Name: Lilith “Lillie” Auclair
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade:12th
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Nail art and nail care, cooking and sewing with her mother, life simulation video games, doing crosswords with her sister, Blaseball
Appearance: Lilith is 5’11'' and weighs about 140 pounds. Her body is spindly and bony. Lilith has good posture, appearing taller than she actually is. Her skin is fair, but she has a bit of acne around the edges of her face. While she does not try to conceal it, Lilith maintains a ritual washing and cleansing routine to combat it.
She is quite androgynous. Her eyebrows are long and arched, reaching her temples. She has dark brown eyes with hooded eyelids and long eyelashes. Her nose is pointed and adorned with a gold ring on her right nostril. Her lips are downward-turned with a slight purple hue. She has a strong bone structure with a square jaw and prominent eyebrow bone.
Her hair is, however, undeniably feminine. Lilith has naturally dark, brown hair. It is straight, but easily frizzes when it is wet. It reaches her mid back, and it is cut in a blunt fashion. Her fringes go down to her chin. She often wears it down, but she sometimes puts it up into a ponytail when she has to make physical efforts.
Lilith principally dresses in monochromatic black outfits. She prefers the practicality of pants and t-shirts over dresses. She rarely wears accessories other than her piercings, but she does have a collection of necklaces and bracelets to wear for more fancy opportunities. Her nails are usually painted with black gel nail polish.
She has no tattoos. She has many piercings like a nose ring, a nose bridge piercing, a labret, three helices on her left ear and one on her right ear, a tragus on both ears, and a conch piercing on the right ear.
Biography: Lilith “Lillie” Auclair, assigned male at birth and named Ismaël, was born to Renée and Carlise Auclair on the 12th of September 2002 at the North Shore Medical Center in Salem, Massachusetts. She has one younger sister, Marie-Louise who is now 17. Her mother is a first generation French Canadian who immigrated in 1990 to work as a real-estate agent while her father is a third generation Belgian immigrant working as a radiation therapist. They are middle class and live comfortably.
As a child, Lilith was fussy and mercurial. While this did not raise any alarm bells in her parents’ minds, this soon became the root of a lot of problems for Lilith. She was rarely motivated to do anything else other than watching television and playing video games. Her parents did not pick up on the issue due to their very busy work scheduled and their employment of multiple babysitters. They were also very lax parents, not quite comfortable with disciplining their child. This habit continued well into her elementary school, making Lilith a weak student with little-to-no drive to do her homework.
Her parents did eventually pick up on that problem around the time she started elementary school when her teacher informed them of their daughter’s behaviour at school alongside her poor academic performances. A plan was established after her parents had contacted the school to set up a meeting about their daughter’s performance. They managed to secure a weekly therapy session alongside post-school homework remedial with a teacher to ensure the work was being done. While the professional did help Lilith through her weekly session, Lilith’s motivation for school was always a problem. This was clear by her plummeting grades and her less-than-average attendance because of her sickly behaviour. Over time, Lilith’s rapport with her psychologist increased and so did her attendance and her grades. As she started to trust the school’s psychologist, she became opening up more about her daily stresses and her moodiness. The psychologist gave her helpful tools like breathing exercise for her anxiety during exams.
Socially, Lilith was also struggling. She didn’t quite care about making friends with other people and usually spent her lunchtime and her recess in the computer room. She preferred to watch YouTube videos and play flash games than to befriend people. Her psychologist noticed that Lilith had no real friends to speak of. He tried to push her toward befriending people who enjoyed the same interests as her, like playing video games. This was when she befriended a group of people playing computer games alongside Mabel Moss, who she is still greatly attached to. The girls bonded over their social exclusion, often ironically calling themselves the Loser’s Club. They often played video games together during their breaks, and sometimes, they spent nights at each other’s home.
At the end of elementary school and at the beginning of middle school, Lilith started joining online communities and chat rooms. Her parents did not supervise her online activities from a lack of knowledge of the Internet and computers. Her online communities were usually centered around video games and lifestyle forums. Most of her online friends were older, and they introduced her to many mature concepts like sexuality. While looking back on it, Lilith realizes that she was completely out of her element. However, she does now look at her past online friends with a certain fondness.
During her online escapades, she was introduced to the LGBT+ community. She quickly realized that she felt innate kinship toward trans people as she realized a good chunk of her past was shaped by her awkwardness around her own gender. Her dysphoria had shaped itself in a way that made it hard for her to befriend people since she feared that they would see something that repulsed them in her. She came out as nonbinary to her online friends but then later came out again as a transgender woman.
Middle school continued to be the same problem from elementary school, but now with the added problems of puberty. Lilith started to intensely dislike her body as it grew more masculine. She became increasingly withdrawn, which was picked up by her family. She started to be followed by a private therapist to handle her shifting mood and her lack of energy and motivation. After a couple of meetings, she was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder and began to start treatment. She was prescribed an antidepressant which she still takes to this day.
Lilith picked her name when she was 14, and she is still regretting picking it. Originally, she had picked it for her username on a website. People started calling her that, and she greatly appreciated it. So when she came out when she turned 18, she introduced herself as Lilith. She continued to do as she started her new year of high school. However, now that she’s older, she is becoming increasingly aware of the edginess of her name and now presents herself as Lillie.
When Lilith was 14 and on the edge of starting high school, she confided in him that she was transgender, and her therapist was actually not surprised by that revelation. Lilith explained that she felt like she was losing track on her body and it felt like it was growing without her consent. He tried to get her to tell her parents about her gender dysphoria, but she refused in fear that they wouldn’t support her. With his hands tied, he continued to follow-up with her and when she was ready to come out to her parents, he vouched for her. Her therapist continues to treat her to this day.
In her first year of high school, Lilith didn’t have any friends or people to hang out with, other than Mabel. Lilith latched onto Mabel, forcing herself into her social circle. This was where she met Gale, who had previously moved to Salem that summer before the freshman year. While Gale’s social circle was limited and even restrictive due to her eccentricities, Lilith genuinely likes her. In a way, their relationship is codependent. Gale does not want Lilith to attend school trips and other events, and Lilith uses that as an excuse to avoid doing them. She spends her day going to her classes, and sometimes, skips her classes to stay at home knowing that because of the lowered amount of staff, she has a better chance avoiding being caught.
Lilith met her current boyfriend in her senior year on Tinder. She made her account underaged in a fit of desperate validation, and didn’t actually expect to meet anyone. Richie, a 18-year-old trans man, matched with Lilith and they quickly bonded over their love for video games. They quickly scheduled a date, and they were soon dating.
Lilith spends most of her time at her older boyfriend’s house. Richie is one of the rare people who Lilith genuinely trusts. She loves him more than she likes to admit, and despite her tendency to spiral out of control when she becomes too upset, Richie is usually there to ground her. During the pandemic, they talked daily through their cell phones and Discord, and they were there to support each other.
Her relationship with Mabel is healthier, if a bit weirder. Mabel’s protective nature started to show its face when Lilith started dating her older boyfriend. She has promised to beat Richie up more than once, sometimes while he is in the same room as them, if he were to hurt Lilith. Other than that, Lilith has a limited number of friends and she does not plan to have more.
Her parents were not aware of her relationship with her boyfriend. They had assumed that Richie was a fellow high schooler and just a friend. Marie-Louise did know the truth, however, but she didn’t disclose it to their parents. She also knew about her sister’s gender identity by that point. The girls spoke about it lengthly, bonding over it as Marie-Louise as she is also a member of the LGBT+ community as a lesbian.
However, because of the COVID-19 epidemic, Lilith’s habit of spending her time outside of her home was cut short due to the quarantine. This proved to be actually helpful for Lilith and her family as they managed to bond closer during these times. Her mother, Renée, taught her daughters how to cook and to sew during the initial months, something that Lilith actually enjoyed learning about. She also started playing crosswords with her little sister, Marie-Louise. Lilith prefers playing French crosswords simply because she thoroughly enjoys learning about new words in her first language.
During the quarantine, she also chose to come out to her family. She was growing increasingly restless from being misgendered and deadnamed by her family. During one of their family dinners, Lilith came out saying that she was a woman and she’d appreciate it if they called her Lillie, but she also understood if they didn’t or if they struggled with it. Her little sister was receptive. Her parents, however, had more trouble with it. Even if it took some time for them to adjust to their daughter’s identity, they did manage to get around it. Her father already dealt with transgender patients at the hospital, so he was easier to convince. Her mother, however, dealt with quite a bit of self-doubt. For a long time, she assumed she had done something wrong at one point which led to Lilith’s gender identity. Lilith felt increasingly withdrawn from her mother, but after a heartfelt talk with her, they managed to patch up their difference. Her parents offered to pay for her transition, and even helped her look into gender therapists in their area. In the end, Lilith’s coming out during the pandemic was a net positive.
But the COVID-19 epidemic did have a negative impact on Lilith. As she was already flunking a handful of her classes, and since she didn’t have the motivation to do any effort in them already, doing the online classes only made that problem worse. At one point in the year, she simply stopped bothering to show up in her online classes, which led to her failing many classes in her junior year. Due to this failure to succeed, Lilith became increasingly harder on herself despite not putting more efforts toward succeeding. This often leads to self-fulfilling prophecies that makes her spiral out of control. While she did not fail her year, she had to take summer classes which only made her mood worse.
It was during that dark period of her time that her Internet habits became increasingly sporadic. She started to watch videos that weren’t in her range of preference. This led to Lilith to discover the craft of nail art. While she was originally more interested in the aesthetic and the story times associated with the videos, Lilith quickly became enthralled with the actual craftsmanship behind it. After an off-hand comment from her dad, Carlise, telling her that if she liked watching these videos so much, that she could, potentially, actually become a nail technician herself, something clicked inside of Lilith. She has quite never felt anything like that when it came to her thinking about her future, and slowly but surely, she became more and more interested in the profession.
She quickly bought a kit of nail gel and other manicure and pedicure tools and started to both experiment and learn about it. While her initial subject was herself, she quickly grew in her skills and started to offer her services to her sister and her mother. When the quarantine ended, she noticed that people were actually willing to pay for her skills, and she started to offer to do nails for people if they wanted. She currently saves half of her money for the future, and spends the rest of it on video games and other nail equipment.
Lilith enjoys playing video games more than anything else in her life. Her favorite kind is life simulation video games. She can’t exactly pinpoint why she enjoys them, but she thinks it’s because she enjoys pretending to be other people. For example, her favorite series has to be The Sims simply because she enjoys creating and elaborating intricate family trees and playing through the entire family. Other games she enjoys are Spore and Animal Crossing.
In her last year of high school, Lilith started paying more attention in class. She tries to stay off her phone and away from chat rooms, but sometimes the temptation is too strong. However, she has managed to keep her grades high enough to be on the path to graduate from high school.
While Lilith has not started her medical transition yet, she is taking steps toward meeting a gender therapist. She has an exemption from changing her in the locker room from her therapist. She is also allowed to use the faculty’s bathroom. As an openly transgender person, Lilith has faced some teasing and bullying. She is however completely apathetic in the face of it, more often than not ignoring the stares. Mabel often defends her which she appreciates.
During the current school year, Lilith started to get piercing. It was originally done to revamp her appearance in one of her low moments after the quarantine had ended. She deeply enjoyed the aesthetic and progressively started getting more piercing, moving from her ears and unto her face. Her most recent piercing is her nose bridge piercing which is still currently healing. Both her parents dislike the amount of piercing she has, but since she pays for them with her own money earned from nail commission, they can’t stop her from doing it.
Gale dragged Lilith into playing Blaseball. She claims that she doesn’t care about it, but she still vouches for her team and gets into mock fights online in the Blaseball discord about her favorite team, the Moist Talkers. When she isn’t picking fake fights, she is usually reading fanfictions about her favorite character, Eugenia Garbage.
Her personality is directly influenced by her mental illness and her poor self-esteem. Lilith is incredibly gloomy and apathetic. She is withdrawn from real-world issues, more often than not pretending that it is not affecting her. Around her friends, she tries to make morbid jokes about her problems, but they often fall flat. Recently, she has tried to stop demeaning herself, and while it is vaguely successful, she does struggle to hold back sometimes. She does try to be more warm and empathetic toward the people she likes, and her efforts are appreciated by them.
Her strongest bond is with her little sister, Marie-Louise. Once a week, they usually catch up with a night together, usually spent doing crosswords and painting their nails. They share essentially everything, ranging from their clothes to their political opinions. The girls share all their secrets together, bonding over their mutual disdain for the world.
Her relationship with her mother is still strained. While they both love each other, certain things from the past still affect them to this day. Renée still blames herself for her daughter’s depression, and Lilith still holds a grudge about her not fully accepting her gender identity. They do try to communicate with each other about these issues at the best of their abilities. Their efforts are not in vain, and Lilith is slowly growing to trust her mother. They still cook and sew together. They often spend weekends together to buy supplies and then craft something together out of it like a meal or patched up clothes.
Her father’s job combined with his workaholic tendency created an environment where he is rarely at home. This, alongside Lilith spending most of her time with her friends after classes, means they rarely spend time together. While during the quarantine they grew closer, they’re slowly again drifting apart because of their schedule. They do still try to talk to each other about the future like perhaps visiting Belgium together after she’s done with her studies.
Lilith is fluent in both French and English. She usually spends a month during summer to visit her extended family in Canada with her mother and her siblings. Her favorite aunt, Athénaïs, often hosts the family during these travels. Lilith grew particularly close to her when she came out due to the unconditional love she received. Lilith regularly talks to her on Zoom despite the end of the quarantine. Sometimes, Lilith muses about moving to Canada. She wonders if her life would be better up north to the point of actually planning to spend an entire summer there with her boyfriend. She is vaguely considering getting her double-citizen shortly after legally changing her name.
Her therapist is currently seeking to transfer her to an adult therapist. While it pains Lilith to leave her childhood therapist behind, she is excited about the future. Her symptoms for her depression have slowly wilted away through her medication, her friends, and her therapy. She is aware that she could relapse, and keeps an eye out on that.
Lilith has one plan for her post-secondary studies. It is to move to Boston. She wants to start her nail technician training and to eventually receive her certification from the Massachusetts Board of Registration of Cosmetologists. Her boyfriend has mentioned that he would be willing to follow her to Boston, at the condition that she helped to pay rent and other utilities. She agreed, and she is currently saving money to move out from her parents’ home. She does not know if she wants to own her business or if she wants to work under someone, but she assumes she’ll make up her mind as she continues to do her studies toward that profession.
Advantages: Her socially withdrawn nature could be helpful to dissociate from the suffering of her classmates and the overall stress of the situation. Her newly gained knowledge from sewing could help her to patch up her clothes and stitch her injuries. Her cooking skills can be handy if she wants to fix up some food.
Disadvantages: Her lack of pre-existing friendship and her gloomy nature could push her away from alliance. She is also chronically unmotivated and very moody, which could impede her chances of survival. Her tendency to go down in downward spirals from her negative outlook on life and self-fulfilling prophecies could directly affect her outcome in the game. Without her medication, she could go into withdrawal and suffer from physical symptoms such as tremors, fatigue, nausea, and physical weakness.
Lilith “Lillie” Auclair
yes i wrote 3k words but real nasty never take me home won't ever meet your mum but your daddy's on the phone ring ring
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MK Kilmarnock
- Posts: 2256
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:28 am
- Location: On one of the coasts, generally
Hello Melusine, and thank you for applying Lilith! Unfortunately, she is currently denied pending some edits:
While she prefers wearing dresses for special occasions, she does prefer the practicality of pants and t-shirts. < The repeat of ‘prefer’ here is a little awkward. I’d keep the second as the more fitting one, and change the first one referring to wearing dresses for special occasions. Even simply removing it would improve the sentence; you don’t actually have to replace it with anything.
third generation Belgium immigrant < Belgian immigrant
Where does Carlisten’s name come from? I can’t find any examples of a person with that given name in any origin. Of lesser importance due to its status as a deadname, how was Lilith given her birth name? Her mother is French Canadian and her father is Belgian, but Ismael is the Spanish equivalent of a name of Hebrew origin and I’m curious why her parents would choose it over a name of a more familiar ethnicity.
Where was Lilith born, and what is her birthday? Also, is her preferred nickname ‘Lili’ or “Lillie”? There’s a conflict between the name listed at the top and the beginning of the bio.
At what age did Lilith’s parents pick up on her fussy behavior, and what was Lilith’s early home situation? As the Auclairs are a well-off and middle class family, was Renée able to stay home and watch her child? Would you say they were lenient parents or strict ones in order for Lilith to be so inactive without anything being done about it? Relating to this same issue of behavior as it pertains to school, Lilith’s parents eventually pick up on it but what about her teachers? Given her poor performance, were her parents alerted in any way via parent-teacher conferences and was there ever an education plan put in place to try and help her? Since her grades were still poor and she seemed so sickly, in what ways did the weekly sessions with the counselor improve Lilith’s life at school and/or at home?
She didn’t quite care about making friends with other people and usually spent her lunch time going back home and her recess in the computer room. < How was Lilith able to go back home during lunch? Even if she lived next-door to the school, she wouldn’t be allowed to leave during school hours.
However, she did manage to make a handful of friends such as Mabel, who she is still greatly attached to. < Who is Mabel? As this is their introduction in the profile, there should be some sort of qualifier, such as ‘she managed to make a handful of friends including Mabel Smith, who she met on the swings’ just as an example. Also, as Lilith is fairly antisocial and keeps to herself, what common ground does she find with others to make friends?
knowledge from the Internet < knowledge of the Internet
It was around that time, when she was 12, that she started to join online communities. < I’m a bit confused. Does this mean that she started to make friends, including Mabel, when she was 12? I’m guessing that’s what it alludes to, but wasn’t sure. You could probably combine these paragraphs to make that idea clearer (as they continue the same thought and don’t need to be separate). Also, if that really is the case, did the school counselor ever suggest friendship opportunities for Lilith prior to age 12?
Not a point of denial: There is heavy use of ‘It was around that time’ and a couple mutations of that phrase (“This was around that time”). Changing things up will help the readability of Lilith’s profile and keep things from getting too monotonous.
When Lilith was 14 and on the edge of starting high school, she confided in him that she was transgender, and he was actually not surprised by that revelation. < Who is ‘he?’ I eventually figured out this is referring to the therapist, but the last mention of him was a little over a paragraph ago, so this can use clarifying language.
With his hands tied, he continued to follow her < Do you mean follow up with her? Or like, physically follow her everywhere?
Gale does not want Lilith to attend school trips and other events and in return, Lilith uses it as an excuse to skip classes. < These seem to be unrelated. If Lilith doesn’t want to go on a school trip she has that choice, but must still stay at the school (the entire school will never be empty during a trip; there are always some students and staff present) and attend any classes she still has. There’s no logical reason why not going on the trip is a convenient excuse to skip class.
She has promised to beat Richie up more than once < This appears just before Richie is properly introduced. His introduction should be moved to just above this paragraph.
Lilith met her current boyfriend in her 12th year on Tindr < Phrasing here is somewhat awkward (‘this is her 12th year on Tindr?’). I think you meant something like ‘during her senior year, Lilith met her current boyfriend on Tindr.’ What do Lilith’s parents think about her, an underaged person, dating a legal adult? Also quick spelling catch, but Tinder. Grindr is the one missing the e.
cook and to sow < sew
Lilith seems to really enjoy cooking, possibly enough to list it as a hobby/interest? Since I’m mentioning it, most of Lilith’s hobbies look great. However, there’s only a single cursory mention of her visiting chat rooms that doesn’t tell us much about what she does there or how she interacts with others, and the closest previous mention of this interest deals with online communities she looks back on with some fondness but are clearly in the past, and therefore not current interests. If this is still a prevalent interest of Lilith’s, can you expand on it some? Depending on the communities she interacts with, it can probably be rolled into another hobby or interest (for instance, if she’s predominantly on Blaseball chat rooms, this can all probably just be summed up as ‘Blaseball’).
It seems that Lilith’s home life and relationship with her family had a net positive during the pandemic. With this increased bonding, why does her motivation for classes worsen? In other matters, these are unprecedented times for schools, but if a senior is failing their classes during a typical school year, the remedial option is summer schooling and retaking the exams since repeating a year of high school is an option of absolute last resort. More common reasons for being held back a grade are due to developmental reasons (in elementary school typically) or otherwise completely missing an entire year of school (even if you get arrested, you simply continue your schooling in prison). If Lilith must absolutely repeat her senior year, what steps were initially taken to prevent such a thing? The profile also doesn’t mention that she was denied graduation (while that logically had to have been what took place, there is still no mention of it beyond ‘failing her 12th year’ which isn’t actually a thing. You can fail each and every class, but not the year as a whole; as mentioned before, you would be asked to go to summer schooling and retake final exams).
Something of note: In the SotF timeline, life is back to normal by spring of 2021, which would give Lilith two to three months of in-person schooling to get her life back on track, as JEM offered a mixture of in-person and online classes for those who wished to do either. Failing any of that, Lilith is 18 by this point and can therefore legally drop out if she wishes. Is there a reason she doesn’t do so?
Both her parents dislike the amount of piercing she has, but since she pays for them with her own money, they can’t stop her from doing it. < Where does she get the money?
Lilith has some solid advantages and disadvantages, like her socially withdrawn nature allowing her to more easily disassociate from and not stress about the deaths of others, and her lack of motivation is a disadvantage strongly supported by her bio. However, being apathetic to her own suffering isn’t much of an advantage if she’s not motivated to survive through it in the first place, so I’d nix that. As a potential replacement advantage, perhaps you could incorporate her cooking and sewing skills? (The ability to fix up some food or apply stitches should never be overlooked.) A disadvantage that you might add which is also supported by the profile is Lilith’s negative outlook creating self-fulfilling prophecies and sending her into downward spirals. In addition, what are some of the physical symptoms she suffers from withdrawals?
That's everything for now. When you've made the requested changes, just respond to this topic and we'll give Lilith another look. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
While she prefers wearing dresses for special occasions, she does prefer the practicality of pants and t-shirts. < The repeat of ‘prefer’ here is a little awkward. I’d keep the second as the more fitting one, and change the first one referring to wearing dresses for special occasions. Even simply removing it would improve the sentence; you don’t actually have to replace it with anything.
third generation Belgium immigrant < Belgian immigrant
Where does Carlisten’s name come from? I can’t find any examples of a person with that given name in any origin. Of lesser importance due to its status as a deadname, how was Lilith given her birth name? Her mother is French Canadian and her father is Belgian, but Ismael is the Spanish equivalent of a name of Hebrew origin and I’m curious why her parents would choose it over a name of a more familiar ethnicity.
Where was Lilith born, and what is her birthday? Also, is her preferred nickname ‘Lili’ or “Lillie”? There’s a conflict between the name listed at the top and the beginning of the bio.
At what age did Lilith’s parents pick up on her fussy behavior, and what was Lilith’s early home situation? As the Auclairs are a well-off and middle class family, was Renée able to stay home and watch her child? Would you say they were lenient parents or strict ones in order for Lilith to be so inactive without anything being done about it? Relating to this same issue of behavior as it pertains to school, Lilith’s parents eventually pick up on it but what about her teachers? Given her poor performance, were her parents alerted in any way via parent-teacher conferences and was there ever an education plan put in place to try and help her? Since her grades were still poor and she seemed so sickly, in what ways did the weekly sessions with the counselor improve Lilith’s life at school and/or at home?
She didn’t quite care about making friends with other people and usually spent her lunch time going back home and her recess in the computer room. < How was Lilith able to go back home during lunch? Even if she lived next-door to the school, she wouldn’t be allowed to leave during school hours.
However, she did manage to make a handful of friends such as Mabel, who she is still greatly attached to. < Who is Mabel? As this is their introduction in the profile, there should be some sort of qualifier, such as ‘she managed to make a handful of friends including Mabel Smith, who she met on the swings’ just as an example. Also, as Lilith is fairly antisocial and keeps to herself, what common ground does she find with others to make friends?
knowledge from the Internet < knowledge of the Internet
It was around that time, when she was 12, that she started to join online communities. < I’m a bit confused. Does this mean that she started to make friends, including Mabel, when she was 12? I’m guessing that’s what it alludes to, but wasn’t sure. You could probably combine these paragraphs to make that idea clearer (as they continue the same thought and don’t need to be separate). Also, if that really is the case, did the school counselor ever suggest friendship opportunities for Lilith prior to age 12?
Not a point of denial: There is heavy use of ‘It was around that time’ and a couple mutations of that phrase (“This was around that time”). Changing things up will help the readability of Lilith’s profile and keep things from getting too monotonous.
When Lilith was 14 and on the edge of starting high school, she confided in him that she was transgender, and he was actually not surprised by that revelation. < Who is ‘he?’ I eventually figured out this is referring to the therapist, but the last mention of him was a little over a paragraph ago, so this can use clarifying language.
With his hands tied, he continued to follow her < Do you mean follow up with her? Or like, physically follow her everywhere?
Gale does not want Lilith to attend school trips and other events and in return, Lilith uses it as an excuse to skip classes. < These seem to be unrelated. If Lilith doesn’t want to go on a school trip she has that choice, but must still stay at the school (the entire school will never be empty during a trip; there are always some students and staff present) and attend any classes she still has. There’s no logical reason why not going on the trip is a convenient excuse to skip class.
She has promised to beat Richie up more than once < This appears just before Richie is properly introduced. His introduction should be moved to just above this paragraph.
Lilith met her current boyfriend in her 12th year on Tindr < Phrasing here is somewhat awkward (‘this is her 12th year on Tindr?’). I think you meant something like ‘during her senior year, Lilith met her current boyfriend on Tindr.’ What do Lilith’s parents think about her, an underaged person, dating a legal adult? Also quick spelling catch, but Tinder. Grindr is the one missing the e.
cook and to sow < sew
Lilith seems to really enjoy cooking, possibly enough to list it as a hobby/interest? Since I’m mentioning it, most of Lilith’s hobbies look great. However, there’s only a single cursory mention of her visiting chat rooms that doesn’t tell us much about what she does there or how she interacts with others, and the closest previous mention of this interest deals with online communities she looks back on with some fondness but are clearly in the past, and therefore not current interests. If this is still a prevalent interest of Lilith’s, can you expand on it some? Depending on the communities she interacts with, it can probably be rolled into another hobby or interest (for instance, if she’s predominantly on Blaseball chat rooms, this can all probably just be summed up as ‘Blaseball’).
It seems that Lilith’s home life and relationship with her family had a net positive during the pandemic. With this increased bonding, why does her motivation for classes worsen? In other matters, these are unprecedented times for schools, but if a senior is failing their classes during a typical school year, the remedial option is summer schooling and retaking the exams since repeating a year of high school is an option of absolute last resort. More common reasons for being held back a grade are due to developmental reasons (in elementary school typically) or otherwise completely missing an entire year of school (even if you get arrested, you simply continue your schooling in prison). If Lilith must absolutely repeat her senior year, what steps were initially taken to prevent such a thing? The profile also doesn’t mention that she was denied graduation (while that logically had to have been what took place, there is still no mention of it beyond ‘failing her 12th year’ which isn’t actually a thing. You can fail each and every class, but not the year as a whole; as mentioned before, you would be asked to go to summer schooling and retake final exams).
Something of note: In the SotF timeline, life is back to normal by spring of 2021, which would give Lilith two to three months of in-person schooling to get her life back on track, as JEM offered a mixture of in-person and online classes for those who wished to do either. Failing any of that, Lilith is 18 by this point and can therefore legally drop out if she wishes. Is there a reason she doesn’t do so?
Both her parents dislike the amount of piercing she has, but since she pays for them with her own money, they can’t stop her from doing it. < Where does she get the money?
Lilith has some solid advantages and disadvantages, like her socially withdrawn nature allowing her to more easily disassociate from and not stress about the deaths of others, and her lack of motivation is a disadvantage strongly supported by her bio. However, being apathetic to her own suffering isn’t much of an advantage if she’s not motivated to survive through it in the first place, so I’d nix that. As a potential replacement advantage, perhaps you could incorporate her cooking and sewing skills? (The ability to fix up some food or apply stitches should never be overlooked.) A disadvantage that you might add which is also supported by the profile is Lilith’s negative outlook creating self-fulfilling prophecies and sending her into downward spirals. In addition, what are some of the physical symptoms she suffers from withdrawals?
That's everything for now. When you've made the requested changes, just respond to this topic and we'll give Lilith another look. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
V8 Characters:
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
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MK Kilmarnock
- Posts: 2256
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:28 am
- Location: On one of the coasts, generally
Great job on those edits! I know there was a lot, and no, American elementary school students can't walk home during lunch. It's kind of a crime, really. Anyway, Lilith is looking much better and is pretty close to being approved. There are some grammatical errors, some freshly introduced, and some I just missed the first time. Here's what I was able to spot:
North Shore Medical Center in Salem, Massachusett < Massachusetts. I know, we picked basically the worst state to spell.
in her parents’ mind < minds
Lilith latched on Mabel < latched onto
Sparing Lilith the pain of having to repeat a grade killed a flock of birds with one stone but it did introduce a small, pretty manageable problem:
However, in her second year, she slowly came out of her shell. Lilith latched on Mabel, forcing herself into her social circle. This was where she met Gale who had moved to Salem during the summer. < Just a minor continuity error here; now that Lilith isn't a year ahead initially, Gale moves to Salem the summer before her freshman year. There was a similar detail before about how she was more comfortable once Mabel was also in school with her and you address that part (good catch) but there's still the bit left in about how she didn't have any friends her freshman year (but she does, because Mabel is at school with her). Once that's made to be consistent, all timeline related problems should be fixed!
And yeah, that's just about it! Get those fixed up and Lilith should be good to go.
North Shore Medical Center in Salem, Massachusett < Massachusetts. I know, we picked basically the worst state to spell.
in her parents’ mind < minds
Lilith latched on Mabel < latched onto
Sparing Lilith the pain of having to repeat a grade killed a flock of birds with one stone but it did introduce a small, pretty manageable problem:
However, in her second year, she slowly came out of her shell. Lilith latched on Mabel, forcing herself into her social circle. This was where she met Gale who had moved to Salem during the summer. < Just a minor continuity error here; now that Lilith isn't a year ahead initially, Gale moves to Salem the summer before her freshman year. There was a similar detail before about how she was more comfortable once Mabel was also in school with her and you address that part (good catch) but there's still the bit left in about how she didn't have any friends her freshman year (but she does, because Mabel is at school with her). Once that's made to be consistent, all timeline related problems should be fixed!
And yeah, that's just about it! Get those fixed up and Lilith should be good to go.
V8 Characters:
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
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MK Kilmarnock
- Posts: 2256
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:28 am
- Location: On one of the coasts, generally
Looks like you did.
APPROVED
APPROVED
V8 Characters:
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in