"Don’t just give up. Don’t just forgive me! You’re meant to live! You’re meant to have time to hate me!" - Molly Oliveira

in which brackie critiques your characters By Version

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.
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Brackie
Posts: 800
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:37 pm

in which brackie critiques your characters By Version

#1

Post by Brackie »

hi this is me making an attempt to read/write every day by reading other people's characters and writing about them

- the premise of this particular critique thread is that you give me a version/game you were in and I read then critique all of the characters you wrote in that version.
- if you want in, post in here with the version you want critiqued/looked at (preferably with a list of your characters in said version)(or perhaps a link to a post/wikia page with said characters) and you'll be added to the pool
-- every character though. no "could you read A B and C but not touch X or Y?" - all or nothing, baybee.
- i will try to go in depth but i am generally a man of brevity so if you've seen my Read-A-Thon posts you'll know what you're in for w/r/t critique length (unless something catches my eye in a positive or negative manner). i'll do my best to talk about things that worked or things that didn't, either overall or in specific posts/threads/arcs/scenes, but there's some rust on the hinges so bear with me as i learn how to do critiques again
- only request critiques for characters from versions currently still running if all your characters in said version are decease-ed (at this moment that means if you're out of v7 or program v3 or you kill all your tv3 cast in pregame right this minute)
- any version, any length, any size. so if you were in the battle royale au, or virtua, or v2, then here's where I get to experience that version through your characters for a moment.

i'll start the queue w/ three handlers and see what happens

* Catche Jagger (V7)
* Kermit (V7)
* Ruggahissy (V5)
[+] The Island
V4: G069 - Clio Gabriella: Hold me closer, tiny dancer; count the headlights on the highway to hell.
V4: G083 - Paige Strand: Feelings don't try to hurt you, even the painful ones. You're responsible for all of the damn consequences.
V4: B118 - Jacob Charles: Every grieving heart has screamed at one time or another 'why can't you just let me die?'
V4: G114 - Aston Bennett: A woman who desires revenge must dig three graves.
V4: B108 - Ma'afu Tuigamala: Most men would rather forget a hard truth than face it.
V5: G015 - Janie Sinneave: Every human being must find her own way to cope with the impossible, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method she doesn't choose.
V6: B018 - Maxim Kehlenbrink: Too much self-centered attitude brings isolation. Result: loneliness, fear, anger, and a hammer to the skull.
V7: G044 - Mikki Swift: It takes 18 years to build a reputation and a minute to ruin it.
V7: G070 - Jessica Rennes: Despair is our chance to wrestle with water and fall through.
V7: G075 - Aditi Sharma: She can still scream that rebel yell, just as loud as it was in 2005.
[+] Home
V4: B042 - Brendan Wallace: History has a way of repeating itself for years to come.
Meanwhile...
v5 - Penny Huang: Good girls can make bad decisions.
v5 - Jasper Rourke: Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "what could have been".
v7 - Gaelan Meloy: And nothing matters.
v7 - Jordan Brankovich: Rethinking it all.
v7 - Kayden Brockman: Not done yet.
v7 - Ji-hyun Christensen: Just getting started.
[+] Remind Me Tomorrow
Destiny Martinez will live fast and die faster.
Aidan Winston is going to let you know you're not solving anything.
Lara Rodriguez thinks you should keep your opinion on her to yourself.
Peyton Hoffman isn't fond of the PC Police ruining everything.
Lindsey Sewall wants to make sure you drank water today you stupid bitch.
Luke Travers needs to have a code.
I'm hosting a SOTF!
SOTF: International
Applications Open Now!
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Catche Jagger
Posts: 345
Joined: Thu May 23, 2019 12:39 am

#2

Post by Catche Jagger »

I'd appreciate a critique of my v7 cast: Thomas Buckley, Colin McCabe, and Sapphire Waters
[+] sig
[+] V7
ImageB078 - Thomas Buckley: "Holy- yes, I am scared because I am not ignorant to the world around me. What the fuck are you talking about ‘am I scared’?”
Status: DECEASED
Memory: 1 | Pregame: 1-2 | Trip: 1
V7: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9

ImageG078 - Sapphire Waters: “It’s okay, Emmett…”
Status: DECEASED
Pregame: 1
V7: 1-2-3-4

ImageB079 - Colin McCabe: “Hey you murderous prick! Tell me how the fucking dirt tastes!”
Status: DECEASED
Pregame: 1-2
V7: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7
#1 Uriel Hunter stan

"I'm refined, I'm cultured. I'm a fashionista. I'm everything you're not and never will be." - Ali Grayston, 2006
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Kermit
Posts: 1870
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:06 pm
Location: Don't worry about it :)

#3

Post by Kermit »

im kermit and i was in v7 and one of my children is like 15k words and the other is [toben's wordcount spoilers] even though they're 15 kids apart in the death order
[+] v7
[+] Michael Froese
Michael Froese - The story of an identity; the story of a matador; the story of a liar; the story of a junkie; the story of a very special frog; the story of a jackal; the story of an oscillator; the story of a ghost; the story of the death of an author; the story of a bunch of other stuff.

THREADS!

PREGAME: Mad world - This...this felt nice. - Michael was incredibly disappointed in himself for actually agreeing to go do something with Beryl. - He wasn't actually all that sorry. - Part of him was worried his real motivation wasn't self-torturing altruism but instead the fact that it was one of the few things that still made him feel.

ISLAND:
Michael and all of his friends were going to be footnotes in a history textbook. - he was folding in on himself like a four-dimensional object in three-dimensional space - Everything was about pain, fear, and love. - "Gave them our reactions, our explosions, all that was ours; For graphs of passion, and charts of stars." - He had a duty to look into someone's eyes as he killed them. - Closure really did sound like nothing at all. - "I wish we were lovers, but it's for the best." - Michael Froese the award-winning murderer. That was who he was now. - "I wanted to lose myself." - "Good and bad, all roads lead to Rome and I just, it hurts too much to be a good person." - "Somewhere out there in the deep blue sea, there's this whale." - "...It's harder to be yourself than it is to be anybody else." - "The neighbors, they adored him for his humor and his conversation. Look underneath the house there, find the few living things, rotting fast in their sleep; oh, the dead," - He gave her a big hug. He buried his head in her shoulder, feeling her cold, spongy, rubbery skin against his forehead. She had no eyes. She had no face. Something had eaten her face. - Michael Froese was a crazy person with a gun. - Validation. - "You don't live in a goddamned movie." - "I miss what it's like to be, like, actually alone." - "Market data inconsistent. Cantor API problem. Trading system offline," - Michael didn't want this. It wasn't like that'd stop him. - "I'm wide awake, it's morning." - He was a spree killer now, he supposed. - When he gave his word, he was giving nothing. - The fact they even existed was being politicized. - "BERYL FUCKING MAHELONA. TELL ME WHAT YOU DID TO BERYL MAHELONA," - 'Am I gray?' - A beach covered in unidentified decedents. - He'd never felt anything unconditionally. - "Look around you, you're surrounded.
It won't get any better. And so, goodnight."
[+] Valerija Bogdanovic
The story of a (failed) revolutionary.

THREADS!

PREGAME: August 12th, 2017 - The explosive sound of metal hitting metal

ISLAND:
She turned away. Everything from here on out was for the terrorists to see. - "All of us, we have the chance to actually do something with our lives." - The students were the shark in the box. - Complacency was festering like a tumour. - "She's right. It won't - it won't change anything," - Scraped into the wall, in neatly-styled lettering, the words "If they won't live in peace, then they'll die for peace." - Val needed a gun, - "I do not care for violence without a point," she stated. "My gun is not loaded." - "Juliette, I'm sure you already know this, but you really should take pains to be careful around people who speak only in enthymemes." - "Someone once said, 'Change must come with the barrel of a gun', and they were not wrong." - Two explosions.
none of you can prove im in v8
[+] v9, AKA. Kermit rejects modernity, returns to writing mentally ill bisexuals.
[+] Sad Gay Hours with Kermit and Mara.
Let me do my job
Let me do my job

Sylvia, get your head out of the oven
Go back to screaming and cursing
Remind me again how everyone betrayed you
Sylvia, get your head out of the covers
Let me take your temperature
You can throw the thermometer right back at me
If that's what you want to do, okay?

Please, please calm down
Steady out, I'm terrified
Sorry, I want us to ally, but you swing on little knives
They're only sharp on one side
[+] The mallgoth who died offscreen in Supers
You can read me like a book
I'm not as clever as I look
I've got a sneaky kind of selfish
That I keep up on the shelf
With jars of double-sided comments
For people who've done nothing wrong
Preparing for the lights
And always practicing my sha-na-na's
I will stand right next to giants
And roar beside the lions
[+] Johnny R. Fightmaster
What road?
What road?
What road?
What road?
I'd been working on some open-ended shit
I was looking for an in and that was it
Back at the recital, signs remain vital
A statue is stone which rejects its own pulse
You heart's fair, your heart's square, your heart's not even there
Wasting shore leave on the girls from Point St. Claire
There is a light and it goes out, oh
A touch of classicism in the night
Your backlash was right where I wanted you
Yes, that's right, I wanted you, too
[+] Pow Pow
From this position
I will relax
From this position
I can see the whole site

From this position
Oh, oh just relax
From this position
I took the staff test
I now have a purple name

And chat goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
It goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

From this position
I can see all the pings
From this position
I totally get how our decisions were reached

From this position
I can say "no pregame murders," or "Tracen Danya is canonically a catboy TikTokker," or "go bother Deamon instead,"
From this position, from this position
It's kind of like eating myself to death

With you on the outside
And me on the inside
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both!)

And me being uptight
And you being all right
There's advantages to each
(Advantages! Advantages!)

From this perspective, from this position
I have a good grip on both of them
Because I have stayed home
And have learned a little more about my community
Which is important
You know, Main's got 1,269 characters to read

So chat goes @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
So it's @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
It goes @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

With you in a sidechat
And me in the staffchat
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both)

And now you have gone terminally inactive
And then you didn't send an appeal
And so I will have to take away your beloved character and then I will have to kill them
(And i'll feel really bad about doing it even though it's my job ;~;)

Now I have been Danya
And you are not Danya
There's advantages to each
(Advantages to each)
And we're coming back, coming back, coming back
Until there's no U.S. state left untouched on the map
We probably should have expected that people would mishandle colonialism in the Hawaii version

I'm paralyzed
And looking through you
But if nothing's right
Please don't yell at meeee

As a terrified autistic person
I'm amazed at my decision to play

On this occasion, there are a couple of things that we know that we pulled from Fact Magazine
One, character morality discourse is annoying and I don't care about it
Two, your time will come, but this is gonna be our version
So you should give us all of your roll nulls
Three, I wrote a goth and you did not, so shut up, because you don't know shit about goths that you didn't get from me

So times have been tough
And times have been tough
We have been staffkilled, unrolled, and rolled out
But honestly
And let's be honest with ourselves
How much time did we waste?
How much time did we all blow every day?

And so it's @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
Oh, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff

So @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
@Staff, @Staff, @Staff, @Staff
(Please do not ping @Staff as a joke!)
(Staff will kill you in real life!)
(Yes I mean you!)

With you on the inside
And me on the outside
There's advantages to both
(Advantages to both!)

With my name in purple
And your name in blue
There's advantages to each
(Advantages! Advantages!)

From this position
I feel an affinity for the both of them, which is confusing
But honestly
I should be careful because otherwise, I'm being, I'm being, you know, what's it called?
Oh, fuck it
...
-Reclining, I'm getting used to it
Like writing a mentally ill bisexual
It's an entirely new
Discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery

And then a couple of versions on mini
And then a version on main
And then back over to mini and then to main, again
To use up my desire for
Discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery, discovery

For an instant
We could have been sold as a book
But the site's all been plagiarized
From Koushun Takami anyway
So what you want for now
Is for someone to read you
And to hear that the trends you like
Won't become overplayed

And I don't knoOOOOOOOw what I'm doing
I don't knooooowwww
I don't knooooowwww
I don't knooooowwww

(Staff will kill you in real life!)
I'm losing my edge.
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Ruggahissy
Posts: 2554
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:13 pm

#4

Post by Ruggahissy »

V5

Pls read Michelle Wexler, Paris Ardennes and Amaranta Montalvo.
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Brackie
Posts: 800
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:37 pm

#5

Post by Brackie »

and that is a closed queue
[+] The Island
V4: G069 - Clio Gabriella: Hold me closer, tiny dancer; count the headlights on the highway to hell.
V4: G083 - Paige Strand: Feelings don't try to hurt you, even the painful ones. You're responsible for all of the damn consequences.
V4: B118 - Jacob Charles: Every grieving heart has screamed at one time or another 'why can't you just let me die?'
V4: G114 - Aston Bennett: A woman who desires revenge must dig three graves.
V4: B108 - Ma'afu Tuigamala: Most men would rather forget a hard truth than face it.
V5: G015 - Janie Sinneave: Every human being must find her own way to cope with the impossible, and the only job of a true friend is to facilitate whatever method she doesn't choose.
V6: B018 - Maxim Kehlenbrink: Too much self-centered attitude brings isolation. Result: loneliness, fear, anger, and a hammer to the skull.
V7: G044 - Mikki Swift: It takes 18 years to build a reputation and a minute to ruin it.
V7: G070 - Jessica Rennes: Despair is our chance to wrestle with water and fall through.
V7: G075 - Aditi Sharma: She can still scream that rebel yell, just as loud as it was in 2005.
[+] Home
V4: B042 - Brendan Wallace: History has a way of repeating itself for years to come.
Meanwhile...
v5 - Penny Huang: Good girls can make bad decisions.
v5 - Jasper Rourke: Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "what could have been".
v7 - Gaelan Meloy: And nothing matters.
v7 - Jordan Brankovich: Rethinking it all.
v7 - Kayden Brockman: Not done yet.
v7 - Ji-hyun Christensen: Just getting started.
[+] Remind Me Tomorrow
Destiny Martinez will live fast and die faster.
Aidan Winston is going to let you know you're not solving anything.
Lara Rodriguez thinks you should keep your opinion on her to yourself.
Peyton Hoffman isn't fond of the PC Police ruining everything.
Lindsey Sewall wants to make sure you drank water today you stupid bitch.
Luke Travers needs to have a code.
I'm hosting a SOTF!
SOTF: International
Applications Open Now!
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