Name: Aion Rhodes
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Boxing, romance novels, classical music and automobile mechanics
Appearance: Aion is a causician and his skin is of porcelain color with pink undertones. He is 5’0” and he weighs 112 lbs. His arms and legs are quite muscular due to exercising regularly and keeping up his boxing techniques despite his tiny size. He originally had ginger hair that he had dyed completely purple, and his hairstyle is of an undercut with a messy top of hair. His eyes are slightly droopy and they are the color of dull gray. He has slightly bushy eyebrows that are well-kept and he has also dyed the brows purple to match his hair. His face is roughly heart-shaped and his small, smooth lips are almost always formed into a side frown. He has some light brown freckles that are scattered across his cheeks, nose and a few on his forehead.
Aion prefers to wear any clothing that is matching up with the colors of purple, dark blue and grey and he likes to have a punky, edgy style of fashion sense with spares of the same clothes in his wardrobe. He likes to wear no-brand buttoned-up shirts with short sleeves, dark blue or grey tight jeans that have layered belt chains on the sides and black leather shoes. He likes to wear two small black hoop earrings on both his ears, a black necklace with a shark tooth and no other jewelry or accessories.
On the day of the abduction, he was wearing his skull spliced printed button shirt which has the designs of metal chains and the shirt is of a lilac color on the right side and a navy blue color with white bones and skeletons surrounded by purple-lilac flames on the right side, a black critical sleeveless tee under his button shirt, a dark blue tight, chained jeans, a black H.D anarchy leather jacket, his shark tooth necklace and earrings, a rainbow badge under the jacket and his black leather shoes.
Biography: Aion was born on the 28th of April 2003 and raised as the middle child of Ryan and Ava Rhodes in Salem, Massachusetts. His older brother, Dillan, is four years older than him and his younger brother, Sammy, is three years younger than him. His parents were introduced to each other by mutual friends at a university party and they got married after they had graduated and they had conceived their first child at the time. Ava has a job as a human resources generalist and Ryan works as an auto mechanic. They managed to not spoil their three kids too much when they were growing up and showed their support to their kids and each other equally. Dillan was pretty much the babysitter of his younger siblings until he was kicked out at the age of sixteen and Aion had to take over as the one looking after Sammy independently.
Aion was a pretty boisterous child around other children and he liked to keep active over sitting still for too long. His grades were more or less average as he didn’t find lessons that interesting, and he found it more fun to do physical activities or just playing with other children. He mostly had a lot of friends in elementary school until he got involved in a fight between older bullies to protect a classmate and he ended up with a broken arm and a busted nose. He was just eight when this fight happened and the bullies were ten years olds who liked to pick on the younger, weaker kids. The students that got him hurt ended up getting expelled due to his teacher and his parents taking it up to the principal and most of his friends felt scared to hang out with him due to the fight and how he lashed out afterwards.They didn’t like how different he was as he seemed more bad-tempered due to how the fight made him feel like he wasn’t strong enough to protect others and those friends felt more cowardly as other bullies had targeted Aion as an easy picking for them to mess with. During his last years of elementary school, he mostly got more quiet, tried to do better in his lessons to distract himself from other bullying types and he mostly spent his time indoors over doing fun activities with barely any friends.
Around the young age of nine and after his incident with the bullies the previous year, he was watching Rocky the sports movie with his brothers while their parents were away at work and he got inspired to learn how to be good at boxing to defend himself and to make sure that no one would mess with him again. One of his biggest inspirations and one of his all time favorite movies is Cinderella Man as he always found himself going back to watching it whenever he was in a sour mood and whenever he wanted to find some motivation about his favorite sport. He asked his parents to let him take up some boxing classes at nearby gyms and they noticed that it made him feel more happier and livelier after he had a rough time for a while in school and how he was behaving more sullen and lonely. He currently goes to TITLE Boxing Club in Salem as he uses it to help himself keep fit and healthy and a way of letting out his pent-up anger so he can let go of any bad thoughts and de-stress himself from all of his current problems.
When Aion was just about the age of eleven, he had gotten bored one day and he had hunted through his mom’s collection of romance novels out of pure curiosity. He ended up enjoying the central love story and the struggles and hardships that the main characters had to go through to get their happy ending. Some of his favorite authors are Nora Roberts, Nicholas Sparks, Robyn Carr and Alyssa Cole and he likes to read them in his own private time. He still likes to read romances currently and he isn’t open about it to his small group of friends as he knows that they would tease him for it.
Not long after his twelfth birthday, Dillan had got into a huge argument with their parents behind closed doors and Aion and Sammy had no clue what the argument had been about. Afterwards, Dillan would get into fights with their parents regularly about his sexuality that Aion didn’t understand at the time and Dillan ended up getting kicked out after he had been using cocaine and heroin around a young Sammy. After some months of family tension after the Dillan disaster, the family had got a call about Dillan dying in a motorbike accident and it completely shattered Ryan and Ava as they blamed themselves for not getting Dillan help with his drug addiction due to them not accepting him for being gay and they believed that him turning to drugs was the result of them turning their back on him for being himself. Aion couldn’t understand why Dillan, whom he had a close sibling relationship with, had died and his way of grieving ended up resulting in him being angry at everything and everyone else. He started getting into fights with other students that were taunting him, breaking plates and throwing chairs at people who were trying to help him calm down, kicking and trying to break doors and yelling at other students that had no idea what was going on with him personally. He got suspended a few times and one of his teachers discussed their worries about Aion’s behaviour with his parents to get them to get him help as soon as possible. His parents had tried to get him help with angerment management therapy but the results didn’t stop him from still feeling short-tempered or stressed out. He did however, find other things that could help him calm down for a while, such as boxing, reading and other things that he could invest his time in. He also numbed the pain by bullying innocent people and other bullies outside the school and he makes sure not to do it too much as he doesn’t want to get in more trouble.
When Aion was around the age of thirteen, his mother had decided to make him listen to some classical music to help reduce his unstable hatred for other people that he didn’t get along with at the time since any negative mentions of Dillan felt like a berserk button to the young boy that were made by other students. Classical music actually did help him feel more relaxed, less stress and anxiety and more calm and he was actually thankful that his mom had introduced him to that type of music. His most favorite classical musicians are Beethoven, Mozart, Bach and Brahms and he will make sure to listen to them if his anger is being pushed over the edge by other people’s bullying. He still uses the music as a type of therapy in his own way, and he also uses the music during when he is doing other hobbies or if he is working on something that he needs to concentrate fully on.
At the age of sixteen, Aion definitely felt like he had a closer bond with his mom and his younger brother as he continued to grow up and he felt like he wanted to get to close the distance between him and his father. He actually looked up online videos about auto mechanic work and he found himself becoming more intrigued by the subject. He actually asked his father for advice on how to learn about fixing and repairing cars and his father happily showed him how things work by demonstrating on a clunker. He also picked up repair manuals to help him out if he struggled to practice and he did some studying on it at the local library to learn some new and exciting things about how auto mechanic stuff worked. He is currently a lot better at repairing cars as he had some neighbors that would ask for his help if there is something wrong with their cars and he definitely felt like he has a close bond with his father over a familiar hobby and interest.
Aion found out that he was gay at fourteen when he kissed a close friend who was a guy at a party when they were playing spin the bottle and he found himself not feeling any attraction to girls at that time. It took him a while to open up about himself as he was feeling confused about how to handle those feelings and how he was having bullying and anger issues against other people. He opened up to his family on his seventeenth birthday and his father broke down the most as Dillan being gay had been one of the reasons of why he had been kicked out of the family and Dillan endangering Sammy around drugs had been the last straw. Ryan and Ava didn’t want to make that mistake again as it had resulted in the death of one of their beloved kids and they were going to support Aion and learn how to be better parents for their remaining children. Aion then opened up about his sexuality to his friends and other people at the school and he got mixed reactions to it when he had expected it to be worse than that. He is currently in a love-hate relationship with another student and the rainbow badge that he is wearing belonged to Dillan that he took from his brother’s room to wear it proudly.
In high school, Aion’s favorite subject is PE as it involves physical activities and it’s just a more fun class to him personally. Other subjects are just around the grade of Cs as he is pretty much average at them, and he doesn’t care about being the perfect student. Although, he does try his best if it’s a teacher that he actually likes, and he will feel disappointed if he feels like he let them down in trying to better himself in his studies and his homework.
Aion’s closest relationships are with his parents and his younger brother over other people and he would selfishly not change that for anything in the world. He makes sure that Sammy is more happy with the things that he loves to do, such as knitting, drawing comics and bird watching, and he doesn’t want his brother to force himself to like things Aion likes just to bond with him. Aion’s relationship with his parents are a lot better than it was in the past as it felt like the family had lifted a heavy weight off of their shoulders and they are both supporting their two sons a lot better with things that they both want to talk to them about. He can be very observant about other things that are happening around him and he will either help with such situations or he will not depending on how he personally feels about it at that time. Even if he does have a small group of friends, even they do get irritated when he tries to fight with people after his short temper is provoked or if he bullies other people who are weaker and more cowardly when they rub him the wrong way with remarks about him or even the bullies who are all-talk and can’t fight that are yelling, pranking and taunting him. He is more likely to do these things outside the school so that he won’t get caught or suspended. He can also be impulsive that could end up getting himself or other people in trouble because of him saying things that he doesn’t mean or leaping into action without a second thought. Aion, however, can have moments of being fearless and confident in what leaps and risks that he wants to achieve with his life, even if other people will think he will fail in getting his dreams or goals done. Aion can also be seen as a rude and an unfriendly person as he is still hurting from his brother’s death and he has no idea how to control his emotions that well. But he still cares about people deep down inside even if people see more of his negative side on the outside and it is rare to get him to open up his softer side.
Aion isn’t that sure of what he will do as a career after he has finished school and he doesn’t really want to go to any universities or colleges as he doesn’t think he will be invested in studying subjects at them for too long. However, he has been keeping an idea of being an auto mechanic in mind for a near possible future.
Advantages: He is quite strong due to keeping himself fit and having taken up boxing skills, he is pretty loyal and close to his small-kit of friends, and his fearlessness can help him take risks that can either be good or bad for him and possibly others in the long term.
Disadvantages: Due to his dislike of other people, it is likely that he will alienate other potential allies that want to pair up with him, his short temper would make him more stressed and anxious, his impulsive nature could end up putting himself or others in harm’s way, his short stature could result in him being overpowered by anyone that is taller and much more stronger than him, and he could have targets on his back as he has bullied other people who don’t deserve his wrath.
Aion Rhodes
Angy Boy is here!
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Primrosette
- Posts: 1184
- Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 9:58 am
- Location: In the Dark Abyss
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Ruggahissy
- Posts: 2540
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:13 pm
Howdy howdy. I’m Rugga, and I’ll be your mod. Aion needs a bit of work before he’s ready to go through, so let’s take a look.
“He is of the height of 5’0 and he weighs 112 lbs.”
- I think you can just say “He is 5’0’’” or something similar.
“His hair is originally the color of ginger”
- Are you saying he’s originally a ginger (as in having a red/orange hair color) or that his hair is the colof of ginger the food, like a light pink of pickled ginger or yellow of ginger root? If it’s the first, it would probably make more sense to say “He originally had ginger hair.”
“His hair is originally the color of ginger that he had dyed completely purple and his hair style is of an undercut with a messy top of hair.”
- Comma before “and” in “and his hair style” since it’s a conjunction connecting two independent clauses. Also “hairstyle” is one word.
“He has slightly bushy, black eyebrows that are well kept and he has also dyed the brows purple to match his hair.”
- I think it might be less confusing to note that his eyebrows are originally black and are now dyed (like you’ve done with the hair). Also should be “well-kept” with a hyphen.
“Aion prefers to wear any clothing that is associated with the color of purple, dark blue and grey”
- He wears clothes associated with these colors or that are these colors? If so, what does being associated with them mean exactly?
“He likes to wear no brand buttoned-up shirts”
- No-brand with a hyphen.
“On the day of the abduction, he was wearing his skull-spliced, printed button-shirt which has the designs of a lilac color with metal chains on the right side”
- What are the lilac designs of the shirt? Is it the metal chains that are lilac?
“His grades were more or less average as he didn’t find lessons that interesting and he found it more fun to do physical activities or just playing with other children.”
- Comma before “and he found it” because it's a conjunction connecting independent clauses.
"During his last years of elementary school; he mostly got more quiet,"
- A semicolon is usually used between two independent clauses that are not joined by a conjunction to signal a closer connection between them than a period would. Since "During the last year of his elementary school" is not an independent clause, remove the semicolon and replace with a comma.
How much older are the bullies that broke his arm? How old was he at the time? I know it later says he was nine and that the bullies incident happened a year earlier, but I think it would be easier for readers to just tell them how old he was in the section where it’s discussed.
“most of his friends felt scared to hang out with him due to the fight and how he lashed out afterwards.”
- I’d like some more information here. Why are his friends scared to hang out with him after the fight when it seems like he was the one that got majorly hurt in this fight? How is it that he lashed out afterwards that made him so frightening to the other kids?
“When Aion was just about the peak age of eleven,”
- What does it mean that he’s at the “peak age of eleven?” What is this the peak age for?
It looks like “Mom” is capitalized throughout the profile when it doesn’t need to be.
“Afterwards, Dillan would get into fights with their parents regularly about issues that Aion didn’t understand at the time and Dillan ended up getting kicked out after he had been using some illegal substance around a young Sammy.”
- I know it says that Aion doesn’t know the source of the fights, and we later find out the source, but it’s probably good to put in that they were sparked by Dillan’s sexuality as well as the drug-use for ease of reading as someone goes down the profile. Also, what kind of drugs was he using?
“It completely shattered Ryan and Ava, as they blamed themselves for not getting Dillan help with his issues and drug addiction.”
- I feel like maybe they should have also blamed themselves for arguing with Dillan because he was gay, which drove him (I am assuming) to use drugs to numb the pain of not being accepted by his parents and also contributed to them kicking him out. Their feeling remorse about this also ties into Aion’s coming out later as well.
“ended up resulting in him being angry at everything and everyone else.”
- How is this anger manifesting such that his parents sent him to anger management? Is he yelling at people? Breaking things? Being rude? Did he come to them and just tell them he’s stressed and taking the death hard?
“When Aion was around the age of thirteen, his mother had decided to make him listen to some classical music to help reduce his anger issues and hatred for other people that he didn’t get along with at the time since any negative mentions of Dillan felt like a berserk button to the young boy. “
- What is he doing that’s an issue regarding disliking people he doesn’t get along with? Who is making negative remarks about Dillan? I hope not his family.
“He still uses the music as a type of therapy in his own way and he also uses the music during when he is doing other hobbies or if he is working on something that he needs to concentrate fully on. “
- Comma between “way” and “and” since these are independent clauses joined by a conjunction.
“He looked up online videos about auto mechanic work, and he found himself included becoming intrigued by the subject.”
- I think there’s supposed to be a word other than “included” here.
“He asked his father for advice and how to learn to work on fixing”
- I think it should be “on” instead of “and” and either “how to learn” or “to work on” is superfluous. It should either be “He asked his father for advice on how to learn about fixing and repairing cars” or “He asked his father for advice on how to work on fixing and repairing cars.”
“His father broke down the most as Dillan being gay had been one of the results of why he had been kicked out of the family and Dillan endangering Sammy around drugs had been the last straw.”
- “As Dilan being gay has been one of the RESULTS of why he had been kicked out.” The way it’s phrased now is that he’s gay as a result of being kicked out of the house, which I don’t think is the intention. I think you want “one of the reasons” instead of “one of the results.”
“Other subjects are just around the grade of Cs or Ds, as he is pretty much average at them and he doesn’t care about being the perfect student. Although, he does try his best if it’s a teacher that he actually likes and he will feel disappointed if he feels like he let them down in trying to better himself in his studies and his homework.”
- Commas before the “and”s in these sentences since they connect independent clauses.
“Even if he does have a small group of friends, even they do get irritated when he tries to fight with people after his short temper is provoked or if he bullies other people who are weaker than him or even the bullies that are bullying him.”
- I think this needs to come up in the profile before now. It’s near the end and there has been mention of his anger issues with no specific examples, but here I learn that he is trying to fight people. I also did not know up until this point he was also bullying people. How long has he been bullying people? How? Why? Have there been any consequences as a result of this even though it happens off-campus? What weaker people are he targeting? I know he’s been boxing for years but he’s also only 5 feet. He’s very small.
“He can also be impulsive that could end up getting himself or other people in trouble because of his shenanigans.”
- Is him trying to fight people weaker than him “shenanigans?”
“his observation skills helps him analyze other surroundings around himself”
- I don’t think there was enough information in the profile aside from a brief mention at the end to call him unusually more observant or analytical than the average person.
- I feel like maybe his close and loyal friend group would be an advantage?
- I feel maybe his very small stature (I am not a remarkably tall woman and I tower over him) is a disadvantage.
This is a last thing but what is his relationship with his parents and Sammy now?
Ok, that's it! There's not much to change here regarding content, so that's good! I think besides some grammatical changes, the biggest thing I'd ask for is some rearranging of elements and some expansion. I start questioning very early in the profile the nature of Aion's anger issues and I learn near the end that he's trying to fight people. I think it's important to have more information on that and have it throughout the profile since a few of his hobbies relate to his anger and it seems to be a big part of his personality. If you have any questions or need anything, please don't hesitate to contact me. Thanks!
“He is of the height of 5’0 and he weighs 112 lbs.”
- I think you can just say “He is 5’0’’” or something similar.
“His hair is originally the color of ginger”
- Are you saying he’s originally a ginger (as in having a red/orange hair color) or that his hair is the colof of ginger the food, like a light pink of pickled ginger or yellow of ginger root? If it’s the first, it would probably make more sense to say “He originally had ginger hair.”
“His hair is originally the color of ginger that he had dyed completely purple and his hair style is of an undercut with a messy top of hair.”
- Comma before “and” in “and his hair style” since it’s a conjunction connecting two independent clauses. Also “hairstyle” is one word.
“He has slightly bushy, black eyebrows that are well kept and he has also dyed the brows purple to match his hair.”
- I think it might be less confusing to note that his eyebrows are originally black and are now dyed (like you’ve done with the hair). Also should be “well-kept” with a hyphen.
“Aion prefers to wear any clothing that is associated with the color of purple, dark blue and grey”
- He wears clothes associated with these colors or that are these colors? If so, what does being associated with them mean exactly?
“He likes to wear no brand buttoned-up shirts”
- No-brand with a hyphen.
“On the day of the abduction, he was wearing his skull-spliced, printed button-shirt which has the designs of a lilac color with metal chains on the right side”
- What are the lilac designs of the shirt? Is it the metal chains that are lilac?
“His grades were more or less average as he didn’t find lessons that interesting and he found it more fun to do physical activities or just playing with other children.”
- Comma before “and he found it” because it's a conjunction connecting independent clauses.
"During his last years of elementary school; he mostly got more quiet,"
- A semicolon is usually used between two independent clauses that are not joined by a conjunction to signal a closer connection between them than a period would. Since "During the last year of his elementary school" is not an independent clause, remove the semicolon and replace with a comma.
How much older are the bullies that broke his arm? How old was he at the time? I know it later says he was nine and that the bullies incident happened a year earlier, but I think it would be easier for readers to just tell them how old he was in the section where it’s discussed.
“most of his friends felt scared to hang out with him due to the fight and how he lashed out afterwards.”
- I’d like some more information here. Why are his friends scared to hang out with him after the fight when it seems like he was the one that got majorly hurt in this fight? How is it that he lashed out afterwards that made him so frightening to the other kids?
“When Aion was just about the peak age of eleven,”
- What does it mean that he’s at the “peak age of eleven?” What is this the peak age for?
It looks like “Mom” is capitalized throughout the profile when it doesn’t need to be.
“Afterwards, Dillan would get into fights with their parents regularly about issues that Aion didn’t understand at the time and Dillan ended up getting kicked out after he had been using some illegal substance around a young Sammy.”
- I know it says that Aion doesn’t know the source of the fights, and we later find out the source, but it’s probably good to put in that they were sparked by Dillan’s sexuality as well as the drug-use for ease of reading as someone goes down the profile. Also, what kind of drugs was he using?
“It completely shattered Ryan and Ava, as they blamed themselves for not getting Dillan help with his issues and drug addiction.”
- I feel like maybe they should have also blamed themselves for arguing with Dillan because he was gay, which drove him (I am assuming) to use drugs to numb the pain of not being accepted by his parents and also contributed to them kicking him out. Their feeling remorse about this also ties into Aion’s coming out later as well.
“ended up resulting in him being angry at everything and everyone else.”
- How is this anger manifesting such that his parents sent him to anger management? Is he yelling at people? Breaking things? Being rude? Did he come to them and just tell them he’s stressed and taking the death hard?
“When Aion was around the age of thirteen, his mother had decided to make him listen to some classical music to help reduce his anger issues and hatred for other people that he didn’t get along with at the time since any negative mentions of Dillan felt like a berserk button to the young boy. “
- What is he doing that’s an issue regarding disliking people he doesn’t get along with? Who is making negative remarks about Dillan? I hope not his family.
“He still uses the music as a type of therapy in his own way and he also uses the music during when he is doing other hobbies or if he is working on something that he needs to concentrate fully on. “
- Comma between “way” and “and” since these are independent clauses joined by a conjunction.
“He looked up online videos about auto mechanic work, and he found himself included becoming intrigued by the subject.”
- I think there’s supposed to be a word other than “included” here.
“He asked his father for advice and how to learn to work on fixing”
- I think it should be “on” instead of “and” and either “how to learn” or “to work on” is superfluous. It should either be “He asked his father for advice on how to learn about fixing and repairing cars” or “He asked his father for advice on how to work on fixing and repairing cars.”
“His father broke down the most as Dillan being gay had been one of the results of why he had been kicked out of the family and Dillan endangering Sammy around drugs had been the last straw.”
- “As Dilan being gay has been one of the RESULTS of why he had been kicked out.” The way it’s phrased now is that he’s gay as a result of being kicked out of the house, which I don’t think is the intention. I think you want “one of the reasons” instead of “one of the results.”
“Other subjects are just around the grade of Cs or Ds, as he is pretty much average at them and he doesn’t care about being the perfect student. Although, he does try his best if it’s a teacher that he actually likes and he will feel disappointed if he feels like he let them down in trying to better himself in his studies and his homework.”
- Commas before the “and”s in these sentences since they connect independent clauses.
“Even if he does have a small group of friends, even they do get irritated when he tries to fight with people after his short temper is provoked or if he bullies other people who are weaker than him or even the bullies that are bullying him.”
- I think this needs to come up in the profile before now. It’s near the end and there has been mention of his anger issues with no specific examples, but here I learn that he is trying to fight people. I also did not know up until this point he was also bullying people. How long has he been bullying people? How? Why? Have there been any consequences as a result of this even though it happens off-campus? What weaker people are he targeting? I know he’s been boxing for years but he’s also only 5 feet. He’s very small.
“He can also be impulsive that could end up getting himself or other people in trouble because of his shenanigans.”
- Is him trying to fight people weaker than him “shenanigans?”
“his observation skills helps him analyze other surroundings around himself”
- I don’t think there was enough information in the profile aside from a brief mention at the end to call him unusually more observant or analytical than the average person.
- I feel like maybe his close and loyal friend group would be an advantage?
- I feel maybe his very small stature (I am not a remarkably tall woman and I tower over him) is a disadvantage.
This is a last thing but what is his relationship with his parents and Sammy now?
Ok, that's it! There's not much to change here regarding content, so that's good! I think besides some grammatical changes, the biggest thing I'd ask for is some rearranging of elements and some expansion. I start questioning very early in the profile the nature of Aion's anger issues and I learn near the end that he's trying to fight people. I think it's important to have more information on that and have it throughout the profile since a few of his hobbies relate to his anger and it seems to be a big part of his personality. If you have any questions or need anything, please don't hesitate to contact me. Thanks!
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Primrosette
- Posts: 1184
- Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 9:58 am
- Location: In the Dark Abyss
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Ruggahissy
- Posts: 2540
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:13 pm
Thank you so much!
We're nearly there, just a few more smaller edits:
“Aion then opened up about his sexuality to his friends and other people at the school, and he got mixed reactions to it when he had expected.”
- I think there's some words missing here in the phrase "he got mixed reactions to it when he had expected."
“Other subjects are just around the grade of Cs or Ds as he is pretty much average at them,”
Just a note here that Ds are below average and he’d be thought of as a poor student with these grades. Maybe just Cs across the board would signal an average student or slightly below average.
“He makes sure that Sammy is more happy with the things that he loves to do, such as knitting, drawing comics and birdwatching, and Sammy has told him a private secret that he hopes to talk to their parents about one day.”
- I’m not sure what’s being said in this first part. Sammy is “more happy” with things he likes to do. More happy than what? Also this part about a private secret isn’t helpful if there’s no information on the secret. If this is something that’s going to play out in pregame, you can probably just take it out and let it play out. You can also choose to put whatever this information is during the final apps.
- I'm also still not sure about his capabilities as a bully. He's still so small ( at five foot, 112 pounds) that I don't think he'd be much of a threat to most of the people in his class. Additionally, I'm totally cool with all his boxing hobby section since it says he just trains at a gym and there's no mention of competing, but at the end it says he's thinking about boxing as a career. At his height and weight, I don't think there's a big future for him since he's too small for the lightweight boxing division (130 pounds). There are some divisions below that, which at 112 pounds, he'd fall into the mini flyweight/straw weight division, which doesn't have a lot of competitors (at least in America, it seems to have more people in Asia and some places in Latin America) because not many people competing are that small.
Ok, that's it! I promise a speedier response on this round.
We're nearly there, just a few more smaller edits:
“Aion then opened up about his sexuality to his friends and other people at the school, and he got mixed reactions to it when he had expected.”
- I think there's some words missing here in the phrase "he got mixed reactions to it when he had expected."
“Other subjects are just around the grade of Cs or Ds as he is pretty much average at them,”
Just a note here that Ds are below average and he’d be thought of as a poor student with these grades. Maybe just Cs across the board would signal an average student or slightly below average.
“He makes sure that Sammy is more happy with the things that he loves to do, such as knitting, drawing comics and birdwatching, and Sammy has told him a private secret that he hopes to talk to their parents about one day.”
- I’m not sure what’s being said in this first part. Sammy is “more happy” with things he likes to do. More happy than what? Also this part about a private secret isn’t helpful if there’s no information on the secret. If this is something that’s going to play out in pregame, you can probably just take it out and let it play out. You can also choose to put whatever this information is during the final apps.
- I'm also still not sure about his capabilities as a bully. He's still so small ( at five foot, 112 pounds) that I don't think he'd be much of a threat to most of the people in his class. Additionally, I'm totally cool with all his boxing hobby section since it says he just trains at a gym and there's no mention of competing, but at the end it says he's thinking about boxing as a career. At his height and weight, I don't think there's a big future for him since he's too small for the lightweight boxing division (130 pounds). There are some divisions below that, which at 112 pounds, he'd fall into the mini flyweight/straw weight division, which doesn't have a lot of competitors (at least in America, it seems to have more people in Asia and some places in Latin America) because not many people competing are that small.
Ok, that's it! I promise a speedier response on this round.
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Primrosette
- Posts: 1184
- Joined: Tue Aug 14, 2018 9:58 am
- Location: In the Dark Abyss
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Ruggahissy
- Posts: 2540
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:13 pm
Hello and thank you and apologies again for the slowness. I promise lightening fast responses for this one because there is only one thing left:
I'm still not solid on this one
"I'm also still not sure about his capabilities as a bully. He's still so small ( at five foot, 112 pounds) that I don't think he'd be much of a threat to most of the people in his class."
Who is it that he's bullying, exactly? I feel like the majority of students at his high school are bigger than him, weigh more, and wouldn't be easily bullied by him. Is it middle schoolers? So wondering who the targets are for this part:
"He also numbed the pain by bullying innocent people and other bullies outside the school and he makes sure not to do it too much as he doesn’t want to get in more trouble. "
And that is it! I promise same day (accounting for US timezones) turnarounds on this.
I'm still not solid on this one
"I'm also still not sure about his capabilities as a bully. He's still so small ( at five foot, 112 pounds) that I don't think he'd be much of a threat to most of the people in his class."
Who is it that he's bullying, exactly? I feel like the majority of students at his high school are bigger than him, weigh more, and wouldn't be easily bullied by him. Is it middle schoolers? So wondering who the targets are for this part:
"He also numbed the pain by bullying innocent people and other bullies outside the school and he makes sure not to do it too much as he doesn’t want to get in more trouble. "
And that is it! I promise same day (accounting for US timezones) turnarounds on this.
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."