Ricky the Crit-dique

Credit to Cactus for the title

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.
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MK Kilmarnock
Posts: 2256
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:28 am
Location: On one of the coasts, generally

Ricky the Crit-dique

#1

Post by MK Kilmarnock »

I haven't been able to coordinate very well for the Two Grumpy Men critiques so I may just open a separate one that's like 'Ricky holds nothing back and might be kind of a rude dick if your character isn't great, so only apply if you're ready for that'
Wherein Ricky reads your shit, and tells you if it's shit.

Honestly if it's good, he's still going to make fun of it wherever possible.

This ain't yo momma's critique thread! Only apply to the queue if you're interested in having me tell you EXACTLY what I think of some of your writing, with me holding nothing back, and you're not gonna get too mad about that. Also only apply your own stuff. I'll take any version including V7, but I'd prefer finished characters if possible.
methodical slackerToday at 2:44 PM
Are Mini characters eligible?
No.

Queue:

1. Kimiko Kao
2. Nate Turner (to be changed)
3. Brandon Murphy
4. Hel Fury
5. Aleksandra Prudius (to be changed)
5.5. Axel
V8 Characters:
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
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Deamon
Posts: 2334
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:28 pm

#2

Post by Deamon »

Kimiko Kao please
V8
Aracelis Fuentes
California “Cali” Fox
Darryl Smith Jr.
Jessica Romero
[+] V7
G047 - Aliya Kimia Nemati - Blowgun w/ 10 Poison Darts - you're nobody till somebody kills you - "I just wanted to talk." - DEAD
G001 - Arizona Butler - Camping Stove - Dead Bxdies in the Lake Part II - ""We got there eventually." - DEAD
B046 - Bret Carter - Weighted Net - Swerve - "I'll just be on my way and we can all continue with our evenings." - DEAD
G022 - Forrest Quin - Ball-gag and handcuffs - DRUGS SAV3D MY LIF3 - "Abe-" - DEAD
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Slam
Posts: 1139
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:07 pm

#3

Post by Slam »

Nate Turner cause I asked you already and you graciously accepted please.
"Smile. The world's not ending just yet."
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Ohm
Posts: 696
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 3:49 pm
Location: Away from the hopeless peasantry

#4

Post by Ohm »

Serena Waters please.
[+] V6
G019 Serena Waters
Image
The Past:
1
Island:
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12
Meanwhile:
1
B037 William "Will" McKinley
Image(Adopted from Dannyrulx)
Dannyrulx:
Memories:
1-2
Pregame:
1-2
Sadie Hawkins Dance:
1-2
Island:
1-2
Adoption:
3-4-5-6-7-8
[+] V7
B026 Sean Leibowitz
Image Image
1-2-3-4-5-6-7
B071 Sal Bonaventura (Adopted from Skraal)
Skraal:
1-2-3-4-5
Adoption:
6-7-8-9
B085 Brandon Murphy (adopted from Rattlesnake)
1-2-3
[+] V8
Timothy Adams
Andrew Lapson
William "Bill" Taylor
Amos Flanigan
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Latin For Dragula
Posts: 1802
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 3:37 pm
Contact:

#5

Post by Latin For Dragula »

Let's get Ty in here sure
[+] SotF Characters
[+] V5 Characters
ImageG056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
ImageB062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
ImageB014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] V6 Characters

ImageG037, Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
ImageB016, Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
ImageIsaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
ImageG011, Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
ImageG032, Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars
[+] V7 Characters
ImageB066, Blaise d'Aramitz: I am not fucking dabbing on a corpse, Carl. Character Theme: The Nurse Who Loved Me-A Perfect Circle
ImageG032, Helena 'Hel" Fury: I hope my family’s waiting. The one I made out here. I hope you’ll be a part of it again. Character Theme: Fix Me-10 YearsImage
ImageB073, Jeremiah Anderson: "GO--GO--GO." Character theme: The Big Sleep-Murder By Death
ImageG066, Marco Hart: I'm not satisfied anymore. I don't think I'd want to be if I could. Character theme: Maurice's Monsters-Small Leaks Sink Ships
ImageG080, Nikki Nelson-Kelly: The fools. The morons. The aBsOlUtE cReTiNs. Character Theme: Movement-The Whip
ImageG062, Tonya Collins: The girl, the person, the thing, the shape on the screen, that wasn't her. Character Theme: Get Down-Isador
Aura
Posts: 564
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:01 pm

#6

Post by Aura »

She may not exactly be finished yet, but since she won't be on the island, I'd like to hear your take on Aleksandra Prudius' pregame story.
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Fenris
Posts: 1520
Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 5:56 pm
Location: hell probably

#7

Post by Fenris »

hello i was given permission to be here i swear

i was gonna be a dick and say ivy but uhh axel i guess
"Well, Fenris, the King of Gossip. We meet again."
[+] v7
the dead:
Image[B040] Dante Valerio - Fell asleep too early.
[V7] [x] [x] [x]
[Pregame] Then: None Now: [Start] Prom: [Start] Trip: [Start]
Image[G014] Apollonia "Nia" Karahalios - T-R-I-E-D.
[V7] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]
[Pregame] Then: [Start] Now: [Start] Prom: None Trip: [Start]
Image[B004] Axel Fontaine - Lost his place.
[V7] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]
[Pregame] Then: [Start] Now: [Start] Prom: [Start] Trip: [Start]
Image[G041] Ivy Langley - Together forever.
[V7] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]
[Pregame] Then: [Start] Now: [Start] Prom: [Start] Trip: [Start]

the living:
ImageArtem Fyodorov - Desperate.
[Meanwhile] [x] [x] [x]
[Pregame] Then: [Start] Now: [Start] Prom: [Start]
ImageZen Alicea Feliciano - On vacation!
[Meanwhile] [x]
[Pregame] Then: [Start] Now: [Start] Prom: [Start]
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MK Kilmarnock
Posts: 2256
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:28 am
Location: On one of the coasts, generally

#8

Post by MK Kilmarnock »

Okay, Axel it is.

Queue is now closed for the time being.
V8 Characters:
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
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MK Kilmarnock
Posts: 2256
Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:28 am
Location: On one of the coasts, generally

#9

Post by MK Kilmarnock »

[quote]KilmarnockToday at 2:14 PM
Alllllright let's go
“ It's all about the game, G047, and how you play it. All about respect and if you can take it. There's nobody holding you back - you can't be driven by feelings, only by anger. On the other hand, it'd be a shameful thing if you lost your head, a careless student who wound up dead…” - Dennis Lourvey


Okay, let’s try this again.

It’s the age old story: Boy meets critique forum, boy neglects critique forum for well over a year, boy realizes the critique is woefully out of date anyway. That’s what I get for not reading shit, so this is sort of an apology review for never getting around to reviewing all of Deamon’s Kimiko in V6. But then again, as we know, this critique thread is dedicated to being an asshole and ripping characters apart where I can and there just wasn’t much to make fun of with Kimiko so, really, I think we can all agree it was really Deamon’s fault.
^I have a foreword pre-written but then realized I don't like typing out full reviews
Ahem, moving on.

Like before, I start with reading Aliya’s pregame but I’m not going to be dedicating as much to the critique of it as last time. It’s not the ‘meat’ of the character but a pregame can be important to understanding the character’s decisions and behavior, provided there’s one in the first place (as we can sometimes get characters with very little or no pregame and these characters can still be good).

So anyway, Aliya. Aliya Kimia Nemati (I for the life of me cannot remember her full name and will never refer to her as such again) is one of Deamon’s four entries into V7. I’d generally say she’s the sportiest of the four but she’s competing against the crux of George Hunter’s football team defense in Bret Carter and arguably THE star of the girl’s basketball team in Arizona Butler. So you can basically pick out any of these three to decide who’s the sportiest. Interestingly enough, Aliya shares her interest in amateur wrestling with Bret, her love of rap and hip hop with Arizona, and all three have a love of fitness/working out mentioned in one form or another so it’s kind of a… we’ll say cohesive group. I’m not saying Deamon has a type, but yeah he totally has a type and he won’t often deviate from it. To his credit Forrest IS the odd one out and from what I’ve seen he’s done well with her so I’m not saying he’s a one-trick pony or anything. The man knows at least two.
So, pregame notes while reading Aliya, her oneshots are fantastic. Her race comes up in a pretty cool way that is seldom tackled on SotF and even rarer taken on in a sensible or even-handed way, and there's this tension conveyed with that pickup truck group staring at her and her sister to the point where I'm worried for her safety, more than I would for somebody on the island because it's just so real.
Like oh shit, are those dudes skinheads and are they about to attack her?
And they don't even do anything overtly racist, they're just coldly staring so your imagination runs wild and I think the scene's better for that.
It means there's always that kind of nervousness in her life, something she just has to deal with sometimes.
Wrestling's fairly central to the character too and there's more than a single thread spent on it, but Aliya doesn't feel like just a one-off. She's still a character without her proclivity for wrassles. So good job there too.
You're one of the better natural dialog writers. I don't have any examples up so it's just a general note; Aliya speech sounds like an actual human would sound. And that's pretty much all I had for her pregame; I really thought 'is the shits' was a Britishism because I've never heard any American say that but I googled that shit and I guess it isn't, because I couldn't find anything for it?
Right, so game proper, and I've already read Aliya's first thread. I mean, I was in it. We can draw a few qualities from her right away: She's level-headed, she prefers to try and talk through her problems if she thinks it's possible, and she intends to keep the peace. She's physically and mentally pretty well-equipped to survive - she assesses the situation and determines that if push came to shove, she could take Justin down and she's 100% right, but understands it's also really risky and there's an alternative in simply talking him down, which she's a skilled-enough talker to do.
There are a lot of characters who THINK they're diplomatic and suave but every time they open their mouth they just kinda piss everybody around them off. Aliya is the pair of scissors to the bomb's fuse for real, though.
She even manages to pull that off with Tony and Michael nearby, both of whom are far more aggressive about the situation (Tony softens up pretty quickly though, Michael does not)
Moving on to her next thread, I enjoyed the dream sequence because it catches the natural flow of dreams, e.g. not always making sense and featuring realistic imagery.
Dreaming about a day at school and mundane events before waking up: Broke.
Dreaming about a giant boot stepping on people and making them look like wads of maggot-infested chewing gum: Woke
It's short and might uncharitably read as filler but it's HIGHLY entertaining. The nightmare is only the first part of the scene, too, and while it's not particularly eventful, I'm down to see the anxieties of she who takes it upon herself to keep night watch.
Really nothing to say about the next thread.
Moss and Bones is... probably the least enjoyable part of the read but it's nothing on Aliya's part. The scene works with Paloma, Aliya, Tony and to some extent Amber but I felt like nobody else really contributes in a meaningful way to the main events of the plot of this thread, which is the fight between the aforementioned four that culminates in Tony's horrific injury that sets up the next thread. The injury Aliya suffers here is a huge deal, too, and we're left to feel the pain with her. Oh, my aching knees.
The sendoff Aliya gives Tony after his passing was very sweet. His death is made that much better by her presence for sure.
"Hey," She started. "You killed someone and you've gotta carry that now. You made the choice to shoot that gun and tomorrow they're gonna tell you the name of who it was and you need to carry that too." Aliya looked at the boy in front of her and all she saw was someone who was scared and trying to make the best decisions he could. She had seen the exact same look before, back when it was the early days on the island. When she spoke again she kept her voice level and soft.
FUN FACT I TOTALLY MISSED THIS LINE ON MY FIRST READ OF THIS THREAD AND IT'S FUCKING GREAT
I was in the death thread (as an aside to not!Deamon folks, I took on the assignment of Aliya before she was slated to die as an apology for half-assing Kimiko in my desires to move my critiques to V7 in order to be current) so I didn't want to spend too much time on it but Aliya's story has lots of callbacks in its bookends and it wasn't a central or heavily dealt with theme, but there's some guilt she attributes in her failure to reign in Justin so the way the story starts and ends really helps to seal the deal on a complete story with no real loose threads hanging.
And that's my review on Aliya. Like with Kimiko, I'd really like to make fun of her as THAT'S THE POINT OF MY CRITIQUE THREAD but you keep giving me good shit.
V8 Characters:
Hades Thompson: Scary on the outside, dying on the inside
Ruth Flanagan: Never talk to me or my brother or my brother or my brother or my brother ever again
Vladimir Tepes: Not a vampire, so invite him in
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