This is for the basic bitches sleeping on me: wake the fuck up hoes!

[Melusine]

"You know, I used to think it was okay for me to be a virgin.

"Well, I still think so. If someone went up to me and asked me if it was okay, I would be like 'duh of course! It takes time!', but uh, with me? I'd prefer not. Like, I guess being chaste has its benefits, but they're running out of me.

"But, like, to lose my V-Card I kinda' need someone else, and I kinda' don't have that. Like, yeah, I could sleep with my friend's pusher but that's a bad idea; I doubt they would say yes, anyways. It would be more likely to cause a fatality. Plus, like, sleeping with your dealer just leads to worse things like having to pay more 'cuz he doesn't give you shit for me.

"Anyways, I've been looking for something to eat, you know? Something to put my teeth on, because the itch is there. I'm not even like horny or anything, it's just like... I guess I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I'm feeling like I'm wasting my time. It's a recurring theme with me, I guess.

"Feeling that I'm not on par with my peers is like a daily occurrence. What am I supposed to do when I see everyone getting laid and getting dates and going to proms and meeting people when I'm all alone watching a horror movie with a guy I met on Tindr that doesn't even know my real name.

"I told him my name was Melanie, for the record.

"Poor dude. My dad walked in on us and he ousted him. Dad started to yell at me and it was like, 'great guess I'll vomit' and then I yakked everywhere like a puppy that's been shaken. I had to clean the carpet and all. It was so stupid!

"I don't even want to have sex, I just want to say I did it, but I hate lying. I really do. I think lying is so stupid because I could just tell people the truth instead. It's so much easier. People prefer you when you're honest, and I'd rather have people like me than dislike me.

"I don't know how to get a boyfriend, is the problem. I tried dating apps, but it was like stumbling into a market where nobody wanted to sell things. There were so many pretty guys and then there was me and the guys were like totally not interested. I don't blame them, I'm not very pretty. On average, I think I score below most when it comes to attractiveness. I know I'm a little misshapen and my hair goes bad in the afternoon and my skin is all gunked up, but I'm a good person I swear. I'm a really, really good person. I love making people happy and I love when people look at me with love.

"I just love love. Maybe that's my problem, after all. It's not the fact I'm like a virgin or that I'm ugly, it's more like I'm addicted to feeling loved. Being loved is great, but I ran out of sources I get. I don't want my parents to love me since they gross me out lately. They're unable to show me the love that I want. I want physical love. I want to be touched type of love. I want someone to hold me and cherish me and kiss me.

"Is that too much to ask for?

"Do I sound like an incel?

"Yeah, I kinda' do, but I'm not like blaming people for not liking me nor am I mad at others for getting laid. I just wish it were me. I don't want to take it from someone else, I want to be able to share it. It's so fuckin' frustrating. That's the worst part, honestly. When I see someone else kissing or holding someone, and I'm like, you know, happy for them and then there's this voice in the back of my mind going 'don't be happy for them'.

"It's like... shut the fuck up. Nobody asked. I didn't want to think about that. Nobody wants someone to say that. You're supposed to be happy for other people, and you're supposed to cheer them on when good things happen to them, but my first reflex is to be mad.

"I get angry when people are happy around me and I'm not. I guess I'm just so miserable that when I see happy people I want them to be unhappy, but I don't really. It's like a conflict between two parts of me that want different things: neither side will budge until one is starved out in this war of emotional attrition.

"Maybe I'm a bit of an incel, then. Getting angry about others being happy. It's just... it's been like that for a while now. I see someone happy and I hate it. I wanna' be happy! Seriously!

"But I see someone being happy and I want to squash that unless I get to be happy with them.

"So yeah, I think there's something wrong with me."