Blastinus read the posting style of Uriel Hunter.
God grant me wisdom to discern the
Method of this weirdo's madness
He said.
Spoiler!
Uriel is a modern day inquisitor/wrestler
And by all accounts a complete unbound psycho.
Look at this crap!
Well, that just makes too much sense!
Uriel arrives on the island and stalks a girl who isn't there.
Because she left that location already, but his handler
didn't know that.
So oops she's a hallucination instead.
Great first scene.
At the Lighthouse he finds Jacob Starr who's a little man
But wait, Slayer says, he's 6'1", So in the next post he's a giant.
Wishing to rid the island of sin and vice
Uriel delivers this bomb of truth:
I think this says more about Jacob than Uriel.
They meet Garrett who's got a crossbow
And Uriel is like:
Somehow Uriel falls into another thread while
running across the length of a single room.
He wakes up in the next scene and Slayer just says
Let's pretend that you got knocked out by the crossbow.
And kiri666yama is like yeah sure.
But wait, a group of kids are right outside
And Uriel says let's burn the lighthouse down.
But what if we can't find the materials for molotovs before they come in?
wrote:
I hope you never ran out of milk in your house.
But hooray, they find wine bottles and rags and gasoline.
And before you know it, the molotovs
They be flying.
One explodes in Jacob's face, so he amscrays
And everyone else just starts talking about how burned they are.
So Uriel leaves somehow, and he goes to the river,
Where Garrett is being touched by another boy on
Gasp
His shoulder!
Unable to bear the homoerotic nature of such an act, Uriel flees.
But he's apparently okay with jumping into Jacob's arms in the next scene.
Is this an intentional hypocrisy?
Was his handler not considering the implications?
Seriously, Jacob starts stabbing Anya Vendvmagli
And he's stabbing and stabbing her.
And there's Uriel, still in the bush.
Good job, witch hunter. You are truly an asset.
Blastinus said sarcastically.
Returning to the river to interrupt Garrett's sexy times,
They oversell the ensuing fight scene to the max.
Garrett's buddy Edward throws a burning bag at them and flees,
But they're doing combat rolls like it's D-Day or whatever.
Next thread, Jacob and Uriel and Adam Dodd and Hawley Faust are in a gunfight.
And the molotovs
They be flying.
He made like a dozen of these. How can he still have more?
Well okay, he just throws two in this scene.
And Adam has the great idea to shoot one in midair.
Which creates a burning wall between the two groups instead of splashing Adam with burning liquid.
I guess realism must give way to stunning visuals.
But not to worry, Uriel has a plan:
You'll be serving yourselves to them extra crispy!
But apparently this actually burned him in places.
And Adam and Hawley fled before they could get there.
So great move, jackass!
Resting for a moment, Uriel realizes that he's been useless so far.
And he has, this is true. Not a single person dead.
He's more or less Jacob's glorified cheerleader.
He's been on the line waiting for God to pick up for hours
But the reception has been terrible.
Much like the character himself.
At this point, Slayer gets annoyed by kiri666yama's lack of quotation marks.
But don't worry, they understand, and they've got it covered:
But wait, he stops doing it in the very next post.
So what was the point?
Next thread, after another failed murder attempt,
Jacob and Uriel have a serious talk.
Uriel thinks they should find other psychos
I mean, uh, brothers
To help them on their quest.
That Jacob can not only decode this wackiness but also reason with him
Suggests that he might be one of the most patient people alive.
Anyway, they decide to keep murdering.
Who do they find but Heather Pendergrast.
And the flashbangs
They be flying.
Showing incredible recovery, Uriel blindly vaults a desk,
And even more incredible, he actually manages to find Heather.
Pinned underneath him when the desk collapses,
Heather feeds him a flashbang, and
Well, let's just say his jawbone doesn't appreciate it.
Jacob, not to be outdone, shoots blindly,
And unintentionally, Uriel finally scores his brother a kill.
Suffer not a witch hunter to live.
And by all accounts a complete unbound psycho.
Look at this crap!
If Barry Coleson High is where all the crazies are sentOne day, Uriel saw a kid preaching the words of his arch-enemy, and something inside Uriel snapped. He pushed the boy against a nearby pole and bound his arms around it with a belt. A lighter and some gasoline turned the demon into a screaming ball of fire. Uriel's teachers knew this couldn't go on any longer, but instead of sending him to prison, they let him go to Barry Coleson High.
Well, that just makes too much sense!
Uriel arrives on the island and stalks a girl who isn't there.
Because she left that location already, but his handler
didn't know that.
So oops she's a hallucination instead.
Great first scene.
At the Lighthouse he finds Jacob Starr who's a little man
But wait, Slayer says, he's 6'1", So in the next post he's a giant.
Wishing to rid the island of sin and vice
Uriel delivers this bomb of truth:
Jacob is a-okay with this.you"re right.
but we have more important things to talk about.
i suppose that even you can sense the demons that hold this island in their grip.
former classmates, possesed by the deciples of satan.
and it is my task to cleanse this island, and return it to it's former glory.
but i will need help on this holy quest.
i must say that you don't look as faithfull as you should,
but i'm sure that u will be a huge help.
so, my friend, will you join me ?
I think this says more about Jacob than Uriel.
They meet Garrett who's got a crossbow
And Uriel is like:
I kid you not.Brother, i shall help you with this infidel !
with these words - and a pipe wrench -uriel stormed towards
garett, ready to send the demon back to hell.
(Continued in: Lighthouse Ambush)
Somehow Uriel falls into another thread while
running across the length of a single room.
He wakes up in the next scene and Slayer just says
Let's pretend that you got knocked out by the crossbow.
And kiri666yama is like yeah sure.
But wait, a group of kids are right outside
And Uriel says let's burn the lighthouse down.
But what if we can't find the materials for molotovs before they come in?
wrote:
Man, if that's all it takes to make you doubt your faith,for the first time in his life, uriel started to loose his faith.
I hope you never ran out of milk in your house.
But hooray, they find wine bottles and rags and gasoline.
And before you know it, the molotovs
They be flying.
One explodes in Jacob's face, so he amscrays
And everyone else just starts talking about how burned they are.
So Uriel leaves somehow, and he goes to the river,
Where Garrett is being touched by another boy on
Gasp
His shoulder!
Unable to bear the homoerotic nature of such an act, Uriel flees.
But he's apparently okay with jumping into Jacob's arms in the next scene.
Is this an intentional hypocrisy?
Was his handler not considering the implications?
He's so ready that he doesn't do anything.A gun carrying girl sat in front of him.
Luckily for him, she didn't seem to notice him.
Now uriel realized that Jacob was looking at the same person.
Ready when you are Jacob, uriel thought.
Seriously, Jacob starts stabbing Anya Vendvmagli
And he's stabbing and stabbing her.
And there's Uriel, still in the bush.
Good job, witch hunter. You are truly an asset.
Blastinus said sarcastically.
Returning to the river to interrupt Garrett's sexy times,
They oversell the ensuing fight scene to the max.
Garrett's buddy Edward throws a burning bag at them and flees,
But they're doing combat rolls like it's D-Day or whatever.
Next thread, Jacob and Uriel and Adam Dodd and Hawley Faust are in a gunfight.
And the molotovs
They be flying.
He made like a dozen of these. How can he still have more?
Well okay, he just throws two in this scene.
And Adam has the great idea to shoot one in midair.
Which creates a burning wall between the two groups instead of splashing Adam with burning liquid.
I guess realism must give way to stunning visuals.
But not to worry, Uriel has a plan:
There is a WALL. OF. FIRE!Uriel screamed in pure frustration .
Smoke filled the no mansland between the two groups, making it almost impossible to see.
They will not escape us again !
Brother ! Let us use this Chaos and attack the enemy while they are disorganised .
Now is the time to engage them in close combat. What do you say, my friend ?
You'll be serving yourselves to them extra crispy!
See the aforementioned point about realism vs. visuals.Suffer not the heretics to live !!!
The witchhunter ran trough the see of flames, raised his wrench pipe and smashed it towards one of the figures. Hoping it would deal some serious damage to the boys skull.
But apparently this actually burned him in places.
And Adam and Hawley fled before they could get there.
So great move, jackass!
Resting for a moment, Uriel realizes that he's been useless so far.
And he has, this is true. Not a single person dead.
He's more or less Jacob's glorified cheerleader.
He's been on the line waiting for God to pick up for hours
But the reception has been terrible.
Much like the character himself.
At this point, Slayer gets annoyed by kiri666yama's lack of quotation marks.
But don't worry, they understand, and they've got it covered:
Blastinus: See? This is so much better.uriel: finding these weapons isn't that hard.
uriel: we just have to follow the gunshots.
uriel: But as we saw an hour ago, most of these
gun wielding foes hunt in group.
But wait, he stops doing it in the very next post.
So what was the point?
Next thread, after another failed murder attempt,
Jacob and Uriel have a serious talk.
Uriel thinks they should find other psychos
I mean, uh, brothers
To help them on their quest.
That Jacob can not only decode this wackiness but also reason with him
Suggests that he might be one of the most patient people alive.
Anyway, they decide to keep murdering.
Who do they find but Heather Pendergrast.
And the flashbangs
They be flying.
Showing incredible recovery, Uriel blindly vaults a desk,
And even more incredible, he actually manages to find Heather.
Pinned underneath him when the desk collapses,
Heather feeds him a flashbang, and
Well, let's just say his jawbone doesn't appreciate it.
Jacob, not to be outdone, shoots blindly,
And unintentionally, Uriel finally scores his brother a kill.
Suffer not a witch hunter to live.
Right, that was a thing. So what did I actually think of Uriel? Well, he was ridiculous, over-the-top, and yet another strange V1 gimmick. But the way he played his act to the hilt is almost charming. Like, kiri666yama had an idea in mind when they wrote this guy, and Uriel never deviated from it. Was it silly? Oh, darn right it was, but it was the kind of silly that's incredible and fun to read. I would recommend that everyone read through the saga of Uriel the Witch Hunter, just because it's the best kind of stupid and nobody should miss out.