Susan Boyle Dreams

[Laurels]

Noah rested his chin on his fist and watched the video playing on his computer screen. He watched closely, judging every slight movement and pause in the monologue. This was one of the most important videos he ever made. It was the first audition tape he'd ever made; an online submission for Season 10 of America's Got Talent. He had just finished recording his comedy set in one take, and was now reviewing the video on his computer.

Applying for America's Got Talent was a random idea that came to Noah with almost no provocation. He saw a notice on an online forum that they were accepting online auditions. He looked up the rules for submitting an audition tape, and figured it was worth a shot. $1 million and a Vegas show were a really good motive, but it was also good for exposure and more opportunities as a comedian.

All Noah had to do was make a 2-3 minute long video and submit it through the show's website. If it was accepted, he'd be invited to a live audition before the judges. If not, then he could just twiddle his thumbs for a few months until he could apply again. For now, Noah just had to stand out among the thousands of wannabe comedians who would apply for the series.

With that, he pressed "replay" on the video, and watched his monologue again.

"Hello, America's Got Talent," Noah began. "My name is Noah Whitley, I'm 17, and I'm from Kingman, Arizona. I'll be doing some comedy for you today, and I hope you like it."

For this video, Noah decides to eschew most of the jokes he had used for his web series and his normal stand-up routines. It's not that he didn't think they were funny; he just thought it'd be better to come up with material specific for this video. He could resurrect some of his other jokes for when he was standing before Howard Stern, Howie Mandel, Mel B, and Heidi Klum.

What mattered to Noah was keeping the style of humor the same. That meant dumping on his town and life, with some hilarious jokes about celebrities and pop culture mixed in. Fortunately, this series gave him five celebs to target, including host Nick Cannon.

"So I'm from a small town in the Arizona desert," Noah began. "It's not a very pretty place. Where I'm from, you're only considered attractive if your girlfriend, Crystal Meth, left you with half of your teeth. It's hard to get along here when you're a gay teenager with dreams of stardom. Cause you look around, and you see only despair here. You see junkies, drunkies, streetwalkers, Republicans- basically, you see where Howard Stern finds half of the guests for his radio show.

"I do hope to get on the show because it's a chance for me to see some attractive people. I mean, Nick's cute, and he just got divorced so he's got money. Hey, I don't mind going 'wild n' out' if it means I can see Nick's canon, if you know what I mean.

"Now, there is Howie, too. You're thinking I'm gonna flirt with him too. You'd probably think I'd say something like 'oh yeah, I want to rub my hands all over his shiny bald head.' Sorry, but I already rubbed a bald head this morning when I woke up, so I'm good on that.

"But yeah, there isn't much for me in this town. Sure, my family is here, but there's no art. There's no culture. The only art and culture I get is when my granddad steals cable so we can get free HBO. I do love HBO. My favorite show on that channel? Game of Thrones. My favorite character is the queen, Cersei Lannister. I adore her. She's got that gorgeous blonde hair, those killer cheekbones, and it's so entertaining to watch her cut people down. It's basically like watching Heidi judge on Project Runway.  

"Am I forgetting someone? Oh, right, Mel B. I know things haven't been easy for Mel since the Spice Girls broke up all those years ago, but I can see how she might treat the judging panel like a second Spice Girls, if we changed the names around. Howie would be Baby Spice because, well, look at him. Howard would be the new Scary Spice because, well, look at him. Heidi could be the new Ginger Spice because she's the one who could look fabulous walking away from the group. Nick would be Sporty Spice, because he's just sort of there and we need a fifth member. And that leaves Mel to be the new Posh Spice, because she's very pretty, and because you could very easily forget she was ever a singer.

"Thank you, goodnight!"

Noah remained silent as the video finished. It fit within the required time limit, so he didn't need to worry about adding jokes. Noah did start to wonder if any of his jokes would come off as too mean or too esoteric. But then, he shrugged, and saved the video. He figured he could worry about that sort of thing if he got on the show. This was just a preliminary audition, and he could bide his time.

A few months later, the contestants approved to go on the show would receive emails informing them of their passing to the live auditions. Noah was not one of them. Although he wasn't too upset, Noah did have to wonder which joke cost him the chance to be on the show this year.