STAGE ONE:
ANGER
_________
Truth is, he’s spiraling. He’s not doing well. He’s never done well.
There was a time where he tried, really.
Nobody he cares about ever fucking listens.
He’s overreacting, he knew. He’s always overreacted. If someone tells him he’s a girl it makes him feel even less like a girl, to the point where he felt like a boy like he did now- how could he explain that? How could he justify it?
And maybe he should have a support system, but he’s smart enough to know that half of the people he knew are going to abandon him the moment he said anything that was out of the norm. And it’ll all collapse- this carefully balanced life he’s rebuilt for himself, where nothing was out of place except for himself.
That’s how it’ll always be. If he actually, like, joins the fuckign GSA or something like that some of his friends would probably lynch him. Everyone here seemed so free to express themselves- bright haired, loud voiced, and he desperately wanted to be a part of that. But he’ll just be the kid who exists to everyone but only a little bit, who wouldn’t touch beer at parties and made these stupid jokes, god, they must all hate him. They do, don’t they?
They all hate him, and they’ll look for any excuse to tell him that, finally, for-reals this time and not the silly vitriolic best buddy teasing that he never said made him so uncomfortable.
His name is Lorenzo and he wasn’t a girl and he wasn’t pieced together the way that everybody else was and they all hate him for it they all hate what he stood for and hate what he is and they hate everybody just like him, and he’ll have to go to prom with his mom’s old dress and what now? What’s going to happen after that? He barely has a future. He’s checking his school’s website at 3 am. He’s practiced his third little noose with that little ball of yarn that Jackson always used for his little art project. Lorenzo’s so proud of him. He hopes he’ll take the news well. He hopes he’ll never have the guts to confront these dark thoughts. He hopes it’ll all be alright. He hopes he won’t have to do something bullshit and dramatic like slitting his throat in the school bathroom or whatever people did in movies.
He wanted to be alive enough to appreciate being alive.
…
That’s never gonna happen, isn’t it?
…
The person that is sometimes but not always known as Lorenzo or Ren or whatever checked off personal finance as a preferred elective.
College apps are going to kill him. Kill them. It doesn’t matter. What was important was that they honestly hate the system right now.
For what they want to do to them.
To everyone just like them.
My structure's compromised / But you still batter at all my fault lines (I'm safe I'm whole / I've got it under control)
Get out of my head get out of my head
STAGE TWO:
JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT
JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
STAGE THREE:
GIVE UP.
In the mirror there was a naked girl staring balefully at him.
GIVE UP.
In the mirror there was a naked girl staring balefully at him.
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
STAGE 4:
REPEAT
''IMO I thought it wasn’t about just the prose as much as it’s also about the male and female experience? Or I wasn’t there for that part of the convo.
But, like, regarding prose… Idk what that exactly is but some kids grew up w/ really gendered language/expectations and that might have a bit of an effect on prose? Growing up I was taught that contractions, cursing, and “informal” language is more masculine and that's still something I need to shake off. And I guess a lot of times prose is integrated into a character’s personality, and gender roles affect personality to a certain degree.
And speaking of gender in writing! From snippets of what I participated in, I sort of had a thought of, like… about portraying characters in a way that is “inaccurate” to their gender or not having a certain consideration to their gender while writing. Like, for instance, by making female characters that lack feminine traits in a way that’s beyond being a tomboy, you know? And not “feminine traits” like makeup, feminine traits like being scared of men while walking at night and being affected by gender roles in a toxic way. Toxic femininity and toxic masculinity and gender roles is woven so clearly into our lives it's hard to not include it. As a girl, sometimes when ppl write girls, it’s like, I can’t really get the *female experience* in it, in a way? I’m sorry idk how to put it but like you just can’t write a girl who walks alone at night with no worries and then not explain why. And also, like, I get if you want to write someone who challenges gender roles, and you don’t *have* to constantly remind us that oh, this kid is a girl or a boy or non-binary but there’s a point where you just *have* to acknowledge the difference between genders and the way society treats them and expects of them. Growing up being somewhat tomboyish, I was often told that my hobbies aren’t feminine enough, that I need to cross my legs and sit properly, to start wearing makeup, etc, and these things can weigh down on someone. And that’s not even to say about my personality.
Being female shaped my personality a lot, esp now that I think about it while writing this. My long-term goals for life do not include having a family, and my parents always neg me about it. For a long time I thought I was special for not being like the *other* girls because society encourages women to compete against and compare themselves to each other. Maybe I’m just too conscious about this sort of stuff, and am overthinking it, but women written by people who don’t know what it’s like to grow up as a girl sometimes just… doesn’t mirror my experience. Every time I sit with my legs wide open, I still think about my parents telling me to be a proper lady. Every time I change in the mornings, I’m still scared that my clothes would be *too* tight, *too* short, *too* easy for others to sexualize.
I’m not even going to get to race unless you want me to type a huge essay on chinese-american culture and how it left me mentally fucked up.''
Last modified: July 6, 2018
REPEAT
''IMO I thought it wasn’t about just the prose as much as it’s also about the male and female experience? Or I wasn’t there for that part of the convo.
But, like, regarding prose… Idk what that exactly is but some kids grew up w/ really gendered language/expectations and that might have a bit of an effect on prose? Growing up I was taught that contractions, cursing, and “informal” language is more masculine and that's still something I need to shake off. And I guess a lot of times prose is integrated into a character’s personality, and gender roles affect personality to a certain degree.
And speaking of gender in writing! From snippets of what I participated in, I sort of had a thought of, like… about portraying characters in a way that is “inaccurate” to their gender or not having a certain consideration to their gender while writing. Like, for instance, by making female characters that lack feminine traits in a way that’s beyond being a tomboy, you know? And not “feminine traits” like makeup, feminine traits like being scared of men while walking at night and being affected by gender roles in a toxic way. Toxic femininity and toxic masculinity and gender roles is woven so clearly into our lives it's hard to not include it. As a girl, sometimes when ppl write girls, it’s like, I can’t really get the *female experience* in it, in a way? I’m sorry idk how to put it but like you just can’t write a girl who walks alone at night with no worries and then not explain why. And also, like, I get if you want to write someone who challenges gender roles, and you don’t *have* to constantly remind us that oh, this kid is a girl or a boy or non-binary but there’s a point where you just *have* to acknowledge the difference between genders and the way society treats them and expects of them. Growing up being somewhat tomboyish, I was often told that my hobbies aren’t feminine enough, that I need to cross my legs and sit properly, to start wearing makeup, etc, and these things can weigh down on someone. And that’s not even to say about my personality.
Being female shaped my personality a lot, esp now that I think about it while writing this. My long-term goals for life do not include having a family, and my parents always neg me about it. For a long time I thought I was special for not being like the *other* girls because society encourages women to compete against and compare themselves to each other. Maybe I’m just too conscious about this sort of stuff, and am overthinking it, but women written by people who don’t know what it’s like to grow up as a girl sometimes just… doesn’t mirror my experience. Every time I sit with my legs wide open, I still think about my parents telling me to be a proper lady. Every time I change in the mornings, I’m still scared that my clothes would be *too* tight, *too* short, *too* easy for others to sexualize.
I’m not even going to get to race unless you want me to type a huge essay on chinese-american culture and how it left me mentally fucked up.''
Last modified: July 6, 2018
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth