Marceline laughed. Teresa giggled. They all had that moment, laughing together. Juliette smiled and nodded at what Marceline said.
"I like helping people too," she volunteered. "Pranking I have less experience with. I might have to give it a try someday."
This was good. She'd thought she'd caught something else on Marceline's face, in those first few moments after the unexpected cannonball, but it had passed. Juliette's own eyes had been wet, the chlorinated water stinging them just a little, blurring her sight until she could only be mostly sure, and besides, there was nothing to do with the information but file it away. The moment passed.
Order coalesced. They were all in the pool, and the day's activities were starting in earnest. Teresa was the first to take off, kicking away from the wall and propelling herself towards the center of the pool. Juliette took a breath, rubbed at her eyes a little more to clear the last traces of makeup, tried to decide how to start. She was in the pool, so there was no reason to procrastinate further; it would probably be obvious to Coach Skinner, and the activity might well work some warmth back into Juliette's extremities. She looked at her classmates in their lanes, ran her toes over the tile, felt how the smoothness contrasted the rough grout. She'd start with the breaststroke today.
Another breath, this one deep, pulling in the oxygen she'd need, finding center and setting a pace. Juliette braced herself against the wall, then kicked off. She swept her arms in wide strokes, felt the pull of fingers through water, the resistance converting to momentum. She opened her eyes each time her head bobbed above the surface for a breath, making sure to keep track of her surroundings and the classmates around her. It wouldn't do to collide with anyone.
Her technique was not good. She was sure Coach Skinner would have ample feedback about the timing of her kicks, the pattern of her breathing, the straightness of her back. For now, though, she could pretend this was an activity she could get lost in.
Apooling Behavior
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Grand Moff Hissa
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I bid you all dark greetings!
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VoltTurtle
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"Atta girl," Marceline muttered to herself.
Kicking off from the wall and beginning the normal pool activities was easy for her. She tried to keep herself generally in shape, if only so she could be good eye candy for her girlfriend, so basic exercises came naturally to her when she was asked to perform them.
The push and pull of the water around her, the loud splashing of arms and limbs leaving an reentering the pool, the well timed breaths in and out as she moved, it was all relaxing to her. Swimming back and forth like this, time always seemed to just fly by...
Kicking off from the wall and beginning the normal pool activities was easy for her. She tried to keep herself generally in shape, if only so she could be good eye candy for her girlfriend, so basic exercises came naturally to her when she was asked to perform them.
The push and pull of the water around her, the loud splashing of arms and limbs leaving an reentering the pool, the well timed breaths in and out as she moved, it was all relaxing to her. Swimming back and forth like this, time always seemed to just fly by...
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Yugikun
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They went out; girl one in front, girls two and three followin' her. Odds were that they'd like, have to do a bunch of exercises and shit that'd apparently teach all the people who knew how to swim how to swim, but there was still a lil' time before that. Still a little spot in-between now and then when this girl right here could mess around a little. Hang with people. Normally that was with, like, the people who tended to give her a good time, but hey, it was best to go around. Hang with the people this girl didn't tend ta hang with. Who knew? Maybe there'd be like, someone who'd give her a time better than anyone else could.
The dollahs said that Miss Starling (Miss Starlin', she meant) and Marcy weren't gonna be those type'a people, given what'd happened already, but y'know, best not to judge too early. Early bird got the- wait no that wasn't right.
Uh
Whatever.
She reached the centre of the pool, where all the other peeps were congregatin'. She turned to the other two as they stopped. Looked like they were talkin' up a storm earlier, so, like, she'd let them do their rain dance first. Jump in when the rain come pourin' down.
Hopefully that'd be sooner than later.
Hopefully this little precious bit of time before the class started wouldn't go to waste.
The dollahs said that Miss Starling (Miss Starlin', she meant) and Marcy weren't gonna be those type'a people, given what'd happened already, but y'know, best not to judge too early. Early bird got the- wait no that wasn't right.
Uh
Whatever.
She reached the centre of the pool, where all the other peeps were congregatin'. She turned to the other two as they stopped. Looked like they were talkin' up a storm earlier, so, like, she'd let them do their rain dance first. Jump in when the rain come pourin' down.
Hopefully that'd be sooner than later.
Hopefully this little precious bit of time before the class started wouldn't go to waste.
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Grand Moff Hissa
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Juliette swam. She's wasn't fast or clean in her execution, but she was participating, and she thought she was coming across more enthusiastic than she usually feigned being. She did a circuit, even though they hadn't officially begun activities yet, and she let herself feel okay with the chlorine odor and the water in her nose and the discomfort of her swimsuit. The rest of the class faded a little; she was aware of each of them, and of Coach Skinner, but on a passive level. They weren't relevant at this moment, so she could set them aside.
Soon enough, though, Juliette was assembling with the others near the center of the pool, and they returned to her active awareness. This, actually, was one of the few things pool day had going for it: it took a while to get ready, and then a while longer to finish up, and a number of her classmates weren't punctual even on more minimal-prep days, so the time devoted to true class activities was lower than it might have been were they, for example, running the mile.
She kept an eye on Marceline and Teresa, just in case one or both had any further surprises brewing. By now, Juliette had found her groove, her mentality, and she thought it'd be fairly smooth sailing until the end of the period regardless of what happened. She still liked getting a heads-up about incoming chaos, though.
Soon enough, though, Juliette was assembling with the others near the center of the pool, and they returned to her active awareness. This, actually, was one of the few things pool day had going for it: it took a while to get ready, and then a while longer to finish up, and a number of her classmates weren't punctual even on more minimal-prep days, so the time devoted to true class activities was lower than it might have been were they, for example, running the mile.
She kept an eye on Marceline and Teresa, just in case one or both had any further surprises brewing. By now, Juliette had found her groove, her mentality, and she thought it'd be fairly smooth sailing until the end of the period regardless of what happened. She still liked getting a heads-up about incoming chaos, though.
I bid you all dark greetings!
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VoltTurtle
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Marceline turned to float on her back as the three of them approached the center of the pool, smirking as her momentum slowly carried her into the group.
The water lapped gently at her sides as she reached one of her arms out to steer herself, moving herself steadily closer to Juliette. "Julieeee Cooooooly," she enunciated, as she turned her head just enough to look at Juliette. "You know, you seemed to look a lot more comfortable in the water. Did my advice help?"
She smiled, only for some of the pool water to enter the edges of her mouth as she did so. Marceline violently righted herself, before loudly sputtering and spitting out the pool water. Breathing heavily as she maintained her buoyancy on the surface of the water, she turned back to Juliette. "Don't... get it in your mouth... people always pee in the pools..."
The water lapped gently at her sides as she reached one of her arms out to steer herself, moving herself steadily closer to Juliette. "Julieeee Cooooooly," she enunciated, as she turned her head just enough to look at Juliette. "You know, you seemed to look a lot more comfortable in the water. Did my advice help?"
She smiled, only for some of the pool water to enter the edges of her mouth as she did so. Marceline violently righted herself, before loudly sputtering and spitting out the pool water. Breathing heavily as she maintained her buoyancy on the surface of the water, she turned back to Juliette. "Don't... get it in your mouth... people always pee in the pools..."
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Yugikun
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Aaaaaaaaand the time was already bein' wasted. Time it took to go from back there to here was filled with nothin' but quiet pleasantries and really, quiet pleasantries wasn't really what this girl was into right now. Like, she could deal with them durin' the lunchtimes 'cause that was when that shit was saposed to happen but right here? When they were supposed to be doin' like, super fun and unique stuff in the pool? Yeah. Pleasantries were sorta really fuckin' borin', and while there was a chance this girl could spice the whole thing up that would take, like, effort to do. Better to just, like, find out someone here who was doin' fun shit in the water already than spend effort tryin' to start somethin' here. 'Specially given the fact that Miss Killjoy Starling right here would prolly try to shut her shit down just like she did earlier.
Like, she could try to spit water into her face and say that she hadn't brushed ha teeth earlier this mornin' but
Eh.
Forrest was prolly here, anyhow.
She didn't bother to say goodbye. When the two of them started talkin', this girl disappeared. Went under the water.
Right outta sight.
((continued in In Vino Veritas))
Like, she could try to spit water into her face and say that she hadn't brushed ha teeth earlier this mornin' but
Eh.
Forrest was prolly here, anyhow.
She didn't bother to say goodbye. When the two of them started talkin', this girl disappeared. Went under the water.
Right outta sight.
((continued in In Vino Veritas))
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Grand Moff Hissa
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"It did help," Juliette said. She smiled and managed to hold the smile through Marceline's explanation of the hazards of drinking pool water. Really, there were probably more realistic concerns than classmates peeing in the pool; Juliette knew that hygiene was a concept rather foreign to some of her peers, meaning that sweat and grime and dirt and all manner of other substances found on and in and about unwashed teenage bodies were likely present in liberal quantities in the water. That's why it was chlorinated, but that same chlorination also made it unappealing to get in her mouth. The chemical smell permeated her consciousness, and while it carried connotations of cleanliness, it was a more medical sort, a cousin to the formaldehyde reek of a partially-dissected frog.
Teresa took off, slipping away like she'd never been there, and Juliette did not watch her go but did keep an eye out in the direction she'd last seen the girl, just in case this was the precursor to something. It didn't seem to be, but things were often not what they at first appeared. Juliette knew that very well; after all, she did her best to perpetuate the illusion that she found the average day of gym class something other than constant unpleasantness, but the truth was she sometimes envied those who managed medical exemptions from the subject. She rarely allowed herself the indulgence of procrastination, so why had she put off these credits until now? She could've gotten them out of the way sophomore year and made school so much more pleasant.
"I try to keep my head above water," she added to Marceline. She'd meant it in a purely literal sense, and paused for a moment as the double meaning caught up with her, still half-distracted by Teresa's sudden and silent departure. That hadn't been a moment of unguarded candidness, but it risked being interpreted as such, so she quickly added, "To avoid the pee."
Teresa took off, slipping away like she'd never been there, and Juliette did not watch her go but did keep an eye out in the direction she'd last seen the girl, just in case this was the precursor to something. It didn't seem to be, but things were often not what they at first appeared. Juliette knew that very well; after all, she did her best to perpetuate the illusion that she found the average day of gym class something other than constant unpleasantness, but the truth was she sometimes envied those who managed medical exemptions from the subject. She rarely allowed herself the indulgence of procrastination, so why had she put off these credits until now? She could've gotten them out of the way sophomore year and made school so much more pleasant.
"I try to keep my head above water," she added to Marceline. She'd meant it in a purely literal sense, and paused for a moment as the double meaning caught up with her, still half-distracted by Teresa's sudden and silent departure. That hadn't been a moment of unguarded candidness, but it risked being interpreted as such, so she quickly added, "To avoid the pee."
I bid you all dark greetings!
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VoltTurtle
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Marceline barely noticed as Teresa slipped away from them, focused instead on Juliette and her more even temper.
She chuckled in response to Juliette's words. "You know, just for a second there, I thought you might have been opening up to me." She smirked, a glint of mischief in her eye. "Guess I'll have to work harder to get that out of you, huh?"
She held her smirk for scant moment, before continuing. "Regardless... I'm glad the advice helped. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and learn to find pleasure in the moment to moment of your day." She gestured into the air with her hand as she talked, water dripping off of it and back into the pool as the ends of her sopping wet hair clung to her upper arm, her movements gently tugging on them.
"Of course, I've uh..." Her voice took a downward turn, becoming more quiet. "I've never actually been great at that, despite how I seem..." She stared down into the crystalline waters of the pool for a moment, before shaking her head and turning her gaze back to Juliette, smiling anew. "But at least I have Dolly, for when life gets hard."
She chuckled in response to Juliette's words. "You know, just for a second there, I thought you might have been opening up to me." She smirked, a glint of mischief in her eye. "Guess I'll have to work harder to get that out of you, huh?"
She held her smirk for scant moment, before continuing. "Regardless... I'm glad the advice helped. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and learn to find pleasure in the moment to moment of your day." She gestured into the air with her hand as she talked, water dripping off of it and back into the pool as the ends of her sopping wet hair clung to her upper arm, her movements gently tugging on them.
"Of course, I've uh..." Her voice took a downward turn, becoming more quiet. "I've never actually been great at that, despite how I seem..." She stared down into the crystalline waters of the pool for a moment, before shaking her head and turning her gaze back to Juliette, smiling anew. "But at least I have Dolly, for when life gets hard."
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Grand Moff Hissa
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Juliette chuckled back, like Marceline was entirely joking about her not opening up. It was how these things worked, often; a shared joke or a chosen misunderstanding could defuse a subject and move conversation along. Of course, someone with Marceline's loose relationship with standard social conventions might force the issue, but that was something Juliette knew how to dance around too, especially when offered such a clean out.
In this case, though, the girl turned confessional herself. Now that did take Juliette by surprise. She thought that, in general, she was pretty good at parting the curtains when it came to her peers, figuring out what made them tick and often seeing little hurts that needed salving. It shouldn't have seemed odd that Marceline might be feigning her ever-energetic and upbeat nature, but the girl had been so persistent, so tenacious in her stance that Juliette had gone along without too much skepticism. There was a lesson to be learned there.
Apparently, Marceline's girlfriend helped her through the bad times.
"That's good," Juliette said. "It's important to have that, someone who can pick you back up and listen when nobody else will."
The conversation was almost enough to distract from the pool, the chlorine smell and chill water rippling against her skin, the other swimsuit-clad students splashing and paddling around, the fluorescent lights ahead reflecting like artificial moons on the surface. Juliette was staying very still, though, and that was letting the cold creep up on her, and also she was still just a bit on guard because Teresa was out there doing something.
In this case, though, the girl turned confessional herself. Now that did take Juliette by surprise. She thought that, in general, she was pretty good at parting the curtains when it came to her peers, figuring out what made them tick and often seeing little hurts that needed salving. It shouldn't have seemed odd that Marceline might be feigning her ever-energetic and upbeat nature, but the girl had been so persistent, so tenacious in her stance that Juliette had gone along without too much skepticism. There was a lesson to be learned there.
Apparently, Marceline's girlfriend helped her through the bad times.
"That's good," Juliette said. "It's important to have that, someone who can pick you back up and listen when nobody else will."
The conversation was almost enough to distract from the pool, the chlorine smell and chill water rippling against her skin, the other swimsuit-clad students splashing and paddling around, the fluorescent lights ahead reflecting like artificial moons on the surface. Juliette was staying very still, though, and that was letting the cold creep up on her, and also she was still just a bit on guard because Teresa was out there doing something.
I bid you all dark greetings!
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VoltTurtle
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"Yeah, you get it!"
Marceline's smile turned from a smirk to a full on goofy grin, now that she was thinking about Dolly again. Dolly really was the best that she could have ever hoped for. "I think everyone needs someone to be there for them, you know?" She vaguely gestured into the air, the cold water dripping off of her arm, droplets loudly plunking back into the pool at large. "I seem like I give no fucks nowadays, and I really don't, but that's all because I have Dolly."
Lifting her other arm out of the water, she reached them both out, gesturing widely, as if she was welcoming someone. "When you know you don't have to impress anyone, and you know that you'll always have someone there if anything comes up, everything else sorta... falls away."
She put her arms back down, loudly splashing as they returned under the wave ridden surface, the water once again tugging at the hair on her arms. "It lets me just let go and do whatever. For instance, sometimes I feel like helping someone out when I think they could probably do for caring a little less, like you!"
She winked at Juliette, letting out a brief, mischievous chuckle. "But you know, without her..." Her gaze and voice suddenly turned sinister, her smile fading and her posture becoming stiff. "I would be a barely contained bundle of sadness, anxiety, and rage just waiting to be let out at the first opportunity."
"But that'll never happen!" She said, her voice and expression returning to normal. "Sorry if I talk too much, by the way. Just realized I've been talking your ear off this whole time."
Marceline's smile turned from a smirk to a full on goofy grin, now that she was thinking about Dolly again. Dolly really was the best that she could have ever hoped for. "I think everyone needs someone to be there for them, you know?" She vaguely gestured into the air, the cold water dripping off of her arm, droplets loudly plunking back into the pool at large. "I seem like I give no fucks nowadays, and I really don't, but that's all because I have Dolly."
Lifting her other arm out of the water, she reached them both out, gesturing widely, as if she was welcoming someone. "When you know you don't have to impress anyone, and you know that you'll always have someone there if anything comes up, everything else sorta... falls away."
She put her arms back down, loudly splashing as they returned under the wave ridden surface, the water once again tugging at the hair on her arms. "It lets me just let go and do whatever. For instance, sometimes I feel like helping someone out when I think they could probably do for caring a little less, like you!"
She winked at Juliette, letting out a brief, mischievous chuckle. "But you know, without her..." Her gaze and voice suddenly turned sinister, her smile fading and her posture becoming stiff. "I would be a barely contained bundle of sadness, anxiety, and rage just waiting to be let out at the first opportunity."
"But that'll never happen!" She said, her voice and expression returning to normal. "Sorry if I talk too much, by the way. Just realized I've been talking your ear off this whole time."
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Grand Moff Hissa
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"It's fine," Juliette said. "You don't talk too much at all."
She was smiling still, feeling the water lap against her, rubbing her right big toe along a line of grout between the tiles. At the same time, she was thinking about what the other girl had said, and the chief thing that came to mind was concern. Maybe, once, there would've been jealousy there too, that Marceline could have such an uncomplicated view of the world, but now that naivete (or was it pleading desperation?) provoked something closer to pity. Without Dolly, Marceline thought she would have nothing, would be a tense handful of frayed wires, but that would never happen, would it? That was the lover's prayer, the promise of forever, all well and good until someone got too drunk and admitted to one little indiscretion and then the world was thrown into bits, nobody sure where they stood, the fear of being alone warring against the pain of being with someone who could inflict pain so thoughtlessly after claiming you were their everything.
"I like hearing about good relationships," Juliette continued. "The world needs more of those."
Marceline's demeanor had made it seem like even considering the loss of her girlfriend hurt her. That was crazy, Juliette thought, absolutely crazy, almost certain to blow up in that way that every high school relationship blew up, because if that was how Marceline felt it surely couldn't fall apart quietly. Would they go to the same college? Perhaps long-distance would be a blessing in its own way, allowing the flame to slowly sputter out instead of being suddenly snuffed. Did Dolly reciprocate the strength? Or was this all perhaps giving too much credence to hyperbole? Was Marceline, as she was wont to do, exaggerating?
Juliette did not think she had ever loved any of the boys she'd dated. She'd said she had, because they said it first or because it felt right in the moment, but she knew what love was like, she thought, knew what she felt towards her parents, all of them, towards Kylie. To feel similarly about someone you kissed, you chose, that was rare. What Marceline was describing, that sounded kind of like what Juliette had thought it was all about, a long long time ago, but now she didn't think it was quite right.
Her toe was starting to sting from being rubbed against the grout again and again, and she forced herself to stop. Her smile held, but she was, for the moment, at a loss for anything else to say.
She was smiling still, feeling the water lap against her, rubbing her right big toe along a line of grout between the tiles. At the same time, she was thinking about what the other girl had said, and the chief thing that came to mind was concern. Maybe, once, there would've been jealousy there too, that Marceline could have such an uncomplicated view of the world, but now that naivete (or was it pleading desperation?) provoked something closer to pity. Without Dolly, Marceline thought she would have nothing, would be a tense handful of frayed wires, but that would never happen, would it? That was the lover's prayer, the promise of forever, all well and good until someone got too drunk and admitted to one little indiscretion and then the world was thrown into bits, nobody sure where they stood, the fear of being alone warring against the pain of being with someone who could inflict pain so thoughtlessly after claiming you were their everything.
"I like hearing about good relationships," Juliette continued. "The world needs more of those."
Marceline's demeanor had made it seem like even considering the loss of her girlfriend hurt her. That was crazy, Juliette thought, absolutely crazy, almost certain to blow up in that way that every high school relationship blew up, because if that was how Marceline felt it surely couldn't fall apart quietly. Would they go to the same college? Perhaps long-distance would be a blessing in its own way, allowing the flame to slowly sputter out instead of being suddenly snuffed. Did Dolly reciprocate the strength? Or was this all perhaps giving too much credence to hyperbole? Was Marceline, as she was wont to do, exaggerating?
Juliette did not think she had ever loved any of the boys she'd dated. She'd said she had, because they said it first or because it felt right in the moment, but she knew what love was like, she thought, knew what she felt towards her parents, all of them, towards Kylie. To feel similarly about someone you kissed, you chose, that was rare. What Marceline was describing, that sounded kind of like what Juliette had thought it was all about, a long long time ago, but now she didn't think it was quite right.
Her toe was starting to sting from being rubbed against the grout again and again, and she forced herself to stop. Her smile held, but she was, for the moment, at a loss for anything else to say.
I bid you all dark greetings!
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VoltTurtle
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"Yep!" Marceline said, nodding. "Plus, Dolly feels the same way about me as I feel about her, not to brag or anything."
Marceline glanced around the room, the realization that the coach had been taking a particularly long break dawning on her. Shaking her head to clear it and splattering water off to the sides, Marceline started to speak again. "Anyway, have you ever been in a relationship yourself or..?"
Before Marceline could get an answer, the coach suddenly shouted from across the room for them to start doing laps. "Well, that took long enough," Marceline joked. "In case we lose each other while doing the laps, guess we can talk more later, after class, maybe?"
"See you later, Julie Cooly," Marceline said, with a wave and a wink, before diving under the water and swimming away, her mind clearing as she got more and more focused on her movements, and the sensation of the water passing over her.
After the class ended properly and everyone was back in their normal attire, Juliette and Marceline did end up talking a bit, eventually going their separate ways when the bell finally rang, signalling that it was time to go.
((Marceline Carlson continued elsewhere...))
Marceline glanced around the room, the realization that the coach had been taking a particularly long break dawning on her. Shaking her head to clear it and splattering water off to the sides, Marceline started to speak again. "Anyway, have you ever been in a relationship yourself or..?"
Before Marceline could get an answer, the coach suddenly shouted from across the room for them to start doing laps. "Well, that took long enough," Marceline joked. "In case we lose each other while doing the laps, guess we can talk more later, after class, maybe?"
"See you later, Julie Cooly," Marceline said, with a wave and a wink, before diving under the water and swimming away, her mind clearing as she got more and more focused on her movements, and the sensation of the water passing over her.
After the class ended properly and everyone was back in their normal attire, Juliette and Marceline did end up talking a bit, eventually going their separate ways when the bell finally rang, signalling that it was time to go.
((Marceline Carlson continued elsewhere...))
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Grand Moff Hissa
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"See you later."
Gym was gym. Swimming was swimming. Juliette did it, and she feigned first enthusiasm and then tolerance. She did her best not to dwell. She did her best to keep her spirits up. She occupied herself thinking how she would've answered Marceline's question had she not been spared the need. With the truth? Maybe, but what even was the truth?
Juliette had been in relationships, she supposed. She'd dated boys. She'd kissed a few. That was what you were supposed to do, right? She'd liked them, mostly, she guessed, but never that much. She'd never gotten close to what Marceline claimed to feel, and she counted herself lucky for that. Too much trust led almost inevitably to disappointment, betrayal, or both. She almost wanted it to happen to Marceline, just so that she'd understand, but at the same time didn't wish anything bad upon the girl, didn't want to see her hurt. It was confusing, a muddled tangled knot that was of course distracting from the real issue.
They talked some more after class, and that was good, another distraction. Juliette was still in control. She was cheerful, polite, forthcoming. Then the bell rang, and she was released, and she made her way to the bus stop. She hadn't driven today, because she wasn't giving Kylie a ride. Kylie was going to her mom's house and Juliette wasn't. That was good. Lucky.
One by one, all of her classmates who rode the same route got off at their usual destinations. Juliette smiled and waved where appropriate. She said her goodbyes. She explained that she had a little shopping to do, that was why she'd missed her stop. She hadn't even realized she'd missed her stop until it had sailed by, but the explanation came easily, and it was almost true, could become true easily. She had a few things she could do, some errands to run. She really did.
She got out one stop before the last, and picked her way down a rocky ridge to the edge of the river. There was scratchy grass and garbage all around, and she stepped on a Pepsi bottle and almost lost her footing. Her shoes weren't good for this. Some burs had embedded themselves in her left sock, and scratched at her skin with every movement, but she didn't stop to take them out. She didn't stop until she was at the edge of the water, toes of her shoes dipping into it, turning a darker black as the dampness soaked through and into her socks. Her hair was still slightly wet from gym class.
She thought maybe she knew something about rivers. You were never supposed to swim in them alone. The currents were powerful and often hard to predict. There were obstacles and hazards unseen in the depths. You'd get tangled in sunken weeds or wires or smack your head into a log or just get tossed and tumbled until you couldn't tell which way was up. It even happened to experienced swimmers.
Juliette pulled a handful of grass out of the dirt at her side and let a single strand of it fall into the water. It spun around and slipped away, its course fairly straight and quicker than she expected. Currents were hard to judge. The water looked relaxed. She threw the whole handful now, though a breeze blew half of it so it landed on her feet.
There was a scream building inside of her, a big angry scared hurting howl, but it didn't come out. It couldn't and it wouldn't. Somebody might hear. She wasn't so far from the college. There weren't too many people right near her, but she wasn't really alone. You couldn't be really, truly alone in the city. It was just impossible, no matter how hard you tried or what you wanted or needed. Her breathing was speeding up and she opened her mouth and let out a whisper of a shout, exhaled, "Aggghhhh," like she was actually screaming and tried to put the same truth and feeling behind that she would for a real scream, but it was pointless. It was hollow pretending, just like she was pretending that she was in control of herself, of anything. She couldn't even be herself without worrying what it would mean for her. She had to choose: be nobody however she wanted, or be somebody however she needed. And even then, even with her choice made, there were no guarantees. She could guess wrong, could fail so easily, and none of it would matter and she would've thrown away the happy banality of a vaguely normal life for nothing.
She slapped herself in the face, hard, and that took her by surprise and sent her stumbling to the side, and suddenly she was losing her footing on the gravel and damp earth, falling and she let herself fantasize she would fall into the river and be swept away and be nobody's problem anymore, not even her own, but instead she fell into the bank, like she knew she would, into a patch of weeds and brambles. She could've screamed, now, and gotten away with it probably, but the urge had died. She choked back dry sobs as she pulled herself free and retraced her steps up the bank, hesitantly now, haltingly.
She slumped at the bus stop and rolled up her sleeves, examining the marks the thorns had left on her skin.
"Juliette?"
"Hi, Mom."
"Are you okay? Where are you? School ended hours ago."
"I'm fine."
The bus trundled along. Juliette sat, alone, in the back. Her socks were straight and bur-free again. She'd pulled a sweater on to hide the little bloodstains speckling her blouse. She felt alright now. Everything was back to normal. Today had just been bad. She'd bottled up too much in gym class. There was a reason she didn't talk to people in gym class, and swim day was just terrible, and it had been too much stress. These things happened, and if she planned for them, she'd be fine. Today had just been a fluke.
The bus lurched as it hit a small bump, the unexpected shift swinging Juliette first left and then right. The bus driver swore under his breath, but Juliette could still hear it. There was nobody else on the bus.
"Where are you?"
"I'm on the bus, Mom." Juliette sighed. She normally prided herself on being above such rote teenage expressions of exasperation, but it was hard to communicate greater nuance over the phone. "I just got distracted talking with a friend after class, and I forgot to text you. I'm sorry."
"Okay. Okay, just, please remember next time. You worried me. I tried to call before, and—"
Juliette blinked. Had she missed a call?
"I had my phone on mute because I was in class," she said, not missing a beat. "Sorry. I'll be home soon. I'm..."
She looked out the window, seeing where she was for the first time in a while. She ran the distances in her head, but it was hard because she wasn't usually coming home from this direction.
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes, Mom," she said. "I'll see you then. I love you."
"I love you too. Bye."
"Bye."
Juliette ended the call, and leaned back into the padding of the bus seat. She was tempted to close her eyes, but that was just asking to miss her stop again, and there'd really be trouble if that happened, so she just stared into nothing instead.
((Juliette Sargent continued in In Vino Veritas))
Gym was gym. Swimming was swimming. Juliette did it, and she feigned first enthusiasm and then tolerance. She did her best not to dwell. She did her best to keep her spirits up. She occupied herself thinking how she would've answered Marceline's question had she not been spared the need. With the truth? Maybe, but what even was the truth?
Juliette had been in relationships, she supposed. She'd dated boys. She'd kissed a few. That was what you were supposed to do, right? She'd liked them, mostly, she guessed, but never that much. She'd never gotten close to what Marceline claimed to feel, and she counted herself lucky for that. Too much trust led almost inevitably to disappointment, betrayal, or both. She almost wanted it to happen to Marceline, just so that she'd understand, but at the same time didn't wish anything bad upon the girl, didn't want to see her hurt. It was confusing, a muddled tangled knot that was of course distracting from the real issue.
They talked some more after class, and that was good, another distraction. Juliette was still in control. She was cheerful, polite, forthcoming. Then the bell rang, and she was released, and she made her way to the bus stop. She hadn't driven today, because she wasn't giving Kylie a ride. Kylie was going to her mom's house and Juliette wasn't. That was good. Lucky.
One by one, all of her classmates who rode the same route got off at their usual destinations. Juliette smiled and waved where appropriate. She said her goodbyes. She explained that she had a little shopping to do, that was why she'd missed her stop. She hadn't even realized she'd missed her stop until it had sailed by, but the explanation came easily, and it was almost true, could become true easily. She had a few things she could do, some errands to run. She really did.
She got out one stop before the last, and picked her way down a rocky ridge to the edge of the river. There was scratchy grass and garbage all around, and she stepped on a Pepsi bottle and almost lost her footing. Her shoes weren't good for this. Some burs had embedded themselves in her left sock, and scratched at her skin with every movement, but she didn't stop to take them out. She didn't stop until she was at the edge of the water, toes of her shoes dipping into it, turning a darker black as the dampness soaked through and into her socks. Her hair was still slightly wet from gym class.
She thought maybe she knew something about rivers. You were never supposed to swim in them alone. The currents were powerful and often hard to predict. There were obstacles and hazards unseen in the depths. You'd get tangled in sunken weeds or wires or smack your head into a log or just get tossed and tumbled until you couldn't tell which way was up. It even happened to experienced swimmers.
Juliette pulled a handful of grass out of the dirt at her side and let a single strand of it fall into the water. It spun around and slipped away, its course fairly straight and quicker than she expected. Currents were hard to judge. The water looked relaxed. She threw the whole handful now, though a breeze blew half of it so it landed on her feet.
There was a scream building inside of her, a big angry scared hurting howl, but it didn't come out. It couldn't and it wouldn't. Somebody might hear. She wasn't so far from the college. There weren't too many people right near her, but she wasn't really alone. You couldn't be really, truly alone in the city. It was just impossible, no matter how hard you tried or what you wanted or needed. Her breathing was speeding up and she opened her mouth and let out a whisper of a shout, exhaled, "Aggghhhh," like she was actually screaming and tried to put the same truth and feeling behind that she would for a real scream, but it was pointless. It was hollow pretending, just like she was pretending that she was in control of herself, of anything. She couldn't even be herself without worrying what it would mean for her. She had to choose: be nobody however she wanted, or be somebody however she needed. And even then, even with her choice made, there were no guarantees. She could guess wrong, could fail so easily, and none of it would matter and she would've thrown away the happy banality of a vaguely normal life for nothing.
She slapped herself in the face, hard, and that took her by surprise and sent her stumbling to the side, and suddenly she was losing her footing on the gravel and damp earth, falling and she let herself fantasize she would fall into the river and be swept away and be nobody's problem anymore, not even her own, but instead she fell into the bank, like she knew she would, into a patch of weeds and brambles. She could've screamed, now, and gotten away with it probably, but the urge had died. She choked back dry sobs as she pulled herself free and retraced her steps up the bank, hesitantly now, haltingly.
She slumped at the bus stop and rolled up her sleeves, examining the marks the thorns had left on her skin.
"Juliette?"
"Hi, Mom."
"Are you okay? Where are you? School ended hours ago."
"I'm fine."
The bus trundled along. Juliette sat, alone, in the back. Her socks were straight and bur-free again. She'd pulled a sweater on to hide the little bloodstains speckling her blouse. She felt alright now. Everything was back to normal. Today had just been bad. She'd bottled up too much in gym class. There was a reason she didn't talk to people in gym class, and swim day was just terrible, and it had been too much stress. These things happened, and if she planned for them, she'd be fine. Today had just been a fluke.
The bus lurched as it hit a small bump, the unexpected shift swinging Juliette first left and then right. The bus driver swore under his breath, but Juliette could still hear it. There was nobody else on the bus.
"Where are you?"
"I'm on the bus, Mom." Juliette sighed. She normally prided herself on being above such rote teenage expressions of exasperation, but it was hard to communicate greater nuance over the phone. "I just got distracted talking with a friend after class, and I forgot to text you. I'm sorry."
"Okay. Okay, just, please remember next time. You worried me. I tried to call before, and—"
Juliette blinked. Had she missed a call?
"I had my phone on mute because I was in class," she said, not missing a beat. "Sorry. I'll be home soon. I'm..."
She looked out the window, seeing where she was for the first time in a while. She ran the distances in her head, but it was hard because she wasn't usually coming home from this direction.
"I'll be there in fifteen minutes, Mom," she said. "I'll see you then. I love you."
"I love you too. Bye."
"Bye."
Juliette ended the call, and leaned back into the padding of the bus seat. She was tempted to close her eyes, but that was just asking to miss her stop again, and there'd really be trouble if that happened, so she just stared into nothing instead.
((Juliette Sargent continued in In Vino Veritas))