Mortimer is casually sitting down at a table in a restaurant, while some waiters heckle the patrons.
"There isn't any real restaurants to note in the Excalibur hotel, besides Dick's Last Resort. When I grow up, you might expect to find me here. This is the only place in Vegas where the staff are encouraged to be complete assholes to their own customers and the charm of it works." Mortimer is given a paper hat with the words "I give handjobs!", which he wears. "Perfect as this is humane torture for the kids, since this is supposed to be a family-friendly hotel. Supposed, I will say."
Mortimer stands next to the entrance of another "family-friendly" place in the hotel, being the Australia's Thunder from Down Under.
"For all of your lonely soccer moms out there, you have your best option with tagging with some male strippers. Don't worry if the kids are questioning why you left them alone at the Fun Dungeon. They are busy using some joysticks, while you get to rub at some joysticks of your own. The Thunder from Down Under are rivals to Chippendale's, but they are your usual male stripper league. Why they are here at the Excalibur then any other hotel beats me, but they had to be somewhere. Probably a better choice than here."
Mortimer then appears at the Excalibur's most proud attraction, the Tournament of Kings. Backstage, he gets himself suited up in a black knight costume, while giving the rundown of the show.
"This is where the real magic is here! You thought they would just have a medieval theme here at the hotel and call it quits? Fuck no! You need to have some medieval action here! That's where the Tournament of Kings comes in. It was influenced by Medieval Times, which can be found in multiple places in the country. What the Tournament of Kings does is in the same vein as Medieval Times, but with the Vegas flair."
Mortimer goes over the standard menu that patrons eat while watching the show. Mortimer gets himself a lance and a sword while talking.
"Every people gets themselves a classical medieval meal. It consists of a drink, an apple tart, some potatoes, corn on the cob, and most importantly of all, a Cornish game hen!" Mortimer stabbed at a cooked Cornish hen to try to eat with his helmet. This theater show alone is the largest buyer in the city who buys all of these hens for people to eat. Compared to anyone else that's just a steakhouse in Las Vegas."
Mortimer gets himself up on a horse, which he tries to hang on to, since he struggles with the lance that he has.
"The horses here tend to kick up dust that might get into your kids' lungs. Not to mention that this show has pyrotechnics in an enclosed space, so you will be smoking in everything that spreads in particles. You wouldn't be focused on your health, since you will be enthralled with the action-WOAH!"
Mortimer tries to keep talking, while he tries to control his horse.
Fun fact: Mortimer never rode a horse before.
"The action of this show is like professional wrestling in a way! The performers have to act macho and like badasses, so that the audiences can give a shit on them! The problem is that in the show, it's likely that the forces of good is supposed to triumph over all evil! But what is evil when it's-
ARGGHHHH!"
Mortimer gets violently jousted off of his horse by another knight. The audiences cheers, where he lands onto the dirt ground, breaking several ribs and even spraining his leg. Mortimer tries to get up, only to get trampled by another horse.
Traveler's Guide to Las Vegas: Written by a Local Lunatic
Multi-shot displaced from any sense of time and space... (Content warnings found on top post)
Mortimer ends up in the middle of a Las Vegas hospital, where he gets the bill for his injuries.
"What!? What the fuck do you mean, I have to pay for this amount!?" Mortimer yells directly at the nurse at the front desk.
"I'm sorry, sir. Your claim was denied by your insurance company." the nurse explained.
"But my family use Kaiser!"
"Sir, it appears that someone has switched your health insurance provider to another. All future claims that you have are to be denied."
Mortimer started to see red...
"What!? What the fuck do you mean, I have to pay for this amount!?" Mortimer yells directly at the nurse at the front desk.
"I'm sorry, sir. Your claim was denied by your insurance company." the nurse explained.
"But my family use Kaiser!"
"Sir, it appears that someone has switched your health insurance provider to another. All future claims that you have are to be denied."
Mortimer started to see red...
Mortimer starts to whistle, while he gets himself "suited up". He is walking down a street, where he puts on a dark hoodie, following someone with a suit on.
"So where was I when I was trying to mention about how evil is triumphed over by the forces of good. But what is evil when you have those that are actually evil acting like they are the forces of good to the ignorant?" Mortimer said, having something hidden beneath his hoodie jacket.
"You see there are those in power who have the exploitive right to deny people. Companies like to now use AI to have it decide who doesn't get that money that is supposed to save their life, because money in this world is the same as power! Hell, that same AI system they use has a 90% error rate, so you're denied either way! Did I mention that the companies will act like you're stealing from them, when in fact that they are hoarding shit tons of money that could be used to help the Amazon Rainforest!?"
Mortimer appears completely unhinged, pulling out a firearm from his hoodie.
"And don't get me started on the fuckwits who are ready-made shrills to protect the multi-billion dollar companies from all criticism! They can be found everywhere! The bad actors come out of the woodwork to spin shit around to act like what's happening to people is meant to be a left vs right issue! They say that you shouldn't replace the culture war with a class war! They don't want you to know why you pay more in taxes than the billionaires you know!"
The man in the suit goes into an alley, while Mortimer continued to yell in his rant, going off-screen into the alley.
"They keep you distracted from the real problems in the world by giving you shit like the War on Christmas and the hysteria with trans people! Then when you do point it out, they will slander you and deride you as a centrist, making it sound like a bad thing! Then Twitter comes and doxxes you, before you end up in a suicide with a bullet hole in the back of the skull!"
The man in the suit is heard screaming, until several gunshots rang out.
Mortimer pops out of the alley, ditching the gun.
"And don't get me started on those corporate bailouts!"
Mortimer lays on his bed, while he watches the news of the death of some healthcare CEO who got shot back in December in New York. The police found the guy, to which people are trying to bail him out from his supposed "terrorism" charges.
Mortimer shares a glance to you.
"Admit it. You will do the same when you had the chance."
"So where was I when I was trying to mention about how evil is triumphed over by the forces of good. But what is evil when you have those that are actually evil acting like they are the forces of good to the ignorant?" Mortimer said, having something hidden beneath his hoodie jacket.
"You see there are those in power who have the exploitive right to deny people. Companies like to now use AI to have it decide who doesn't get that money that is supposed to save their life, because money in this world is the same as power! Hell, that same AI system they use has a 90% error rate, so you're denied either way! Did I mention that the companies will act like you're stealing from them, when in fact that they are hoarding shit tons of money that could be used to help the Amazon Rainforest!?"
Mortimer appears completely unhinged, pulling out a firearm from his hoodie.
"And don't get me started on the fuckwits who are ready-made shrills to protect the multi-billion dollar companies from all criticism! They can be found everywhere! The bad actors come out of the woodwork to spin shit around to act like what's happening to people is meant to be a left vs right issue! They say that you shouldn't replace the culture war with a class war! They don't want you to know why you pay more in taxes than the billionaires you know!"
The man in the suit goes into an alley, while Mortimer continued to yell in his rant, going off-screen into the alley.
"They keep you distracted from the real problems in the world by giving you shit like the War on Christmas and the hysteria with trans people! Then when you do point it out, they will slander you and deride you as a centrist, making it sound like a bad thing! Then Twitter comes and doxxes you, before you end up in a suicide with a bullet hole in the back of the skull!"
The man in the suit is heard screaming, until several gunshots rang out.
Mortimer pops out of the alley, ditching the gun.
"And don't get me started on those corporate bailouts!"
Mortimer lays on his bed, while he watches the news of the death of some healthcare CEO who got shot back in December in New York. The police found the guy, to which people are trying to bail him out from his supposed "terrorism" charges.
Mortimer shares a glance to you.
"Admit it. You will do the same when you had the chance."
Mortimer's 10 Hotels - Number 3 - The Hotel with the Shitty Rollercoaster
Mortimer appears inside of the New York-New York Hotel and Casino.
"Oh, New York-New York... You know how Vegas tries to do theming with their signature hotels and casinos, but here you get the New York-New York. Because bringing the East Coast to near the West Coast is what we need when preventing people from traveling to other places in the United States. The thing is, why not?
There's enough Western-themed and California-themed shit at the Strip. The New York-New York is given a pass, since it is committed to its theming from its tacky city skyline and its interior to resemble the streets of NYC. In terms of notable shows, Cirque du Soleil did dip their hands here with their most popular shows being Zumanity, which was an adult-themed sexually version of an usual Soleil show. Unfortunate, Zumanity would close in 2020, but Cirque du Soleil did help chip in by doing a replacement show called Mad Apple. There is also Terry Fator, who does comedy work and ventriloquism. He was the second winner of America's Got Talent and still performs at the New York-New York. In hindsight, you got a double-edged sword here in this hotel."
Mortimer appears in the Gallagher's Steakhouse, eating a prime rib dinner before he continues.
"The New York-New York also is important, because it has a copy of an actual steakhouse back at Manhattan, which is the Gallagher's Steakhouse. Just like any steakhouse in Vegas, they are absurdly expensive when trying to get a meal from a prime rib to a cowboy ribeye to even a filet mignon.
But you know how food can be in Strip."
Mortimer appears inside of the New York-New York Hotel and Casino.
"Oh, New York-New York... You know how Vegas tries to do theming with their signature hotels and casinos, but here you get the New York-New York. Because bringing the East Coast to near the West Coast is what we need when preventing people from traveling to other places in the United States. The thing is, why not?
There's enough Western-themed and California-themed shit at the Strip. The New York-New York is given a pass, since it is committed to its theming from its tacky city skyline and its interior to resemble the streets of NYC. In terms of notable shows, Cirque du Soleil did dip their hands here with their most popular shows being Zumanity, which was an adult-themed sexually version of an usual Soleil show. Unfortunate, Zumanity would close in 2020, but Cirque du Soleil did help chip in by doing a replacement show called Mad Apple. There is also Terry Fator, who does comedy work and ventriloquism. He was the second winner of America's Got Talent and still performs at the New York-New York. In hindsight, you got a double-edged sword here in this hotel."
Mortimer appears in the Gallagher's Steakhouse, eating a prime rib dinner before he continues.
"The New York-New York also is important, because it has a copy of an actual steakhouse back at Manhattan, which is the Gallagher's Steakhouse. Just like any steakhouse in Vegas, they are absurdly expensive when trying to get a meal from a prime rib to a cowboy ribeye to even a filet mignon.
But you know how food can be in Strip."
Mortimer appears outside of the New York-New York.
"Now, I could stop there in talking about the New York-New York and move on to the chocolate store, but there is a major pet peeve I have with the hotel. It's not that the rooms are average and generic, it's something else. It's that red hunk of metal that snakes around the building." Mortimer points to the roller coaster around the hotel.
"I'm talking about the Big Apple Coaster!"
Mortimer appears at the top of the lift hill to the side.
"The Big Apple Coaster has been under refurbishments a couple of years ago, but it still remains a rough experience for those who ride it. It's not the worst roller coaster or amusement ride in the world, but it's bound to end up on the lists either way. Here's the problem that I have with this fucking thing. If you want to ride this coaster, you need to play 25 bucks to do so! 25 bucks! If you don't mind feeling your body going sore and numb or are a masochist, you have to pay 10 dollars. Now, you do get a discount if you're a Nevada local, but here's the problem. You still play 18 dollars to go on the coaster! Sure, you can see this ride from your hotel room, but what's the point when you have to pay a ripoff amount to ride this coaster when you can gamble it away!?"
Mortimer cleared his throat, watching a coaster train go past him and down the drop, before he continued.
"There is still history with this coaster. You see, this was made by a Japanese roller coaster manufacturer called TOGO. Many coaster enthusiasts might know how that name rings a bell, since TOGO has a negative reputation in the States. From Japan, TOGO coasters are still well-received and praised. Unfortunately, their foreign efforts were... not good. This is the only TOGO made coaster in the States and the one that is still in operation, though before the refurbishments and new lighter restraints with the new trains, it was considered worst.
For funnies, I will give some random trivia in talking about what can be considered to be the worst rides, both defunct and possibly still up, but I have another pet peeve with rollercoasters..."
Mortimer went on another rant.
"You don't need fucking VR headsets when riding a rollercoaster! It's more of a gimmick than anything! Why? Why would I want to be watching something with a screen glued to my eyes when it's just a low-quality VR video, while I could be enjoying the view on the top of the coaster?! Also, what if there's a coaster so intense, it slips off my head? I don't want to get charged extra, but I was busy hanging on to the restraints than my head!"
"Now, I could stop there in talking about the New York-New York and move on to the chocolate store, but there is a major pet peeve I have with the hotel. It's not that the rooms are average and generic, it's something else. It's that red hunk of metal that snakes around the building." Mortimer points to the roller coaster around the hotel.
"I'm talking about the Big Apple Coaster!"
Mortimer appears at the top of the lift hill to the side.
"The Big Apple Coaster has been under refurbishments a couple of years ago, but it still remains a rough experience for those who ride it. It's not the worst roller coaster or amusement ride in the world, but it's bound to end up on the lists either way. Here's the problem that I have with this fucking thing. If you want to ride this coaster, you need to play 25 bucks to do so! 25 bucks! If you don't mind feeling your body going sore and numb or are a masochist, you have to pay 10 dollars. Now, you do get a discount if you're a Nevada local, but here's the problem. You still play 18 dollars to go on the coaster! Sure, you can see this ride from your hotel room, but what's the point when you have to pay a ripoff amount to ride this coaster when you can gamble it away!?"
Mortimer cleared his throat, watching a coaster train go past him and down the drop, before he continued.
"There is still history with this coaster. You see, this was made by a Japanese roller coaster manufacturer called TOGO. Many coaster enthusiasts might know how that name rings a bell, since TOGO has a negative reputation in the States. From Japan, TOGO coasters are still well-received and praised. Unfortunately, their foreign efforts were... not good. This is the only TOGO made coaster in the States and the one that is still in operation, though before the refurbishments and new lighter restraints with the new trains, it was considered worst.
For funnies, I will give some random trivia in talking about what can be considered to be the worst rides, both defunct and possibly still up, but I have another pet peeve with rollercoasters..."
Mortimer went on another rant.
"You don't need fucking VR headsets when riding a rollercoaster! It's more of a gimmick than anything! Why? Why would I want to be watching something with a screen glued to my eyes when it's just a low-quality VR video, while I could be enjoying the view on the top of the coaster?! Also, what if there's a coaster so intense, it slips off my head? I don't want to get charged extra, but I was busy hanging on to the restraints than my head!"
Fun OOC Fact: This compliant above stems from an experience by Mortimer's handler while he was in Hong Kong at Ocean Park, to which he tried VR on a coaster for the first time, only to be underwhelmed by the experience.
Mortimer appears inside of the Hershey's Chocolate World at the New York-New York.
"Let's take a breather and satisfy a sweet tooth. Here is a store you can enter, where you can get those favorite candy-themed merchandise. Including desserts, a whole section dedicated to Reese's Cups with t-shirts and toys, and even this."
Mortimer walks over to a replica of the Statue of Liberty made out of chocolate.
"There are also some Hershey's kisses in the store that look like sluts, but how can you deny the luxury of one of America's finest icons and symbol, being made out of chocolate?"
Mortimer's eyes started to dart side-to-side.
"Now, I can get Wade over here to do a little something, but I want to ask you for a favor..."
Mortimer leans forward to you.
"Do you like America-"
"STOP THEM!!!" A security guard yells at you and Mortimer, while you are stealing the chocolate Statue of Liberty. You're carrying the head of it, but Mortimer already told you to not crack her neck or rip her head off by accident.
"Come on! These assholes have fast segways!" Mortimer yells at you, while you try to run backwards with a heavy statue in tow.
"Let's take a breather and satisfy a sweet tooth. Here is a store you can enter, where you can get those favorite candy-themed merchandise. Including desserts, a whole section dedicated to Reese's Cups with t-shirts and toys, and even this."
Mortimer walks over to a replica of the Statue of Liberty made out of chocolate.
"There are also some Hershey's kisses in the store that look like sluts, but how can you deny the luxury of one of America's finest icons and symbol, being made out of chocolate?"
Mortimer's eyes started to dart side-to-side.
"Now, I can get Wade over here to do a little something, but I want to ask you for a favor..."
Mortimer leans forward to you.
"Do you like America-"
"STOP THEM!!!" A security guard yells at you and Mortimer, while you are stealing the chocolate Statue of Liberty. You're carrying the head of it, but Mortimer already told you to not crack her neck or rip her head off by accident.
"Come on! These assholes have fast segways!" Mortimer yells at you, while you try to run backwards with a heavy statue in tow.
You and Mortimer end up at some sketchy part of town, but Mortimer is not concerned, since he is feasting off of the Statue of Liberty's chocolate body. He was saving the head for himself. The statue was being dissolved in an old metal drum full of milk that was also stolen. Mixed in some heroin, but let's not worry about that...
"You should be proud that you are now a G-rated cannibal. You're eating liberty at its finest and needed form." Mortimer said, munching on a chocolate arm.
"Now where was I? Oh yes! Let's do a bonus round! Because my autistic hyperfixation is now on theme parks."
Bonus Round - The Worst in Amusements That Were Much Worst Than The Big Apple
Mortimer would monologue his thoughts on terrible rides, while eating the succulent chocolate flesh of Lady Liberty.
Mortimer had Defunctland and other sources to thank him for most of the information that was about to be said.
"First, I want to mention the Drachen Fire that was supposed to be infamous back in the day in Williamsburgh in Busch Gardens. It was made back in 1992 by Arrow Dynamics, who some may know were the ones who attempted to do the fishhook coaster at the Strat. They went defunct at 2002, but Arrow Dynamics was important back then, since they helped innovate rides with Disney. For Busch Gardens, the park wanted them to do another looping roller coaster, since Arrow had worked with Busch Gardens Williamsburgh in the past. Unfortunately, rather than use the traditional copy-and-paste elements, the park wanted them to use more modern designs. Arrow Dynamics for some reason, decided to use computer technology, which is seen by outdated by terms of Arrow's competitors in the amusement ride industry. What you get is a rough experience with some headbanging, to which riders had to be instructions to remove their earrings before riding. It even broke the vertebrae of Bill from Bill & Ted! Drachen Fire got demolished in 2002, around the same time as Arrow Dynamic went bust, and after no one wanted to buy the coaster from the park. There is also the rare chance that Busch Gardens also still has Drachen Fire t-shirts that they are also trying to get rid of, since they want to get of its awful past.
This next ride is one that was the byproduct of soulless powerpoint presentations, cut corners, and some bad public representation at time. I'm talking about the Submarine Quest from SeaWorld San Diego. Conceived as an interactive attraction with a gimmicky touchscreen game that your kids are supposed to play while the ride happens, for some reason, the ride mostly happens outside in the middle of broad daylight. This can be bad when you were expecting your submarine to go, oh I don't know, UNDERWATER! Submarine Quest was supposed to be the star attraction of Seaworld's new Ocean Explorer section, though they could've saved a whole bunch of money from not making the ride at all and just have a parade eel on a stage dance around. The ride was made in 2017, just two years after the Blackfish film came out that detailed Seaworld's mistreatment that was put in the media spotlight in 2015. Luckily, there is a better Submarine Quest available. At Legoland California with actually being underwater and having real fish. It doesn't help that Legoland competes with SeaWorld, since they are rivals with one another besides Disney.
This one ride goes back to our pals of TOGO and was probably the one that gave them the nail in the coffin for them, besides the Big Apple coaster. Which ride you may be wondering? In Knott's Berry Farm, there was the Windjammer Surf Riders. Oh yes! This was the ride that even pissed off Knott's Berry Farm themselves! Surf Riders was supposed to replace the Wacky Soap Box Racers ride (provided with some violently 90's footage to boot) that was beloved by many patrons, however it was dated. Wanting to do a more thrilling version to please and pay tribute to the original ride, they had TOGO commissioned to do the ride. Here's where everything went wrong. The ride was prone to breaking down, even in winds that went about 3 miles per hour! The coaster trains didn't even duel as they advertised, though barely on lucky occasions. And to top it all off, the ride itself was too dull with a jittery track and uncomfortable restraints. Can you even blame Knott's Berry Farm when they sued TOGO for making them look like idiots. No one missed the coaster when it was torn down in 2000, though it was replaced by the famous Xcelerator coaster in 2002. There was also another benefit from all of this. Knott's Berry Farm decided to reuse the same dartboard and do another surfing-themed coaster called the HangTime that opened in 2018, which is significantly better. Still, it's a surprise that some intervention needed to be done for TOGO in the States, seeing how an American company were the ones who did the refurbishments in their Big Apple coaster.
Now here's a familiar name. Green Lantern. Green Lantern is still around in the comic, but around the time of Green Lantern First Flight ride opening, the IP outside of the comics went from a four leaf clover to plucked one leaf one covered in dog shit. The cartoon got cancelled, the movie with Ryan Reynolds sucked ass (which is bad since DC were trying to compete with Marvel, due to the latter laying down the ground for their MCU), and of course the roller coaster of First Flight is a complete fucking disaster. The ride did originally use to be good when it opened, but after some breakdowns, it became a painful nightmare to which it became one of Six Flags most hated coasters. Not only was extra weight added that prevented the coaster cars from free-spinning, but the new restraints left a lot of people battered and nausea as hell. Made worse that that it was a cock-and-ball torture ride for the fellow men who would mourn the loss of their precious semen." Mortimer got some walnuts out to give a demonstration. He crushed them by stomping on them to show what happens to the testicles of those who rode First Flight. "The ride went up around the worst time, since Six Flags wanted to get Magic Mountain to have the most coasters in one park for their 40th anniversary. They even had an opening ceremony with a shit ton of confetti and Green Lantern with his own dick out! So the ride closed in 2017 and had plans to be relocated to Canada, until COVID happened. Then, they just said 'fuck it' and just demolished the thing like a bad memory.
Staying onto Magic Mountain, we have the coaster Flashback, which has an unfortunate history and might be the coaster that could haunt the company Intamin forever. The kicker? I don't think it was Intamin's fault for what happened to Flashback. The coaster wasn't even called Flashback, rather it was called Z-Force in 1985 and originally from Six Flags Great America. There were problems with the coaster being rough, but people were able to look past it. Until it decided to get relocated to Six Flags Georgia in 1988. The year after that, a 11 year-old boy from Alabama passed out and never woke up again. Then, it got relocated again to Magic Mountain, where it turns out... all of those times in relocation had Six Flags cut down the track and make the ride experience much worse and painful. It's a reputation from Flashback that would also ruin the reputation of Z-Force, which already was seen as rocky. At least, the ride gave us the most 90's ad possible.
Now here's another familiar name. The Beast from King's Island! But I'm not here to criticize the legend of the Beast. Oh no... That's R.L Stine's favorite roller coaster over there. He liked the coaster so much, he made two books on it. I'm talking about the Son of the Beast. It was a tragedy that was marked by great ambition and hubris. It aspired to break many records in being a wooden coaster, but it turns out that the coaster itself was breaking. From what was gathered, the coaster was built by the manufacturer Roller Coaster Corporation of America (RCCA). RCCA was fired by the owners of King's Island, who happen to be Paramount Parks at the time. RCCA was fired in the middle of construction and then after some repairs and after FINALLY opening, the ride was deteriorating during it's first year of operation. Paramount Parks sued RCCA for alleging that poor materials and work was done on the coaster, but... there is the chance that King's Island was trying to cover up the safety concerns with the coaster. Get this. They had the Ohio Department of Agriculture to inspect the ride! Not certified safety professionals, the Ohio Department of Agriculture was given the task. The fuck do they know about roller coasters? With its dangerous history, the coaster finally closed for good in 2012, then got replaced by the ride Banshee. In the queue of Banshee, you can still find a memorial for the Son of Beast ride with an eternal flame. Gone, but not forgotten."
Mortimer chows down on some more precious chocolately gore, until he remembered something.
"We're not finished yet! Even Disney suffers through its share of flops. Starting off...
We have the Rocket Rods, which is a ride that some of you might not know. Back when I was young and went to California during our trips to Disneyland, I remember seeing what looked like unused track in Tomorrowland and always wondered what it was and for, since it wasn't part of the railroad around the park. Turns out that it was part of a botched amount to make a thrill ride in Tomorrowland, made for its remodel in 1998. The ride re-used the original track from the ride the Peoplemover, which was part of a 16-minute tour, but not a three minute ride. Not only was the Rocket Rods inconsistent, but the damn thing kept breaking down constantly. In the end, it got scrapped, but the track still remained of the ride. However, this was only the first attempt at a ride like this by Disney, since it would be the predecessor to both the Test Track in Epcot and Radiator Springs Racers in California Adventure." Mortimer glances at the viewer.
"Speaking of California Adventure...
We have Superstar Limo. Part of the most blursed moment of Disneyland with its sister park's opening to its tacky birth! You have a California-themed theme park in California! Tell me what's wrong with this sentence! Originally, Superstar Limo was supposed to be a fast-paced indoor ride, but here's the problem... The ride story was that you had to get to the Grauman's Chinese Theater without getting caught by the paparazzi. Unfortunately, during development, Princess Diana died under similar circumstances. Which you can blame on the paparazzi for not caring about human life, mind you. So Disney had to scrap their original concept for Superstar Limo and changed it, so that you, YES YOU, were a major Hollywood superstar! Yippee!" Mortimer said that last part in mock cheer. "The Imagineers were not fond of the ride, considering that it was shitty celebrity and entertainment industry jokes filled with animatronic abominations of random B-list celebrities from the ABC shows that Disney had in their possession, since Disney did buy ABC. The problem was that Michael Eisner thought it was his favorite ride. Which makes sense, since the ride was tailored towards him and no one else. Luckily, this ride was replaced with the Monsters Inc attraction, to which they re-used and redressed some of the animatronics. Most notably, the Drew Carey and Jackie Chan animatronics...
Now, onto Epcot. Before we get to the biggest offender, we have to go to Innoventions. It's a shame that there is little to no concepts like these in Disney parks, because yes it's supposed to be a theme park, but it wouldn't hurt to have an interactive museum be added into the mix. All of these exhibits of promoting the future and new technology goes down into waste! But let's focus on a certain exhibit, which counts as an interactive attraction. And while this one can be considered a watered-down version of Toy Story Mania, I'm covering the original iteration of this. That ride being the original Habit Heroes."
Mortimer, for some reason, pauses.
"I'll leave a video or two up that sums up a lot of.... things.
Does those videos make sense? So after some backlash, they made a less cringy version, though it probably didn't do much to help combat those bad habits. There is a nasty wave of irony to be held here.
Now, lastly. Perhaps the worst attraction to have previously existed, excluding the Son of Beast coaster as the worst coaster ever. Proudly presenting...
Journey Into YOUR Imagination. No, not Journey into Imagination. This is Journey Into YOUR Imagination. Because shitty sequels to rides don't bode well. For a ride that boasts about imagination, THEY IS NONE WITH THIS FUCKING RIDE! You know about those Figment purple dragon popcorn buckets, right? How those Disneyheads go nuts for them and wait 5 hours in line for one to put in their shed full of popcorn buckets, merchandise, and the chained up sex slave. They weren't doing it for materialism, they were doing it to mourn how mistreated their beloved Journey Into Imagination go screwed. Journey Into Imagination was already a classic 80's to 90's ride in Epcot, but during the revamping in the mid-to-late 90's, Journey Into Imagination became Journey Into Your Imagination. Trying to do a major revamp of the ride for Walt Disney World's Millennium Celebration, the Disney company needed some help in doing so. This is where one of their previous sponsors Kodak helped them.... with a small-ass budget. They cut the ride track in half from 11 minutes to 5 minutes and gutted off nearly everything that had the original ride's identity. Not to mention that the ride insults its own riders by saying in the beginning their riders lack 'imagination' supposedly. The ride only lasted for 2 years, until it became Journey into Imagination with Figment, though it wasn't enough to get that original glory back. It's a real pity, since let's face it. No one knows what the fuck is happening in Epcot with its Future section."
Mortimer wraps up his autistic hyperfixation on bad attractions, where he cradles the chocolate head of the Statue of Liberty. He gives it a kiss on the lips.
"Ok, so we should head over to the Paris Hotel, though I want to hide Liberty in my room. Probably in the back of my refrigerator, but my family might question me." Mortimer said, until he looks like he was reminded of something. He looks at the viewer with a question. "Oh, by the way. You don't happen to have diabetes, right?"
Mortimer pulled out an used syringe full of insulin. "You were eating that chocolate a lot and it didn't look like you eat chocolate that often, so I was wondering if you-"
You start to feel faint.
"Are you ok?"
You are not ok.
You go into the ground, feeling like you are having a stroke. Either that you have diabetes or all of those calories in that block of chocolate killed your heart.
WHY GOD.
Those two words you think to yourself, while Mortimer tries to kickstart your body.
"You should be proud that you are now a G-rated cannibal. You're eating liberty at its finest and needed form." Mortimer said, munching on a chocolate arm.
"Now where was I? Oh yes! Let's do a bonus round! Because my autistic hyperfixation is now on theme parks."
Bonus Round - The Worst in Amusements That Were Much Worst Than The Big Apple
Mortimer would monologue his thoughts on terrible rides, while eating the succulent chocolate flesh of Lady Liberty.
Mortimer had Defunctland and other sources to thank him for most of the information that was about to be said.
"First, I want to mention the Drachen Fire that was supposed to be infamous back in the day in Williamsburgh in Busch Gardens. It was made back in 1992 by Arrow Dynamics, who some may know were the ones who attempted to do the fishhook coaster at the Strat. They went defunct at 2002, but Arrow Dynamics was important back then, since they helped innovate rides with Disney. For Busch Gardens, the park wanted them to do another looping roller coaster, since Arrow had worked with Busch Gardens Williamsburgh in the past. Unfortunately, rather than use the traditional copy-and-paste elements, the park wanted them to use more modern designs. Arrow Dynamics for some reason, decided to use computer technology, which is seen by outdated by terms of Arrow's competitors in the amusement ride industry. What you get is a rough experience with some headbanging, to which riders had to be instructions to remove their earrings before riding. It even broke the vertebrae of Bill from Bill & Ted! Drachen Fire got demolished in 2002, around the same time as Arrow Dynamic went bust, and after no one wanted to buy the coaster from the park. There is also the rare chance that Busch Gardens also still has Drachen Fire t-shirts that they are also trying to get rid of, since they want to get of its awful past.
This next ride is one that was the byproduct of soulless powerpoint presentations, cut corners, and some bad public representation at time. I'm talking about the Submarine Quest from SeaWorld San Diego. Conceived as an interactive attraction with a gimmicky touchscreen game that your kids are supposed to play while the ride happens, for some reason, the ride mostly happens outside in the middle of broad daylight. This can be bad when you were expecting your submarine to go, oh I don't know, UNDERWATER! Submarine Quest was supposed to be the star attraction of Seaworld's new Ocean Explorer section, though they could've saved a whole bunch of money from not making the ride at all and just have a parade eel on a stage dance around. The ride was made in 2017, just two years after the Blackfish film came out that detailed Seaworld's mistreatment that was put in the media spotlight in 2015. Luckily, there is a better Submarine Quest available. At Legoland California with actually being underwater and having real fish. It doesn't help that Legoland competes with SeaWorld, since they are rivals with one another besides Disney.
This one ride goes back to our pals of TOGO and was probably the one that gave them the nail in the coffin for them, besides the Big Apple coaster. Which ride you may be wondering? In Knott's Berry Farm, there was the Windjammer Surf Riders. Oh yes! This was the ride that even pissed off Knott's Berry Farm themselves! Surf Riders was supposed to replace the Wacky Soap Box Racers ride (provided with some violently 90's footage to boot) that was beloved by many patrons, however it was dated. Wanting to do a more thrilling version to please and pay tribute to the original ride, they had TOGO commissioned to do the ride. Here's where everything went wrong. The ride was prone to breaking down, even in winds that went about 3 miles per hour! The coaster trains didn't even duel as they advertised, though barely on lucky occasions. And to top it all off, the ride itself was too dull with a jittery track and uncomfortable restraints. Can you even blame Knott's Berry Farm when they sued TOGO for making them look like idiots. No one missed the coaster when it was torn down in 2000, though it was replaced by the famous Xcelerator coaster in 2002. There was also another benefit from all of this. Knott's Berry Farm decided to reuse the same dartboard and do another surfing-themed coaster called the HangTime that opened in 2018, which is significantly better. Still, it's a surprise that some intervention needed to be done for TOGO in the States, seeing how an American company were the ones who did the refurbishments in their Big Apple coaster.
Now here's a familiar name. Green Lantern. Green Lantern is still around in the comic, but around the time of Green Lantern First Flight ride opening, the IP outside of the comics went from a four leaf clover to plucked one leaf one covered in dog shit. The cartoon got cancelled, the movie with Ryan Reynolds sucked ass (which is bad since DC were trying to compete with Marvel, due to the latter laying down the ground for their MCU), and of course the roller coaster of First Flight is a complete fucking disaster. The ride did originally use to be good when it opened, but after some breakdowns, it became a painful nightmare to which it became one of Six Flags most hated coasters. Not only was extra weight added that prevented the coaster cars from free-spinning, but the new restraints left a lot of people battered and nausea as hell. Made worse that that it was a cock-and-ball torture ride for the fellow men who would mourn the loss of their precious semen." Mortimer got some walnuts out to give a demonstration. He crushed them by stomping on them to show what happens to the testicles of those who rode First Flight. "The ride went up around the worst time, since Six Flags wanted to get Magic Mountain to have the most coasters in one park for their 40th anniversary. They even had an opening ceremony with a shit ton of confetti and Green Lantern with his own dick out! So the ride closed in 2017 and had plans to be relocated to Canada, until COVID happened. Then, they just said 'fuck it' and just demolished the thing like a bad memory.
Staying onto Magic Mountain, we have the coaster Flashback, which has an unfortunate history and might be the coaster that could haunt the company Intamin forever. The kicker? I don't think it was Intamin's fault for what happened to Flashback. The coaster wasn't even called Flashback, rather it was called Z-Force in 1985 and originally from Six Flags Great America. There were problems with the coaster being rough, but people were able to look past it. Until it decided to get relocated to Six Flags Georgia in 1988. The year after that, a 11 year-old boy from Alabama passed out and never woke up again. Then, it got relocated again to Magic Mountain, where it turns out... all of those times in relocation had Six Flags cut down the track and make the ride experience much worse and painful. It's a reputation from Flashback that would also ruin the reputation of Z-Force, which already was seen as rocky. At least, the ride gave us the most 90's ad possible.
Now here's another familiar name. The Beast from King's Island! But I'm not here to criticize the legend of the Beast. Oh no... That's R.L Stine's favorite roller coaster over there. He liked the coaster so much, he made two books on it. I'm talking about the Son of the Beast. It was a tragedy that was marked by great ambition and hubris. It aspired to break many records in being a wooden coaster, but it turns out that the coaster itself was breaking. From what was gathered, the coaster was built by the manufacturer Roller Coaster Corporation of America (RCCA). RCCA was fired by the owners of King's Island, who happen to be Paramount Parks at the time. RCCA was fired in the middle of construction and then after some repairs and after FINALLY opening, the ride was deteriorating during it's first year of operation. Paramount Parks sued RCCA for alleging that poor materials and work was done on the coaster, but... there is the chance that King's Island was trying to cover up the safety concerns with the coaster. Get this. They had the Ohio Department of Agriculture to inspect the ride! Not certified safety professionals, the Ohio Department of Agriculture was given the task. The fuck do they know about roller coasters? With its dangerous history, the coaster finally closed for good in 2012, then got replaced by the ride Banshee. In the queue of Banshee, you can still find a memorial for the Son of Beast ride with an eternal flame. Gone, but not forgotten."
Mortimer chows down on some more precious chocolately gore, until he remembered something.
"We're not finished yet! Even Disney suffers through its share of flops. Starting off...
We have the Rocket Rods, which is a ride that some of you might not know. Back when I was young and went to California during our trips to Disneyland, I remember seeing what looked like unused track in Tomorrowland and always wondered what it was and for, since it wasn't part of the railroad around the park. Turns out that it was part of a botched amount to make a thrill ride in Tomorrowland, made for its remodel in 1998. The ride re-used the original track from the ride the Peoplemover, which was part of a 16-minute tour, but not a three minute ride. Not only was the Rocket Rods inconsistent, but the damn thing kept breaking down constantly. In the end, it got scrapped, but the track still remained of the ride. However, this was only the first attempt at a ride like this by Disney, since it would be the predecessor to both the Test Track in Epcot and Radiator Springs Racers in California Adventure." Mortimer glances at the viewer.
"Speaking of California Adventure...
We have Superstar Limo. Part of the most blursed moment of Disneyland with its sister park's opening to its tacky birth! You have a California-themed theme park in California! Tell me what's wrong with this sentence! Originally, Superstar Limo was supposed to be a fast-paced indoor ride, but here's the problem... The ride story was that you had to get to the Grauman's Chinese Theater without getting caught by the paparazzi. Unfortunately, during development, Princess Diana died under similar circumstances. Which you can blame on the paparazzi for not caring about human life, mind you. So Disney had to scrap their original concept for Superstar Limo and changed it, so that you, YES YOU, were a major Hollywood superstar! Yippee!" Mortimer said that last part in mock cheer. "The Imagineers were not fond of the ride, considering that it was shitty celebrity and entertainment industry jokes filled with animatronic abominations of random B-list celebrities from the ABC shows that Disney had in their possession, since Disney did buy ABC. The problem was that Michael Eisner thought it was his favorite ride. Which makes sense, since the ride was tailored towards him and no one else. Luckily, this ride was replaced with the Monsters Inc attraction, to which they re-used and redressed some of the animatronics. Most notably, the Drew Carey and Jackie Chan animatronics...
Now, onto Epcot. Before we get to the biggest offender, we have to go to Innoventions. It's a shame that there is little to no concepts like these in Disney parks, because yes it's supposed to be a theme park, but it wouldn't hurt to have an interactive museum be added into the mix. All of these exhibits of promoting the future and new technology goes down into waste! But let's focus on a certain exhibit, which counts as an interactive attraction. And while this one can be considered a watered-down version of Toy Story Mania, I'm covering the original iteration of this. That ride being the original Habit Heroes."
Mortimer, for some reason, pauses.
"I'll leave a video or two up that sums up a lot of.... things.
Does those videos make sense? So after some backlash, they made a less cringy version, though it probably didn't do much to help combat those bad habits. There is a nasty wave of irony to be held here.
Now, lastly. Perhaps the worst attraction to have previously existed, excluding the Son of Beast coaster as the worst coaster ever. Proudly presenting...
Journey Into YOUR Imagination. No, not Journey into Imagination. This is Journey Into YOUR Imagination. Because shitty sequels to rides don't bode well. For a ride that boasts about imagination, THEY IS NONE WITH THIS FUCKING RIDE! You know about those Figment purple dragon popcorn buckets, right? How those Disneyheads go nuts for them and wait 5 hours in line for one to put in their shed full of popcorn buckets, merchandise, and the chained up sex slave. They weren't doing it for materialism, they were doing it to mourn how mistreated their beloved Journey Into Imagination go screwed. Journey Into Imagination was already a classic 80's to 90's ride in Epcot, but during the revamping in the mid-to-late 90's, Journey Into Imagination became Journey Into Your Imagination. Trying to do a major revamp of the ride for Walt Disney World's Millennium Celebration, the Disney company needed some help in doing so. This is where one of their previous sponsors Kodak helped them.... with a small-ass budget. They cut the ride track in half from 11 minutes to 5 minutes and gutted off nearly everything that had the original ride's identity. Not to mention that the ride insults its own riders by saying in the beginning their riders lack 'imagination' supposedly. The ride only lasted for 2 years, until it became Journey into Imagination with Figment, though it wasn't enough to get that original glory back. It's a real pity, since let's face it. No one knows what the fuck is happening in Epcot with its Future section."
Mortimer wraps up his autistic hyperfixation on bad attractions, where he cradles the chocolate head of the Statue of Liberty. He gives it a kiss on the lips.
"Ok, so we should head over to the Paris Hotel, though I want to hide Liberty in my room. Probably in the back of my refrigerator, but my family might question me." Mortimer said, until he looks like he was reminded of something. He looks at the viewer with a question. "Oh, by the way. You don't happen to have diabetes, right?"
Mortimer pulled out an used syringe full of insulin. "You were eating that chocolate a lot and it didn't look like you eat chocolate that often, so I was wondering if you-"
You start to feel faint.
"Are you ok?"
You are not ok.
You go into the ground, feeling like you are having a stroke. Either that you have diabetes or all of those calories in that block of chocolate killed your heart.
WHY GOD.
Those two words you think to yourself, while Mortimer tries to kickstart your body.
Mortimer's 10 Hotels - Number 4 - Paris at Home
Mortimer stands at the top of the replica of the Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas, where there is a view of the Bellagio fountains from across the street.
"This here is the Paris Las Vegas. Here, you can encounter the positives of Paris and Las Vegas. With a less chance at getting pickpocketed or scammed. But you will get scammed the American Way, of course. Here, the design uses smaller replicas of famous Parisian landmarks, including that Montgolfier balloon sign down there. While there is a lot with this hotel. You might be disappointed to hear that there isn't a bunch of stuff to describe here. There is it being connected to the nearby Bally's, but the only reason that this hotel stands out is for this Eiffel Tower replica and its choice of restaurants. There is the view of Bellagio, but there isn't much to go on."
Mortimer sits at a table inside a fake Paris street inside of the hotel.
"However, there is a bunch of places in this hotel to eat at. Besides another Gordon Ramsey restaurant, the biggest well-known restaurants in the hotel are both Nobu and Mon Ami Gabi. For the former, you're getting an expensive Japanese meal like sushi and what not. There is a bunch of high-end sushi places in Las Vegas, but Nobu is one of them. For Mon Ami Gabi, it's absurdly popular! We're talking about the third most-watched and reviewed restaurant in Las Vegas. Above the Mon Ami Gabi are the Bacchanel Buffet and Hell's Kitchen, both of which are found at Caesar's Palace. A place that we will get to soon, but let's talk about the menu at Mon Ami Gabi. In terms of prices, it's both modest, though the steakhouse options are obviously expensive. Still, you know how extremely valuable perfectly-cooked steak is here. This restaurant is classified as a French bistro to match with the theme of the hotel and the usual goodies that the restaurant gets people to have are its steak frites and its onion soup."
Mortimer appears near the Bellagio fountains.
"In terms of European theming in Las Vegas, Italy beats out France by a longshot. However, wanting to give tribute to Paris, I will ask that you readers view this video that shows the perfect vibe of the city of Paris. And for a big positive for the Paris Las Vegas. You will not get Paris syndrome at the Paris Las Vegas. Trust me on this. Especially the tourists from Japan."
Mortimer stands at the top of the replica of the Eiffel Tower at Paris Las Vegas, where there is a view of the Bellagio fountains from across the street.
"This here is the Paris Las Vegas. Here, you can encounter the positives of Paris and Las Vegas. With a less chance at getting pickpocketed or scammed. But you will get scammed the American Way, of course. Here, the design uses smaller replicas of famous Parisian landmarks, including that Montgolfier balloon sign down there. While there is a lot with this hotel. You might be disappointed to hear that there isn't a bunch of stuff to describe here. There is it being connected to the nearby Bally's, but the only reason that this hotel stands out is for this Eiffel Tower replica and its choice of restaurants. There is the view of Bellagio, but there isn't much to go on."
Mortimer sits at a table inside a fake Paris street inside of the hotel.
"However, there is a bunch of places in this hotel to eat at. Besides another Gordon Ramsey restaurant, the biggest well-known restaurants in the hotel are both Nobu and Mon Ami Gabi. For the former, you're getting an expensive Japanese meal like sushi and what not. There is a bunch of high-end sushi places in Las Vegas, but Nobu is one of them. For Mon Ami Gabi, it's absurdly popular! We're talking about the third most-watched and reviewed restaurant in Las Vegas. Above the Mon Ami Gabi are the Bacchanel Buffet and Hell's Kitchen, both of which are found at Caesar's Palace. A place that we will get to soon, but let's talk about the menu at Mon Ami Gabi. In terms of prices, it's both modest, though the steakhouse options are obviously expensive. Still, you know how extremely valuable perfectly-cooked steak is here. This restaurant is classified as a French bistro to match with the theme of the hotel and the usual goodies that the restaurant gets people to have are its steak frites and its onion soup."
Mortimer appears near the Bellagio fountains.
"In terms of European theming in Las Vegas, Italy beats out France by a longshot. However, wanting to give tribute to Paris, I will ask that you readers view this video that shows the perfect vibe of the city of Paris. And for a big positive for the Paris Las Vegas. You will not get Paris syndrome at the Paris Las Vegas. Trust me on this. Especially the tourists from Japan."
Mortimer's 10 Hotels - Number 5 - The "Worst" Hotel
Mortimer stands inside of the Flamingo lobby.
"Now, this is going to be a bit unfair, but out of the 10 options on this list, I would consider the Flamingo hotel to be the worst popular hotel to be in. That's saying something, since if the Stratosphere was actually a part of the Strip, I would have flat-out put it at the worst unanimously. However, you get this pink nightmare. The thing about this place is that this is one of the oldest hotels in Las Vegas and you can expect it to still remain standing. Vegas wouldn't dare defile a national landmark."
Mortimer appears once again, standing by a memorial plague that is found in the courtyard of the hotel.
"The Flamingo hotel is one that still deserves a spot, because it's history is probably the best part of the establishment. It's one that is ripped from the scenes of a mafia film. Actually, some of you may know what mafia film I'm talking about."
Using the meta-breaking powers of fiction and multi-shot reality shifting, Mortimer time travels with the reader to the parking lot of Tony Roma's restaurant in October 4, 1982.
"Some film snobs will recall the movie Casino by Martin Scorsese, which was based off of a non-fiction book of the same name. Back then in Vegas, the mafia were involved in the casino industry. Way different than the top cats who run the casinos now."
In the background, Mortimer points to a man who is walking and getting into his car.
"That man over there is Frank Rosenthal. Sports Illustrated once called him the greatest living expert on sports gambling. In Vegas, there is gambling, but sports betting on horses or other sports still counts as gambling. Rosenthal was the man who brought exposure to it. Rosenthal, however, was working with the prominent Chicago Outfit, who had control over several old former casinos that were mob-owned and controlled. He divorced his wife Geri McGee, who later died from a mixture of alcohol and drugs. Her sister believed that she was whacked, but the death was as an accidental overdose. A month before McGee died, the feds were already going up the mafia's asses and the mob-owned casinos were going through legal problems that were being blamed on people like Rosenthal."
Mortimer looked directly at the reader, while Frank Rosenthal was in his car.
"Now, when it comes to the mafia, they will be forced to drop what they consider to be dead weight..."
Behind Mortimer, Rosenthal's car catches on fire, to which Rosenthal stumbles out before the car completely explodes. "They're trying to kill me, they're trying to kill me!" Rosenthal can be heard saying in the background.
"Frank Rosenthal was one of the luckiest people to survive a mob hit, because his car happened to have a metal plate under the driver's seat to correct a balancing issue. After surviving, he coincidentally ended up meeting Myram Borders, who was a journalist, who got suspicious from the explosion that she heard. It isn't fully confirmed on who directly tried to kill Rosenthal, but it is believed that his death was ordered by Frank Balistrieri, who was the mob boss of the Milwaukee crime family, and was nicknamed the Mad Bomber for staging a car bombing that killed off an informant who was going to testify against him."
Police and ambulance sirens can be heard in the background.
"Now, let's get to the other grisly part, because just like Casino, Rosenthal was friends with a gangster named Anthony Spilotro, or Tony the Ant for short. Thank Satan, I don't have to pronounce these tongue twister names.."
Mortimer appears at the middle of a cornfield in Indiana in June 14, 1986. Several made men were burying Tony the Ant and his brother in a grave.
"Tony the Ant was sent to Vegas to oversee the operation with the mob-owned casinos, but he got bored and started a burglary gang called the Hole in the Wall gang. This didn't sit well for the mob, because with the decline of the mob-owned casinos, they were trying to get rid of any problem that they saw. Which is why they went after the Ant, because he neglected to do anything to help them. They got him and his brother, where they beat them to death. If that didn't kill them, they tossed them into a grave and buried them alive to finish them off. They would've ended up disappearing from the face of the earth, hadn't a farmer found the freshly buried grave. The farmer mistaken it as the grave site of a deer that got killed by a poacher, but he still notified the authorities.
Around the 90s or so, the mob-owned casinos went bust and were demolished, ending an era of organized crime in Las Vegas."
Mortimer stands inside of the Flamingo lobby.
"Now, this is going to be a bit unfair, but out of the 10 options on this list, I would consider the Flamingo hotel to be the worst popular hotel to be in. That's saying something, since if the Stratosphere was actually a part of the Strip, I would have flat-out put it at the worst unanimously. However, you get this pink nightmare. The thing about this place is that this is one of the oldest hotels in Las Vegas and you can expect it to still remain standing. Vegas wouldn't dare defile a national landmark."
Mortimer appears once again, standing by a memorial plague that is found in the courtyard of the hotel.
"The Flamingo hotel is one that still deserves a spot, because it's history is probably the best part of the establishment. It's one that is ripped from the scenes of a mafia film. Actually, some of you may know what mafia film I'm talking about."
Using the meta-breaking powers of fiction and multi-shot reality shifting, Mortimer time travels with the reader to the parking lot of Tony Roma's restaurant in October 4, 1982.
"Some film snobs will recall the movie Casino by Martin Scorsese, which was based off of a non-fiction book of the same name. Back then in Vegas, the mafia were involved in the casino industry. Way different than the top cats who run the casinos now."
In the background, Mortimer points to a man who is walking and getting into his car.
"That man over there is Frank Rosenthal. Sports Illustrated once called him the greatest living expert on sports gambling. In Vegas, there is gambling, but sports betting on horses or other sports still counts as gambling. Rosenthal was the man who brought exposure to it. Rosenthal, however, was working with the prominent Chicago Outfit, who had control over several old former casinos that were mob-owned and controlled. He divorced his wife Geri McGee, who later died from a mixture of alcohol and drugs. Her sister believed that she was whacked, but the death was as an accidental overdose. A month before McGee died, the feds were already going up the mafia's asses and the mob-owned casinos were going through legal problems that were being blamed on people like Rosenthal."
Mortimer looked directly at the reader, while Frank Rosenthal was in his car.
"Now, when it comes to the mafia, they will be forced to drop what they consider to be dead weight..."
Behind Mortimer, Rosenthal's car catches on fire, to which Rosenthal stumbles out before the car completely explodes. "They're trying to kill me, they're trying to kill me!" Rosenthal can be heard saying in the background.
"Frank Rosenthal was one of the luckiest people to survive a mob hit, because his car happened to have a metal plate under the driver's seat to correct a balancing issue. After surviving, he coincidentally ended up meeting Myram Borders, who was a journalist, who got suspicious from the explosion that she heard. It isn't fully confirmed on who directly tried to kill Rosenthal, but it is believed that his death was ordered by Frank Balistrieri, who was the mob boss of the Milwaukee crime family, and was nicknamed the Mad Bomber for staging a car bombing that killed off an informant who was going to testify against him."
Police and ambulance sirens can be heard in the background.
"Now, let's get to the other grisly part, because just like Casino, Rosenthal was friends with a gangster named Anthony Spilotro, or Tony the Ant for short. Thank Satan, I don't have to pronounce these tongue twister names.."
Mortimer appears at the middle of a cornfield in Indiana in June 14, 1986. Several made men were burying Tony the Ant and his brother in a grave.
"Tony the Ant was sent to Vegas to oversee the operation with the mob-owned casinos, but he got bored and started a burglary gang called the Hole in the Wall gang. This didn't sit well for the mob, because with the decline of the mob-owned casinos, they were trying to get rid of any problem that they saw. Which is why they went after the Ant, because he neglected to do anything to help them. They got him and his brother, where they beat them to death. If that didn't kill them, they tossed them into a grave and buried them alive to finish them off. They would've ended up disappearing from the face of the earth, hadn't a farmer found the freshly buried grave. The farmer mistaken it as the grave site of a deer that got killed by a poacher, but he still notified the authorities.
Around the 90s or so, the mob-owned casinos went bust and were demolished, ending an era of organized crime in Las Vegas."
Mortimer appears wearing some wise guy clothing. For ambience, the setting has been drained of any color and turned into black and white.
"How did the mob managed to get money from the casinos in the first place? It's from something called skimming. Skimming in casinos was very common and it was how many mobsters got a lot richer."
Mortimer appears inside of a classroom, where he had a projector ready to filibust some more information.
"So you are thinking... how does the Flamingo hotel come into play? Well, that's because it was originally mob-owned. Not by the Chicago Outfit, but another gangster. We are talking about Bugsy."
Mortimer turned on the projector to show a picture of William R. Wilkerson.
"The Flamingo was originally made thought up by William R. Wilkerson. Some might note that the name sounds familiar, maybe because he was one of the many back in the 50s, who created the red scare and the Hollywood blacklist. Rat bastard. Despite his reputation of being the founder and publisher of the Hollywood Reporter, Wilkerson was also a real estate developer and the owner of several nightclubs. He was a heavy gambler and he was a frequent visitor to Las Vegas, when other casinos and hotels were popping up. When Wilkerson was trying to make the Flamingo hotel, he ran low on money. This is where the mob stepped in. They were partners in the project, so the person who helped finish the place was Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel. Bugsy finished the hotel and took it off Wilkerson's hands, much to the latter's displeasure."
The projector switched to an image of Bugsy.
"Bugsy was no stranger to organized crime. He was a heavy player within the Jewish American mob, along with being related to the Italian-American Mafia and the Italian-Jewish National Crime Syndicate. He was a bootlegger during Prohibition, he was a hitman and muscle, he killed his former friend and got acquitted, and he would be famous as the owner of the Flamingo Hotel. There were other people involved with Bugsy's story, however. That being the likes of David Berman, Moe Sedway, Gus Greenbaum, and most importantly, Meyer Lansky. They were all involved with the Jewish mob and each had a large list to back up their standings within the mafia."
The projector switched to a picture of Meyer Lanksy.
Lansky was infamous, because he was a financial genius and one of the richest mobsters in America. He pioneered money laundering and offshore banking in the 30's, which would later be utilized in the 50's. He had already developed a gambling empire and had percentages in other casinos throughout the States, including at Las Vegas."
Mortimer switches off the projector.
"This would only be the start of something, since there was a rocky start with the hotel and casino before and shortly after it opened."
"How did the mob managed to get money from the casinos in the first place? It's from something called skimming. Skimming in casinos was very common and it was how many mobsters got a lot richer."
Mortimer appears inside of a classroom, where he had a projector ready to filibust some more information.
"So you are thinking... how does the Flamingo hotel come into play? Well, that's because it was originally mob-owned. Not by the Chicago Outfit, but another gangster. We are talking about Bugsy."
Mortimer turned on the projector to show a picture of William R. Wilkerson.
"The Flamingo was originally made thought up by William R. Wilkerson. Some might note that the name sounds familiar, maybe because he was one of the many back in the 50s, who created the red scare and the Hollywood blacklist. Rat bastard. Despite his reputation of being the founder and publisher of the Hollywood Reporter, Wilkerson was also a real estate developer and the owner of several nightclubs. He was a heavy gambler and he was a frequent visitor to Las Vegas, when other casinos and hotels were popping up. When Wilkerson was trying to make the Flamingo hotel, he ran low on money. This is where the mob stepped in. They were partners in the project, so the person who helped finish the place was Benjamin "Bugsy" Siegel. Bugsy finished the hotel and took it off Wilkerson's hands, much to the latter's displeasure."
The projector switched to an image of Bugsy.
"Bugsy was no stranger to organized crime. He was a heavy player within the Jewish American mob, along with being related to the Italian-American Mafia and the Italian-Jewish National Crime Syndicate. He was a bootlegger during Prohibition, he was a hitman and muscle, he killed his former friend and got acquitted, and he would be famous as the owner of the Flamingo Hotel. There were other people involved with Bugsy's story, however. That being the likes of David Berman, Moe Sedway, Gus Greenbaum, and most importantly, Meyer Lansky. They were all involved with the Jewish mob and each had a large list to back up their standings within the mafia."
The projector switched to a picture of Meyer Lanksy.
Lansky was infamous, because he was a financial genius and one of the richest mobsters in America. He pioneered money laundering and offshore banking in the 30's, which would later be utilized in the 50's. He had already developed a gambling empire and had percentages in other casinos throughout the States, including at Las Vegas."
Mortimer switches off the projector.
"This would only be the start of something, since there was a rocky start with the hotel and casino before and shortly after it opened."
Mortimer, still in a black-and-white world, appears in front of the Flamingo casino during its grand opening in December 26, 1946.
"Now, the resort for the Flamingo was supposed to be originally costing a million dollars to make. Doesn't sound bad, but you need to take into account that a million dollars back then would make you a multi-millionaire now, because of inflation. The richest man at the time was probably John D. Rockefeller, who was perhaps the first billionaire. Back then, people thought he was a god. Now back to the resort, Bugsy done some mismanagement with the construction, to which that 1 million dollars went up to 6 million dollars. This was bad, since Bugsy was getting loans from both Lansky, and even Frank Costello, who was the crime boss of the Luciano crime family in New York. The construction company was wondering about their pay, since they were having problems getting it, but Bugsy told the owner of the company that it wasn't the workers' problems, but his and the mob."
Mortimer ends up among a crowd of VIPs, where he gets himself a hand-painted ceramic flamingo statue, which is given to him by Bugsy himself.
"Now, there is a dispute on who came up with the name of the Flamingo. It was either Bugsy or Wilkerson, though both had similar ideas, basing the name of flamingos from Miami. In terms of the opening of the Flamingo, the casino was opened first, while the hotel was still in construction. This caused the casino to suffer financially, since the gamblers were staying at the Flamingo's competitors. Eventually, they did another reopening with the casino being with the hotel, putting it all in one piece."
Mortimer looked hesitant, when he glanced at Bugsy, who was still giving out statues.
"There was one little problem..."
Mortimer appears at a mansion at Beverly Hills in the driveway on June 20, 1947 in the middle of the night.
"Now, Bugsy was still a criminal. You don't mess with the mob, but that organized part of organized crime tend to slip from their character. Bugsy was pissed off during the opening of the casino from how the resort was losing money, he became irate and verbally abusive, including having a family thrown out from the opening. To which, the mob bosses lost their patience with Bugsy."
A shadowy figure with a fedora on and holding a military M1 Carbine rifle appeared at the driveway, aiming the rifle at the living room window where Bugsy is reading a newspaper with an associate.
"It's unknown on who killed Bugsy, but one that is certain is that Bugsy got whacked."
The shadowy figure fired several shots from the rifle at Bugsy's head through the window, before they ditched the scene.
"It can be for several reasons. It could be from Bugsy's excessive spending from the mob with their money. Lansky might have had a hand in approving it, though there was also the chance that it could've been because Bugsy wanted to take out Moe Segway for having control over his finances. Either way, something happened the day after the murder."
Mortimer appears back at the Flamingo, where Moe Sedway, Gus Greenbaum, and another mobster David Berman arrived at the lobby of the Flamingo.
"Bugsy was the founder of the hotel, but after he died, the mob took it off of his cold dead hands and had it under their possession now. They made it clear."
"Now, the resort for the Flamingo was supposed to be originally costing a million dollars to make. Doesn't sound bad, but you need to take into account that a million dollars back then would make you a multi-millionaire now, because of inflation. The richest man at the time was probably John D. Rockefeller, who was perhaps the first billionaire. Back then, people thought he was a god. Now back to the resort, Bugsy done some mismanagement with the construction, to which that 1 million dollars went up to 6 million dollars. This was bad, since Bugsy was getting loans from both Lansky, and even Frank Costello, who was the crime boss of the Luciano crime family in New York. The construction company was wondering about their pay, since they were having problems getting it, but Bugsy told the owner of the company that it wasn't the workers' problems, but his and the mob."
Mortimer ends up among a crowd of VIPs, where he gets himself a hand-painted ceramic flamingo statue, which is given to him by Bugsy himself.
"Now, there is a dispute on who came up with the name of the Flamingo. It was either Bugsy or Wilkerson, though both had similar ideas, basing the name of flamingos from Miami. In terms of the opening of the Flamingo, the casino was opened first, while the hotel was still in construction. This caused the casino to suffer financially, since the gamblers were staying at the Flamingo's competitors. Eventually, they did another reopening with the casino being with the hotel, putting it all in one piece."
Mortimer looked hesitant, when he glanced at Bugsy, who was still giving out statues.
"There was one little problem..."
Mortimer appears at a mansion at Beverly Hills in the driveway on June 20, 1947 in the middle of the night.
"Now, Bugsy was still a criminal. You don't mess with the mob, but that organized part of organized crime tend to slip from their character. Bugsy was pissed off during the opening of the casino from how the resort was losing money, he became irate and verbally abusive, including having a family thrown out from the opening. To which, the mob bosses lost their patience with Bugsy."
A shadowy figure with a fedora on and holding a military M1 Carbine rifle appeared at the driveway, aiming the rifle at the living room window where Bugsy is reading a newspaper with an associate.
"It's unknown on who killed Bugsy, but one that is certain is that Bugsy got whacked."
The shadowy figure fired several shots from the rifle at Bugsy's head through the window, before they ditched the scene.
"It can be for several reasons. It could be from Bugsy's excessive spending from the mob with their money. Lansky might have had a hand in approving it, though there was also the chance that it could've been because Bugsy wanted to take out Moe Segway for having control over his finances. Either way, something happened the day after the murder."
Mortimer appears back at the Flamingo, where Moe Sedway, Gus Greenbaum, and another mobster David Berman arrived at the lobby of the Flamingo.
"Bugsy was the founder of the hotel, but after he died, the mob took it off of his cold dead hands and had it under their possession now. They made it clear."
The black-and-white scene of the Flamingo hotel would slowly shift into color.
"As the years went by, the mob would eventually end up out in the Vegas scene. Their history remains, but it's not what the old films would show."
Mortimer would go on to talk about the other mobsters involved with Bugsy's story:
"Moe Sedway thrived off of the Flamingo, where he died from natural causes in 1952. He correctly predicated that the post-war boom would require a need for entertainment, especially after the horrors of World War 2.
David Berman also thrived over the Flamingo, but he died in 1957 from a heart attack during colon surgery. He was also responsible for a skimming operation from the Flamingo with help from Lansky. His wife Gladys died shortly after his death from an overdose of barbiturates, though no one knows if it was a suicide or a mob hit, since she refused to hand control of her husband's hotels over to the mob. Their only child was journalist Susan Berman, who was unfortunately killed in 2000 by major creep and billionaire Robert Durst. Keep rotting in hell, Durst. You prick.
Gus Breenbaum began skimming from the casino operations by his own, though he was going through a lot. His worsening gambling, womanizing, and drug habits caught up to him in the end, to which his embezzlement was discovered by the Chicago mob. They replied to this by killing Gus and his wife in their home in Phoenix, Arizona in 1958. They were found with their throats slit with a butcher knife. Gus was nearly decapitated.
As, for Meyer Lansky, he would still be active, though he would be hiding in Cuba until the Cuban Revolution forced him to head to the Bahamas. One of the reasons on why he had never been arrested other than illegal gambling is because he is said to have sexual blackmail of J. Edgar Hoover, who was a FBI director. They did manage to get Lansky in 1970, when he tried to emigrate to Israel, but that got him for a trial. He was acquitted in 1973. Lansky would pretty much retire to live by himself in his house in Miami Beach, until he died in 1983. Infamously, he was said to have lost everything in money, despite supposedly having nearly a billion dollars in hidden accounts. It was believed that he lost his money in Cuba, though he was still considered to be one of the most powerful gangsters of all time."
Mortimer would end up back in the present with regular tourists and patrons around.
"So the question remains. Is the Flamingo still as good as it is in the past? Well...."
"As the years went by, the mob would eventually end up out in the Vegas scene. Their history remains, but it's not what the old films would show."
Mortimer would go on to talk about the other mobsters involved with Bugsy's story:
"Moe Sedway thrived off of the Flamingo, where he died from natural causes in 1952. He correctly predicated that the post-war boom would require a need for entertainment, especially after the horrors of World War 2.
David Berman also thrived over the Flamingo, but he died in 1957 from a heart attack during colon surgery. He was also responsible for a skimming operation from the Flamingo with help from Lansky. His wife Gladys died shortly after his death from an overdose of barbiturates, though no one knows if it was a suicide or a mob hit, since she refused to hand control of her husband's hotels over to the mob. Their only child was journalist Susan Berman, who was unfortunately killed in 2000 by major creep and billionaire Robert Durst. Keep rotting in hell, Durst. You prick.
Gus Breenbaum began skimming from the casino operations by his own, though he was going through a lot. His worsening gambling, womanizing, and drug habits caught up to him in the end, to which his embezzlement was discovered by the Chicago mob. They replied to this by killing Gus and his wife in their home in Phoenix, Arizona in 1958. They were found with their throats slit with a butcher knife. Gus was nearly decapitated.
As, for Meyer Lansky, he would still be active, though he would be hiding in Cuba until the Cuban Revolution forced him to head to the Bahamas. One of the reasons on why he had never been arrested other than illegal gambling is because he is said to have sexual blackmail of J. Edgar Hoover, who was a FBI director. They did manage to get Lansky in 1970, when he tried to emigrate to Israel, but that got him for a trial. He was acquitted in 1973. Lansky would pretty much retire to live by himself in his house in Miami Beach, until he died in 1983. Infamously, he was said to have lost everything in money, despite supposedly having nearly a billion dollars in hidden accounts. It was believed that he lost his money in Cuba, though he was still considered to be one of the most powerful gangsters of all time."
Mortimer would end up back in the present with regular tourists and patrons around.
"So the question remains. Is the Flamingo still as good as it is in the past? Well...."
Mortimer stands in a gift shop in the Flamingo, where he is surrounded by-
"Everything is fucking pink! There's kids that go to school in pink also, but this is smothering in it!" Mortimer picked up a stuffed flamingo. "Everything is flamingo-themed to ad nauseam. Even the trash cans are pink! For the hotel rooms, they are still neat, since they are still trying to keep this building from going into life support. The rooms do originally have TVs installed in the bathroom mirrors, but from the research I checked, they seemed to have discontinued it after COVID."
Mortimer stands among the real-life flamingos in the wildlife habitat.
"Las Vegas isn't known for any zoos, since... AHEM, California. There are still some rare minor ones here in Las Vegas that are popular. This part of the courtyard out here reeks of bird." Mortimer points to a flamingo just chilling. "Because it's a flamingo-themed hotel, they need flamingos. Obviously. Though, there are some koi fish here to give it some variety. The problem that I have, however, is that the flamingos do look a little miserable, probably since it's a small exhibit and not organized like a full-fledged zoo."
Mortimer appears in the middle of the pool in the Flamingo. "You will still be surprised to know that, despite its age, the Flamingo still has a popular pool. The desert heat tends to get people to soak, but a lot of patrons do show up here to party or mess around. And as for popular eats at this hotel... I would only recommend the Margaritaville."
"Everything is fucking pink! There's kids that go to school in pink also, but this is smothering in it!" Mortimer picked up a stuffed flamingo. "Everything is flamingo-themed to ad nauseam. Even the trash cans are pink! For the hotel rooms, they are still neat, since they are still trying to keep this building from going into life support. The rooms do originally have TVs installed in the bathroom mirrors, but from the research I checked, they seemed to have discontinued it after COVID."
Mortimer stands among the real-life flamingos in the wildlife habitat.
"Las Vegas isn't known for any zoos, since... AHEM, California. There are still some rare minor ones here in Las Vegas that are popular. This part of the courtyard out here reeks of bird." Mortimer points to a flamingo just chilling. "Because it's a flamingo-themed hotel, they need flamingos. Obviously. Though, there are some koi fish here to give it some variety. The problem that I have, however, is that the flamingos do look a little miserable, probably since it's a small exhibit and not organized like a full-fledged zoo."
Mortimer appears in the middle of the pool in the Flamingo. "You will still be surprised to know that, despite its age, the Flamingo still has a popular pool. The desert heat tends to get people to soak, but a lot of patrons do show up here to party or mess around. And as for popular eats at this hotel... I would only recommend the Margaritaville."
Mortimer stands in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip.
He looks ominously at the reader.
"Before we continue, we must consult with them hip tourists on their thoughts on Vegas."
Halftime Rapid-Fire Show - Mortimer on the Street
Mortimer asks some young girl on her thoughts on Vegas.
"What is Vegas to you?"
"Uhhh..." she's only in line to get sprinkles for her ice cream.
Mortimer immediately dumps a bucket of sprinkles onto her.
"What is it to you?"
"It's in my hair..."
He looks ominously at the reader.
"Before we continue, we must consult with them hip tourists on their thoughts on Vegas."
Halftime Rapid-Fire Show - Mortimer on the Street
Mortimer asks some young girl on her thoughts on Vegas.
"What is Vegas to you?"
"Uhhh..." she's only in line to get sprinkles for her ice cream.
Mortimer immediately dumps a bucket of sprinkles onto her.
"What is it to you?"
"It's in my hair..."
Mortimer tries to interview two women in showgirl dresses.
"What is Vegas to you?"
"It's more of a Vice City than anything. We make ends meet." one of the women tells Mortimer.
"Can I share my own thoughts to two of the beautiful women I see so far?" Mortimer said to them.
Suddenly, Mortimer leans forward and screams manically towards the women, scaring them off.
"What is Vegas to you?"
"It's more of a Vice City than anything. We make ends meet." one of the women tells Mortimer.
"Can I share my own thoughts to two of the beautiful women I see so far?" Mortimer said to them.
Suddenly, Mortimer leans forward and screams manically towards the women, scaring them off.