Survival Of The Fittest

Meredith listened to Jessica, looking as noncommital as she could about the whole situation. When the other girl had finished talking, she thumbed her iPod again, turning the music back on. With a tilt of her head, she indicated a spot around the side of the school.

"We should get out of the eyes of the mundanes." she said gloomily, "The mundanes like to judge and they're pathetic enough not to think twice about crucifying us."

With that, she turned towards the (very slightly) hidden spot next to the dumpsters that she'd indicated earlier. Leaning against the wall, she pulled a fresh pack of cigarettes from her bag and tossed it at Jessie.

"Go ahead. Knock yourself out. You prolly wanna smoke the whole pack. It'll take you away from the crap that makes you wanna cut yourself." she said simply, "I'll light them up for you if you don't wanna do it yourself."

Jessica looked in the direction that Meredith pointed. She nodded. It seemed like the best decision - no reason to go talking about these depresssing details while people were around. She gave a shrug, digging her hands into the small pockets of her jeans. biting her lip as she looked back at the groups of kids exiting the school in loads.

The mundanes? Well, they were preeety mundane. Not that that was bad. "Alright... lead the way Merry." She smiled slightly. She was never going to let that name go...

As they walked over to the hidden spot near the dumpsters, Meredith seemed to pull a box of cigarettes out from literally nowhere and threw it in her direction. Jessica threw her hands out as she tried to catch it. She managed to, almost missing it completely. Nice reflexes. Jessica sighed.

Jessica looked down at the cigarettes. Wait... what did she want her to do? Smoke the whole pack? Like smoke each individual cigarette one after the other? Or... smoke it all at the same time? This stopped the girl in her tracks and she just looked at her goth thread with a strange look of confusion.

"... the WHOLE pack?" She said skeptically. "Is that... a good idea?"

Meredith shrugged in yet another, slightly different non-committal way.

"Sure, why not. Smoking makes you feel dead inside just like letting the blood out makes you feel alive outside. We're all dead inside anyway, smoking's just a slower way to go." She leaned against the building, watching her friend fumble and drop the pack of cigarettes.

She pulled out her lighter, waiting for Jessica to hold one of the cigarettes up for her to light. At the same time, she pulled her headphones over her ears, the noise of her music blocking out further sounds.

Normally, she wouldn't do this sort of thing, but Jessica was one of those people that Meredith kindasorta cared about. Well, if she cared about anything at all. If Meredith knew anything about Jessica, it was that she was about to learn a lesson about smoking.

"You'll want to really breathe that stuff in deep, fill your lungs with it. Then blow it out your nose." Meredith mumbled, "The cloud just fills the air like dark thoughts. It pollutes, but we're already a pollution."

She looked Jessica over for a moment, "Your plastic smile is as fake as everyone else in the world, so why do you even bother with it? You can tell me about whatever. I don't really care."

"Yesterday, I was doing the dishes." Jessica gulped, rubbing the back of her neck. She really wasn't comfortable about all of this, but it wasn't like she had a choice. She had to get it out of her system. "I cut myself on my pinkie. Was just being careless." She held up her hand a little meekly. "The blood was like pouring out. So I drop the knife and just hold the cut and the blood is just pouring out. But... shit, you're going to think I'm crazy for saying this but it actually felt good in a strange way." She hesitated, lighting the cigarette quickly.

"I don't know Merr.... Meredith." Jessica looked at the old gash on her small finger, blinking. "I don't know what to think. I want to shrug it off and say that everyone nowadays has the desire to cut themselves at least once. I want to believe that there's nothing wrong with me but this is some seriously fucked up shit. Have I become so depressed that pain seems like an appropriate escape? I mean this isn't like taking a vacation away from everything, this is me, Jessica, wanting to dance with death because it's the only thing that feels right. Should... I go see a shrink? I wouldn't want to think I'm insane! He isn't going to put me in a straightjacket right? I..."

She sighed, taking the lit cigarette and pushed it in her lips. Her hand shook as she held onto it for dear life. All she had to do was breathe in deep, let it sit and breath out her nose. Pretty damn simple right? So she took a deep breath in. She could literally feel the smoke moving in her mouth and she kept it held for a second. Problem was that she had forgotten to breath out through her nose. The feeling in her mouth was so foreign that in the back of her mind she thought that the smoke would just move on it's own. She had seen people smoking in movies all the time and it seemed almost natural. Jessica wouldn't have a problem with it. However she did have a probelm - she kept the smoke in too long, killing off all the air that just so happened to be in her lungs. Her cheeks were turning a light shade of purple before she thought to let the smoke back out. She opened her mouth, holding onto her cigarette as a large cloud of smoke flew out. She coughed violently, shuddering, gasping for air.

"W...What the fuck?!" Jessica cried once she found her air.

Meredith was at a loss of what to do. Despite her passive-aggressive loner demeanour, Meredith was a born follower. The way she acted and looked was merely the result of following the herd in an already established subculture. She lacked the backbone to really go through with rebellious actions, never even smoking the cigarettes she often carried with her.

For some strange reason, Jessica was doing as Meredith asked, landing the goth girl in the awkward position of having to make the decisions. The feeling of being in a position of power, so to speak, was not something that Meredith was comfortable with. Lacking the skill or intelligence to do anything particularly helpful, all Meredith could do was listen quietly as her childhood friend poured her guts out to her. All was fine until Jessica actually asked her a question.

Her mind full of panic, Meredith blurted out the first thing that came to her head.

"You cut your finger and you're obsessing about it? What for? People cut their fingers all the time." she said, "Iunno why you're so worried about it."

As she watched Jessica take a breath of foul, cigarette-enhanced air, she attempted to compose herself to deliver another of her dark and spooky speeches. This time, however, she didn't quite sound as confident in herself, partly because Jessica had started coughing.

"To let the blood out is to confirm that you can bleed. We all bleed. Maybe your heart is bleeding so hard that you want to bleed out the pain." she said. "The pain makes the pain of your heart go away, but it's only a temporary reprieve. To live is to suffer, but we all should have our share of suffering, so we live.... are you okay? You don't look too good."

Jessica looked at Meredith incredulously. No, Meredith wouldn't understand how it felt. How could she? Even though Meredith was a depressing girl, Jessica never figured her for a wrist cutter or anything of the sort. Jessica shook her head, letting out a loud, angry cough.

"You fucking think Merry?!" She screamed, feeling light in the head. "How can you even stand doing that?! Agh." She coughed again, throwing the cigarette on the ground, kicking it away. So much for smoking. It was a shame. Jessica had thought she would look cool with a cigarette in her mouth.

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. The pounding in her head was slowly going way thankfully, though the lump in her throat was still there. She looked over at Meredith, her hands clutching at her knees. "I guess you're right. For a second there I thought you were just rambling for a second there, but life is filled with suffering. We should all have our share of suffering. Maybe that explains it. Maybe I don't think I'm suffering enough, or something." She scratched her head. "Um, yeah... thanks Meredith but I... think I might as well go." She tried to force a smile. "Maybe we could hang out... maybe?"

"Whoa." Meredith said in her dull, toneless voice, "You don't have to swear. You asked for the cigarette, you know."

Meredith pouted slightly, the corners of her mouth sagging a little to show Jessica how disappointed she was at her friend's words. She took a few steps to where the lit cigarette landed.

"You didn't have to be so mean about it." she murmured, "All I wanted to do was to bring some change to your murky soul, replace the loss of your blood with the pollution of your lungs. It will kill you in the end, but we're all slowly dying. There's no need to quicken your death."

Hitching her skirts up a little with her hands, the goth girl stepped on the smoking cigarette with the toe of her heeled boot, grinding it into the dirt to snuff it out. She listened to what Jessica had to say, then thought for a while. In a rather confused way, she tried to give some advice, even if she didn't have any.

"Just by existing, we suffer and there are those who have it worse than we do. Share the suffering by hurting others, share it by hurting yourself - that just makes you another machine, another brick in the wall of pointlessness. If you must bleed, don't bleed your life away." she said, "I guess if you want to share your suffering with me, we can hang out or whatever."

Meredith frowned. She wasn't really sure of what she was trying to tell Jessica, but she hoped that her friend would maybe think about what she said and not cut herself. Well, either that or at least cut herself in a way that was safe and hygienic.

Jessica nodded. This was cool, right? At least Meredith didn't hate her guts completely. Jessica let out a deep sigh. Yes... she did overreact there. It wasn't that bad. It didn't hurt THAT bad. She looked back at Meredith, rubbing her eyes. "Oh, um... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that..." She closed her eyes, waving her away submissively. "I just, well, damn, I guess it takes practice I suppose?"

Jessica just looked back at the school dismissively. She really didn't want to leave but she knew she had to get back home. Jessica had left her cell phone at home and her parents would be upset if she didn't tell them what she was doing. She rubbed her arm gently, taking a step away from Meredith. She sighed again. There was no reason to stay here. Besides, she still felt a little awkward about telling Meredith what she had. Jessica turned back to Meredith and waved.

"Well... it was nice talking to you Merry. You take care of yourself." She gave Meredith a smile before running off.

(Jessica continued in Book pick up)