Survival Of The Fittest

"Oh- uh- okay, here," she said and tried to move her fingers out of the way while he fumbled.

Hazel wanted things to be out of her hands. The tiniest decision in Survival of the Fittest could lead to destruction. When you're a kid everyone makes the decisions, you're just along for the ride. She wanted to be along for the ride, as long as it was with a trusted person. This was one of those people, right?

Memories of other times with Min seeped into her vision. She felt the butterflies when he asked her out behind the restaurant for a smoke. Her heart was beating faster.

"I'll do my best," she said quietly. "Same to you." Despite trying to hold in any noise, trying to be as quiet as possible, she let out the smallest broken fragment of a girlish sigh when he touched her. A pulling feeling in her stomach urged her on and she pushed her chest against him, putting all her weight on him while she moved down to kiss his neck.

Jae let Hazel's weight press him down, leaning back on one arm and tilting his chin up to accommodate her. He kept that arm braced against her, trailing his fingers over the bumps of her spine, and moved the other hand over her breasts, her side, her stomach, trying to gauge her reaction from the soft noises she made. He felt warmer now, as his body reacted to her and urged his mind to give up control for once.

(Not for the first time, but he wouldn't think of that, not now.)

He didn't know all that much about positions or anything like that, but letting Hazel take the lead like this would probably work best with all his injuries. Jae slowly slid down so that he was fully lying on the seat, pressing his lips to her forehead and temple as she kept kissing his skin. He had the fleeting thought that he should be making some kind of more enthusiastic noise than gasping when anything Hazel did really got a reaction, but the mental image of Jordan waking up and seeing them like this put that to rest. He whispered to her instead, little fragments of sentences and her name to urge her on.

Are we going to die?

Her cheeks were feverish and the rise in temperature was spreading throughout her. With different touches and levels of anticipation, points of light lit up throughout her.

Are we going to die?

It was fainter now.

Am I currently in the process of starving to death? Does he care if I haven't shaved my legs for three days?

Gradually, they became horizontal in the back seat with her on top. This was a shared secret. Hazel worked the remaining fabric around his waist down, leaving him covered only at the thighs. One leg went over him and her trailing fingers formed a semicircle grip. She pushed her forehead against his chest like a child seeking comfort and motioned up and down with her hands. Hazel thought about asking a question, but did not want to take the risk of receiving a shattering answer. There wasn't yet that feeling that grabs one by the lungs and squeezes out the breath with how sincerely complete it is to be with someone like she felt with Curtis.

"Ah-" Jae bit down on his lower lip to keep from making any further noise as Hazel touched him - really touched him, in a way nobody else ever had, regardless of drinks or confused encounters at parties.

It was good. It was good. He squeezed his eyes shut and repeated it, over and over.

He wanted her. He had to, his body was telling him so.

He wound his fingers into her hair, urging her head up off his chest to kiss her again. "Do you want to...?" His voice was rough and shaking, and it was a little late to get around to asking, but he needed to know that she needed it too.

Her right hand was trapped, moving between them. Hazel disengaged from a kiss and bit down on her index finger so hard she could feel the bone and thought she might draw blood.

This was right, for sure it was the right choice. In her head a voice told her to keep going, she was doing the right thing here. Hazel tried to swallow, finding her mouth dry. With the conviction of someone about to jump off the roof of a building, she nodded. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, repeated practice of something brought a certain level of skill. Each time she rehearsed a scene, she became better at it. She lowered the last bit of defense down over her thighs. In acting, the skill of the actors is used to evoke an emotion of the audience. The emotion in scarcest supply was happiness. People want the people who care for them to feel happiness, obviously. Hazel only ever wanted to make the people around her happy. Even if she had to hurt herself a little by overlooking their bullying, she didn't say anything to her friends.

A shuddering breath escaped.

"I..."

She moved her left leg to the other side of his hips and ran her thumb over the head, struggling to see his face. Without light, everything was a muddled purple-black color. They stood together at the edge, holding hands and looking into the abyss. Electricity fired off, running from the bottom to the top of her spine as they met.

Their fingers were entwined so tightly it was actually kind of hurting his hand, but he didn't voice a complaint. It was good. It was...

He couldn't keep looking her in the eyes. He let his eyelids slide closed and tried to just follow the sound and the feel of her, hoping that he was moving in a way that was natural. He felt like he should say something, but he couldn't concentrate long enough to string the words together.

Jae tried to keep touching her, brushing his hand over her thigh and up her stomach, doing anything that he vaguely felt like he was supposed to be doing, staring into the darkness instead of Hazel's face when he opened his eyes again.

Things were progressing as they were supposed to, given Min's inexperience. She knew about that. He had told her. Hazel waited to feel that special flame of real emotion that transcended the reaction to physical stimuli. She grasped desperately for it, but found nothing. She rocked forward, moving in waves. A few moments of her efforts passed. He was holding her hand, she was moving, everything was as it should have been. The pieces weren't coming together. She moved faster, squeezed tighter and leaned down for another kiss.

"Min," she breathed out with a slight growl on the N.

Although her skin began to climb the ladder, her bones were cold.

Hazel kissed him again and breathed out his name, and Jae felt like a goddamn idiot because he couldn't think of anything to say but stop and he couldn't say that, not now. Instead he kissed her back to the best of his ability and squeezed her hand, and he hoped more than anything that it was at least good for her.

He thought that maybe he should warn her of how close he was to the edge, but all he could think was stop and I'm sorry so he bit his lips and only made a weak noise, tightening his grip on her hand for just a moment before falling still.

Hazel didn't want to say anything and was so concentrated with the task that she wouldn't have known what to say anyway. Everything was starting to break down and she wasn't sure why. He tensed and went still. She let go of his hand and gripped both sides of his hips for greater leverage.

What if this was the last chance of either of them to ever be happy before the bit it and it was her fault it was getting messed up? Hazel thought that if she tried harder, if she followed her heart and if she had someone who felt the same things would line up. Sure, maybe they hadn't always in the past, but the stakes were never this high. The rocking motion became longer and she leaned farther back and stifled her noises with one hand so that she wouldn't be heard. Hazel leaned forward and uncovered her mouth after a moment.

"Do you love me?" she gasped with her mouth by his ear.

The thing was, he wanted to love her. He wanted everything to make sense and for this to be the right thing for them to do. He'd taken things so far already.

So he turned his head and kissed her and whispered, "Yeah, I do." The sudden peak of feeling was fading now, and Jae was gradually becoming aware of the fact that he was exposed and sweaty, and the friction of Hazel's skin against his suddenly felt uncomfortable. But he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her again, and he tried to mean it.

"You promise to keep in touch?"
"Of course."

"You'll be there won't you? It's next week."
"I wouldn't miss it."


The words were different, but the feeling was the same. Her heart broke and Hazel wasn't certain if it was even worse that it wasn't there for her either. Were they both just too polite? She froze, unsure how to fix what was done or figure out where there had been a misstep. The wound up ball of tension in the pit of her stomach wasn't going to unravel.

With her eyes closed tightly she let him kiss her and embrace her. She felt icy cold all of the sudden and hollow. Hazel was acutely aware of the breezy night air.

"Thanks," she said, mustering up her acting chops to sound sexy and breathy. Hazel cringed inwardly. It was a horrible thing to say post-coitus.

She debated adding in some other word after like "stud" or something more tender like "honey," but left it at that. Hazel exhaled deeply, feeling tired like how she used to feel staying up late to study for a test. It was a heavy, worried sort of tired. She lingered for a moment before rolling to the side and gathering up her discarded clothes.

There needed to be something else Jae could say, something to back it all up. He searched and came up with nothing. Hazel whispered her thanks to him and it sounded like it might have been genuine, but then she sighed and pulled away from him completely.

That was it, then. No fireworks. Not even the comfort they'd both been desperately looking for. Just a few minutes of gasping and sweating in the back of a vehicle, and then Jae laying there with a cold knot of regret in his stomach as the last few shreds of their would-be romance died and dissipated like so much smoke.

He let Hazel have her space before moving to re-dress himself. He didn't want to look directly at her. She lingered for another minute while they said nothing, and then slipped out of the truck and returned to where Jordan lay sleeping. She didn't touch him again, and he almost ached at the lack of the expected friendly brush of her hand over his shoulder.

Jae didn't know how much longer he sat there alone before the enclosed space became stifling. He felt sick at himself, confused, scared, everything he hated feeling. He clenched his fists, ignoring the pain it sent through his injured hand. He hated feeling like this. He hated this situation and the people who had put them here. He hated himself right now, and a tiny part of him hated Hazel too.

That was the last straw. He couldn't stay here, not feeling like that. Step one of any anger management technique he'd ever been walked through: remove yourself from the situation if you can. Jae slowly unfolded himself out of the truck, careful to not make any extra noise. He grabbed his bag and unzipped it as quietly as possible, grabbing a handful of the energy bars they'd been given. He crept over to the other truck where Hazel was now sleeping and left the bars in a haphazard pile next to her. After a moment's thought, he slid his jacket back off and draped it over her like a blanket. A promise.

She'd know he wasn't going away forever. He'd come back, as soon as he calmed down and cleared his head. She had to get it; even with how much they might have messed things up, she'd always understood him better than most. She would understand that right now, he needed to be alone and he needed to be angry. If he was angry enough, he didn't have room to be scared and ashamed.

Jae kept telling himself that, nursing the small sparks of his anger into a flame as he fled into the night.

((Min-jae Parker continued in Into the Veil))

((Jordan Green continued from We're Here Because We're Here))

Jordan wasn't asleep.

He had been, for a while, but it was hard to stay asleep when the seats were hard, the air was cold and the couple that he'd somehow decided that it'd be a great idea to be a third wheel for decided that it would be the best time to go at it like- he didn't want to say rabbits, it sounded far too cliched, but it was the only word he could think of.

But what the fuck was he supposed to do about it? Interrupt them? As if he wasn't already feeling awkward enough just being there. And even if he were to interrupt, what was he supposed to say?

Did they even care that he was here, that he might hear them, that he was hearing them fucking in the back of some truck in the middle of god knew where? Would they even care if he shouted at them?

Oh god, what if they didn't care?

Wouldn't that be worse? It would be worse. Was that why they were doing this?

Nope. Doing anything sounded like a horrible idea. He was just going to lie there, and ignore everything that was going on, hoping that the sounds that somehow managed to get across the gap between the two trucks would end soon enough. He had placed a face towel over his face, hoping that the fabric would have muffled the sounds a little, but all he was doing was making himself even more uncomfortable than he should have been.

But they had to stop eventually, and then everything would be alright.

--

He didn't know when he had managed to fall asleep.

But Jordan had found himself waking up at some miserable hour of the night, his body aching from the umcomfortable sleeping position that he had found himself in.

He had expected to be rudely awoken, whether it was to take the next shift of watch or by the creaking from the next truck over, so it was weird that he had simply woken up by himself. Hazel was lying in the back of the truck, the jacket covering her a reminder that what happened earlier that night wasn't a figment of his imagination.

There was no way he was falling back asleep right now, so he quietly left the truck, doing his best not to wake her up.

He knocked lightly on the door of the other truck.

"Hey, you can get some rest now. I'm gonna take the next watch."

But the truck was empty, no one there, no bag, no sign that anyone had been there but the smell of sweat.

He was gone. Missing. Even his bag was gone.

What had happened? People didn't just disappear for no reason.

Was he in trouble? Were they in trouble?

"Jay?" The question echoed through the garage for a moment.

There was no reply, and Jordan suddenly felt as if he was completely alone in the garage.

"Hazel?"

He had rushed back to the truck.

She would know what to do better than him, right?

"Hazel, I can't find him!"

Hazel picked her things up and put her clothes back on. She felt more alone than ever and without looking at Min, went back to her spot in back of the car near Jordan. Tears started trickling down her face. Part of her hoped Min would hear her crying and maybe come check on her and they could talk things out, but another part was terrified of that exact scenario and wanted to just be left there. Crying always tuckered her out more than anything though and she fell asleep quickly.

Hours later the bright light of morning found its way into the vehicle depot.  

Hazel blinked her eyes a few times and was pulled out of sleep by hearing her name. Wasn't someone supposed to have woken her up for her shift? She rubbed her eyes and Jordan's hazy frame started to take shape.

Slowly, she sat up and tried to push down her hair. A jacket slipped off of her. She caught it by the sleeve and looked around. Her eyebrows came up in concern and she frowned slightly.

"Jordan..."

Hazel realized what he was asking and she looked around frantically. Nothing was left of Min besides a few energy bars. She picked one up and looked at Jordan, eyes welling up a again.

"I think he left," she said quietly, still holding a food bar. She dropped it and slid out of the back of the car, sniffling a bit.

"Can we please go?" she asked, eyes on the ground.

((Hazel Jung continued in Woof Woof, I'm a Dog Kill Your Friends))

"We're not going to look for him?"

Jordan had expected her to panic too. He hadn't expected this. This didn't look like surprise, fear, panic, none of the emotions that he had expected were there. Only what sounded like disappointment in Hazel's voice as she stared at the ground.

Why would anyone just leave like that in the middle of the night? Leaving his girlfriend behind no less. What would it take for someone to decide that after reuniting with someone the best idea was to have sex and then disappear again? Was he really that much of a jerk to think that this was okay?

But despite everything he was thinking, Jordan said nothing else, unable to decide on anything to say. There were too many thoughts, worries, ideas, and they all floated through his head and refused to settle down for longer than a moment.

The silence dragged for a moment too long.

Hazel wasn't going to say anything else and he wasn't going to ask anything and they were in this stupid impasse where each passing moment made it even more awkward to say anything else.

She knew why he'd gone. Jordan was sure of that. Something must have happened last night, and he was sure that it would explain everything. And yet he couldn't bring himself to ask her what had happened.

Part of it was being nice, of she didn't want to talk about what had happened last night of her own accord, who was he to ask? And yet more of it was fear, fear that he'd say something stupid, fear that'd he'd make her feel worse, fear that'd he'd let her find out that he knew what had happened last night.

"Fine, we'll go," he said finally, his exasperation clear in his voice. He didn't need an answer anyway. He couldn't undo anything that had happened, he could only just pick up the pieces and carry on.

((Jordan Green continued in Woof Woof, I'm a Dog. Kill your Friends.))