Survival Of The Fittest

((Nick LeMonde continued from Full Circle))

((Thread cap exceeded with permission))

Nick sheepishly pulled on his dirty t-shirt. It was a bloody, dirty rag but it was all that he'd had in the way of clothes and he wasn't really fond of being without clothes for too long. It was a left over from when he'd been heavier as a child. Kids would tease him at the beach and during gym and though he'd gotten down to a healthy size with diet and wrestling in high school, it was an insecurity he couldn't shake.

Now fully clothed, he laid his head on his bag which he'd been using as a pillow. The dawn was just about to come. The sun wasn't up yet but it was just one notch up from the total darkness of night. Nick rolled slightly to his left and put his hand over the smaller hand resting on the ground. He smiled.

She smiled back.

The trio had left the parish and headed straight down to the residential district in search of supplies. They scanned the businesses for extra supplies and happened upon some bread and water. In a bar they found a dead red head with a sack full of dynamite and Teo pocketed the explosives. They briefly thought about using a house for shelter but heard fighting and decided to keep moving. It was night when they reached the cliffs. With the cliffs behind them no one could flank them at least and they had three range weapons. It wasn't a bad position, so they set camp for the night with one person keeping watch every few hours.


Nick was an hour into his shift when a whisper tugged at him. Jessica couldn't sleep. No, he didn't mind the company, though she should really have gotten some sleep. But she couldn't.

She fit her head perfectly into the crook of his neck and asked for stories to calm her. She was blushing, but in the dark he couldn't see. He told her long winding stories that had no point or that he'd long forgot the point of. Most often when he did this, people started to ignore him or would wander off, but she stayed and listened. Most people told him his history stories were boring, but she sat by his side, patient and warm and listened.

At some point she caught him looking at her and their gazes connected. Her eyes had some unfathomable expression in them; one that he would never have been able to guess the meaning of, but he thought whatever it was, it made her beautiful. He leaned down, driven by the impulse to have proof he wasn't alone. She silently accepted and their lips met.

Her arm wrapped around the back of his head with the bend of her elbow resting against his neck. His arm slid around her waist, drawing her near. With every touch, she spurred him on, and the further he was spurred, the bolder his touch became.

Until…

Until


"Nick."

He blinked and looked at her, lying across from him.

"What are you thinking?" she murmured.

He squeezed her hand. What was he thinking? More often than not, he was just thinking about nothing, or about books or about news he read, though that wasn't it this time.

"We could have had it all."

(Jessica Pentangeli continued from Full Circle)

The waves of green had brushed across her cheek so many times that it burned. It stood out amongst the other feelings, the other powerful burnings in the pit of her chest. She couldn't think. She could only feel. Everything and nothing. The only sound that stood out was Nick's voice and her muffled urges. Her voice felt hollow, as if she were panting inside of a cave. Her eyes teared up, she bit her lip and she tried to straddle Nick with her legs, despite her position. Her nails and her hair found the dirt beneath her. Pain mixed with joy. Love mixed with lust.

And for a century everything was perfect. Because no matter how much she tried to scold herself or berate her own actions, this was hers. She did this.

And yet she didn't sleep. Jessica was so tired, so fucking tired. The happiness that found it's way into her heart was overwhelming her and she just wanted to find a bed and rest. Yet she was wide awake.

Her heart thumped.




"Nick?"

She needed him to tell her that this was real. Help me Nick, I'm stuck in a dream and I can't get out. She didn't say that though.

"What are you thinking?"

His response stabbed her. The wound was deep and painful, and for a moment Jessica felt the urge to cry. She kept it bottled up. She didn't want to cry in her dream.

"Nick - "

"I love you - " of course she didn't say that.

"You're everything to me - " she didn't say that either.

Both were on the tip of her tongue, threatening to bust free. Then Jessie bottled all of it up. It was nothing new. This wasn't something that she had come to learn about herself that she never noticed before. She always knew that she was a coward. She had no spine. She drove everyone away, even her best friend. Except Nick. She wasn't planning on letting him go. And yet she couldn't bare to tell him the truth. Even after what had happened it rang true. Even after realizing she was dreaming, she wouldn't dare tell him. That was how truly spineless she was. She mentally spat at herself.

She was still worried. Would her parents feel disgusted? Would they disown her? Would nothing ever be the same? Was she dirty? How did Nick feel? Was he worried?

Of course, these weren't the questions Jessica wanted answers to.

She stared into his eyes and swallowed her tongue.

"What do you think... death is like?"

Nick put one large arm around Jessica and pulled her in close. His fingers trailed over the dip of her hips, caressing the smooth skin.

We're doomed, he thought, suddenly in response to her question.

The rules didn't change. All go in and one comes out. It couldn't be him and Jessica together. Teo had known that, hadn't he? Her heart beat was so strong and steady against his side. Strong muscles of her bare back strained against his touch like she was uneasy. If she made the slightest movement, his heart jumped. He'd only been with Clio before now and she was nothing like Jessica. There was that wall between him and Clio but Jessica had offered up her heart and soul. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He wasn't sure if he'd done the same for her.


But she'd asked what he thought death was like. Why did she do that?


Maybe she was afraid. Maybe she figured out like he had that one of them had to die, if not both. He didn't want her to be afraid, but there was nothing he could really do to assuage such a legitimate fear. His fingers gripped her hip now, tightly. It hurt terribly to think that she was afraid and there was nothing he could really do for her.


"I think it's maybe like jumping into a pool. You're scared at first, but then once you take that last breath and go, it's light and calm and peaceful."


He just wanted her to not be scared anymore.

Nick's answer filled her with relief, but it wasn't enough. Her mind was spinning now. Her breasts pressed against his side, her head dipping.

"... scared."

Jessica thought. She sighed.

"I'm scared of everything Nick." She said. "I worry about the smallest things. I'm paranoid over how people think of me. I don't think I do anything right. Everything makes me jump. I - " She pressed her chin against his jaw. "Sometimes I get scared whenever my hair falls in front of my face. My heart pounds and I freak out. I guess I.... I'm... Just a coward. I-I always have been."

She closed her eyes.

"But death has never really scared me. I guess I never thought about it. I never cared." Jessica twirled a finger around a lock of hair. "I figured I wouldn't have to worry about it." She paused. Gasped. "I-I mean, I don't want to die - " She wheezed. "I really don't want to die, not now. Not after..." She stopped. "But I never really understood death. I just figured it was something that happened to other people... something I shouldn't be concerned with."

Jessica paused. Her hand ran against his chest. She felt an urge in the pit of her chest. She blushed, pressing her lips against his cheek.

That was when her eyes started to water.

"But now... I'm not just scared Nick. I'm terrified. T - I'm - Terrified of losing everything! I didn't even know I had anything until we..." She trailed off. "I-I just don't want to go back to having nothing. I had nothing when I was in high school. I was a scared little girl with no friends. I sat in the back of the room and never spoke to anyone. No one knew my name. No one cared except Alex." She sniffed. "I wanted to die. I really did. But I was too much of a coward to go through with it..."

Hesitation.

"Then you came, I met you and I - and I- Everything felt right, you were perfect, and we met at the pie shop every week and I didn't want it to ever end. You were so positive and people liked you. When anyone thought you were weird, you didn't care. It's like nothing ever got to you. And that's what I wanted. I wanted to be you. Positive, well-liked... nice. Not a coward." She quivered. "I wanted to tell you that I admire you but I was scared of what you'd think... but I figured I'd have my whole life... but..."

She swallowed. The tears came again.

"... but then I woke up on this island and I was so scared! I didn't know what to do! I stayed with Alex but then she went off and died and I was alone! And - And - and..."

She wheezed, head buried in Nick's neck. She was so pathetic.

"But it's okay now! It's okay, right? You're with me. Now that we're together, like this, it means you care. You're here. S-So I'm not going to be terrified. You're the only thing that matters Nick. If you weren't around, I'd have no reason to..."

Live? But she couldn't think of that. Not in front of Nick.

"You'll stay with me, right? You won't leave me like Alex... you would never do that..."

She went silent. Took a breath.

"... right?"

Nick's grip on her went slack. His eyebrows knitted together in a look of confusion and he looked far off at the distance, though he wasn't looking at anything at all.

He was so confused. He never knew any of this about Jessica. He always just thought she was a nice, sweet, shy girl who liked to talk and hang out. He had no idea she though her life was so awful and he certainly didn't know the place that he held for her. He'd never noticed. How could he notice? He knew that he couldn't see people the way others could. He felt terrible that he never noticed or had the slightest inkling of how miserable she was.


Nick felt like he'd been watching a shadow play and now someone had pulled the curtain back so he could see the show in full view. He'd known all along that he would have problems reading people since he was diagnosed as a kid, but now he felt like he'd failed her by it.


I'm so stupid. Why can't I ever tell when people are....when they.....I don't even know. I can't even phrase the thing that I'm missing.

Frustration led to guilt.


She cared so much for him and she'd opened herself up to him completely. She'd pretty much said he was all that she had and her only reason for living. Even in the best circumstances he didn't think he could return that. He cared for her and he liked her and if things were different he would stay with her and they would date and see if they could have a future together, but he couldn't imagine another person being everything to him. He had a good life. He had a loving family and good interests and lots of friends and a bright future.

Or at least he did. It was all gone now. The island had taken everything from him except Jessica.


Nick attempted to disentangle himself from the flurry of thoughts and feelings concerning this girl and while he did all that came out was


"Jessi....."

But Jessie was on top of Nick, staring him straight in the eyes. When he turned away, she tried to turn with him so that the only thing he could stare at was her. She couldn't sense his reluctance. All she could feel or understand was his feelings for her. He cared. He really did.

"N-Nick," She held his arms, brushing her chin against his jaw. "I don't want to die. But I don't want to live without you. If you leave, I'll just wither and die! We can't be separated, don't you see?"

The pitch of her voice heightened.

"Don't you see Nick? We can't let anyone kill us! Then we'd be alone!"

Her expression was pale. She sounded scared.

"I want us to be together forever. I want you, like I wanted you then. You've made me feel things I couldn't even describe! I want us to be together, to feel these things!"

Jessica was shaking now. She was almost screaming.

"And the only way we can do that is if we end it together!"

Jessie clutched Nick's arm tight enough to draw blood.

"You know that right? It's the only way! We can't let this game break us! Ending it ourselves is the only way we can truly live! Please see what I mean!"

He was startled when she'd grabbed his face and turned him to her. She'd never been this aggressive before with him, or really with anything, ever. She was manic. Her eyes were wide and fierce, drilling into his.

Her grip was possessive and scared. They'd switched. Before he'd held on tight to her, afraid that she'd run when he found out what he did. He was a murderer. Now she was digging into him, trying to make sure they were never separated. If she held on tight enough, death wouldn't part them.


Her earnest pleadings were tinged with the desperation of a wild animal, but there could be nothing more honest than something wild and scared. There was no deception in her and upon analysis of her words, she was correct.

They could never stay together as they were. The game was the game, only one could live. If they wanted to stay together, they had to die. She didn't want the game to change and warp them. If they were killed, they would win out over the game. What was the purpose of the game other than to turn everyone in monsters?

Nick wasn't sure there was a point to trying to save him. He'd already been twisted into something terrible. Jessica was still good, though. She could still be saved and kept as the girl from back home. She was all that home was.

In death, there was freedom. Beyond the darkness was the dream of heaven.


"We can't both survive," he said quietly to the girl who was inches from his face.

Jessica nodded. She couldn't have agreed more. Nick was right, so right, absolutely rihgt.

"We can't survive."

So they had to die.

Die.

Die. Death was a foreign concept, something that Jessica didn't truly understand. It truly scared her. She didn't care. As long as Nick was there with her.

If she and Nick could be together, Jessica would be happy.

Jessica knew of a place. They were close to a cliff, they had passed by it earlier. Jessica desperately pulled the cloth of her shirt over her head, flicking her tongue over her teeth. She couldn't go walking around without clothes. No. Not in front of Nick.

Her cheeks flushed. She remembered of her previous hours. Her heart pounded.

"I - " love you, she didn't say that though, " - want to be with you. You are so nice Nick - "

She grabbed his arm.

"So let's do it Nick. There's a cliff, we can end it there. Just do it without thinking. We can beat this game, we can do it together."

She started to pull. He was too heavy to pull up all by herself, but she tried.

She hoped for everything.

"Please..."

Nick smiled just a tiny bit when she pulled him up. It was like she was hurrying him to a picnic or something. They were going to be late if he didn't get up and she was pulling him and wearing that lovely smile. She was telling him she loved him over the camp fire and balloons and celebrations they were supposed to be at. Graduation trip. Congrats, grads!

Before he realized it, his eyes were filling with tears. He almost never cried.

She deserved only good things. Jessica was tugging him up by the hand and he followed her. She was dirty and smelled of the earth and sweat, but there was that thin scent of lavender from her shampoo still.

"I want you to be happy."

They stood at the edge of the cliff looking down at the ocean. His hand was on the small of her back. She was going to get that dream of heaven. He, however, was a murderer. If they died together now, they'd be apart for the rest of eternity. If he had any hope of going with her, he had to stay. He had to atone and suffer for what he'd done. He knew she wouldn't go alone though. She'd only go if he went with her.

He had to let go of her now if she was going to keep that wonderful spirit and innocence before the game had a chance to steal it.

He would die. He just had to make up for things first.

The sun was rising. He squeezed her hand briefly and then let go.

There was no death by sleep. There were no lullabies, no embraces. The end was not peaceful.

It ended in a brutally loud crack that shook the rock beneath Jessica Pentangeli's weight. Head first. Neck snapped like a twig in three separate directions. Fractions to the head, leaving a gaping wound. Blood spilled, not gallons but enough to mark where she landed. Died instantly. On impact the body flew forward, flying off the edge of the rock, into the waves below. A hour later, the tide would finally manage to pull her body free of the boulder, and drift the corpse off into the ocean. No evidence. Her body would never be found again.

She couldn't have known any of this. In her mind, she imagined splattering like a tomato thrown to the floor. A terrible mess. Juice everywhere. She was worried someone would mind the mess. Or maybe nothing would happen. She would just drown. Funny. She was worried whether the waves would manage to weigh her down. She was a worrisome child. As if her death were somehow inconveniencing everyone else.

That was Jessica. She was paranoid. Afraid of doing the wrong things. Afraid that no one liked her. Afraid of everything.

It was too much to expect Jessica to grow a spine in her final seconds. The final seconds that felt like hours.

Jessica's mind was plagued. She couldn't turn her attention to anything else but...

Nick.

Nick had promised her. He had promised her. That was what she couldn't believe. Didn't he... they... they fucked on the grass for christssake! Did that mean anything to him?! Did he use her?! Did he ever really care about her!?! Jessica felt dirty, and she worried if everyone else was going to think she was a whore. Of course she worried, she always worried.

She wasn't mad though. Saddened. Feeling useless. Not mad though. What would anger serve her? Nick meant too much to her...

Jessica almost laughed. She really was a fucking idiot.

Everything you know is gone Jessie. A lie. All that's left is to close your eyes.

She almost did too, but -

that's when she heard it.

Nick's voice.

A shout. She could hear it so clearly.

She managed to look up with the slightest turn of the head. Nick was still standing there. Staring down at her. Then her head turned, and it was impossible to keep looking.

And for once, Jessica understood. She stopped worrying.

Yes. Yes, she would see him again. And until that day arrived, she would be willing to wait for an eternity.

She mouthed a timid phrase, three words, love-struck, aimed at the boy she spent so long thinking about, knowing full well that it would never reach his ear.

You know how this ends.

If it's any consolation, her end was quick and painless.

A flash of hesitation.

Give me one more minute.

I just want one more.

"Jessa!"

He reached out to grab her, but she was already flying. His fingers brushed against the last few whips of her hair, fluttering behind her, weightless.

Like waking up from a dream, she was gone in an instant. He came to his senses for long enough to remember to tell her that important thing he wanted to say.

"Wait for me, Jess!" he shouted after her.

He'd be with her soon. He just had some things to take care of first. But then they'd be together. He found he didn't care so much about going home anymore. He was home when he was with her.

Jessica disappeared under the waves. He hadn't noticed until now, but he seemed to be crying. He could just make out the drops rolling over his cheek and out of his vision. He shook and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Soon. I'll find you again. And then we'll be happy," he tried to convince himself. He couldn't breathe. He sniffed and choked, coughing violently. For a moment he thought he might throw up.

It felt empty without being able to touch her. The slight smell of lavender was still on his shirt from her holding onto him tightly. He closed his eyes, looked down and sobbed quietly, holding his own hand and imagining it was hers.

This was the whole point of him staying behind. To suffer. To make up for the suffering he'd caused. He was willing to stay behind in this hell if there was a chance that after, maybe they'd find a way back to each other again.

((Teo Weinstock continued from Full Circle))

Teo eyes snapped open. Nothing had woken him up and he'd slept like a baby. Normally this would of been good news for him, but given the current situation this was bad, very bad. Nick was supposed to have relieved him for guard duty when it was still dark.

It was not still dark.

He grabbed the crossbow nestled at his side and rolled in to a crouch. His body was slow, still waking up, and every joint ached from his sleep. The small clearing by the cliffs where they had made camp was quiet. Belongings had been left at the camp, no one had run off. Stepping to his feet Teo looked around. He didn't think Nick would of just simply left him but Jessica... now that was another story. A quick thought crossed his mind.

They were probably fucking. Hell, if he thought he was going to die he would of done the same. Teo smiled slightly. The difference was, he knew he was going to win. What with the amount of students remaining he was sure he was going to get out of this one. He had thrown away the old pad and had now replaced it with a simple list of names. The students who were still alive. Given his own state at present he was certain barring some stupid mistake he would be the winner here. Regardless, his current priority was to search for Nick right now.

It was then he heard the shout. So faint on the wind, but enough to recognise the voice. Teo broke in to a ungainly lope, his legs still waking from his sleep. There Nick was, his erstwhile companion, standing on the edge of the cliff looking down. Teo's heart skipped a beat. What was Nick doing, he wasn't seriously...? No way...

Teo sprinted to Nick's form as the boy in front of him moved his foot. Was Nick seriously stupid enough to kill himself this late, this close to the end? His firm hands grabbed around Nick and pulled him back from the edge. The wrestler just went with him. Not struggling or pushing back at all. The ground rose up to meet him as Teo stumbled back, caught off balance by the expectation of Nick resisting. The impact was soft and he pushed himself off the ground furiously.

"What the hell Nick? What are you thinking? Where the fuck is that slut Jessica?"

Nick looked back at him, fury in his bleary eyes, his face covered in tears, his fist clutched tight, as if to hold on to something no longer there. Teo took a step back and turned his head slightly in warning.

"Nick. Don't."

Nick fell like a sack of bricks. Someone yanked him backwards while he was lost in his thoughts and in moments he was staring up at the sky, flat on his back. The sun had finally risen and cast an orange glow over the island. He was pulled out of his daze slightly when he realized someone else's limbs were sprawled on him and scrambling to collect themselves.

Teo was next to him, mouthing off angrily and getting back up. Nick sat up but did not move to stand.

"Shut up. You're a jerk," he mumbled.

"Jessica's g-"

His voice cracked. He stopped, coughed and cleared his throat. A few more tears fell from his eyes. "She's gone."

Nick was done. Teo could see it in his eyes, the way his shoulders sagged. The boy was defeated - dead weight and no more use. Hell, he'd probably just slow Teo down now. He didn't like the way this had ended, but it was too much of a risk to stay with Nick now. Unreliable, prone to outbursts, murder. He was no longer 'safe.'

"Nick," Teo said as he stepped away. "I think it's time we split up." He glanced over his shoulder as he turned to leave. "You made a poor decision. Don't let your emotions get in the way. You were a good ally Nick, and for that, I hope we don't meet again."

Teo wanted to say something more. The moment felt important, like someone should clap, or a speech given. He didn't have time for this. He checked the list again, crossing Jessica off from the ever dwindling list of students still alive.

So close to the end, there was no way he could lose.

He left Jessica's rucksack with Nick, this was the endgame, travel light and win the game. No long speeches, no hesitation. He'd been home soon for better or for worse. Winning was all that mattered now.

When you play, play to win.

((Teo Weinstock continued in The Theory of Competition))

Nick sat staring out over the cliff at the ocean. He didn't look back at Teo during his good bye. His eyes seemed to be glazed, as if they were staring off into forever.

Teo was right, he had made a mistake. He realized now that when he was Jessica, he was the best of himself. He was caring and warm and gentle and kind and he felt like he was home again. Jessica made him the best that he was. Maybe that's what love is. Maybe real love is two people that make each other the absolute best version of themselves possible.

Teo was the opposite of that feeling. With Teo, Nick realized he was always trying to live up to some expectation and always falling short. He wasn't fast enough, he wasn't ruthless enough or strong enough for what Teo wanted. All those things that Jessica loved about him were weaknesses to Teo and it made him so angry that he had thought it was important to try and prove himself to this other person just because he approached him and wanted to form a partnership. Not being good enough, he didn't like that feeling. He made him believe there was only one way home and Jessica taught him there was another way. Home wasn't a place in St. Paul, it was a feeling, and when he was with her, he felt it.


All the same, it was nice that Teo didn't want to have to be the one to kill Nick and so he was choosing to go off on his own.


"I hope you find your way back home" Nick called to him.

He lay back and closed his eyes. He woke up some time later, alone. He didn't really want to leave this place that was so full of memories. He felt like maybe he hadn't appreciated all those things he had before now. There were cameras. Did he have something to say?


Nick looked up at one of the ubiquitous cameras.


"I love you."


It was for his family, but also for her, whom he never said it to. It was for everyone who'd lost someone in this game and for everyone who would still.

He picked up his pack and Jessica's and walked.


((Nick LeMonde continued in Glitter and Rot))