Survival Of The Fittest

"I need some right now. It's not the fact that you've let me down, Jerry, it's more the fact that you've let everyone down. This theatre could have been ringing with the music of the spheres, instead of that, a dreadful silence has descended upon us. I should have done it myself. I knew it from the first time I saw you."

Rudy stepped around the rather empty drama room, which nobody was using at the moment other than him. He was practising a play nobody was going to perform. Tristan had lent him the book of an Australian comedy play called "Cosi", which involved a guy named Lewis trying to get a bunch of mentally ill patients from an asylum to stage a play of Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte, in the middle of the events of the Vietnam War. Rudy found it a rather amusing play. He was playing the part of Roy, the patient that suggested doing Cosi Fan Tutte, and someone who was practically obsessed with the theatre.

"Oh, I get it, if the production had been a success it was all because of you. If it had flopped, it wasn't your fault. How very, very directional. Like Hitler, 'Oh my God, you mean to tell me we're fighting on the Russian front and we're losing? Why didn't someone tell me we had three million troops in Russia?' But I won't go on, you'll probably put me in the closed ward."

He looked towards the door, pretending another actor was taking the stage just as he said that. He liked doing this sort of thing. It helped make him more convincing when he talked people into going along with his plans.

"Don't criticise Mussolini here, or it's the closed ward for you."

Rudy laughed, and continued on. Roy's further comments throughout the scene mostly composed of mocking Lewis and anyone else, as well as making comments on giving Lewis a poke. Then came Nick, whom Roy reckoned was the better director, before Nick stormed off in a puff. Rudy closed the scene with...

"Needs a poke. Very tense."

He grinned, closing the book. Pulled off without a hitch. Right now, suggesting to the rest of the drama class to do Cosi as the next school play didn't sound too bad to him.

But why the hell did the play have to be about LOVE, of all things? It reminded him of his mother's death. He honestly wanted to move on, but something at the back of his mind told him he had to reconsider. But the concept of an intimate relationship seemed alien to him. Sure, he had girlfriends previously, but none of them got any emotional or intimate. No wonder they never lasted. He lay back on the wall, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do. How could he find a lasting relationship with anyone? "Women's constancy is like the Arabian Phoenix... Everyone swears it exists, but no one has seen it. Same could be said of men, really..."

((Asher Kerrington continued from Sparse))

"That's pretty deep, Rudy."

Asher had made his way from the cafetorium to the drama room, expecting it to be empty. Not that he minded Rudy's presence; he was an alright guy. He made his way into the room and slipped his back off his back, letting it plop on one of the desks. "How you doing, man? Nice performance, by the way...they can hear you out in the hall."

Even though he was speaking casually, the words seemed stunted, stalled, as if he wasn't used to being so loose. Truth be told, he wasn't used to it. At the Academy, all you gave were yes/no responses. There wasn't any room for frills or chat. Still, he felt that he was adapting to it somewhat. It was one of the accomplishments his parents commended him for.

Rudy chuckled, as he heard Asher come in and compliment him. He wasn't expecting this guy to come in. Rudy and he were 'friends', but unlike Asher's other friends or aquaintances, Rudy didn't fear Asher. In fact, the whole thing was practically a ruse on Rudy's part, he didn't really like Asher all that much, he was simply taking advantage of the guy and waiting for the oppertunity for him to take the fall. He heard from some of the girls that Asher was a sexist pig who stalked and hurt girls.

"Oh, I just don't hold back when I act," Rudy remarked, getting up. He wanted advice on love, but to ask Asher would be a terrible mistake. "I'm fine, I just got out of English class, Bounce and Kent were bickering and throwing insults at each other while we were studying Romeo and Juliet. God, that was hilarious. Shame it had to end, though. Kent's a bloody good chess player, though, but I've beaten him quite a few times, I practically wing it half the time!"

He burst into laughter, but quickly calmed down. Sure, Asher was a jerk, but he wasn't too bad a person to talk to. He sat down on one of the desks, looking at him, and holding up the book. "This play is called Cosi, it's an Aussie play that Tristan let me borrow. It's a comedy, and pretty funny, too. It's about a guy named Lewis who tries to get a bunch of mental patients to stage an opera, Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte, a comedy opera. Hell, it's set in 1970, in the middle of the Vietnam War, just before one of Australia's first moratoriums, and Lewis' friends think politics is more important than love, and end up coming off as complete jerks. Now, how did that opera go again...?"

He grinned, immediately recalling Roy's description of it. He cleared his throat, and made his latest Roy impression. "It starts off in a coffee shop in Naples, Italy. These two fellows are boasting how faithful their girlfriends are. So this old fellow, Don Alfonso, says to Guglielmo," He immediately broke his impression to remark, "That's where the name of Elmo the Seseme Street character comes from," and went back, "and Ferrando, okay, let's make a wager and test the girls' fidelity. So the young men pretend to go off the war, but they really don't. Instead they disguise themselves as Albanians and woo the girls. The girls won't fall for the Albanians and so they pretend to suicide, and guess what? The girls fall for the Albanians. But there's another twist. Guglielmo's girlfriend falls for Ferrando and vice versa. Anyway, the boys reveal their disguises and things right themselves and Don Alfonso is proved right. Women are never true. Hence the title Cosi Fan Tutte: Women are like that." He grinned. "That's how Roy would put it, anyway. He's the character in the play who suggests doing that specific opera, and he's practically obsessed with the theatre."

He chukled, and then remembered, "Oh, oh! There's this one guy, Doug, who is a pyromanic, who tells Lewis his story of how he tried to settle things with his mother by setting her five cats on fire, hiding and waiting for them to die, and then knock on the front door and confront his mother when she's feeling sorry for herself. Except one of them ended up setting fire to the house and destroying it. And he tries to set fire to the theatre twice."

He got off the desk, making his Doug impression, trying to get into the mindset of a pyromanic like Doug, standing in front of a blaze with a raging hard-on. "It's burning like a beauty! Someone get me a cat."

He burst into laughter again, but cut it short, sitting back down, and changing the subject. "Enough about Cosi, what about you, Asher? How's things been going for you?"

"Is that so..." Asher placed a hand on his chin, as if he were pondering this argument. "It must've been explosive." His eyes rose to meet Rudy's. "Maybe we should play chess sometime. I've been hoping to find someone good." Asher wasn't very into chess, but he played it sometime, and he found it to be very relaxing.

He immediately keyed in on Rudy's description of the Australian play. Asher liked drama. He felt that he was extremely good at adapting his persona to fit the character...he actually was horrid at it, but no one had the balls to ever tell him that. He laughed at the end of the play's attempt at an opera. "Yeah, that sounds like what a girl would do, alright." He didn't have any faith in the honesty of women. Of course they would fall for someone new; it was hardwired in them to be fickle things.

He laughed even harder when Rudy did his Doug impression. Burning cats sounded...odd...but a funny kind of odd. He could imagine an old, cranky cat with thinning fur, running around like a bat outta hell with its tail flaming. Hey, he wasn't so heartless as to think of a burning kitten.

He perked up at Rudy's nex question. "Huh, me? Well..." He leaned back a bit, swinging his legs. "I'm...alright. Nothing's really going on, except fencing, later." He grinned at that. "I can't wait to see how that goes down." He then looked over at Rudy. "Coach's picking representatives for the competition next month."

The competiton...it was a statewide fencing tournament. Asher had been practicing for it like mad. He knew the instructor would choose him; he was chosen every yeah. He won almost every year, too; those three shiny fencing trophies on the mantle in his house didn't find their way there on accident, after all.

(Tom Guthrie continued from Cosmonaut)

"Cosi, huh? Sounds pretty smooth." Stepping into the drama room, Tom smiled at the two men in there. They had a right to be appreciative of good theater, which was why he was there. They could not underestimate the abilities of an artiste like himself.

Actually, to be honest, Tom did not expect people to be in here. It wasn't the right time for it. Instead, he had hoped to find a place where he could express his inner soul while also avoiding those ridiculous stares his colleagues always gave. Truly, his talent was modern art in vocal form. Nobody could comprehend it for its deepness except the greatest of critics, who would see the hidden talent and make him a sensation.

Well, that's lovely for then. How about now? You've got two people who probably want to know why you're here, and the answer better be good, because they don't look weak.

Taking up a position on the side of the room farthest from Asher, Tom said in a conversational tone, "So, you two are interested in the obscure, eh? Can't get more obscure than Australia, I s'pose. Just wondering though, when you planning on clearing out, eh? I've got practicing to be doing, and I don't need the heckles and jeckles of boars such as yourself drowning out my charisma."

If one thing could be said about Tom, it was that he was most definitely not afraid to speak his mind. In this case, a tad more discretion might have been just the ticket. Still, sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

Rudy chuckled at Asher's offer to play chess sometime. Honestly, that didn't sound like a bad idea, at least a new opponent would be interesting. Asher's next remark about women was expected of him, Rudy wasn't silly enough to think that all women were like that. And his Doug impression got a laugh out of him, so Rudy knew he was spot-on. Then came Asher's reply...

"Fencing, eh?"

Rudy grinned at the thought. He had honestly never considered it. He mimed swinging a raipier around elegantly, before making a stance. "I never thought about that. You should teach me the basics sometime, fencing sounds like fun."

Then came Tome Guthrie, who hadn't been expecting them to be here.

Honestly, Rudy didn't mind Tom. Tom had a solid head, but he was amazingly ignorant of his own flaws, and had a tendency to make bad jokes. He was a good tennis player and a decent actor, though, but he thought he was an absolute master of his craft. As if.

"So, you two are interested in the obscure, eh? Can't get more obscure than Australia, I s'pose. Just wondering though, when you planning on clearing out, eh? I've got practicing to be doing, and I don't need the heckles and jeckles of boars such as yourself drowning out my charisma."

Rudy blinked at Tom. 'Boar'? What the hell was he talking about? Still, he was keeping up a facade, best to not sound rude as well. "A bit rude to call someone that, isn't it? You're making us sound like barbarians. Still... We'll clear out, UNLESS... What are you practicing? It helps to rehearse with others. I'm an actor as well, of course, but I'm not sure about Asher here, but if he can't rehearse with us, hopefully he can quietly watch, eh, Asher?"

"I can always try," Asher said, smirking at Rudy's interpretation of fencing. A little stage-y, but good form..."Or you could come and...sit in on the class. I'm sure Coach wouldn't mind."

Then came in Tom Guthire, asking them to leave. At least he didn't beat around the bush. Asher was a little surprised, though, when Rudy suggested that they all practice together.

"Sure, I'd love to practice," Asher said, grinning. "And come on, Rudy. I was in last year's play. You know I'm an actor." Technically, he had been the understudy for one of the secondary characters. That person happened to catch a bug the week before opening night, so...he'd gotten to perform.

Why I didn't just get the part outright is beyond me...

Yes, he was still a bit bitter.

Oh man, I think I gave them the wrong impression. Okay, I need something I know how to do. Think. THINK!

Faced with two people who thought that Tom was coming in here to act out a scene of some sort, he found himself a little startled. Still, he was good at adjusting. A few plays ran through his head, but none of them seemed like stuff that would be well-known to every man. Except for one, but it seemed a little silly for this crowd.

Oh well. What can it hurt?

"I'm glad you asked," Tom said, walking towards the two men. "You see, I've been looking at comedies recently for material, and I found this one weird play called 'A Funny Thing Happened on the Way To the Forum.' You might have heard about it. You might not have. But believe me, it's glorious. I've got this one song in mind from the play. It's called, 'Everybody Ought To Have a Maid.' Now, before I say anything, have either of you heard about this play? It'll make things much easier if you have."

Tom considered himself good at improvising, something which his acting experience had done well for him. However, if he actually succeeded into organizing two guys into performing a song, especially this song in particular, he would be amazing himself.

"A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Forum, eh?"

Yes, Rudy had heard of that play. A play about a Roman slave trying to get his master and the girl next door together in love, a satire. A classic, indeed. Heck, there was even a movie. "Everybody ought to have a maid, eh?"

Rudy clicked his fingers, grinning. Since Asher might not have a clue, he might as well start off. Yes, he knew the song. One of the most perverted songs ever. And pretty dang funny, too. He immediately noted to Asher, "If you know the song, sing along when I tell you. If not, try to follow my lead."

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl
To putter around the house."

Rudy clicked his fingers, humming the tune in-between the next section of lyrics. A good song to get things going, he loved it.

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a menial
Consistantly congenial
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in."

He immediately pointed to both Asher and Tom, quickly saying, "In tandem!" As if telling them both to follow up on his start-up.

((I found a video of the song, plus the lyrics, which will probably help.))

"Do I know it? Damn, do I!" Asher grinned. His mother loved to go to plays, and since his father thought they were nonsense, she ended up bringing Asher along with her. A Funny Thing Happened On the Way To The Forum was one of the ones he had ended up seeing.

Asher started to tap one of his hands against the desk lightly, to keep the beat for himself, and began to sing the next part.

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who you hire when you're short of help
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse:
Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master, (He said this in the most suave way he could, even though the idea of it disturbed him to a point)
Puttering all around the house!
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in."

He then looked to Tom. "Take it, man!" He said, grinning slightly. He couldn't help it; the song was catchy.

Tom was amazed and elated. He had done, he had actually done it. Truly, his powers of persuasion were persuasive and powerful. He would resolve only to use these abilities for the benefit of mankind, and maybe also to help himself on the side.

Noticing that it was now his cue, Tom cleared his throat and rang out in harmony,

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who in fetching you your slipper will
Be winsome as a whipporwill
And graceful as a grouse:

Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Tittering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom,

Twittering all around...THE HOUSE!"

After a small pause, during which he kept the beat through rhythmic clapping, Tom cried out, "Alright! Second verse! Everybody now!

A maid?
A maid.
A maid.
A maid!"

Rudy grinned, having more fun than he suspected. Tom seemed to look really happy with this. And who could blame him? Another potential ally for Rudy couldn't hurt, one bit. The second verse came up, and Rudy cleared his throat quickly, as the lyrics came to him. Oh, the perverse meanings of the lyrics almost made him chuckle, but he needed to sing, not laugh!

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Everybody ought to have a serving-girl,
A loyal and unswerving girl,
To putter around the house.
Oh, oh,
Think of her at the dustbin,
'Specially when she's just been
Traipsing about.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Living in,
Giving out.

Everybody ought to have a maid,
Daintily collecting bits of paper n' strings,
Appealing in her apron strings
And graceful as a grouse.
Pattering through the attic,
Chattering in the cellar,
Clattering in the kitchen,
Flattering in the bedroom,
Puttering all around the house!
The house!
The house!"

Rudy immediately announced, "Third verse, we're doing great!"

"A maid?
A maid.
A maid.
A maid!"

For the first time in a while, Asher was having fun with other people. He didn't often do this sort of thing...a grin broke out on his face, and he picked up where Rudy left off.

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse!
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble,
Mending her gown.
Oh, oh, wouldn't she be delightful,
Cleaning up,
Leaning down."

He knew there wasn't much left, so he left the rest to Tom. Why not? You had to be fair when singing.

Tom really was having fun here. It wasn't very often that anybody would talk to him for an extended period of time. He was never able to pinpoint why that was, but he knew that once he found out, he'd take pains to eliminate it. Unless it was something he liked doing, in which case everyone else would just have to live with it.

Whatever the case, Asher had given Tom the green light to bring this puppy to the finish line, and so he complied.

"Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse.

Wriggling in the anteroom,
Jiggling in the dining room,
Giggling in the living room,
Wiggling in the other rooms,

Puttering all around...the house!
The house!
The house!
The HOOOUUSSSSSSEEEEEEE!"

Tom coughed a little at the end. He probably had drawn out that last note a little too long. "Ah, man," he choked, "you can thertainly get too much of a good thing, but never too much of a good thong. Ba dum tith." The lisping was done on purpose, as that was part of the joke.

"Anyway, I'm Tom Guthrie. It was great singing with you guys, but I gotta go and get some water." On the way out, he coughed a couple times more. That song had taken a little bit out of him.

(Tom Guthrie continued elsewhere)

Rudy was laughing his head off from all the excitment. Dear lord, it was fun. He loved causing trouble, but acting was one of the other things that he enjoyed doing immensely. Tom finished off the song, with a series of double entendres. Once again, you had to realise that this song had so many double entendres it was bloody hilarious.

And with that, the song ended, and Tom excused himself from the room. That was a rather quick exit. But Rudy honestly felt that he had enough acting practice for one day, and turned to Asher. "Well, with that, I think I'll be off too. That was really fun, though. We got to do it again sometime. Seeya, Asher!"

Rudy grinned, walking out the door, feeling so full of himself he could burst, if an ego was a physical object.

((Rudy Leyton continued elsewhere))