Borrowed Time
Posted: Fri May 31, 2019 9:27 pm
Outside of the Temple, the sounds of a struggle rang out from within. The clang of metal on wood, and metal on metal emanated in between anguished, enraged cries and profanity. With reckless abandon, Tyrell was using his assigned weapon to take out his anger on the structure within.
His head felt like it was splitting open. Something felt tight on his neck. The first thing he saw was a painting of an angel. The memories came afterwards, and his rage came with them. The painting didn't survive his onslaught, and pieces of it now hung off of the crowbar. Winded, he sat down on an ancient-looking trunk, paint chips flaking off onto his clothes.
Of course. Of fucking course. It had to be something like this.
Everything up until this point had felt like a struggle to escape some dark pit. Every time it seemed like he saw a way out, something dragged him back down. Every hopeful moment was hiding some cynical reality. Every time he thought of keeping an open mind, of trying to see some good in the world, something took advantage of that opening to kick him back down again.
It had been naïve to think he'd ever escape.
There had to be something to bring him down. Something had to be there to remind Tyrell Lahti that his life was meant to be bleak, brutal, and short. There were supposed to be highs and lows in life, moments that made the suffering worth it. It was almost impossible to see that now. The lows were so extreme that any good he’d salvaged out of this seemed like a joke. A mediocre consolation prize for sticking it out for eighteen years.
Not even old enough to legally drink. Dying a kid. No chance to move on. To grow up. To be better than what I came from.
It wasn’t just him, though. No, they couldn’t have just stopped at killing the angry kid that only a single-digit number of people were going to miss.
"Jesus fucking Christ. Six times wasn't enough?"
Those monsters had kidnapped all of them. His classmates. Friends, enemies. People who he knew were going to hurt for this way more than he ever would, because so many had never really suffered like this before. Violence just hadn’t been part of their lives up until this point. For the longest time, he’d thought he could just cut those people out of his life and move on. That leaving home, he’d never look back. There were people he’d think he could just write off. If they died in a car accident or an overdose he’d read past the headline, or laugh.
Their faces. He could see them in his mind’s eye. Scared and alone. Wondering who was going to turn on them. Unable to block out what happened to their teachers, the adults who’d only wanted to keep them save and see them home. The sound of Ms. Garcia slumping to the floor, the wet thud – it wouldn’t go away.
"Do you hate them? Do they hate you?"
He thought he hated them all. Maybe he thought he had, when the stakes were only their little practice run of the real world.
What was going to happen to the people who couldn’t fight back? What were they supposed to do here? What was supposed to happen to people like Nathan or Alex? Forrest wasn’t going to be able to much fight back with a broken arm. Caroline was probably going to break down worse than anyone. It was hard to even picture how broken someone like Ivy was going to be when she woke up here. As much as he hated her he couldn’t condemn someone to this.
How could anyone deserve this? What purpose did this serve? What point was being made here? Ty thought of the people he’d run into at prom. He’d resented people like that for so long. For being able to just be happy, to not have to game every situation. They didn’t have to. They enjoyed life, and had reasons to.
It didn’t seem like too long ago I started to figure this out.
All of them, just kids who were excited for their future. People who should have been scared only of making tough life choices. Who hadn’t yet had the chance to really fuck up in the way that tows the line between a hard-won lesson and a breaking point. To learn the difference between fleeting teenage relationships and the ones that really last.
Fuck, she’s here too.
No part of him had ever doubted how much he cared about her. It didn’t take being thrust into this situation to realize it. There was never any reason to suspect her motives, or to assume she wasn’t just out to help people. It was so obvious.
And that kind of person ends up here because of some twisted agenda.
Erika was going to die here. They both would. No one deserved to meet their end in a place like this, but her least of all. She was only ever kind. He only wanted to know what kind of person she could be. They might’ve had a future together. The thought caused Ty to further sink to the ground, his head hanging low. Tears ran from his eyes, but he didn’t sob. Wasn't sure he had the energy to.
Who was he meant to be? So many people had seen the ugliest parts of him. Only one of them had really gotten to know the person he wanted to be. Only Erika wasn’t going to try and put him down the moment she saw him, because she was the only one who wouldn’t expect the worst.
Bret had taken Wyatt with him to fight Ty because of his reputation. Claude tried to look after him and all Ty did in return was try and tear down his beliefs. Ty had spent more time trying to hurt Lorenzo than he had trying to figure out a way to help Artem. That was what he’d really cared about, after all. It wasn’t compassion, it was an excuse to have someone to hate.
At least that piece of shit is going to die.
Ty bit his lip, and slammed his hand against a nearby wall. The pain didn’t comfort him. Leaning against the wall, he slid to the floor sobbing.
“No. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.”
There had been so many justifications. So many things he told himself that made him feel like when people feared him or reacted badly, that he was right somehow. What did that earn him? Now that this was a life or death situation? Everyone was going to figure he was the bad guy. No one looked at Tyrell and thought he wasn’t going to put up a fight. They expected it.
They want me to be a killer.
It was hard to imagine how it could have been different. Part of him thought it might’ve been if he hadn’t always had to fight for himself. If his father hadn’t been a monster. If his mother had protected them. If his sister had the courage to call the police, or if his brother had the courage to call for help.
If I hadn’t had to wait eighteen years to meet someone who could actually love me, maybe I would’ve realized I had a choice.
“If I could have just been anyone but me.”
It would’ve been nice to meet people years on and have them be surprised I didn’t burn out or end up in prison. It would’ve been nice to prove them wrong. There’s no time for that, now.
It wasn’t apparent to him that there was any point in continuing. Playing into this bloodbath would only vilify him to anyone left alive. Erika would never forgive him. Trying to fight was foolish; everyone who had half a brain would put him down as soon as possible. There was no choice to make here.
That’s not true. I have a choice to make.
The collar felt snug. Ty hated the feeling of it, the image it presented. It wasn’t enough to have explosives strapped to his body, but as a collar? The imagery of a caged animal, the appearance of submission – sickened him. That wasn’t for him. Playing into someone else’s twisted game, playing a victim. Long ago he’d sworn to never let it happen again. Not as Tyrell Marsden, and certainly not as “Boy Nine”
I will not let this happen. I’m not going to be the bastard everyone expects me to be.
Ty stood up, looking around the room. There was a length of rope lying next to the painting. It was caked in dirt and moss, and looked like it might've held up some of the silk tapestries at some point. Whatever it had been used for, he knew well enough what it meant to him and he walked over to it with purpose. He’d been tempted enough times before to know how to tie a noose, or at least a makeshift one. With a loop at one end, he made a simple knot at the other. There was a beam overhead, sticking out from the ceiling.
Should work.
Jumping up for a moment and grabbing onto the beam, it held his weight sure enough. There were a few concerning creaks and groans from the moldy wood, but it seemed sturdy. After a few tries, he managed to loop the rope around, and pulled it taut. He stepped onto the flaky crate, not taking his eyes off of the hanging rope.
Fuck. I didn’t think it’d be like this.
Slipping the noose over his neck, Tyrell managed to situate the rope just ahead of the collar. After a few moments, the feeling of the rope against his skin quickly made him forget about the cold, black metal. He made sure to pull it snugly against the sides of his neck. Asphyxiation was painful; if he managed to squeeze the arteries, he knew he would black out before he choked to death. The BJJ instructor he’d been taking lessons from explained as much to him when he caught Ty in a rear-naked choke. If it was anything like that, perhaps it wouldn’t be quite so bad.
Only as bad as dying.
For as long as he could remember, Tyrell Lahti found himself bound by a feeling that he was pushed into one choice or another, always having to rebel or act out in defiance because someone or something wanted him to live a way he had no intention of doing. Mostly, it was as a victim. So he was who he was, and ended up something of an outcast. To choose differently meant being weak. Not being himself. It was only months ago he’d realized that he wasn’t that person either. There was no reason he had to be someone who scared people. Who solved problems with violence and hate. Here he knew he was destined to be the kid who was going to buy into this game because he’d always been a heartless bastard at school, only if he didn’t step up and make a choice.
The only choice left. The only thing I can control.
The only thing he could stomach. The only act that wasn’t motivated by fear of this collar, of the psychopaths behind the cameras. Ty stared directly into the nearest camera, stifling his fear enough to shoot it one last look of hatred and defiance.
“I’ll die on my own terms, not yours. I’m done.”
Closing his eyes, Ty searched his mind. There had to be a moment. Something that might help him face it.
“My brother played it with me all the time. I only ever really fight the computer now. I guess I didn’t plan for you.” He smiled at her. It was strangely easy to lose to her and not get mad about it.
“Did you ever beat him?” She beamed, her hands gripping the controller tightly as the next round began.
“I… yeah, a few times. I think he used to let me win.” Rain didn’t fight back. Erika noticed, and hit the pause button. He didn’t realize it was going to affect him like this, showing her the games he played growing up. It had been a long time since he’d cried over Elliott. Never let anyone see him do it until now.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I didn’t know I’d do this.“
“Hey. It’s okay. I’m right here.” She smiled. It was so easy to lose his train of thought when she smiled like that.
Tyrell held onto that image as he stepped off the chair. It steeled his resolve to ignore the pain, to suppress the terror. It was the best he could to do try and die with a smile on his face. The noose snapped tightly around his neck, just as he’d intended. Before long, he fell into darkness.
If he’d be known for anything, it would be this. That felt like enough.
((B#09 - Day 1 Start))
His head felt like it was splitting open. Something felt tight on his neck. The first thing he saw was a painting of an angel. The memories came afterwards, and his rage came with them. The painting didn't survive his onslaught, and pieces of it now hung off of the crowbar. Winded, he sat down on an ancient-looking trunk, paint chips flaking off onto his clothes.
Of course. Of fucking course. It had to be something like this.
Everything up until this point had felt like a struggle to escape some dark pit. Every time it seemed like he saw a way out, something dragged him back down. Every hopeful moment was hiding some cynical reality. Every time he thought of keeping an open mind, of trying to see some good in the world, something took advantage of that opening to kick him back down again.
It had been naïve to think he'd ever escape.
There had to be something to bring him down. Something had to be there to remind Tyrell Lahti that his life was meant to be bleak, brutal, and short. There were supposed to be highs and lows in life, moments that made the suffering worth it. It was almost impossible to see that now. The lows were so extreme that any good he’d salvaged out of this seemed like a joke. A mediocre consolation prize for sticking it out for eighteen years.
Not even old enough to legally drink. Dying a kid. No chance to move on. To grow up. To be better than what I came from.
It wasn’t just him, though. No, they couldn’t have just stopped at killing the angry kid that only a single-digit number of people were going to miss.
"Jesus fucking Christ. Six times wasn't enough?"
Those monsters had kidnapped all of them. His classmates. Friends, enemies. People who he knew were going to hurt for this way more than he ever would, because so many had never really suffered like this before. Violence just hadn’t been part of their lives up until this point. For the longest time, he’d thought he could just cut those people out of his life and move on. That leaving home, he’d never look back. There were people he’d think he could just write off. If they died in a car accident or an overdose he’d read past the headline, or laugh.
Their faces. He could see them in his mind’s eye. Scared and alone. Wondering who was going to turn on them. Unable to block out what happened to their teachers, the adults who’d only wanted to keep them save and see them home. The sound of Ms. Garcia slumping to the floor, the wet thud – it wouldn’t go away.
"Do you hate them? Do they hate you?"
He thought he hated them all. Maybe he thought he had, when the stakes were only their little practice run of the real world.
What was going to happen to the people who couldn’t fight back? What were they supposed to do here? What was supposed to happen to people like Nathan or Alex? Forrest wasn’t going to be able to much fight back with a broken arm. Caroline was probably going to break down worse than anyone. It was hard to even picture how broken someone like Ivy was going to be when she woke up here. As much as he hated her he couldn’t condemn someone to this.
How could anyone deserve this? What purpose did this serve? What point was being made here? Ty thought of the people he’d run into at prom. He’d resented people like that for so long. For being able to just be happy, to not have to game every situation. They didn’t have to. They enjoyed life, and had reasons to.
It didn’t seem like too long ago I started to figure this out.
All of them, just kids who were excited for their future. People who should have been scared only of making tough life choices. Who hadn’t yet had the chance to really fuck up in the way that tows the line between a hard-won lesson and a breaking point. To learn the difference between fleeting teenage relationships and the ones that really last.
Fuck, she’s here too.
No part of him had ever doubted how much he cared about her. It didn’t take being thrust into this situation to realize it. There was never any reason to suspect her motives, or to assume she wasn’t just out to help people. It was so obvious.
And that kind of person ends up here because of some twisted agenda.
Erika was going to die here. They both would. No one deserved to meet their end in a place like this, but her least of all. She was only ever kind. He only wanted to know what kind of person she could be. They might’ve had a future together. The thought caused Ty to further sink to the ground, his head hanging low. Tears ran from his eyes, but he didn’t sob. Wasn't sure he had the energy to.
Who was he meant to be? So many people had seen the ugliest parts of him. Only one of them had really gotten to know the person he wanted to be. Only Erika wasn’t going to try and put him down the moment she saw him, because she was the only one who wouldn’t expect the worst.
Bret had taken Wyatt with him to fight Ty because of his reputation. Claude tried to look after him and all Ty did in return was try and tear down his beliefs. Ty had spent more time trying to hurt Lorenzo than he had trying to figure out a way to help Artem. That was what he’d really cared about, after all. It wasn’t compassion, it was an excuse to have someone to hate.
At least that piece of shit is going to die.
Ty bit his lip, and slammed his hand against a nearby wall. The pain didn’t comfort him. Leaning against the wall, he slid to the floor sobbing.
“No. I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.”
There had been so many justifications. So many things he told himself that made him feel like when people feared him or reacted badly, that he was right somehow. What did that earn him? Now that this was a life or death situation? Everyone was going to figure he was the bad guy. No one looked at Tyrell and thought he wasn’t going to put up a fight. They expected it.
They want me to be a killer.
It was hard to imagine how it could have been different. Part of him thought it might’ve been if he hadn’t always had to fight for himself. If his father hadn’t been a monster. If his mother had protected them. If his sister had the courage to call the police, or if his brother had the courage to call for help.
If I hadn’t had to wait eighteen years to meet someone who could actually love me, maybe I would’ve realized I had a choice.
“If I could have just been anyone but me.”
It would’ve been nice to meet people years on and have them be surprised I didn’t burn out or end up in prison. It would’ve been nice to prove them wrong. There’s no time for that, now.
It wasn’t apparent to him that there was any point in continuing. Playing into this bloodbath would only vilify him to anyone left alive. Erika would never forgive him. Trying to fight was foolish; everyone who had half a brain would put him down as soon as possible. There was no choice to make here.
That’s not true. I have a choice to make.
The collar felt snug. Ty hated the feeling of it, the image it presented. It wasn’t enough to have explosives strapped to his body, but as a collar? The imagery of a caged animal, the appearance of submission – sickened him. That wasn’t for him. Playing into someone else’s twisted game, playing a victim. Long ago he’d sworn to never let it happen again. Not as Tyrell Marsden, and certainly not as “Boy Nine”
I will not let this happen. I’m not going to be the bastard everyone expects me to be.
Ty stood up, looking around the room. There was a length of rope lying next to the painting. It was caked in dirt and moss, and looked like it might've held up some of the silk tapestries at some point. Whatever it had been used for, he knew well enough what it meant to him and he walked over to it with purpose. He’d been tempted enough times before to know how to tie a noose, or at least a makeshift one. With a loop at one end, he made a simple knot at the other. There was a beam overhead, sticking out from the ceiling.
Should work.
Jumping up for a moment and grabbing onto the beam, it held his weight sure enough. There were a few concerning creaks and groans from the moldy wood, but it seemed sturdy. After a few tries, he managed to loop the rope around, and pulled it taut. He stepped onto the flaky crate, not taking his eyes off of the hanging rope.
Fuck. I didn’t think it’d be like this.
Slipping the noose over his neck, Tyrell managed to situate the rope just ahead of the collar. After a few moments, the feeling of the rope against his skin quickly made him forget about the cold, black metal. He made sure to pull it snugly against the sides of his neck. Asphyxiation was painful; if he managed to squeeze the arteries, he knew he would black out before he choked to death. The BJJ instructor he’d been taking lessons from explained as much to him when he caught Ty in a rear-naked choke. If it was anything like that, perhaps it wouldn’t be quite so bad.
Only as bad as dying.
For as long as he could remember, Tyrell Lahti found himself bound by a feeling that he was pushed into one choice or another, always having to rebel or act out in defiance because someone or something wanted him to live a way he had no intention of doing. Mostly, it was as a victim. So he was who he was, and ended up something of an outcast. To choose differently meant being weak. Not being himself. It was only months ago he’d realized that he wasn’t that person either. There was no reason he had to be someone who scared people. Who solved problems with violence and hate. Here he knew he was destined to be the kid who was going to buy into this game because he’d always been a heartless bastard at school, only if he didn’t step up and make a choice.
The only choice left. The only thing I can control.
The only thing he could stomach. The only act that wasn’t motivated by fear of this collar, of the psychopaths behind the cameras. Ty stared directly into the nearest camera, stifling his fear enough to shoot it one last look of hatred and defiance.
“I’ll die on my own terms, not yours. I’m done.”
Closing his eyes, Ty searched his mind. There had to be a moment. Something that might help him face it.
---
”You’re saying you were good at this?” Erika chided Ty, looking to the small television screen as her fighter raised his arm in victory over his. “My brother played it with me all the time. I only ever really fight the computer now. I guess I didn’t plan for you.” He smiled at her. It was strangely easy to lose to her and not get mad about it.
“Did you ever beat him?” She beamed, her hands gripping the controller tightly as the next round began.
“I… yeah, a few times. I think he used to let me win.” Rain didn’t fight back. Erika noticed, and hit the pause button. He didn’t realize it was going to affect him like this, showing her the games he played growing up. It had been a long time since he’d cried over Elliott. Never let anyone see him do it until now.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I didn’t know I’d do this.“
“Hey. It’s okay. I’m right here.” She smiled. It was so easy to lose his train of thought when she smiled like that.
---
Tyrell held onto that image as he stepped off the chair. It steeled his resolve to ignore the pain, to suppress the terror. It was the best he could to do try and die with a smile on his face. The noose snapped tightly around his neck, just as he’d intended. Before long, he fell into darkness.
If he’d be known for anything, it would be this. That felt like enough.