Can't Control Myself

[Primrosette]

Drew was out of breath by the time he stepped onto the rickety pier and he almost felt like he was about to collapse to lay down.

((Drew Woods continued from Steady As She Goes))

He was panting and sweating a little. He had just managed to rush all the way here by making his way through some parts of the village and he felt like it would have been a good place for him to rest for a while. He knew that being out in the open and being all alone was a bad idea but.... He needed time to fully process everything in his mind for some reason. He still felt like he was at a loss and he knew that it would have been better to discuss it with the group back there. But it felt like he had ditched them for good and he felt a bit guilty over it. He had made his choice and he could always go back.

If I am still alive by then. What if the group had already fell apart after I left? No, no. I am really overthinking it. Stop feeling paranoid about things that may or may not happen, Drew!

He let out a frustrated sigh and he let the dufflebag drop from his grip onto the ground near the pier and he moved himself forward onto the pier with cautious steps. He knew that he should not leave the bag out of his sight, but for now he didn't even care. He was getting distracted by what he could see clearly in front of him. He could see in the distance that there was a lighthouse and he squinted his eyes slightly. The lighthouse would be a good a place for him to rest and hide out in for a while. Alright! He was getting an idea of where and what he was doing now!

Drew felt a eager grin appear on his face and he pumped his fist in excitement, doing a small jump on the pier. He let out a quiet yelp as the pier creaked under his feet and he felt some heat going across his cheeks. "Hah! Totally meant to do that!" He called out to nobody and then he was feeling a bit embarrassed by what he said aloud. "Haaah! This is not what.... Um, I wanted to do."

Drew then glanced down at the ground and his breath was suddenly caught in his throat at what he was seeing on the pier's surface.

Blood?!

Drew let out a surprised gasp and he stumbled backwards off of the pier. Forgetting that his other bag was behind him; making himself trip over it and he landed on his back and butt with a loud 'OOF'.

"Owww, Oww.... Uggh. What the...? When have I ever been clumsy? That's Declyn's thing, not me!" He was now complaining to let off some stream and he slowly sat up, rubbing his back that was hurting a little. "....But still, the-the blood...? Who...?"

He didn't want to know. He didn't, he didn't. He hoped that whomever was hurt was still alive and not dead somewhere else. Or... Or was their corpse in the water? He was now feeling more scared and he was trying hard not to cry. His vision was getting blurry and he knew that crying wasn't going to help him. But he wanted to be selfish with his mangled feelings that had been affecting him ever since before all of this had happened.

Drew let out a choked sob.

[LeslieFranc]

((Cecil Salazar-Loveless continued from pâro))

He kept moving and didn’t stop.

The headache was back at full force and it was severe enough that Cecil considered giving into the temptation of closing his eyes...just for a bit...find a comfortable corner to curl up into a ball in and rest his head somewhere...his head hurts his eyes hurt the pain may disappear if he sleeps it off yeah that’s good relax relax relax should relax sleep off the pain and when I wake up maybe maybe maybe the pain will have disappeared and maybe just maybe it turns out everything really is a dream—NO IT IS NOT.

Not good. The pain, the heat, the mental and physical exhaustion…crap, he really walked far and long...they were making him feel and think worse. He might have to take an aspirin later.

God, how he wanted even at least a single cup of coffee.

But shit can’t have that either, so he had to make do with drinking water to at least stay hydrated and make sure that his brain was still working, even if the bare minimum.

Don’t whine, he admonished himself, rubbing his temple in an attempt to ease the headache while he stared at his hand holding his weapon, realizing that the tremors had returned as well, irritatingly enough. No whining. That’s one of the first things Grandma taught you, moron.

Focus.

Now. Destination. Close to the bay area. The pier. Sounded good. Almost there.

Cecil first heard a voice prattling on about something or another, followed by a sob. That should’ve been enough for him to turn around and go the other way, but his eyes and feet weren’t as fast as usual in instinctively following what his brain ordered them to do. He wasn’t sure if he could call that a good thing now, especially since he just saw who that someone is.

It was Drew. That nice but awkward boy he went to prom with.

Cecil wished he felt as happy as he did a month ago when the other boy just suddenly asked him to be his prom date. But for some reason, it felt like his anxiety levels just rose higher, along with the underlying despair he’d rather not face at the moment. Well, that became a whole lot harder once he saw Drew freely letting out his feelings right there. It felt just a little bit easier to join in, which was frustrating because he had been really trying to keep it together.

There was relief, though. Relief at seeing someone familiar. Someone Cecil knew and liked enough. Someone he did fairly care about. Sobbing on the ground, yes, but as far as he saw, uninjured.

That one positive thing was somehow enough for him to walk closer instead of keeping his distance.

“Drew?” he hesitantly called out.

[Primrosette]

Drew heard a voice behind him that made him flinch and he felt his sobbing noises suddenly stop. He knew that that voice was very familiar to him and he felt like he wasn't ready to face him yet. How could this be happening right now? He never thought that he would see him at all. But now he was here with Drew and Drew had to talk to him, even if his feelings had been hurt on the trip. When Declyn had told him the truth about the truth about him and Cecil. About them being boyfriends. He had felt so shocked and hurt. He had ran away from his best friend in tears. Oh god. That had been the last time he had spoken to Declyn. He.... He had to find Declyn soon. But right now the other person that he cared for was behind him right now and he.... he had to speak to him.

Cecil....

Drew let out a small whimper and he sniffled slightly. God, he was such a mess. He didn't want Cecil to see him like this. But it looked like he had no choice. Drew was still sitting on the ground and he turned his head slowly to look behind him. His heart was feeling like it was beating faster at the sight of Cecil and it felt painful to even look at him. His feelings were still there and it hurt because they were doing to die here. And he didn't even want to think about that. He wanted to be more happy to see Cecil and he wanted to hug Cecil. But he didn't have the energy to move off of the ground.

"C-Cecil...!" Drew said in a high-pitched tone and then he was trying hard to not cry again, smiling at him with relief. "Y-You're okay! Thank god, thank god! I thought that I wasn't gonna be able to see you again and I want to hug you right now! But I don't know if you want that! And now I'm just starting to ramble! And.... and we.... you...."

Drew noticed the knife in Cecil's hand and then he glanced up at him with fearful eyes. His smile was frozen on his face.

He couldn't say anything. He was scared. He was really, really scared.

[LeslieFranc]

“I’m…so glad to see you,” Cecil breathed out with an uncertain smile when Drew turned around to face him. And he really was, but what he didn’t say was that he was also glad to see Drew’s distressed state, despite how bad that sounded.

It was the normal reaction, after all. Cecil did not sense any pretense about it either. Drew was still Drew, and even if it turned out that Cecil couldn’t bring himself to like him the way Drew did to him, he still held a modicum of fondness for him. And naturally, Cecil wanted to trust him. Maybe he could trust him. For now, at least.

That…that’s okay, right? He should trust him, right?

He also did not know if he’d want Drew to hug him either, but he was glad that he didn’t do it outright so suddenly. At worst case, Cecil could’ve reacted bad at being caught off guard. At best, well, he might’ve hugged him back. Highly unlikely though, because that depended on his mood, and feeling like the best was a different matter and Cecil doubted that would happen to him anytime soon.

While he had already been familiarized with Drew’s tendency to nervously ramble, the fact that he was talking loud enough for Cecil to hear him before seeing him like earlier in such an open area made him also nervous, enough for him to repeatedly take some cautious sweeping glances around their surroundings.

Anyone could hear them. Could see them. Attack them. Kill them.

Don’t want to be killed. Don’t want Drew to be killed either.

At one point, Drew stopped talking and Cecil didn’t immediately notice, and the ensuing silence caused him to turn back and pay attention to him again.

Drew was quiet now, still on the ground, and he was looking up at Cecil…in fear? Huh? Did something happen? But Drew did not even move. At that sight, Cecil couldn’t help but worry.

He’s making himself a real easy target.

He stepped around so he was right in front of him before crouching down a bit. Trying for a comforting smile, he offered his free hand to him.

“Can you stand?”

[Primrosette]

Drew almost felt like jumping backwards when Cecil moved around to the front of him with that knife and he could only watch as Cecil crouched down closely to him. Drew then felt a bit foolish for getting scared over Cecil's weapon. It wasn't as if Cecil was going to stab him out of the blue. It was just knowing that it would be used at any time that terrified him. ….But Cecil? Would he really hurt someone else? Kill someone else? Drew didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to see Cecil in a negative light.

His eyes kept looking at the knife until Cecil put out a hand towards him and asked him if he could stand back up. Drew felt himself grabbing Cecil's hand without hesitation and he was trying to not look away from him awkwardly. This was not the time for him to get all giddy over how close Cecil was to him. They were all on an island being forced to kill each other. This was not the time for Drew to get all 'I love you, senpai' over Cecil. ….For the track, Drew had not watched Anime at all. He just heard things from other people who loved to watch Anime.

"I-I can stand. Thank you, Cecil." He said softly, still holding Cecil's hand that felt so warm and comforting and he really wished that he had the courage to pull Cecil into a hug. But he felt like that moment was gone and maybe he should just save the hugs for Declyn. "I just need a moment, I think. Everything is just getting to me more and there is dried blood on the pier. A lot of blood.... I don't even know if the person who got hurt is alive or not and.... and...."

He trailed off, trying to let out some breathes without going into a panicked state again and his hand in Cecil's trembled. His body was shaking a bit.

[LeslieFranc]

At the mention of seeing apparently a lot of blood on the pier, Cecil’s head immediately turned to the aforementioned direction in alarm, as if expecting to see a dead body or a possible killer in question. So far, the only situation he had encountered was admittedly rather non-violent, despite the high levels of distrust that was present at that time. But now there was blood, which meant—

“So some have already started trying to kill,” he muttered darkly. The fear had always been real, but to have it laid out like this for him…

Cecil silently gulped. He thought it was his own hand that was shaking before realizing that it was actually Drew’s. Not just his hand, but his body was also trembling. Drew told him to give him a moment, and Cecil would usually have no problem giving him that, especially now. However, the recently-known fact that something bad happened very near them just gave him a really bad feeling.

He might just start shaking in fear, too, so he squeezed Drew’s hand for both of their comfort.

“We have no way to know now, but at least it’s not us,” he said solemnly. But it could be any of our friends shit shit shit shit—“It’s—” It’s not fine.

Cecil let out a shaky breath. His thoughts were a jumbled mess now.

“—well, no. We should—You can—It’s just, uh, shit—Hmm—” he forced himself to shut up, pressing his lips together. Cecil didn’t know what to say.

And here I thought I was supposed to be the calmer one.

So he stayed silent for a moment and looked at anywhere else but Drew. If he didn’t know what to say right now, then at least he knew what to do. He needs a moment, he said. Give him a moment. Cecil could do that much. He spent that quiet moment looking around anxiously, half-heartedly trying not to show his agitation and pushing down the worst-case scenarios that could happen if he and Drew stayed sitting like this here.

Eventually, his gaze trailed back to Drew, particularly at their still clasped hands.

“Anyway,” he cleared his throat then lightly tugged his hand, making a show of preparing to pull him up to his feet. “Are you—” Never will be okay. “—Are you calm now?”

[Primrosette]

Drew realized that Cecil was stumbling over his own words after a few moments and he knew that he shouldn't be surprised that Cecil was struggling with this as well. He suddenly felt guilty for being the only one who could let out his emotions so easily and he knew that he would have to man up if he wanted to live. Cecil was looking away from him while letting Drew to have his moment to calm down his panicked mind and Drew was feeling very grateful towards Cecil for his kindness. He knew that they wouldn't be out in the open for too long. They were sitting ducks out here because of him and his silly feelings.

They stayed where they were for a minute or so. Drew's breathing was now slowly get back to a steady pace and his heartbeat was more or less the same. Kind of. He wondered if he should ask Cecil if he needed time as well. Because he really wanted him to be okay. To be fair, were they really okay? No. He knew that no one on this island was okay. Even if they did pretend. Everyone had a different way of handling things around here.

Drew then watched as Cecil was staring down at their hands that were still holding and Drew was about to comment on the knife. But Cecil asked if he was calm now and Drew decided that it would be better to ask that question.

"I....I'm calm as I can be. Uh.... Thank you for being so patient with me, Cecil." Drew said, feeling himself showing the other teenager a gentle smile and he wondered if it was the wrong time to smile. He couldn't take back the smile now. "I think that I can stand now."

He then let Cecil pull him up with ease, not letting go of Cecil's hand yet. It felt like he needed the comfort for a bit longer. He really was a clingy person. Declyn wasn't wrong about him.

[LeslieFranc]

"You're welcome," came the automatic polite response to being thanked before Cecil finally helped Drew get back to his feet. It was only right that the smile that came along with the other boy's grateful statement should also be mirrored back with a smile of his own.

Drew hadn't let go of his hand though. They weren't in prom anymore, and he wasn't the Drew that was his seven-year old sister—thinking of her hurts—who needed her hand to be held. But Cecil could at least see that he needed a bit more comfort, so he gave another comforting squeeze of his hand before trying to loosen his own hold.

Perhaps it really was a good thing to be with his friends at a time like this; even if it was just for a moment, Cecil can feel and act like himself as usual when with them. It reminded him of the life back home that he was determined to come back to, which also means losing the parts of your life that's here with you, haven't you realized that?

"We should get going."

Another good thing about being with the people he likes: way easier for him to delay the regular downward spirals of his thoughts.

"Find a good place, maybe even find friends. Definitely avoid most of the rest," he continued on without thinking, slightly fiddling with his knife before the thought finally struck him. "By the way...don't you have a weapon?" he asked as he shakily held up his own.

[Primrosette]

Drew was feeling a bit sad to let out of Cecil's hand, but it made sense that he couldn't hold onto Cecil the whole time they were together. He didn't want to be a burden. He didn't want to be a liability. He didn't want to be an annoyance. He didn't want to slow Cecil down. He wondered if he-

Drew's eyes widened at Cecil's words. So Cecil really did want to travel around with him and to find their friends and a better place to hide. Drew was feeling very relieved about that. Until Cecil asked if he had a weapon and raised his shaking hand holding that scary knife. Drew felt like the colour was draining from his face and he felt himself gulping nervously.

"A weapon...?"

Yes, Drew. You doughnut! You should know that a weapon was always going to be a part of this. Others will have very dangerous weapons that could end your life in just one hit or ones that will take a much more longer time to kill you. You really don't want to think about any of the bad things, do you?

Drew's eyes were still on the knife that was in Cecil's grasp and he let out a small squeak of fear. He was really becoming more and more afraid of seeing it right in front of him. It wasn't Cecil's fault. Drew was just too cowardly over a lot of things. "I.... I haven't checked yet." Drew said quietly, trying to look off at the lighthouse again to avoid Cecil's eyes. "I mean, do you really think that people are willing to....to kill right away? I guess I just haven't fully accepted that we could all turn into cold-blooded killers. But then the blood on the pier.... It's making me think that there are some people that we can't trust out there."

But who?

[LeslieFranc]

Cecil raised an eyebrow at Drew’s fearful squeak at the look of his knife. He understood getting jumpy at the sight of weapons, but Drew must understand that Cecil won’t be using it on him, right? Not without a very good reason, at least. They had been holding hands and giving comfort to each other just a moment ago, for goodness’ sake.

I could only imagine his reaction if I just suddenly send the blade flying right now.

The mischievous thought made him smirk, but he immediately dismissed it. It was no good to make Drew more freaked out than he already was. Cecil needed his trust, and he also wanted to find something in Drew that was trustworthy.

His reluctant attitude right now wasn’t very promising though, but at least it didn’t seem like he had any plans of harming him.

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel all real to me either,” Cecil admitted. “But it is. It’s just like you said, blood has already been shed, and it’s just the first day. We don’t know what could happen. We don’t know what could’ve already happened. We…”

He paused, suddenly losing steam as he tried to think of the right thing to say.

“We should just take heed of others,” he finally said with a dispirited sigh. “Before finding the friends we know we can trust. Other than them, well, we should at least have something to defend ourselves.”

[Primrosette]

Drew knew what Cecil had meant by his words and Drew knew that he couldn't be naïve about others. He knew that the blood was proof that there was someone who was hostile out there and that they seemed to be willing to kill others. But there was something nagging at the back of his mind about it. Where was the victim's body? Or had the victim been the attacker and the person who fought back was the real victim? Drew didn't know why he was still thinking about it. Maybe he should think about what he and Cecil could do next. Like find somewhere safer to hide.

Drew glanced at Cecil with somewhat sad eyes and then he gave him a slow nod, chewing on his lower lip in a nervous habit kind of way. "Okay, okay. I....I get it. We have to be more careful around people that we don't know, right?" He asked, as he took his bag off with a small tilt of his shoulders and he then unzipped his body, putting his hand into it to look for a possible.... weapon. Oh god. After a while, he noticed that there was no weapon in there. Maybe it was in his dufflebag then? "Um.... There is no weapon in this bag. Maybe it's in my other one. S-Sorry."

Drew then saw something in his bag out of the corner of his eye. A map.... A MAP! This was the perfect thing that he could use for them to find somewhere to stay. Also, he hoped that he could follow it without the compass. It didn't look like it was too hard for him to follow. His lack of sense of direction would hopefully not be a burden on him or Cecil. He wanted to be useful and so he was going to try!

"Cecil, look! We could go there!" He said while showing him the map and he pointed towards the village area with a bit of eagerness in his tone of voice. "We can go to one of the buildings there to stay safe for the night. And then we can make plans of what to do in the morning. Yes? Yes?!"

Drew didn't wait for an answer from Cecil as his mind was so focused on them actually getting somewhere more safer and he was feeling a bit too excitable about it, a grin was lit up brightly on his face. He noticed that it was starting to get darker as well and so he took out his flashlight, turning it on with ease. Then he zipped his bag back up and he clumsily put the bag back on his back. He then managed to somehow put the dufflebag over one shoulder.

He then glanced back at Cecil with determined-like eyes and he was hoping that Cecil didn't mind that he was trying to take the lead a little. This was so unlike him. A person like him would have had Cecil take the lead because of his cowardice, but he couldn't let Cecil do all the way. He had to do something too, even if it wasn't the most helpful thing in the long term. He wanted to prove that he could be reliable to Cecil. And that he didn't need to be protect all the time.

What am I trying to prove here? That I'm not going to rely on the other people? That I won't be a coward anymore? I will possibly never get rid of those two weaknesses of mine. But I want to try for now. For Cecil!

"Cecil, are-are you ready to go?"

Because Drew actually felt like he was ready for once in his own life.

((Drew Woods continued in Lonely as the Sound of Lying on the Ground of an Airplane Going Down))

[LeslieFranc]

"It's fine," Cecil could only sigh when Drew showed that he had no luck with the daypack, although whether the duffel bag would be the same remained to be seen. However, Drew did find his map and seemed pretty happy about it. Cecil already had his own map folded in his pocket, but Drew was already pointing at something at what seemed to be their next destination, so he supposed there was no need to mention it and just simply let him have this. Besides, this was good; he could finally stop feeling like an idiot every time he picked out a location to go to for no good enough reason and still do it anyway.

So he unthinkingly agreed.

"Uh, sure," he mumbled a bit before saying it in a firmer tone. "I mean yes. We'll go with that."

Not to mention, he has that sudden spark of enthusiasm again, Cecil observed. Smiling...and there's that manic glint in his eyes.

Cecil would take it for now and allow himself feel almost proud of the moment. He wasn't sure how long it would last though. Cecil thought of Drew as the shy and awkward type, so he could only assume that those unexpected instances where he really would eagerly go after something meant that it was something that he truly wanted. Like when he took a chance to ask him to prom, or his efforts to make sure they were having fun at that time; Drew was always trying so hard. He wasn't sure what could possibly be his motivation now though.

But he also wanted to get carried away with the abrupt rise of his confidence. For now.

"Yeah, let's go," he nodded with a genuine smile.

And maybe as they walked towards the village and he had the time to think through it once more, he might have started doubting the plan. That the village seemed like the kind of place most of their classmates might go to for shelter for the night. That they should probably just camp out, try their lucks at the waterfall cave, just go somewhere secluded. But in the end, he stuck with his decision to follow Drew.

At least, he had a purpose for now: to stay with him.

((Cecil Salazar-Loveless continued in Lonely as the Sound of Lying on the Ground of an Airplane Going Down))