Introduction Paragraph
poems that aren't very good and will never see the light of day. If you're snooping and you find this I probably can't stop you but please don't look anymore. I'm not proud of these. I'm not proud of any of these, and you aren't cool for showing them. If you found my password sheet and are here because I took the plunge off this plane of existence then this'll just make you sad, so why are you here? Why do you want to be here? I'm just nothing. This is kind of masturbatory to have at the start of a document that only I'll see right? I'm just going to scroll past this every time that I read it. oh well.
You can't spell Lucas without Ego.
Poems:
- [+] Fears
-
A message that you’re scared to send
The darkness
Hands creeping out
Grab you by the ankles and
Biting down
A spider’s thread too thin to grab
In the darkness
Limbs sprawling out
A painful ascent beats
An easy turning around
I’ll go out in my terms
On my own terms and nobody else’s
I’ll die in a hospital
In a school, in a building lost to time
Or my own room, because I can no longer move
Make no mistake
My fate is my own
No control you have no control
I have only the signs on the paths
- [+] It Has Found Me
-
t has found me
It has found me
It has chewed me up and spit me out; It has found me
It surrounds me
It astounds me
It opens my mouth with tendrils and then it grounds me
It has found me
I have ran too long
It has found me
It has wound me
Up into a ball of
Pulsing and flesh
It has found me
It confounds me
How strange this lie
of innocense
It has found me
It has found me
It confounds me
It has found me
It is dark and deep and dimly lit
It has found me
It is everything I swore to never let live
It has found me
I was easy to find
It was in me
The whole time
I have found me
It has found me
He has found me
- [+] Insomniac Rising
- Barely sleeping
Always weeping
Waiting for the end of
Nightmares rending
Dream attending
Endless darkness without love
Giant spiders
Where to hide her
The governments are all defunct
Crashing airplanes
Bottled air raids
Birds swoop down and cut you up
Aim a pistol
Ready a bullet
Point it at your father's chest
Feeling helpless
Feeling aimless
Watch it strike him in the mess
Steal a bottle
get chased by a baby
bounding down a great big hill
No more sleeping
No more screaming
I think that I've had my fill
- [+] The Symptoms of Being Me
-
Symptoms:
- Occasional headaches
- Eye pain
- Intermittent carpel tunnel
- Permanently fucked up feeling right ankle
- Scars on left hand
- Nearsightedness in right eye, astigmatism in left eye
- Stomach pains in the morning, digestion problems
- Over sentimentality
- Rare bouts of rage
- Delusions of Grandeur
- Delusions of Insignificance
- Bouts of delirium
- Denial of happiness, self imposed
- Hypertension in thumbs
- Stunted growth
- Abysmal posture
- Crackly joints
- Thin hair
- Decomposing skin
- Fixation on meaningless things
- Fixation on people who don’t care about you at all
- Infatuation with romanticized concepts
- Romanticization of concepts beyond their actual existence
- Romanticization of people beyond their actual personality and life story
- Self hatred
- The seven deadly sins, personified
- Desires to self harm
- Desires to seek help from friends and not professionals
- Refusal of practical assistance
- Acne
- Wide, feminine hips
- The general sense of being unloved
- A craving for human affection
- An inability to be a healthy partner
- Self awareness of lack of right to love, persistent greed for it
- An inability to see own worth
- An inability to understand there is no worth to recognize
- Pretentiousness
- Madness
- Insanity
- Lunacy
- Obsession
- Awkwardness
- A desire to isolate oneself in escapism and trivial pursuits
- Delaying gratification for no discernible reason
- Refusing to accept that there is no place for oneself in others lives
- Sunken eyes
- Creepy smile
- A smile that sticks
- Large nose
- Floppy ears
- Gnashed teeth
- Minuscule hands
- Narcissism
- Masochism
- Depression
- Degenerate hobbies and desires
- Delusions of being able to help others
- Misunderstanding of Love
- Insomnia
- Willing Insomnia
- Nightmares
- Night Terrors
- Dreams
- Hopes
- Habitual lying
- Justification of lying for other’s gain
- Uselessness
- Inability to read social cues
- Clinical Depression
- Manic Depression
- Chronic Depression
- Denial
- Lack of self awareness
- Crushing amount of self awareness
- Contradictions and hypocrisy
- Regret
- Regret
- Regret
- Fixation on past loves
- Wanting to be loved by everyone
- Selflessness
- Lack of regard for self preservation
- Desire to harm self
- Desire to run away
- Desire to not go back to the hospital
- Desire to not go on meds again
- Desire to not see therapist again
- Desire to not get what one deserves
- Anxiety
- Social anxiety
- Crippling, deathly anxiety
- Entitlement
Treatment:
-
- [+] Words Never Spoken
-
I’m glad we got the chance to talk
the other night.
I don’t know if you
remember it clearly since
it was late and you were
tired but I was glad to
get the chance to open
up about a lot of
what I talked
about.
I was also glad
to
have you open up to
me.
I know you
probably don’t think that
we know each other that well
and you’d
be right;
however,
I do think that we
have a lot in common,
which is what
made sharing all that
so easy.
It felt natural
and nice,
even though the subject
matter was so serious.
You’re absolutely right
about
self love and
how important
that is.
I wish I could love you.
I do appreciate you
as a person
for sure, and I do
really feel your pain,
even if it feels like
you have it worse,
but
also,
there’s a part of me that’s
warm
and
tingly
and
it’s been this way
for a while and
has never
stopped.
It’s in my
heart
and
chest area.
I want to get to
know you
better.
I want to have
fun with
you.
None of your friends
cherish you for
who you
are,
and none of
them take the
time to understand
you.
I’ve been there.
You remind me so much
of myself, but you
wouldn’t make the
same connection to
your own
experience.
I could show
you real friendship,
or a relationship,
or whatever
you wanted.
I’d do that
for you and
it’d be no skin
off my back.
It’s unfair to
put all this weight
on you emotionally
but if you look at
things
narratively
it feels natural
for me to
only understand things
after
all
this.
You’re
never going to
read this.
Nobody will.
But I need to
get it out of
my system.
Maybe it will
help if I pretend
that it's a
poem?