Survival Of The Fittest

Hello everyone! The revival of MurderWeasel's excellent critique thread gave me an idea to do one of my own. However! I also want some thoughts about my own characters (mostly due to a recommendation from my therapist, long story I might explain if asked).

So, without further ado, here's how things will work: This thread will be about critique trading, where you guys can give one character to read and critique and I will give you one of my own characters (from the same version) to read and critique. My critiques in this thread will mimic MurderWeasel's critiques, where they should comprise one notable strength of the character and one notable weakness of the character, and each of these strengths/weaknesses will get a small to medium sized paragraph. Critiques done of my characters can have whatever format you desire, and you are free to talk about anything you liked or disliked about my characters.

Here's the exact rules:

1. Requested characters can only be from V5, V6, or V7, as those are the versions that I myself participated in.
2. Trade requests can be one of your own characters (alive or dead), and should include a link to the character's wiki page.
3. My main focus will be on the game proper, and I will read the entirety of all of a requested character's threads in the game proper. I will happily also read some of a character's pregame if you so desire. At your discretion, you can link (or name) one memory thread and/or one pregame thread of your choosing and I will read them and factor them into my critique. Ideally, choose threads that you either think best represent the character, or threads you were happiest with writing.
4. You can read as much or as little of my character's respective pregames as you desire, but do read all the threads of their game proper.
5. You can take as much time as you want or need to finish your own critique of one of my characters, and you are free to hold your critique until I finish my own. You are under no obligation to actually finish a critique (and I will critique any requested characters regardless), but you can't request that I look at another character until you've finished the previous trade.
6. Once a trade has been finished (aka, I have given you a critique, and you have given me a critique) you can freely request another character, whom will be added to the queue.
7. You can mention a preferred character of mine that you would like to read in the request, and the following characters are available for me to give you:

[+] Turtle Characters

V5:
Maddie Wilcox
Sara Corlett

V6:
Penelope Fitzgerald
Isabel Ramirez

V7:
Marceline Carlson
Richard Smith
Amber Yates

V8:
Coming eventually!

8. I'm limiting the queue to a maximum of six characters at a time. However, if you have successfully completed at least one trade, you can freely request a new character (provided you don't already have one in the queue) at any time, regardless of how full the queue is.

Now! With all that said, have at it.

Current
Ace Ortega (??/?? threads read)

Queue

1. Ace Ortega (Buko)
2. Desiree Beck (Jilly)
3. Megan Summers (Zetsu)
4. Jeremiah Anderson (Emprexx Plush)
5. Nia Karahalios (Fenris)
6. Morgan Dragosavich (Cactus)

Pending Trades:
-Yugikun
-Maraoone

[+] Completed

• Jeremy Frasier
• Yuka Hayashibara

i'd give you Michael Robinson just to be a shit and bring up the one version you didn't bring up but actually I'm gonna do Jeremy Frasier

Can I have thoughts on Yuka Hayashibara pls

Neat! I was expecting this thread to get ignored.

Yugi, feel free to look at either Penelope or Isabel.

Mara, take your pick of either Marceline, Richard, or Amber.

random.org says i should read richard smith so that's who i'll take

I have decided to sometimes post updates so people know how far along I am! Current progress will be listed in the OP.

Ignoring my own critique thread I should really get back on...

But, this sounds fun! Equivalent exchange and all that jazz!

Ace

And I do think a pre-game thread is pretty important...let's go with...The Gift My Father Gave Me.

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange."

As for the exchange, Buko, feel free pick whichever of Marceline, Richard, or Amber you think is most interesting.

We talked about it briefly for a bit and I do really need to read v6 like at all, so I'd like to give Penelope Fitzgerald a look through if that'd be all right.

I know it's bending the rules a bit since I don't have any v6 content at all but I'd like to offer Desiree Beck as tribute, just reading her island content is all right but out of any pregame thread if you wanted to look at Generation Loss or Say Yes! To T!nn!ss!!, that'd be good too.

oooh this seems cool and fun :0

Megan pretty pls?

I'll accept this rule bending, just this once. ;D

Jilly, go ahead and read Penelope, since you requested her.

Zetsu, take your pick of Marceline, Richard, or Amber.

Oh boy it's time for the first critique!~

Added a "thread highlight" section to this critique and all future critiques to help differentiate my critique thread from Toben's!~

Jeremy Frasier

Strength: The biggest strength of Jeremy, and I think of Yugi's writing in general, is just how intimately he connects his character's narratives to their thought process. It's extremely easy to understand exactly why Jeremy is doing what he's doing, exactly what motivates him to take action, and his exact mindset and how that shapes his entire character. It's so strong that even when Jeremy makes an impulsive decision and himself doesn't understand why he did something (like agreeing to go along with Alex) the reader still understands why, because they can externally follow his train of thought and see exactly why he arrived at those conclusions.

All in all, Jeremy feels extraordinarily relatable. Which works wonders in both scenes of deep, quiet introspection (Noland The Liar, The Martyr Approach) and scenes of high intensity where Jeremy has to think his way out (Idiot Launch, Miss Atomic Bomb, Love Runs Out), lending them respectively a sense of deep melancholy and enthralling, nail-biting tension that I think many would struggle to match.

To that end, Jeremy's list of things to accomplish and his repeating internal motifs (0% chance of winning the game; but he said it/he did it) give an excellent through-line that frames his entire story. There's never a question of what's motivating him in a particular scene, and even as his mindset changes for the worse, he still always stays focused on his goals, leaving his story feeling complete, even if a lot of it... well, that's next!

Weakness: Now, it would be easy for me to simply say that there are too many words (which is a criticism that has been leveled at Yugi in the past) but not only do I think that's a weak criticism, I actually don't think it applies! While there are a few examples I could point to of sentences/paragraphs that I think could be trimmed down without affecting Jeremy's narrative, these moments are fairly few and far between, and I think Jeremy's word count is appropriate for Yugi's writing style. What I think is the actual biggest problem Jeremy has is that a lot of the scenes he's in feel wasted. What do I mean by that? Well, often or not Jeremy lacks noticeable agency in his scenes and a lot of his scenes have no noticeable impact on his character.

A significant number of Jeremy's threads, especially early on, mostly consist of him not doing much of anything as he talks to the people around him/action happens around him. While some of the time this talking is productive and leads Jeremy to new conclusions (thus letting us learn more about his mindset and thought process), such as Jeremy's interactions with Alex, most of it leads to no new revelations for Jeremy's character and doesn't significantly impact other characters in the scene. In a lot of his threads, it feels like he could have been safely removed without affecting the outcomes significantly.

Which is a shame, because when Jeremy does act, when he does come to new conclusions, when he allows himself to be a driving force in the threads he's in... it's incredibly good! One particular thread I want to highlight for this exact reason is...

Thread Highlight: Miss Atomic Bomb

Okay, I get it. I have gushed a lot about this thread in the past, but Miss Atomic Bomb is (IMO) Jeremy's absolute standout moment, with Love Runs Out coming in a close second. This scene is structured perfectly by Yugi and Cicada, it being a culminating point for both Ben's character and the first real test that Jeremy experiences since he resolved to do whatever it took to complete his list, even if it meant killing.

The dialectical argument between Ben and Jeremy that starts off the thread is fascinating, showing two different, peaceful-in-theory perspectives on how to approach being trapped on the island and wanting to accomplish something while still not playing for the win. It's particularly strong because neither of them are fully in the right; both make fairly cogent points, and the high-strung emotions induce this sense of dread that the scene can only, inevitably progress from a mere ideological dispute into full on bloodshed.

Then, when the shoe finally drops and the duel begins, the tension is palpable. Both characters realize that this entire idea was a mistake in their own ways, but both also come to the conclusion that it's too late to back out, leaving the reader in a suspense as both of them form plans to worm their way out of the situation and it starts to devolve. Then, when the shot is finally fired, that tension is released in what I can only describe as a "silent moment" in a film, only to be replaced by the dread as the consequences finally come into play.

It's extremely good stuff, and I think everyone should check it out.

Also Ben was right and I'm not just saying that because Penelope is my self insert do NOT @ me.

--

Anyway, Jeremy is done! It is now Yugi's turn for a critique.

Next up, Yuka!

If i'm reading your OP right you got a couple empty spaces? Talk to me about Jeremiah Anderson please! He has just two pregame threads that I think are both important, and a memory thread that maybe I will find the motivation to finish by the time you get to him, I'll edit a link into this post if it is.

I do in fact have a few empty spaces! :0

Feel free to take your pick of my V7 cast for the trade!~

Imma get you those Amber thoughts