park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2020 10:16 pm
((Diego Larrosa continues from Madness in the Method))
"Hey, uh.
"I.
"It's been a while.
"I didn't- I didn't really wanna do this, to be honest. I was hoping to save my explanation for when—
"...
"For if I get home. But, uh."
A shaky hand pointed towards a half-gauze face.
"Yeah."
Nervous laughter.
"I mean. I'll live. If anything kills me, it won't be this, I think. I hope. But, um. I got scared. I'm scared. Always have been, but especially now. Figure it's best not to leave things unsaid, just in case.
"God.
"Where do I start?
"Uh. I just.
"If you're still watching, then you've seen me do some awful shit. Like, some really fucking awful shit. And, I didn't. I didn't.
"Fuck.
"I wish I'd been better. I wish I'd told you guys sooner. I mean, I know it's hardly relevant now, what with everything I've done, but it mattered to me back then. It meant something to me back then. Still does.
"I feel like I wasted so many years. I feel like- I look at all my- I looked, I looked at all my classmates just getting to live their lives, and I didn't get to do that. And, now they're all dead, and I'm- I've almost died how many times? Five? Seven? And I didn't get to do any of that. I- I want to get to do that. I've wasted so many years, and I just, the feeling is that I want to grab all the years I have left, I want to reach for it and I want to get as many as I can, no matter how, no matter what.
"I wish I'd told you guys before. I wish I'd been braver.
"I- I want to say I didn't come here intending to do that, to do all that. And, I didn't. Not at first. But.
"God. If you're still watching, then you saw it. The- the, the throat thing. Chris. Her. And, as soon as I saw that, as soon as I saw that happen, the way she died, the way she went, I just, I knew I didn't want to go like that. I knew I didn't want to go.
"So, I, I think that was a lie, when I said I didn't come here intending to do that stuff. I just didn't know it yet. Cause, like, I miss you guys. I want to see you guys. I miss you. I just.
"I think I've imagined this speech a thousand times. Every time I looked at a camera. Cause, I knew I'd have to do it at some point. You can't do those things here and push it out of your mind. I'm good at that. I'm good at not thinking bad things until I can't. But, I can't do that forever. I knew. I knew I'd have to talk to you guys.
"I never stopped thinking about y'all.
"So.
"I'm going for it.
"I'm going for the win.
"There's only, what, a dozen of us left? Has to be around that much. It's- it's so quiet these days. Used to be, you'd hear gunshot after gunshot after gunshot. And sometimes you do. My arms are still shaky, it still feels like it's going off in my hands. But it's happening less and less. There's less and less people around. And, I'm close. I'm real, real close now.
"I spent so long being scared, I spent so long just playing safe, and now I have nothing to show for the rest of my life- for my life. Only you guys will remember me, if you want to- if you still feel like.
"Only you guys will remember me.
"I feel small.
"If you guys don't forgive me, that's.
"I can't say that's fine, no. But, it is. But, I'll understand. I'll understand. But there'll never be a chance to talk things out, there'll never be a chance to fix things, to atone, to make up for all the shit I've done if I don't make it out of here. Everything I've done, I've done because I want to make it out of here, because I want to live, because I want to see you guys again. If I don't make it out of here, it'll all be worthless.
"That's... that's not to say you guys are the cause of this. Not at all. I, I think that's the point of this, why I'm sitting here right now.
"I just.
"I just want you guys to know that none of this is your fault. Do not blame yourselves for any of this.
"I don't like what I've done. I don't like what I've become. I really, really, really don't. I wish I'd been different, I wish I'd been better. But, I really want you to know that I chose this. This is all on me. Everything I've done, every decision I've made, I- I chose this. I want y'all to understand that. None of this is on you.
"And, every decision I will make, everything I will do, is on me. My doing. Me.
"I feel like... I want to say more, but I feel like I'm going on in circles now.
"Yeah.
"I'll have all the time in the world to say what I need to when we meet again. Whether it's soon or not.
"Yeah.
"I love you, Mom, I love you, sis, and I miss you. I love you, I miss you.
"Until we meet again."
The boy looked up. Behind the camera, stretching beyond the island, was the ocean. It had always been there.
((He walked away from the ocean, from the camera, to the house on the horizon.))
"Hey, uh.
"I.
"It's been a while.
"I didn't- I didn't really wanna do this, to be honest. I was hoping to save my explanation for when—
"...
"For if I get home. But, uh."
A shaky hand pointed towards a half-gauze face.
"Yeah."
Nervous laughter.
"I mean. I'll live. If anything kills me, it won't be this, I think. I hope. But, um. I got scared. I'm scared. Always have been, but especially now. Figure it's best not to leave things unsaid, just in case.
"God.
"Where do I start?
"Uh. I just.
"If you're still watching, then you've seen me do some awful shit. Like, some really fucking awful shit. And, I didn't. I didn't.
"Fuck.
"I wish I'd been better. I wish I'd told you guys sooner. I mean, I know it's hardly relevant now, what with everything I've done, but it mattered to me back then. It meant something to me back then. Still does.
"I feel like I wasted so many years. I feel like- I look at all my- I looked, I looked at all my classmates just getting to live their lives, and I didn't get to do that. And, now they're all dead, and I'm- I've almost died how many times? Five? Seven? And I didn't get to do any of that. I- I want to get to do that. I've wasted so many years, and I just, the feeling is that I want to grab all the years I have left, I want to reach for it and I want to get as many as I can, no matter how, no matter what.
"I wish I'd told you guys before. I wish I'd been braver.
"I- I want to say I didn't come here intending to do that, to do all that. And, I didn't. Not at first. But.
"God. If you're still watching, then you saw it. The- the, the throat thing. Chris. Her. And, as soon as I saw that, as soon as I saw that happen, the way she died, the way she went, I just, I knew I didn't want to go like that. I knew I didn't want to go.
"So, I, I think that was a lie, when I said I didn't come here intending to do that stuff. I just didn't know it yet. Cause, like, I miss you guys. I want to see you guys. I miss you. I just.
"I think I've imagined this speech a thousand times. Every time I looked at a camera. Cause, I knew I'd have to do it at some point. You can't do those things here and push it out of your mind. I'm good at that. I'm good at not thinking bad things until I can't. But, I can't do that forever. I knew. I knew I'd have to talk to you guys.
"I never stopped thinking about y'all.
"So.
"I'm going for it.
"I'm going for the win.
"There's only, what, a dozen of us left? Has to be around that much. It's- it's so quiet these days. Used to be, you'd hear gunshot after gunshot after gunshot. And sometimes you do. My arms are still shaky, it still feels like it's going off in my hands. But it's happening less and less. There's less and less people around. And, I'm close. I'm real, real close now.
"I spent so long being scared, I spent so long just playing safe, and now I have nothing to show for the rest of my life- for my life. Only you guys will remember me, if you want to- if you still feel like.
"Only you guys will remember me.
"I feel small.
"If you guys don't forgive me, that's.
"I can't say that's fine, no. But, it is. But, I'll understand. I'll understand. But there'll never be a chance to talk things out, there'll never be a chance to fix things, to atone, to make up for all the shit I've done if I don't make it out of here. Everything I've done, I've done because I want to make it out of here, because I want to live, because I want to see you guys again. If I don't make it out of here, it'll all be worthless.
"That's... that's not to say you guys are the cause of this. Not at all. I, I think that's the point of this, why I'm sitting here right now.
"I just.
"I just want you guys to know that none of this is your fault. Do not blame yourselves for any of this.
"I don't like what I've done. I don't like what I've become. I really, really, really don't. I wish I'd been different, I wish I'd been better. But, I really want you to know that I chose this. This is all on me. Everything I've done, every decision I've made, I- I chose this. I want y'all to understand that. None of this is on you.
"And, every decision I will make, everything I will do, is on me. My doing. Me.
"I feel like... I want to say more, but I feel like I'm going on in circles now.
"Yeah.
"I'll have all the time in the world to say what I need to when we meet again. Whether it's soon or not.
"Yeah.
"I love you, Mom, I love you, sis, and I miss you. I love you, I miss you.
"Until we meet again."
The boy looked up. Behind the camera, stretching beyond the island, was the ocean. It had always been there.
((He walked away from the ocean, from the camera, to the house on the horizon.))