Survival Of The Fittest

Name:Alexander Smith
Gender:Male
Age:18
Grade:12th
School:John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: politics, Dungeons and Dragons, Magic: The Gathering, anime, reading books, attending church

Appearance: Alexander, or Alex for short, is a man of English, Irish, Scottish and French descent who stands at 5’ 8” and weighs 147 lbs. He tends to be about average weight, not weighing too much while still maintaining enough weight to not be underweight. He has big hands and tends to be someone who tries to be elegant and swift in his movements. He has a round head with a masculine jawline and brown, almond shaped eyes. Alex’s nose is slightly long with a rounded tip at the end followed with thick eyebrows and thin lips. His face and arms are slightly tanned after spending time in the sun for a little bit too long. He has dirty blond hair that is shaved on the sides and parted to the right, but he has dyed it a dark black. He grows out a beard only to shave it so that it can grow back thicker and fuller.

Alex tends to dress business casual most days, with a button up shirt and either a pair of cargo shorts or a pair of nice, warm beige colored slacks depending on the weather. He also wears a nice leather jacket and thermals when it is extremely cold outside. For when he is exercising, he tends to wear a tank top with either sweatpants or athletic shorts that make it easier for him to exercise. On the day he was kidnapped, he was wearing a black polo shirt with black cargo shorts, and he carried a pair of dark grey
sweatpants followed by a camo tank top.

Biography: Alexander Smith was born on September 12th, 2003 to Brandon Smith, a retired air force veteran, and Megan Smith (née Johnson), a doctor that specializes in endocrinology, in Tampa, Florida. Due to their employment and salaries, they fall within the middle to upper class, and as a result, they are financially stable and secure. Alexander is the oldest child in the family of three children, with a younger sister, Allie Smith, who is 16 years old and is a sophomore at John Endecott Memorial Academy, followed by Tyler Smith, who is 15 years old and is a freshman at John Endecott Memorial Academy.

From a very early age, he wasn’t very outgoing, and in fact he was very quiet during class, so this resulted in him not making a lot of friends in his early years of school. However, he was placed in speech therapy by his parents, and this helped Alex to break out of his shell, so eventually he was able to develop a way to communicate to his peers and make some potential friends. However, he was socially awkward and sometimes he would alienate his peers and make them dislike him at the very least.

When he was 4 years old, he remembered having to move because his father was being transferred to a new military base, which was close to Boston, Massachusetts, so he had to move and say good-bye to those that he knew, but fortunately he could have a fresh start at his new school where he and his siblings would be attending.

For the first few years of his life, Megan was a stay-at-home parent while his father was serving in the military. He lived near-by where the military base was, so fortunately Brandon was still there to be a father to Alex. Then, his brother and sister would be born, and during those times he was watched by his paternal grandparents.

After his brother and sister were born, Alex noticed that his parents focused on his siblings more than him, and as a result he became jealous of his siblings and angry at his parents due to him not getting the attention that he thought he deserved. He would occasionally throw a fit and his parents would discipline him as a result. Eventually, a young Alex voiced his frustrations at his parents, and as a result Brandon and Megan have made sure that they spend time with all of their kids equally.

Brandon, Megan, and their children have attended church since Alex was old enough to comprehend sentences. Alex learned the teachings of God and how he could see the world as God sees it, which means that you don’t judge others and that there is an innate human nature that can’t be reshaped. This is the root of his beliefs and values.

In elementary school, he was a straight A student in all classes, including physical education and the arts. He was motivated by his parents to get good grades or else he would be punished if he had C’s or below, and he didn’t want to be punished, so that on top of his natural gift for studying and following rules allowed for him to thrive academically, but his social life could have improved. On top of him being naturally awkward, he needed someone to teach him why people were the way they were. He had very few friends, if any, and he would occasionally go over to his friends houses and spend the night.

During his middle school years, he was becoming depressed. He was being bullied by the upperclassmen in the school, and on top of that his parents weren’t getting along during this time. They were constantly fighting, so this resulted in Alex having to step up and be a role model for his younger brother and sister, and despite him not having any experience in being a role model, he was able to learn from his experiences in church, school, and home and this will result in him being a role model for good behavior and moral standards. Also during this time, he was fortunately able to participate in cross country. He was able to exercise and get to know people that he didn’t spend a lot of time with before.
By the time that he had finished his middle school years, he was a physically healthy man that was very introverted and intelligent. When he realized that he was transferring to John Endecott Memorial Academy, he wasn’t all that excited because he knew about the lack of a competitive cross country team that the school had, so he has been forced to run outside of school. Also during this time his friends introduced him to Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons. Fortunately, he had heard positive things about both of those games from his parents, so he was somewhat eager to get into it, and after his first time playing D&D and Magic: The Gathering, he fell in love with both of those games. Since then, he has been a huge fan of them and will continue to play both of those games.

Alexander has become more politically aware and active of the world around him since President Canon was elected as President of the United States. His family, along with him, supported President Canon and his policy positions. He was always more conservative due to the fact that his Christian values and his logical thinking skills allowed him to realize that the policies of President Canon would benefit the country that he loves, even though he doesn’t like the rhetoric of the President. He also is able to realize that we have to adapt to changing times while still keeping the traditions that allowed for America to prosper.

During the pandemic, Alexander couldn’t thrive because he was confined to home, which means that he couldn’t go and run outside or lift weights at the gym, so he was forced to work out from home, which is contradictory to him because one reason he worked out was to have a break from his family. He also has been reading books during this time, some of which includes the Bible, but also read some manga of the anime that he was watching during quarantine.

During this time, he was talking to Allie Jones, a senior who attends J.E.M, over the phone and texting her. They started to get to know each other and over time, they fell in love with each other due to their shared values, similar interests, and desired qualities that they were looking for in a partner. Eventually, they saw each other in person after the pandemic restrictions were lifted. They have gone out on some dates with excellent success, which included watching anime together at Alex’s house, playing D&D together, studying and reading the Bible together, and helping each other with homework assignments. Also, their parents have talked to each other and get along well. For starters, both sets of parents attend the same church , and they both supported President Canon, but unlike Alexander, who wasn’t flamboyant about his political views, both sets of parents were open about their political views, and as a result they were looked down upon by other high schoolers and parents, bu they had each other, along with the people that they knew at church, and they were contempt with that.

Alexander gets along with very few people because he is an introvert and because of that, he doesn’t have a lot of friends outside of the people that attend his church and his girlfriend. He is an honest man and follows the Ten Commandments, even though he has made mistakes in the past. He has a sense of humor that is very broad and can be applied to almost anything.

Advantages: Alex is extremely intelligent and athletic. Due to his time in cross country, he can be extremely quick when it comes to running, and he can lift a lot of weight because he lifts weights in the gym. He has experience with guns, as he occasionally goes hunting with his father, so he is an accurate shot. Also, he can look at things logically when it comes to difficult situations, so he won’t be blinded by emotions.
Disadvantages: His sense of morals might hold him back from doing what needs to be done to survive. Also, he isn’t well liked by some of the people in his class, so he has to overcome the obstacle of dealing with people who don’t care if he lives or dies. Additionally, people know that he supports President Canon, so there is an ideological difference with those who support President Kirby. Additionally, he doesn’t think of solutions quickly, so he will often wait before making an important decision.

Hey there, TheChosen0n3! Before your character can be given a proper critique, please make sure that their profile exactly matches the template. Your section headers need to be bolded, and you need to have spaces between the Hobbies and Appearance sections, and the Biography and Advantages sections. Thanks!

Hello Backlash. I have addressed the problems that you needed me to fix, and have fixed them.

Hello TheChosen0n3! My name is Buko/Chad and I will be taking care of Alexander! I like to begin every critique with a little song and dance and so I am queueing up the tunes! The profile process is just that—a process. The purpose here is to get the best version Alexander out and about into pregame and later maybe into game proper. Anything said here is not said with the idea of putting up hoops or obstacles but instead done in earnest. On that note, because every critique I do begins with a brand-new reading of the profile and posting into a word processor, I may miss things in this initial reading that then comes up in subsequent ones. This isn’t done as gotcha but instead just a result of the human element!

So let us get cracking!

Aside from content, you have some issues regarding formatting.

On the day he was kidnapped, he was wearing a black polo shirt with black cargo shorts, and he carried a pair of dark grey
sweatpants followed by a camo tank top.

Gonna want move that whole sweatpants line up.

Also during this time, he was fortunately able to participate in cross country. He was able to exercise and get to know people that he didn’t spend a lot of time with before.
By the time that he had finished his middle school years, he was a physically healthy man that was very introverted and intelligent.

You present this as a new paragraph, another enter space would be good here.

Overall, in concern to the paragraphing throughout the biography and profile, I think you would benefit from a more traditionalist approach to paragraphing. That being the idea of 4-5 sentences with a main idea. Your decisions to start new paragraphs lack a bit of consistency that lead to a choppy reading experience. I think as a whole, a read through aloud and putting it through a word processor would be a good idea. I always advocate for reading stuff aloud because I think it sorta divorces you a bit from the internal monologue that tends to correct and punctuate properly with no effort.

Hobbies and Interests

This is done in a list format and so you wanna capitalize politics. Referring to the tabletop game, you gonna want to refer it as Dungeons & Dragons as it is a proper noun! Everything else here looks clean and straight forward!

Appearance

He tends to be about average weight, not weighing too much while still maintaining enough weight to not be underweight.

This sentence doesn’t really say much aside from defining what average weight is. I think it’s better that you cut it for the purpose of redundancy and also it just isn’t saying or contributing much to the appearance itself. You lead with Alex’s size; you can let the stats speak for themselves here. I think just going straight into describing his actual physical build as you do is much better for your purposes!

Alex’s nose is slightly long with a rounded tip at the end followed with thick eyebrows and thin lips.

You have an extra space between Alex’s nose and saying that the end of his nose is followed with thick eyebrows is a bit disconcerting and reads very odd. I think you’re best suited giving his eyebrows, nose and lips separate sentences for description or just trying to write this sentence again in a clearer more cohesive way. Start at the top of Alex’s face and work your way to the bottom would be my suggestion as opposed to going directly to the middle with his nose.

He has dirty blond hair that is shaved on the sides and parted to the right, but he has dyed it a dark black. He grows out a beard only to shave it so that it can grow back thicker and fuller.

He currently has black hair, let’s lead with the present. I think the best way to state this would be something to the effect of: Naturally having dirty blonde hair, Alex currently has dyed his hair a dark black. It is often shaved on the side and parted to the right. The following sentence with the beard switches tenses a bit. I think you’re best suited keeping things simple and clean—Alex likes to keep clean shaven with the hope that his beard can one day grow in thicker and with more fullness. Something like that I feel would work better.

The last paragraph that details his clothing appearance is pretty good and straight forward! Fix the spacing issue with the grey pants and you’ll be good!

Biography

The first paragraph is written in present tense and needs to be adjusted to past. This is explicitly vivid in the sentences discussing his parents’ income and careers. I think you can clean this up and split this up into several sentences and it would help you keep cohesive with your ideas and your statements. There’s a bit of an issue with redundancy especially when you look at how you handle the introduction of his siblings this paragraph. If both his siblings attend John Endecott, you can say that once in one sentence as opposed to twice. A writing professor once told me that repetitiveness is the cancer of good writing. Try to reduce the redundancy and stick to main, clear ideas.

From a very early age, he wasn’t very outgoing, and in fact he was very quiet during class, so this resulted in him not making a lot of friends in his early years of school. However, he was placed in speech therapy by his parents, and this helped Alex to break out of his shell, so eventually he was able to develop a way to communicate to his peers and make some potential friends. However, he was socially awkward and sometimes he would alienate his peers and make them dislike him at the very least.


When he was 4 years old, he remembered having to move because his father was being transferred to a new military base, which was close to Boston, Massachusetts, so he had to move and say good-bye to those that he knew, but fortunately he could have a fresh start at his new school where he and his siblings would be attending.

To echo something I said about paragraphing earlier, I feel like this section should be one paragraph and these sentences can be broken up into several. You get caught up sometimes in trying to list a bunch of ideas in one sentence and it causes things to read odd and clunky. Try to simplify and keep each to sentence to one or two main ideas supporting a bigger idea within the paragraph. In concerns to content, this depiction of Alex’s early life has nothing really remiss and is pretty straight forward. Let’s try to get things as clear as we can in concern to how the writing is presented on a technical level.

For the first few years of his life, Megan was a stay-at-home parent while his father was serving in the military. He lived near-by where the military base was, so fortunately Brandon was still there to be a father to Alex. Then, his brother and sister would be born, and during those times he was watched by his paternal grandparents.

Would like a little bit of detail on the paternal grandparents and whether or not Alex enjoyed his time with them and how he behaved with them etc.

Brandon, Megan, and their children have attended church since Alex was old enough to comprehend sentences. Alex learned the teachings of God and how he could see the world as God sees it, which means that you don’t judge others and that there is an innate human nature that can’t be reshaped. This is the root of his beliefs and values.

Since church life is the root of Alex’s character and ideal—let’s get a bit more detail on his church life. Did he participate in Sunday School? What denomination of Christian is he? You make a blanket statement on how God sees the world and what I think you mean to say here is that this Alex’s interpretation of God’s vision. Because these profiles are written from the eyes of the terrorist’s themselves, they are impersonal, apolitical and secular by design. Religion being a main focus of a character is fine and nothing really outside the box and out of the ordinary. Keep in mind though that this is the AT writing about Alexander and not Alexander himself and try to avoid making statements of subjective opinion appear as blanket fact.

In elementary school, he was a straight A student in all classes, including physical education and the arts. He was motivated by his parents to get good grades or else he would be punished if he had C’s or below, and he didn’t want to be punished, so that on top of his natural gift for studying and following rules allowed for him to thrive academically, but his social life could have improved. On top of him being naturally awkward, he needed someone to teach him why people were the way they were. He had very few friends, if any, and he would occasionally go over to his friends houses and spend the night.

We have the same issue of things that should be several simple sentences extending to a odd run-ons. Reduce and simplify my friend! The content is mostly fine here and nothing is too egregious, but the way the information is presented causes some difficulty in parsing it and a bit of a disconnect from the desired purpose of a profile. That is to present what appears to be objective information about your character and their history for ease of access to your fellow RPers.

During his middle school years, he was becoming depressed. He was being bullied by the upperclassmen in the school, and on top of that his parents weren’t getting along during this time. They were constantly fighting, so this resulted in Alex having to step up and be a role model for his younger brother and sister, and despite him not having any experience in being a role model, he was able to learn from his experiences in church, school, and home and this will result in him being a role model for good behavior and moral standards. Also during this time, he was fortunately able to participate in cross country. He was able to exercise and get to know people that he didn’t spend a lot of time with before.

Pretty messy paragraph here. I think the main focus on this should be what I said before—simplify! Simplify! Simplify! But in concern to the actual content, I have questions as to what kind of bullying we are talking about. Was it physical? Just verbal? Did Alex ever attempt to go to a teacher or administrator? What was the severity of the bullying if it was able to go unnoticed by the school and by his parents but still resulted in Alex becoming morose? Remember to keep things past tense. I feel the sentence about cross country feels a bit tacked on and probably deserves it’s own paragraph. So in that spirit, I would like more detail on his experiences in middle school cross country and why he gravitated to it and what he enjoyed about it!

By the time that he had finished his middle school years, he was a physically healthy man that was very introverted and intelligent. When he realized that he was transferring to John Endecott Memorial Academy, he wasn’t all that excited because he knew about the lack of a competitive cross country team that the school had, so he has been forced to run outside of school. Also during this time his friends introduced him to Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons. Fortunately, he had heard positive things about both of those games from his parents, so he was somewhat eager to get into it, and after his first time playing D&D and Magic: The Gathering, he fell in love with both of those games. Since then, he has been a huge fan of them and will continue to play both of those games.

We mix up tenses again and also the way the information is laid out is a bit confusing. Let’s stick to one big main idea for every paragraph as stated before. I think since you’ve given D&D and Magic their own spots in Hobbies and Interests that we need more information on them as individual hobbies. How does Alex play Magic? Does he buy physical cards with an allowance? Is it mostly an online experience? Same with D&D. There’s enough within both of these worlds to reveal characterizations of Alexander. Give me a paragraph on both—and remember simplify! Simplify! Simplify!

Alexander has become more politically aware and active of the world around him since President Canon was elected as President of the United States. His family, along with him, supported President Canon and his policy positions. He was always more conservative due to the fact that his Christian values and his logical thinking skills allowed him to realize that the policies of President Canon would benefit the country that he loves, even though he doesn’t like the rhetoric of the President. He also is able to realize that we have to adapt to changing times while still keeping the traditions that allowed for America to prosper.

To go back to what I said during the religion section, this section in turn has a large amount of editorializing and stating subjective opinion as objective fact. Equating conservative values with logical thinking and then speaking atop to Alex’s opinion on Canon’s policies (divorced from reality or leaving room for debate) reads jarring and not really at place for the medium of the profile. Focus on what being a supporter for Canon means personally to Alex rather than trying to defend or explain the actual policies of the Trump stand-in. The AT isn’t red or blue, they wouldn’t really have a concern for whether or not Canon’s policies actually helped the country. I would center this whole paragraph more onto Alex than having anything to do with Canon.

During the pandemic, Alexander couldn’t thrive because he was confined to home, which means that he couldn’t go and run outside or lift weights at the gym, so he was forced to work out from home, which is contradictory to him because one reason he worked out was to have a break from his family. He also has been reading books during this time, some of which includes the Bible, but also read some manga of the anime that he was watching during quarantine.

Two sentences that should probably be four. This is the first time anime/manga are mentioned even though it’s a note on hobbies and interests. Know what that means? Yup! I’m gonna want another paragraph here with a focus on anime as an interest if we’re committed to having that in the profile. Stuff like what he enjoys about anime, the type of anime he enjoys and other ways he explores the hobby would be sufficient.

During this time, he was talking to Allie Jones, a senior who attends J.E.M, over the phone and texting her. They started to get to know each other and over time, they fell in love with each other due to their shared values, similar interests, and desired qualities that they were looking for in a partner. Eventually, they saw each other in person after the pandemic restrictions were lifted. They have gone out on some dates with excellent success, which included watching anime together at Alex’s house, playing D&D together, studying and reading the Bible together, and helping each other with homework assignments. Also, their parents have talked to each other and get along well. For starters, both sets of parents attend the same church , and they both supported President Canon, but unlike Alexander, who wasn’t flamboyant about his political views, both sets of parents were open about their political views, and as a result they were looked down upon by other high schoolers and parents, bu they had each other, along with the people that they knew at church, and they were contempt with that.

I feel you can separate this into two separate paragraphs detailing a bit more of the initial courtship with Allie and then following up with how the two families interact and co-exist. I would like more detail on Alexander’s parents support for Canon and how it has caused strife in their community. Salem voters supported Trump at a rate of near 25% in 2020. It would be enough for them to feel minority but not enough for them to feel alone. Trump’s support among evangelicals is even higher and so if these two families are attending the same church and active in the same community…there should be a degree where this persecution complex is sorta in the mind rather than in reality. Salem is still very deeply blue and so I can understand the feeling of isolation and persecution that would come with supporting Canon publicly, but it wouldn’t be enough to ostracize anyone.

This paragraph like most of the previous also has some tense issues and issues with run-on sentences and main ideas. Remember what I’ve said before: simplify! Simplify! Simplify!

Alexander gets along with very few people because he is an introvert and because of that, he doesn’t have a lot of friends outside of the people that attend his church and his girlfriend. He is an honest man and follows the Ten Commandments, even though he has made mistakes in the past. He has a sense of humor that is very broad and can be applied to almost anything.

What type of mistakes has he made and how has he struggled in maintaining his faith? Let’s get insight into more of the humanity of Alex rather than the presentation of Alex here. I think you have the right idea for a closing paragraph, my main tip would be to center it more towards Alex and his character and to provide a bit more concrete details of life events to support those characterization. The note about his humor sort of comes out of left field and feels like a weird note to end the biography on. Try to close this out with a clearness of purpose.

Advantages & Disadvantages

Alex is extremely intelligent and athletic. Due to his time in cross country, he can be extremely quick when it comes to running, and he can lift a lot of weight because he lifts weights in the gym. He has experience with guns, as he occasionally goes hunting with his father, so he is an accurate shot. Also, he can look at things logically when it comes to difficult situations, so he won’t be blinded by emotions.

This section is just meant to be straight facts about a character’s advantages and disadvantages—not a place for inserting more life events. Take out the note of him doing hunting with his father and find a place to detail that in the biography. Cross-Country running is endurance running and you don’t really exhibit quickness through it (source: I ran Cross-Country for 3 years and was captain of my middle school team). I would edit that last sentence about thinking logically to be more something along the lines that he has a cool head and strong critical thinking skills. We don’t want to give the idea that Alex has the monopoly on “logical thought”.

His sense of morals might hold him back from doing what needs to be done to survive. Also, he isn’t well liked by some of the people in his class, so he has to overcome the obstacle of dealing with people who don’t care if he lives or dies. Additionally, people know that he supports President Canon, so there is an ideological difference with those who support President Kirby. Additionally, he doesn’t think of solutions quickly, so he will often wait before making an important decision.

The first one isn’t really a disadvantage, most if not all average people would have a sense of morality and ethics that makes killing their own classmates a difficult prospect. That isn’t a specific disadvantage of personality towards Alex. The second disadvantage and the third disadvantage can be combined to simply issue of personality. It’s not so much indicative of a disadvantage of Alex’s part that other people support Kirby—it could be a disadvantage that Alex views anybody who didn’t support Canon as amoral or opposition. Remember to keep things objective and not to editorialize. Waiting before making an important decision is usually just human nature, people prefer time to think and concurrently being impulsive is often viewed as a disadvantage. I think you’re best suited in saying that Alex is indecisive and slow to react here, mostly because your advantages presents him as sort of above human fallacies in concern to thought!

And that’s all! I know it’s a lot but I believe that Alex has potential and that he will be in a much better place come round two! You have a pretty solid foundation and skeleton, we just need to now provide good support and meat on the bones. I may have mixed up my metaphors here. If there’s any question feel free to hit me up via Discord, board PM, messenger pigeon or smoke signals! Though the first two options are your best bet!

Happy holidays and happy editing! Post in here when you’re done and I’ll give Alex another look!