Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Perante Losoa
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Acting in theater, traditional art & sketching, lacrosse, jazz music, photography

Appearance: Perante stands at 5’5'' and has a thinner build at 126 pounds, any fat being stored in his stomach and hips. His shoulders are rounder and his arms are shorter but his legs are longer and more toned due to his involvement in lacrosse. His skin is paler with his English background, but not overtly so with him going outside a lot. His face is rounder and his complexion is mostly kept clear though there are some blemishes on his face.

His hair is more of a darker brown, is pretty messy, and is on the longer side, his hair on the front is swept to the left however. Outside of this, he has very little hair on the rest of his body, aside from having stubble under his chin. Around his hair there seems to be a noticeable rim and it rounds out at the top due to him wearing a hat a lot of the time. His eyes are rounder and a lighter blue color.

Perante’s sense of style is a little weird, mixing formality with things that look more comfortable. Also having good posture and standing up straight, rarely sitting or standing relaxed, also keeping a smile up a lot of the time even if it seems inappropriate. On the day of the abduction, he was wearing a tan polo shirt with a vest that’s a darker shade of his shirt, while wearing gray sweatpants and almond flat tops with rainbow socks. Also donning a red beanie with a chibi Siberian Husky patch on it.

His voice is higher than average and ends his sentences with a rise in pitch, as if he were constantly asking a question. His manner of speech seems to be a lot more informal, adding a lot of emphasis to words as well.

Biography: Perante was born on November 22 to a Chesley Losoa and an Angèle Haydée, both of whom immigrated to Salem, Massachusetts beforehand with their respective families. His mother also kept her maiden name upon marrying. Both parents married as a result of a shotgun marriage, and his parents wanted to keep the child, but made a lot of mistakes while parenting. Namely, due to a lack of maturity themselves and from how they were raised, his father was physically abusive while his mother was complicit with his actions.

This went on as he went into elementary school. The effects of this were shown, he seemed purposefully shut off from the other kids and spent most of his time drawing. He had trouble doing well in school, having trouble paying attention and retaining things. Eventually his teachers started to first take notice at 7 years old that something was off. They’d go on to ask about bruises they were starting to see on him, at first he was refusing to say anything was wrong, insisting things were fine. He didn’t want to cause more trouble than what was worth and therefore nothing changed for a year, when he was finally coaxed into saying what’s wrong. CPS intervened and an investigation began, eventually it was decided he needed to be removed and he was moved to a licensed foster home. His new family consisted of both parents and a daughter, the couple being Colin Riley, a mechanic, and Patsy Riley, an interior designer, and the daughter Aspyn Riley, who was around 7 at the time. While he felt safer with being here instead of with his old family, any damage was done, and he found it pretty hard to connect with them. Despite any efforts by both parties, it was really hard for Perante to really see them as an actual family, something which he felt somewhat insecure and guilty about. Despite his birth parents being pretty abusive, he always felt like calling them back at some point. Not really for any good reasons though, he just wanted to scream at them and tell them how much he hated them. He never has the heart to go along with it though.

When Perante entered middle school, insecurities started to form and he developed an inferiority complex, feeling like he was worthless and he really hated how he acted. As a defense mechanism, he started to act a lot more outgoing and purposefully tried to seem more confident, sometimes to the point of arrogance. This obsession with giving off an image that everything was fine would only grow with him, it was only a matter of time before he tried to hide any semblance of sadness or anxiety as well. This mask he put on was pretty convincing, convincing a lot of people that this was who he was. The only ways to really tell that something was up was how overly defensive he got when someone questioned anything he was doing, though people usually attributed this to him being pretty egotistical. While this actually managed to help out with his social life, having more people he’d consider friends, he still had those connection issues, feeling pretty far from a lot of them. A lot of them were people he felt like were only friends with him because of this facade he put up, motivating him to continue this and continuing to hide the more reserved part of him. A lot of the people he ended up being friends with were people he personally didn’t like all too much either, but only pretended to like as not to disappoint people or to anger anyone. In actuality there were only about 4-5 people he legitimately enjoyed the company of, most of which were quieter and shared similar interests to him.

His grades continued to suffer as well, they never really improved above a C and he just felt tired all of the time at home. Falling asleep in class somewhat frequently as well. If anything came out of this, he improved his art skills during this time and managed to take an interest in music and started playing the saxophone when he joined a band class. His parents noticed most of this though, and feeling concerned, referred him to a therapist. While there, he ended up getting diagnosed with anxiety, and started taking Lexapro. Worth noting though that Perante would skip taking his meds whenever he could, still feeling like it messes with that image of normality he set up in his head. Most of the time though, any attempts he would make wouldn’t work, his parents started to make extra sure he took his medication and would watch him as he did so. For a while he’d put it in his mouth only to spit it out later but eventually he conceded and started to actually ingest these pills.

High school started to become pretty different for him academically. Most of the required classes, he still ended up with subpar grades, albeit he was getting more B’s than usual and D’s were non-existent, there started to become exceptions and areas he would excel at. Math ended up being something he managed to be great at, and when it came to electives, he took a lot of art related classes, taking theater for the fine arts credits and finding out that he actually enjoyed that a lot. On the other hand, as he went into high school his own coping mechanism started to grow in an unhealthy way, he was convinced that this mask he was putting on was the only thing people liked about him, and that if he dropped this, people would hate him for acting fake, or would just find him boring now.

At a certain point in his sophomore year, his friends asked him to join a couple of clubs and after school activities along with them, seeing as he was currently doing nothing of the sort at the moment. Being one who doesn’t like saying no to anyone, he’d say yes so as to not disappoint anyone. He started cycling through a lot of these clubs and after school activities, joining only to lose interest in a lot of them within a matter of a week, with only a couple ones he’d find interesting, participating in lacrosse and continuing his interest in theater and photography, which was newly developed, saying that he wanted to capture the beauty in life.

When it came to his parents, they personally didn’t really mind his performance all too much, while they were encouraging him to do better than C’s and occasional B’s, they really just wanted him to be happy. And while he still had issues connecting with them, he had grown to appreciate them, finding his relationship towards them more based on respect than actually being a family however.

When it came to his friends and his sister though, he’d become overprotective of them, sometimes to the other parties annoyance, he’d go on and jokingly claim that he felt the others were too stupid to not get themselves into trouble, really though he just hated the idea of conflict and felt slightly paranoid, not wanting anything bad to happen to people he cared about. This would conflict with a couple of people, him seeming a bit overbearing, but he didn’t want to seem too controlling so he could be persuaded otherwise if objected enough.

The lockdowns from the quarantine ended up doing some good for Perante, at home he never really had to feign confidence all the time anymore and felt more comfortable being at home, finding it cathartic. While he was pretty disappointed with not being able to talk to the people he genuinely liked, he still tried to make due with video chats and interactions on social media. During this time, he also decided to start hard work at improving his skills on the saxophone, though while he’d play that a lot more, he’d refuse to play loudly as not to bother anyone, which would impede any progress a certain amount but nevertheless, his skills improved a lot during that time frame.

Over time a lot of the friends he had has slowly drifted away, whether it was just because their interests weren’t compatible or they just simply stopped talking, he still had a lot of people he only pretended to like but he still kept the people he legitimately like around, personally he wasn’t too bothered by that, though it had made him feel insecure in a way how some people would just forget about him after a certain amount of time.

Perante was always a bit of a flirt, and while he never really pursued any relationships further, he still had crushes on people of both genders, mostly judging people on looks but he’d prioritize people he found sweet and confident. At one point there was a boy he found he had an infatuation over and would purposefully end up meeting all the time, claiming it was a coincidence, and trying to talk to. The relationship stayed unrequited though, and as of now he still has a crush on them and is trying the same things.

Art continues to take up a lot of his time, being one of his more favorable hobbies. Most of the time he’d try to go for realism and he’d draw a lot of sceneries and locations. Photography was similar and that he’d prefer taking pictures of landscapes instead of objects or other subjects, though it’s not something he’d be against doing. A lot of the time he just lets most of these works go unnoticed but occasionally he’d share what he does at school and brag a bit.

Currently, Perante works at a local 7/11, putting in the hours though refusing to climb the ladder, his progress staying mostly stagnant. His current plans for when school ends would be to take a year off to gather some extra income and then go to college to become an interior designer just like his mom. He’s still putting up a front however, and his insecurities are only becoming worse, if this were to come crumbling down it’d spell trouble for him.

Advantages: Physically, Perante’s faster and more agile than average, so he’ll have the ability to outrun a good amount of people, and if needed, can dodge more hits in a fight. Additionally, having more stamina and endurance. A more friendly attitude towards others and a preference to diffuse situations way before things get ugly also makes him a better person to be around and makes him less likely to get into any conflict. In a shorter period of time, he’ll find himself easily able to get a grip on his emotions and can control them easily, letting him stay calmer and think clearly in dire situations.
Disadvantages: The most notable disadvantage would be the fear of human contact, something that has the ability to make him instantly freeze up or start running will prove fatal, especially in a life or death situation. Even with a weapon against someone unarmed, any melee combat might prove too much for him to handle and his odds of losing are still pretty high. Emotionally he finds himself unable to properly handle more intense feelings, so while he’d be able to mask what he’s feeling and stay outwardly calm for a bit, eventually things have to crumble, making him susceptible to outbursts or shut out if left alone long enough. Additionally, being nice and him actually trusting people are two very different things to him, he finds it harder to connect with people so finding allies he can actually trust beyond a simple truce will be harder for him.

Hello CardboardAirplane! My name is Buko/Chad and I will be taking a look at Perante today! I would like to do two things first though—firstly thank you for the patience you’ve exhibited thus far in waiting so long for an initial critique! It is noted and appreciated! Secondly, I would like to give you a schpeal I tend to give everybody…which is to say that the profile process is just that: a process! We may go multiple rounds and stuff not said in this round may be brought up in subsequent ones. It’s not to create obstacles or barriers of entry and instead is done in the hope of getting the best version of Perante into pregame proper!

So with that said…let us get to work!

The first section leading into the appearance all looks good from my vision and opinion. Clear and to the point and with the Hobbies & Interests done in list format. Good work! I feel this pattern continues onto the appearance and that’s also a good thing! From my read of this all the sections leading up to the biography are solid enough and you present an interesting aesthetic and employ some clever characterization elements with your appearance choices. Good effort and solid job!

Onto the biography!

Firstly, we have questions coming in the form of Perante’s parents. When we say immigrated—do we mean moved? Are they US citizens and if not—where are they from? How did the immigration process itself go? That needs to be given more detail and attention if we are going to make Perante’s story an immigrant one. I don’t necessarily read that as the intention, and we are working with a lot in terms of the topics handled in this biography. I don’t know if we need the added wrinkle of this being an immigrant story.

Now let us get onto the abuse story. I think what we need right here is more information on both the character and personalities of Perante’s birth parents. We have a very hard leap to go from shotgun marriage to abusing an infant and toddler. Perante’s mother was complicit in this abuse—was she abused herself? Physical abuse and specifically domestic and child abuse is something that is very real and thusly needs be handled with an equitable amount of respect. I myself am a survivor of domestic abuse and was the target child of a paternal abuser. These are stories that are worth telling and being spoken on—but within the context of a play by post RP game it is important not to trivialize. I want more information on the context surrounding Perante’s abuse and the reasoning behind it, especially if it is something that he has complicated feeling towards.

In regard to the actual consequences of the abuse—I think you hit it out of the park. So much so that I question the need for the abuse to be physical and not simply neglect. I think you would get the same mileage and the same need for CPS involvement if what we’re seeing Perante suffer from is malnutrition, dirty clothes and general extended school absences as opposed to actual physical abuse. Not that all those other things aren’t worthwhile of repudiation and evil—they carry with them less triggers than actual parents putting hands on children. This is something I think is worthwhile to consider but it is not a demand. If you feel the physical abuse is integral to the concept as a whole, I think you can get to the point of it being acceptable by leveling up the research and respect exhibited. I think the quicker route to getting approval is for neglect. I think that fits more with young teens unprepared for parenthood rather than child abuse.

An issue in this part of the biography that sort of extends throughout is the paragraphs. Namely the size of them. I would reread your writing and reconsider how your paragraphs are organized. On this note, I do see some repeated words and issues of tense grammatically. I am not one to parse through profiles with a fine-tooth comb in concern to grammar stuff. I read them aloud and I place them in a word processor. I would ask you to do the same. I think you would pick up on a lot of your mistakes and in general it is a good bare minimum to take in profiles going forward. Reading aloud is something I have found beneficial in all forms of writing and I mention it without fail in all my critiques. It is a simple solution, but it is something that has strong resonance in understanding how your work reads to others. Do yourself a favor and place this in a word processor and run it through a spelling and grammar check—then read it aloud. Then repeat. You’ll find the whole piece much stronger by the end of that effort. Guaranteed.

The rest of the biography is pretty strong and solid and I enjoy the respect towards and acknowledgement of mental health and medication in treatment of it. I am someone who has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and take Lexapro for it and so the taking of the medication and subsequent improvement of grades all spoke to me as being rooted in realism and being very respectful and well researched. It spoke to my own experiences. I would advocate again for the same thing I did in the previous paragraph—break up your own paragraphs to be focused on a main idea each. Keep it succinct and keep it clear. A profile is a place that runs in counter to our usual practices as writers. We want to tell everything and leave nothing just for show.

I think this is enough for a first past of this biography and I’ve given you enough to work with and think through. I think you have a solid foundation here and a good opportunity to build an interesting character. We just need some more expansion in care in certain areas to bring him up to par. Something indicative of this is lacrosse, we have him being in it in the hobbies and interests and we have physical advantages mentioning quickness and a general athleticism--but nothing really in the biography. The rule of thumb organizationally is usually that if it merits a mention in hobbies and interests--it merits a paragraph in the biography. Think about the core of what you want to say and what you want Perante to be about. Be judicial in what you decide to place importance on and give everything that you place a level of importance to a consequent amount of research and expansion.

Onto the next part, advantages and disadvantages! I like to think of these sections as conclusions of a character. No new information should be introduced, but we should get a general idea of how they move and operate. I think this is solid stuff, but I think both the advantages and disadvantages could use with a bit of succinctness and cleaning up in language, specifically in the disadvantages I feel you say stuff in two sentences that can be done in one. The biography is a section for detail, this is one to be short and sweet! A particularly egregious example is when we are describing his agility in advantages. You can just say that he is more agile than average, we do not need expansion or detail for what that would mean in a conflict. SOTF is a high anxiety, life or death situation and it's participants are largely kids unskilled in matters of hand to hand combat and gunplay. That's not a disadvantage, that's an expectation. Just like with everything else, be judicious with what you say and be clear with your intent!

And that’s it for round one! If you have any questions or wish for any expansion or explanation feel free to hit me up via board PM or Discord! Good luck with the edits and I look forward to seeing the next iteration of Perante (who I call Perry in my mind).