Doom and Gloom, Up in his Room
Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2022 2:05 am
The confessional was about the closest thing there was to a ’safe space,‘ in his opinion.
Using such language tended to make the young adults among his attendees cringe or glare, and so Father Ariel Iglesias Valenzuela never actually said it aloud.
Still, it was the best label he could think of for the confessional. He had heard many secrets in the small, connected rooms. He’d heard minor stories-people who used someone else’s item without permission or eaten the last snack out of the candy cupboard. He’d heard more major problems-cheating partners and the occasional criminal admitting to a certain crime. He’d heard stories where no true sin was committed-regrets for feeling uncomfortable with their body or feeling attraction outside of heterosexual expectations.
So many stories, and every time he would help them all he could. Offer advice when prompted. Offer an ear to be heard with. Offer support for those who need it. While there are many sins one could commit, the biggest he himself could feel is not listening. Everyone deserves to be heard, and he would make sure that would be the case for all who entered this sacred ground.
That included the new voice that spoke up on the other side of the wall.
“So…forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” it said. “That’s how this is supposed to start, yeah?”
There were several things to note about the other person from that alone. Age. Dialect. Gender, possibly.
He ignored any and all these thoughts as he chuckled and responded. “Usually, but exceptions can be made if you would prefer otherwise.”
A sigh. “I guess. I just…I’m not used to doing this. Not the religious one in the family. That was always Sa-…that was always my grandmother.”
Avoiding a name. Someone he didn’t want to talk about. Or perhaps he felt certain things needed to be kept secret, even here.
Father Ariel only shrugged his shoulders, despite knowing he could not be seen through the wall. “You are in a place where you will not be judged. Whether this is the first of many visits or the only time I hear your voice does not concern me. What concerns me is hearing whatever you have to say.”
There was a lull in the conversation. A familiar feeling. The one on the other side was considering whether or not they should go through with this. Many people, new to this as well as used to these traditions, went through these motions. It was nothing new.
The other voice let out a sigh-a breath they were holding in. “Okay, so…I was supposed to go on this trip. School thing. Dad wanted me to have some time to de-stress, thought it would be fun, signed up and was all ready to go and do it. Everythings going fine.
“Then, the morning of the trip happens. I’m eating breakfast with-with my brother. Dad’s in the bathroom doing whatever. Grandma’s making herself something. Things are going fine until she just…stops. Like, freezes on the spot. I look up from my plate in time to hear her mumble something about toast before she just-she goes down like she just got shot.”
He couldn’t see them, but Father Ariel could tell they were shaking as they spoke.
“I-I ran to her, I called for Dad-screamed for him really. T-My brother was already scared and panicking. Once Dad came out of the bathroom I tried calming him down, but I had to focus on calling nine one one once Dad started panicking because she was bleeding-she was bleeding from the head-and it felt like forever for the ambulance to come. Him and my brother rode with her in it, but…before they left…Dad still tried to talk me into going on that trip. That I had been working so hard and thought I deserved a break. That I deserved some time away, even if this mess was going on here.”
Another pause. They didn’t sound scared now. More like they were tired.
“I…I told him he was crazy if he thought I was going to leave at a time like this. And I followed the ambulance to the hospital in his car.
“Turned out it was a stroke. Doctors tried their best, but…there were other issues. The blood…she’d hit her head on the counter when she fell. Something about internal bleeding and the stroke combined just…”
There was a sound from their side. Hands making contact with denim. Like they had done an over-exaggerated shrug.
“She didn’t make it.”
Talking stopped again. They were letting the information sink for Ariel. He could tell there was more to this story.
“My brother and Dad…they’re both still taking it pretty badly. My brother was always closer to her than I was, and Dad…she was his mom, you know? How could he not be fu-messed up over it?”
A part of him was tempted to say it was fine to curse in this instance, but he did not want to interrupt.
“I drove us all home that night. Ignored my phone and pretty much everything for the day and just. Focused on them. Because I felt bad, yeah, but at least I could function compared to them. I needed to be strong for them.
“And…it was only after they passed out at like, four in the morning, I finally looked at my phone and saw the texts and…”
The breath they took was shaky. It was clear now that they were crying.
“The bus I was supposed to take to the trip never arrived.
“They-the news said it was a crash. I can’t remember the details, but…everyone that was there was dead. Everyone that was supposed to be going on a skiing trip was dead. Over a hundred of people in my class were dead.”
A panicked tone entered their voice as they continued.
“And-and I was supposed to be one of them. If Sa-if my grandma hadn’t had a stroke-if she hadn’t died, I would’ve been fucked! And that’s…what the Hell am I supposed to think about that?! How am I supposed to feel about the fact that-if she had just been fine, if she lived through that day, I would’ve been dead?! How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I…”
They trailed off. Father Ariel could recognize what was going on at this point, but knew this wasn’t going to be the end.
They gulped down any saliva in their mouth. It was loud enough for him to hear.
“And then…the other day happened.
“And now…my grandma died, and because of that…I’m not on Survival of the Fittest.”
Using such language tended to make the young adults among his attendees cringe or glare, and so Father Ariel Iglesias Valenzuela never actually said it aloud.
Still, it was the best label he could think of for the confessional. He had heard many secrets in the small, connected rooms. He’d heard minor stories-people who used someone else’s item without permission or eaten the last snack out of the candy cupboard. He’d heard more major problems-cheating partners and the occasional criminal admitting to a certain crime. He’d heard stories where no true sin was committed-regrets for feeling uncomfortable with their body or feeling attraction outside of heterosexual expectations.
So many stories, and every time he would help them all he could. Offer advice when prompted. Offer an ear to be heard with. Offer support for those who need it. While there are many sins one could commit, the biggest he himself could feel is not listening. Everyone deserves to be heard, and he would make sure that would be the case for all who entered this sacred ground.
That included the new voice that spoke up on the other side of the wall.
“So…forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” it said. “That’s how this is supposed to start, yeah?”
There were several things to note about the other person from that alone. Age. Dialect. Gender, possibly.
He ignored any and all these thoughts as he chuckled and responded. “Usually, but exceptions can be made if you would prefer otherwise.”
A sigh. “I guess. I just…I’m not used to doing this. Not the religious one in the family. That was always Sa-…that was always my grandmother.”
Avoiding a name. Someone he didn’t want to talk about. Or perhaps he felt certain things needed to be kept secret, even here.
Father Ariel only shrugged his shoulders, despite knowing he could not be seen through the wall. “You are in a place where you will not be judged. Whether this is the first of many visits or the only time I hear your voice does not concern me. What concerns me is hearing whatever you have to say.”
There was a lull in the conversation. A familiar feeling. The one on the other side was considering whether or not they should go through with this. Many people, new to this as well as used to these traditions, went through these motions. It was nothing new.
The other voice let out a sigh-a breath they were holding in. “Okay, so…I was supposed to go on this trip. School thing. Dad wanted me to have some time to de-stress, thought it would be fun, signed up and was all ready to go and do it. Everythings going fine.
“Then, the morning of the trip happens. I’m eating breakfast with-with my brother. Dad’s in the bathroom doing whatever. Grandma’s making herself something. Things are going fine until she just…stops. Like, freezes on the spot. I look up from my plate in time to hear her mumble something about toast before she just-she goes down like she just got shot.”
He couldn’t see them, but Father Ariel could tell they were shaking as they spoke.
“I-I ran to her, I called for Dad-screamed for him really. T-My brother was already scared and panicking. Once Dad came out of the bathroom I tried calming him down, but I had to focus on calling nine one one once Dad started panicking because she was bleeding-she was bleeding from the head-and it felt like forever for the ambulance to come. Him and my brother rode with her in it, but…before they left…Dad still tried to talk me into going on that trip. That I had been working so hard and thought I deserved a break. That I deserved some time away, even if this mess was going on here.”
Another pause. They didn’t sound scared now. More like they were tired.
“I…I told him he was crazy if he thought I was going to leave at a time like this. And I followed the ambulance to the hospital in his car.
“Turned out it was a stroke. Doctors tried their best, but…there were other issues. The blood…she’d hit her head on the counter when she fell. Something about internal bleeding and the stroke combined just…”
There was a sound from their side. Hands making contact with denim. Like they had done an over-exaggerated shrug.
“She didn’t make it.”
Talking stopped again. They were letting the information sink for Ariel. He could tell there was more to this story.
“My brother and Dad…they’re both still taking it pretty badly. My brother was always closer to her than I was, and Dad…she was his mom, you know? How could he not be fu-messed up over it?”
A part of him was tempted to say it was fine to curse in this instance, but he did not want to interrupt.
“I drove us all home that night. Ignored my phone and pretty much everything for the day and just. Focused on them. Because I felt bad, yeah, but at least I could function compared to them. I needed to be strong for them.
“And…it was only after they passed out at like, four in the morning, I finally looked at my phone and saw the texts and…”
The breath they took was shaky. It was clear now that they were crying.
“The bus I was supposed to take to the trip never arrived.
“They-the news said it was a crash. I can’t remember the details, but…everyone that was there was dead. Everyone that was supposed to be going on a skiing trip was dead. Over a hundred of people in my class were dead.”
A panicked tone entered their voice as they continued.
“And-and I was supposed to be one of them. If Sa-if my grandma hadn’t had a stroke-if she hadn’t died, I would’ve been fucked! And that’s…what the Hell am I supposed to think about that?! How am I supposed to feel about the fact that-if she had just been fine, if she lived through that day, I would’ve been dead?! How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I…”
They trailed off. Father Ariel could recognize what was going on at this point, but knew this wasn’t going to be the end.
They gulped down any saliva in their mouth. It was loud enough for him to hear.
“And then…the other day happened.
“And now…my grandma died, and because of that…I’m not on Survival of the Fittest.”