Already Gone

[Dr Adjective]

[This is what happens, Evie. This is what happens when you find a Stranger in the Alps.]

Claire gave Evie her wish, and before long, the wounded brunette was as good as alone. Alone with her thoughts, with what she wanted to get off of her chest, and with the not-so-distant telltale sounds of someone else in motion elsewhere in the building. Alone in the brisk chill of the still indoor air, and the cold, creeping feeling of dread that would’ve set her hair on end no matter the heat.

The dread of owning up to being who she actually was.

"God, where do I... I mean, I hope you're not listening, you know? You shouldn't have to see this. Like, I already died, right? Every other time this happened, they faked the deaths, didn't they?"

Evie had picked her camera of choice, tried to look directly into it. It was easier than actual eye-contact. She swung her legs around to perch on the edge of the infirmary cot, hunched forward a little, hands on her knees. It made her feel smaller, more vulnerable. Maybe it was a little bit on purpose.

"Anyway. Um. Hi. I'm alive. Been better, Alex stabbed me with a spear, but Claire did a great job patching it up, and it wasn't as bad as it could've been I guess? I... fuck, what do I say? I love you, obviously. Hope you're all coping okay."

Evie's face sank. The sinking feeling was mirrored in her chest. She’d always had something to distract her from it so far, but it had to be confronted eventually: she was going to die here, and all Claire had really done was prolong the pain. Quite literally. An uncomfortable edge was added by the necessary addendum: unless she went home a killer. Evie had spent her life trying not to do anyone or anything any harm if she could help it, so that was a non-starter, wasn’t it?

If she could help it.

Her whole worldview rested on the notion that she didn’t need to make others suffer for her survival. She could get by just fine with kindness to her peers and plants on her plate, back in the real world. Survival here was another matter.

No. Not the subject right now. Evie forced herself to put on a brave face and look back up at the impassive lens. Unlike a person’s eyes, it couldn’t judge her, or show hurt. But she changed the subject anyway.

"Um... I stashed Christmas presents under my bed. Don't know if you've found them already, but I hope you like them. Or liked them? Is there a time delay on these? I think there is. And um. What else? Oh, uh, while you're under there, my old bag with all the badges, uh... don't look in there, just throw it out."

A genuine blush rose in her cheeks briefly, and for a moment she really was successful in distracting herself from the logical progression that made killing her way home morally acceptable. She stayed on the distraction path, focused on the normal things she wanted to say to her family and the non-violent goals she could still pursue on-island.

"Um. Yeah. Oh. Hopefully I'll run into Kelsey Brewer at some point, so, um, fair warning if I do and you're watching that, if-when it happens. I um. I was gonna have her come by over Christmas, and we'd tell you together. I... I like her."

The pause was long and awkward for her. She hadn’t actually said it, and she didn’t intend to go to her grave only implying her authentic self. Evie swallowed hard, gripped the fabric around her knees tighter.

"Yeah. I'm... I'm gay. Super gay. Didn't really plan on this being how I told you."

Evie gave a wry smile. It felt good to finally have that off of her chest. It was silly really, Aphrodite overcoming her with desire for a girl was really at the bottom of her list of worries right now, and deeply unlikely to cause her any problems for the rest of her life. Who ever heard of a homophobic hate crime in Survival of the Fittest? That notion made her laugh a little. And then clutch at her wounded flank when the motion disturbed the healing process under the bandages there.

"So. Yeah. I dunno what else I can say to you. Love you. Miss you. I hope you stop watching before... I mean... either I'm gonna die here, or... I hope you can forgive me if I don't?"

That seemed an uncomfortable way to sign off. But what else was there to say?

“I wish…”

She wished a lot. Wished she could jump into duo queue with her brother again, shred air-guitar and do terrible AC/DC impressions with her father again, get into an hour-long tangent about history’s greatest monsters with her mother again. Wished she could finish the saved games that would presumably sit in her hard drive forever. Wished she could curl up with her giant sea otter plush and daydream about pretty girls to the sound of Tegan & Sara again. Wished she could come out to her family and friends in person, have a normal life with a normal girlfriend and God willing she could make that a normal wife and a normal house and a normal dog and maybe some normal kids and…

Tears flowed freely from Evie’s eyes. She wasn’t sure when they’d started.

“Jesus, look at me,”

The hard-wearing fabric of her overcoat was rough against the tender skin of her face, but it felt good in a way. Felt real, and felt like having some control.

She wished she was anywhere but here. That’s where the thought could end now.

“I love you, I really… really fucking do.”

Evie bit her lip. Swung her feet back and forth.

Nope, nothing else she could think to add.

The walkie-talkie rook a moment to extract from her pocket, then some fumbling to make sure it was still on the correct channel to reach Claire. Seemed easier than searching, if she’d gone far.

“Hey? Uh, you there?”

Beat

“…over?”

[Claire has a Book, and Evie is there too.]