Survival Of The Fittest

Amy contemplated dying- she contemplated a lot of things.

...

Her family was probably worried. The first time she thought of them she felt weird, like there was fish flopping in her stomach, so she stopped. And every time after that, she vehemently refused to think about them any further. But, like, there was knowledge and there was truly feeling it, and somehow it was a little more of the former? Like, they don't feel real anymore. And she knew for a fact that they'll be grieving, and they'll be the only people who'll remember her because she didn't care for people until it was too late, and it hurt. But the pain was dull and it was shallow.

Did that make her a bad person? Did not grieving Mariya and Prii and Josh make her a bad person? It hurt to think about them, and it was human nature to turn away from what hurts. So she hoped not.

The names were meaningless to her. She couldn't match a face, a voice, or even the barest hints of personality in them. Amy wished she knew who Madeline was so she could hate her and maybe feel grateful or something but the syllables all conjure up nothing in her head.

She looked at Wendy. Bit her lip. She wondered if the girl knew about this sort of experience. Probably not. Amy always thought of herself as unique.

Was she grieving? She didn't feel like it. Amy got the feeling like grieving was sad, but she mostly felt empty.

Then again, maybe she was grieving herself. But that'll actually make less sense, because she should also be scared, and she wasn't scared, either, or at least she didn't think she was. Sometimes she wished she was less unique, less weird, because it was always so hard to sort these emotions out.

She should try it, though. the whole grieving stages. Maybe she was actually at denial?

She hated the fact that it emotions were so hard to process. They were the hardest to write for, too. She liked processes, not feelings.