Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Sylvie Rattray-Aubert
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: Senior
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Cheerleading, socialising, fashion, plushie collection, casual video games

Appearance: Sylvie is very short, standing at 4 feet and 7 inches tall and weighing 71 lbs. The rest of her body is proportionate, at least her upper body, which is petite and lithe. Her lower body, including her hips and thighs, are on the slightly thicker, curvier side, somewhat due to her Growth Hormone Deficiency causing abnormal fat distribution, but mostly because of her gymnastics exercises. She has a very powerful core as a result. Her legs themselves are decently long compared to the rest of her, giving her a slightly elongated appearance.

She has a head of neat, straight light blonde hair, slightly wavy at the ends that, when let loose, goes down to around the middle of her shoulder blades. She usually has it done in a bun or either a half up or fully done ponytail, almost always with her signature red hair tie, the long, sharp tips of the bow pointed and stuck out nearly like a rabbit’s ears.

She has a round face with soft, youthful features. Her eyes are large, almond-shaped and a light hazel, with thick, curved eyebrows slightly darker than her hair. Her nose is small, delicate, and slightly upturned, her ears are small, round, and unassuming, and her lips are proportionate, with a subtle curve. She’s almost always seen with at least a little makeup on, a subtle mascara at least.

In terms of fashion, Sylvie loves experimenting with different outfits from predominantly peppy, feminine and casual aesthetics, particularly those from her favourite style, a combination of cutesy, sporty and comfy, varsity jackets and hoodies slightly too big for her, tank tops and skirts, all usually various combinations of red and either black, making the school colours, or white, her personal favourite combination.

Biography: Sylvie Rattray-Aubert was born in the lap of luxury, an only child to parents William Rattray and Anne-Marie Aubert, two highly educated attorneys who co-founded their own law firm in Las Vegas, Rattray-Aubert, seeing an opportunity in the relatively small population of large legal firms and cashing in on it, to great success as it grew rapidly after its conception. A Vegas native Irish-American and a Frenchwoman studying abroad, they met during their respective law educations at Stanford Law School, where they fell in love and resolved to continue their lives together, Anne-Marie deciding to stay and build a life in the home country of her partner.

Sylvie grew up in a very high-end, large modern home with her parents, proving to be a remarkably cheery child from her infancy to kindergarten. Besides the occasional broken toy or torn outfit, she really wasn’t a crier, always meeting her parent’s affection in perfect kind, smiling and giggling. Her mother would teach her French as she grew up, to keep her in touch with her side of the family. Her parents spoiled her, especially with stuffed animals, to which she took a shine. On her fourth birthday, she received a red hair tie with two ribbons jutting from it in a bow from her mother, one she had made herself. Sylvie cherished this gift and constantly fumbled around with it in her hair until she learned to put it on and style the bow perfectly. Eventually, she started seeking outfits to go with it, developing a love for just how much she could express about herself and her personality purely through the medium of what she wore, and thus Sylvie’s next biggest hobby came forth. The hair tie remains a staple of her style to this day.

Entering elementary school, she grew and matured in tandem with the other children. She made friends especially fast, her peppiness and cheerfulness blossoming, creating some bonds that lasted all the way to high school, and developed emotionally, heavily learning from and enjoying her interactions with the other children. This was one of the happiest periods of her life.

Around when middle school started, however, things began to take a turn when her parents noticed that, in comparison with the other kids, Sylvie just wasn’t growing. Most other girls her age were beginning to mature further, get taller, start puberty, Sylvie seemed way behind. At 10 she was still only as tall as a toddler. She and especially her parents began to worry. This wasn’t a normal development pattern for a child of her age. So, Anne-Marie and William brought their child to a paediatrician, where Sylvie received a diagnosis and the family received some bad news.

Sylvie suffered from severely mutated protein receptors. Specifically, the ones that bound growth hormones together to be able to function. She had an idiopathic case of Growth Hormone Deficiency, explaining her stunted height as it was and her even more stunted rate of growth. Her parents paid for her treatment to start immediately. She received GH through daily pen injections, her treatment overseen by a paediatric endocrinologist. The treatment began to work, and Sylvie did begin to grow, but at a snail’s pace over the course of middle school. The doctors discovered that her GH receptors were so mutated they were essentially insensitive to the hormones’ effects, which meant treatment, even with the resources her parents could afford, was slow.

Her treatment took place over the course of her middle school years, where her stunted growth became very noticeable. And notice it her fellow students did. Easily the shortest kid by a wide margin at the time, Sylvie became a very popular target for teasing and outright bullying for her stature. Outside of the few dedicated friends she’d garnered from elementary school, Sylvie became a laughingstock during her middle school years, the constant stream of verbal and physical abuse additionally causing her to withdraw from nearly all social interactions. Her parents quickly noticed and moved to try and support her, both emotionally at home and by pressing the school's staff itself about it. However, the public talks and assemblies regarding this, which the staff decided to hold in response, only served to make her a bigger target.

Sylvie was miserable, acting the recluse she was treated as, her cheeriness barely there anymore. She developed a deep self-loathing for her body and height, as even outside of school she was infantilized and treated as much younger and less mature than she was, even on occasion by her parents and friends. All of this contributed to Sylvie developing very low self-esteem.

To cope, Sylvie turned to her hobbies, both old and new. Fashion became more of a private solace than an outward expression of herself as she explored ways to try to make herself feel beautiful and confident to little effect, and her childhood love for stuffed animals reignited as they became sources of comfort and nostalgia, of a better time in her life, attaching her to them further.

Her enjoyment of video games also emerged during this time; for her tenth birthday, her parents got her a Nintendo Switch, and it saw great use during this period. Casual and relaxing games which she could enjoy on her own offered an escape from the daily struggles and anxieties of her real life. She was especially attached to games which offered her to live a second life, a kinder one, over which she had total control, such as Animal Crossing and Stardew Valley. These attachments solidified over the course of this period of her life, and she would thusly continue enjoying them after they'd passed.

Entering Southwest Red Rock High School, Sylvie’s puberty had ended, and with her bone maturation essentially concluded, her endocrinologist concluded that further treatment was impossible, to her and her parents’ chagrin. Still only 4’7 and a measly 60 lbs, Sylvie assumed the same treatment would be awaiting her in high school. However, fate turned the tables on her once again when very early in her freshman year she caught notice of a poster advertising tryouts for the cheerleading team. The requirements called for, ideally someone just like her. After a few days of mulling on it against her self-consciousness, and some key encouragement from friends and insistence from parents, Sylvie swallowed her fear and went for it.

She was blown away by how well it went. She had a natural flexibility and a penchant for gymnastics, but what really sold the coach and the rest of the team was the very aspect of her body she’s come to loathe: her size. It combined with how light it made her gave her the perfect qualities to act as the team flier, the coach told her; she could be flung in the air and move about in flight with remarkable ease. With actual practice, she could be amazing. She was thus put on the team as one of the fliers.

Nearly instantly, her social life was flipped back on its head. The cheerleading team provided her with a brand new friend group, and by extension, a sort of barrier of social status. The vast majority of instances of bullying against her disappeared as she found her niche. She rigorously developed her gymnastics and acrobatic skills for her cheerleading due to her newfound attachment to it as the thing that essentially saved her life.

Cheerleading wasn't only an out from her state of social depression and rejection; she held a genuine love for the sport itself. Physically, it kept her healthy, her exercise bringing her up to and maintaining her at a healthier physical state. Her body's role in how well she could perform helped alleviate a bit of her self-consciousness related to it, and performing in front of crowds as well as the encouragement from her teammates gave her a burgeoning confidence. She also loved the expression that could be achieved in cheerleading routines through dance and acrobatics, and the team's role as a source of school pride and support for its sports teams. She felt like she had found something that she could call her passion in school.

Over the course of high school, Sylvie happily settled into her new normal, and her demeanour began to repair itself in turn with the developments in her social life. Her bubbly, extroverted personality began to resurface in accordance with how the rest of her new clique acted, she began to indulge in her passion for fashion in public again as she began to put effort towards the way she looked and the way she acted towards others.

In accordance with the styles of her new clique and her own taste, which aligned with her reemerging sunny personality, Sylvie began refurbishing her wardrobe. She focused on clothes that were cute, preppy, sporty, and comfortably casual. Slightly oversized hoodies and varsity jackets, skirts and leggings, tank tops, sneakers being among her favourites. She cared much more about how her outfits looked than where they came from; she'd thrift and buy from high-end boutiques alike, from famous designers and fashion companies such as Kate Spade, Alice & Olivia and Chloé, to budget fashion such as American Eagle and Uniqlo to find pieces for her outfits. Sylvie really didn't mind, as long as she thought they looked good on her. What really mattered is that she felt like she could express herself again.

She began to actively seek out social interaction within her new social circle, going out to parties, hangouts, shopping, luxuriating herself in just the act of spending time with other people as she hadn't been able to for so long. She maintains this love of socialisation to this day. Thus, she established a reputation as a popular, extroverted and cheerful girl, friendly with anyone who'd pay her kindness in turn. Through that, she expanded her circle of friends, socially reached out to old ones again, and formed deeper connections with the rest of the cheerleader group. The jocks were always close as well, and among them she found a crush in a certain Claude O’Neil Porter. Sylvie felt ecstatic about this, like she was on top of the world after having been beaten down for so long, and she wanted nothing more than to maintain her newfound social status and keep going on this path.

Her parents, however glad as they were that their daughter’s life had turned around, began to push back against her sole focus on her cheerleading and her social life. As Stanford Law graduates, they took education very seriously and began to push Sylvie to do the same now that she was in high school, with a focus on law and its practice so she may eventually follow in their footsteps after graduation, even pushing her to join the debate team on top of cheerleading.

Though the constant study and her experiences in the debate club meant she garnered good knowledge on many topics from politics to law to history and served to develop her rhetorical skills, as well as giving her a slightly stubborn and sarcastic edge, it did put her under a lot more stress. It wasn't even a topic she enjoyed all that much, viewing her participation in it with antipathy due to the time and brainpower it takes from her.

This new studying drive set in place for her also included putting in more revision and upping her performance in all of the general subjects of the school. Although the steady schedule of revision did manage to get her those scores, she found herself struggling with keeping up above-average grades in STEM subjects, really not having a head for the numbers-and-equations, pure logic side of education, finding them dull and boring. She was more attracted to the humanities subjects, especially social studies, specifically finding the study of sociology and human relationships fascinating. It was, however, another addition to the accumulating pile of sources of stress in her life, and she began to worry about how she'd perform in such a future as planned out by her parents, even if she got through all this in high school.

Sylvie tries her best not to resent her parents for the educational pressure they put onto her, feeling conflicted about her feelings towards them inwardly, though she does act her usual kind and cheerful self to them most times, and they tend to respond in kind. She tends to keep these opinions and feelings of stress from her parents out of fear of their reactions. This easy yet somewhat irrational acquiescence was a holdover from her state of mind from when she was bullied.

They were not totally oblivious, however, and did outwardly recognize some of the stress she was under and attempted to counteract this; late freshman year, they took her pet shopping, and she came back with two new friends: Liz, a pomeranian, and Dizzy, a white budgie. She developed deep attachments to both of them as sources of relief from her newfound stress, caring for them becoming an activity she looked forward to as a sort of solace. But new pets didn’t fix everything, and Sylvie all in all now had a very delicate and stressing balance of facets in her life to take care of.

Additionally, years of self-deprecation and hatred as well as sensitivity towards her height didn’t disappear overnight in the advent of her newfound social acceptance; she still struggles with her perception of herself and general infantilization, going as far as to hide her still-present hobby of collecting of plushies and her love for the things in general from most in fear of being seen as some immature kid once more, by association with her size and appearance.

Due to these latent issues with her low self-esteem, Sylvie is desperate to keep her current friends and position in the school's social hierarchy. This has led to her falling in with some bad influences, who have convinced her to take part in underaged drinking, shoplifting, and clubbing through fake IDs as prompted by the more delinquent members of her social circle. Despite having managed to avoid getting caught in these acts by any authority figures thus far, Sylvie inwardly feels sickened by her doing this, being a lawful person at heart and dreading what her parents would think if they found out. But, reluctantly, she forces herself through it, justifying to herself that it's worth it to be out of the social abyss she was in just some time ago.

Despite this, she maintains her optimistic and cheery personality in front of everyone, including her friends and acquaintances. With the people she considers the closest to her, however, she can become prone to venting her anxieties and stresses, seeking comfort on the topics of her variety of problems from these people she genuinely trusts.

Her casual gaming hobby also reaffirmed itself during this time, her switch becoming a way to escape the new stresses in her life. She turned to her old favourites, but also expanded into more narratively-driven casual games, though ones that still gave her the degree of control she wanted, such as Spiritfarer and Unpacking, deeply enjoying the narrative creativity that could be established through the medium.

As Sylvie began to rebuild her confidence through cheerleading and newfound social acceptance, she found herself facing another, deeply personal dilemma: her emerging feelings of attraction to both boys and girls. At first, she brushed off these emotions as passing curiosities, but over time, they grew too persistent to ignore. Her infatuation with Claude remained a cornerstone of her romantic daydreams, yet she couldn’t help but notice her gaze lingering on some of her teammates during practice, or some of the other girls she was friends with in general. These feelings bewildered and unsettled her, conflicting with the image of herself she had worked so hard to construct. Fear of judgment or ostracism kept her from discussing it with anyone, leaving her to navigate these emotions in private. While she felt a growing desire to embrace and express this part of herself, she worried what it might mean for her already tenuous balance of self-worth and social acceptance.

All in all, due to her parents' rigorous studying routine for her combined with the work she feels she has to put in to fit in socially, Sylvie as of now feels like her whole life is constantly on thin ice. She’s managed, however, to preserve this balance of work and extracurricular, all while holding together a circle of mostly genuine friends, avoiding bullying, and maintaining largely unfeigned happiness all the way to senior year. She's even managed to maintain a pleasant and positive relationship with her parents despite the pressure they put on her, still inwardly resisting the urge to resent them. Post-graduation, she, or at least her parents, have a solid plan for her to follow their footsteps with a law degree from Stanford Law and then enter law practice in her parents' firm. However unenthusiastic and worried about it she is, she accepts it as a sort of inevitability at this point.

Advantages: Sylvie's height and flexibility grant her natural advantages in stealth, the ability to squeeze herself into small, tight spaces being chief among these. She also possesses marked nimbleness and dexterity, her acrobatics giving her an edge in the traversal of some difficult terrains.
Disadvantages: Her height and build make her strikingly feeble in terms of physical strength. Physical altercations, carrying heavy loads, are all unlikely to end in her favour. Additionally, her low confidence means she can rather easily be made to follow and comply with others, especially in such an emotional context as Survival of the Fittest.

Hey there L! I'm Deamon and will be doing the critique of Sylvie for you today. She's off to a good start but is Denied as we have parts of this profile that need cleaning up before we can go further.

Hobbies and interests should just be a list so for what you have down for Sylvie it should look like so:
Hobbies and Interests: Cheerleading, gymnastics, collecting stuffed animals etc.

The information about the hobbies themselves should be contained within the biography section of the profile itself, being detailed when they appear in the timeline.

This is an issue that will come up a few times in the profile but things like the italics on the below are too informal for a profile, within the fiction of the game these are supposed to be as if a disaffected member of the AT has written it up. So they should be clean and clinical:

Sylvie is short. Very short,

So when you go through the profile on this edit I'd like you to look out for those instances and edit them.


What do Sylvie's ears and nose look like?

Sylvie loves experimenting with different aesthetics and outfits, though there are some that stand out as particularly her favorite styles.

What are her favourite styles? What do her outfits look like generally?


Just because both of Sylvie's parents are down as not being American and went to Cambridge, which is in England, I have to ask this but why did they both choose to go to America and why did they choose Las Vegas to live? They were both in England and could have gone and got positions at firms in London, which is closer to both their families. This seems like a big jump and choice to make considering they would also both have needed to sort out some sort of immigration into America in the first place.

Her parents spoiled her- especially with stuffed animals,

So these hyphens are used like this throughout the profile which is the only reason I'm pulling you up on it but hyphens aren't used for this purpose in writing, you want to make these either commas or a proper em-dash —, the code for an em-dash is alt+0151 on a standard keyboard.

Outside of the few dedicated friends she’d garnered from elementary, Sylvie became a social outcast and overall laughingstock during her middle school years, despite her parents’ complaints to the staff and their attempts to support her, and Sylvie was miserable, acting the recluse she was treated as, her cheeriness barely there anymore.

This sentence is massive and can likely be split in two for readability. This happens a few times throughout the profile so I'd like you to read it through again and look for these instances where you have large run-on sentences and tidy those up.

Additionally, what did the staff actually do regarding the bullying Sylvie was suffering from? Clearly, her parents were aware of it and had raised it to the school so I'd like to know what was done about this and what the result was for Sylvie, although we can assume it didn't go great. Also, and I admit this is a minor thing, but if she's being bullied for being small she's not being treated as a social recluse, withdrawing from social interactions is just what her response to the bullying ended up being. So this will need to be fixed up to make it clearer what happened.

On another note, we have next to nothing on Sylvie's relationship with her parents so I'd like some detail for this to be added for both parents.

Entering Red Rock High School,

Southwest Red Rock High School please.

The requirements called for, ideally… someone just like her.

This is another example of the tone issue I mentioned earlier.

Before Sylvie knew it, she was on the team as their flier.

Just a minor thing, but cheer teams have multiple fliers, so she would be on the team as a flier, not the only flier.

and the general student body no longer saw her as that weird, laughably tiny girl; she was the cheerleading team’s star flier.

This is an example of some soft GMing as you're saying that every other character saw Sylvie as a weird laughably small girl but you can't blanketly state how other characters perceive yours, so this will need to be edited, and also the flier thing again.


With Claude's name, you need to capitalise the N in O'Neil.

Over the course of high school, Sylvie happily settled into her new normal. She developed her reputation and social life further, expanding her circle of friends, finding old ones again, and forming deeper connections with the rest of the cheerleader group.

How did she find and feel about doing this? How did she feel about her new social status? What is her general reputation at school? We have a lot of times in this profile where we're told things that happened to Sylvie but we're not given much interiority about how she found these events and her opinion on them, so I'd like some of that added to the profile.


For profile structure with this second to last paragraph, the part that covers her high school and cheerleading still should be moved and put on the end of the cheerleading paragraph. Then the part about her parents making her study should be a new paragraph on its own.

With Sylvie's studies and time at school, what subjects does she enjoy and which ones doesn't she? On top of that, why does she feel that way?

Does Sylvie like being in the debate club? If so why and if not why and does she want to leave? How does she feel about her parents forcing her to join?

How does Sylvie act generally and what is her personality like? Does she behave differently around people she is friends with and comfortable around compared to others? These are all questions it would be good to have answers to as it tells us more about Sylvie as a person. Because at present the bulk of the profile is about her Growth Hormone Deficiency and her cheerleading, we don't really have much detail about any other aspects of her life.

How does Sylvie feel about her pets and caring for them?

With this latent low-self esteem, Sylvie also feels she had something to prove. If it meant preserving her current position, she’d make some less than ideal decisions and follow a few of her ‘friends’ down some less than ideal roads. Combined with her parents’ rigorous studying routine for her despite her otherwise pleasant and positive relationship with them, Sylvie holds a lot of inner stress, like her whole life is constantly on thin ice. Sylvie does manage to maintain a general genuine positive outlook; she’s managed to preserve this balance of work and extracurricular, all while holding together her circle of genuine friends, avoiding bullying, and maintaining a mostly unfeigned cheery personality all the way to senior year, with a solid plan to follow her Parent’s steps with a law diploma from Cambridge, which she has to admit she’s looking forward to. What could possibly go wrong now, she wonders. She has this in the bag, right?

This whole section will need to be rewritten to be the correct tone. The thing you want to aim for here is that each section of her life should be given its own paragraph if needed. So for this section, her personality should be on its own, with her relationship with her parents being expanded and given it's own section, then her future goals in its own paragraph with things like what she wants to go and study and where outlined, along with any career plans. The rhetorical question however should be removed, as this is supposed to be a formal document.

The advantages and disadvantages will need to be rewritten to match the desired tone and the correct formatting for a profile. It should look like the below example:

Advantages: Fitz has a sizeable amount of knowledge about SotF which will benefit him in avoiding obvious pitfalls, such as being aware that killing too early brings negative attention from other students, and his knowledge of the rules and mechanics combined with his paranoia about it occurring has led to him considering ahead of time what he'd do in the game, enabling him to think of a course of action quicker than most once in it properly. Fitz is good at keeping a straight face while lying, and unlikely to trust others on a whim.
Disadvantages: Fitz is underweight and has few physical hobbies, and will be at a disadvantage in any situation that requires physical activity or outdoor travel. Fitz comes off as either delusional, a liar or both, which decreases the chance of people trusting him. He’s unlikely to find many allies due to mutual distrust. Fitz is not prepared for the reality of SotF, and ill-placed confidence that he knows how to respond to the situation is likely to backfire on him.

In addition her second disadvantage isn't really a disadvantage worth noting. Pretty much every person will not react well to seeing someone they like die and pretty much everyone will also be hesitant about participating in the game and killing others. As such I'm going to ask you to come up with a different disadvantage for this.

So that's everything I picked up on with this pass, post back here once you've made the edits and then I'll take another look at Sylvie for you! Thanks!

Deamon wrote: Sat Nov 16, 2024 11:05 pm Hey there L! I'm Deamon and will be doing the critique of Sylvie for you today. She's off to a good start but is Denied as we have parts of this profile that need cleaning up before we can go further.

What a stupid idea! Who wants to edit their profile at three in the morning?!

OH BOY, THREE AM!

Hey L! Sylvie is looking a lot better! I can see that you've cleaned up and worked on a lot of the stuff I brought up last time in terms of tone and general structure which is great, so now we can dig down a bit deeper and try to pull out some more details about her as a person while also tidying up some other parts that still need some work.

standing at a puny 4 feet and 7 inches tall and weighing a meager 71 lbs

We don't really need to have puny or meager here.

Eventually, she started seeking outfits to go with it, and thus Sylvie’s next biggest hobby came forth.

Alright so, we have this down as a hobby but don't have much detail on what she enjoys about fashion, it could be things like enjoying the creativity or expressing herself through her clothing choices, just details that expand on Sylvie's personality and what she's like as a character.

However, the public talks and assemblies in regards to this the staff decided to respond with only served to make her a bigger target.

I like the change you've made to this section about Sylvie being bullied but this sentence is messy and could be tidied up, it feels like it needs a comma or semicolon at the very least.

Though the constant study meant she garnered good knowledge on many topics from politics to law to history, and also gained a slightly stubborn and sarcastic disposition from her experiences in the debate club, it did put her under a lot more stress, especially from it being a topic she didn't even enjoy all that much, viewing her participation in it with antipathy due to the time and brainpower it takes from her, but keeping these opinions from her parents out of fear of their reactions, the easy yet somewhat irrational acquiescence being a holdover from her state of mind during bullying.

This is one long sentence. It has some good ideas within it, like the acquiescence point, but you can do with splitting this into a couple of different sentences and expand each point individually in that way.

Sylvie tries her best not to resent her parents for the educational pressure they put onto her, feeling conflicted about her feelings towards them inwardly, though she does act her usual kind and cheerful self to them most times, and they tend to respond in kind.

This sentence is also pretty long. I've noticed this a few times where you try to cover multiple ideas in the same sentence when you'd be better served splitting them up and going into more detail on each point. I'd like you to reread the profile with an eye out for these moments and look to break those sentences down and rework them.

With this latent low-self esteem and meekness left over from her years as a bullying victim, if it meant preserving her current position, she’d make some less than ideal decisions and trust some less than virtuous people as her friends and influences, following them down some less than ideal roads.

This is too vague for a profile. Profiles are meant to cover every aspect of a students life that's relevant. If Sylvie has been pushed into doing things by bad influences then it needs to be explained exactly what those things were. As well as the classic questions of how did she react? how did this make her feel? etc.

Through it all, she somehow manage sto maintain a general genuine positive outlook;

Manages to, you've accidentally hit space early. Also, this feels like the same point that was just made in the paragraph above it, so I'm not sure how necessary it is to have here.

Ok so, in the hobbies and interests, we have socializing, fashion, plushie collection and casual video games listed but none of these show up within the profile in any real way, so I'd like these to get a paragraph each explaining what it is she likes about them, why and how she actively participates in them. These paragraphs will need to be added in the chronological points they show up in her life as well.

The advantages and disadvantages are still not formatted correctly, you need to have them set up like the biography with the section starting immediately after the title on the same line, like the example I copied in my last post. Also a line break has been added between the advantages and disadvantages which needs to be removed.

And that is all of it! Post back here once you've made the edits and I'll take another look for you!

Deamon wrote: Sun Nov 17, 2024 7:29 pmHey L! Sylvie is looking a lot better! I can see that you've cleaned up and worked on a lot of the stuff I brought up last time in terms of tone and general structure which is great, so now we can dig down a bit deeper and try to pull out some more details about her as a person while also tidying up some other parts that still need some work.

Smoking edit pack, geeking off adapting my writing to outside criticisms

Alrighty, we’re getting pretty close now. But there’s still parts that need some work.

For the fashion hobby this still really isn’t enough detail. If a hobby or interest appears in the list it should have its own paragraph. The reason we want to see this is these are supposed to be the biggest things that the character likes to do, a key trait basically. Plus describing how characters engage with their hobbies allows people to get more understanding of them as a person. So I’d still like more detail on the fashion interest. What sort of styles is Sylvie interested in? Does she have specific designers or brands she likes? How does she shop for new pieces? Does she thrift or does she buy new? These are all questions that give information both about the hobby itself and reveal aspects of Sylvie’s personality.

For her other hobbies I can see that socialising was given a section and plushie collection appears at different points but video games still only shows up briefly once. So again I’d like more detail on this, What are her favourites? What does she like about playing video games now? Especially as her social situation has changed since she started playing them as escapism. For gymnastics this is actually a different enough discipline from cheerleading that I’d like it to get a paragraph of its own covering it.

What does Sylvie like about doing cheerleading?

and also gained a slightly stubborn and sarcastic edge from her experiences in the debate club serving to develop her rhetorical skills,

Sylvie’s experience in the debate club can certainly develop her rhetorical skills, but this is not the sentence to append this detail. The way it’s written makes it read like her being stubborn and sarcastic developed her rhetorical skills. The details of what skills she picked up from the debate club would be better in their own sentence for readability.

Sylvie tries her best not to resent her parents for the educational pressure they put onto her, feeling conflicted about her feelings towards them inwardly, though she does act her usual kind and cheerful self to them most times, and they tend to respond in kind, keeping these opinions and feelings of stress from her parents out of fear of their reactions, the easy yet somewhat irrational acquiescence being a holdover from her state of mind during bullying.

Moving the acquiescence detail here is better from a structural standpoint but the way you’ve done it has made this sentence longer. I’d asked you to watch out for this and try to break some of these long sentences up and that remains the case. Appending the acquiescence detail here clutters this up more as this sentence is trying to hold multiple ideas and subjects at once. Make sure you’re rereading the profile to find stuff like this and try to break these bigger sentences down for me.

With this latent low-self esteem and meekness left over from her years as a bullying victim, if it meant preserving her current position, she’d make some less than ideal decisions and trust some less than virtuous people as her friends and influences, following them down some less than ideal roads, participating in underaged drinking, gambling, and other errant acts as prompted by the more delinquent members of her social circle, such as one Joanne Martinez. Sylvie inwardly feels sickened by her doing this, but she reluctantly forces herself through it, justifying to herself that it's worth it to be out of the social abyss she was in just some time ago.

We’re getting there with this section and I think the idea of her doing this stuff out of a fear of rejection and going back to how her social life was previously is very strong. That said, I think it can be polished some more. At the moment it feels like we’re muddling a strong a clear point with unclear language. I think something a bit more like the below gets the same point across in a more immediate fashion:

Due to latent issues with her low self-esteem Sylvie is desperate to keep her current friends and self-perceived position in the schools social hierarchy. This has led to her falling in with some bad influences who have convinced her to take part in underage drinking etc. etc.

I would say that we don’t need the reference to Joanne here. This is the only time she appears in the profile and just referring to bad influences and the like covers this. Plus it saves potential awkwardness if Joanne never actually appears. A couple of other things here, what “other errant acts”? Remember that this needs to include full details, if Sylvie and her friends are say shoplifting that needs to be included here. How exactly are they doing underaged gambling exactly? Why does doing these things sicken Sylvie?

And that’s everything! Post back here once you made the edits and I’ll give Sylvie another look! Also you don’t need to worry about quoting me each time you reply as I’m pretty consistent with checking the boards.

Ok I think we’re basically there, just some general tidying up left and then we should be good to go.

somewhat due to her GHD causing abnormal fat distribution

As this is the first time Sylvie’s growth hormone deficiency is mentioned in this section it should be referred to in full, you can then use an abbreviation later on in the profile. Foreshadowing as this may come up again.

She developed a deep self-loathing for her body and height, as even outside of school she was infantilized and treated as much younger and less mature than she was left and right, even on occasion by her parents and friends, accidentally, additionally leading to her developing a markedly low self-esteem.

In this sentence you can take out left and right and put a period after friends. Then in the next sentence you can sum up with something like “all of this contributed to Sylvie developing very low self-esteem.” as it just makes everything flow a lot better.

Even the other tryouts were impressed.

This aside sits weirdly in the paragraph, I’d probably just stick to the coaches reaction.

I think the part about why she likes cheerleading is great and has really good character information, but we’re still missing the paragraph about gymnastics. If Sylvie is just doing cheerleading and not gymnastics then that’s fine but it should be removed from the hobbies list if that’s the case. If she is also doing gymnastics, then it’ll need a paragraph. Either option is fine with me, so it’s dealers choice.

to resurface in concordance with how the rest of her new clique acted

I don’t think concordance is the word you mean here. Accordance means conformity or agreement in the context of this sentence so you’ll want to put that instead.

Fitting in with the styles of her new clique, and in concordance with what aesthetics she herself was attracted to and thought would fit her with her reemerging sunny personality, Sylvie predominantly began seeking out and wearing clothes that were cute, preppy and sporty, but at once casual and comfortable.

Use of concordance again here. Also again this sentence is very long and has what I’d describe as excess words. It can be tightened up and be given some better clarity. The reasoning can be one sentence and then what Sylvie began seeking out could be another for example.

friendly with anyone who'd pay kindness in turn.

It feels like you’re missing her after pay here.

This easy yet somewhat irrational acquiescence was a holdover from her state of mind during bullying.

From when she was bullied rather than during bullying.


Ok the bad influences section is looking much better, just two things: has there ever been any consequences for Sylvie with these behaviours? Judging from how the profile continues I’m assuming that so far she’s managed to avoid anything bad happening or her parents finding out, but I’d just like this clarified on the page. Second thing:

Sylvie inwardly feels sickened by her doing this, being a lawful person at heart and loathing the thought of what her parents would think as lawyers.

the thought of what her parents would think is very clunky, we can use something like “and dreading what her parents would think if they found out.”

All in all, combined with her parents’ rigorous studying routine for her despite her otherwise pleasant and positive relationship with them, Sylvie as of now feels ike her whole life is constantly on thin ice.

Combined with isn’t really the correct phrases here given how the rest of the sentence goes. You want something like due to or because of. The second highlighted part should be taken out of this sentence and put by itself in a little description of what Sylvie’s relationship with her parents is currently like.

In Sylvie’s advantages, as her flexibility is being mentioned in relation to her stealth abilities just combine this with the other part about her stealth.

In disadvantages you’ll need to put Survival of the Fittest in full as it’s the first time it’s mentioned.


And that’s everything! You know the drill, post here then I’ll look over everything again.

LESS THAN AN HOUR HOME STRETCH

Alright, alright, Sylvie’s basically there and the bisexual angst paragraph looks good.

Just two things:

She was more attracted to the humanities subjects, especially social studies, slightly fascinated by the study of sociology and human relationships, specifically.

I think that we can reorder some words here to make it read better. Put “specifically finding the study of sociology and human relationships fascinating” and I think it’ll read a lot better.

She's likely the weakest person in the entire grade in this regard.

This is sitting a bit too close to the passive GMing line, if you could just replace it with an explanation of why being incredibly weak is bad—which y’know fairly easily—it’ll be fine.

And then we’ll be good to go.