Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Manuel “Mañana” Hernández
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: Senior
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Playing and watching basketball, cooking, long walks with his dog, spending time with his family

Appearance: Manuel is quite tall, standing at 6’4 and weighing 188 lbs. His body is lean and athletic, and his skin is dark brown. His shoulders are moderately broad, tapering into a lean but well-built torso, with long limbs lined with toned muscles.

Manuel has a square-shaped face, and its features are sharp and defined. He has high, shallow cheekbones and a strong, angular jawline. His eyes are large and coloured a striking amber, with a focused and piercing gaze, and his eyebrows are thick and naturally furrowed. These features all contribute to a very natural serious and intense demeanour. His nose is straight and somewhat thick, and he has large ears, balanced with full lips totalling in a face whose resting expression is a stern frown. His hairstyle usually consists of thick, short, naturally dark brown dreadlocks, styled high and neatly on top of his head with the sides shaved, designed to add height and visual boldness. He is staunchly against the idea that dreadlocks are unprofessional, and thus keeps this style on even in formal settings.

Manuel doesn’t give too much thought towards his clothing, but he leans towards sporty clothes and streetwear. He is most commonly seen wearing tank tops, zip-up urbanite jackets, rugged shorts and his favourite pair of Jordans, all usually in a colour scheme close to the school colours.

Background:
Manuel Hernández was born on July 22nd, 2007, in the middle-class Las Vegas neighbourhood of Meadowbrook to two locals: Latin-American factory assistant manager father Josep Hernández and African-American stay-at-home mother Danielle Hernández (Née Loveridge). They had met as Josep frequented the café Danielle had worked at before resigning to facilitate taking care of a family and had been together for five years, married for one before having Manuel. He was a happy, but loud baby, whom the Hernándezes had no problem raising peacefully in an economically stable home in a decent neighbourhood and their mixture of Latin American and African American cultures.

Having been taught both directly and by simply listening to his parents at home, Manuel was a decently practised bilingual by the time he entered the education system. He thus bonded fast with English and Spanish-speaking children around him alike. He largely tended towards physical development as a child and developed a competitive streak as he played with the other children. At four years old, his parents gave him a little sister, Rosa Hernández. Besides the occasional sibling spat, Manuel took a friendly and protective shine to her, fitting the role of older brother like a glove.

Entering elementary school, he began to develop his interest in basketball. It started with him watching along with his mother and father, and his extended family, all of whom were both big fans of the sport. They supported the Las Vegas WNBA team, the Aces, as their local team. He gradually became enamoured with the fast-paced action, the individual and team strategies used by players, and the sheer excitement of how close the games could get. He soon expanded his viewing to teams outside the Aces, and began to approach the hobby outside of watching games on TV: he’d play with his father in the back yard and his friends at playground courts. He took in several stars of the game as his role models, most prominent among those being LeBron James. Manuel admired his humility despite his fame, and simply how cool he was.

Late elementary school was also when his interest in food and cooking began to emerge, though this was more a hobby than a passion. Both the Hernándezes and the Loveridges were local families, so Manuel grew up around a diverse mixture of cultures, among constant family reunions and meetups. What he ate was no exception. He became especially enamoured with the variety and flavour of both soul food and Mexican dishes. When he requested tutelage on their recipes from both sides of the family, they readily obliged, delighting in his budding tendency to cook for the people around him.

It was also around this time that Manuel became part of a very tightly-knit friend group, consisting of himself, Penny Vargas, Rezaria Isa, and Alec Yves. This band of friends was very close to each other during this time of his life. His bond with them was a high point in his life and would lend itself to the development of another large aspect of his personality: his tendency towards stout loyalty and encouragement towards his friends. It wasn't just this friend group: he enjoyed socializing with many other children in elementary school, especially through the medium of playground sports, where his competitive spirit could shine through.

Much to his chagrin, however, this group would naturally dissolve itself once middle school began, as interests began to diverge and the social environment became more complicated, especially for Manuel. He turned out to be a much earlier bloomer than virtually every other kid around him. He rapidly outgrew everyone around him in school in height and build, becoming much more physically imposing than the other kids entering middle school. Combined with the way his face developed, emphasizing its sharper parts, Manuel garnered an overall intimidating appearance. Initially, this was of little consequence to his social standing— although this would change.

Manuel entered middle school at the height of the Canon presidency, when anti-immigration policies and ideologies were most widespread. After his Hispanic heritage and the identity of his father became known over the course of regular socialization, rumours began to spread, propagated by the children of predominantly right-wing families. These rumours painted Josep as an illegal immigrant, or a criminal using the factory business as a front, the sole basis being his race. As the rumours reached Manuel's ears, he took massive offence.

He didn't want these insults to reach his dad out of empathy, so he tried solving things himself at first. Confronting the students who were spreading the rumours and trying to cut them off at the source did little as the berating would be turned right back onto him. Next, he tried going to the teachers, but it was his word against that of the rumour-spreaders. There was little action beyond verbal reprimand that could be taken without actual proof, which Manuel was hard-pressed to acquire.

He tried to take his mind off of the rumours during middle school, trying to focus on otherwise befriending the kinder students of the school. However, the mounting rumours rained blow after blow on his morale, and the effects soon became visible. He became withdrawn and melancholic, both in and out of school, eventually giving up on trying to make friends altogether. He cooked for himself and his family less, was less upbeat around them, and spent less time with them overall. He usually just languished in his room, away from the world, the glamour and excitement of watching professional basketball being his only comfort during this period.

But soon enough, his family noticed this gradual change in the boy’s personality and turned their attention to trying to coax the issue out of him. Manuel was resistant at first, not wanting to involve them in his problems, but eventually gave in and explained what'd been happening to him. His parents were appalled by this revelation. Outraged, they tried contacting the school themselves, but the faculty still didn't have the proof to take action. They remained tense and worried about their son, especially Josep.

Josep refused to simply leave the problem to fester even further in his son’s life. He began a familial campaign of encouragement. He told his son he had to be strong, that he could make it, that it wasn’t hopeless. His approach was to guide him with a firm hand and convince him to do the same, to thrive despite people’s thoughts. He also started spending more time with him, putting forward to the rest of the family that routine would help Manuel settle back into a better state of mind, and encouraging them to do the same. Once every week or so, Josep would drive Manuel to Lake Jacqueline outside the city, where they'd fish together as Josep had done with his father as a boy. Danielle tried to bring Manuel into a more active role in the house's cooking with her in order to bring him back to his love of the art. Rosa tried to get him out of his room by organizing game nights for the whole family.

Josep even got the family a dog with Manuel in mind: a pit bull terrier named Cielo. Manuel came to love Cielo deeply as a pet, relishing having a companion who would never judge or expect anything from him. Taking care of Cielo became an escape from the loneliness which continued well into Manuel's high school years. He was most fond of taking long, evening walks through Meadowbrook with Cielo every few days, where it'd be just the two of them, peaceful and unconstrained.

Although these attempts did somewhat lift Manuel's spirits at home and became events he'd take great enjoyment in to the present day, he still remained in a state of depression about the rumours, unconvinced his situation could change. Depression turned to resentment, and he began to lash out at school as a result, whenever he heard one of the rumours brought up within earshot. This newfound anger, however, only served as fuel for the racists to solidify their beliefs. It was around this point, though, that he began to fall in with a new social group.

Despite the nature of the rumours, nearly nobody in the school had attempted to call them out, except for Manuel and a specific other group: the delinquents. Mostly comprised of African-American and Latino students, they thusly held an equal amount of loathing towards the rumours and were unafraid of facing scholastic punishment due to taking matters into their own hands without the proof the staff required. They were the only ones who actually stuck up for him in school at the time. So, despite his kind-heartedness, he'd fall in with them as his resentment began to manifest. He admired the sheer freedom and power they indulged in, and they readily took him in when he sought to join their ranks.

He'd begin to establish a reputation in middle school as a bully and a delinquent, actively verbally harassing those who'd spread rumours about him, and engaging in activities such as vandalism outside of school to keep up with his new social circle. It felt, to him, like a vent for the anger and bitterness he had been building up. He revelled in the gratification wrought from being outward about his feelings against the people who'd started the rumours and those who'd facilitated them by spreading them in tandem. He'd go to great lengths, though, to hide these activities from his family. He'd avoid the view of teachers and threaten his victims not to report him, and avoid bringing his new friends home. Manuel inwardly felt guilty about his actions and worried what his family would think if they found out. Additionally, his new friends were trying to convince him to participate in deeper, more delinquent activities, trying to push him towards physical bullying and to bully those who'd never done him any wrong.

His guilt grew more and more deep-seated as he properly weaned off his anger through these activities, and the rumours stopped spreading, but on the other hand, he felt a deep dedication towards the delinquents as a whole for being the only ones who properly stood up for him. Manuel felt split emotionally, torn between sticking to his principles and getting cast down once more or betraying them to fully integrate into this fold. In the end, he stuck to them, still basing his loyalty on how they were once there for him.

Encouraged by his new delinquent friends and with all his family and a new dog at his back, he felt like he could rise a bit from his slump. With the motivation he wrought from watching basketball and seeing the drive and determination held by his favourite athletes on their journeys, he began to become inspired. As a stark contrast to his behaviour outside of it, his demeanour at home gradually completely changed back to the way it had been before rumours began spreading, leading his family to believe their methods had worked. Manuel kept the truth secret: they had, but not solely.

He eventually moved to Southwest Red Rock High School. Invigorated by his newfound morale and encouraged by the reputation of the school's sports programs, he decided to try out for the basketball team. Although he went into the tryouts feeling nervous about people’s thoughts towards him and his abilities, it worked better than he could have ever anticipated. Along with the experience he’d had playing, Manuel had a natural talent for both the physical and mental aspects of the sport. He was an excellent dribbler and passer, possessing a knack for strategic coordination with others and thinking on the spot. He was thus accepted as the Rattlers’ newest point guard.

Now an active player in a competitive scene, Manuel’s love of the game grew. He thrived off the pure focus and adrenaline rush wrought from being on the court itself, working in true tandem with his teammates. His competitive and encouraging spirit could freely flourish during games, not to mention the physical health and athleticism that actively playing and training brought him. It was more liberating than any delinquent act could ever be for him.

It was also around this period he obtained his nickname. Instinctively and casually using Spanglish around his fellows, he’d say goodbye with the phrase “See you mañana.” His teammates began to pick this up in turn, turning the phrase back on him, and a small tweak in grammar turned it into “See you, Mañana”, solidifying his school nickname. He and his family found this development very funny, as his nickname had just become the Spanish word for "tomorrow".

Despite his newfound camaraderie with his teammates, he went about establishing himself with the delinquent scene at Red Rock, still going off the dedication he had towards them for pulling him out of his middle school social slump. For a good part of freshman year, he'd socialize with jocks and bullies alike, members of the former being slightly averse towards his tendency towards the latter. His feelings of being torn socially increased as he let his true encouraging and empathetic self shine through with the jocks but fell back into his irritable attitude when with the delinquents.

It was fine at the time; he hadn't done anything extreme yet. Most exciting among these new social developments was his relationship with a new girlfriend near the end of Freshman year: Mona Marroquín. The two were very close during the summer, and Manuel held genuine love for her. She was the model of a kind and supportive girlfriend and the two made a good couple. For a time, the ideality of this relationship made Manuel hopefully consider that he might stop trying to garner favour from the delinquents and go back to being himself. But this wasn’t to last.

Going into sophomore year, Mona began to become paranoid, caused by her natural mistrusting nature. She began to attempt to control Manuel, and the intensity of her paranoia gradually increased to the point of obsession, going so far as to cyberstalk and harass any girls he seemed to hang out with and to intrude on his phone and email without his permission. Their relationship unravelled over the back half of sophomore year as Manuel became distraught at her behaviour.

Manuel initially tried to convince himself things were fine between them, letting her continue as he tried to let his kindness shine through with her. But at one point, before sophomore year was out, the stress had built to a breaking point and he’d finally had enough. He broke up with her in public, outing her for her activity by presenting video and text receipts of what she'd done, in a very intense manner for everyone to see. Mona reacted angrily, and the event turned to insults which quickly turned to shoving, though they were separated before things could escalate further.

Manuel was shortly after called by the coach of the basketball team to meet him in his office. He was then severely reprimanded; Red Rock, with its athletics programs being as important to it as is, kept its standards high, and couldn't afford one of its players being a known delinquent. The coach gave Manuel a stern, verbal warning: if any trouble as big as this reached his ears again, Manuel would be kicked off the team. It was the only warning he'd be giving.

Manuel felt distraught over this. Combined with his rising desire to distance himself from his bullying persona, the experience functioned as a sort of wake-up call. He'd finally reaped what he'd been sowing and was now at risk of losing his link to his passion. It wasn't all bad, though, as he received little reprimand from his family over the event; he'd vented to them about Mona's actions in the past and they'd supported him, but his parents were disappointed in him at the time for how the event descended to physical force.

He was intent on separating himself from the delinquent clique entirely then and there despite his dedication, but several things stood in his way. Most prominently, the delinquents in question now had enough evidence of his illegal activities outside of school, such as underage drinking and vandalism, to sell him out if he just up and tried to leave them.

Additionally, his outburst against Mona acted as a sort of solidifying agent to the reputation he'd been building. Combined with his reputation from middle school and the company he tentatively kept in high school, it was easy for people to associate him with the delinquents. Meanwhile, the delinquents themselves were impressed by his act and were intent on keeping him in the fold as a result. He was thus hard-pressed to find many friends who'd see him for who he really was, but he cherished the few he could.

Seeing no other option available to him, Manuel just stuck with the persona. He acted like a general standoffish jerk at school to fit in with his clique lest they expose his worse actions to the coach, albeit trying to balance this act with a lot less intensity and direct provocation to not get him kicked off the team. Inwardly, Manuel held a lot of loathing towards himself having to act like this. He was still a kind encouraging soul deep down, and this new, solidified persona of his went against all of his convictions. Unlike when rumours were being spread about him, he couldn't justify them to himself in any way save as a way to keep himself on the basketball team. Above all, he hated himself for going against the message of his father’s encouragement, which primarily got him to try out in the first place. He still continues to struggle with these feelings today.

He maintains both this reputation as a valuable player on the basketball team and his facade as an unruly, rude jerk with some friendly ties to the delinquents to this day. Though the public perception of him has more or less solidified, he does attempt a sort of damage control on occasion. He tries his best to let his actual self, his kindly encouragement, loyalty and confidence shine through as much as possible and whenever he can. He even tries this around his bully friends, some of the less delinquent ones he’s come to genuinely care for. To this end, he's actually managed to branch out a little in terms of his social circle— he's found a few people willing to look past his reputation and facade and find out who he really is. Namely, Lopaka Akana and Mason Llewellyn. He treasures these scarce few kind folk as a source of hope that a better future where he doesn't have to put up a facade is possible.

Around his family at large, he acts as he actually is. He revels in spending time with his family and dog and avoids bringing any of his delinquent, bully friends home for this reason, feeling like he can truly be himself around them. He especially tries his best to hide the way he acts at school from his younger sister Rosa, so that he can continue to be a role model as a kind older brother for her.

Manuel still maintains his passion for cooking, but he keeps this fact a secret from his delinquent friends. To Manuel, it’s representative of his true self that he locked away publicly for the sake of social status, and is thus only shown to his family and the few friends close enough that they know him for how he is. Additionally, as opposed to the high-octane adrenaline-fueled excitement of his main hobby of basketball, the kitchen is where he feels like he can relax.

He puts enough effort into his studies to keep his grades at a solid average for the sake of remaining on the basketball team. He doesn’t show any particular interest in any of the academic subjects of school and outwardly dislikes studying, homework, revision and the like. However, he recognizes maintaining his scholastic performance as necessary for the sake of being able to continue pursuing his passion.

Post-graduation, Manuel above all else dreams of moving to some faraway university with a sports scholarship. He wishes to start over with a fresh slate for a reputation, where he can make better choices with who he associates with and how he acts, and drop his facade once and for all. After that, he hopes to become a professional basketball player, maybe even in the new NBA Las Vegas franchise which LeBron James is rumoured to plan to start when he retires. Despite how rough things have been for him, he’s confident and extremely excited about his plan to move on after graduation.

Advantages: Manuel's athletic lifestyle has made him strong, durable, and agile, with excellent hand-eye coordination and remarkable stamina. He excels at teamwork, showing a talent for strategy, situational awareness, and sticking to plans.
Disadvantages: Manuel hesitates in moments of moral conflict and is reluctant to harm others unless pushed, which may cost him. His reputation as a callous jock makes forming alliances difficult and could make him a target. His strong loyalty might lead to poor decisions for the sake of his allies.

Hi there! I'm Gundham, your friendly neighborhood profile reader. Let's work together to create a better Mañana, today!

I say this in a lot of critiques and I'll say it again here, but don't be discouraged by criticism. This process is meant to help you become a better writer and get a second pair of eyes on your work.

With that said, there are a few large issues with Manuel that are going to need to be corrected. As such, he is Not Approved Yet. I’m going to give you the big things to work on first, and some broad strokes that cover the profile as a whole. Once you’ve sorted those out, I'll take another pass and we’ll get into some of the grammar and such, that way I'm not throwing too much at you all at once.

So, the first big issue that we have here is with Manuel’s looks. It's a little problematic to have Manuel be so isolated just because he's a bit scary-looking. To put this a bit bluntly, middle-school kids aren't the villagers from Shrek. These are children who've grown up doing active shooter drills. When I taught seventh grade, almost every single one of my students had watched multiple Let's Plays of Five Nights at Freddy's. Anybody that can handle looking at that kind of content is not realistically going to be terrified by the mere existence of a classmate who is tall and looks like a stereotypical bad guy. This is doubly problematic if Manuel hasn't actually done anything to warrant that fear. Kids spend a lot of time in class together, and they get used to how their classmates look. First impressions fade over the long run, and if his social interactions aren't actively aggressive or frightening, the attitude is just going to become, "Oh, that's Manuel. That's how Manuel's face looks."

The profile also suggests that Manuel has earned some sort of negative reputation, but it’s not clear how he’d have gotten one. In general, people get a reputation for patterns of behavior. A class clown gets that reputation because they joke around a lot. A teacher’s pet gets that reputation because they suck up to the teacher. In this case, Manuel’s reputation can’t be that he looks scary, because looking scary is not a behavior pattern. His reputation, based on what’s in the profile, would probably be that he’s a loner, but that’s not an inherently bad or damaging reputation to have, and it’s not clear why he’d have a problem with that. Just as Manuel hasn't done anything to make people afraid of him, his classmates also haven't really done anything bad to him, except avoid him.

So, what this boils down to is that if Manuel feeling estranged is a necessary part of his character development, you'll need to find another way to bring that about. His looks can still be the springboard that gets you there, but they aren't enough by themselves. Maybe people are making fun of his looks on Facebook and that leads to further bullying. Maybe rumors are getting spread about his dad being a criminal, or (since he's going through middle school during the Canon administration) an illegal immigrant. Maybe he got provoked into a fight and the other person claimed that Manuel started it and spread rumors that he's a violent psycho. Maybe he had a crush on some girl and she reacted negatively and told all of her friends that he's a creep. There are a lot of ways that this can manifest! But whatever you choose, it needs to be borne out in some kind of action or inciting incident, something more concrete than just him looking scary. Give it some thought, and find something that fits with the kind of story you want to tell.

A second major issue is with the way that the basketball team is portrayed here. Because the basketball team is going to have other handlers on it, profiles can't make categorical statements about all other members of the team, such as him being surrounded by “bullies and delinquents.” There may well be other handlers' characters on the team who aren't bullies or delinquents. The most you could theoretically say is that some of the other players on the team are bullies and delinquents. In the same vein, Manuel cannot be "the star player" of the team. He can be a valuable member and a good asset to the team, but he cannot just automatically be the best.

Now, when I said "theoretically" about the bullies and delinquents there, I did so because it's a bit of a moot point anyway. Red Rock is an institution that takes its athletic program seriously and has a reputation to uphold. The school teams are pretty heavily tied into their business model, and the school is actively recruiting player. Their standards are high, and the coaches aren't afraid to discipline their players. So if someone's openly known to be a bully, they'll get benched at minimum, and at serious risk of getting kicked off the team all together if they don't shape up. Delinquents wouldn't even be allowed to join the team in the first place. The school isn't going to put its primary source of income in the hands of students who are unreliable and show a clear lack of discipline.

That's also going to be a problem if Manuel wants to stay on the basketball team. If he's cultivating an entire persona as a school bully, he's simply not going to be allowed to play. You could theoretically get around this by making it so that his bully/delinquent pals aren't on the team at all, and that he's torn between wanting to have close friends and his desire to stay on the team, but if so much of his personality and happiness revolves around basketball it's hard to see why that would even tempt him? He can theoretically make friends on the team, or just get along with other athletes, so it's not clear why he'd need the approval of the bully crowd specifically.

You may be better off simply nixing the bully angle all together, and give him some other form of central conflict. You can just have it be that he's more of a people pleaser because of his loneliness, or he lets people talk him into things more easily, or he goes to parties with his teammates even though his parents wouldn't want him to.

I'd recommend thinking deeply about both this and the looks issue, since they're pretty foundational to the character and will have a pretty big impact. Mull it over, figure out what might work and what might not. If you need any additional clarification, my Discord DMs and board PMs are always open.

Now, let's talk very briefly about the writing. A few things I'd like you to keep in mind as you go back and revise the profile. There are four things that I flagged as fairly consistent issues through the profile. Most of them are fairly easy to correct, some will take a little more elbow grease.

The simplest one is unnecessary capitalization. If you're not sure if a word should be capitalized, double check. You specifically do not need to capitalize "mañana" (when not used as his nickname) or "tomorrow," and there's at least one instance of "father" in there too.

The next one is semicolons. In most instances in this profile, they're being used where a colon should be used instead. Semicolons function as a sentence break, somewhere in length between a comma and a full stop; they stop the sentence briefly and then add something. Just like that! Colons do what you're actually trying to do in the profile: demonstrate, identify, or justify. Like that! When you're identifying a specific example of something you're describing, you want to use a colon. You can safely replace every semicolon in the profile, except for this one:

But things were, albeit slowly, beginning to heal; with all his family and a new dog at his back, he felt like he could rise a bit from his emotional slump.

The next issue will require a little more work. Don't be afraid of simple descriptions. There's a lot of awkward phrasing scattered throughout, and almost all of it can be corrected by using straightforward descriptions instead of more flowery ones. Think of the profile as a dossier that someone has assembled about Manuel. The information is meant to be barebones and straightforward. A good rule of thumb is to think about what the reader needs to know, and tell them that. If they need to know that Manuel drove a car to a place, it's absolutely okay to just say "Manuel drove to the place." Or, as my fellow staffer Buko would say: "Focus on clear communication, not flourishes or trying to convey things intelligently. Explain everything to everybody like they're five."

And finally, think carefully about word choices. This is one of the harder ones to do, but it's important to go through and make sure that the words you're using actually mean what you intend. A lot of words have contextual meaning that goes beyond their dictionary definition, so if you're not entirely sure, look up examples of the word being used, or just play it safe and don't use it. Some words and phrases that are used incorrectly here are things like "redoubled," "came to fruition," "miracle," "sundry." It is also unnecessary to ever refer to a person as "a certain (insert name)," and all instances of that can be deleted.

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That's everything I have for you on the first pass. I know it's a heavy lift and that there a few large changes to think through. And some of the grammar stuff might seem a bit daunting, but trust me, all of this will get easier with practice. I want to leave you on an encouraging note: you've got a really solid foundation going for Manuel here. He's an interesting character and you've clearly put a lot of work into designing him. I really enjoyed reading this! The goal here is not to discourage you, but to help you make Manuel into a stronger character that will fit into the game world and be able to interact well with other players. It's going to take a bit of work to get him there, but I'm confident that you can do it!

If you need any help, or something here isn't entirely clear, my Discord DMs and board PMs are always open, and I'm happy to help however you might need it. When you think you've made the changes, post here and I'll take another look!

OKAY, I think I've gotten through the BIG stuff. Thanks for all your help, I mean it.

H'okay, sorry for the brief delay on this, but let's get into it.

I see that you've made some great edits here! A lot of the initial grammar corrections and suggestions I flagged on my first go around have actually already been addressed by what you've gone through and done so far, so I want to encourage you to keep doing whatever it is you did on your revisit here. Manuel's looking a lot better!

Now, I did tell you at the outset that we were gonna get into more of the nitty-gritty later, and that's what this post is gonna be. I say this in a lot of critiques and I'll say it again here, but don't be discouraged by the size of this post. This process is meant to help you become a better writer and get a second pair of eyes on your work, so there'll be a good amount of explanation and suggestion throughout. The goal is never to say "You did this wrong, shame on you" it's to say "Here's how you can do this a little bit better next time." It's an aid for the future, not a knock on the present. And, if there's anything that doesn't make sense or could use a little clarification, you are always welcome to DM or PM!

With that preamble out of the way, let's get to the profile!

Hobbies and Interests: Playing and watching basketball, cooking, taking care of his dog, spending time with his family

Taking care of his dog and spending time with his family probably aren't considered hobbies since they're fairly routine activities, in the same way that a character who makes his bed every morning wouldn't have "custodial duties" as a hobby. Since the profile does mention that he places a pretty heavy emphasis on time with Cielo, it might be better to change it to something like, "long walks with his dog" or something of that nature, to show that it's something he's investing a lot of time in, and goes a bit beyond the base tasks of pet ownership. For spending time with his family, I'd need to see a paragraph in the bio outlining specific things they do together to show that this is something he's dedicating time and focus to.

Manuel has a tall build

So, this is something that's gonna fall into the "word choice" category. Someone's "build" refers to their body shape, generally in three dimensions. "Tall" tells us about his height, but it doesn't tell us his overall shape. Is he lanky (tall and long-limbed), is he wiry (tall and very thin), is he tall and stocky (tall and wide, but not necessarily fat), top-heavy (tall with broad shoulders, but thinner in the waist area)? A good thing to do if you don't know how to describe something you're mentally picturing is to simply google "body shapes" or "different types of body." This super helpful for things like face shapes or descriptions of facial features.

With all of that said, you give us a very good description of his body shape in the sentences that come after, so I would honestly just change the bit I quoted to "Manuel is quite tall" and let those descriptions do the rest of the work.

His facial features are sharp and defined

When starting a new paragraph, it's generally best to use "Manuel" in place "His" or "He," especially in a section like appearance, where you're basically listing off various qualities of his. This is something you'll want to correct throughout the whole profile, especially the bio.

His nose is straight and somewhat dense

Word choice again. "Dense" means that something is compact, and generally indicates that something is solid and heavier than it would seem. These aren't descriptions that easily or meaningfully apply to a nose. What I'd like you to do here, and any other time I flag something as "word choice" for the rest of the profile, is this: Think about what characteristic you're trying to imply here, think about how you'd describe it to me if you weren't using that word. Then, use that word instead. So in this case, if Manuel's nose is thick or broad or large or prominent, use that word instead.

His hairstyle usually consists of thick, short, dark-coloured dreadlocks

I'd like a sentence or a phrase before this to clarify what Manuel's hair color is and whether it's natural or dyed. So, "His hair is naturally black in color, and he usually styles it in thick, short dreadlocks" or "Manuel's hair is dyed a dark chestnut brown. He usually styles it into thick, short dreadlocks," or something of that nature. Are there situations in which he doesn't wear the dreadlocks, e.g. formal settings? If so, how does he style it when it isn't in the dreads?

Tank tops, zip-up urbanite jackets, rugged shorts and his favourite pair of Jordans, all usually in a colour scheme close to the school colours, are what he’s most commonly seen wearing.

This section is pretty good, but I'd recommend taking the bit at the back and putting it at the beginning instead. The phrase "are what he’s most commonly seen wearing" is passive, and would look better as "He commonly wears (name of clothes.)" or "He's commonly seen wearing (clothes)."

Manuel Hernández was born in a middle-class Las Vegas neighbourhood to two Vegas locals

No need to say "Vegas" again. We've already established that they're in a Las Vegas neighborhood, so where else would they be a local of?

Additionally, we could use a bit more detail here. Which neighborhood, specifically? What is Manuel's birthdate? For him to be in the senior class, he will have to have been born sometime between August 1st, 2006 and July 31st, 2007. Additionally, how did his parents meet? How long were they together before they had Manuel?

He was a happy, if not loud baby,

Awkward phrasing here. I see what you were going for, but it's better phrased as something like, "He was a happy baby, but not a loud one, that..." or "He was a happy baby, not particularly loud, that..." or "He was a happy baby, if a quiet one, that..."

that the Hernándezes had no problem raising peacefully

Apostrophes are never used for plurals. If you're referring to something they possess, you can say "Mr. Hernández' car" or "Mr. Hernández's car," but when referring to the couple or the family, it would be "the Hernándezes." This correction needs to be done everywhere in the profile.

He was largely a physical developer as a child

This is an awkward way of phrasing this, because it sounds like he's a physical developer in the same way that someone is a software developer or a real estate developer. Is there another way to describe what you're going for?

At four years old, his parents gave him a little sister, Rosa Hernández.

When enumerating (saying how many of a thing there are), you almost always want to use the word over the numeral, especially for small numbers. General rule of thumb is that if you're telling the viewers about fewer than 101 things, you should probably use the word.

It started with him watching along with his mother and father, and eventually, his extended family, all of whom were both big fans of the sport, supporting the Las Vegas WNBA team, the Aces as their local team.

So, there are a lot of commas here. Commas generally indicate that you're changing the direction of the sentence, and if you're changing directions five times in one sentence that's a lot for the reader to keep up with. Find a way to divide this up into smaller sentences.

Quickly, he expanded his viewing to teams outside the Aces, and took to approaching the hobby outside of watching games on TV: he’d play with his father in the back yard and his friends at playground courts.

Great job replacing the semicolon. The word after a colon doesn't need to be capitalized, since it's not an entirely new sentence. Additionally, the first half is a bit awkwardly phrased. Can you find a way to reword it so that it reads more smoothly?

Secondly, "back yard" is a bit of a tricky one because it's used as both a noun and an adjective. When you're describing the place, you use "back yard", but if you're using it as an adjective, you use "backyard." So you can have a barbecue in the back yard, or a backyard barbecue, or even a backyard barbecue in the back yard, but you can't have a barbecue in the backyard or a back yard barbecue.

He took in several stars of the game as his role models, most prominent among those being LeBron James. Manuel admired his humility despite his fame, and simply how cool he was.

This sentence is also a bit awkward. I've shown an example here for how you can split it into smaller sentences while still conveying the same information.

His participation in their antics would prove a high point in his life and a key event along with his bond with his little sister in the development of another large aspect of his personality, his tendency towards stout loyalty and encouragement towards his friends.

This sentence is very wordy, and could stand to be split up a bit. There's also a bit of an issue with word choice, since "participating in his friends' antics" is an ongoing series of instances, and thus cannot be a "key event." The easiest way to fix this would be to rephase it as something like, "His time with these friends would prove to be a high point in his life. Through both his participation in their antics, Manuel would develop a stout loyalty and a tendency to encourage his friends." The bit about his sister is a bit off-topic here, since you're specifically talking about encouragement towards friends, and his sister isn't included in that group. Better to delete it, and talk about Rosa more in paragraphs when you're specifically dealing with his family relationships.

Also, I'd like some more detail on Manuel's school relationships. Besides his friend group, did Manuel get along well with other classmates at this point? It seems like he did as a kid, so was that something that continued into elementary school? Was he outgoing, friendly? Was he still competitive? If so, how did this manifest?

Much to his chagrin, however, this group would naturally dissolve itself once middle school began, as interests began to diverge and the social environment became more complicated, especially for Manuel.

He turned out to be a much earlier bloomer than virtually every other kid around him. He rapidly outgrew everyone around him in school in height and build, becoming much more physically imposing than the other kids entering middle school. Combined with the way his face developed, emphasizing its sharper parts, Manuel garnered an overall intimidating appearance. Initially, this was of little consequence to his social standing— although this would change.

I'd recommend merging these paragraphs together, since the second one expands on the first one.

These rumours painted Josep as an illegal immigrant, or a criminal using the factory business as a front, the sole basis being his race. As the rumours reached his ears, he took massive offence.

Because the first sentence has Josep as the subject, the word "his" in the second sentence appears to refer to Josep, not Manuel. So change "his" to "Manuel's."

Confronting them and trying to cut the rumours off at the source did little as the berating would be turned right back onto him.

Gonna need a clarification of "them" here, since context doesn't make it clear who that's referring to.

Next, he tried going to the teachers, but it was his word against that of the rumour-spreaders, and there was little action beyond verbal reprimand that could be taken without actual proof, which Manuel was hard-pressed to acquire.

A bit lengthy again, find a way to split this up.

He became much more withdrawn and melancholic, both in and out of school.

Word choice. Prior to this point, Manuel had his friend group, and by all accounts was not withdrawn and melancholic. So rather than becoming more of something he already was, he's becoming something he previously was not. Just delete "much more" and it's good.

His family was quick to notice this gradual change in the boy’s personality,

I'd either remove "quick" or "gradual" here since one implies fast and the other implies slow. Better to say either "His family noticed the gradual change" or "his family quickly noticed the changes in his personality."

He began a familial campaign of encouragement.

What did this look like? We see what Josep did, but what did the other family members do? If you want to keep family time on his hobbies list, this is a great place to expand on that. Did they institute weekly activities together, or find other ways to spend more positive time with one another?

Manuel did come to love Cielo deeply as a pet, relishing having a companion who would never judge or expect anything from him, taking care of him became an escape from his loneliness which continued well into his high school years, his reasons for needing him remaining much the same.

This is a fairly long sentence, and it's worded awkwardly. Find a way to split it into smaller sentences so that the ideas are self-contained.

But despite all of Josep's attempts, Manuel, for a while remained in a state of depression, unconvinced his situation could change overall.

A bit of awkward phrasing, but can be fixed by removing the parts highlighted here.

They were the only ones who actually stuck up for him in school at the time.

I need a bit more detail than this. Why did the delinquents stick up for him?

So, despite his kind-heartedness, he fell in with them as his resentment began to manifest, admiring the sheer freedom and power they indulged in.

You're describing a past event, so it needs to be in past tense. Additionally, the last bit is kind of tacked on. It's important not to chain together to many ideas, or your sentences get muddled. Figure out which information is key, and which can be put into a new sentence. I'd recommend splitting off the last bit after the comma and finding a way to make it its own independent sentence.

Quick gratification through revenge against the people who'd wrought the rumours and those who'd stood by and let them.

This is a sentence fragment, needs to be turned into a complete sentence.

He'd avoid the view of teachers and threaten his victims not to report him, and avoid bringing his new friends home.

Awkward phrasing, better as the bolded example above.

That was one source of guilt for him during this phase: what his family would think of him and his actions if they found out.

This goes back to simple descriptions. Remember, we're not going for flowery. You can pretty easily simplify to something like: "Manuel felt guilty about his actions, and worried what his family would think if they found out."

even getting him to bully those who wanted to stand up for him but weren't part of their clique.

It's been established before and after this that nobody stood up for him except the delinquents. So there are no students who wanted to stand up for him that aren't in the delinquent clique. So he either needs to have other defenders earlier, or he needs to be starting to bully people who just haven't actually harmed him in any way here.

Combined with the motivation he wrought from watching basketball and following the paths of famous athletes, seeing the drive and determination they had, he began to become inspired.

Awkward phrasing. It's not clear what's being combined here.

his demeanour at home gradually changed back to the way it was before rumours began spreading, leading to his father believing his advice had worked

You would only capitalize "father" if it's a job title with someone's name directly following it, e.g. Father Ted.

He eventually moved to Southwest Red Rock High School. Invigorated by his newfound morale and encouraged by the reputation of the school's sports programs, he decided to try out for the basketball team.

So, the bullying angle is better here, but he's still going to need to tone it down a bit. If he's actively bullying people hard in middle school it's probably going to get reported in some fashion, and if that kind of thing is on his record he's going to have a hard time getting onto the basketball team in the first place. So Manuel's middle school experience probably shouldn't rise much above the level of being nasty, or just sort of being associated with the delinquents while they do the actual bullying for him.

Along with the experience he’d had playing unprofessionally,

No need to specify that he wasn't playing professionally, since this information is already available through context.

he’d say goodbye with the phrase “See you mañana.”

The period goes inside the quotation marks.

His teammates began to pick this up in turn,

"In tandem" would mean they were doing it in sync with one another. Since Manuel started doing it and they gave him the nickname in response, it should be "in turn."

as his nickname had just become the Spanish word for "tomorrow."

When specifying a translation of a word or phrase, the word/phrase should be in quotation marks.

With this, alongside his newfound camaraderie with his teammates, he went about establishing himself with the delinquent scene at Red Rock, still going off the dedication he had towards them for pulling him out of his middle school social slump.

This sentence scans oddly. As written, the sentence suggests that his camaraderie and his nickname are in some way driving him to establish himself with the delinquent scene, which is probably not what you're intending? Find a way to clarify this.

For a good part of freshman year, he'd socialize with jocks and bullies alike, the less delinquent of the former being slightly averse towards his tendency towards the latter.

Awkward phrasing. As previously stated, there are no delinquents at all on the basketball team, so there cannot be players who are "less delinquent" than others. Find a way to rephrase this sentence, as simply and concisely as possible.

His feelings of being torn socially increased as he let his true encouraging and empathetic self shine through with the jocks but fell back into his irritable attitude toward the delinquents.

Word choice. Based on context, he's probably not being irritable "toward" the delinquents. Find a way to rephrase.

She began to attempt to control Manuel, the intensity of which gradually increased to the point of obsession, going so far as to cyberstalk and harass any girls he seemed to hang out with and to intrude on his phone and email without his permission.

Word choice. It's not clear what "the intensity of which" is referring to here.

Their relationship unravelled over the back half of sophomore year as Manuel became distraught at her behaviour.

No need to capitalize "sophomore" when referring to the year.

Manuel initially tried to convince himself things were fine between them, letting her continue as he tried to let the kindness he wished he could project socially shine through with her.

The latter half of this sentence is awkwardly phrased, and needs to be revised.

He used the mannerisms he'd garnered through years of bullying, his intimidating face, stature, and his newfound confidence and social status to its fullest extent.

This sentence is largely redundant, and can be removed.

The coach gave him a stern, verbal warning: if any trouble as big as this reached his ears again, he'd be kicked off the team. It was the only warning he'd be giving.

You've got a lot of "him" and "his" in this sentence, referring to both Manuel and the coach. Find a way to clarify who is being referred to. Split into smaller sentences if needed.

Combined with his rising desire to distance himself from his bullying persona, as it were, the experience functioned as a sort of wake-up call.

"As it were" is an unnecessary turn of phrase here. It's generally employed when you're being figurative in some way, like "She's the rose among the thorns, as it were." Manuel is genuinely desiring to distance himself from his bullying persona, and his bullying persona is not a metaphorical device, so it wouldn't really fit with either of them.

the general student body now recognized him under the delinquent umbrella.

This strays a bit into editorializing. It's better to avoid making categorical statements about how other students will view your character. It'd be better to say something like, "it was easy for people to associate him with the delinquents" or something of that nature.

Seeing no other option available to him, Manuel just stuck with the persona. Acting like a general standoffish jerk at school to fit in with his clique lest they expose his worse actions to the coach, albeit trying to balance this act with a lot less intensity and direct provocation to not get him kicked off the team.

The break after "persona" makes the second sentence into a fragment. When splitting sentences up, be sure that they're still forming complete thoughts. In this case, the easiest way to fix it would be to shift it into past tense. "He acted like a standoffish jerk at school to fit in with his clique, lest they expose his actions to the coach..." etc etc.

Inwardly, Manuel holds a lot of loathing towards himself having to act like this. He was, deep down, still a kind encouraging soul, and this new, solidified persona of his went against all of his convictions, and unlike when rumours were being spread about him, he couldn't justify them to himself in any way save as a way to keep himself on the basketball team. Above all, he hates himself for going against the message of his father’s encouragement, which primarily got him to try out in the first place.

There's a bit of an odd shift in tenses here. If you're describing something that's happening up to and including the present, then that generally needs to be distinct from descriptions of things that happened in the past. It'd be better to shift all of these sentences into the past tense, and then end with a present-tense one, like, "He still continues to struggle with these feelings."

He maintains both this reputation as a valuable player on the basketball team and his facade as an unruly, albeit seemingly casual, delinquent to this day.

This is a lot better than the previous draft, but Manuel still can't have a facade as a delinquent. He can have a facade as a jerk or as a rude guy, but that's a different thing altogether from actual delinquency. If there are rumors going around that he's doing the things that the other delinquents do, that's still going to be just as much of a problem for him as if he was actually being delinquent. People thinking he's friends or on friendly terms with the delinquents is fine, but having people actually associate him as a member of their circle probably isn't. So he's going to have to do a bit more distancing from the delinquents to stay viable as a member of the basketball team here.

He especially tries his best to hide his delinquency from his younger sister Rosa, to whom he wants to act as effectively a kind older brother role model as he can.

Two notes on this one: he isn't actually being delinquent, so he'd have to be hiding his reputation or hiding his supposed delinquency, etc. The part after the comma is a bit confusing and is worded awkwardly, and I'm not sure what it's supposed to convey.

This included his cooking hobby, which, despite having reentered following his morale revival, he keeps secret from his usual circle to this day.

The middle part between the commas is missing a word or two. Best rephrased as "despite him having re-entered it following his morale revival" or something similar.

and is thus only shown to his family and the few friends close enough that they know him for how he is.

This is a bit inconsistent. The reason for Manuel being in with the delinquents is that he doesn't have other close friends, and he explicitly doesn't allow the delinquents to know about his cooking hobby. If he has other friends who aren't delinquent who know about his cooking hobby, why does he still need the delinquents?

-----------

That's all I've got for now. As before, feel free to message if you need help or clarification. I know it's a lot, but there's really positive momentum here, so let's build on that and keep making Manuel work!

First the rough, now the grist. Hope this is enough!

Great job so far! Lots of improvement! There's still a bit of a list here, but it's almost entirely minor grammar fixes which shouldn't take long to do. We've got all the big stuff out of the way, now it's just a matter of sanding off those last little rough bits and polishing him to a fine shine. We're very nearly there!

and he has large but flattened ears

What does "flattened" mean in this context? It's not a word that one typically uses to describe ears. Also, what is Manuel's face shape?

naturally dark-coloured dreadlocks

Bit of a word choice issue here. "Dark" is not a color. If they're dark brown (which I assume is the implication here?) then just say "naturally dark brown dreadlocks" and you're good.

They had met as Josep frequented the café Danielle had worked at before resigning to facilitate taking care of a family

No need to capitalize "café" unless you're referring to a specific café by name, e.g. The Hard Rock Café.

Having been taught both directly and by simply listening to his parents at home, Manuel was a decently practised bilingual by the time he entered the education system.

Just a reminder that you want to use Manuel's name instead of "he" or "him" when starting a new paragraph. This needs to be done throughout the entire profile.

He largely tended towards his physical development as a child

This is still a fairly awkward phrasing but after a lot of thought, I can't think of a non-awkward way to express the idea you're getting across here. Just delete the word "his" and that will suffice.

. He soon expanded his viewing to teams outside the Aces, and began to approach the hobby outside of watching games on TV: he’d play with his father in the back yard and his friends at playground courts.

You did a fantastic job of making this portion flow better, but there's still an unnecessary capitalization of "he'd" and the word "backyard" needs to be replaced to be replaced with "back yard" since you're referring to the place, and not using it as an adjective.

It was also around this time that Manuel became part of a very tightly-knit friend group

Saying that Manuel "found himself having become" is a very passive way of putting this, and it flows much better as simply, "Manuel became."

It wasn't just this friend group: he enjoyed socializing with many other children in elementary school,

Again, no need to capitalize the word after a colon.

Manuel entered middle school at the height of the Canon presidency, when anti-immigration policies and ideologies were most widespread.

The "his" here makes it sound like Manuel's the one making anti-immigration policy. Replacing it with "when" as above will make it a bit clearer and make the paragraph flow nicely.

However, piling rumours rained blow after blow on his morale, and the effects soon became visible.

Slight word choice issue here. It's a bit of a mixed metaphor to pile something that's also raining blows. I'd recommend just saying "the rumors" or "the pile-up of rumors" or "the mounting rumors."

But soon enough, his family noticed this gradual change in the boy’s personality and turned their attention to trying to coax the issue out of him over time.

The phrase "over time" is a bit redundant here, and the sentence would flow better without it.

His parents especially, and Josep above all, were appalled by this revelation. Outraged, they tried contacting the school themselves, but the faculty still didn't have the proof to take action. They remained tense and worried about their son, especially the father, Josep.

The two sentences highlighting Josep are a bit repetitive. It would probably flow better if you simplified the first sentence to, "His parents were appalled by this revelation." Additionally, you can strike the words "the father" in the third sentence, since we already know Josep's role in the family.

Josep even got the family a dog with Manuel in mind

Using "him" in this sentence would imply that Josep's getting the dog with himself in mind. Better to specify that it's Manuel he has in mind.

Manuel did come to love Cielo deeply as a pet, relishing having a companion who would never judge or expect anything from him. Taking care of Cielo became an escape from the loneliness which continued well into his high school years.

This sentence is still very wordy. You can safely lose everything after the last comma, and split it up into two sentences as shown in the bolded bits above.

It was around this point, though, that he began to fall in with a new social group.

Bit of a weird tense here. Better to keep it as strict past tense.

Despite the nature of the rumours, nearly nobody in the school had attempted to call them out, except for Manuel and a specific other group: the delinquents.

The comma after "Manuel" is unnecessary, and no need to capitalize after the colon.

Mostly comprised at that school of African-American and Latino students

No need to specify "at that school", since we can safely assume that delinquents aren't coming from some other school.

He'd begin to establish a reputation in middle school as a bully and a delinquent, actively verbally harassing those who'd spread rumours about him, and engaging in activities such as vandalism outside of school to keep up with them.

The word "them" appears to refer to those who've been spreading rumors. Specify that it's his new friends or the delinquents.

Manuel inwardly felt guilty about his actions and worried what his family would think if they found out. Additionally, his new friends were trying to push him into deeper, more delinquent activities, trying to push him towards physical bullying and to bully those who'd never done him any wrong.

You're missing a period between "out" and "Additionally." You've also got the words "push him" twice in the same sentence, change one of them to something else.

Manuel felt split emotionally, torn between sticking to his principles and getting cast down once more or betraying them to fully integrate into this fold.

You're describing a choice between the two things, so it'll flow better to change the second "and" to "or."

Although he went into the tryouts feeling nervous about people’s thoughts towards him and his abilities, it worked better than he could have ever anticipated.

Unnecessary capitalization of "it" here, and "nervously at" is an awkward phrasing. Better as the bolded example above.

Going into sophomore year, Mona began to become paranoid.

Was there a particular inciting incident for this? Was she always possessive, and eventually became this way? Or was there something that set her off and made her become paranoid?

He was then severely reprimanded by him

You almost always want to avoid having "he" and "him" refer to different people in the same sentence. (Same goes for "she" and "her" if you're writing as someone who identifies as female). In this case, since Manuel and the coach are alone, you can just remove "by him" entirely, since it's clear from context that the coach is reprimanding Manuel.

He acted like a general standoffish jerk at school to fit in with his clique lest they expose his worse actions to the coach, albeit trying to balance this act with a lot less intensity and direct provocation to not get him kicked off the team.

This sentence needs a subject to keep it from being a sentence fragment. Easily fixed with the bolded bit above!

He was, deep down, still a kind encouraging soul, and this new, solidified persona of his went against all of his convictions, and unlike when rumours were being spread about him, he couldn't justify them to himself in any way save as a way to keep himself on the basketball team.

There are six commas in this sentence as written. Find a way to pare that down a bit - either by removing the interjection of "deep down" or by ending the sentence after "convictions" and starting a new one with "Unlike."

Though the public perception of him has more or less solidified, he does attempt a sort of damage control on occasion. He tries his best to let his actual self, his kindly encouragement, loyalty and confidence shine through as much as possible, whenever he can. He tries to do so even around his bully friends, some of the less delinquent ones he’s come to genuinely care for.

Six commas here as well. Better to split into multiple sentences, as above.

Around his family at large, he completely acts as he actually is.

Typo in the first word, and the "completely" is redundant and breaks the flow, so remove it.

He especially tries his best to hide the way he acts at school from his younger sister Rosa, to whom he wants to act as effectively as a kind older brother role model as he can.

Awkward phrasing, either add the "as" to make it flow a bit better, or change it to something like, "Rosa, so that he can continue to be a role model as a kind older brother for her." or something similar.

This included his cooking hobby, which, despite re-entering after his morale revival, he keeps secret from his usual circle to this day.

This sentence is written to continue on from the previous paragraph, but it's unclear what "this" refers to in relation to that. I'd recommend making it self contained, as something like: "Manuel still maintains his passion for cooking, but he keeps this fact a secret from his delinquent friends."

As for his experience with the academic side of the school, Manuel puts enough effort into his studies to keep his grades at a solid average for the sake of remaining on the basketball team.

The prosaic flourish here is a bit informal, and can be removed.

As for his post-graduation plans, Post-graduation, Manuel above all else dreams of moving to some faraway university with a sports scholarship

Same as the previous paragraph, the informal bits can be removed.

- The advantages and disadvantages sections need to be pared down a bit. These should be very, very minimalist descriptions, little more than a bullet point list. So, "Manuel is a very athletic, and possesses a lot of toughness, strength, and durability. He's also very agile, has good hand-eye coordination, and quite a bit of stamina," etc etc. Be absolutely ruthless in cutting this section down.

Additionally, he is more than willing to set aside any differences he has with a fellow student to ally himself with them on the island, and is also fiercely loyal to any of these alliances or friendships he has.

I would actually classify Manuel's loyalty as a disadvantage in this scenario. In a situation where only one person can live, he's going to have to establish a hierarchy of conflicting loyalties whether he wants to or not. Consider a situation where Manuel makes an alliance with Student A, and Student A tells him to attack someone else. As a kind and somewhat principled person, will he do it? What if the other person makes him a better offer? What if Student A tells him to attack, and then hangs back and lets Manuel do all the dirty work? What if Student A tells him to attack someone he has pre-existing loyalty to, such as Lopaka or Mason? Most scenarios are going to force Manuel into an unwinnable situation, where he can't be fiercely loyal without being disloyal to someone else. So if his desire is to be loyal and he's going to prioritize that above all else, then that probably is best expressed as a disadvantage where his loyalty may cause him to make bad decisions. If that's not really where you're going with this, I'd remove it from the list all together.

The final strike of the chisel...

Ah, not quite the last swing of the chisel, I'm afraid. But almost certainly the penultimate one. We're very nearly there, but there are a few things that were highlighted earlier that still haven't been corrected, and one or two last minor tweaks. Finish those, and you'll be good to go.

He is staunchly against the idea that dreadlocks are somehow unprofessional, and thus keeps this style on even in formal settings.

I would remove the word "somehow" to keep the tone formal.

Josep even got the family a dog with him in mind: a pit bull terrier named Cielo. Manuel did come to love Cielo deeply as a pet, relishing having a companion who would never judge or expect anything from him. Taking care of him became an escape from his loneliness which continued well into his high school years, his reasons for needing him remaining much the same. He was most fond of taking long, evening walks through Meadowbrook with him every few days, where it'd just be him and Cielo, peaceful and unconstrained.

There were two recommended edits for this paragraph in my previous post. Those still need to be done.

Despite the nature of the rumours, nearly nobody in the school had attempted to call them out, except for Manuel and a specific other group: The delinquents.

Still need to remove the unnecessary capital after the colon.

As a stark contrast to his behaviour outside of it, his demeanour at home gradually completely changed back to the way it had been before rumours began spreading, leading his family to believe their methods had worked.

Change "was" to "had been" here, it keeps the tense a bit straighter.

He'd finally reaped what he'd been sowing

Another small change, to keep the tense more consistent.

Aroung his family at large, he acts as he actually is.

"Around" is still misspelled.

Manuel hesitates in critical moments,

It might be better to rephrase this. Manuel presumably encounters critical moments when he plays basketball, and probably doesn't hesitate during those? So is it that Manuel hesitates during moments of moral conflict, or interpersonal conflicts? Or is it that Manuel has a deep aversion to harming others? A bit more clarity would help here.

That's all I've got for you this time. It's almost entirely minor fixes. The light is at the end of the tunnel and it's getting closer, I promise!

Manuel statue complete!!!!! At least I hope so!!!!!

Veeeeeery nearly, but I'm afraid that there's one paragraph that's still not fixed.

Josep even got the family a dog with Manuel in mind: a pit bull terrier named Cielo. Manuel came to love Cielo deeply as a pet, relishing having a companion who would never judge or expect anything from him. Taking care of Cielo became an escape from the loneliness which continued well into Manuel's high school years. He was most fond of taking long, evening walks through Meadowbrook with Cielo every few days, where it'd be just the two of them, peaceful and unconstrained.

There are a lot of "him"s and "his"s here, referring to Manuel and Cielo without properly specifying which is which. As discussed in the section between Manuel and the coach, you always want to try and make sure that you're not switching who "him" or "his" refers to mid-sentence. It gets confusing for the reader and drags them out of the story you're telling. Edit to match the bolded example above, and you'll be free!

ngh .

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