Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Chester Mullivan
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12th grade/Senior
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Football, playing guitar, weight lifting, 50s music.

Appearance: Chester is 6’5’’, weighs 187 pounds, and is a Caucasian, very tanned male with a rectangular build. He likes to wear skin-tight T-shirts that show his bulging muscles, varying in colors. He also wears baggy jeans along with a pair of white Nike Air Force shoes. He has blonde hair, styled in a pompadour haircut very similar to Elvis Presley's. He has a square head with bushy eyebrows and dark brown, downturned eyes, which are usually covered by sunglasses that rest on his Roman nose. He has very thin lips, which are usually chapped. Whenever possible, he is usually seen with a guitar in his hands, either inside or outside of its case.

Biography: Chester Mullivan was born on December 29th, 2006, in Austin, Texas, as the only child of Andrew and Jill. Andrew and Jill were high school sweethearts, who got married right after college in 1998. They would spend the next few years working for a massive law firm until they ended up opening their own injury law firm in 2004 called “Mullivan Law” which would become very successful. Chester grew up spoiled, getting everything he wanted due to his family’s wealth and his parents' lax feelings on punishments. It also didn't help that his parents would work all the time, causing Chester to spend most of his childhood with his grandma, who also spoiled him. Despite being a very rich kid, he was disliked and had no friends due to his tantrums. When Chester had tantrums, he would scream and cry until he got his way. His parents never punished him but eventually, thanks to the school's constant pleas, got him a therapist, which didn't show any signs of helping. Chester would spend almost all of elementary school with no friends, and the only main interaction he received was during assigned playdates his parents got him, which rarely ended well.

One day in fifth grade, Chester’s PE teacher organized a game of football. The PE teacher would immediately notice Chester’s skill. Despite Chester never playing before, the PE coach noticed Chester's energy and force. The PE teacher told Chester’s parents that if Chester practiced, he could become a very good player on the school's team. Chester decided to join because in Texas football players were treated as superstars, and Chester wanted to be one. His main focus was to ascend to the same status as the professional football players, have many friends, and be well-liked. The main reason for this was simply because he never had that while growing up as a kid. However, he didn't make the team, mainly due to having no experience at all, and would have to wait until he entered middle school. After failing, Chester would be incredibly disappointed and decided to never have something like this happen again. That would make him decide to begin using most of his free time for practicing as much as he could. This would result in him joining a youth league and getting help from his PE coach to practice the main parts of football. Once in middle school, Chester's desire to join the football team was solidified when he discovered that football players were treated as royalty, having an entourage following players whenever they could. Eventually, Chester's practice paid off, and he made it onto the team. Thanks to the discipline needed to stay on the football team, he would stop having tantrums, although problems would still follow him.

Another main thing that Chester would begin to become conscious about is his body. This was mainly because all the other football players were very buff and fit, and Chester decided he also wanted to be the same as them because he felt it would make him more popular and respected. The main two things that he began to do were exercise and weightlifting, which he included with his usual time spent practicing. He would mainly get help from his football coaches, who would help Chester develop a very strict and helpful exercise regime.

By eighth grade, he was a very good player on his team, but things were not going well. Although he did not have tantrums anymore, he still had anger issues. This would cause problems, as he had a habit of shunning many people out of his life if they did anything he deemed wrong. He had his entourage, but it was a small one, as many were scared of him. He felt alone since he knew most of his friends were with him to only mooch off of him. They would often borrow things from him, but never return them. Despite Chester knowing, he still let his friends do it, mainly because he didn't want to lose any friends. Another problem was that Chester never went to his parents for any kind of help, believing them to not know what he was going through. This also applied to his therapist, who he still had since elementary school, for the same reasons. However, he would one day become friends with a transfer to the school, named Lila Sullivan.

Their relationship began when Lila sat next to Chester during lunch, not knowing that each table was for a specific group. The other football players that Chester sat with would begin to harass her. However, Chester told them all off and decided that Lila could be allowed to stay. After that, the two became good friends, and Chester realized that Lila liked him for who he truly was. This was because Lila never asked Chester if she could borrow anything, and would usually give small things to him. Chester realized that this was what he always wanted. The two began to date, and it would be around that time when Lila encouraged Chester to take up the guitar. Lila loved guitars and thought it would be cool if the two of them could play together. He would get his parents to buy a $3,000 guitar and begin practicing, mainly by getting lessons from Lila. He discovered how soothing it felt to play guitar, and his guitar playing would lead him to discover 50’s music. He would fall in love with the music along with the rock stars who had created that music. Some examples included Elvis Presley, Bill Haley, Little Richard, and Chuck Berry. However, their relationship would come to an end when Lila saw Chester with a few other football players bully a kid. When Lila confronted him, the argument got so heated that Chester became very agitated, screaming at the top of his lungs. Lila distanced herself from Chester after that, not liking the side of Chester she had just witnessed. Chester however, felt himself to be the victim and would stop playing guitar, although his love for music stayed with him, as it helped him through the breakup. The music inspired him to begin putting his hair in a pompadour style, as he wanted to emulate Elvis as a tough guy.

At the end of eighth grade, Chester would receive a bombshell that his family was moving to Las Vegas, to expand their law firm and make more money, and would be moving right after eighth grade wrapped up. Despite all of Chester’s arguing, his parents refused to budge. Chester would go to school and announce he was moving. He was shocked to discover that the only people who cared were his coaches. After the move to Las Vegas, he became very resentful and angry and began going to Southwest Red Rock High School. He would make it onto the football team and still work hard, but he didn't feel the same passion he used to. This was mainly because he would discover other players who were simply better than him, and it began to dawn on Chester that he wouldn't be the best player on the team. It didn’t help that Chester would get an enemy named Yusup Almas at the beginning of freshman year. The two had got off to a rough start, with Chester bumping into Yusup and the two getting into a yelling argument. Their rivalry would get worse and worse as the year progressed, both being angry young teens who fed off of each other. The two would make fun of each other whenever they saw one another and do small pranks to mess with each other. It eventually ended with a massive fight in sophomore year. The two were eventually separated by the administration, and both of them were suspended for nearly two weeks. After that incident, Chester was told by the football coach that if he kept having these problems, he would be cut off from the team. This would cause Chester to have a realization that if he was going to keep acting like this, he could easily see his future ending very badly. He confided to his therapist, who would suggest that Chester could go back to playing the guitar. After going back to playing the guitar, he would begin to try and keep his anger issues in check.

By senior year, Chester had improved immensely, although not completely. Thanks to taking his therapist meetings seriously, working hard on football, and guitar playing, he has made genuine friends, who remind him why he should keep his anger in check. However, Chester's anger issues still come out, if very rarely. When these happen, he has been known to explode if he feels extremely stressed and doesn't have access to anything that soothes him. His grades aren’t the best, being a C average, but Chester doesn’t mind that much. His mentality is that as long as a grade is passing it's fine. Football is what he focuses on the most, and he plans on heading to UNLV using football scholarships. Because of this plan, Chester has mainly focused his time on improving his skills at the different parts of the game. This has made him an above-average player, which has kept him very well-known in school. His personality has improved greatly, as he is very friendly to all he is around. However, his physical appearance and a lot of rumors about him, thanks to his anger issues and the massive fight he had in his sophomore year, many are nervous about him and try to keep their distance. Chester has tried to distance himself from what he believes to be his old self, although he believes his appearance has nothing to do with that. In his downtime, Chester mainly spends his time exercising or playing his guitar.

While he doesn't dislike his parents, he also feels they never helped him out through the many events of his life. His parents are still very busy, and Chester is much closer to his grandma than to his parents. Chester likes to video call his grandma and the two spend most of their time watching football on a video chat.

Advantages: Chester's physical strength is impeccable, and he is well-liked among his friends. Due to his sheer strength, he is likely to have an edge in hand-to-hand combat.
Disadvantages: While Chester is friendly and well-liked, his appearance can easily scare someone who doesn’t know him or has only heard rumors about his massive fight or his infamous outbursts. Plus, Chester's bad temper can put him in a bad spot, as he will have almost no way to avoid melting down.

Hey there, friend! My name is Gundham, and today we're going to be playing Profile Critique Simulator, the fun game where we simulate critiquing profiles. Let's get to it!

Before the critique begins in earnest, let me start off by saying the same thing I say to pretty much everyone: don't be discouraged by the corrections here. Profile writing is an art, this is a refinement process that will help Chester be the best possible version of himself. If you have any questions or require more information, I'm always available via DM or PM to give clarification and assistance.

That said, there are going to be a number of things that are going to require revision here, and they're gonna require a lot of revision, and they're going to require a lot of thought and effort. I'm gonna start you off with a few broad strokes, and not bother getting into a lot of the nitty-gritty just yet.

There are two major things I want you to think about here as you go through and do your edits.

Major issue number one - think deeply about your character. Think about how he looks, think about how he acts. Think about how other people will react to him. For starters, the appearance section is probably going to need quite a bit more fleshing out. At present, it does sort of read like a barebones description of Johnny Bravo. As such, it will need some tweaks to be acceptably realistic.

Ideally, we want to get an answer to the following questions:
- What is Chester's build and overall body shape like?
- What sorts of colors does he generally wear?
- Does he wear T-shirts, dress shirts, sleeveless shirts?
- What sorts of shoes does he wear? Does he accessorize?
- Pompadours require a lot of maintenance - does he spend a lot of time on it? If so, is he that fastidious about the rest of his appearance?
- It's also worth bearing in mind that the majority of the pregame is going to take place while Chester is in school. If he's "usually" wearing sunglasses, is he doing that indoors, or during class? If so, is there a reason he does this?
- What does his mouth look like? What sort of lips does he have?
- What's his complexion - is he pale? Does he have a tan?

Additionally, there are a few issues with this section that will need to be corrected.
- You also mention him having "black" eyes. This is not generally recognized as an actual iris color. You'll probably want to change that to some shade of very dark brown.
- The implication based on the sentence structure is that his eyes are resting on his nose. Since that's likely not the intention, find a way to rephrase.
- The phrase "white caucasian male" is redundant, as Caucasian is essentially synonymous with being white. "Caucasian" should also be capitalized.
- Alternatively neither "pompadour" nor "haircut" should be capitalized.
- Chester also cannot bring his guitar to class, for obvious reasons. Better to rephrase this as him often playing guitar in his spare time or something similar.

Now, when we get into the biography, that's where we're running into a bigger issue, and I won't lie to you, it's going to take a lot of heavy lifting here.

Major issue number two - realism. This is a very, very important part of writing in SOTF. The things written on this site are, more or less, written with a high degree of realism in mind. So I want you to look at the events and elements of your profile and consider how plausible it is for these things to actually happen in the real world.

For this section I'm going to primarily address the issues I've found within the childhood section, and tell you how best to fix those. After you've made those edits, I'd like for you to try and look at the following sections with that same focus. Ask yourself, "Is it realistic for this to happen, or does it need to happen so that Chester can look cool?"

Andrew and Jill owned an injury law firm and were the faces of the successful “Mullivan Law.”

I'll need a bit more detail than this. Did they meet somewhere during their respective law careers, get married, and start a firm together? Did they meet in law school somewhere?

Chester grew up spoiled, getting everything he wanted due to his family’s wealth and his parent’s lax feelings on punishments.

This is also going to need to be adjusted a bit. If Chester's parents are owners of a successful law firm, they're almost certainly going to be at work a lot. If that's the case, they're probably going to need to outsource Chester to someone. A daycare, a relative, a live-in nanny, something like that. So there's going to need to be a bit more detail added here.

This became obvious when Chester entered elementary school, being a popular kid who only had friends due to his money.

This is also a bit unusual. First-graders generally tend to be self-interested. They aren't great at hiding their emotions, especially towards people they dislike. They also don't have a strong picture of economics. So "his parents are rich" is not likely to be a strong incentive for any kid who doesn't like Chester to be his friend anyway. That kind of thing is a lot more likely in middle or high school, but in first grade it's somewhat unrealistic. That said, if Chester's using his rich to have a positive material impact on the other kids personally, that's another story. But for that to happen, Chester would need to be demonstrating his wealth in some way that a six-year-old would care about (throwing a huge birthday party, bringing really cool toys to school, etc etc). Also, kids that despise him in the first grade are almost certainly not going to have the emotional maturity to avoid letting him know that they think he's a jerk or a crybaby. That kind of backbiting generally isn't developed until later.

When Chester had tantrums, he would go crazy, screaming, crying, running around, pushing, and bumping into everything around him. His parents never punished him but felt that he needed to get his energy out in a less violent way.

Chester's parents not punishing him is one thing, but there's absolutely no way that a school would overlook this pattern of behavior. Schools have a broad duty to protect their students against violence from other students, even in situations where the parents refuse to discipline the child at home. In the scenario you're describing, the school would almost certainly push Chester's parents to have him tested for some kind of behavioral disorder, at the very least. And if Chester's tantrums resulted in another child being hurt, that child's parents would almost certainly file a complaint. In cases like that, they'd generally seek to have Chester put into another class, or assign him some kind of educational assistant to be constantly monitoring his behavior. Either Chester is going to have to find a way to deal with these consequences, or he's going to have to adjust his behavior.

This goes double for the fact that Chester's apparently still having these tantrums in middle school. Middle school teachers are, by and large, absolutely not going to let that kind of behavior go unaddressed. He would almost certainly be facing detentions, suspensions, or various other punishments if he had that kind of violent meltdown even once.

So, how can we fix this? Unless the tantrums are a necessary part of the story you're trying to tell, I would recommend removing that character trait all together. If you want him to continue having anger issues, then give him some professional intervention to manage his anger - educational assistants in school, visits to a therapist, etc etc. Find a way to make it work within a realistic setting.

One day in third grade, Chester’s PE teacher organized a game of flag football and immediately noticed Chester’s skill. Despite not usually playing, Chester dominated the game thanks to his brute force. Despite being forced to sit out after tackling a classmate, his PE teacher told Chester’s parents that if Chester practiced, he could become a professional player.

So, this is a phrasing error, but it does tie into realism. When you're describing things, you want to stop and think about whether the words and phrases you're using are actually communicating the situation accurately. "Despite not usually playing" is a strange way to phrase this. Gym classes aren't really optional, so if the class is playing, he's playing. It's also fairly unlikely that there are other flag football games going for him to usually decide to skip.

Secondly, the entire point of flag football is that it *can't* be dominated by brute force. It's specifically designed against that. It's an equalizer game that can be played safely while minimizing physical contact - especially any version designed for play by third-graders. Grade three is about the earliest possible time that most schools would even consider letting kids play something like flag football, and it's not something they'd just throw together. The kids would be learning basic skills and flag pulling etiquette long before they ever got to a game.

What this means is that if Chester is attempting to play the game with brute force and tackling another child, then he is playing the game wrong and almost certainly violating a rule that was clearly communicated to him. I was an elementary school gym teacher a few years back, and I can more or less guarantee you that there's no universe where a teacher would watch a kid do that, especially one with a well-known history of violent tantrums in class, and then proceed to tell his parents that this kid has what it takes to go pro. Pro football players work in teams, which requires them to have interpersonal skills and the ability to take and follow direction, and they have to actually follow the rules of the game they're playing. Chester has, in this example, demonstrated the exact opposite of all of those things. If the teacher were to reach out to Chester's parents after this game, it would almost certainly be to tell them that this kind of behavior is a recurring problem and ask if everything is okay at home.

So, how to fix that? Tone down the aggression. Have the coach point out that Chester's struggling with his behavior, but he's got good energy. Have the coach specifically recommend a youth league to the parents, to try and burn off some of Chester's aggression, rather than having it unrealistically jump to "This kid could be in the majors."

Chester would be enrolled in a football league, being seen as the best player in the whole league.

Another realism issue here - Chester has, to this point, demonstrated no skills that are applicable to football. Simply being crazy/energetic isn't going to cut it. He's also incredibly undisciplined, in a sport that requires the discipline to take direction from a coach and a quarterback. This would cause friction immediately, and he'd have to unlearn a ton of bad habits, put in a lot of practice and hard work, and adapt to a disciplinary structure that has apparently been absent for his entire life up to that point. Because of all of these factors, it's borderline impossible for him to be a great player, much less for him to suddenly become the best player in the entire league.

So, how to fix this? Have Chester simply be unskilled. Have football be the grinder that forces Chester to either shape up or ship out. Don't have him be the star player in the league, just have his coach tell him that he's impressed with the progress he's making, and encourage him to keep developing the positive things he's learning here.

Chester’s main thing he loved about football was the good attention he received.

This goes into the "Think Deeply" bucket, because I think you're scratching at the surface of some really good characterization here, but it needs to be mined a lot more.

I want you to think deeply about the answer to the following question, because it's going to tell you a lot about Chester's drives and motivations: What does that "good attention look like, and why does he want it?" Who's giving him the positive attention? Is he getting it from his parents? Coaches? People in the stands? His teammates? In what way is he getting it? And from there, then you can use that question to ask other questions. Okay, if he's getting the positive attention from people in the stands, does that mean he's not getting it from other places - and if not, why not? If the attention is the main thing he loves, does Chester actually not really care about football that much? If he could get that praise elsewhere, would he ditch the sport and do something else?

There's a lot that we can learn about Chester from the answers to these questions, so I want to see that explored a bit more. You don't need to answer all of these questions specifically, but you should at least be able to give a sense of what those answers might be.

Chester began practicing as much as he could, trying to surpass everyone around him.

So this is both a "Think Deeply" and a realism issue. It's partly realism because you previously attempted to establish that Chester was the star player in the entire league without any actual experience. If he's already at that level, there's nobody left to surpass.

But the thing to think deeply about here is, why does Chester want to surpass others? What's the drive that's pushing him to do that? Is Chester super competitive by nature? If so, that'll need to be established earlier. Is Chester desperate for approval, and wants to be good enough to always be getting more of it? If so, where is that desperation coming from? These are the kinds of things you really want to unpack. If Chester wants something, tell us why he wants it. Show us what's going into his upbringing and backstory that's making him crave this attention, and be specific. Tell us how he feels about the things in his life growing up. Does he feel like his parents are too busy for him? Does he overhear the way other kids don't like him, and feel bad about that? It's okay to tell us these things directly, because they speak to the larger patterns that are gonna define him moving forward.

So, that's where I'm going to leave you for now. There are similar issues in the other parts of the profile, and I'll go through them, but I think it's wisest right now for you take those two primary ideas, realism and deep thinking, and go through the profile with a fine-toothed comb. Look at the things I've highlighted here, and what I'm asking you to fix, then apply that to the other sections of the biography. Ask if the way other characters are reacting to Chester or interacting with him is realistic, or if the things that are happening with him are likely to be possible. If the answer to either of those things is no, change it. Also, think deeply about what makes Chester Chester. Why does he want the things he wants? What's motivating him to be the way that he is? And then find ways to tell the reader that.

What I want you to do now is go through the whole profile and focus on both of those things. Check if things are realistic, and if they're not, find a way to fix them. Check for those character traits, like the positive attention and the desire to surpass others, and figure out how to draw those out more and make them more prominent and consistent. Now, the reason I'm being more open-ended here is that this kind of questioning and revising is a skill. It takes practice to read your own work critically. So rather than throwing a lot of "here's what needs to be fixed" at you, I'm throwing you a "here's how you spot these kinds of issues, here's how you fix them in this section, now you try in the next section."

Once you've gone through the whole thing and made those edits, post here in the thread to let me know, and I'll take another look and we'll go through the rest of them! And, as I said earlier, you are always welcome to reach out if you need some clarification or want a bit more guidance on what to look for, etc. I think you've got a decent foundation here, and Chester has the potential to be a really solid character, it's just that we're going to need to start off by making those tweaks and keeping him grounded in realism first. And I totally believe in your ability to do that!

Gundham wrote: Sun Jan 05, 2025 1:40 pm Hey there, friend! My name is Gundham, and today we're going to be playing Profile Critique Simulator, the fun game where we simulate critiquing profiles. Let's get to it!

Thanks for the critiques, now (hopefully) finished!

Apologies for the delay. I started this critique two separate times, and two separate times windows updated itself and deleted the contents of all of my tabs (which it's expressly not supposed to do). Third time's the charm!

Before I start off, I want to say thank you for the edits you've done thus far. You've made a solid effort to take the criticism on board and implement it, and it shows. There's still some rough edges, but like I said before, it'll get easier with practice.

I'm gonna be more in-depth and nitpicky on this pass, and try to address some of the little errors while we keep working away at some of the broader issues. Don't be daunted by the size of this critique. A lot of this is gonna be quick ten-second fixes, and I'll give you as much guidance as I can about what I'm looking for.

Football, guitar playing, 50s music.

You want to say "playing guitar" here, since "guitar playing" is a weird passive way to phrase this.

Chester is 6’5’’,

No need for a space between the feet and inches here.

and is a Caucasian, very tanned male

As noted before, "Caucasian" should be capitalized.

He likes to wear skin-tight T-shirts, varying in colors that show his bulging muscles.

There's a bit of a dangling modifier here. As written, it looks like the colors are showing his bulging muscles, which is presumably not your intent.

He has blonde hair, styled in a pompadour haircut very similar to Elvis Presley's.

Bit of awkward phrasing here, and since you're referring to something specifically possessed by Elvis, you'll want to add the apostrophe and s.

Whenever possible, he is usually seen with a guitar in his hands, either inside or outside of his case.

"Whenever he can" isn't really grammatically correct here, since "can" requires a verb in this context. So you can say "Whenever he can be" or "whenever possible," but not just "whenever he can."

Chester Mullivan was born on December 29th, 2006, in Austin, Texas, as the only child of Andrew and Jill. Andrew and Jill were high school sweethearts, who got married right after college and opened up an injury law firm called “Mullivan Law” which was very successful.

Missing a period here. The timeline here is also a bit questionable. While lawyers *can* open an injury law firm immediately after passing the bar exam, it's incredibly difficult to get a firm off the ground without any experience or reputation to trade on. Most clients aren't likely to trust something like personal injury claims to a completely inexperienced lawyer. That's why most lawyers tend to join existing firms and get a handle for the business before striking out on their own. It's not impossible for Jill and Andrew to have pulled this off, but it'd be incredibly unlikely. If the primary reason for them to be lawyers is to give them a reason to be busy and spoil Chester, you can fairly easily just make them personal injury lawyers working for a thriving firm, which would still keep them occupied a lot, but wouldn't strain credulity as much. Just a thought.

Thanks to the many pleas of the school to do something, his parents never punished him but eventually, thanks to the school's constant pleas, got him a therapist, which didn't show any signs of helping.

A few things on this one. There's unnecessary capitalization here, and there's a dangling modifier. As written, the sentence effectively says, "Because the school pleaded with them, Chester's parents didn't punish him." That's more or less the opposite of what you're trying to say here. Find a way to revise this so that it's worded properly.

Also, you've got two distinct instances of almost identical phrasing in the same sentence here with "thanks to the many pleas of the school" and "thanks to the school's constant pleas". Repetition like that should be avoided. You can safely delete the second instance without really losing any meaning.

One day in fifth grade, Chester’s PE teacher organized a game of football and immediately noticed Chester’s skill. Despite never having played before, the PE coach immediately noticed Chester's energy and force.

As with the pleas before, you've got a repetition of the coach "immediately" noticing something. To correct this, I'd recommend ending the first sentence after "game of football," and then add the word "his" after "Despite."

Chester decided to join because in Texas football players were treated as superstars, and Chester wanted to be one.

This is good! I initially marked down that I'd like a little more explanation, but after reading ahead, it looks like you detailed it pretty well later in the paragraph. I would take the bit about him wanting to have friends and be liked and put it after this sentence. Establishing the motivation early will give the reader a good window into Chester's motivation for playing football and give better perspective to this section as a whole.

However, he didn't make the team, mainly due to having no experience at all, and would have to wait until he entered middle school.

How did he feel about that? Was he angry? Disappointed? Did he decide to buckle down and practice on his own time so that he'd have a better shot at making the team in middle school?

In middle school, Chester's decision to join the football team was solidified when he discovered that football players were treated as royalty, having an entourage following players whenever they could.

Two minor nitpicks here. When you're referring to school as a time period in someone's life, you would say "in middle school." You'd really only ever say the phrase "at middle school" if you were trying to tell someone that a specific incident happened specifically at a middle school, and even then it'd be kind of awkward.

You may also want to change "decision" to something like "resolve" or "desire." It's something he can want to do, but it's not something he can decide. Chester can desire to join the team or resolve to do it, but he can't just decide to be on the team. Or you could say that his decision to "try out for the team" solidifed, rather than his decision to "join" it. Either way would be correct.

I'm also not certain that football players actually do get entourages in this day and age, but I suppose it's possible that Chester's middle school was just really into football.

This made Chester immediately want to join the football team, and began to throw all his energy into practicing football.

Practicing how? Like, what was the actual thing he did to practice? Did he watch videos on YouTube? Did he seek out games and join them? Did he grab a football and punt it around his yard? Did he sign up for a youth league (to the best of my knowledge you can't get rejected from those) outside of school? Did his parents hire someone to coach him?

Whichever route you go, we should have a clear understanding of how Chester goes from being an undisciplined rowdy kid to being able to demonstrate the skills that'll get him onto the team.

He felt alone since he knew most of his friends were with him to only mooch off of him.

This is a great bit of character development, but I'd like to probe it a bit more. Did he actually let people mooch off of him? If so, what did that look like? If he knew that people were only using him for his money, did he keep doing it because it was better than having no friends at all?

His parents never did anything, mainly because Chester felt they wouldn't help with anything.

The two halves of this sentence don't really go together, because it's not clear how one thing caused the other. The first half implies that the parents knew the situation and did nothing, the second implies that they didn't know because Chester never told them because he knew they'd be useless.

So, did Chester actually tell them what was going on with him? If so, did they actually try to help in some way? If he didn't tell them, then it'd be better to phrase the sentence as something like, "Chester never told his parents what he was going through, as he didn't think they'd be able to help."

Additionally, did he talk to his therapist about this? It's implied later on that he's still seeing the therapist in high school, so he was presumably still in therapy in middle school. Would that have helped at all?

However, he would one day become friends with a transfer to the school, named Lila. Chester loved Lila because he felt she liked him simply for who he was, which Chester realized was what he always wanted.

Two things here. First, what was Lila's last name?

Secondly, we jumped immediately from becoming friends to being in a relationship. We need some more detail to bridge that gap. Chester was a star football player with an entourage and a scary reputation. How did he become friends with a transfer student? How did their friendship develop, and then turn into a relationship? That doesn't generally happen overnight, and if Chester's only social experience has been people either disliking him or mooching off of him, it'd probably take him some time to be convinced that Lila wasn't the same as everybody else.

Lila would encourage Chester to take up the guitar, which he did.

Why did Lila do this?

He would get his parents to buy a $3,000 guitar and begin practicing.

As with the football, I'm gonna need some more detail about what this practice entailed. Guitar isn't something you can learn spontaneously. He'd either have to sign up for lessons with a tutor or he'd have to source books or videos to teach himself.

He and his girlfriend would eventually suffer a very messy breakup,

Why? For that matter, if the only reason Chester has a pompadour is that Lila liked it, why did he keep a very maintenance-intensive hairstyle but stop playing the guitar? Wouldn't he want to ditch the hairstyle too?

At the end of eighth grade, Chester would receive a bombshell that his family was moving to Las Vegas, to expand their law firm and make more money, and would be moving right after eighth grade wrapped up.

No need to capitalize "eighth" here.

The final catalyst was when Chester was in school and announced he was moving.

This is a strange phrasing. The final catalyst for what? A catalyst is a direct cause of something, e.g., someone's father dying is a catalyst for them suffering an emotional breakdown. In this case it looks like what you're going for is that Chester's becoming resentful and angry as he enters high school. If so, you want to establish that as the topic of the paragraph right at the outset, and then explain in subsequent sentences. So, you'd want something that vaguely equates to, "At the end of eighth grade, Chester's life would take several turns that would result in him becoming a bitter, angry person. His family dropped a bombshell, he argued but they didn't listen to him, and the final catalyst for his destruction came when he announced he was moving and realized that absolutely none of his classmates cared that he was leaving."

He still joined the football team but was a mediocre player since he didn’t practice like he used to.

As noted before, "joined" is probably not the right phrase to use here. Red Rock is a very competitive school with lots of promising athletes. He'd have to try out for the team, and beat out other prospects to make it. He'd also likely be competing against at least a few players who were simply better than him, whether he practiced or not. It's probably worth exploring that a bit futher. How would Chester react to finding out that he's not the big fish in the small pond anymore? Would he try to convince himself that he'd actually be better than them if he chose to practice?

Additionally, if he's on the Red Rock team, he's definitely going to have to attend team practices. It's fine if he's slacking off on whatever practicing he was doing back in middle school, but he can't just skip team practices without it resulting in disciplinary action.

It didn’t help that Chester would get an enemy named Yusup Almas at the beginning of freshman year

No need to capitalize "freshman" here.

The two got off to a rough start, and it would get worse and worse as the year progressed, both being angry young teens who fed off of each other's anger.

The tenses are a bit weird here, but based on how the profile is written this is the correct way to phrase it. It'd be nice to get some more specific details about their rivalry, too. What were they actually doing to one another here?

The two were eventually separated by the administration, and both of them were suspended for nearly two weeks. After that incident, Chester had a realization that if he was going to keep acting like this, he could easily see his future ending very badly.

It's probably worth mentioning that Chester would be on very thin ice with the football team here. As stated earlier, Red Rock takes its sports teams seriously, and players with habitual discipline issues aren't going to last long. Chester could probably survive a two-week suspension, but the coaches would absolutely let him know that he can't stay on the team if he doesn't straighten himself out.

Thanks to taking his therapist meetings seriously, working hard on football, and guitar playing, he has gotten genuine friends, who he feels remind him why he should keep his anger in check.

I'd change "gotten" to "made" here. You could probably also safely delete "he feels" to make the sentence a little less awkward.

However, Chester's anger issues still come out, if very rarely. When these happen, he has been known to explode if he feels extremely stressed and doesn't have access to anything that soothes him.

The tense is a little inconsistent here, alter to match the above example.

His mentality is that if a grade is passing it's fine. Football is what he focuses on the most, and he plans on heading to UNLV using football scholarships.

Based on context, these are attitudes that Chester continues to hold in the present day, so these sentences should be in present tense.

thanks to his anger issues and the massive fight he had in his sophomore year,

No need to capitalize "sophomore" here.

Because of this plan, Chester has kept practicing hard for football, being seen as one of the best on the team,

This is probably going to need to be brought up earlier (maybe after the fight with Yusup?), because Chester entered high school as a mediocre player, so how has he become one of the best on the team? There's nothing here indicating that he's done anything to improve his standing.

However, his physical appearance and a lot of rumors about him, thanks to his anger issues and the massive fight he had in his Sophomore year, many are nervous about him and try to keep their distance.

Why would his physical appearance cause this? If the idea is that he's very muscular and people find that intimidating, then why does he continually wear skin-tight shirts to show off how muscular he is? If he wants to be popular and get positive attention from people, why would he continue to emphasize something that he knows causes them to view him negatively?

Another slight problem is that, while he doesn't dislike his parents, he also feels they never helped him out through the many events of his life and is much closer to his grandma than to his parents.

I'd like a bit more detail here. What kind of relationship does he have with his parents? Are they still super busy? Do they spend time together? What's his relationship with his grandmother like? If they spend time together, what does that look like?

I'd also like to get a better sense of what Chester does in his downtime. Is guitar the only thing he does in his spare time? Does he want to join a band? Does he want to record music for YouTube? Does he write his own songs? Does he just want to get really good at it? And if he only plays guitar to calm him down when he's stressed, what does he do for fun when he's not stressed? If not, what else does he get up to? You mention that he has friends - are any of them other characters in the RP? If so, feel free to specify them in the profile. Either way, what kinds of things do he and his friends do together?

Or, does Chester work out? How does he stay in shape? Football practice alone probably isn't enough to get him as muscular as the profile makes him out to be, so how's he getting that muscle? If he's put any attention into that, I'd add bodybuilding or working out his list of hobbies and interests.

That's all I've got for you right now! As always, feel free to reach out to me via PM or Discord DM if you have any further questions or want more clarification. Otherwise, make the edits and give me a shout here. I promise not to take weeks this time.

Finished with the edits! Thanks for the help!

Some solid progress here, but I'm still gonna need a few more tweaks before Chester's ready for prime time.

He likes to wear skin-tight [/b]T-shirts[/b] that show his bulging muscles, in various colors.

Since you're referring to multiple T-shirts, it should be pluralized. Also, "varying in colors" is a strange way to phrase what you're trying to say. It'd be better as shown above.

Whenever possible, he is usually seen with a guitar in his hands, either inside or outside of its case.

"His case" would imply that Chester belongs in the case.

Chester grew up spoiled, getting everything he wanted due to his family’s wealth and his parents' lax feelings on punishments.

Since you're referring to both parents, the apostrophe goes after the s. Parent's refers to only one parent, parents' refers to both.

His parents never punished him but eventually

First word of this sentence needs to be capitalized.

This was mainly because all the other football players were very buff and fit, and Chester decided he also wanted to be the same as them because then he could show off how buff he was.

So, this is kind of circular logic. Chester wants to become buff so he can be like the football players, and he wants to be like the football players so he can become buff. If what he really wants is to show off his muscles, why? Does he think it'll make him more attractive to girls? Does he think it'll make people respect him more?

The main two things that he would begin to do were exercise and weighlifting, which he included with his usual time spent practicing.

These two sentences are largely redundant. You can slim them down by combining them, as I have done above.

Also, when you're describing the activity of lifting weights, "weightlifting" is always one word. This will need to be corrected everywhere in the profile, including in Chester's hobbies and interests.

He would mainly get help from his football coaches, who would help Chester develop a very strict and helpful exercise regime.

Since it's the coaches who are helping Chester, "who" fits better than "which."

By eighth grade, he was the best player on the team, but things were not going well.

I would strongly caution against trying to confirm Chester as "the best player on the team." Very few (if any) coaches would ever single a kid out for that kind of praise at the expense of the other teammates, and Chester's coming in later than most kids due to having missed the team in elementary school. I'd recommend just making him one of the best players on the team, rather than singling him out as the absolute number one. If Chester wants to go around pregame claiming that he absolutely was the best, nobody's likely to challenge him on that perception, but it's a bit dodgy to have the profile outright confirm that he was.

He felt alone since he knew most of his friends were with him to only mooch off of him. They would often borrow things from him, but never return them.

The last bit of this sentence is a bit awkward, revise it to match the above example.

However, he would one day become friends with a transfer to the school, named Lila.

We still need Lila's last name here.

The two began to date, and it would be around that time when Lila encouraged Chester to take up the guitar. Lila loved guitars and thought it would be cool if the two of them could play together.

You've done a great job of detailing the relationship here. However, the grammar in this sentence is a bit off. When you're writing profiles in the future, I would strongly encourage you to either read the profile out loud or plug it into a text-to-speech program. Hearing these sentences out loud will help you identify long or awkward sentences and give you a good sense of what to fix. Doing that will shave a lot of time off the time that it takes staff to review your profile, and, in turn, the time that you have to wait in review before you can get to the good stuff.

Do also remember what I went over in the previous round of edits - words like "guitar" shouldn't be repeated in the same sentence if you can avoid it.

It didn’t help that Chester would get an enemy named Yusup Almas at the beginning of freshman year. The two had gotten off to a rough start, with Chester bumping into Yusup and the two getting into a yelling argument, and it would get worse and worse as the year progressed, both being angry young teens who fed off of each other.

So, one thing you want to watch when you're writing is your tenses. Tenses tell the reader when something is happening in time, relative to whenever the paragraph is set. When you say that Chester "would" get an enemy, you're talking about something happening in the future, but when you say that the two "had gotten off to a rough start," you're referring to something in the distant past. The easiest way to fix this is to simply change "had gotten" to "got," and end the sentence after "argument," then start a new sentence with, "Their rivalry would get worse and worse," and go from there.

You also don't want to repeat "angry" and "anger" in the same sentence. If you're struggling to find ways to avoid repetition, an online thesaurus can provide some synonyms so you're not just using the same word or phrase multiple times.

The two would make fun of each other whenever they saw one another and do small pranks to mess with each other.

You've got "each other" repeated three times in this sentence.

His mentality is that as long as a grade is passing, it's fine.

This sentence needs to be corrected to match the other sentences in the paragraph. Everything else is happening in the present, but this sentence is happening in the past.

While Chester doesn't dislike his parents, he also feels they never helped him out through the many events of his life. His parents are still very busy, and Chester is much closer to his grandma than to his parents. Chester likes to video call his grandma and the two spend most of their time watching football on a video chat.

This whole section can be its own paragraph.

Chester's physical strength is impeccable, and he is well-liked among his friends.

No need to specify that his friends care about him, that's implied by context.

If he has a massive outburst that leads to a fight, he would win in a hand-to-hand fight.

Chester will not automatically win any physical fight that he gets into, that's not how the game works. Everything is determined by dice roll, and any fights that Chester gets into will need to be coordinated with other handlers. This is all fairly well laid out in the rules, see section 4 here. I'm assuming you have read the rules and already know this, but I just want to make sure that there's no confusion.

At best, you can say something like, "Due to his sheer strength, he is likely to have an edge in hand-to-hand combat."

While Chester is friendly and well-liked, his appearance can easily scare someone who doesn’t know him or has only heard rumors about his massive fight or his infamous outbursts.

It's probably also worth putting Chester's bad temper into his disadvantages. SOTF is an incredibly stressful experience, and he's not going to have his guitar or any reasonable outlet. There's almost no way he could avoid melting down at some point.

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That's all I've got for you on this pass. If you have any questions or need to discuss anything further, my PMs and Discord DMs are always open.

Now (hopefully) complete

I threw a lot at you there, sorry about that. A few things slipped through the cracks and weren't tweaked, so fix these last little bits and you'll be free!

This was mainly because all the other football players were very buff and fit, and Chester decided he also wanted to be the same as them because he felt it would make him more popular and respected.

Good reworking on this, just change the last word to fit the flow of the sentence.

When Lila confronted him, the argument got so heated that Chester became very agitated, screaming at the top of his lungs. Lila distanced herself from Chester after that, not liking the side of Chester she had just witnessed.

The tenses are a little bit tricky here in the context of the rest of the paragraph. Correct to match the example above, and you'll be good to go.

The two would make fun of each other whenever they saw one another and do small pranks to mess with each other.

You have the words "each other" three times in this sentence. Change it to match the above example to avoid the repetition.

COMPLETE!

(BTW thank you so much for all this help!)

And you are APPROVED. Sorry for the wait!