Survival Of The Fittest

OOC Disclaimer: The following is meant to be in the style and homage towards Ari Aster's short film C'est La Vie. Some information from the following is paraphrased and referenced from the essay "What Happens There" written by John D'Agata, originally written in 2003 and ended up The Believer magazine in 2010.

Content warnings include:
- Humor that some may find offensive
- References towards IRL deaths
- General melancholy vibe

---

It was during the middle of the day at the Las Vegas strip.

Mortimer Schaub stands in front of the Mirage casino building, now closed. He leans against the railing, looking at the volcano of the Mirage. A volcano that used to be on during the night, but it was going to be gone now.

With the Mirage, it might stay standing, but the identity was going to be gone. Most likely the plants, the aquarium at the lobby, the lagoon, that statue of Siegfriend & Roy, and even the show of Love.

"Isn't it sad? They are going to tear this shit down for a giant guitar in place. Even with what I used to see when I was young."

Mortimer turns to the viewer.

"I see you."

Mortimer was talking to you.

"Yeah, that's right, I'm talking directly to you!" Mortimer points at the reader. "You think you know shit in Vegas and this is supposed to be where you go to when you turn 21. Let me tell you. You don't know jackshit!"

Mortimer suddenly goes up to the camera, grabbing it.

"Come on, buckaroo! You're getting the REAL Las Vegas Strip experience!" Mortimer then whispered towards the microphone nearby.

"That means you're going to be my bitch."

Mortimer appears inside of a crowded airplane, standing between the rows of passengers seated on the flight.

Some snot-ridden brat is crying, so Mortimer has to shout to have you listen.

"You are a gullible dipshit who thinks they know what being in Vegas is like, when you came all the way from England or Quebec back at Canada to gamble away the latest trust fund that your retired parents gave you. Or maybe you have sucker's and fool's luck and want to look more like a sucker and a fool by going for high risks at Sin City. People have all sorts of ways they have to travel to Las Vegas in the first place. Obviously, if you're a foreigner, you take a plane to the States and sit in front of the brat who screams loudly and kicks your seat. The brat's mother is a real Karen and yells at you for looking at her and her kid funny. Next thing you know, your airplane thinks you're worthless and forces you to give up your seat and treat you like you just shot the president!"

Mortimer appears on a barren piece of highway road in the middle of the desert.

"Las Vegas, however, is full of Americans and is visited by other Americans from out of the state and the city. On average, it takes about 4 to 5 hours to get from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. It's why this highway has rest stops and random strangers asking you for gas money."

Mortimer is nearly hit by a car that speeds by them. He turns around to see the driver honk their horn and flip him off.

"You'll be traveling on the meanest stretch of desert if you're coming in from the South. There is the greener pastures up north where the kids who got pulled over drunk in their cars are shipped to. Over there, they have those wilderness therapy camps and the Mormon farms."

Mortimer wanted to say more, but he is suddenly struck by a bus that doesn't stop after he is violently flattened to death.

Mortimer appears on the sidewalk at the Las Vegas Strip.

He is inexplicably without any injuries.

"To get advice, you need a local like me who knows what living in the shadow of a vice-filled orgy porgy is like. Since the fishing hook is embedded in your mouth, you want a hotel at the Las Vegas Strip. There are many attractions here in Las Vegas, but you want a place to stay, before you get mentally 86'ed. I will be talking about some certain hotels in the Las Vegas Strip that hadn't been closed down yet. Las Vegas has its fair share of hotel stories, but there are some honorable mentions I want to point out."

Mortimer appears back in front of the now-closed Mirage. He is wearing a bright pink Hawaiian-looking shirt with sunflowers on it.

"The Mirage is an important piece of Las Vegas history, because it has one of my favorite shows in the city. Cirque du Soleil's LOVE. You can say I'm biased, since I was raised by my Deadhead mother who with her and my father raised me and my sister on The Beatles. They still had a VHS player, so we can watch Yellow Submarine and get in tune with the band. Cirque du Soleil made a show based on their music, where you can buy this fire hazard made out of polyester that I'm wearing. There's also the volcano that would erupt in the evening to add in with the Polynesian theme of the hotel. It's what adds to the magic."

Mortimer glances back to the volcano that is now dormant.

"But magic doesn't always last forever."

Mortimer appears in an empty parking lot in front of the Las Vegas Convention Center.

"This parking lot might not be significant, but this is where the Landmark hotel used to be. Somewhere... possibly it's at the West Wing of the Convention Center, instead. It had both an Incan Southern American theme and it was also made to look like an UFO on a landing pad. It used to be one of the tallest skyscrapers in Las Vegas, before others made bigger buildings for the sake of pride. There's a sad fate that happens to casinos and hotels that go bankrupt. Sometimes, a rich contractor might be merciful and decide that the building needs a major renovation. On other cases, they might say 'Fuck it' and do things by scratch. This is what happens at the latter. They gut out the building. Load it with plastic explosives. Controlled explosives. Then, like a typical Vegas show, they blow the thing up, having it implode and collapse onto the ground like a pile of sticks."

The skies above Mortimer would change into a twilight. The parking lot remained empty, but almost like a phantom, the Landmark hotel appears as a ghostly visage.

"Isn't it ironic that some would have the nerve to say that the act of destroying works of art can be considered to be works of art themselves?"

"The pirates of Treasure Island genocided a bunch of Arabs with their cannons to make way for Italy. The Mexicans died during one New Year's Eve to make way for Mandalay Bay. Aladdin ran out of wishes from his magic lamp and died for Hollywood. New Orleans became a fucking parking lot by one of the newer hotels, The Cromwell. Coney Island and the cosmos became new modern hotels. The Riveria Hotel, where they hosted this disaster of a brony convention, finally met its karma. The Clarion refused to die and made some construction workers unhappy."

Mortimer stands below a restored sign that read out "Landmark".

"Back at the Landmark, it had bit the dust during the 90's. Howard Hughes once purchased the building back in the 60's and one of the early king of goths would mourn the loss of the Landmark and made it immortal in one of my favorite movies Mars Attacks. I never got the chance to go in, but there are times where things are past their natural prime." Mortimer looked down at the ground and bowed down his head.

"And you want to know something interesting?"

Mortimer appeared at where the Tropicana used to be.

"Las Vegas still blow up hotels. Tropicana was just their recent addition in the graveyard."

Mortimer appears inside the infamous Damien Hirst suite in the Palms Hotel.

"To give some extra context for these hotels, they are required to be directly at the strip. A lot of people have examples they list, but we will get to them. Especially the hotels that are terrible. You say someone about the worst hotel in Vegas, they will give you an answer. You ask someone else, they will give you another completely different answer.

For my list, I want to discuss hotels that I believe are mostly visited by everyone and have near full capacity. But don't worry, I'm here to discuss the shitty hotels in Vegas!"

Mortimer gladly presented the example he was in.

"I can shit on the Palms for having this fucking piece of shit room here, but the resort isn't at the Strip. What you are seeing right now is made by a hack artist named Damien Hirst, who made this children’s psychiatric unit as a hotel room." Mortimer walks over to a table counter that is decorated with medical waste. "There's butterfly and pill stickers covering the windows, there is art of pills and medicine, you're just paying money to stay in a hospital-themed room! AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE HOTEL ROOMS, IF NOT, IN VEGAS, BUT IN THE WHOLE WORLD!" Mortimer yells out loud to illustrates his point, kicking one of the windows.

"Fucking pathetic!!!"

Mortimer went over to a piece of art, which was a medicine cabinet that had rainbow-colored boxes of medicine.

"Oh no! I'm not joking! For 100 thousand dollars a night, you stay here! In this shitty room with this shitty art!"

He went back to the windows.

"You want to know something? Hotel rooms can be charged extra, because due to other attractions in Vegas, people want to score themselves a nice view of said attractions. So you're getting ripped off, because some middle schooler in a designer's body put all of these stickers on the wall and said, 'Oh yeah, it's supposed to be art!' NO, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!" Mortimer got genuinely mad.

"You're going to be eating room service and you have to eat over the medical waste table. No one wants to stare at trash while they eat!" Mortimer mentioned going back to the tables.

"The people who go on their Youtube videos and get the hotels to sponsor them to talk about how cool their expensive suites are, they have to increase their levels of spewing bullshit because they know that this room is hideous! The price should match how useful something is than just have a high price up to get the gullible of rich dorks to buy it so they can flaunt it around.

Mortimer appears in a random modern art gallery.

"Don't get me started with today's modern art! It's the biggest money laundering scheme imaginable and everyone else that said predatory and heartless art gallery owners are also responsible for the creation of NFTs! I mean, art is subjective... People get that. I can enjoy myself some Yoshi-" Mortimer paused.

"No, that's not right... Yo...Ya.. Yayoi... Ok, got that first name down. Ka-zoom-e? No, how the hell do you say her name again?"

YAYOI KUSAMA.

"Her! Right. I can't say her name. Frickin' strutter. I like her. It's the same style she does, but at least, it looks pleasing and gives a sense of imagination."

Mortimer walks over to a dead shark in a tank of formaldehyde.

"Damien only gets rich from putting dead animals in tanks and making art from garbage! That isn't art! Putting a banana on a canvas and putting duct tape on it isn't art, either! I can get putting hundreds of diamond on a skull, but when you get that dipshit to do your album cover work, there were 100 of other artists who can do a better fucking job!"

Mortimer suddenly paused and takes a deep breath. There was a mischievous smirk on his face.

"I can do some price fixing on my own here..."

Mortimer walks over to a glass case that contains the sculpture of Fountain by Marcel Duchamp.

"Notoriety raises the price of art. No one actually gave a shit about the Mona Lisa until someone stole it back to return to Italy. Here's what important..." Mortimer leaned forward, to which he was pulling something out that he hidden behind him like a cartoon character.

"Artists need to respect other artists."

Mortimer pulled out a sledgehammer. He moved the top of it against the case, getting ready to swing it.

"It's why I want to keep shitting on our boy Damien Hirst again, because of what he did to Cartrain." Mortimer begins to raise the sledgehammer back, getting into position.

"Cartrain was only a teenage artist at the time. So what he did was he made a playful collage of Hirst himself. Normally, Cartrain is known for his graffiti urban art, but Hirst saw that Cartrain was using an image of his skeleton-encrusted skull and had a bitch fit, getting some lawyers to remove all of Cartrain that had that skull on it.

Mortimer swung the sledgehammer, completely shattering the top of the glass case, but the Fountain sculpture was still intact. Some alarm was blaring, but Mortimer can hear himself talk to which he raised his speech volume lightly. Mortimer used the sledgehammer to clear aside the glass shards in the way, while he kept talking.

"Despite people on Cartrain's side, he wanted to make a point. Maybe he worked. So Cartrain himself decided to go to the Tate Britain and go snatch from unused pencils from Hirst's art installation of Pharmacy. Shoplifting aside, Cartrain decided to make some fake Wanted posters that he put around London and demanded that he get his art back, or he would sharpen the unused pencils. Take a guess, NO TAKE A REAL GUESS WHAT THE ASSHOLES DID!

They considered the theft of the pencils as a major art heist! Over a box of pencils that you can get for cheap!" Mortimer said, wanting to wish it was fake. He was currently busy unzipping his fly, so he can get his dick out, having drank several water bottles beforehand.

"Damien Hirst doesn't give a shit with other artists. He even has that smug counter-argument by saying 'Oh, if you think it's easy to put a shark in a tank full of formaldehyde, why hasn't anyone else done it before?', well because it's fucking stupid and pointless!"

Mortimer got his "water gun" ready.

"What you need to get the crowds REALLY interested is to contribute to art. Especially this conceptual art that some people still do."

Mortimer happily pisses onto the Fountain.

"Hirst probably wishes that someone got the chance to stick their dick into that diamond skull of his! Art like this is one that allows for an intervention. What do you expect from all of the modern art that got accidently mistaken as trash and thrown away?" Mortimer started to laugh manically.

A SWAT team showed up and for seemingly no reason, opened fire directly onto Mortimer, shedding him with another form of lead and even shooting his dick off in the process.

---

An annoyed Mortimer Schaub, currently 13 years old, followed the rest of the students out of the Arte Museum to wrap up their field trip. One of the kids in front of him wouldn't shut up about Hirst, considering it more interesting in some of the other artwork that was on display at the time.

He wished someone really trashed those fucking pieces of artwork that were just pills.

Mortimer appears at the observation deck of The Stratosphere. The amusement rides are full of people on the rooftop.

"Another hotel that isn't in the Strip is actually the Stratosphere, or the Strat for short. It's an unpopular hotel, since the staff can be assholes and the fact that the tower is somewhat an egotistic copy of the Landmark. This tower is more catering towards thrill-junkies and those who like vantage points. Obviously, a tourist trap. These rides you see are made to give you heart attacks. There used to be a roller coaster that just takes you around the top, but nothing more. However, there was once a proposed ride that was a shuttle coaster that starts at the top and goes down from the edge, in a major freefall. It was dubbed the 'Fishhook' coaster. It was supposed to break records, but they probably scrapped it, because the crazy bastards would going to get people killed, if they rode it."

Mortimer blinked.

"I'm not joking."

Mortimer appears at the bottom of the Stratosphere, looking up towards it with some disdain. Nearby, a tourist doing the Sky Jump touches down on the giant bullseye on the ground.

"Even though, it's not on the list, I want to point out how much people in Vegas hate this damned thing. This tower serves as a symbol for the worst that Sin City can do to a person. The person who had it built in the first place wanted it to be his magnum opus. One that cannot be brought down. He stayed true to his words, because many people talked about how it would cost about a billion dollars to have the tower be imploded.

Many of the locals hate it. It's been compared to someone's giant dick, being erect to the skies. An eyesore is what it is. Part of the trash demographic. Fires happened at the tower. One on its opening night. Almost like an act from God, because of how the tower tried to reach the possible heavens like the many Tower of Babels that people would create.

The Federal Aviation Administration talked about how the tower was above regulations, only for the mayor of Las Vegas to come by to say that it was supposed to be the FAA's problem, not the Strat. There was a bankruptcy around the decade it opened."

Mortimer paused, before he continued.

"Then, there were the suicides.

The usual way that it happens is because someone goes up to the observation deck and jumps off. There was one kid who died from jumping. His name was Levi Presley. No connection to Elvis. Levi never went to Red Rock. He went to some other school. The world would get to know about him when essayist John D'agata wrote about him, along with how the city was one that was stressful to live. During the time that the essay was published, Las Vegas had a high suicide rate. It also had a high death rate for kids who died by child abuse under the age of 5. High rate of teenagers during drugs. High rate of intoxication while driving. High rate of kids dropping out from high school. High rate at going broke. High rate at getting divorced. High rate at mental illness not getting treated that is supposed to be a reason for the spike in homelessness.

The tourists wouldn't know that, since they are on their little zoo, but they know to not live here. No, they know!" Mortimer acted frustrated, throwing his arms briefly in the air. "With that smug rationality that people have, they act like they always know what not to do, despite the fact that there are others who don't get that same sense of freedom that everyone else is meant to get! Because the ones who act smart are in denial that the system that benefitted them in the first place isn't fucking RIGGED!"

Mortimer would let out a sigh, looking at the ground. He looks back up again, until he immediately shook his head. He walked away from the base of the tower towards elsewhere.

Mortimer appears in the middle of the Circus Circus.

"Hell comes in different forms, but this is probably the most accurate scientific depiction right here in the Circus Circus. Hunter S. Thompson said it better when he said that the Circus Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. We went past the sixth Reich at this point. We reached the 12th. No sane student from my school would even go here, unless they were stoned or drugged. This is where they drag young kids to be sold off to sex and organ trafficking rings right here. This is probably the worst place in Las Vegas to get high. You're surrounded by children and freaks.

Did I mention how I fucking hate clowns? Not even the most deranged of bisexuals at school want to go here. They can be sick and horny like demons, but they had limits!"

Mortimer appears in front of the Vdara.

"Here's another hotel that isn't making the list fully, but I want to mention a story with the architect who made the building. He goes by Rafael Vin-... Viñoly? Viñoly, yeah." Mortimer had to correct himself.

"Rafael Viñoly died two years and has some accomplishments that he is remembered with, he has a different reputation over here at Las Vegas. Including London and New York."

Mortimer appears at the pool section of the Vdara hotel.

"You see, I get it. Architecture is an important art. In times of demanded modernism, many aspiring architects would demand to be a part of buildings that would last the test of time. Of course, you already know the story of the hotels and buildings that get FUBARed in favor of other hotels. Then, you get others who consider their skyscrapers and buildings to be art. Here's a problem. Architects tend to have that line of thinking on that, if they can make the building that they want to make in Minecraft, they can make it in real life.

The people who really help make buildings go up are the engineers and construction workers. They tend to have a better sense of realism and know what is meant to function. ...Unless the union got in the way during construction."

Mortimer pointed directly at the Sun, giving the viewer some sunglasses to which he sported his own pair of Ray-Bans.

"After the Vdara was constructed, the sun would show what would happen when you make a building that has a reflective surface and concave design. The building collects the sunlight as a solar mirror, which then reflects and goes down onto the pool deck as a death ray. That suntan that you might be getting at the Vdara back before they had to fix the problem? You were cooking alive. Not even the pool water would've helped you.

But that isn't all. Aside from Rafael doing the 432 Park Avenue skyscraper in New York, which has reports of electrical and maintenance problems, along with building sway, which would not fly past the times of Surfside in 2021 especially in New York; Rafael would do work with another building with the same issue. Some fellow friendly Brit tourists mentioned it to me, while I was doing research. Turns out Rafael made the Walkie-Talkie, as it is called in London. The United Kingdom isn't known for its heat waves like the Americas. So you can imagine the shock of many Brits, who found themselves subjected to heat on days where it didn't rained.

At the Walkie-Talkie, it became known as the Walkie-Scorchie. Some parked their guy in front of the death ray and it nearly melted it! Someone even showed on the news over there that the heat was so unbearable that they managed to fry an egg without a portable oven!

It is no surprise that the Walkie-Talkie won the Carbuncle Cup in 2015, which is an award for the ugliest looking building in the United Kingdom."

Mortimer goes to a vending machine in the middle of some random hotel hallway, getting himself a bottle of Diet Pepsi. He glances at the reader, before he holds out the bottle for them.

"Here. Take a sip."

...

The lack of a response annoys Mortimer.

"Freaking drink it! Come on! I have a lot more to ramble here..." Mortimer said, having the reader take a digital sip. "The thing about the Las Vegas Strip is that while the modern hotels don't go by themes, Las Vegas likes to bring in Europe into this city. Most of the best hotels in the Strip are themed to Europe. The very best ones are themed to Italy. One hotel that is supposed to be of luxury has Asian theming in the mix. Bourbon Street went down, but there's Harrah's which is just Mardi Gras in an eternal holiday. The pirates of Treasure Island still reside, but they don't cut the list like I want. Of course, since this is supposed to be the West, a lot of places in Vegas pay tribute to the cowboys that have been on the ancient sands centuries ago." Mortimer grabbed back the bottle of Diet Pepsi to get back a large sip.

"Alright. I'll start at the first hotel to cover. Take some notes."

Mortimer's 10 Hotels - Number 1 - The REAL Sin City Hotel

Mortimer stands in front of the Planet Hollywood hotel, directly next to the Miracle Mile shopping center.

"Our first stop is Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino. For some reason, despite the obvious locations at the East, the business decided to do a Hollywood-themed place in Nevada! Like I said, you can drive 4 to 5 hours to get to the West Coast, but they want to bring the West towards the center! The Planet Hollywood is a byproduct of celebrity and idol worship, billing in with the theme of celebrities and movie memorabilia for film nerds. To get the kids out of there, they went aiming for some mature-theming."

Mortimer appears in front of the proposed new Times Square location for the Planet Hollywood restaurant that is to open later at the time of Mortimer's monologue.

"If you aren't familiar with Planet Hollywood before, I give you a rundown for the ones who sleep under a rock. Planet Hollywood didn't always start as a hotel in Las Vegas. It was a theme restaurant chain, going for a taste of Hollywood stardom. Planet Hollywood restaurants tend to rise and fall, much like Rainforest Cafes and Margaritavilles. There are a few restaurants in notable locations. There is one in Doha in Qatar, but no one has ever gone straight to frickin' Qatar on how tourism is over there. There is said to be a Planet Hollywood also opening up around the same year as the Times Square reopening at Hong Kong Disneyland in one of their hotels.

Now, in terms of the ones that are open still in the USA, I have a gripe for one of them. Not the one in Disney Springs over at Florida. It makes sense, since California is far away from that cesspool Florida. But you put a Planet Hollywood restaurant in the fucking LAX!? WHY!? I mean, I get that people landed to the state or into the country, but you can't pull an early 00's California Adventure stunt by having a California-themed restaurant in California! You're putting a postcard INSIDE of a postcard!"

Mortimer appears back at the Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino location in Las Vegas.

"Planet Hollywood has a fair share of resorts in their roster. The others outside of the States make sense, since they were often in beachside locations, like Cancun and tropical parts of India. Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino in Las Vegas is a bizarre concept, since while hotels in Nevada do try to go resort style by making use of the desert, Planet Hollywood here is too close to other hotels to be considered a resort."

Mortimer smirks towards the reader.

"There is one positive plus side, however..."

Mortimer ends up using a fake ID at a poker table, while a go-go dancer dances directly on the top of the table, while there was a female dancer also in seductive clothing.

"The Planet Hollywood knows its target audience well. The casino area has dancers with their asses sticking out, dancing on top of the poker tables. There's a place called the Pleasure Pit that is supposed to be lust-themed, hence why they have some exotic dancers in the area. Kids be damned here!"

Mortimer walks down the indoor part of the Miracle Mile shops, where the mall transitions from a sleek grey color to what appears to be a desert oasis city.

"One thing to mention. The Planet Hollywood didn't make their own building. Instead, like the Mirage into the Hard Rock, this hotel was originally the Aladdin or New Aladdin by some. Rather than getting demolished, Planet Hollywood did a billion dollar renovation when they brought the property. I can rate the rooms to be good and clean, but for some reason, they don't do any Hollywood theming to the rooms. You will be wondering why there is a black and white picture of some six-packed clothing store model in your room. With the random woman with headphones that's next to your bathtub."

Mortimer reappeared in front of Gordon Ramsey Burger with the fire decorations by the restaurant.

"This resort also has a restaurant that is owned by Gordon Ramsey. I will get to him soon, don't worry, but your better option is actually the Earl of Sandwich place inside of Miracle Mile. Just so you can save your wallet before you plunge it into the slots."

Mortimer then appears inside of a futuristic bar that has two robot arms acting as bartenders that makes drink orders from a touchscreen.

"There is still a good tourist attraction to buy overpriced cocktails from. This here is a gimmick bar known as Tipsy Robot. It's both sleek and futuristic to gawk at, so you can have your Instagram or Twitter out to film your drink getting stirred by the machines."

The robot arms finish a drink made for Mortimer, which happens to be a virgin cocktail.

"And be prepared for the prices here!"

Mortimer's 10 Hotels - Number 2 - The Hotel with All the Kids

Mortimer stands at the entrance of the Excalibur hotel.

"No, you did not get hit by a truck. This is an actual castle-themed hotel in the middle of Las Vegas. The Excalibur is notable, because while Circus Circus is the best way to traumatize your 6 year old forever, the Excalibur could be considered a better option in just having them do shit without getting the way of gambling. Las Vegas was never meant to be family-friendly, but the Excalibur is the most likely place to see families with young kids. A good place like every casino in this town to give your children lung cancer from secondhand smoking."

Mortimer walks inside of the hotel, showing off the medieval theming with the lobby and the other parts of the interior.

"The whole medieval theme does actually add to the appeal of the Excalibur and I can see why it brings in families. Kids like to read fairy tales when they are young, so it's a bit of a dream for them to be at a castle, while the parents go broke. There is stained glass windows, suits of armor, and turrets here. Decor can be considered dated, but you want the tourists to think they are inside of a real castle. Outside of it could go for a paint job, however. When I say that this place is made for the kids, this place is notable for the Fun Dungeon, which is probably the most famous arcade in Las Vegas.

BUT!!!" Mortimer does a dramatic pause, flashing a smile.

"I recommend Area 52, since they have more interesting options."

Mortimer goes inside of a hotel room in the Excalibur to show off its lack of theming. He lays down on the bed, though he admires how comfy it is.

"Here's a fun fact about these hotel rooms at the Excalibur. The staff here sucks at cleaning them!" Mortimer shows a pillowcase with some blood stains on it. "Room doesn't even scream medieval either! Looks more like something you see at an Embassy Suites. The kids aren't going to care that they are going to sleep in filth. That's the real medieval experience right there! This room I'm in is one is where some chick ODed probably."