Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Abigail “Abby” Lester
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Reading, Gardening, Volunteering, Playing the violin, Cosplaying
 
Appearance: Abigail Lester is a pale-faced girl standing at 5 feet tall, weighing 100 pounds. Due to her osteogenesis imperfecta, Abby has blue sclerae, a triangle shaped face and a slightly curved spine. She has thin lips and a round button nose. Her bright blonde hair is tied up into pigtails and a bun and she has dull green eyes, dimples on her cheeks, and bags underneath her eyes. She usually wears foundation and blush on her face. She dresses conservatively, wearing neutral colors and favors wearing something baggy or with long sleeves. She's most often seen wearing a black cardigan over a white button-up, a knee-length brown skirt, long white socks, black shoes, and a rosary with a cross around her neck.

Biography: Abigail “Abby” Lester was born on December 13th, 2006, in Columbia, South Carolina. She is the daughter of Diana and Robert Lester, a pair of strict and no-nonsense Christians, and she is the youngest out of her 4 sisters, which consist of the 27-year old Raina, 24-year old Christa, 22-year old Hilda, and 20-year old Jackie. She also an older brother, a 25-year old named Carter, and a younger brother, a 15-year old named Henry. Abigail came from a well-off background due to her father’s marketing job. She was also raised to be a strict Christian, being homeschooled and attending church from a very young age.

Born with type 1 osteogenesis imperfecta, Abby struggled to crawl and walk as a baby and infant. She was given medical support from her parents while they prayed for her recovery, however they began to grow annoyed of her condition, and the treatment not working as quickly as they wanted to. Despite not getting any injuries, Abby is cautious of any potential dangerous situations lest it cause some fracture to her body. They also put her on a strict diet in order to ensure she has healthy bones, which she still keeps well into her teenage years.

Abigail suffers from a poor relationship with her family due to her osteogenesis imperfecta. While her parents, on the outside, appearing supportive and loving towards their daughter in their church, they resented her for her condition feeling she would have little success in her life, and began acting cold towards her behind close doors. She was often excluded from outdoor activities from a young age, ostensibly due to her condition. Thus, Abby was left to her own devices when she was younger, and she spent most of her time in her house simply in her room reading. Abby’s older siblings, notably Jackie and Hilda, frequently made fun of her condition, while Raina, Christa, and Carter mostly ignored her.

Despite the neglect and mistreatment of her family, Abigail was ardently supported and beloved in her church, with her church members and peers giving time and support for Abby. This support made Abby’s faith grow, and she began to read the Bible daily and attend church more often, with her helping in the garden.

When Abigail was 7, she witnessed a street performer playing the violin. She gained a fascination with the instrument due to the performer’s passion while playing and finding the sounds beautiful. Despite her parent’s apathy towards Abby’s interests, her church nurtured it and provided a violin for her, which she practiced regularly, and one day, for a performance played in her church. This act was met with praise from her church, and Abby found herself enjoying the violin and continued practicing it throughout her childhood and teenage years, frequently playing at events and during her own leisure. She finds playing jazz and classical the most soothing for her.
 
When Abigail turned 9, the company Robert worked at went out of business, and he was hooked up with a job in Las Vegas by a friend, which resulted in their family moving and settling into Meadowbrook. Abigail had to adjust to her new environment, and she enjoyed the scenery of the Las Vegas desert, but the glamorized lifestyle of gambling and alcohol made her uncomfortable.

Abby found herself missing her old community, but was happy to find her local church was friendly and open minded, feeling revitalized. She is highly regarded in the church, frequently attending and helping with events such as soup kitchens, potlucks and Bible studies. She also will gladly help and volunteer at charity events and usually takes it upon herself to spread the word to others.

With Robert’s salary, the high cost of living in Las Vegas and their finances being eaten away after moving across the country, Diana was forced to pick up a job as a waitress and cashier at a grocery store. Because of this, Abby was placed in public school, where her early middle school days were troubling for her as she transitioned to a social environment. She closed herself off for a while as she threw herself into her studies, which lead her excelling in her classes.

Due to her condition, Abby was exempt from gym from her doctor, resulting in her sitting on the sidelines, where the other kids were resentful of her getting out of gym class, and she was picked on. Despite the early years being difficult, Abby attempted to come out of her shell during eight grade, where she began to talk more to her peers, sitting with people during lunch and even offering to help if someone was struggling with a problem. While she was picked on by some kids in her sixth and seventh grade, she was generally left alone afterwards and became a little more sociable, though she still remained quiet and preferred to keep to herself when she could.
 
After one afternoon in the school library she read Goosebumps books for the first time. Abigail's interest in reading expanded from the wide array of options opened up, constantly checking out books from the library to engross herself in the world. These literary works, included such works as Tom Sawyer, A Wrinkle In Time, the Harry Potter book series, and H.P. Lovecraft’s works. Abigail’s love for reading continued well into her teenage years, with her buying any type of book she could get her hands on, all the while hiding it under her bed and inside her closet so her parents wouldn’t find them.

With her father’s health insurance from work, Abby was given great treatment for her condition, receiving regular occupational therapy as well as medication to help her bones. However, the relationship with her parents never got any better, with Diana and Robert stretched thin from multiple jobs as well as providing the needs of their 7 children. This led to them not putting Abby as a priority and causing them to frequently miss appointments until they eventually made her take Uber to and from the appointments. Abby attempted to talk to them about feeling unloved when she was younger, however, the mounting stress from work and trying to raise so many children results in her parents lashing out on Abby, and they screamed at her for being a burden on them. Robert and Diana never apologized for the outburst and it severely affected Abby, feeling responsible for her parents’ stress, and she never complained about her problems to them again.

Abby’s relationship with her siblings have been mixed ever since Abby became a teenager. Raina and Christa moved away for college and didn’t stay in contact with the family, while Carter married young at 22 and, similarly, has minimal contact with Abby. Hilda and Jackie are still living at home, with Hilda being focused on her studies and being limited in her interactions with her younger sister. Jackie, on the other hand, is studying to become a doctor, and gained sympathy towards Abby’s condition. She feels remorse for her treatment of Abby in their childhood and strives to be on better terms with her. While Abby and Jackie’s relationship remained strained, the two’s relationship improved and Jackie encourages Abby’s hobbies and interests, while also sometimes giving her rides to her appointments if she isn’t busy with her studies. Her relationship with Henry is mostly positive, with Henry respecting and being kind to his older sister, but their different hobbies and interests result in them not hanging out much.

At Red Rock High School, academically, Abby is ahead of the curve, excelling in math, science, and English, while only partially struggling in history for freshman year. She is highly intelligent, passing classes with flying colors without any bragging or bringing attention to it. Abby keeps a cool head during stressful situations and can think out problems very clearly and bring forth positive solutions to any issues that arise. This makes her a very good team player while in groups and she is willing to cooperate and work with anyone to get an assignment done. She finds to be math her favorite subject, while disliking history due to a general lack of interest. Within school, Abby can usually can be seen reading to herself or enjoying the peacefulness of nature in the playing field, stadium or gymnasium.

Abby has deeply cared for plants ever since her childhood at her old church, and when she moved to Vegas, she found herself loving the local flora. Beginning to study up on plants, Abby also focuses on her little garden in Meadowbrook, finding herself at peace with the plants and soil. She works at the Mojave Botanical Preserve after school, usually giving tours or taking care of the plant life.

Since sophomore year, Abby gained a fascination for cosplaying due to her love of literature and visualizing characters from books. She began watching cosplaying content and tutorials on YouTube and decided to body paint and dress up as her favorite characters from the books she reads. Her parents despise this hobby but that doesn’t bother her, and because they don't pay her much attention Abby has the freedom to cosplay in peace. Her go-to costume is of a fish-men design, inspired by Lovecraft's The Shadow over Innsmouth, which she’ll occasionally wear outside the house.
 
Whenever she gets to talk to someone, Abigail has a soft smile, a gentle voice, and a huge amount of empathy for others. She’ll gladly talk to someone about their day, their interests, day-to-day life, and anything else while offering them a snack or to get something to drink later. She’ll gladly help anyone who needs it, even if it’s to her own detriment, and she can be taken advantage of. She’ll be able to properly work with others if needed and can cooperate with someone else to solve any issues.
 
In spite of her extremely religious upbringing, Abby is open-minded. She has a great empathy for the poor and homeless, seeing them as the individuals Jesus was taking care of, and frequently volunteers. With the LGBT community, Abigail has some confusions, particularly over gender identity. She finds herself asking questions and is troubled over the potential of someone living a sinful life and asks about why they felt unhappy as their assigned gender. Due to this, she is prone to not understanding things properly and will often say something that sounds offensive. If she is told she has caused offense, she will emphatically apologize and try to make it up to the person in any way she can.
 
Abigail’s one point of contention will always be her religion. While she’s completely open-minded, Abby is a strong supporter of her faith, and when challenged or questioned on it, she’ll feel attacked and immediately shut down any discussion, usually through walking away or telling the person to leave her alone. While acknowledging the issues that religion can bring, she finds herself extremely touchy over the subject and, if pushed too hard, will end up sobbing loudly, something she’ll later apologize for.

Despite Abby’s hard work, intelligence, and empathetic nature, Abby is plagued by self doubt and feelings of worthlessness due to her parent’s neglect, verbal abuse, and their financial struggles, all of which she blames on herself. The years have taken a toll on her mental health, but she attempts to keep a brave face for her church. The feeling of worthlessness eventually culminated into self harming, which she viewed as punishing herself for being a burden and she hides any scars and marks on her body with baggy clothing. Anyone attempting to talk to her about her feelings is shut down by Abby, who always assures to others not to worry about her and that she is okay.

After graduation, Abby plans to move far away from her parents, believing they would be better off without her. She thinks about opening a flower shop in a small coastal town, and enjoying the simple life away from everyone and living on her own.

Advantages: Abigail is a very intelligent young woman who cooperate with others if needed. Abby is also extremely empathetic and is willing to help others; she can be a good teammate.
Disadvantages: Abby's bones are considerably weak due to her condition, making her unable to fight back against any enemy through a physical fight. Abby has a poor mental state, which leads to her lacking any care for her own safety or well-being and leaving her vulnerable.

Howdy pard'ner. Before I can give you a full critique, your profile for Abby needs to fully adhere to the template. Currently, the entire profile is bolded. Fix this, and I'll give you a full critique ASAP!

Here ya' go!!

Hokay, so sorry about the wait. Been a bit busy with work and other things. Full critique coming here, now, to a town near you.


- Firstly, no semicolons in the hobbies and interests lists. Simple commas will do. A semicolon is only used in a list when the list items have commas themselves. Ex. John, the baker; Simon, the policeman; and Toby, the architect.

Abigail Lester is a pale-faced girl standing at 5 feet tall, weighing 100 pounds, with fairly scrawny arms and legs.

- The way this is written now makes the weight read as an interrupting phrase. It reads a bit cleaner as "Abigail Lester is a pale-faced girl standing 5 feet tall and weighing 100 pounds, with scrawny arms and legs."

She had bright blonde hair tied up into pigtails and a bun and had dull green eyes, dimples on her cheeks, with bags underneath her eyelids.

- Had or has? Does she still have these things?

She’s occasionally seen with bruises on her eyes, neck, and cheekbones, which are hidden with some foundation and blush on her face.

- If they are hidden by foundation, then the bruises would not be occasionally seen. But we will come back to this one a bit later as well.

She dresses conservatively, wearing neutral colors but will always wear something baggy or with long sleeves.

- This needs some restructuring. She dresses conservatively with neutral colors, then the word "but" sets the reader up for something that is a contrast to conservative dress and neutral colors.

The attire she’s seen with the most is a black cardigan over a white button-up shirt and a brown skirt covering her knees, with long white socks and black shoes, and she wears a rosary bead with a cross around her neck.

- This sentence will flow better as a simple list with only the conjunction on the last item. "She's most often seen wearing a black cardigan over a white button-up, a knee-length brown skirt, long white socks, black shoes, and a rosary with a cross around her neck." Also "rosary bead" is incorrect as that would be a single bead.

She is the daughter of Diana and Robert Lester, a pair of Bible-thumping extreme evangelicals in their highly respected church, and she was the youngest out of her 4 sisters and the middle child of her two brothers, leaving her the second youngest of the Lester household.

- "Bible-thumping" is a bit editorializing for the tone of the profiles. "She was the youngest" so is she still the youngest? If so it should be "she is the youngest of four sisters."
- Also, this is confusing. She's the youngest of four sisters and middle of two brothers. So that makes her........ the fifth of.... a total of seven children? If she has four older sisters that makes her fifth and then I assume "middle of two brothers" means that there is a brother above her and below her. So it would go sister, sister, sister, sister, brother, Abby, brother? In either case, please write this in a way that elucidates the intended number and gender of children and her place among them.
- Also also what are the names of her siblings and their ages?
- I'll say up top here than I'm Jewish. As a Jewess, Christianity is not super my area of knowledge, so I consulted with a staffer who was raised in a religious Christian household and is still involved in the church. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be true just within their church but I was told "Extreme evangelicals are probably the least respected Christian sect."

Abigail came from a well-off background due to his father’s marketing job and her mother being a frequent participant in the church.

- Couple things.
1. Liberty, South Carolina is a town of 3,009 people as of the 2000 census. "The median income for a household in the town was $31,055, and the median income for a family was $37,656." That's not what I would call well off.
2. The town appears to be mostly rural. Not sure what marketing her father would be doing there.
3. I'm additionally not sure why her mother being a church goer is in the sentence about their financial situation.

She was also raised to be an extreme fundamentalist, being homeschooled and attending her church and community from a very young age, as her parents, siblings, pastors, and friends drilled in Bible teachings every day.

1. This sentence needs reworking. "attending her church and community" makes me wonder what/how "attending the community" means.
2. What does "Extreme fundamentalist" mean in this situation.
3. Her friends are drilling the Bible into her every day? She sees her pastors, plural, every day?

Abigail suffers from a poor relationship with her family due to her osteoporosis, which she had been born with. She was frequently judged by her peers and mocked by her siblings, viewed as an outcast and “freak” due to her deformities. Thus, Abby was left to her devices when she was younger, and she spent most of her life outside in nature and her thoughts. Despite the neglect and mistreatment of her family and church, Abigail actually grew her faith by herself, spending her nights reading the Bible and her days out in nature. While raised in strict Evangelical Christianity, Abigail defined herself as a Catholic, though never publicly to the church.

Osteoporosis:
1. What deformities? I didn't see any mention of deformities in her appearance.
2. Osteoporosis is pretty rare in teens and is called "juvenile osteoporosis." Juvenile osteoporosis is usually caused by an underlying disease or condition or by medications that the child is taking, but there are several different conditions and medications that can cause it. In even rarer cases, the underlying cause is not known and that is called "idiopathic juvenile osteoporosis." This is a rare thing on top of an already rare thing.
3. There are treatments for this. I don't see any mention of treatment, though.
4. If someone is prone to bone fractures, I'm not sure if leaving them alone in the woods is a good idea.
5. The church itself and the people within it are calling her a freak for her illness? My Christianity consultant says

A Christian person wrote:They'd go the other way and constantly be praying for her to be healed. There are some sects that do see illness as punishment for sinful behavior but she's a child. If they were that radical they'd blame her parents, not her.

Catholicism:
1. I went to consult the local staff Christianity expert on this point and they had this to say:

A Christian person wrote:Catholicism is an entirely separate thing. It's not something you can personally define yourself as. You have to take, like, classes. I have friends that had to "become" Catholic because they were teachers and wanted to teach at a Catholic school, and they had to attend a Catholic church for a set number of times per month and do a bunch of other stuff. Christian you can become at any time, Catholic is very rigorous and you cannot really be secretly Catholic.

She'd need a pretty good reason why she'd go Catholic specifically. Catholicism is, by and large, not compatible with Christianity. They aren't similar flavors of the same religion. Catholicism holds that you can basically do good stuff to cancel out your sins. Christianity holds that you have to actively repent and make a real effort to stop doing the sin.

Thanks, Christianity consultant.

When Abigail was seven, she gained a fascination with the violin and played in her church, an act that was met with praise from both the community members and her own family, one of the few moments of affection she had had in years. Unfortunately, this affection was short-lived, and her relationship with her family remained rocky. However, she found herself enjoying the violin and continued practicing it throughout her childhood and teenage years, frequently playing for events and during her own leisure.

- Why the violin? If it's a source of pride from her church and family, why do they decide they don't care anymore after a short time? What does she get out of it? What sort of music does she play?

When Abigail turned 9, her family packed up and moved away to Las Vegas as Robert gained a promotion in his marketing career.

- If they are such strict evangelicals, why would he accept a job in Las Vegas?

Abigail didn’t make any friends in elementary and middle school, being picked on and bullied by other kids for her outcasted nature, thus leading Abigail to spend most of her time by herself once more.

- What does "outcasted nature" mean?

After one day in the school library when she read the Goosebumps books for the first time, Abigail gained an interest in reading, constantly checking out books from the library to engross herself in the world. These literary works, such as Tom Sawyer, A Wrinkle In Time, The Harry Potter book series, and H.P. Lovecraft’s works. Abigail’s love for reading continued well into her teenage years, buying any types of books she could get her hands on, so much so that she has a bookcase filled with them that she holds as her personal treasure.

- "After one day in the school library" makes it sound like she spent the whole day at the school library.
- If you could either do quotes around the names of works or put them in italics, that would be good.
- Her strict Christian parents are ok with Harry Potter, A Wrinkle In Time, H.P. Lovecraft, and Goosebumps? Christian parents spent much of the 90's and 2000s burning Harry Potter books and protesting their inclusion in schools. The other titles are also not going to be seen kindly by them.
- Also "any types of books" very pretty broad.

This makes her a very good team player while in groups and is willing to cooperate and work with anyone to get an assignment done.

- So the first clause here is "This makes her a very good team player while in groups." Cool. The subject of the first clause is "her." The second clause which comes after the conjunction "and" is "is wiling to cooperate and work with anyone to get an assignment done." However, its verb phrase doesn't match the first verb phrase.

To make this read correctly you have two choices.

1. Add a subject to the second clause and make it two independent clauses joined by a conjunction.
"This makes her a very good team player while in groups and SHE is willing to cooperate and work with anyone to get an assignment done."

2. Remove the mismatching verb "is" from the second clause so that it is a dependent clause that relies on the first subject and verb phrase to make sense.
" This makes her a very good team player while in groups and willing to cooperate and work with anyone to get the assignment done."

She finds math her favorite subject, while gym is her least favorite,

You need a proper verb phrase in the first part of this sentence. Right now the main verb is "finds." So it makes it sound like she is finding math (on the ground?). You can see in the second part of the sentence you did include an appropriate verb "is." "Gym is her least favorite. "Is" is in English a conjugated form of "to be." "To be" is the infinitive of "is." I am. You are. She is. They are. Etc. When you have a conjugated verb first, you don't need to conjugate the second one.

She FINDS (conjugated) math TO BE (infinitive). However, the second verb is the one that is the main verb in the phrase.

Ergo "She finds math TO BE her favorite subject, while gym is her least favorite." Or if we conjugate it without the first verb "Math IS her favorite subject while gym is her least favorite." Either of these works.


Just as an example you do the [conjugated supporting verb] [unconjugated main verb] in the very same sentence later. " managing to get a doctor’s note to sit out of gym due to her osteoporosis." Managing is the conjugated and "to get" is the infinitive.

She doesn’t attend any sports or extracurriculars; however, she has taken it upon herself to attend to the local plant life around the school

- The janitorial/landscaping staff is going to yell at you and chase you away if you try to mess with the plants on school grounds. If you want to garden, have her join a gardening club or something where there is dedicated space for the kids to mess around with plants.

Abby also dabbles in cosplaying, with body-painting being a particular fascination with her. This fascination grew from her love of literature and visualizing the characters from her books, wishing to dress just like them, thus taking it upon herself to learn to cosplay and body paint. Her go-to costume is of a fish-men design, inspired by Lovecraft's The Shadow over Innsmouth, and she goes all out for events where a costume is required.

- So, in the interests and hobbies the only thing relating to this listed is "body painting." I am a cosplayer myself, but one that has never dabbled in body paint. Cosplaying does not equal body paint and would require other skills like sewing or modifying existing clothes, wigs, makeup, props etc. If you want that to be a hobby you'll have to list it and elaborate on it. Body painting is just.... painting the body. Where did she learn this skill? What events is she going to "where a costume is required"? And are her parents alright with all this?

Along with that, Abby is very highly regarded in the local community, including the church. She frequently volunteers at soup kitchens, church potlucks, homeless shelters, and Bible studies, willing to drop everything to help.

- Church potlucks.... can't happen more than once a week I imagine? And you just make one dish and show up. It's not really a charitable service. Why is she doing these things?

Abby can usually be found by herself. She spends her breaks in the hallways of the school or a classroom, praying, and will encourage anyone else to pray with her if they need to.

- I consulted my Christian expert on this and they said:

A Christian person wrote:You might say a prayer in the morning as kind of a "bless everything that's going on in this building today" kind of way.
Or you might pray for specific people, and just generally be mindful of things that people have raised to you, but if you were just wandering around praying it'd be weird and probably pretty off-putting even to people in the religion. Especially if she's randomly asking non-Christians to pray with her, that's a very weird thing to do.

- Also if you read the school area descriptions you will find that there are no hallways. All buildings are their own separate building that students walk between, since the generally warm weather means that the kids don't need to be sheltered from the elements.

She is also outside in the playfield, lying on her back or side near the poolside or the grass, resting her eyes and clearing her thoughts.

- This makes it sounds like she is outside in the playfield right now. You may want something like "She spends a lot of time outside on the field" etc etc

She will also be in the auditorium and empty classrooms after school, practicing her violin, and will be okay with anyone staying to listen for a bit.

- See above.

In spite of her extreme religious upbringing and her bigoted family, Abby is open-minded.

- This is the first I'm hearing of her family being bigoted, them mocking her illness aside, which I discussed earlier.

She has a great empathy for the poor and homeless, seeing them as the individuals Jesus was taking care of, and frequently volunteers to help.

- This should go up in the paragraph about volunteering to explain why she likes to volunteer.

She is much more open to gay and bisexual people, believing it isn’t much of a sin due to everyone having queer thoughts,

- OK, I know that *I* have these sinful thoughts but I don't think it's something everyone has. Why does she think everyone has queer thoughts?

Abigail’s one point of contention will always be her religion. While she’s completely open-minded, Abby is a strong supporter of her faith, and when challenged or questioned on it, she’ll feel attacked and immediately shut down any discussion, usually through walking away or verbally telling the person to leave her alone. While acknowledging the issues that religion can bring, she finds herself extremely touchy over the subject and, if pushed too hard, will end up sobbing loudly, something she’ll later apologize for.

- I don't think open-minded people generally start sobbing loudly and running away when someone questions their beliefs.

The neglect and mistreatment at the hands of her family, as well as bullying ever since elementary school, leads Abigail to having an extremely low self-esteem and feeling as if she doesn’t deserve to live. She will make disparaging comments about herself, apologize when something isn’t her fault, and feel as if she deserves to be ridiculed and bullied.

In spite of her best trying to keep this hidden, friends and observant students can see something is wrong. Not just emotionally, but physically, as Abigail will frequently have bruises across her face that she hides with makeup, and she wears long-sleeve clothing no matter the temperature, and people with a keen eye can notice her scratching at her arms. If anyone attempts to ask her, she’ll make up any excuse and simply tell others to not worry about her.

- So, I'm going wrap the bruises from the appearance section in here. You seem to have this concept of her family being extremely neglectful and abusive and this is the first time it's been mentioned besides in passing when grouped in with other people also kind of just neglecting her or saying something mean. What are these comments (besides about her illness, which also needs to be expanded on)? What is her family doing exactly? I don't know anything about a single one of her siblings or anything about how her mother and father interact with her as individuals. Where are the bruises coming from? Reading this profile I could assume it's from her hiking and I wouldn't have any evidence to suggest I'm wrong. This needs a lot more explanation.

Ever since senior year, Abigail has thought about, once she graduates, leaving everyone behind as she moves across the country to somewhere quiet and desolate.

- Senior year is the present time. "Ever since right now"? "Recently Abigail has thought that once she graduates she will leave everyone behind" etc etc is how this should read.

She pictures being a ghost, no one even remembering her as she lives somewhere far, far away. The idea surfaces every day, during every moment she feels hurt, upset, or worthless, and sometimes she believes that if she doesn’t go away, she’ll end up snapping and hurting someone she cares about, or herself.

- This is a bit editorial for the tone of a profile. Also, what leads her to think that? It doesn't seem like something she has a history of doing.
- She has no life aspirations besides moving some place and then dying alone?

Abigail is a very intelligent young woman who is able to keep a cool head no matter the situation.

- This doesn't seem consistent with her starting to sob and flee the moment someone pushes against one of her beliefs.



Aaaaand we're at the end.


From reading this profile I gather that you want to make someone who is kind of fragile and empathetic but who has a family that beats them down for whatever reason. I would look to expand in the areas that I pointed out to further explain how this situation came to be because I'm not really sure right now and found myself having to do a lot of guess work. Additionally, I know Christians are a majority religion and therefore not generally oppressed within Western society but that doesn't mean the topic doesn't require the same care you would give to another religious group. Please take a look at the areas where I've asked for clarity regarding Christianity and flesh out that element of the character realistically.


That's about it. If you have any questions I'm available here and on Discord. Post when edits are done, and I'll take another look!

Aaaand there we go! Completely went through and restructured everything! Hope this is good!

Alrighty, apologies again. Work is less hectic now so no more long wait time. This is quite an improvement overall so I just want to say that up top and thank you for your hard work and for working with me. A lot of my questions this round are going to be about expanding or asking for more information. With that...

Due to her Osteogenesis imperfecta, Abby has blue sclerae, a triangle shaped face and a slightly curved spine.

- Per John's Hopkins it looks like that's osteogenesis imperfecta, no cap on the first word.

- A little bit more face info, like nose/lips ?

27 year old Raina; 24 year old Christa; 22 year old Hilda; and 20 year old Jackie.

- Grammar quibble but compound adjectives need hyphens. So 27-year-old Raina, 24-year-old Christa etc.

Abigail came from a well-off background due to his father’s marketing job.

- Whoops, *her father's marketing job.

a pair of strict and no-nonsense Christians in their highly respected church,

- This feels like a response to pointing out that Evangelicals are not looked upon particularly well by other denominations. In some cases being vague is totally OK and if they were more casually Christian or not super involved in the church I would be cool with that, but I think you either gotta pick a denomination or just get rid of the "highly respected" part of this sentence because it makes me go "which one?"

She was also raised to be a strict Christian’s,

- No apostrophe here as that's for possessive nouns.

- Also there is an extra space between this paragraph and the one that starts "Abbigail suffers..."

Abigail suffers from a poor relationship with her family due to her type 1 Osteogenesis imperfecta

- No cap on Osteogenesis and there's an extra space between 1 and Osteogenesis.

She was frequently looked down on and mocked by her family, being viewed as an outcast and “freak” due to her condition.

- I think this was covered by my Christianity consultant last time but the adults at least would probably be praying for her to become healthy. I think this would work a little better with the parents being outwardly supportive since that is what their religious beliefs would lead them to, but still being a bit cold/resentful or treating her as having less potential than the other kids while the siblings are maybe nasty to her when they can get away with it (if it is true that the entire family is this way and no one of her siblings is kinder or meaner than the others). Or maybe they are a very into outdoor activities and/or sports as a family and as a result, she's excluded from a lot of things and spends the time reading.

Thus, Abby was left to her devices when she was younger, and she spent most of her time in her house simply on her room reading.

- "simply in her reading room" not on.

Despite the neglect and mistreatment of her family, Abigail was ardently supported and beloved in her church, with her church members and peers giving time and support for Abby. This support made Abby’s faith grow, and she began to read the Bible daily and attend Church more often, with her helping in the garden.

- No critique here, I just want to say I like this and this is good. This is a good explanation for why she's so devoted to her faith.

While initially unwilling to do anything, pressure from the church convinced her family to intervene, getting good medical professionals and occupational therapy to help Abby through her early childhood.

- Again, them being unwilling to help when they see their baby can barely move is probably not what would happen. But the parents might get frustrated by the problem or annoyed that it's not being resolved quickly enough. Like, they are praying and taking her to the medical professionals but it doesn't seem to be doing as much as they'd like, and they are probably already busy having a whole crowd of kids. Maybe they also give her less time and patience than she needs because of the sheer number of kids. Anyone who would need extra help among them might fall through the cracks and she has the biggest condition requiring additional help from the group of them.

As Robert was working at a lower salary and their finances were being eaten away after moving across the country, Diana was forced to pick up a job as a waitress and cashier at a grocery store.

- I think he'd be paid more in a bigger market but this is an easy fix and you can say its due to higher cost of living in Vegas/ maybe having to help put some of those kids through college or something.

Abigail gained an interest in reading,

- Well, per the profile she already liked reading. But maybe this is the first time she's had access to such a wide and varied selection of books since I imagine her home library was probably pretty limited while being homeschooled. So maybe now she's very excited at just how many options she has, an unsupervised for the first time -- which ties in to the end of this paragraphs about hiding the books.

With more pressure added from the new church, Diana and Robert gave Abby better support for her condition, with Abby receiving regular occupational therapy as well as medication to help her bones. Despite the added help, Diana and Robert’s finances were being drained, leading them to take more hours and shifts to make ends meet. This added stress causes them to lash out on Abby, blaming her for their financial troubles. Abby frequently yelled at by her parents over their lack of funds and her being a burden on them, which Abby feels as if she is to blame for it, and whenever they don’t yell at her, simply ignore her existence while simply paying for her treatment and food.

- Again, not sure about needing the church pressure, but it can be that they do the bare minimum which still makes her feel alone. His health insurance from work would cover her treatment but maybe its not a priority for them and they miss or reschedule frequently and eventually just put her in an Uber or ask friends to take her or siblings. That would still make someone feel very lonely and sad that their parents aren't coming with them or seem to prioritize them. Osteogenesis imperfecta would still get coverage from their insurance which I assume is good because her father works for some kind of marketing firm, but maybe her mom is accompanying her and that does take time and it does restrict how much she can work so the choice becomes either they are resentful for her making their financial situation OR they send her increasingly without them/ on her own and she feels sad and like they don't view her as a priority. They may not have to entirely ignore her existence but they are both busy and she is one of SEVEN and not even the youngest, so they are stretched thin already.
- Also "Abby WAS frequently yelled at"

She finds to be math her favorite subject, while gym is her least favorite, managing to get a doctor’s note to sit out of gym due to her condition.

- If she has a doctor's note then she's not doing gym at all, so I'm not sure why its her least favorite. Maybe she feels further isolated because she spends gym sitting on the sidelines reading. That might cause kids to become resentful like "Oh must be nice getting to read Harry Potter instead of running the mile" (in like, middle school because those children haven't learned empathy). Might be a chance to talk about her middle school/transition years just moving to Vegas too.

She began to study up on plants, enjoying gardening Abby also focuses on her little garden upfront in Meadowbrook,

- I think a word or a comma is missing because this currently reads as "enjoying gardening Abby" etc etc

- I would love to know a little bit about how she developed her empathetic nature and openness towards people. I can easily see it as being a result of having a health issue that she's had to cope with, so perhaps she wants to be kind to others. In a similar vein, I'd like to know how she gets along with other kids generally -- especially since she had that transition from homeschooling to public school, but has now been in public school for a few years.

- I'd also like to know more about her relationship with her siblings. I think that I get your vision here and I think it would make sense for her siblings to be the ones that were more directly cruel to her as kids often don't have a good regulation for that kind of thing, though they might still be not very closer to her and sort of cold as adults/ older teens rather than as outright abusive. What about the brother who is younger than her?


THAT IT. Overall, I think this is a big improvement and I definitely get a clearer idea of where you are going. Let me know when there are edits and I'll take a (faster) look!

And there we go! Hope it looks good!