Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Lily Kemp
Gender: Female
Age: 19
Grade: 12th
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Working out, Wrestling, interior decorating, Cooking, Cleaning.

Appearance: Lily stands at 6 feet 4 inches and weighs 199 pounds. She sports a muscular build from years of working out and fights leaning more towards lean than bulk. Lily has broad shoulders and a moderate bust. Her skin is pale from her German heritage and her hair is black. She keeps her hair short but lets it grow long down her back and tends to sport a side-shaved pixie cut with swooped bangs. Lily’s eyes are very dark brown, and her facial features are sharp. Her nose is crooked from being broken in a fight. Several marks and scars litter her skin from incidents both in the past and present, most notably are the numerous scratch marks on her arms and legs, and the knife wound on the right side of her abdomen. There is rarely ever a time when she does not have Band-Aids or bandages on her body.

Despite the Vegas heat, Lily tends to wear black utilitarian clothes made for comfort and ease rather than style. At school she sports a short-sleeved shirt, a pair of black jeans and a pair of running shoes. Outside of school, Lily is mostly seen in a black hoodie, a black T-shirt, black jeans and a pair of combat boots.

Biography: Lily was born January 31st in Las Vegas to Eve Kemp and Allen Kemp, a nurse and administrative assistant respectively. Cracks were present in her parents' relationship from the start, with Lily being born so Eve could get Allen to marry her. Despite this their relationship managed to endure till Lily was five years old, in which Eve became pregnant once again, despite the fact that Allen hadn’t touched her in a year. The subsequent divorce was long and messy, with Eve gaining custody of both Lily and her new brother Robin. After the divorce was settled, Allen, while still wanting to be involved in Lily’s life, wanted nothing to do with Robin. He would continue to pay child support but would also give Lily a little money to make sure she could take care of herself. Eve was happy with what she got from Allen but wasn’t interested in raising her two children. While she was around, she was disinterested, viewing her children as a burden

Lily struggled with the divorce, frustrated, confused and with no outlet for her emotions, she became violent. One day, in the second grade she got into a fight with a slightly older boy. Despite being bigger and a year older than her, she won the fight. Her high pain tolerance, quick reflexes, and situational awareness gave her an edge against the boy. Lily found that she had an innate talent for physical combat, and that the thrill of a fight provided the catharsis she needed. While the fights only lasted until someone gave up, she would often give her opponents quite a beating till that point. Her high pain tolerance, quick reflexes, and situational awareness gave her an edge against her opponents.

She would continue to get into fights despite repeatedly being reprimanded and suspended, Lily’s behavior continued until it was finally stopped by the school under threat of expulsion. Only her good grades and teachers' intervention stopped her from being expelled outright and only if she was assigned a guidance counselor. Her behavior had left her with a violent and unruly reputation, isolating her from her peers and leaving her with no one to rely on except a few teachers. Lily would often meet with her counselor, and while her presence helped it didn’t fix her core problems. Her counselor would encourage Lily to try other ways to vent her emotions, from keeping a diary or meditation, none would truly stick besides interior decorating. Lily found that cleaning and making her environment look nicer made her feel calmer, a hobby she would stick with.

Eve’s involvement in Lily’s development was a hands-off affair, never truly trying to connect with her daughter or trying to help with her aggression. Often hand-waving her behavior or outright ignoring it, only stepping in when it reflects poorly towards her. While Eve didn’t want kids, she knew how she wanted them to look and be, her daughter failing on both accounts. Lily was very tomboyish, often forgoing more traditionally feminine things for masculine. Eve would try to get her daughter to be more feminine like her, but this backfired causing Lily to begin to hate femininity in all forms, believing that to be feminine was to be like her mother whom she abhorred. When Eve realized that she couldn’t change Lily, she lost interest in both her kids.

During the third grade, Lily was frustrated, resentful, confused, and her only known way of dealing with these emotions was banned. So, she looked for other ways to outlet these feelings like minor acts of petty crime or breaking things in abandoned buildings. On occasion she would get into altercations with other delinquents, which gave her the thrill she craved. This would start to give Lily a following from delinquents, those who hoped being around her would make them feared or respected. The lack of true companionship began to poison her mindset, believing her peers were all conniving snakes waiting for her to show weakness so they could abandon and betray her. She began to close herself off from others, keeping anyone who tried to befriend her at arm's length. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As Lily grew older, she required less care and was able to take care of Robin. Eve took advantage of this change and would become more distant, while present Eve was neglectful and started to leave a lot of Robin’s care to her daughter. Lily, now forced to pick up the slack left by Eve, became even more frustrated. Her bad behavior increased, instead of shoplifting once a month it became a once-a-week affair. Her anger and stress made her more aggressive and shorter tempered, causing more verbal outbursts. As her control of her emotions became worse, Lily started to compulsively scratch herself whenever she was upset or overwhelmed, finding the pain to keep her grounded. Lily often scratched deep enough to draw blood, which would have to be bandaged by her. Lily would start to wear hoodies and long-sleeved shirts, despite the desert heat to hide her marks.

During this time Allen would try again to regain custody of Lily, starting with convincing his daughter. While Lily would have loved to go with her father instead, his refusal to take Robin along stopped her from ever considering out of fear of losing her brother to the system. While he would try several times Allen would eventually relent not wanting his daughter to resent him, though he would continue to try to be present in her life.

In school, Lily’s grades began to slip as her outbursts became more frequent. A change would come during the fifth grade with three incidents. The first was Lily’s first real loss, losing to an older girl after a verbal altercation became a violent physical one. The second was when Lily was caught while shoplifting, while she was let off with a warning after returning the stolen goods, the fact that her behavior could get her arrested and taken away from Robin scared her enough to change direction. Her outburst stopped; she stopped committing petty crimes, and her grades saw a noticeable improvement. To help maintain this upward behavior a teacher would encourage Lily to begin exercising. Lily found that a good workout would ease her mood, and the physical, tangible improvement helped keep her motivated. The last would come when she met Claude O’Neil Porter, her first true friend. Despite their initial meeting, resulting in a fight, the two became best friends. While slow, Claude’s presence began to change her view of others by opening herself up a bit more.

In the sixth grade, Lily would make use of her talent by joining her middle school’s wrestling team after some encouragement from a trusted teacher. Lily quickly became the ace of her school’s wrestling team, enjoying the challenge of strong opponents and the joy of victory. Wrestling also allowed her to truly start forming bonds with others, the companionship she felt with her teammates after sparring leaving a deep impression on her. Desire to push herself and form more connections led to her joining the boxing team as well, enjoying the rush of fighting in a controlled environment and the building of technique. The desire to improve herself, and her skills kept her out of trouble, spending most of her time either at school or at a local gym that she eventually became employed at when she turned fourteen. Lily was doing well mentally and emotionally up till her last year of middle school, where the feeling of a lack of challenge left her thirsting for something more.

Lily moved on to high school at Southwest Red Rock, hoping for a fresh start and some excitement. However, Lily faced a new problem, a growing sense of ennui in her life. The lack of purpose left Lily feeling empty, while her hobbies helped, like cooking and interior decorating, they failed to fill the hole her anger left. This caused Lily to regress back to old tendencies, she began isolating herself and having more verbal outbursts, she started scratching herself again. While she didn’t return to petty crime, she took any opportunity to get out the house, often jogging around the city and engaging with some urban exploration. This continued for all of freshman year, her only real company being her brother, Claude, her father, and a group who aligned themselves with her for her old reputation.

This all came to a head during sophomore year during a night jog. Lily got into an altercation with a group of 4 teenage boys who were hitting on her. What started with Lily turning them down, turning into an argument which turned into a violent confrontation. During the fight while the boys were losing, one pulled out a knife stabbing Lily in the side. While she was able to fend them off enough to force them to retreat, her wound was serious and led to her being hospitalized for two weeks. Being unable to identify or even find the suspects, the case went cold. The near-death experience provided the excitement she was yearning for but scared her. Lily stopped going for jogs at night and started to spend even more time with her brother.

Unfortunately, while Lily felt better emotionally the event scared both her brother and father, both constantly worrying about her. Despite how good it felt to get into a real fight, it wasn’t worth scaring the people in her life. After promising to stop doing reckless and dangerous things, Lily focused her efforts on her education which had floundered in the last year. With a renewed focus on her schooling, and joining the boxing and cooking club, Lily began to improve again. Over the next year, she improved her reputation and began to interact with her classmates.

With her last year in high school, Lily has been doing everything to make up for her poor grades during freshman and sophomore year, trying out new clubs, and focusing on her studies. With Robin being older, Lily has had more time for herself which she has used to figuring out her path going forward. With her grades going strong, and frequent talks with a guidance counselor to make sure she is on track, Lily is hoping to end high school on a good note.

Lily hopes to get a sport scholarship to pay for college, knowing Eve won't and not wanting to ask Allen. She wants to get a degree in athletic training and kinesiology hoping to become coach or personal trainer.

Advantages: Lily is strong, experienced in combat, and violent. She excels in physical combat and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. Her high pain tolerance could save her in a pinch. Additionally, she has few emotional attachments to her class.

Disadvantages: Lily is an outlier to her classmates making it hard for her to gain allies. Her brash nature, and eagerness for a fight could lead to her biting off more than she can chew. Additionally, her reputation could lead to others seeing her as a threat to be eliminated.

Hey NoLife! Good to see you'll be joining us for V9! I've taken a look at Lily for you and my critique can be found below. But I will warn you that currently Lily is going to require some heavy edits before she'll be ready to go into the game. I explain why in more detail below and give you some ideas to work off for making those edits so hopefully this still ends up being useful but let's get down to it.

I'm going to start with the two biggest issues with Lily's profile, and unfortunately, they're the two main stars her character orbits around. But the extent of Lily's fighting and the level of Eve's abandonment will both need to be toned down in order for Lily to be ready for the game. Characters in SOTF are supposed to be relatively normal with some deviations from the norm in their lives because this is a dramatic medium. But Lily as currently written has no normal within her life, she is pretty much just defined by her mothers' abandonment and her fighting, both of which strain believability in how they are currently presented.

Most of this profile is dedicated to Lily fighting, and the extent and viciousness of this fighting throughout her life isn't realistic for a child at school or what SOTF is. You currently have Lily getting into fights with adults where she is getting either stabbed or slashed with a knife, which is just too much and isn't the sort of setting that this RP is. As I previously mentioned, these characters at their core are supposed to be regular, believable high school students.

So reel this in and bring it more into focus on her internal anger at her situation that she struggles with expressing in her everyday life—causing angry verbal or behavioral outbursts and her bad attitude around her peers—but finds some solace in wrestling and boxing that she then pours her energy into as she finds it a good way to prevent her anger overtaking her. This gives you the same end result in a package that is much more in line with the tone of SOTF as an RP.

With regards to Eve being an absentee or disinterested mother that is fine, but like with the fighting the level of the abandonment strains realism. Lily is nine years old when she has to start forgoing meals so that her younger brother can eat. If Eve is gone for days or weeks at a time then someone will notice this at some stage.

This also leads to another issue with Allen trying to regain custody. Currently, the profile isn't clear if he is applying for custody or not but if he is applying for it then the state will take one look at the situation Lily is in and award him custody. Unfortunately, she is unable to refuse. It doesn't matter if she wants to stay with Robin, as Robin isn't Allen's responsibility and he has no legal claim to Robin even if he wants to take him. If he is just coming around and trying to convince her then that would make more sense but this would need to be explained more in the profile, but it still stretches believability that he would just allow his daughter to remain in this household. Since the situation as described is currently very bad.

A remedy I would suggest for this is having Eve be present but largely disinterested in Lily and Robin. She still leaves ready meals in the fridge, and does the washing, buying of clothes etc. but she's also just not doing a very good job, and when she's there things are better but Lily could feel resentful of how Eve seems to consider her children a burden that then feeds into the anger I talked about earlier. This also allows you to avoid the whole awkwardness with Allen trying to regain custody.

These are just ideas I'm throwing out for you, but both of these elements will need to be toned down and reined in before Lily will be ready to go into the game. So I'd have a think about what exactly you want Lily to be and how best to get her there, because I'm afraid the current way her life is laid out isn't going to be able to get through.

Right everything else down here is general profile and grammar clean-up stuff.

For whatever reason your section headings aren't bolded, so make sure you do that.

Hobbies and Interests: Boxing, Working out, Fighting, Running, Taking care of her brother, Cooking, Cleaning

At present, taking care of her brother, cooking and cleaning aren't hobbies that Lily has they're more just things she has to do because of her absentee mother, so they'll need to be expanded upon when you come to do revisions or be removed. Running can also be swapped out with wrestling as wrestling turns up more within the profile.

Lily was born January 31th

January 31st.

Despite this their relationship managed to endure till Lily was five years old,

Comma after this.

The divorce was long and messy

Either use "Their divorce" or "The subsequent divorce" here.

she was neglectful often going out with men and leaving her children with babysitters.

Comma after neglectful.

After the divorce was settled Allen, while still wanting to be involved in Lily’s life, wanted nothing to do with Robin.

Comma after settled.

Lily struggled with the divorce, and with no outlet for her emotions she became violent.

Comma after emotions.

Often hand waving her behavior or outright ignoring it.

Hand-waving, not hand waving.

causing Lily to begin to hate Femininity in all forms

Femininity doesn't need to be capitalised.

This mindset poisoned any relationships she did make, never trusting and always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The second half of this after the comma needs to be reworded to make it read cleaner. Something like "as she never trusted people and was always waiting for the other shoe to drop."

As the oldest, the responsibility Fell to Lily keep them both alive

Fell doesn't need to be capitalised.

Sometime during that year Lily met Claude O'Neil Porter, her first true friend.

Comma after year.

Despite their initial meeting, resulting in Claude being knocked out with Lily barely hanging on and without a baby tooth, the two became best friends.

So I know they fought, but the profile will need to say they had a fight as currently it is not clear what happened.

Despite their initial meeting, resulting in Claude being knocked out with Lily barely hanging on and without a baby tooth, the two became best friends.

This is overly dramatic and they're both ten, so reel it in. They're not going to be going 5 rounds like it's a UFC title fight at that age. Just have them scuffle.

Claude's presence started to change her view on others, at least not putting everyone in the same box.

This will need to be reworded as presently it's a messy sentence.

In the Sixth grade Lily joined her schools wrestling team after some encouragement from a trusted teacher.

Sixth doesn't need to be capitalised, comma after grade, apostrophe at the end of schools.

What does she like about wrestling and what does she like about boxing?

Spending time at her local gym and even getting a job there when she turned 14.

Fourteen not 14.

Along with entering high school she got diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) and Anxiety, which she began to take medication for.

Comma after high school, was diagnosed instead of got diagnosed, if she is being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder please state which disorder she was diagnosed with, otherwise this doesn't need to be capitilised. PCOS comes up here but isn't mentioned again within the profile, so I am not entirely sure what it's purpose is? It will need to be expanded as to how this affects her or removed, your choice which.

Lily moved on to high school at Southwest Red Rock, without the support structures she had made for herself and the outlet for her emotions she began to fall back to old tendencies

This is confusing as the only support structure I can think of that would be changing is her wrestling team but Southwest Red Rock has a wrestling team. Moving schools doesn't stop her from being able to go to her boxing gym and her best friend Claude is also attending Red Rock. You will need to rework this to better explain what you're referring to.

The advantages and disadvantages we will look at in the next go around, as currently, I would expect them to change some with the edits I've asked for up top. So it's not something I'm going to worry about at the moment.

Meaning that is everything I have for you. I know it's a lot but I think Lily will end up better for going through the process now. If you have any questions regarding anything I've brought up here get in contact and I'll help clarify. But other than that post back here once your edits are done and I'll take another look for you!

Had to basically rewrite her made deal. But it is done, I'm certain a lot of stuff needs to be edited but I'm just happy its done. I await with bated breath.

Alright, Lily is looking better than the last cycle and some of the problems have been fixed. But we still have some work to do before Lily will be ready for the game proper. The main thing I think you should focus on when making your edits this go around is to make sure you are matching the character and the events that happen to the tone of the world and game. As I said in the last critique, SOTF characters are supposed to be relatively normal with some deviations from the norm and generally, the tone is grounded overall. As such, things such as Lily leading a gang of delinquents at around age 7/8 doesn't really fit with that. So watch out for incongruous things like that when you go through the profile again this time. With that out of the way let's get to it.

You'll need to either capitalise Interior decorating or only have the first item capitalised for the hobbies and interests.

working out and fights leaning more towards lean than bulk.

Comma after fights. Leaning more towards lean than bulk is also awkward wording and can do with being reworked.

She keeps her hair short but lets it grow long down her back and tends to sport a side-shaved pixie cut with swooped bangs.

The wording here is confusing as you say Lily keeps her hair short but then say it goes down her back.

Despite this their relationship managed to endure till Lily was five years old, in which Eve became pregnant once again

You missed the comma after this. In which also isn't the correct phrase to use here.

but would also give Lily a little money to make sure she could take care of herself.

You'll just want to specify that Allen is giving Lily this money separately from the child support, as the child support goes to the mother.

Eve was happy with what she got from Allen but wasn’t interested in raising her two children. While she was around, she was disinterested, viewing her children as a burden

Full-stop at the end of the second sentence here. But the big question I have is why did Eve even bother taking custody if she doesn't care about or want these children? She is uninterested and throughout the profile and barely takes care of them, so why exactly has she gone through the effort of getting custody?

One day, in the second grade she got into a fight with a slightly older boy.

Comma after grade.

Her high pain tolerance, quick reflexes, and situational awareness gave her an edge against the boy. Lily found that she had an innate talent for physical combat, and that the thrill of a fight provided the catharsis she needed. While the fights only lasted until someone gave up, she would often give her opponents quite a beating till that point. Her high pain tolerance, quick reflexes, and situational awareness gave her an edge against her opponents.

So we're repeating information here as you have the line about pain tolerance etc. twice so remove one of those, but also keep in mind that if this is second grade Lily is seven at this point. I don't think kids this age have a high pain tolerance or an innate talent for fighting. Most fights at this age are a few punches before being broken up. Let's reel this in a bit, it can be perfectly fine for Lily to find that she feels better after the fight but the additional details about how quick and tough she was doesn't help us understand her so focus on that more.

She would continue to get into fights despite repeatedly being reprimanded and suspended, Lily’s behavior continued until it was finally stopped by the school under threat of expulsion. Only her good grades and teachers' intervention stopped her from being expelled outright and only if she was assigned a guidance counselor.

I would imagine this behaviour would also have been reported to her mother, since she is her guardian, so what did Eve think or do regarding this? Or Allen for that matter.

Her behavior had left her with a violent and unruly reputation,

A reputation as violent and unruly, otherwise you're saying her reputation itself is violent and unruly.

none would truly stick besides interior decorating. Lily found that cleaning and making her environment look nicer made her feel calmer, a hobby she would stick with.

This isn't actually interior decorating currently, this is just cleaning and tidying? If she's doing interior decorating or enjoys interior decorating it will need to be explained what it is she does to practice this hobby.

Often hand-waving her behavior or outright ignoring it, only stepping in when it reflects poorly towards her.

You drop into present tense at the end here, so switch that back to past tense for me.

While Eve didn’t want kids, she knew how she wanted them to look and be, her daughter failing on both accounts.

This goes back to my earlier question regarding custody, so make sure that this is properly answered, as currently, this doesn't make sense.

Lily was very tomboyish, often forgoing more traditionally feminine things for masculine.

For masculine what? This is a hanging clause.

During the third grade, Lily was frustrated, resentful, confused, and her only known way of dealing with these emotions was banned.

Banned is a weird word to use here, as fighting isn't something she should have been doing in the first place.

So, she looked for other ways to outlet these feelings like minor acts of petty crime or breaking things in abandoned buildings.

"to outlet these feelings" is weird phrasing and can be rewritten to make more sense.

On occasion she would get into altercations with other delinquents, which gave her the thrill she craved.

Comma after occasion.

This would start to give Lily a following from delinquents, those who hoped being around her would make them feared or respected.

The phrasing is weird here, "a following from delinquents" is very clunky. Also, I am unsure why this would happen or why people would think it would make them feared or respected? Lily is 8/9 years old here as it is third grade. I don't think an eight-year-old is going to be inspiring that much fear or respect from delinquents who could potentially be older than her.

The lack of true companionship began to poison her mindset, believing her peers were all conniving snakes waiting for her to show weakness so they could abandon and betray her.

As I said on the last edit, Lily is eight here, so this doesn't feel like a realistic thought process for an eight-year-old. This whole segment needs to be rewritten really. It feels like you're trying to force this angle of Lily being a badass fighter and it is coming at the expense of the rest of the profile and causing other issues like this where the information we are presented with is very jarring for the timeline we are on. I would suggest toning this down and having Lily be introduced to wrestling around this time period, as she qualifies for the 8U age bracket and could give her an outlet for her frustrations and some structure to her life.

Her anger and stress made her more aggressive and shorter tempered,

Short-tempered, not shorter tempered.

During this time Allen would try again to regain custody of Lily,

Comma after this.

While he would try several times Allen would eventually relent not wanting his daughter to resent him

Comma after times and relent.

In the sixth grade, Lily would make use of her talent

Can you say what talent is being referred to here?

Desire to push herself and form more connections led to her joining the boxing team

A desire.

Lily quickly became the ace of her school’s wrestling team,

Ease up there, this seems unlikely given she's starting later than some of the other kids will be and so won't be as experienced. She can still become a top wrestler on the team but it might not be quickly.

Despite their initial meeting, resulting in a fight,

If you want to use resulting here the first comma needs to come out, otherwise you'd put which resulted in a fight.

While slow, Claude’s presence began to change her view of others by opening herself up a bit more.

Saying that Lily began to change her view of others by opening herself up more doesn't make much sense. I think you mean that while slow Claude's presence led to her opening up more and her view of others changing as a result of this. Since she will have presumably started actively interacting with people and realising they're not out to get her.

Can we split wrestling and boxing off into their own paragraphs as being hobbies and interests they really should have their own paragraphs that go into more detail on them.

Lily was doing well mentally and emotionally up till her last year of middle school, where the feeling of a lack of challenge left her thirsting for something more.

Until not up till. Why is she suddenly feeling a lack of challenge?

The lack of purpose left Lily feeling empty, while her hobbies helped, like cooking and interior decorating,

This is the first time cooking shows up in the profile. As it is in the list of hobbies and interests it will need it's own paragraph.

I'm going to need more on the whole ennui angle here, as it isn't explained in the profile at all really, it just says she has a growing sense of it. Does she not feel purpose from her wrestling or boxing at all? They give tangible goals and things to work towards, especially wrestling, given it's structure of meets and competitions to work towards.

This continued for all of freshman year, her only real company being her brother, Claude, her father, and a group who aligned themselves with her for her old reputation.

This seems like quite a few people, which makes the phrasing here weird. I also don't get why people would be attracted to Lily due to her old reputation, given that the reputation being referred to hasn't been accurate since the fifth grade, which a whole middle school ago at this point in the timeline.

This all came to a head during sophomore year during a night jog. Lily got into an altercation with a group of 4 teenage boys who were hitting on her. What started with Lily turning them down, turning into an argument which turned into a violent confrontation. During the fight while the boys were losing, one pulled out a knife stabbing Lily in the side. While she was able to fend them off enough to force them to retreat, her wound was serious and led to her being hospitalized for two weeks. Being unable to identify or even find the suspects, the case went cold. The near-death experience provided the excitement she was yearning for but scared her. Lily stopped going for jogs at night and started to spend even more time with her brother.

I might have been unclear last go around, but the stabbing and fights involving knives aren't going to be able to be in this profile. If you are dead set on having something like this happen to Lily, please tone this down to one person accosting her on a jog, but do not have a knife involved or have it end in some sort of fight.

These last three paragraphs are very slim and lacking in detail, I'm going to ask for expansion on all them, including updates on her relationship with her mother, father and brother as well as friends. Grades etc. What subjects she enjoys at school, what ones she doesn't. How her wrestling and other hobbies are going etc. One thing to be aware of is that the school isn't going to have a boxing club going, that tends to be done through gyms because having kids potentially giving each other CTE outside of American Football is frowned upon.

There's a random line break between your advantages and disadvantages, please remove this.

Lily is strong, experienced in combat, and violent. She excels in physical combat and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty.

This reads as the same advantage twice. So it may be best to just scrap one or the other. I would also say that violent should be removed as she isn't violent anymore following the rewrites, and being violent itself would need some additional explanation to be an advantage in SOTF.

Lily is an outlier to her classmates making it hard for her to gain allies. Her brash nature, and eagerness for a fight could lead to her biting off more than she can chew.

I don't think outlier is the word you mean here. The eagerness to fight doesn't really gel with this version of Lily, so would need to be reworked.

And that is everything for this pass so post back here once you've made the edits and I'll take another look.