Survival Of The Fittest

Name: Alyson Solace
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Video gaming, digital arts, crafts, online fan communities

Appearance: Alyson is a short Caucasian woman, around 5ft tall, with pale skin. She has a stocky, stout build, with a wide body and weight distributed evenly. She has long, straight, brown hair, with her bangs at the front dyed evenly into six streaks of color spread across the spectrum.

She has a wide, rounded face with brown eyes, as well as darker circles under her eyes consistently. She has a wide, flat nose and average rounded ears. Her complexion is plain with no noticeable acne nor texture, and generally doesn’t wear makeup. Her resting expression resembles a slight scowl and her general demeanour and body language are similarly hostile.

Her outfit varies but generally varies between a few consistent combinations, and is always brightly coloured, standing out easily in a crowd. On the day of her kidnapping, her outfit consisted of a thin pink hoodie, green skirt, rainbow leggings and pink sneakers, as well as accessories including bow hair ties and enamel pins of cute iconography pinned to her sweater. Her hair is tied into two large ponytails at the back while the front is split and swept into uneven bangs highlighting her dyed hair.

Biography: Alyson Solace was born into wealthy parents William and Scarlett Solace as an only child. Their extended family was well established in Las Vegas and her parents were economically successful, being highly positioned executives at an international insurance firm. As a result, she was raised with no material struggles, though her parents made few accommodations to take care of her and maintained their business-heavy lifestyle, even leaving her home alone often. Thus, from a young age she felt somewhat distant from her parents, though no animosity initially.

She lived in a large, high-class home in an affluent neighbourhood of Las Vegas, Silver Springs. As a very young child with few families nearby and no intervention from her parents, she was primarily raised by hired nannies as an infant, and even as a young child. She ended up cared for but generally not engaged with emotionally and left to her own devices, leading to a deep fixation on her interests. These usually involved her favourite fictional media, for example TV and film, and at an older age usually video games and internet comics and media, and often creating crafts and drawings for them. While this made her happy, she always yearned for connections with others her age, and when she did meet people she would always be overly eager, showing too much excitement and oversharing her interests, generally offputting them. She also never felt driven for physical exercise or activities outside of obligations at school, and so remained quite inactive into her teens.

Her parents took no investment in her passions, but obliged when she asked for almost anything they could purchase, seeing it as keeping her satiated. They later also gave her a copious allowance, letting her purchase essentially anything she wanted from her early school years, gathering a collection of merchandising, craft materials and clothing that fit her taste. With the freedom of materials she would enjoy constantly creating small craft projects, including basic stitching, beads, papercraft and similar. She would quickly accumulate small handmade trinkets and baubles even at a pre-schooling age, decorating her room and belongings with the things she loved.

She eventually formed a connection with her most frequent nanny, others rotating in and out as available and so broadly remaining distant. Her main nanny was relatively kind and understanding, raising her up into her young schooling years and doing her best to engage with her interests, despite a lack of understanding in her age. She expressed concern to Alyson’s parents about her lonesomeness and lack of engagement with her interests, but they were dismissive. They later cut her hours down and eventually ceased her services as Alyson grew older, as she was considered unnecessary and Alyson was expected to take care of herself. Alyson remembers her fondly enough, though doesn’t feel any special connection to the way she raised her today, and is not at all interested enough to reconnect as a young adult.

Especially due to her relationship with her nanny, her attitude stuck, and she remained a bright and excitable young girl as she was admitted straight to an expensive, private elementary school for high performing students, her parents' expectations overwhelming to her. She immediately floundered, struggling heavily with classes and focus, and unable to make friends with her peers, who were so different to her - intellectual and rarely invested in her own creative or media interests, with much more formal demeanor. She would start to complain vocally to her parents, who eventually relented seeing her poor results, and sent her to a standard public school instead. Throughout middle and elementary school, she was finally able to form some friendly relationships for the first time in her life.

While she found more satisfaction with this, she remained discontented, as the feeling that she wasn’t happy enough slowly crept into her. Without any younger experience or knowing how to maintain or open up to friendships, she found herself feeling out of place, or that her relationships were hollow and unfulfilling. Due to undiagnosed ADHD and autism, she also struggled in general through her classes, and was offered basic support and counselling, though none of it helped. Her specific symptoms went unrecognised, being more subtle than more standard cases and herself unable to recognise the root of her issues and so the specific support that would have helped wasn’t sought. Instead, she began to believe herself lazy and inept. Her stunted emotional maturity and neurodivergent tendencies only grew worse as she got older, and her emotional issues slowly deepened their roots, culminating in a blatant depressive disorder and insecurity issues. Trying to reach out to her parents, they offered little support, only coldly telling her to return to the school counseling or speak with a therapist, and chiding her for being unable to handle herself. They were willing and open to pay for this support, but expected her to organize and travel for appointments by herself, which she found herself unmotivated to do despite acknowledging to herself that it would likely be helpful.

She began to isolate herself, not completely alone but keeping all friends at arm’s length (instead of trying and failing to connect), while her mental state spiraled before stabilizing at a low point. Depressed, but with control over her emotions, repressing most of her extreme feelings leaving her with a quiet existential spite, towards the parents and world that failed her. She sank into her interests, spending a lot more time playing games as it was easier to tune out her thoughts, and waste away hours and hours than with video media. She would switch between a variety of games, struggling to stick to them most of the time, though becoming deeply fixated on any she didn’t bounce off of. Online anonymity kept her distant from expressing herself and from the people she spoke to, so she became ingrained in internet fan communities, finding it easier to relax her personality and speak with a little more freedom from herself to other anonymous fans. Her parents remained distant, disapproving of her direction and performance. They were willing to spend money as needed to correct her, but lacked sympathy and expected her to ultimately organize her needs on her own, with their money. Her lack of motivation prevented this and her attitude quickly became difficult, and so they were uninterested in forcefully correcting her or sending her away outright, as long as she wasn’t outwardly disruptive, essentially giving up on responsibly managing her behaviour.

Entering high school, Alyson was now a deeply jaded and cynical individual, struggling to maintain connections at all and actively dismissive or hostile to most strangers. She was self-aware of her issues, but not driven or optimistic enough to attempt any change. Despite the irony, she sustained her bright interests, and spending so much time alone, she began to focus more on her drawing. Carrying around a notebook and pencil was much more convenient and inconspicuous than varying craft materials, and so she would spend whole classes sketching things at the back of the classroom, procrastinating on her work. She took a small solace in noticing herself improve and enjoying the work she created, accruing considerable drawing skill and a halfhearted ambition as a creative professional. Her allowance was cut down harshly due to her general defiance and the expectation for her to be responsible for herself, though she continued to disregard what her parents wanted from her, even stealing small sums from them if she needed. They would never notice with the wealth they had.

She continued in this state, struggling to stay just above the requirements for schooling and keeping to herself, until meeting Ebony Lisabeth-Brooke. She immediately took a liking to Alyson, and despite Alyson’s resistance they begrudgingly grew closer. Through their relationship she gradually opened up and began to express herself more authentically, both of them coming to understand and connect with one another despite their differences. They remained very close since bonding deeply to the present day, and Alyson found herself able to open up a little more to a few others around her too. She collected a small friend circle, opening up slightly more again, while being broadly overlooked by most others. While she sometimes struggles to be emotionally open, she is significantly less miserable and more connected to others than beforehand.

Alyson remained living with her parents in the same house, though they have been absent more often than not. She was broadly self-sufficient at home and tended to ignore them even when they were present. She spent most of her time at her high school or nearby locales, alone or with Ebony and a few other close friends. She still wishes to become an artist, though struggles with the drive to succeed, and drifts through life meeting the bare minimums instead, including her academic performance which is poor across the board. She does not mind Southwest Red Rock, disliking its focus on athleticism but accepting classes as a fact of life and holding some interest in available arts programs. Socially, she is also relatively comfortable with the few individuals she has found connection to. Her parents firmly consider her a disappointment, and no longer show much interest in her success. Though more wavering, Alyson’s cynicism remains, and she is already pessimistic about her future.

Advantages: Alyson is deeply emotionally repressed, and so would compartmentalize most violence in her mind, remaining composed and relatively unburdened. She would have no qualms or guilt with her own use of dirty, unfair tactics. She also has a decent baseline of technical skill to set up strategic conflict, like crafting traps and acquiring vantage points.
Disadvantages: Alyson is generally quite unfit physically, and will not be able to rely on physical strength or athleticism whatsoever, growing winded and needing to recover from any more than a short sprint. She relies heavily on the few emotional connections she holds closest, and as a result will strongly avoid potential conflict or grief between them and herself, to the extent of lashing out or avoiding favourable opportunities to cooperate if pushed.

ok lets try this again, resubmitting with i thiiink everything that was discussed addressed

Hey Cruxin! I’m here for Alyson 2.0! I firstly would like to apologize for this waiting period and thank you for your patience. I did this the last time, but I don’t see harm in doing it again, but remember that the profile process is just that—a process. I may say things in subsequent rounds that I do not say in this round, it’s not to create hoops or shift goalposts, but instead because I am human and sometimes reconsider things in my review and rereading. I try to take a casual, informal approach to critique as I believe it facilitates the most honest and clear conversation. Everything I say is with the intent of getting the best version of Alyson into pre-game and then later into game proper.

With all that said, let us get going!

Appearance

She has long, straight, brown hair, with her bangs at the front dyed evenly into six streaks of color spread across the spectrum.

I think ‘the spectrum’ and the way this is phrased is a bit vague and overly wordy when what we want to say is that she has rainbow bangs. I’d reword this to make it a bit clearer.

She has a wide, rounded face with brown eyes, as well as darker circles under her eyes consistently. She has a wide, flat nose and average rounded ears. Her complexion is plain with no noticeable acne nor texture, and generally doesn’t wear makeup.

I think this first sentence could be simplified, specifically the point with the dark circles under her eyes. “She has a wide, round face with tired brown eyes paired with dark bags from lack of rest.” Something like that would be effective, I think. The next sentence is fine and clear but it’s ending is missing a word, I think you want to go ‘generally she doesn’t wear makeup’.

Her resting expression resembles a slight scowl and her general demeanour and body language are similarly hostile.

Her outfit varies but generally varies between a few consistent combinations, and is always brightly coloured, standing out easily in a crowd. On the day of her kidnapping, her outfit consisted of a thin pink hoodie, green skirt, rainbow leggings and pink sneakers, as well as accessories including bow hair ties and enamel pins of cute iconography pinned to her sweater. Her hair is tied into two large ponytails at the back while the front is split and swept into uneven bangs highlighting her dyed hair.

You’re going to want to give this another read-thru and make sure you stay consistently within the past-tense. In general, and this is applicable advice across all forms of writing, repetition is sort of a cancer to effective communication. It stands out like a sore thumb and it’s easily tracked because it…comes up again. The first sentence of this paragraph is an immediate sort of alarm-ring in terms of flow issue because of the repetition. “Her outfit varies but generally varies”, you can simplify and streamline this. Try to break down your communication and logic linearly and follow the straight line logistically. Clarity, consistency and simplicity are our biggest allies tonally in writing these profiles.

Onto the biography!



Biography

Alyson Solace was born into wealthy parents William and Scarlett Solace as an only child.

Into is a bit of weird phrasing, I think ‘Alyson Solace was born eighteen years ago to wealthy parents, Scarlett and William Solace’ works a bit better and reads a bit smoother.

As a result, she was raised with no material struggles, though her parents made few accommodations to take care of her and maintained their business-heavy lifestyle, even leaving her home alone often. Thus, from a young age she felt somewhat distant from her parents, though no animosity initially.

This sentence reads very long. I think it can be split up and we can have one sentence for how her parents provide for her and another for how her parents neglect her. Similarly, the follow up sentence could be smoothed out and written to be clearer. Something like: “At an early age Alyson didn’t feel animus toward her family, but she has always felt distant.”

She lived in a large, high-class home in an affluent neighbourhood of Las Vegas, Silver Springs.

You’ll want to phrase this as ‘the affluent neighborhood of Las Vegas’ as opposed to ‘an’. I Americanized my grammar there because I’m American, but you don’t gotta. You can if you’d like to because you might be asked to do so in final apps for consistency. At this stage you’re good with the colour and the neighbourhoods.

As a very young child with few families nearby and no intervention from her parents, she was primarily raised by hired nannies as an infant, and even as a young child.

You can phrase this a bit smoother; the second part feels a bit stapled on and I think the sentence functions fine without it. But mostly, you just have to make sure it doesn’t read so clearly tacked on. I'm suspending my belief here, you have to think about every time you might bring it to the ground. You want to straddle the line between mystery and confusion and never lean toward confusion.

These usually involved her favourite fictional media, for example TV and film, and at an older age usually video games and internet comics and media, and often creating crafts and drawings for them.

A long sentence with a lot of ideas, we can split up both her interests in consumption and her interest in creation as two distinct ideas and sentences.

While this made her happy, she always yearned for connections with others her age, and when she did meet people she would always be overly eager, showing too much excitement and oversharing her interests, generally offputting them.

I think you can smooth this out and rephrase this to be more consistently past tense. But also and more prescient, it is off-putting.

Her parents took no investment in her passions, but obliged when she asked for almost anything they could purchase, seeing it as keeping her satiated. They later also gave her a copious allowance, letting her purchase essentially anything she wanted from her early school years, gathering a collection of merchandising, craft materials and clothing that fit her taste. With the freedom of materials she would enjoy constantly creating small craft projects, including basic stitching, beads, papercraft and similar. She would quickly accumulate small handmade trinkets and baubles even at a pre-schooling age, decorating her room and belongings with the things she loved.

You need to be more consistently past tense, the tense switching is very jarring. Reword and reframe this. Remember everything must be past tense. Sometimes you are too wordy for no real reason and I think that desire to sort of add that artistry or choice to your work messes up the tenses. Reign it in and simplify.

She eventually formed a connection with her most frequent nanny, others rotating in and out as available and so broadly remaining distant.

She doesn’t have a name? Once again in this paragraph, we have tense issues and so you will need to review and revise. Narratively, I think you need to treat this nanny with appropriate storybook weight rather than have her function as a narrative ‘yes and’. If she’s having this effect on Alyson, give her a name, make us the reader feel the connection deserves the weight. I know I suggested this and asked for addition like this in our previous round, don't make it read like it's only here because I asked.

Especially due to her relationship with her nanny, her attitude stuck, and she remained a bright and excitable young girl as she was admitted straight to an expensive, private elementary school for high performing students, her parents' expectations overwhelming to her.

Long sentence with a few different ideas, I think this is best split up. Also, I’ve said it before but I’m going to keep on saying it, be cognizant of the tense switches.

She would start to complain vocally to her parents, who eventually relented seeing her poor results, and sent her to a standard public school instead. Throughout middle and elementary school, she was finally able to form some friendly relationships for the first time in her life.

Why do these parents who think money solves everything think the solution is to put their struggling child in public school? This whole plotline writes you into a corner and I think is very much unnecessary. You need to think of a better reason to get Alyson in public school, whether that is rooted in refining this private school experience or cutting it out completely is up to you, but the way you’ve currently written this creates more questions than answers. We don’t want that in a profile.

While she found more satisfaction with this, she remained discontented, as the feeling that she wasn’t happy enough slowly crept into her. Without any younger experience or knowing how to maintain or open up to friendships, she found herself feeling out of place, or that her relationships were hollow and unfulfilling. Due to undiagnosed ADHD and autism, she also struggled in general through her classes, and was offered basic support and counselling, though none of it helped. Her specific symptoms went unrecognised, being more subtle than more standard cases and herself unable to recognise the root of her issues and so the specific support that would have helped wasn’t sought. Instead, she began to believe herself lazy and inept. Her stunted emotional maturity and neurodivergent tendencies only grew worse as she got older, and her emotional issues slowly deepened their roots, culminating in a blatant depressive disorder and insecurity issues. Trying to reach out to her parents, they offered little support, only coldly telling her to return to the school counseling or speak with a therapist, and chiding her for being unable to handle herself. They were willing and open to pay for this support, but expected her to organize and travel for appointments by herself, which she found herself unmotivated to do despite acknowledging to herself that it would likely be helpful.

You still are struggling with tense switches here, but more importantly, we need more thought and care here as there is an incongruence with the resources available and given to Alyson for hobbies and the neglect and struggle, she experiences for school. You need to rethink these parents who are willing to give their daughter anything but the time of the day. As you’ve written this, I feel like they’d simply put her in a boarding school abroad. They could wash their hands of Alyson very easily and outsource all her care and development. Why don’t we? You need to really ground this in reality. Less is more. It doesn’t need to be so zero-sum and black and white. But there is a blatant contradiction that stretches believability in these parents willing to give this girl everything she asks for in everything else, but nothing when it comes to legit struggle. It’s not working as you have it. This is more than just tense switches and rewriting, this is where you're going to have to put the most thought and reimagining.

She began to isolate herself, not completely alone but keeping all friends at arm’s length (instead of trying and failing to connect), while her mental state spiraled before stabilizing at a low point. She began to isolate herself, not completely alone but keeping all friends at arm’s length (instead of trying and failing to connect), while her mental state spiraled before stabilizing at a low point. Depressed, but with control over her emotions, repressing most of her extreme feelings leaving her with a quiet existential spite, towards the parents and world that failed her. She sank into her interests, spending a lot more time playing games as it was easier to tune out her thoughts, and waste away hours and hours than with video media. She would switch between a variety of games, struggling to stick to them most of the time, though becoming deeply fixated on any she didn’t bounce off of. Online anonymity kept her distant from expressing herself and from the people she spoke to, so she became ingrained in internet fan communities, finding it easier to relax her personality and speak with a little more freedom from herself to other anonymous fans. Her parents remained distant, disapproving of her direction and performance. They were willing to spend money as needed to correct her, but lacked sympathy and expected her to ultimately organize her needs on her own, with their money. Her lack of motivation prevented this and her attitude quickly became difficult, and so they were uninterested in forcefully correcting her or sending her away outright, as long as she wasn’t outwardly disruptive, essentially giving up on responsibly managing her behaviour.

Tense stuff and sort of long, winding sentences. Simplify and keep past tense. Once again, you need to rethink and reexamine how you’re depicting these parents logistically. You want your cake and to eat it too in terms of the neglect. Material availability is not the issue for Alyson, it’s emotional and familial availability. This is a girl who seems like she would have a legion of nannies, tutors and therapists—but not Mom and Dad. You need to strip this concept down to a believable and grounded core so she’s more character as opposed to caricature.

Beyond that, this paragraph is a journey. You can split this up and make it more digestible and focused. Just like every sentence should be one main idea, so should every paragraph grouping those sentences. Approach this profile not with an artistic eye, but an editorial one. You're plenty creative and that clearly comes natural to you, but right now we need a bit of control and clarity of vision to serve as a foundation for Alyson.

Despite the irony, she sustained her bright interests, and spending so much time alone, she began to focus more on her drawing.

Stick to past tense. You sort of switch tenses sometimes several times in a sentence, you need to be consistent here and consistently past tense.

Her allowance was cut down harshly due to her general defiance and the expectation for her to be responsible for herself, though she continued to disregard what her parents wanted from her, even stealing small sums from them if she needed. They would never notice with the wealth they had.

They’re insurance CEOs and not drug dealers, they wouldn’t have loose bills, it’d have to be a credit card they’re stealing and every transaction would be documented. This explanation is very hand-wavey and once again, you seeking to have this contradiction of this girl given everything but receiving nothing. It’s not working. I’d cut this angle out completely for Alyson and rethink what you’re trying to say here. It’s not coming off as real and is more coming off as contrived and designed to just make Alyson seem like a persistent victim of circumstance…but also capable of buying anything she could ever want or need. Think about this for a bit. You can't be Richie Rich and Oliver Twist.

She continued in this state, struggling to stay just above the requirements for schooling and keeping to herself, until meeting Ebony Lisabeth-Brooke. She immediately took a liking to Alyson, and despite Alyson’s resistance they begrudgingly grew closer.

More tense stuff, reread and revise and keep this in mind consistently. I would read this whole profile aloud as an editing thing and read it slowly. Go sentence by sentence with intentionality. Keep your sentences succinct, simple and, most importantly, past tense.

The tense stuff was persistent and so be particularly careful and focused there.

Overall, this version of the profile was an improvement and we have a solid enough base but are still in need of some refinement and revision. For grammar and readability, I’d focus on simplifying sentences and remaining in past-tense. For content and narration, you have to figure out how to handle her parents and resources better and I think this private school plotline should probably be cut as it’s not working. You need to strip Alyson to a core and really think of what you want out of her and what you’re trying to say. This girl currently given everything she wants but nothing she needs has legs, but she doesn’t make logistical and logical sense. Sharpen this sword and shine this medal, make Alyson the person gleam through the profile.



Advantages & Disadvantages

Alyson is deeply emotionally repressed, and so would compartmentalize most violence in her mind, remaining composed and relatively unburdened.

This is never intimated in the profile itself and reads a bit like ‘Has killed before and will kill again’, being able to compartmentalize is fine, but you cannot be sheltered and also open to violence consciously. Cut that. It doesn't make textual sense and serves to make Alyson read a bit like a pre-made player.

She relies heavily on the few emotional connections she holds closest, and as a result will strongly avoid potential conflict or grief between them and herself, to the extent of lashing out or avoiding favourable opportunities to cooperate if pushed.

Similarly, this just reads like being a human with valued relationships and not a real disadvantage. You have plenty to work with in terms of Alyson’s mental dysfunction in the profile, I’d go in that direction here.


And that’s it for this round! Hopefully things don’t take so long the next go ‘round, it will be my intention and goal to get your next edits ASAP. Alyson is getting my full attention for as long as she needs it. Once more, don’t hesitate to hit me up on board PM, Discord or via messenger pigeon if you need!

Thank you again for your patience, good luck and happy edits!