V8 BKA Meal Review

[Frozen Smoke]

Greetings, gastronomes and gourmands! It appears through some exceptional mistake, the AT have hired me as a food consultant for version 8 after the dressing down I gave them in V7, so prepare for me to serve these meals up just like your Dad would - burnt beyond recognition.

Day 1 - A hearty bowl of clam chowder paired with sourdough bread with butter and a piping thermos of hot cocoa

My dislike of seafood stews and soups is as vast as the oceans from which the ingredients are dredged up from, but even I will have to admit that clam chowder would brighten my day up after a day spent in the cold murdering my fellow man, and along with that cup of cocoa it’d feel like a warm hug - the sourdough bread and butter is a nice touch too, adding some bulk to a very rich meal, although vigorous exercise right after it would certainly not be advised. A shame Betty didn’t sit down to enjoy it, really, would have helped simmer down that whole ‘self-doubt’ thing real quick!

Grade: B+

Day 2 - Lobster roll with slaw and a pitcher of Samuel Adams

CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

*ahem*

Y’know, Josh, some people don’t even like it when people watch them eat - but at least we know that isn’t a concern for you. The meal itself is another slam-dunk comfort food win for the AT, hitting that fried meat + bread + sauce combo that has kept humans happy since the dawn of time. It is a little bland without something as a side, and the pairing of a lager instead of a more traditional light beer (although I’ve not personally tried Samuel Adams) knocks a few marks off, but I’m picking nits here.

Grade: B

Day 3 - Two all-beef ballpark hotdogs fully dressed in ketchup, mustard and relish along with a side of Boston style baked beans and a bottle of Cola

Okay, so clearly the cook was busy this day and the intern was put in charge of making a meal that day, so I’m going to try and be kind - but what the actual fuck man. If ketchup, mustard and relish is considered ‘fully dressed’ by Danya, I fear for the eyes of everyone around him because his definition of those words has long since diverged from the rest of the human population - where’s the crispy onions? The jalapenos? The rainbow slaw? Plus, all that dressing is doing is covering up the (lack of) flavor in the shitty mass produced hotdog meat, it’s like putting perfume on a rotting fish.

Baked beans are also basically the palate equivalent to purgatory, no matter what side of the Atlantic Ocean you happen to live on, and how in the hell was Kitty supposed to eat them, on their own? Bland and textureless. Dip the hotdog into it? Now you’ve got bean juice all over your nice bloodstained hoodie, gross!

At least the cola will wash all those confused flavors away, and give you enough of a sugar high to run the fuck away from this classic culinary warcrime.

Grade: D+

Day 4 - A traditional yankee pot roast with mint tea and 3 Dunkin' Donut donuts

Now this one I have to admit is much more adventurous in the flavours it’s trying to bring together, but in what seems like an odd assortment - traditional savoury, sophisticated calmness and comforting sweet. Perhaps our chef was a little hungover after their break, and decided to just throw something together with whatever was closest to hand and then go back to bed - I would too after seeing how badly the intern screwed it up whilst I was gone.

There’s nothing quite as hearty as a good pot roast, with the natural meat stock infusing the vegetables and starches and thickening what otherwise might risk being an insipidly thin gravy, and providing a heterogeneous texture. That’s a big win no matter where you are, but on death island, those long chain carbs are probably going to keep you going for the rest of your (most likely short) life. Mint tea is a favourite of mine too, a refreshing and calming beverage that’s excellent for digestion - even if it is most likely from bagged tea as opposed to fresh leaves, which will only provide a hint of menthol and a whole lot of dissapointmint. Finally, donuts, what do I really have to say? Donuts are one of the most universally beloved foods around the world, and almost every culture has their equivalent.

The problems come in ordering how you’d try and eat the meal, as you can’t really drink the tea alongside eating the pot roast or donuts without having the other tastes drown in the post-menthol malaise - nor can you eat the pot roast with the donuts simultaneously, unless you’re an absolute madman and can trick yourself into thinking they’re unusually large and sweet dumplings.

All-in-all, whilst not a bad meal, it’s probably for the best that Lillian skipped out on trying to figure this puzzle out.

Grade: C

Day 5 - Roast beef sandwich, vinegar chips, a Boston cream pie, and ginger ale

Ah, another excellent entry from the illustrious fried meat + bread + sauce crew, but this time with fun and interesting additions! If this was presented to me, I’d be putting those chips right in that sandwich for a bit of extra CRONCH and acidity to help brighten up the meat, but I do come from the land of food crimes. Either way, it seems like Salem rightfully enjoyed it regardless.

Plus, despite sounding like something that I’d have to look up on Urban Dictionary, the Boston cream pie does sound very nice. Ultimately I’ll have to reserve judgment, as this isn’t something I’ve had the delight of trying yet. Having a dessert is always a bonus for any meal though, and both parts are excellently paired with a nice glass of ginger ale, which add some much needed effervescence to what is otherwise a meal that relies on richness over any particular taste or texture.

Grade: C+

[backslash]

I've waited so long for this day.

[VoltTurtle]

A+ reviews, love the humor in these.