((Prii continued from Guilt))
The three of them moved along the trail together. The announcements had put paid to the idea of a reunion with Mariya, and Prii was struggling to let that go. It seemed so wrong that they lost their chance so soon, and even this far after the fact, it all kept spinning in their head. Made them wonder.
They kept thinking that at least they were a three again, but that still seemed a bit disrespectful. Perhaps they should have stuck with the debate team after all. Neither of them had killed anyone.
The girl was tiny, with long brown hair, a miserable expression, and blood all over her.
They managed to establish that she was only a little injured, thankfully, and then she dropped the bombshell that she had fought off and killed in self defence.
Heavy. Like all the air was sucked out of their surroundings. Prii didn't know which was worse. The act, or that it'd been necessary.
Amy seemed alright with her. Prii didn't want to just leave her by the wayside. Didn't leave much of a choice, did it? They had to offer she join them.
"I'm Mandy," she said. "Thank you."
Prii glanced at the others. "Holding up alright? We've been walking a while."
Weekly Despair Magazine
death death death
"Hey," Amy said to the girl, at first. "Do you need new clothes? You can have my jacket!"
Mandy was nice. She didn't really know how nice someone could be in this situation, but she felt really, really bad for her. She couldn't imagine killing someone. Life is so... precious? Inconcievable? Terrifying and miraculous and beautiful in an eldrich, incomprehensible way? A miracle of our dendrites and our axons and our neuroreceptors all forming, evolving after millions of years of nature, just so that we can love and cry and be cruel?
Whatever. She was thinking about it a lot. Mandy hadn't creeped her out the way Josh did, or shot at her like when she first met Prii and they saved her, and that's... pretty nice in her book? Some broken off shard of what was once self awareness told her to raise her standards, but she'd like to call herself a realist, and her standards were lowered appropriately, thank you very much.
It took a moment for the question to register. "It's cold," she offered- not really an observation worth mentioning.
There was no way for her to voice the true scale of her discomfort. No way for her to talk about the numbness of her toes and the constriction and tightness of her vest an the weight of the pack on her shoulders. It wasn't even pain anymore. It was something a little more profound than that. She neeed to have a name. No words popped into her head, and she wished she had a dictionary right now.
Back in Aecor, the photosynthetic sea-rocks could be used as hand warmers; you can take them, put them in a bag, and three years later they'd heat up in your palm just like the day you took them. That'll be a nice thing to have, in the real world. Or maybe boots woven in with microscopic creatures that breathe hot air on the inside with their chemical reactions as long as you fed them enough sugar.
Most of her brain was filled with things that aren't real, now. It was less painful this way. The inside of her mind hurts less, and she never wanted to come out again.
Mandy was nice. She didn't really know how nice someone could be in this situation, but she felt really, really bad for her. She couldn't imagine killing someone. Life is so... precious? Inconcievable? Terrifying and miraculous and beautiful in an eldrich, incomprehensible way? A miracle of our dendrites and our axons and our neuroreceptors all forming, evolving after millions of years of nature, just so that we can love and cry and be cruel?
Whatever. She was thinking about it a lot. Mandy hadn't creeped her out the way Josh did, or shot at her like when she first met Prii and they saved her, and that's... pretty nice in her book? Some broken off shard of what was once self awareness told her to raise her standards, but she'd like to call herself a realist, and her standards were lowered appropriately, thank you very much.
It took a moment for the question to register. "It's cold," she offered- not really an observation worth mentioning.
There was no way for her to voice the true scale of her discomfort. No way for her to talk about the numbness of her toes and the constriction and tightness of her vest an the weight of the pack on her shoulders. It wasn't even pain anymore. It was something a little more profound than that. She neeed to have a name. No words popped into her head, and she wished she had a dictionary right now.
Back in Aecor, the photosynthetic sea-rocks could be used as hand warmers; you can take them, put them in a bag, and three years later they'd heat up in your palm just like the day you took them. That'll be a nice thing to have, in the real world. Or maybe boots woven in with microscopic creatures that breathe hot air on the inside with their chemical reactions as long as you fed them enough sugar.
Most of her brain was filled with things that aren't real, now. It was less painful this way. The inside of her mind hurts less, and she never wanted to come out again.
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
"I...I'm fine."
[[Cut to "Mandy Williams," hugging herself as she walks.]]
She'd almost said she'd felt worse. It was the truth, but saying it would probably just upset them all.
She needed it to be nice. Just for a little bit longer, she'd keep it nice.
"My name's Amy."
"And I'm Prii."
There was an inquisitive look in their eyes. A question they were leaving unsaid, but clear.
She wouldn't be making the same mistake twice.
Her gaze went from the asphalt to the...not boy, not girl, enby? Was that a stupid thing to calm them at such a serious time? It didn't matter. She looked at them instead of the road now.
"What about you? Are feeling okay?"
Probably not. But it was only polite to ask, wasn't it?
[[Cut to "Mandy Williams," hugging herself as she walks.]]
She'd almost said she'd felt worse. It was the truth, but saying it would probably just upset them all.
She needed it to be nice. Just for a little bit longer, she'd keep it nice.
"My name's Amy."
"And I'm Prii."
There was an inquisitive look in their eyes. A question they were leaving unsaid, but clear.
She wouldn't be making the same mistake twice.
Her gaze went from the asphalt to the...not boy, not girl, enby? Was that a stupid thing to calm them at such a serious time? It didn't matter. She looked at them instead of the road now.
"What about you? Are feeling okay?"
Probably not. But it was only polite to ask, wasn't it?
Whar happened? That was the question Prii felt they should ask and couldn't bring themself to speak. It gnawed at them uncomfortably.
They didn't know how they could possibly broach the topic. How could they drag a dreadful experience back into the light like that? People would get upset and it would just turn into a confrontration. Prii didn't think they could handle an argument just now.
Instead they just kept it to themself and let the gnawing continue. Mandy was familiar, somehow, and a little more than just having seen her face at school.
They couldn't place the feeling.
Prii shot Amy a sympathetic smile when she commented on the chill. Maybe they should offer their own coat, they'd have a little trading circle going. On the other hand they were much taller than Amy, so the fit would be terrible.
Mandy returned their question. Ah, heck, how to answer that? Truthfully, their concern about what Mandy did—what happened to Mandy—was secondary to another set of teeth chewing away at them. Amy's encounter back at that office. The knowledge that not only had Josh killed before then, but had also gone on to kill Mariya, the very person they had an eye out for.
Amy had been alone with him. At his nonexistent mercy. What was it that Amy had done, or hadn't done, that convinced him not to kill her? Why had he chosen to murder Mariya, but spare Amy? Prii couldn't stomach the idea that it was just a whim, and yet they couldn't think of an explanation that fit. He was out of there in seconds when Prii made their presence known, but he'd been with Amy for more than long enough to kill her if he wanted.
Both of their original companions met the same person. Amy was alive. Mariya wasn't. Prii didn't understand why.
They'd gone quiet for a few seconds, they realised. They topped their smile back up and sent it Mandy's way. "I'll be better once we make it down this road. It'll be good to get warmed up." They glanced to Amy again. "You can wear my sweater if you'd like?"
They didn't know how they could possibly broach the topic. How could they drag a dreadful experience back into the light like that? People would get upset and it would just turn into a confrontration. Prii didn't think they could handle an argument just now.
Instead they just kept it to themself and let the gnawing continue. Mandy was familiar, somehow, and a little more than just having seen her face at school.
They couldn't place the feeling.
Prii shot Amy a sympathetic smile when she commented on the chill. Maybe they should offer their own coat, they'd have a little trading circle going. On the other hand they were much taller than Amy, so the fit would be terrible.
Mandy returned their question. Ah, heck, how to answer that? Truthfully, their concern about what Mandy did—what happened to Mandy—was secondary to another set of teeth chewing away at them. Amy's encounter back at that office. The knowledge that not only had Josh killed before then, but had also gone on to kill Mariya, the very person they had an eye out for.
Amy had been alone with him. At his nonexistent mercy. What was it that Amy had done, or hadn't done, that convinced him not to kill her? Why had he chosen to murder Mariya, but spare Amy? Prii couldn't stomach the idea that it was just a whim, and yet they couldn't think of an explanation that fit. He was out of there in seconds when Prii made their presence known, but he'd been with Amy for more than long enough to kill her if he wanted.
Both of their original companions met the same person. Amy was alive. Mariya wasn't. Prii didn't understand why.
They'd gone quiet for a few seconds, they realised. They topped their smile back up and sent it Mandy's way. "I'll be better once we make it down this road. It'll be good to get warmed up." They glanced to Amy again. "You can wear my sweater if you'd like?"
Amy wasn't pondering these deep philosophical questions.
She was, instead, pulling at caked blood on Mandy's jacket. Her jacket, now. She had an extra layer already, so it was a little less uncomfortable, and all the sanguine red didn't sink into the layers below.
She wished that she was a little more sociable, so that she could've met the two of her new best friends before... Everything. To be in tune with them, to know about their interests and hobbies and families and aspirations and dreams.
That would've made it sting more, though.
Maria, wait, no, Mariya, was dead. And then she was not. She talked to her, shared stuff with her, and thought that they were friends. Amy was honestly a little confused, maybe even indignant, at the thought of her just... ditching the squad. Like they had a whole thing going on, and she just left. Amy had stewed a little in that anger, and all the while the girl was dead. Maybe she did still ditch them, but it felt weird now to speak or think ill of the dead. Passing away feels like it should be a veil from criticism. Shame that most people thought that it invited it instead.
She was, instead, pulling at caked blood on Mandy's jacket. Her jacket, now. She had an extra layer already, so it was a little less uncomfortable, and all the sanguine red didn't sink into the layers below.
She wished that she was a little more sociable, so that she could've met the two of her new best friends before... Everything. To be in tune with them, to know about their interests and hobbies and families and aspirations and dreams.
That would've made it sting more, though.
Maria, wait, no, Mariya, was dead. And then she was not. She talked to her, shared stuff with her, and thought that they were friends. Amy was honestly a little confused, maybe even indignant, at the thought of her just... ditching the squad. Like they had a whole thing going on, and she just left. Amy had stewed a little in that anger, and all the while the girl was dead. Maybe she did still ditch them, but it felt weird now to speak or think ill of the dead. Passing away feels like it should be a veil from criticism. Shame that most people thought that it invited it instead.
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
This was third jacket she had worn on the island. She wasn't sure if it would be her last or not.
She had put up a small fuss about switching at first. One main reason, but she also wasn't sure it went with her outfit that well. She was able to get over them both pretty quickly though, so it wasn't that big a deal.
She dug her nails into her right hand to drive away the thought of scratching the bandages again. The cuts were bad enough on their own. She didn't need to make them worse. She just hoped it didn't scar.
Prii gave her a smile. She gave a small one back.
"Alright."
She glanced at Amy. Was the girl okay? She was starting to wonder if she was losing it. Not that she could blame the other girl. It was just something to note for later.
Her eyes went forward again, but caught on something. It was...purple-y? Red purple? Maroon, that's the color.
Though the surrounding red didn't help with clarification.
"Oh, God..."
Who had they just found?
She had put up a small fuss about switching at first. One main reason, but she also wasn't sure it went with her outfit that well. She was able to get over them both pretty quickly though, so it wasn't that big a deal.
She dug her nails into her right hand to drive away the thought of scratching the bandages again. The cuts were bad enough on their own. She didn't need to make them worse. She just hoped it didn't scar.
Prii gave her a smile. She gave a small one back.
"Alright."
She glanced at Amy. Was the girl okay? She was starting to wonder if she was losing it. Not that she could blame the other girl. It was just something to note for later.
Her eyes went forward again, but caught on something. It was...purple-y? Red purple? Maroon, that's the color.
Though the surrounding red didn't help with clarification.
"Oh, God..."
Who had they just found?
Amy seemed preoccupied with the bloodstains on Mandy's jacket, which made Prii feel even more that they should ensure she had something else. They drew up to a halt, shrugged off their pack, the coat, and had the sweater vest off in a trice. Almost as swiftly, Prii replaced everything. With just a couple of short seconds, the cold had already started to bite. No thank you. They drew their coat closed. Prii stepped over to Amy, holding the vest out with a smile.
Mandy spoke. Prii looked around instinctively, and felt a far different chill.
The first glance was bad enough. The second punched a hole through their gut.
"Mariya, no..."
This was where she'd been all this time.
Prii's vest slid out of their hand and they took a few dreamlike steps forward. They shouldn't. Seeing wouldn't help. They knew it wouldn't help.
Just... she deserved better than that. So, so much better.
"Ah, heck, Mariya..." Prii turned their face away from Amy, Mandy... her. They needed a second.
Mandy spoke. Prii looked around instinctively, and felt a far different chill.
The first glance was bad enough. The second punched a hole through their gut.
"Mariya, no..."
This was where she'd been all this time.
Prii's vest slid out of their hand and they took a few dreamlike steps forward. They shouldn't. Seeing wouldn't help. They knew it wouldn't help.
Just... she deserved better than that. So, so much better.
"Ah, heck, Mariya..." Prii turned their face away from Amy, Mandy... her. They needed a second.
The weirdest part is that the body was stunningly well preserved. Given the temperature and the recent nature of her death, it makes sense, but that didn't make it any less unexpected.
Amy heard a lot of cliches. "It's just like if she were sleeping, if not for XYZ" or something like that. But it didn't. The violence was undeniable. The blood stank. The air was palpable in its sharpness. Like death imprinted itself onto the earth and nothing Amy made up in her mind would scrub it off.
She was alive the last time they met and now she was not. It was a simple, logical process that she couldn't wrap her head around. Death is violating, emotionally, physically, and even to the law of physics. Where does all the memory go? The soul, the personhood, the life? Surely it must be something. Surely it must be conserved, right?
She picked bent down, kept her eyes low to the vest, and picked up what Prii discarded. Her eyes never met Mariya's flesh throughout the process. Having something to do made the indescribable signals in her brain fall back.
"Hey," she turned to Mandy. "Do you... Want this?" She had a vest, already. She didn't need another one. She didn't want her attention to be pulled back to Mariya.
Amy heard a lot of cliches. "It's just like if she were sleeping, if not for XYZ" or something like that. But it didn't. The violence was undeniable. The blood stank. The air was palpable in its sharpness. Like death imprinted itself onto the earth and nothing Amy made up in her mind would scrub it off.
She was alive the last time they met and now she was not. It was a simple, logical process that she couldn't wrap her head around. Death is violating, emotionally, physically, and even to the law of physics. Where does all the memory go? The soul, the personhood, the life? Surely it must be something. Surely it must be conserved, right?
She picked bent down, kept her eyes low to the vest, and picked up what Prii discarded. Her eyes never met Mariya's flesh throughout the process. Having something to do made the indescribable signals in her brain fall back.
"Hey," she turned to Mandy. "Do you... Want this?" She had a vest, already. She didn't need another one. She didn't want her attention to be pulled back to Mariya.
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
Oh. They found the friend of the other two.
That's...something.
Prii turned away from the sight, and she took a few steps closer to them. Hands in pockets, feeling some agreement over not wanting to see the other girl like this.
She didn't know her, but death was death. It was never pretty. Never something you wanted to look at.
Sometimes, though. Sometimes you had to.
Amy asked her a question. She could give an answer, still.
"No thanks."
She didn't look at the other girl as she spoke.
"I don't think I deserve it."
The knife was small. Easy to hide. In a pocket. Up a sleeve. It wasn't hard to keep out of sight.
Prii had a gun. They weren't looking at her. One big target, just waiting for her.
Finally, Jezzie struck.
That's...something.
Prii turned away from the sight, and she took a few steps closer to them. Hands in pockets, feeling some agreement over not wanting to see the other girl like this.
She didn't know her, but death was death. It was never pretty. Never something you wanted to look at.
Sometimes, though. Sometimes you had to.
Amy asked her a question. She could give an answer, still.
"No thanks."
She didn't look at the other girl as she spoke.
"I don't think I deserve it."
The knife was small. Easy to hide. In a pocket. Up a sleeve. It wasn't hard to keep out of sight.
Prii had a gun. They weren't looking at her. One big target, just waiting for her.
Finally, Jezzie struck.
Prii knew the... body would be out there somewhere. Running across it... her, like this, though?
God. Getting shot like that. There was a crater in place of Mariya's torso. Had Josh just decided to do this, but not to Amy?
They wanted so badly for it to make sense, but maybe attempting to find logic in something like this was a fool's errand.
Leaving Mariya like this wasn't right. They needed to say a few words, or something. Discomfort or no.
"We should—"
A heavy, wet thunk. Prii stumbled. Something ripped out of their back as they did.
Suddenly clumsy, Prii tried to retain balance, but lost their footing, falling onto their side. Their back screamed. They just—had they just got stabbed?
They blinked rapidly. They, what just—
Someone loomed over them, a small blade in hand, dripping blood.
Mandy.
God. Getting shot like that. There was a crater in place of Mariya's torso. Had Josh just decided to do this, but not to Amy?
They wanted so badly for it to make sense, but maybe attempting to find logic in something like this was a fool's errand.
Leaving Mariya like this wasn't right. They needed to say a few words, or something. Discomfort or no.
"We should—"
A heavy, wet thunk. Prii stumbled. Something ripped out of their back as they did.
Suddenly clumsy, Prii tried to retain balance, but lost their footing, falling onto their side. Their back screamed. They just—had they just got stabbed?
They blinked rapidly. They, what just—
Someone loomed over them, a small blade in hand, dripping blood.
Mandy.
Amy hugged Mandy. Her hands sunk in to what was once her own jacket as she wrapped her arms around the girl, arms locked around her waist. It was almost affectionate.
With all her nonexistent, feeble strength, she tried to pull the girl back.
With all her nonexistent, feeble strength, she tried to pull the girl back.
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
She had to do it. There was no point in arguing anymore. People would die. The cycle would never end. It didn't matter who did the killing, because it would just happen anyway. It was no use fighting.
All that could be done was make sure it wasn't her. And so she would.
She didn't know how they didn't know her, but she didn't question it. Another role to take when she needed one.
One moment. Just one moment was all she had needed.
And Mariya was that moment.
The knife slid out just as easily as it slid in.
Then someone was on her. Not like June had been. She was...hugging her?
Oh, Amy. Bleeding hearts only bleed out.
Jezzie turned to the other girl.
Her face betrayed no emotion as she swiped at her.
Not the best angle, but maybe she could still nick a lung. If she's lucky.
All that could be done was make sure it wasn't her. And so she would.
She didn't know how they didn't know her, but she didn't question it. Another role to take when she needed one.
One moment. Just one moment was all she had needed.
And Mariya was that moment.
The knife slid out just as easily as it slid in.
Then someone was on her. Not like June had been. She was...hugging her?
Oh, Amy. Bleeding hearts only bleed out.
Jezzie turned to the other girl.
Her face betrayed no emotion as she swiped at her.
Not the best angle, but maybe she could still nick a lung. If she's lucky.
Why... why was this...?
Amy. Amy was trying to help. Mandy—was that even her name? Maybe the lie ran much deeper—was already swiping at her.
They had to—shifting caused them to choke out a cry.
They'd fumbled their gun. Couldn't spare the motion to look around for it.
Prii gritted their teeth.
With a strangled noise of pain, they lunged at Mandy's leg and grappled on tight.
"Amy! Run!"
Amy. Amy was trying to help. Mandy—was that even her name? Maybe the lie ran much deeper—was already swiping at her.
They had to—shifting caused them to choke out a cry.
They'd fumbled their gun. Couldn't spare the motion to look around for it.
Prii gritted their teeth.
With a strangled noise of pain, they lunged at Mandy's leg and grappled on tight.
"Amy! Run!"
"Mandy," she muttered, leaning over the girl a little, feeling her small and wriggling in her arms, escaping her embrace. One hand reached to grab at her knife. Maybe she'll calm down if Amy smiled a little, talked more gently? It felt foreign on her face, but she tried it anyways
"Hey. Hey, Mandy, please. Stop."
Like soothing a baby deer, except it had a knife and also just tried to stab your friend. She tried, anyway. She failed, when the blade swiped towards her.
It sank in a little, tore a new path through two layers of clothing. None of it bled, and nor did it hurt.
Amy looked down at her own chest, where a wound should be tearing through. The impact made her wobbly, a little. She took a step back. Why wasn't she bleeding, wait, she must've forgotten something…
Tired, fearful eyes locked onto Mandy's. Her hand reached out to stop her, like it was inviting the sharp kiss of metal.
She felt colossal and vulnerable and heroic and scared, all at once, and some part of her wants to get back to the vest she offered. She felt like a dumb little animal, who couldn't comprehend the full implications of what was happening to her right now. Details flew by, and she couldn't grasp them. She didn't know what to do, but that's alright.
Prii had alread made that decision for her.
She took that excuse to be selfish, and she ran with it. Where was the gun? Don't know. How to stop Mandy? Don't care. She took a deep breath and she picked up her things and she turned around and-
Only took one step back.
She still could solve this. She still could make it all OK. If she had enough time. She turned around again and looked at the scene. Really looked at it, the details and everything. Seeing someone get hurt felt different. It wasn't at all like how she imagined it to be. Suddenly, she wished she were one of her own characters instead, infinitely more resilient.
"Stop," she said again, ineffectively, her facial muscles far beyond her control.
"Hey. Hey, Mandy, please. Stop."
Like soothing a baby deer, except it had a knife and also just tried to stab your friend. She tried, anyway. She failed, when the blade swiped towards her.
It sank in a little, tore a new path through two layers of clothing. None of it bled, and nor did it hurt.
Amy looked down at her own chest, where a wound should be tearing through. The impact made her wobbly, a little. She took a step back. Why wasn't she bleeding, wait, she must've forgotten something…
Tired, fearful eyes locked onto Mandy's. Her hand reached out to stop her, like it was inviting the sharp kiss of metal.
She felt colossal and vulnerable and heroic and scared, all at once, and some part of her wants to get back to the vest she offered. She felt like a dumb little animal, who couldn't comprehend the full implications of what was happening to her right now. Details flew by, and she couldn't grasp them. She didn't know what to do, but that's alright.
Prii had alread made that decision for her.
She took that excuse to be selfish, and she ran with it. Where was the gun? Don't know. How to stop Mandy? Don't care. She took a deep breath and she picked up her things and she turned around and-
Only took one step back.
She still could solve this. She still could make it all OK. If she had enough time. She turned around again and looked at the scene. Really looked at it, the details and everything. Seeing someone get hurt felt different. It wasn't at all like how she imagined it to be. Suddenly, she wished she were one of her own characters instead, infinitely more resilient.
"Stop," she said again, ineffectively, her facial muscles far beyond her control.
Blood Tongue Nails Teeth
...what?
Jezzie's hit connected, but Amy didn't bleed?
Did she miss the blood squibs? No, those were for gunshots. Still, there should've been something. Why was there nothing? Why wasn't Amy on the ground, bleeding out next to Prii? Why was she still standing like nothing was wrong? What was the black thing under the cu
Oh fuck shit
Prii was still alive, and they were making it her problem. She couldn't help the squeak as her legs bent from the contact. Nearly sent her down, but not quite. Still fucked her over, even if only a little bit.
The knife wasn't in her hand anymore. Was it in the snow? One of the cracks of the asphalt?
Fuck it, she didn't have time to search. Back to improv.
One hand zipped open the bag. The other reached for a handle.
It found Calvin's present to her.
Amy said something, and this time Jezzie couldn't hold back the snarl.
"Will both of you just-"
The scythe was above her head.
"Fuck off already!"
Once more, Jezzie drove a blade into Prii.
It wouldn't be the last time.
Jezzie's hit connected, but Amy didn't bleed?
Did she miss the blood squibs? No, those were for gunshots. Still, there should've been something. Why was there nothing? Why wasn't Amy on the ground, bleeding out next to Prii? Why was she still standing like nothing was wrong? What was the black thing under the cu
Oh fuck shit
Prii was still alive, and they were making it her problem. She couldn't help the squeak as her legs bent from the contact. Nearly sent her down, but not quite. Still fucked her over, even if only a little bit.
The knife wasn't in her hand anymore. Was it in the snow? One of the cracks of the asphalt?
Fuck it, she didn't have time to search. Back to improv.
One hand zipped open the bag. The other reached for a handle.
It found Calvin's present to her.
Amy said something, and this time Jezzie couldn't hold back the snarl.
"Will both of you just-"
The scythe was above her head.
"Fuck off already!"
Once more, Jezzie drove a blade into Prii.
It wouldn't be the last time.