Rita Schnell

[JacobAllTradez]

Name: Rita Elene Schnell
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Southwest Red Rock High School
Hobbies and Interests: Acting, dancing, throwing extravagant parties, professional wrestling

Appearance: Rita stands at 5’7” and weighs 140 lbs. Rita is a German-American with smooth, glossy, fair, light skin with no blemishes or freckles to speak of. She has a pointed chin and heart-shaped head, almond-shaped eyes and brown irises with waist-length light brown hair. She has an hourglass figure, complete with an ample chest and round hips, and is complimented by a highly animated face, perfect for acting and reactions. Her voice is light, warm and high-pitched.

Rita’s fashion sense varies depending on the circumstance. For normal occasions, Rita will dress in ways that are fashionable, including tank tops, midriffs, mini skirts, or jeans, complete with boots. On formal occasions, however, Rita will dress to the nines, often wearing the most glamorous dresses and gowns she can find along with whatever earrings and necklaces she may have on. On the day of the abduction, Rita was wearing a beige midriff camisole sweater, a golden high-neck bra, a white miniskirt, and black boots from Unique Vintage.

Biography: Rita Schnell was born in Las Vegas, Nevada, to a family of four, the middle child of Susanna Schnell and Luther Schnell, a locally known librarian and stage actor in that order. They would first meet in the library Susanna worked for and quickly clicked. As time passed, Luther's career flourished thanks to several breakout roles. At the same time, their stock portfolio would reach a high point, giving them just cause to buy a nice house not far from the library.

Growing up, Rita would make waves as a precocious, excitable, imaginative child with an endless abundance of optimism, becoming a social butterfly of the highest order. She was especially social with her brothers, Marcus and Nicholas, as her brothers helped spark her interest in acting and dance after she saw her father on stage. Wanting to follow in her father's footsteps, Rita often got her brothers together after school and put on plays for her parents, usually with Rita as the conquering hero. They weren't the prettiest, but they were a lot of fun and helped further her bond with her brothers. This love for acting also played a role in Rita growing interested in dance, as for one play, Rita had the role of a young ballerina. Initially untrained, Rita found the dance to be beautiful when done right, seeking out ballet lessons so she could nail the part.

Rita has an immense amount of empathy, giving warm hugs to anyone who needs them. Rita's energy also spread toward others once she started school even showing signs of being a strong, independent, and capable leader. Academically, Rita excelled in school, maintaining an A/B average, receiving particularly high remarks for English.

When Rita entered her pre-teen years and her brothers found their footing in the world, Rita would take it upon herself to nurture Alexander, her youngest brother, and would do her best to instill the same level of excitement she had towards her interests, even helping young Alexander put on a play of his own. One night, however, with Alexander stuck at home with the flu, Rita took it upon herself to make him feel better, so when she saw him in his room cheering as best he could, she grew curious. As it turned out, Alexander was a fan of the WWE and professional wrestling in general, inviting Rita to come watch with her. Like with acting, Rita was starstruck over the pomp and circumstance of the industry, finding similarities between both. The two would make Mondays, Fridays and occasionally Sundays, prime days to watch wrestling shows.

Life was going great for Rita. She had built a solid reputation in the community theatre world, receiving praise for her dance skills, had a large and impressive group of friends who she'd often meet with during or after school and was living high on her family's wealth. Sometime after her 13th birthday, however, disaster struck. During rehearsal for a new musical, Luther would land awkwardly on his right knee, tearing his ACL. With Luther out of commission, the family took a massive income hit and with her private school's tuition being as expensive as it was, it meant Rita had to transfer out, leaving behind her friends in the process. They wouldn't have to wait long, enrolling Rita in Red Rock High School upon hearing of their arts program, particularly the theatre club.

Rita quickly made her presence felt, signing up for the Theatre Club and Dance Club, showing an impressive level of work-ethic in both fields. For the theater club, she would put up set pieces, gather up scripts, help students rehearse lines and even take charge for group activities. She also proved to be a capable actress herself, taking the lead role in a few shows. In the dance club, Rita often gassed her fellow dancers up, getting them excited and even attempted a bit of choreography. All over school, word over Rita's talent, leadership and personality grew, with teachers in particular taking joy in tutoring her. She maintains a strong A/B report card, particularly in English, where she finds it easy to comprehend concepts and ideas given in a text.

Beyond that, Rita became known for throwing eclectic and exciting house parties whenever her parents were away, serving as an opportunity for Rita to mingle with her fellow students, while showing off her talents in a more intricate environment. They would also be known for the menial things that were celebrated, such as her first boyfriend, getting straight As on her report card, even telling off that one girl for being too annoying, as Rita felt a need to celebrate her accomplishments no matter how big or small they were.

This attitude regarding her parties revealed cracks in her spirited personality, as Rita’s parents never introduced her to the less fortunate. While they would often donate and help those in need, Rita developed a passive, and at times, dismissive attitude regarding the working class. She would often respond to their problems with money by flippantly suggesting they get a job if they want to be happy. She is unaware that this is something far easier said than done, and that both them and their parents may already have jobs that aren't paying them enough. Rita also believes that she alone can solve everyone’s problems, and while she remains a capable leader, this stubborn belief makes her hesitate to give up the reins for anything, especially when she sets her mind on something.

Rita's attitude also permeates into how she feels about herself. Very assured regarding her appearance, Rita will look for any opportunity to flaunt herself, often throwing herself towards guys if she thinks they've shown affection to her. This has led to a very unstable love life as Rita has dated multiple boys in school, but ultimately not come away with a long term relationship. Rita can also be childish at times and is prone to throwing hissy fits when she feels she’s being ignored or not getting her way. Some of this is premeditated, as Rita uses her acting skills to exaggerate how she truly feels. Other times, however, it’s genuine disappointment and anger. Most of her peers are aware that when this happens, it’s best to let her get what she wants or wait until she tires herself out. Perhaps most concerning is Rita's idealistic view on life, being steadfast in the belief that her life will work exactly as she feels it will, and if anything goes wrong or isn't in place, the fault lies on someone else. This has led some of her closest friends to worry about what might happen if Rita faces a serious setback.

Rita’s relationship with her family remains strong, particularly with her parents, Luther and Susanna, who do everything they can to support their daughter in her efforts. Luther especially is proud of the actress she's become and her willingness to keep this part of the family alive, especially since he plans to retire at the age of 70. Rita and Susanna go over scripts and books together, sharing their favorite works and discussing what makes them unique. While her connection with her older brothers, Marcus and Nicholas, aren't as strong as they once were, thanks mainly to them becoming professional actors themselves, they still keep in touch and occasionally attend each others' performances. The sibling Rita is closest to at this point is Alexander, as the two continue to watch professional wrestling in Alexander's room, having a blast with each match and story that comes through.

With her family's income stabilized, Rita plans to attend a prestigious college with a strong fine arts program before becoming a professional actress herself, looking to be the first in her family to make it in Hollywood. She also hopes to finally find a man to settle with, someone who loves her and will lavish her with the praise and the affection she covets. In the meantime, however, she plans to continue supporting her parents and Alexander wherever possible.

Advantages: Rita's self-confidence and optimism radiates onto others, helping her build connections that stick for a long time. Rita is a solid leader who can manipulate situations in her favor with her acting skills. Due to her experiences in dancing, Rita has a good sense of balance and moves gracefully.
Disadvantages: Rita's idealistic, overly optimistic lifestyle can cause Rita to engage in toxic positivity, which can be grating to her peers. Her tendency to be stubborn and throw tantrums to get her way may irritate potential allies.

[Deamon]

Hey there Jacob! We're excited to see you entering V9 of SOTF. Before we can give you a full critique though, your profile for Rita needs to fully adhere to the template. Currently, you have an extra line break between the Advantages and Disadvantages section. Fix this, and someone will be able to get to Rita to give her a proper critique shortly!

[JacobAllTradez]

Hey there Jacob! We're excited to see you entering V9 of SOTF. Before we can give you a full critique though, your profile for Rita needs to fully adhere to the template. Currently, you have an extra line break between the Advantages and Disadvantages section. Fix this, and someone will be able to get to Rita to give her a proper critique shortly!

Thanks for the note! I've closed the line between advantages and disadvantages.

[VoltTurtle]

Heya JacobAllTradez! I'm the staffer that's got Rita and is here to get her into an acceptable state. Unfortunately, Rita is DENIED pending substantial revisions and likely a near-total rewrite. My comments are extensive, but I didn't bother to cover most of my normal beats due to the systemic issues with the profile that will require substantial revision to the point where I'd rather not bother until I see a second draft.

Usually, I try to take the profile from the top and go line by line as I address what needs to be fixed and changed, however there is a severe, fundamental issue that affects the whole profile, so I'm going to address it right here at the very top. It starts at the very beginning of her biography:

Rita Schnell was born in Berlin, Germany to a family of six, the middle-child of Susanna Schnell and Luther Schnell, a supermodel and actor who both found considerable success in their fields, Luther in particular being a highly successful action film star, who helped pioneer the “Go Big” franchise

Okay so there are multiple layered problems here that will inevitably cascade throughout the rest of the profile. Let's go one at a time.

Our expectation here on SOTF is that the characters should generally be average high schoolers, or at least only a few standard deviations from the mean. It's fine if their parents are well-off, or even really well-off, but it stretches belief to the point of breaking when a kid's parents are both rich and famous.

There is no plausible reason, as I see it, that Rita would be going to Southwest Red Rock if her parents have access to these kinds of resources. She would almost certainly be going to a private school, or at the very least a public high school in a very well off area, which doesn't fit Red Rock and doesn't fit Vegas.

Las Vegas, despite popular conception, is actually a fairly average city within the USA. The Strip (where all the casinos and wealth are) isn't even a part of the city proper. It's a fun place to visit, not so much to live, at least according to all the people I know who actually did or do live there. Not to mention that your later justification for why they moved from Germany to Las Vegas also doesn't make much sense at all, as if they wanted to be nearer to Hollywood... they could just move to Hollywood.

To put this in perspective, this would be like Will Smith's or Arnold Schwarzenegger's kids going to a random public high school in Montana. If that sounds wrong to you, then that is exactly how I feel reading this myself.

Not only that, but SOTF is meant to mirror the real world. Obviously there are fictional parts of it (the high school, for one), but establishing an entire franchise fitting for a "highly successful" action film star, aka something that a lot of people would naturally know about (think about how well known Die Hard or Fast & Furious are), is far too much for a single character and their parents.

All that is to say that this will need to be reeled back in a significant amount. It's fine if she's still wealthy (maybe her parents are nepo babies or rich from inheritance or stonks or whatever), it's fine if her mother is a successful model (not super), but her father should absolutely not be a "highly successful" action film star.

My suggestion is that it's okay if he's an actor, but he should likely be a successful, maybe even well-renowned stage actor, not a movie star.

Additionally, I'd straight up cut them living in Berlin and moving to Vegas and instead just have them already living in Vegas to begin with. It doesn't seem like growing up in Germany actually means much of anything for Rita as a character (unless her being able to speak German is important, but that can be done other ways). If you want to keep this then you will need a much better justification for why they moved from an entirely different (and frankly better) country to Las Vegas. I'll address this in a bit more detail later.

Also, lastly, and admittedly this is the least important point, but having six entire children would be a pretty ridiculous thing for a model (especially supermodel) to do. Having one kid can potentially ruin your figure permanently. Having six? If you really want her mom to be a model then she either needs to be retired prior to starting the family or the family needs to be much smaller.

If you want an idea of how to write a kid that is wealthy but within the bounds of acceptability, I can direct you to two characters (one of my own): Lúcio Oliveira and Dani Bird. I would also advise reading profiles approved for final apps in V8 or otherwise written by members of staff for a general idea of how to write acceptable profiles.



With that, I can get to the specific comments on the rest of the profile. I won't bother to mention her parents being wealthy and famous unless I have something more substantial to add, as I expect all of that to be stripped out or otherwise changed before Rita can be approved.

Taking it from the top...

Hobbies and Interests: Acting, dance, playing the guitar, throwing extravagant parties, flirting with guys, professional wrestling

Flirting isn't really something I'd normally consider a hobby. Anything listed here would be something taking up a significant amount of Rita's time, and I think the attached justifications in the biography doesn't support it as such (which I will get to in a moment). Cut this from the hobbies list.

weighs 140lbs

There should be a space between "140" and "lbs".

To say that Rita looks like a bombshell would be doing it misjustice, she finds herself a paragon of beauty with

So putting aside that this description comes off as uncomfortably lecherous, given Rita is a high schooler, it also doesn't fit the tone we expect from profiles.

Profiles should be written from the perspective of a bored, detached, omniscient terrorist that's having to write a dozen of these profiles each. As such, they should be dry and to the point, and not betray any opinions on the characters.

Cut this and replace it with a simple "Rita has".

a very curvaceous hourglass figure

Again, "curvaceous" is not the word I would use to describe a high schooler. It's fine for her to have an hourglass figure, and it's fine for her to be pretty, but the word choice is important.

Change this to "an hourglass figure" and nothing more.

The one Rita

"The one thing Rita".

is her noses

She has more than one nose?

Most people don’t understand why, finding it quite cute.

Opinions other than her own need not be included. Cut.

shirts, tanktops, midriffs

Tank tops is two words, not a contraction.

Expect her to wear earrings and necklaces and other sorts of jewelry

This is a sentence fragment. Combine with the previous sentence (using a comma), and change the wording from "Expect her to wear" to "along with". Profiles are exclusively written in past and present tense, not future tense.

no issue to anything

"With anything".

which that sole exception being the flashing light of cameras whenever paparazzi hounded them

"With the" not "which that", though this will probably need to be cut. The paparazzi would not be hounding them, again, these kids are supposed to be mostly average. This kid would not be safe at a regular high school if that was the case.

It was also at that point Rita began to realize something. At times, the guys at school would often stop to stare at her, maybe even give her a compliment as to how she looked. Yes, as puberty set in, Rita’s looks would begin to skyrocket with them. Sure enough, Rita would return the advances with a few of her own.

Alright so... this does not need to be in a profile. In particular the line "Yes, as puberty set in, Rita's looks would begin to skyrocket with them" is not acceptable for the tone expected from profiles. It's fine if her character is still flirty or whatever but guys perving on her and her being flirty isn't substantial enough to be included in a profile.

At the age of 16, Rita’s life would be changed forever when Luther and Susanna made the move to Las Vegas, Nevada, citing a need to be closer to Hollywood, now entering their 50s and looking to step away from the needless travel that had come from their lives.

Further multi-layered problems.

The first, which I already mentioned, this is an extremely poor excuse for a move this drastic. If they wanted to live in Hollywood, they could just go to live in Hollywood. Especially for Europeans, this would still be a ridiculous distance away, requiring many hours of driving or more (albeit shorter) flights.

Second, we don't actually allow transfer students who transferred in after freshman year. This is a long-standing rule that's been in place since V5 (for various reasons). Rita would need to have moved when she was 14 and attending Red Rock as a freshman, if you insist on keeping the move.

My advice, as before, is just to have her already living in Vegas to begin with, but it's up to you.

With Nevada’s private school system not quite as prestigious or endearing, Rita would have to find alternate ventures for her education. Lucky for her, she wouldn’t be without school for long, being enrolled in Southwest Red Rock High School, the quality of their after-school programs impressing her parents.

Nevada's private schools, especially those available to parents so wealthy, would still be more prestigious than any public schools. Red Rock, while impressive for a public school, is still a public school.

Needless to say, this is a very poor justification. This problem won't be there if Rita's parents are not so rich.

being a key contributor of the Southwest Red Rock High School

How does she contribute?

and girl-scout like personality

"Girl-scout-like", need both hyphens.

As it turns out, Rita’s parents never introduced her to children who were less fortunate, and while they had donated and helped those in need, Rita never developed a close connection to those in the middle class. As such, Rita has developed something of a passive, at times, dismissive attitude regarding them, often waving off their issues and flippantly suggesting they find a job, that way, they can be happy. She is completely unaware that the job market in America is not the best, neither is the income inequality or wage situation.

This is an interesting character beat that will unfortunately have to be axed or otherwise changed if you follow my suggestions. If you REALLY want to keep this part of her character, here's a new suggestion you can try to work with:

Have Rita's parents be fabulously wealthy at one point in her life, but eventually their fortunes were vastly diminished due to some event, and as such their quality of life went down enough that she had to start attending public school.

How you do that is up to you, if you do it at all. Ultimately I think it'd be easier to axe this entirely, but if you think this is important, that's how I'd make it work.

rather sizeable ego

Sizable.

means she’s not wiling to give up the reins

Willing. There are lots of errors like this. Please run your profile through a word processor (Microsoft Word, Google Docs, LibreOffice Writer) and check for grammar before submitting.

regarding her looks, which have continued to grow during her high-school career

Looks do not grow, they are not a plant. Being in high school also isn't a career.

The weird thing is that Rita’s house parties tend to be for the most trivial matters, often celebrating menial things such as her first boyfriend, or getting straight As on her report card, even telling off that one girl at lunch who was getting too annoying for her own good. Nobody gets why she does them, but they’re always glad to attend, especially since Rita and her siblings are such great hosts.

I'm having trouble describing why this is strange. This is not why people (particularly high schoolers) hold parties. Parties among teenagers are getting rarer nowadays in general, but when they are held they're for the sake of socialization, not to actually celebrate anything. I'm not sure if this strange behavior adds anything to her character as-is.

Additionally, the whole "nobody knows" sentence shouldn't be in this profile. I want to know why Rita holds these parties, they're an important hobby for her. The hypothetical bored terrorist writing this is basically omniscient. Tell me! What does she actually like about parties? Please rewrite this.

Either way, most people are aware that when Rita gets in that mood, it’s best to let her get what she wants or wait until she tires herself out. For what it’s worth, Rita was something of a tantrum kid growing up, so odds are, she evolved it into something she can use to her advantage, although she’d prefer not to.

Again, this is worded strangely and against the acceptable tone. This is how I'd rewrite:

"Most of her peers are aware that when Rita gets angry, it's best to let her get what she wants or wait until she tires herself out."

Cut the last portion.

Perhaps most concerningly, Rita has not experienced a true struggle in her life. Being the daughter of two extremely wealthy and successful parents, the worst she’s had to deal with is memorizing lines or studying for tests, which she doesn’t appear to have much trouble with.

It's fine if she hasn't really struggled. Again, not fine for her to be this wealthy.

Rita developed the nickname of “That Bitch”

Who gave her this nickname? Why? Why would she like this nickname? It doesn't exactly come off as endearing to me. I'd honestly just cut this, but if you insist, it needs elaboration.

She also has taken up guitar-playing in recent days, wanting to diversify her portfolio.

This is the only mention of playing guitar in the profile. If this is going to be a major hobby of hers, then it needs to be much more substantial.

For some general guidelines, every single hobby listed in "hobbies and interests" should have its own paragraph that explains the following:

- How/why they got started with the hobby.
- What they do regularly with it.
- Why they enjoy the hobby, or otherwise why they dedicate time to it.

Learning an instrument is hard and takes years of work, it's not something you can just pick up and do.

Luther and Susanna, who, whenever they’re are, are always willing to listen

Bizarre grammar. "Luther and Susanna are always willing to listen" works well enough.

Cute, questionable or otherwise.

Inappropriate tone and a sentence fragment. Cut.

Unfortunately, she is no longer able to do plays with her peers, mainly because they’ve grown out of the role.

...Huh? I don't understand. How can you grow out of acting?

With college slowly approaching, Rita appears to have charted out the course of her life. She’ll enroll in a prestigious college with a strong theatre and arts program. Then, upon graduating, she’ll enter in the film industry, starting with a few films alongside her father before embarking on her own path. During this time, she hopes to find a beautiful man to spend the rest of her life with and give birth to multiple more children, all of whom will, hopefully, follow in her path and continue the Schnell legend in Hollywood. Whether or not this will actually happen is entirely uncertain, but Rita believes in it with all her heart.

This will need to be entirely changed per all of my directives above.

Even after all this time, Rita remains a solid leader

Why would this have changed with time? Just say Rita is a solid leader.

Able to command an audience with relative ease, Rita lights up a room by merely stepping in, this especially helps her in the acting sphere, where Rita is able to manipulate situations in her favor by being a certain way.

This is cool and all but these are advantages for being in a death game, not on a stage. Change this to be relevant to the death game.

While she prefers to dance by herself in her room these days, Rita is still a very capable dancer with a decent amount of balance and grace.

Cut the entire portion before the comma, that should be in the biography if it's anywhere.

Sure, her confidence may help make others feel better about themselves, but her self-centered, passive attitude towards those who feels aren’t on her level is just as likely to alienate others.

I don't understand, is she a charismatic leader or is she prone to alienating those around her? You shouldn't have advantages and disadvantages that contradict each other.

At times, it seems as though Rita just wants to flirt with others and show off her looks, not paying much attention to other matters.

Cut. Not relevant to a death game.


...And that's it. I recognize that this is a lot, and you're basically going to have to write a new profile from the ground up to align with my requested changes. I have faith you will be able to, especially if you follow my advice for reading other acceptable profiles to use as examples. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me on the boards or DM me on Discord.

Post back here when you have those edits done and I'll give Rita another look.

[JacobAllTradez]

Not sure if I got all the edits I needed to make, but it should look better now!

[VoltTurtle]

Heya again! Rita's looking a lot better, but there's still a fair amount I want addressed. Much of this will just be expansion on what's already there or grammar fixes, but there were a few comments from my last post that didn't get addressed. In the future, please make sure to go back over my comments to make sure you get everything.

With that out of the way...

Appearance: Rita stands at 5’7” and weighs 140 lbs. Rita has smooth, glossy, light skin with almond-shaped eyes and brown irises with waist-length light brown hair, an hourglass figure, complete with an ample chest and round hips, and is complimented by a highly animated face, perfect for acting and reactions. The one thing Rita doesn’t like about herself is her nose, which she feels is too small for its own good.

What is the shape of her face (is it round, square, etc)? You say her skin is "glossy" but how is her complexion? How is her posture? What does her voice sound like?

Rita Schnell was born in Las Vegas, Nevada, to a family of six, the middle child of Susanna Schnell and Luther Schnell, a locally known librarian and stage actor in that order.

How did her parents meet and get together? A sentence or two would be fine, it doesn't need to be very involved.

Additionally, what's the overall family income? You imply they're still fairly wealthy (at least to begin with) so I want a sentence or two elaborating on that (and how so, if they're wealthy). It doesn't necessarily have to be from their actual jobs, income from trusts or a good stock portfolio could suffice. Just from the listed jobs you'd expect them to be lower middle or working class on average.

Another thing that became clear was the immense amount of empathy

Awkward transition. "She also had an immense amount of empathy"

father tearing her ACL and out of commission for a year

Tearing his ACL, unless he somehow tore Rita's ACL here, which I don't think is what you meant. Also you want to have a "putting him" before "out of commission".

This would take a massive hit on her family's income

Out of order. "Her family's income would take a massive hit from this"

she’s become one of Southwest’s more

I'd use "Red Rock" as a shortened version of the school name, not "Southwest".

This in turn, however, has revealed cracks under this spirited personality.

As it turns out, Rita’s parents never introduced her those less fortunate

Awkward transition. Delete this last sentence (this in turn..) and change the first sentence of the next paragraph to "However, her popularity at Red Rock revealed cracks under this spirited personality, as Rita's parents never introduced her to the less fortunate." For the following sentence, get rid of the "and" (as that previous sentence has ended) and simply have it begin with "While".

Rita never developed a close connection to the middle class

Middle class people are generally doing okay. Working class is what you would want here.

dismissive attitude regarding them

I'd clarify here by changing "them" to "her peers from working class families". End the sentence there.

often flippantly suggesting they find a job; that way, they can be happy

Change this to make it clear what she's responding to. "She would often respond to their problems with money by flippantly suggesting that they find a job if they want to be happy."

She is completely unaware that the job market in America is not the best; neither is the income inequality or wage situation.

This reads a little weirdly to me. I think you'd get the point across better if you change it to "She is completely unaware that this is far easier said than done, and that both them and their parents may already have jobs that aren't paying them enough."

which have continued to grow

I assume you mean her self-confidence has grown, in which case it would be "has" and not "have".

As Rita has grown more independent in her role in the household, she has also taken to throwing her own house parties whenever her parents are away, often celebrating menial things such as her first boyfriend, or getting straight As on her report card, even telling off that one girl at lunch who was getting too annoying for her own good. Nobody gets why she does them, but they’re always glad to attend, especially since Rita and her siblings are such great hosts.

As I previously pointed out:

The whole "nobody gets" sentence shouldn't be in this profile. I want to know why Rita holds these parties, they're an important hobby for her. The hypothetical bored terrorist writing this is basically omniscient. Tell me! What does she actually like about parties?

For a more general comment on the profile as a whole, I don't think her hobbies are substantiated enough.

Every single hobby listed in "hobbies and interests" should have its own paragraph (or information scattered through the profile) that explains the following:

- How/why they got started with the hobby.
- What they do regularly with it.
- Why they enjoy the hobby, or otherwise why they dedicate time to it.

For each specific hobby, I still need to know:

Acting: Why she likes acting.
Dance: Why she likes dancing.
Partying: Why she likes throwing parties.
Wrestling: Why she likes pro wrestling.

If you don't want to make dedicated paragraphs then you at least need this information SOMEWHERE in the profile.

is preordained, as

I forgot to say this last time given everything else, but I don't think "preordained" is the word you want here. Given the context, I'd say the word you actually want is "manipulative" or "premeditated" but I'd add an "on Rita's part" as well, to make it clear she's doing it.

Either way, For what it’s worth, Rita was something of a tantrum kid growing up, so odds are, she evolved it into something she can use to her advantage, although she’d prefer not to.

To repeat my comment from the last post:

This is worded strangely/against the tone and is anachronistic. This is how I'd rewrite:

"Most of her peers are aware that when Rita gets angry, it's best to let her get what she wants or wait until she tires herself out."

Cut the last portion. If you insist on mentioning that she was prone to tantrums, that should be done earlier, although I don't think it's necessary.

Some worry what might

Who are "some"?

She maintains a connection with her older brothers, Marcus and Nicholas, who have gone on

Sentence ends abruptly here with no period. Gone on to where?

She also has developed a precocious crush on Ludwig Kaiser, WWE wrestler.

I didn't shout it down last time but I don't think this is a necessary detail to include in a profile. Cut.

find other likeminded wrestling fans

Like-minded.

She also, at one point, tried to coin her own nickname, but it never caught on.

If it never caught on then it doesn't need to be included. Cut.

Luther is especially proud of Rita for keeping this part of their family strong

Not the right phrasing for this. "Keeping this part of the family alive" is what I would say.

Rita appears to have charted out the course of her life

She appears to? Or has she actually? I'd just cut it and say "Rita has charted" etc.

She’ll enroll in a prestigious college with a strong arts program.

Sentence fragment, combine it with the next sentence.

she’ll start acting herself

Acting professionally, not acting herself. She's already an actor!

luck out in Hollywood During this

You missed a period after "Hollywood".

nothing seems to stick to her for long periods of time

Nothing seems to "bother her", not "stick to her".

Her impressive self-confidence usually radiates off of others

Her own self-confidence radiates off of other people? I think you meant "radiates onto others".

Rita is a solid leader and can help lead a group on whatever project is needed, especially thanks to the impressive level of charisma she has. Able to command an audience with relative ease, Rita lights up a room by merely stepping in; this especially helps her in the acting sphere, where Rita is able to manipulate situations in her favor by being a certain way.

These can be combined and trimmed down to the most essential elements. "Rita is a solid leader due to her considerable charisma, and is able to manipulate situations to her favor using her acting skills."

While she prefers to dance by herself in her room these days, Rita is still a very capable dancer with a decent amount of balance and grace.

As I stated before, where she prefers to dance is not information we need in the advantages, that would go in the biography if anywhere.

"Due to her experience with dancing, Rita has a good sense of balance and moves gracefully."

Sure, her confidence may help make others feel better about themselves, but her stubbornness can grow just as irritating.

Too informally worded for a profile. Blunt and to-the-point is what we expect, especially here. Also, the disadvantages should not be positive.

"Her tendency to be stubborn and throw tantrums to get her way may irritate and drive away potential allies."

Her idealized way of life feels more like a fairytale than an actual possibility, and while Rita means well, she often delves into toxic positivity when giving advice.

Again, too informal. "Feels" to who?

Move this bit to before the previous sentence (after "grim"). Change to: "Her idealism and optimism can cause Rita to engage in toxic positivity, which may be grating to those less receptive to it."



...And that's it for this round. As before if you have any questions, feel free to ask. Post back here when you have your edits done and I'll give her another look!

[JacobAllTradez]

Okay, who’s the dumb dumb that decided 4:30 was a good time to make edits?

Oh wait, that’s me.

[VoltTurtle]

Seems editing at 4:30 AM was not the best idea, as you missed a substantial number of my requested edits. Please carefully re-read my previous post and make sure you address EVERY comment that I made.

Post back here once you've done that and I'll give her another (proper) look.

[JacobAllTradez]

Done and dusted.

[VoltTurtle]

Rita is looking MUCH better! Proud of the progress you've made. That said, she's not perfect just yet, so let's touch on what's left...

Rita is a German-American with smooth, glossy, fair, light skin with no blemishes or freckles to speak of, with a pointed chin and heart-shaped head, almond-shaped eyes and brown irises with waist-length light brown hair, an hourglass figure, complete with an ample chest and round hips, and is complimented by a highly animated face, perfect for acting and reactions and a light, warm and high-pitched voice.

Content is mostly fine, but this is a run-on sentence that needs to be broken up:

"Rita is a German-American with smooth, glossy, fair, light skin with no blemishes or freckles to speak of. She has a pointed chin and heart-shaped head, almond-shaped eyes and brown irises and waist-length light brown hair. She has an hourglass figure, complete with an ample chest and round hips, which is complimented by a highly animated face, perfect for acting and reactions. Her voice is light, warm and high-pitched."

would first come together in the library Susanna

I would say "meet" instead of "come together".

Luther’s career continued to flourish

How did it flourish?

Growing up, Rita would make waves as a precocious, excitable, imaginative child with an endless abundance of optimism, becoming a social butterfly of the highest order, especially when it came to her brothers, Marcus and Nicholas. It was because of them that her interest in acting and dance was sparked, especially when Rita saw her father on stage.

It sounds like her father was the primary inspiration for her, not her brothers. I would say to combine with the prior sentence and rephrase, but that would create a run-on. Let's do this, rephrase to:

"Growing up, Rita would make waves as a precocious, excitable, imaginative child with an endless abundance of optimism, becoming a social butterfly of the highest order. She was especially social with her brothers, Marcus and Nicholas, as her brothers helped spark her interest in acting and dance after she saw her father on stage."

giving warm hugs to anyone who needed them

"needs"

toward other elementary school students

"Toward her peers once she started school" since you didn't mention her entering elementary school yet.

even showing signs of being a strong, independent, and capable leader as well as a solid understanding of dance,

This is a very odd segue, a non-sequitur. End this sentence at "capable leader". I'm not sure the mention of dance belongs in this paragraph, to be honest, but if you can figure out a way to make it flow logically, go ahead.

starring alongside her father in a few plays

There are child labor laws regarding plays as well as movies, to the point where children are often played by small adults. It's doubtful she would "star" in any plays, but she could probably be able to participate alongside her father without too much difficulty.

best to install the same level of excitement

"Instill", not "install".

Like with acting, Rita was starstruck over the pomp and circumstance of the industry, finding similarities between both.

Add a sentence after this elaborating on this. Did she continue to watch it with her brother and make it a regular thing?

receiving high remarks on her dance skills

I'd say "praise for" and not "high marks on" because nobody is grading her.

Some time after her 16th birthday

Once again, Rita has to enroll during Freshman year at the latest. She would be in Sophomore or Junior year at 16. Her father would need to tear his ACL when she was 13 or 14.

private school's scholarship being as expensive as it was

A scholarship is not what you pay, it pays for you. Tuition is what you pay.

particularly in reading, where

There's no reading class, you're looking for English.

became known for her throwing eclectic

Drop the "her" here.

annoying, feeling a need to celebrate

"annoying, as Rita felt the need to celebrate"

regarding her parties reveals cracks in her spirited

"revealed"

passive, at times, dismissive

"and at times"

thinks they've shown affection back

"to her" instead of "back", as you didn't say she showed affection herself.

and affection she covets

"and the affection she covets"

nature radiates off of others

"radiates onto others", as they are not the source of her nature.



...and that's it. Mostly just grammar fixes this time. Post back here when you've got that done and I'll give her another look!

[JacobAllTradez]

Jacob throws the ball high and deep, will this be the moment...

[VoltTurtle]

Close! Bounced off the rim.

As time passed, Luther's career flourished thanks to several breakout roles causing their stock portfolio would reach a high point, giving them just cause to buy a nice house not far from the library.

His success as an actor would not correlate with stock market success.

"As time passed, Luther's career flourished thanks to several breakout roles. At the same time, their stock portfolio would reach a high point, giving them just cause to buy a nice house not far from the library."

Rita also has an immense amount of empathy, giving warm hugs to anyone who needs them. Rita's energy also spread toward others once she started school even showing signs of being a strong, independent, and capable leader.

Drop the "also" at the start. Add a comma after "school". Add a sentence afterwards detailing how she did in school at an early age, academically.

Rita's self-confidence and optimism radiates off of others

Again. "Radiates onto others", as they are not the source of her nature.


That's all. Fix/add those and she should be good to go.

[JacobAllTradez]

Rita incoming?

[VoltTurtle]

So close! One last thing.

This would be most apparent in her schoolwork, where she maintained a strong A/B average, particularly receiving high marks for English.

I'm not sure leadership translates to schoolwork? Usually it's a matter of following the teachers' lead. You don't necessarily need to transition every sentence perfectly into each other every time. A series of somewhat related thought is good enough for a paragraph. Let's go with something a little more simple and direct (and swapping some words around to the right order for flow):

"Academically, Rita excelled in school, and maintained a strong A/B average, receiving particularly high marks for English."

[JacobAllTradez]

FINISHED.

THE.

STORY.

- Michael Cole, WrestleMania 40, 4/7/24