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Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2023 12:57 am
by Laurels
((Ellis Wheaton continued from The Fool was her))

Ellis trudged along the path, finally stopping when he felt like he couldn't go on. He slowly leaned against a tree, pressing his forehead into the bark. He let out a long exhale and clenched his eyes shut.

It had been a miserable time since Eden died. Ellis had been dragged around by Jack, moving from the garages to wherever they could find refuge. After this morning's announcement, they began walking into the forest in hopes of reaching the town. The forest was starting to look pretty similar all around, so Ellis really had no idea where they were going.

He put his hands into his jacket pockets and felt the knife in his hand. He barely used it against Juanita and Ashlyn, and now his friend was dead. It felt like it needed to be fused to his palm. He didn't have Armand anymore, so maybe the knife needed to become his new best friend. Well, Jack was his best friend now, so he wasn't going to discredit that.

Ellis opened his eyes and slowly moved his head up. As he did, he noticed a camera affixed to a nearby tree, pointing to where they were. He stared down the barrel of the camera.

"Hey," Ellis said to Jack, "do you feel like being honest right now?"

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2023 12:37 pm
by NoLife
(( Jack/Teddie Continued from The Fool was her))

Jack didn't know when he had done it. When he cleaned the blood of Eden Glass off his face and hands. When he swapped his clothes for something that didn't make it harder to breathe and see. When he put on Eden's necklace or even when he re-did the bandages on his leg wound. The announcement went off some time ago, telling of death and decay. Of the moment that birthed him. With a pun on her name no less.

Jack wondered what he would sound like on the announcements. Would they still refer to him as Teddie? Or were the bastards paying enough attention to know his name was Jack?

Ellis stopped and leaned against a tree. Jack stopped and at that moment all the exhaustion hit him, with a deep exhale he moved to sit near the tree next to Ellis.

Jack looked out at the snow before reaching into his pack and pulling out a water bottle. Halfway through the bottle Ellis spoke to him.

"Depends...What am I being honest about?"

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2023 2:41 am
by Laurels
"Well, not so much that you need to be honest," Ellis said. "Frankly, I think you've been pretty straight with me since, um, all of this began."

Ellis adjusted his position so he was off the tree and standing up right. He continued to hold a gaze at the camera in the tree.

"It's just...they're watching us..."

He sniffled a bit.

"Not just the terrorists. Everyone is watching us. The game always gets uploaded online some time after it wraps up. It always gets shared. Someone will download the footage and distribute it. Then others will clip it down to the relevant bits and distribute it further. Then it repeats again and again."

He stepped forward.

"Jack....this might be the one chance for us to say and do anything we want...and people will have to listen to us...so...if that's the case..."

Ellis turned towards his friend.

"Maybe we should turn this into a confessional? At least while we have the chance?"

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2023 5:10 am
by Jazzfat
((Kathleen Vozelnik continued from, well, somewhere on some road.))

She was calm. All was calm. All was fine. Everything is fine, and all manner of things will be fine. See? Look how fine she looked?

Kathleen walked into the scene from - a direction. One of them. She looked pale. Disgustingly pale. Puke pale. Very.

She heard a few voices, but didn't care to make herself known, maybe someone would discover her. She didn't try to hide herself. Help. Please.

Maybe these people can still make this a confessional, maybe not. But maybe they don't notice the quiet goth just yet. The cameras sure do, they always have. And, God, Kathleen must be the most boring ass character in this snuff film.

Anyways...

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2023 6:41 pm
by NoLife
Jack considered Ellis's words. Jack took another sip of his water. "Its... It's, uh, funny you say that... Teddie already did something like that... When he first came up with me." Jack looked at the camera Ellis was previously looking at. "He talked to it like his parents would see. I... I somewhat doubt that... That our parents would watch this. During the earlier games? Yeah, of course, you would, but now? I'm not so sure." Jack put his water bottle away and removed one of the energy bars.

"Teddie talked about how he wasn't strong enough for this... How the game required you to... Change, to be cold, and heartless. That's why he decided that the best thing he could do... Was to become someone else." Jack stuck his thumb at himself. "He decided to become me." Jack opened then took a bite out of his "meal". At least it tasted better than the bread. "It was when Eden died that I really... Became real? Was born? I'm not too sure what I am." Jack took another bite. "I'm sorry, Ellis I probably sound insane right now. But, its the truth... Personally, I don't really have anything to confess. I would say sorry for what I did to Eden, but I'm sure that looting the dead is a common thing in these games." Jack brought the necklace he took up to his face. "Plus, I want something to remember her by. That and I feel that we will see, if not commit worse sins by the end of this..."

Jack rested his head on the tree. "I'm really fuckin tired... And cold... Hey, Ellis... Do you want a hug?"

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2023 12:23 am
by Laurels
Ellis listened as Jack spoke. When Teddie said he was Jack now, Ellis assumed it was a sort of rebranding or name change that was like when you went to college and wanted to be referred to by your birth name instead of a nickname. Granted, "Teddie" and "Jack" were already nicknames, but he didn't think that it was a separate personality. He just assumed Teddie's real name was John or something.

But from how Jack spoke, it appeared he suffered some sort of disconnect. Ellis figured that what Jack was saying made sense if you disassociated it from the reality of the situation. But considering Jack asked for a hug, Ellis was glad to oblige.

"Yeah, come here man," Ellis said.

He walked over and quickly gave Jack a side hug and the requisite three pats to the back.

"But yeah, maybe we do need to change to survive this," Ellis noted. "I mean, I probably needed to become someone completely different about 17 years ago, but I get what you mean. And yeah, I think that when I mean confessional, it's to mark the end of the Ellis Wheaton who was here before being kidnapped.

"Besides, even if our families won't watch it, there's always some clever person with computers who could make a clip and spread it around so they could find it on their Facebook feeds."

Ellis looked back to the camera.

"Jack, I hope you permit what I'm about to do, and please let me get it out of my system before you say anything."

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2023 7:09 pm
by Jazzfat
Kathleen heard someone. Something about...a confessional? What, like spilling your guts out to the camera? I mean....why?

Well...one person is leaving this death arena. I suppose...it would be a good time to start getting stuff off her chest. But what? What could she possible get off her chest? Out of the dozens of regrets? Her train of thought flew by the station, going straight to emotionland. Will it take a stop and get delayed at dissosciation-station? Or maybe it'll crash into the brain-to-mouth filter? Kathleen had no clue. She stood still, and stared at the camera - a big eye in the sky type deal. And it stared back.

It wasn't quite the abyss, much to Kathleen's disappointment. Trudging through Nietzsche did her no good for this moment. Instead, she recalled something else. Falsely attributed to Marcus Aurelius.

Death smiles at us all; all a man can do is smile back.

Kathleen smiled for a moment, at the camera. It returned to her neutral expression.

She inhaled. "I...am Kathleen Vozelnik. This is to everyone who is watching who cares for what I am about to say. My regrets. My wishes, now going unclaimed. Or for those sadists who simply love to see a girl in pain."

Another breath in. Taking a split second to quickly think of things to say.

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2023 8:07 pm
by NoLife
Jack nodded to Ellis. "It's a strange and stressful situation we find ourselves in. Not only will I not judge you, frankly I don't even think I have the right. Oh, and thanks for the hug." All the while Jack kept the same monotone voice. It just felt... Right to him, or something. Jack then set about finishing his "MEAL".

Then he became aware of a new soul. His body snapped into a fighting position, like an instinct. It surprised him that he could do that like he was training a muscle without knowing. Perhaps it was the inherent hostile environment he found himself in but it still felt strange to just have that part of him without knowing. Jack soon, calmed down when he realized that the new person, Kathleen apparently, had decided to join in on the little confessional. Jack's heighten and aggressive pose shifted to a more neutral one. He sighed, perhaps he should just join in as well.

"Screw it let me join in as well since everyone's doing it... I'm Jack No last name... No, wait, maybe it's Boyd since Teddie... Made me? Created me? No, maybe it would be Glass since Eden also... You know what forget it, I'll just go by Jack no last name." Jack's expression shifted to confusion when he spoke before settling on his standard neutral. "I'm... An alternate personality? Or maybe just a new person? Whatever the case, I'm here while Teddie... Isn't? It feels like he's sleeping..." Jack pointed to his chest. "Inside me. I was... made... For a... Purpose? Yeah, something like that. There's a reason I exist. It's because Teddie didn't think... He could survive this, so now I'm here." Jack became slightly agitated as he spoke. "So now, I'm stuck here! Forced to hurt people and... Since I don't think I'll be making any new people, I guess it falls on me to make sure we survive this!" As Jack spoke his last sentence he threw his hands in the air. He sighed as he finished. "Sorry, just isn't pleasant to come into existence next to a corpse and covered in blood." Jack then sat back down at the base of the tree while moving his hand to Ellis. "I feel better, now you should too. Pop off, king."

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2023 1:09 am
by Laurels
Ellis wanted to finally say what he wanted to say, but before he could, he was cut off by two opposing forces. First, Jack started his own rant, reiterating that Jack was a separate entity from Teddie. Ellis thought he could at least try to connect what Jack was saying to him creating his puppet characters. Armand was basically Ellis but exaggerated, and the others were supposed to be based on parts of himself Ellis could exaggerate or wanted to be. But this was beyond his capabilities right now.

Then there was a girl talking who was also doing some sort of soulful confession. She was prepared to Carrie Bradshaw things up, but Ellis wasn't ready to do so.

"Hey, Jack, uh, hold on," Ellis said to his companion.

He looked out to where Kathleen's voice was.

"Uh, hey, listen, can you come out?"

There was some random girl nearby, and the last time random girls showed up Eden died, so Ellis figured he could at least wait to say what he needed once they figured out who the fuck Kathleen is.

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2023 9:25 pm
by Jazzfat
"And I-" And she was cut off. God fucking damn it.

"Huh? A-Am I interrupting your...whatever you're doing?" Why they fuck didn't she duck and hide - what is she DOING?!

"I-" Shut. "I-uh-" SHUT. "Over-" UP. "Over here, sorry!" SHUT THE FU- And she poked an arm up.

"I'm good, I'm okay! I don't want to participate in this! At this point, I'm trying to make footage of me a memorial for my family. Since, well...y'know!"

Way to bring the mood down, Kat.

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Fri Apr 14, 2023 9:25 pm
by NoLife
"She's most likely fine. I mean, when hearing someone talk about confessions if your first thought is to try it yourself and not try to maim and kill then I'm sure you're ok." Jack paused for a second. "Well at least in THIS situation."

Jack made no other moves besides grabbing his weapon, the pair of scissors. "As long as you don't want to stab anyone feel free to come over! We can turn this into a little... Death game anonymous, but like for those who are still in it."

Jack paused, and even with a completely monotone voice, you could tell he was slightly surprised at his words. "Damn that was dark. Sorry about that Ellis... And uh, Kathleen apparently. Ellis, please continue we could all use some catharsis."

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 9:29 pm
by Laurels
Okay good, it was another girl, and she wasn't one of the crazy girls from the other day. Kathleen seemed willing to just talk and follow their example. Ellis sighed in relief. He had some things to say, and he was glad he was free to say it.

Ellis reach into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. Fortunately for him, he was allowed to keep it, not like the $7.78 he had on him before he got on the bus would help him out. But what mattered most to him was the photo inside. Last Christmas, Ellis's parents wrangled the kids to go do some family pictures. Ellis had to wear a lousy sweater and hear Darren say that he couldn't stand in front of Ellis because then he'd feel Ellis's erection on his ass. Jason laughed, their mom weakly castigated him, and his dad barely acknowledged it. It was a pretty terrible day, and he felt his smile was extra strained in the photo.

Ellis took the photo out of the photo sleeve. He then walked closer to the camera and held the picture up.

"I hope you can see this. If not, could the terrorists please zoom in? Try to get everyone in the frame. Trust me, it's for a good reason."

Ellis wasn't sure if the camera was zooming in, but he waited a beat before speaking.

"So, my name is Ellis Wheaton. You probably already know that, but I want to send a message out to my family and to everyone watching. I'm sure someone out there will edit and distribute this, so I hope it reaches my family and everyone back in Salem.

"These are my parents, Bradford and Helen. And these are my older brothers, Jason and Darren. Guys, I know I'm probably going to die here, and this might be the last chance to directly address all of you. So, I hope you're listening carefully, and I hope you remember everything I say."

Ellis quickly gulped and licked his lips. He would need to get everything out before another interruption like Kathleen happened.

"Because I want you guys to know just how much I fucking hate all of you, and I want everyone watching this to know what fucking terrible people all four of you are."

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2023 10:47 pm
by NoLife
OH SHIT!

Jack's eye's widened at Ellis's statement. "Oooohhh shit..." The awe was present in his voice, it was so strong it overpowered his monotone. Ellis was about to go off, no he was about tear into his family with no remorse.

Jack didn't truly understand what that meant. He viewed Teddie's memories like he was looking through a window. Yet, Jack just grabbed his water bottle and began to sip.

This would be VERY interesting.

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2023 6:37 pm
by Jazzfat
Kathleen was about to speak again before she was spoken over. Again. Oh well. I guess she'd go after him.

Why was this kid sounding...weird. What was the emotion...dread? No...excitement? Not quite. She couldn't place a feeling on the emotion, but the tone of voice resonated in her heart, and it translated to emotion. To FEELING. And it was...not quite as different as she was already feeling. Maybe a tad bit more of adrenaline.

Kathleen simply...waited. And watched for the next opportunity to speak.

Re: Comedy Unfiltered

Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2023 12:57 am
by Laurels
Ellis could hear Jack say something, but he couldn’t focus on him. This was his last chance to truly address his awful family and let the entire world know how badly they fucked up his life. Maybe what he was about to do was worse than anything they did to him, but he didn’t care. Maybe this would be the extent of his legacy, but he didn’t care. Maybe it would deplete any sympathy anyone would have for him, but he didn’t care.

He was finally going to speak without a felt medium on his hand, and he wasn’t going to let anything stop him.

“So, where do I start with the Wheaton family of Salem, Mass?” he began.

“Okay, let’s start with the cause of all of our misery. Bradford. You don’t even deserve to be called my father. I’m embarrassed that I was ever once sperm in your balls, much less your son. You are misogynistic, abusive, racist, corrupt, hedonistic, unpleasant, toxic, and an all-around piece of shit. Bradford here works for the patrol division of Salem Police Department, and he is a fucking embarrassment to the boys in blue. I mean, ACAB was made because of guys like him. He’s thrown slurs around about people he’s pulled over and about the Black Live Matter movement in general. He once said he’d gladly put his service weapon in the face of a teenage girl protester and threaten to blow her brains out in front of her mother. Seriously, he has a stealth Facebook account under the name “Bradley Wheatley” just so he can post that kind of shit and get away with it. His avatar is a Blue Lives Matter icon and he has two moles on his left hand. That’s how you tell it’s him.

“Oh, and he and several of his buddies have totally stolen contraband from the station for personal use. Specifically, him and Officers Peter Hughes, Damon Alvarez, and Martin Rubello. They’ve done cocaine at my house when they do Poker Night here, and I know they gave some to my brother Jason when he turned 18. Peter’s the one who apparently gets it, and he says the guy in charge of the storeroom gives it to him for a discount. I think his name was Justin, I can't remember his last name. Damon’s also thrown a vase at my mom while under the influence of drugs and my dad browbeat her into staying silent about it. So yeah, investigate that at your will, and maybe actually for once punish a cop for breaking the law, goddammit.

“So yeah, that’s how shitty a cop he is and how he should be thrown in jail. Let’s talk about what a shitty father he is. My dad is the epitome of toxic masculinity. Yes, small dick and everything. He has spent my entire childhood calling me a fag and telling me to man up, then mocked me every time I cried or complained. That’s also not counting the fact that he took sadistic glee in spanking or destroying my possessions as punishment, or making Jason and Darren punish me by proxy. He has told me over and over again that I’m a failure and I’m never going to be a real man and that everything I make makes me a waste of life. And yet he's the fucking junkie cop who abuses his wife and children, so what the fuck do you have to be so proud of, Brad? You can't even touch your fucking toes anymore because of your beer gut! At least I still have my original hairline you balding fuck!

“Anyways, I’ve already mentioned how shitty he is to my mom when his friends are involved, but let’s also talk about how he’s constantly talking down to her and making her do all the chores around the house and criticizing her if she doesn’t do things to his standard. Sure, she tries to stand up, but he then yells and talks down to her until she capitulates. My brothers have no respect for her, no matter how much she sacrifices for them or how much work she does to make them have a good life. Oh, and I know he’s gotten physical with her too. She buys a lot of foundation from Ulta because of that.

“Now, I know that would make you want to sympathize with her considering she’s an abused housewife and has two shitty sons, but frankly, I’ve lost the ability to sympathize with her. I tried, believe me. I thought my mom was the only one who could protect me or love me in that house. But I learned long ago that there is a limit to that. Sure, she says she’s sorry my dad calls me a faggot or my brothers destroy my clothes, but she never does anything about it. She just lets them talk down to her and browbeat her into submission.

“I’ve fucking given up on you, Helen. You had so many opportunities to get out. So many opportunities to be better. To make us better. You’re employed! You have your own money! For fuck’s sake, we have plenty of family in the state! You could have gotten help! You could have tried to get us out! But you just prefer to be the victim. You would rather wallow in your own misery than help your kids. You’d rather stay in that house for the rest of your life and sacrifice my mental, physical, and emotional health if it means you don’t have as much pain. Maybe that's the end result of having your entire self broken down by that dick husband of yours, but at some point you have to want to be better, to want better. And you can't even try.

"Is that why you work in a retirement home? Because you get some sick glee out of seeing people worse off than you? The people at Sunset Peak Retirement Home on Bennington Road really need to ensure you’re not abusing your charges. I mean, I know you’ve stolen Oxy from some of them, so yeah, they should look into that. Oh, and Jason has totally raided your stash, so you're not as good at hiding it as you think you are.

“Speaking of, let’s talk about the useless fucking mongoloids I call my older brothers. Let’s start with the oldest. Jason is currently attending business school at University of Vermont. He’s also a fucking sociopath. He’s too busy cheating in his classes by forcing some peer named Everett to take exams for him and cyberstalking his ex-girlfriend Natalie Sawyer to do anything to me now, but he’s basically a miniature version of my dad. He’s the one who beat the shit out of me the most growing up. He also totally killed our old neighbor Mrs. Dalton’s cat and blamed it on the Hispanic family’s son, which my racist-ass dad totally ate up. Poor kid was sent to juvie and they had to move away because of he thought it would be funny to use the cat as a substitute hockey puck. Of course, I only learned about it years later, so I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything to help you, Luis Fontana. You should sue his ass.

“The worst thing Jason did though was to make Darren the fucking trash fire he is. Darren is basically a slimy, perverted son of a bitch who mocks anyone who isn’t straight, male, and white. He’s gotten in trouble in high school for being a total dick to some girl who wasn’t into him, but I know he’s doing worse at Boston University. He’s talked about wanting to get girls from his pre-law program drunk so he can fuck them, specifically a girl from his tort class named Alana, so yeah, you might want to look into that. He also tends to use semen for pranks because he wasn't repugnant enough. Like, he apparently used one of my old puppets as a sex aid and laughed at me when I put my hand inside it after he finished inside. I had to burn the puppet because of that fuck, and guess what? My parents did jack about it! My mom looked sad and did nothing while my dad told me to get over it. But yeah, I think he tried to slip semen into one of his study group friend’s drinks while everyone was out of the room. Sorry about that, whoever drank it.

“So there you have it. The Wheaton family, who live at 265 Oakridge Drive in Salem, Massachusetts, home phone number 555-092-9202, are a bunch of toxic, abusive, criminal pricks. They have all made my childhood a miserable experience, whether they directly impacted it or did nothing to make it better. And the worst part is? They’re not going to change! They’re not going to become better people! I’m going to die on this island, and they’re going to go on with their lives. Even doxing them like this probably won’t do shit. My dad and brothers are going to keep being awful people. My dad will probably keep his job because the police are corrupt as fuck. My brothers will probably not get expelled because the university won’t find proof. And my mom will stay because she’s too weak and cowardly to do something. Evil triumphs when good men do nothing indeed, and they're gonna triumph over some poor sod now that I'm fucked.

“It’s not fair. I’m going to die at 17 on some godforsaken island. I won’t get to go to college or become an entertainer. I won’t get a Vegas show or appear on late night shows. I won’t get a web following or anything. I won’t even get a funeral. I doubt they’d even chip in for a tombstone. If I didn’t say anything about those four fucks, then they’d pretend to be sad about me so they could try to get insurance money or get laid or act like they all cared about me when they were happy to leave me miserable and an absolute fucking mess of a person. If they were never going to have any sympathy for me, why should I have any sympathy for them any more? Why should good people like Eden die horribly while assholes like you get to carry on with your lives?”

Ellis ripped the photo in half.

“Fuck you, Bradford.”

Then again.

“Fuck you, Helen.”

Then again.

“Fuck you, Jason.”

Then one final tear.

“And fuck you, Darren.”

Ellis tossed the pieces of the photo and let them flutter to the ground.

“I wish I had never been born in this family. I could have had a good fucking life before it was cut short by these terrorist fucks, but you all ensured my life would amount to fucking nothing. You destroyed me before any of my classmates could. You’re probably all the reasons why I’m not even that good at ventriloquism cause you sure as shit weren’t supportive enough. And even if I do somehow survive this game, I’m definitely not coming home. I’m going to see if the terrorists can drop me off somewhere with a new identity so I can steer clear of you lot forever. The only reason I’d ever return to Salem is so I could piss on your graves.

“This is the last time I’ll ever speak to the four of you. I hope this video circulates and the four of you get the karma you all deserve. I hope you never have any peace or happiness for the rest of your lives. I’ll see you all in Hell.”

Ellis raised a middle finger to the camera.

“Goodbye forever! And one last time, fuck all of you!”

Ellis turned away from the camera and crouched down in the snow. He had said everything he could about his family. Every secret he overheard, every secret he witnessed. He probably forgot to mention some things about them all, but he wouldn't remember until much later. His mouth was dry and he let out a long exhale. He finally realized that he had started crying, but he wasn’t sure when that started. He just needed a moment to breathe after all of that.