Survival Of The Fittest

((Josh James continued from Dance of the Matador))

The day passed peacefully. Josh and Julia traveled uninterrupted to the church, where he had been twice before: once with a girl, and once alone. It was many days and lives ago. The sounds of nature were occasionally punctuated by gunshots, but not too often. They would stop, look around, then continue forward again.

They made their way inside with Josh leading the way and after inspecting the building, came to the conclusion it was empty and safe. Once that was done, there was the task of making it more livable. Josh took on the job of hoisting the body in the pews and dragging it out the door, leaving it in front of the church instead. It felt a bit like when he had cleaned the correctional cell before to make another place a little less gruesome. The body in the sacristy was in a state more off-putting than the other corpse and covered in some disgusting robe, and so it was left there.

Josh sat at a pew.

"Hmm. It's -- I used to take a lot of quizzes and things back home. I mean, ones that tell you about yourself. I think in Myers Briggs I'm ISFJ."

[S119 - Julia Guercio - continued from Dance of the Matador]

Walking a marathon was difficult enough, but the snow-covered terrain made everything just that little bit more challenging. The beating sound of crunching under their feet, the unequivocal silence that surrounded the pair as they made their way across the island. What started at a decent pace soon turned into a saunter as their bodies fought to maintain core temperatures, grappling through the occasional numbness in her legs to ensure she didn’t slow him down or get left behind. She needed to prove to him that she wasn’t weak, that she wasn't just a liability that had attached herself to him. This was a partnership... safety in numbers.

Most of the journey was filled with blissful tranquillity. Neither spoke much in words, only the crux of their feet gnawing at the snow, disrupted by the occasional far-away muffled gun shot or scream. Each shot likely representing another slaying. The silence didn’t feel awkward, just denoting the little they had in common. To fill the time, she thought of those she’d met earlier in the week, of how Karen was holding up out there. She prayed she was keeping safe; surviving. Hoping that their paths would cross again soon.

Eventually the duo arrived at the church and Joshua led the way in with weapon drawn as she lurked behind, making sure she was out of the line of fire if they had disturbed somebody. Fortunately, they were alone. The church was empty, chilled with about half of the pews disturbed by being dragged around - she assumed intentionally as they blocked windows or doors. Unfortunately, they weren’t alone. Joshua quickly carried the first body out of the church. In some ways it felt disrespectful, to move that corpse and put it out in the cold, she hoped her body was left peacefully when it was her time. The second didn’t seem moveable, instead they both took a seat a distance away from it to avoid their stench.

They looked at each other and Julia smiled radiantly at him, a coded language to thank him for keeping her safe on the journey and for finding somewhere safe for them to stay. The slight irony of him, a killer who made another mistake last night in trying to do the same to her, finding refuge in a church wasn’t lost on her.

He caught her off guard with his out of the blue comment about personality tests. Apparently he used to do a lot of them back home.

Same.

Her eyes lit up as he accidentally unlocked a common ground between them. Julia absolutely LOVED those tests. She spent many a night or weekend online doing the tests over and over again. Throwing time away by completing every single quiz on Buzzfeed she possibly could.




Well. Some of them were more realistic than others but that was all part of the fun right? 2045 felt like a long time away, she'd be, just about, in her 40s. She'd take that delirious life over a premature demise at the age of 17. Her smile grew as she reminisced on some of those results, making sure to avoid spoons moving forward in this horror movie.

Joshua referenced his Myers-Briggs result and Julia immediately saw the correlation. Of course she had all sixteen personality types memorised and could tell you at the drop of a hat about what each one was. He was an ISFJ, also known as the defender. Dedicated and loyal, ready to defend their loved ones. Despite the occasional blurred line that Joshua crossed, this felt like an accurate representation of the little she knew about him. She really had found a good one.

Her smile was a full-blown beam by this point as she responded to him, “I love those quizzes! I’m an ISTJ, the logistician.”

The quiz had reiterated to her that she was fact-minded and reliable, although the more time she spent in this game the obscured realities made her doubt that statement a little. Each day, no, each hour, was a learning experience for her. Teaching her to be more fluid depending on the situation.

“I think that means that we are compatible," she giggled.

She both laughed and cringed internally as the inference from her comment. Even if she had thought he was cute when she saw him at the furniture store, that was all but a distant memory at this point. Now wasn't the time for that, Julia!! Cautious over his occasional sudden reactions and movements, she felt his calmness and decided it was a good time to find out more about the stranger. It had been a long day of walking, after all.

“What else have we got in common?" She pried, "I would love to learn more about you.” A mix of nerves and assertion in her tone.

Josh liked peas.







During the question of which celebrity from the choices provided you would sleep with, Josh shamefully chose Cristiano Ronaldo, justifying it by saying the female celebrity options weren’t his type. He felt nervous about it and looked around before tapping the screen.










Josh hadn’t been interested in this one and continued scrolling instead, taking the quiz for






Josh hadn’t expected Julia to light up the way she did. If anything, he expected maybe he’d have to explain the Myers-Briggs personality types and then take a guess at which she might be. Maybe she’d think it was silly. But she actually loved those sorts of tests just as much as he did. If she was faking it, she was a very good faker.

"That’s a good one, ISTJ. Though you’re more caring than I usually think when I think of ISTJ."

Josh put his hands in his lap. They were sitting side by side. He let his sitting stance widen a little to what it would normally be. Their knees touched for a moment and he pulled his legs back in. She noted they were compatible types and he was suddenly aware of the fact that he was smiling. He sat up straight, though, at her next statement. He put both hands on his thighs and pushed them down towards his knees. People didn't usually ask him about himself. His nails dug into the denim on his legs.

“Okay,” he said as he exhaled. Josh bumped her playfully with his shoulder. "I’m a midfielder on the lacrosse team. I’m pretty good. It’s kind of the only time I’m — I don’t know… You know about my part-time job. Um… I have four older brothers. They’re all kind of more, well, accomplished I guess. They’re pretty noticeable, so I get noticed less. And I get compared to them a lot. My family’s kind of religious. Well, they say they are. Oh! I have an ant farm."

It turns out that Julia's preferences of avocados, cherries, grapes, kale, lemons, olives, raspberries, tomatoes and ratatouille resulted in her pasta shape being gnocchi. The high octane thrills of the online quiz epidemic.




She took two things from Joshua's part of the dialogue and his body language. Firstly that he said she was caring. Probably not so much of a big deal, but it paired with his rare boyish smile and it being a nice compliment was making her feel a little more giddy. She tried not to over-analyse it but often couldn't help herself. Secondly, his hesitance to talk about himself. The broken sentences, the apparent lack of confidence or recognition for himself. There was a lot in there to digest. Lacrosse wasn't a sport she had ever paid much attention to, so that's probably why she hadn't ever really noticed him before in school.

"Oh! I didn't know you were on the lacrosse team," an air of surprise in her voice. "That's super cool, though. I spent too much time in the pool to ever really go to the games but there's a lot of people really in to that, right?"

What he said about his brothers resonated a lot. Of course there were going to be added layers of complexity given the sheer size of his family - four older brothers is a lot. However, the echo of feeling pale in comparison to a more accomplished older sibling definitely rung true. He brushed it off and moved over it pretty quickly, so she didn't want to pry too much but she felt it was important to tell him she knew how that felt. Especially as ant farms weren't really her thing, even if it was cute how his expression perked up a little as he remembered to mention it.

"Four older brothers? Wow. I'm sorry to hear that people didn't notice you. I guess I... I sort of know how you feel."

Julia looked around to check on the cameras in the church. She knew there was a chance her family may end up seeing some of this and she didn't want it to be perceived negatively. She loved her sister, even if she had to live in her shadow at home and school.

"I only have one older sister. Marina. She's great..." she paused for a second with her eyes looking down. "She's great at everything. Class valedictorian, popular, athletic. Impressive."

She sighed.

"It was tough to try and be seen as equal, you know? I guess I was in her shadow a lot."

She didn't want to impose her thoughts on to him, so left it there. On a surface level it seemed there were some key similarities in their story. It was easier to fade in to the background when the spotlight was never on you. From her own experience, the spotlight was only ever on her had she done something wrong or wasn't as good as Marina. Why would you want attention when you aren't used to getting positive attention.

The religious bit wasn't something she was overly familiar with and from his words seemed a pretty loaded statement. Her grandparents were all very religious and tried to instil that on her and her sisters when they were younger but it never really stuck. Her parents were pretty liberal about it all, as long as they were respectful to other cultures they didn't really mind. When they visited family in Italy they needed to be a little bit more conservative. Her family came from a pretty small village in Emilia-Romagna and basically the entire village was centred around church. It was a little ironic they were now sat in a church. Maybe she should've prayed a little more growing up and her family may have ended up relocating to a different suburb instead. Then none of this would be happening and she would be oblivious to all of this.

"And you have an ant farm? That's... exciting!"

Josh shifted a little where he sat in the rough wooden pew. He lowered his bag and gun to the ground. Josh wanted to be more comfortable while the talked, so he swung his legs onto the bench and scooted down, then laid flat with his head resting on Julia's lap. Josh looked up at her.

“We’re a pretty good team -- lacrosse, I mean. I maybe was thinking about coaching some day but…”

He trailed off rather than conclude the sentence with the obvious.

"Swimming’s cool, though. Seems pretty difficult."

And as it turned out, Julia could relate to him with regard to family, or at the very least siblings.

I know how you feel was what she said. He looked up at her with lips drawn tightly together into a mild frown.

"Marina… I mean, she does sound great. I’m sure she is. But it’s kind of hard to imagine you in someone’s shadow. 'Cause you shine too brightly to be in a shadow." He had a face that wore a look of innocence as he said it, looking at her, looking past her up at the high ceiling of the building that leaned slightly to the right.



What am I doing?


He had a companion who he liked who he spent time pleasantly with. That's what he wanted. And Josh thought, if he had met Julia first would Cassie still be alive? Would they have avoided the entire confrontation? And he never would have gotten mad and killed her? He bit his lip while deep in thought.

He looked up at Julia's neck where her identical collar rested. He was content talking to her and spending time with her.

A split second of fantasy flashed in front of his eyes like a subliminal message in a movie.

He wouldn't take her, but he still wanted her. Wanted to see what her face would look like, what her voice would sound like. And for some reason, he felt like that was how to cement that someone belonged to you.

Josh reflected and he wasn't sure why he thought that. In the regular world and in regular life, that didn't mean someone was yours. It would have sounded preposterous to suggest, and he knew that. No one was owned by anyone. Was it that things were different here on the island? Or was it something about the way he thought about it?

And following that logic, did that mean that he belonged to Shu?

He wasn't sure how he felt about that. Positively and negatively and strangely.

Josh was aware suddenly that he was breathing a little harder than before. He looked away from her and took a deep breath to try and normalize his breathing, disguising it as a sigh.

"Sorry if that was cringey. What I said just now and also, you know, ant farm."

It wasn't easy speaking about the past.

Everything that existed before Monday 6th December 2021 was merely a manifestation of itself at this point. None of it really mattered anymore. Julia had come to terms with that. Instead life materialised as just a hopeless circle. Intermittent grief, occasional suffering, an impending eventuality looming sharply over their heads like a guillotine. A week ago the thought of death had terrified her. And yet, a week later - the longest week of her life - she had made peace with it. Denounced to just a number, being watched by crazy people on the internet. She shuddered at the thought of what they were thinking. They were probably cheering Joshua on, willing him on to kill her too. She trusted he wouldn't, but if hesitated somebody else wouldn't. Whenever it was her time she hoped it was quick and away from the cameras.

Hearing Joshua talk about himself fascinated her. The clear conviction in his actions didn't pair up with the lack of confidence he emitted in those words. He was just an everyday, run-of-the-mill teenage boy. Who liked sports, worked a side-job, studied hard, had family drama like everybody else. And yet if anybody walked through those church doors now all they would see and think of was that he was a murderer. A killer, in cold blood, of three people that a week ago were sat in the same classroom as him. She had fought the internal battle of accepting that fact. In some ways it felt cruel, that she was here in this church relaxing with him, whilst they were no more. Nothing more than a blighted memory for those around them. For decades, his victims families would talk about them with a mix of longing and resentment in equal measure. She could imagine it so vividly. Thirty years from now, their families gathered around the table at Thanksgiving, empty seats representing the loss that they had all faced when their daughters and sisters never made it home from the ski trip. A lifetime of grief and sorrow that was only just about to be birthed.

And yet she didn't resent him. Not like they would. Not like she should. If anything, she actually enjoyed spending time with him.

Did that make her bad as well?

When he first opened that door and walked in to the dormitory with her, she was afraid. Genuinely terrified of who he was, what he was capable of, what he would do to her. Meanwhile less than 24 hours later the same boy lay beside her on the church pew, head on her lap like none of this bad stuff was happening. In some ways it felt like they could've just been back in Salem. She blushed at his compliments, quietly mumbling a thank you in response. He sighed and apologized for being cringey. Being honest with herself, the shining bright line was more than a little cringeworthy. But it was also sweet. His words were soothing like a siren song. A safety blanket as the fires raged around her. Smiling was such a small motion, usually something you do without even thinking, and yet now it felt like something special. She couldn't help but think that it was unlikely she'd have too many more moments of calm like this so wanted to make the most of it whilst it was happening. She craved for a way of stopping time, of being able to continue to relax.

"I can forgive you for the cringe... but I have to draw a line at the ant farm," she joked, smirking down at him.

In so many ways it felt like they could've just been back in Salem. She joined him with a sigh of her own as her smirk turned to a frown.

"D-do you..." She paused for a second before going on.

"Do you ever wonder how things may have been if things were different?" She was apprehensive but felt it important to share her thoughts. "If we had met before this whole thing... I f-feel like maybe we b-both could've done with a friend."

She wished things could've been different.

Julia affirmed he was in fact cringe, and smirked down at him. It was similar to when she’d pointed his gun at him and pretended for a moment she would shoot him. Not in severity, but in essence.

Josh covered his face with his hands and then moved his index and middle finger apart to peak up at her with one eye.

"You're kind of mean," he said, clearly not hurt by the comment. "I -- I think you like teasing me," he said quietly.

She frowned and he took his hands away, hitching up his coat to cover his chest more. He looked seriously up at her as she asked him her question. He considered the answer and felt an unusual sense of sadness that was closer to wistfulness.

"I'm sure that we could have both used a friend, and maybe that friend would have been each other. Leaves in the fall, snow in the winter, flowers in the spring, but with someone. Someone to talk about how your day was. Maybe it would have been awkward at first because we are a little similar, but after a while it wouldn’t have been awkward at all."

It was a fantasy of the simplest, most mundane thing. He paused and looked on the edge of tears before his expression became stern.

"But it wouldn't have happened. The way I was then meant I wouldn't have ever tried to reach out. I would have seen you and would have thought it wasn't worth saying anything, because I would assume you'd just brush me off. Not because of anything about you, but because of how I was. I floated around in the background because that’s how I thought things were, and what it was easiest to do. The role I was supposed to fill. Not everyone is supposed to be the one things happen to. And that's who I was a week ago. Now I'm different, and like I said, I’m better. And if I die as this new person, I think that’s better than living forever as that old person who was walking around like a zombie."

His honesty caught Julia off balance for a few seconds. His growth was visible, his transparency and openness crystal-clear.

She had spent the past five days reflecting on the past, wishing this nightmare had never happened, wallowing in her own self righteousness that she didn't deserve this. Longing to be back home, to be around those she loved, to return to normality. She would surrender everything right now to be back home and be hugged by her mother or father. The sweet melodies of an embrace, the unmistakable feeling of safety.

Whereas the opposite was true for Joshua. He had spent the time finding himself. Learning about himself, changing who he wanted to be and making up for the mistakes of lost time. He had sought to reinvent himself, and be the person he wanted to be. Be different to his former shell. Sure, there were inherent negatives in the reinvention; going around and killing people is not exactly a healthy relationship, but on the other hand in some ways that was him fighting for himself for what sounded like perhaps the first time. He used the opportunity to correct his flaws, or find new ones, and that was admirable in a perplexingly roundabout way.

She tried to ignore the fact that she was overlooking his sins, a spine-chilling irony in her wavering moral compass.

"And if I die as this new person, I think that’s better than living forever as that old person who was walking around like a zombie."

That was what stuck the most. She felt an indescribable numbness inside, almost nausea. Her face tensed up. The maturity he showed was really empowering.

Whilst she sat there uselessly crying to herself about not being good enough, not being strong enough or not being smart enough, he was sat there learning how to be the person he wanted to be. Instead of being the person he was too scared not to be. They both looked on the verge of tears as she looked down at him.

It choked her hard, like she was being strangled by her own destiny. Her eyes opened to the potential that came with not being the same people they were five days ago.

The only words she could utter were, "Thank you." Greeting Joshua with a warm smile, disguising the brewing tears behind her hazel eyes.

Granted, she wasn't fully sure what she was thanking him for. Was it for his chilling honesty and vulnerability? For making her see things in a different way? For teaching her a lesson in being honest with herself?

As the tears started to fall, grazing her rosy cheeks, she moved her arms to pull him off her lap. Extending her arms and wrapping them around his back as she rested her chin on his shoulder. She didn't want him to see her crying.

She was proud of him for being who he never been able to be before.

Thank you. For everything.

[S119 - Julia Guercio - continued in Blind Faith]

Julia pulled him up off her lap and he allowed himself to be maneuvered. She then grabbed him in a hug.

Oh.

After a moment of shock, he quickly wrapped his arms around Julia and held her in a tight hug. She cried into his shoulder, though they couldn’t see each other’s faces now.

"Um, you’re welcome," he said, a bit confused. "I – I didn’t really mean that, that you’re mean," he said quietly, just in case that was the cause of her tears.

But there was something nice about holding her, just as there had been during the night. Maybe she was thanking him for saying that he decided to be more here.

Because maybe she could be more too.

((Josh James continued elsewhere in the same church))