And When I Bite Down, I Don’t Stop Until My Teeth Are Touching

[Gundham]

Even when they were kids, Kitty couldn't take her in a fight. Nowadays, Ash had cheerleading, sports, martial arts. Training that made skipping backwards to dodge Kitty's kick automatic, a matter of pure instinct. Good thing, too. If she'd connected, Ash probably would have gone down like a house of cards in a stiff breeze.

She shook her head as Kitty begged her to stop. No, no. Not this time. "You really mean it, Kitty? You'll win? Even if it means you have to kill Kai? California?"

Her eyes locked onto Kitty's. She took a step forward.

"And me?"

[VoltTurtle]

Katelyn froze up as she met Ash's gaze, as though she was staring down a bear in the woods.

She knew what Ash wanted to hear, but they both knew she would never hurt them, and she was always a terrible liar.

"F-Friends," she stammered, reciting her mom's words to her all those years ago. "Friends d-don't... hurt... fr-"

She was interrupted by Ash's fist slamming into her face, sending her back to the ground.

[Gundham]

The impact sent a shockwave down Ash's arm. She shook out her hand. Her entire arm was stinging, and she came perilously close to letting it show in her face.

"They're not your friends, Kitty!" she snapped. "They're gonna get you killed! I'm gonna get you killed! Don't you see that!?"

She breathed in and out. She was panting now. It felt harder to draw breath. Physical exertion. Her injuries. Could have been either causing it. But she wasn't gonna last much longer, not in her condition. Every hit she landed seemed to hit her back with twice the force. Damn it. If she wanted this to count, if she wanted any of this to matter, then she was gonna have to figure out a workaround.

"Damn it, Kitty! I'm trying to fucking help you and you're not..."

She looked around. Her bag was lying there. The double-bladed haladie was still rammed into it at an awkward angle. Juanita had had it originally, but she'd traded it to Ash for the naginata. Yeah, maybe she could use that. Up the stakes. Push Kitty over the brink.

"You don't... You don't even know what kind of people are out there, Kitty. You think those friendships count for something, but they don't! They don't mean shit. I... I watched someone stab his girlfriend in the face, and she stabbed him back, right in the fucking heart. I was there! Watched him bleed out. Your friends... You don't know anything. You're... You're so fucking stupid sometimes..."

She shook her head. Turned and walked towards the bag.

"You never... You never fucking listen. And... fine. If you don't want to listen... then I'll make you."

[VoltTurtle]

Katelyn writhed in agony as Ash ranted at her, clutching her right eye as it swelled completely shut. Her whole body was trembling, with adrenaline or rage, she didn't know at this point. There was part of her that wanted to comment on the irony of Ash helping her by beating her within an inch of her life. Why couldn't she see that her way of helping only ever ended up hurting Katelyn in the end, now more literally than ever?

Heaving and nauseous, Katelyn tried to push herself up. Her nerves were alight, pain shooting through her with every motion, nearly causing her to succumb. Stars danced in her vision as her ears rung louder than ever, blood rushing through to her head. In spite of it all, she forced herself to one knee, not yet able to fully stand.

She glared with one eye at Ash's back, that smoldering flame of rage growing ever bigger, brighter, and hotter. She hadn't felt this way about her sister for a very, very long time. She remembered every punch, every kick, every insult, every accusation, and suddenly she was a kid again, trying and failing to understand why her sister despised her so much. The uneasy peace they had between them had collapsed into all-out war all over again, and the same thought she had over and over all those years in the past came to the forefront of her mind.

Make her pay.

The hunter snarled, and its hand went for the hilt of the knife, almost drawing the blade, but then Katelyn stopped and released her grip. There was a war inside her head as much as outside, and whatever remained of her conscience was trying its best to reign her in, and steer the ship away from the incoming disaster. It had been a mistake to stay, but there still had to be another way.

"Grr, j-just, shut up!" she screeched and begged. "Shut up! I don't want this!"

[Gundham]

It's not about what you want, Kitty.

Ash made it to the bag. Picked up the haladie.

"You don't want this? Well, tough. You don't always get what you want. I wanted a normal sister. I wanted a normal life. I wanted my Mom and Dad to care about me, I wanted them to pay attention to me, and I wanted them to be fucking alive, and I didn't get any of that because you couldn't fucking be normal! All anybody in our lives ever cares about is you. Do you understand that? Everything is always about you, all the time! You act like a freak and then you cry because people treat you like one. You play the victim so that everybody around you has to constantly bow and scrape to keep you from having a meltdown. And now we're out here, and you killed seven people, and all of them wanted to be alive, and you're sitting there telling me that you're not going to finish the job. You're just gonna take their lives and then do nothing with your own. Do you... Do you even know how fucked up that is?"

She took a long, shuddering breath. Her guts were hurting now. The pain meds were wearing off. Or she had made everything worse by Hulking out on Kitty. Probably both. "You never... You never fucking listen, Kitty. You get stuck in your head, and you don't hear a word. You don't understand anything, and you think you do, and then you scream and you cry and I have to deal with it. And it's so fucking frustrating."

Her face was getting red. She was trembling from head to foot. "Well... I'm done dealing with it. You want me to say I'm sorry that I hit you... to be sorry that I hit you. But I'm not. I hit you because you were a pain in the ass! Because I was tired of dealing with you! Because I was sick of being the villain on every fucking episode of The Kitty Show! But you know what I am sorry for? I'm sorry that I was tired of you being my problem. I'm sorry that I couldn't be some saint who took all of your bullshit, then smiled and asked for more. And I'm sorry that Mom didn't have an abortion, that Dad didn't like oral, or for whatever cosmic fuck-up caused you to be born in the first place."

Without turning around, she lifted her arm, displaying the haladie. The edge of it caught one of the flashlight beams. It glittered, like it was slicing up the light itself into a bunch of little points. "There... You've got your apology. If you don't want to win... don't. Just fucking don't. Because I want to win, Kitty. I'll fucking kill you to win. In three seconds, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. In three seconds, I'm gonna turn around, and I'm gonna chop you into bits, just like one of your shitty drawings. But if... If you want to live... then you're gonna have to do what it takes to win."

Yeah, it's not about what you want. It's about what you need. You need to win. You need to be strong enough to beat everyone else out there. I'd have helped you if I could, but not any more. I'm dying, right here, whether you like it or not. I'm dying today, and I would already be dead but you couldn't fucking let me go when it would have been easy and soft. But you couldn't let go.

"One..."

You dragged me here, because you think you need to hear me apologize for things I've already spent years trying to atone for. You said you tried to kill yourself, because of me. But that's not the whole story. Because you didn't kill yourself. You could have tried again, if you really wanted to. But even with me still there in your life, even without an apology, you kept on living. You beat me, and all the other dark voices in your head. That's who you are. You're strong. And you want to win. You want to be alive. I can see it, even if you're pretending otherwise.

"Two..."

But the fact is, you made this harder than it had to be, on both of us. You can't let your friends go, and you can't let me go, because you think you know how the world works. You think all those stupid rules and norms apply, but they don't. You don't see what I see. You don't understand what I understand. And you never will unless I show you. So I'm helping you, speaking your language the only way I know how. Making you angry. Making it easier to do let go, so you won't miss me when I'm gone. Making it so you can do this, and whatever else it takes to win. It's not much. But it's all I have left to give you.

"Three."

[VoltTurtle]

Was this really how Ash had felt about her this whole time?

Katelyn listened to every word of her sister's rant. Every single jab cut her deep, threatened to rip what was left of her resolve apart. Her whole life, all that she had ever wanted out of Ash was for the two of them to get along. She had wanted her sister to be one of her friends. It had felt like they had been on their way there too, but now she understood how Ash really felt. They never could've been friends. They could only ever have been bitter enemies.

Her good eye widened as she saw the blade, and realized that Ash wasn't playing around anymore. Her throat closed up, despair washing over and engulfing her. It threatened to drown her, force her to lay down and allow Ash to slice her to ribbons. She deserved worse than that by this point anyway, right? At least this ending was suitably tragic, leaving her as a casualty of her bully big sister, unable to truly stand up for herself even when her life depended on it.

Yet, in defiance of her despair, a different feeling unconsciously guided her hand back to the hilt of the knife. That vicious, spiteful fire within kept her burning even as the world tried to put her out. This whole time, it had been there, feeding itself on all her anger and sorrow, waiting for its moment. In another time, another place, she could have simply suppressed it entirely and moved on with her life, but in this time, and in this place? All of it was ready to come out.

She refused to be a victim to anyone anymore.

As Ash got to her countdown, Katelyn's hand closed around the hilt, and drew the knife from its sheathe with a shnk.

She hadn't wanted this, but if her sister was so intent on dying, then fine. Katelyn had made up her mind.

Claws out.

One.

Katelyn forced herself to her feet, in spite of her body's protests, and brought the blade to bear.

Two.

There was no reason to hold back anymore. She would take it all: every time she had cried, every bruise and ache, every panic attack, every piece of her broken heart, every wasted day, and every lonely night she spent wishing she had never been born. She would take every bit of pain she had ever felt, and let it all out.

She adjusted her aim, and rushed forward.

Three.

Slamming into Ash, she sunk the blade all the way up to the hilt into her sister's back. Blood gushed from the wound as both of them plummeted to the ground, slamming into the cold, hard floor, and leaving Katelyn on top for the first time in her life. Berserk tears streamed down her face, and she shrieked at Ash, her voice breaking.

"I HATE YOU."

She twisted the knife, and sniffled, hands trembling.

"I. Hate. You."

[Gundham]

CRACK!

Her face smashed into the floor. She hadn't made any attempt to stop the fall or brace herself. Her nose broke, and something in her cheek broke too. Blood ran down her lips and chin. She didn't feel any of it, because of the fire in her back. Kitty was on top of her pressing the knife down. Her weight gave a grim inevitability to the blade, like the gravity of the whole universe was drawing it down through her unresisting flesh and into the ground.

Kitty was screaming at her. Finally letting out all of her hate. Carving her away, cutting all the bad things out. The knife twisted, slicing, tearing something vital. Ash's body spasmed, and she let out a faint, strangled cry.

Good. The suffering was almost done.

The knife kept cutting. Wet sounds.

Ash hadn't apologized. Not because she hated Kitty, but because there just wasn't an apology big enough. There weren't the words to mean it enough.

What she'd screamed at Kitty had only been half the truth. In reality, she didn't know. Didn't know why she'd hated Kitty so much. Didn't know why she always wanted to hit her, and scream at her, and treat her like shit. She just... did. Because she wanted to. Because she was just so, so angry all the time. Because the present was never what it should have been, and it hurt, and it never stopped hurting; because she needed somewhere to put her pain, and beating it into Kitty made her feel better when nothing else did. Because Kitty was a safe outlet, someone she could always win against, someone who'd always be smaller and weaker and lesser. Could've been any of those things, or all of them.

Ash didn't have an excuse for any of that shit. She'd done what she'd done. And in the end, it didn't matter why. Because the fact was, it happened. It was part of their history, forever and always.

Ash's palms slapped down onto the floor. It was cold, and they were cold. Practically lifeless. Her muscles tensed, summoning that last shred of energy. Making the last moment count.

You couldn’t erase the past, you could only keep slapping a thin layer of the present on top of it and hope that one day you wouldn't be able to see it bleeding through anymore.

And you never stopped being an abuser, not really. The best you could be was an abuser who chose not to abuse anybody today. And you'd do it today after today after today after today until you'd done it for a week and a month and a year. But you'd still be what you were. You'd still have done what you'd done. And how the fuck were you supposed to deal with that? Yeah, Kitty suffered. But Ash suffered, too, in her own way. Hurt people hurt other people. Didn't make it right. Only made it true.

She pushed up, suddenly, bucking Kitty off to the side and onto the floor. Rolled over to match her. Got one arm around her, tight. A sloppy semblance of a hug.

There was no way to make this right. There was no way to be a good sister now. No way to rewrite those old memories. She couldn't say or do anything here that'd slap a nostalgic filter on and brighten up the shadows on their childhoods. So she went the other way. Turned it so dark that Kitty'd reject her entirely, that there wouldn't be any pain. She'd look back on this and think that Ash deserved it, that Ash was a bitch and a monster right until the end, and that she'd done nothing wrong by ending her. She'd be bold and empowered, she'd have killed the thing that lurked under the bed and then she'd know, really know, that she was strong enough to go out and kill all the rest of the monsters out there. The only gift that she could give her. The only way to twist this last moment of their interwined history up towards the light, to find some glimmer of hope among the ashes.

Blood ran down her face, bubbled at the corners of her lips. She buried her head in Kitty's shoulder, her eyes shut tight. Letting the darkness in.

She only managed one word, before the shadows took her.

"Win."

[Gundham]

S112 - Ashlyn Graves, Deceased

[VoltTurtle]

Katelyn yelped when Ash bucked her off, surprised that her sister still had the strength to fight back. When Ash grabbed her, Katelyn flinched at the sudden attack, and started to shove her away. Then, she said the word.

"Win."

And Katelyn watched as Ash's body went limp.

For some time, Katelyn remained frozen in place, too shocked to move or even breathe, staring at what remained of her sister.

She felt Ash's arm still wrapped around her, resting on her back, and the horrible truth began to dawn on her.

That hadn't been an attack. It had been a hug.

Her hands trembled. None of this made any sense. Why hug her? Why hug her after being stabbed? Why hug her after saying all those horrible things?

Eventually, Katelyn was able to force out a mousey, terrified call that she knew would get no response.

"Ash?"

Her breathing picked back up, and she went from holding her breath to hyperventilating.

"Ash?!"

Regret poured over her, burning her like hot oil. With clenched teeth, she grabbed her sister and started to shake her, frantically scanning her for any sign of life.

"ASH?!"

Yet there was nothing. She knew there would be nothing, but she wouldn't forgive herself if she didn't try.

"Y-You..."

The pieces fell into place, and the puzzle began to resemble something she recognized. Ash planned this. Ash had set her up, and she took the bait. She had let her emotions get the better of her, and now she had ruined everything, again. Just like she always did.

Her whole family was dead, all because she had the audacity to be born.

"Wh-why..?"

Fresh, hot teardrops streamed down her face, falling into and mixing with the expanding pool of still-warm blood that was seeping into her clothes. She let out a frustrated, miserable growl, shoved Ash away, and started weakly punching her sister's shoulder.

"Y-You st- stupid... bitch!"

Her punching grew more frantic and forceful, as if she hit Ash hard enough, then Ash would wake up and hit her back.

"Wh- why c-couldn't you j-just... h- help me l-like a n-normal person?"

Her final words to her sister had been a declaration of hate. Ash had died thinking that Katelyn hated her, but that wasn't true. Not completely, anyway. Katelyn's real feelings were far more complicated and messy than that. Yet, she had succumbed to a moment of weakness, and now the worst parts of her would be her only legacy.

"A-Ash, I'm- I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'm-"

Her words fell on deaf ears. She would never be able to apologize.

She was such a horrible person.

Katelyn's hands went up to cover her face, and let out a mournful wail, all hope drained from her.

"I'm sorry," she whined between sobs. "I'm s-so sorry..."

She bit into her lip harder than she ever had before, not stopping until the pain was unbearable, letting the feeling be her punishment for everything she had done. If Ash was still here, no doubt she would have admonished Katelyn for doing that to herself. Now, thanks to her, Ash would never be able to chastise her again, and she could freely torture herself without judgement. After all, she deserved so much worse.

With nothing more she could do, Katelyn returned her dead sister's hug, and loudly cried into her chest.

[backslash]

There were few words exchanged between Kai and Marshall before they split off at the tunnel entrance outside the quarters building. That was for the best, really, but Kai did pause before leaving him to say one thing.

"I'm sorry. For everything."

((Kai Rosado-Prince continued from Me & Cinderella))

It was a relief to be out of the window and snow at least briefly. Kai had to take what comfort in it that he could, knowing that he was going to be back out in it probably in the middle of the night. His stomach hadn't stopped turning flips since he, Cali, and Marshall settled on a course of action. He needed to eat at some point, but he didn't think he'd be able to. Just thinking about it made him feel nauseous again.

He descended the basement stairs quietly, stowing the shotgun back in his bag and exchanging it for his flashlight. A sound caught his ears as he carefully picked his way around broken furniture and ducked beneath ceiling beams, making his way slowly to where he and Kitty had been camped. Unconsciously, he quieted his movements and breathing and cocked his head to the side to listen.

Someone- no, not someone. Kitty, unmistakably. Kitty was crying. Kai's heart sank further.

He'd figured that something would probably happen with Ash while he was out, of course. Just not the bloodbath that his flashlight landed on when he followed the sound back to Kitty.

Kai froze, shocked into silence for an endless moment. He stood with his flashlight trained on Kitty.

On Ash's body.

And stared.

[VoltTurtle]

When Kai's flashlight beam fell upon her, Katelyn stared up at him with her unblackened eye like a deer in headlights. After an uncomfortably long and silent exchange of looks, Katelyn remembered how to move, and pushed Ash's already-stiff arm off of her and sat up, wiping her face on her mostly blood-free sleeve. Pain throbbed in her eye and jaw, but she ignored it to the best of her ability.

"Kai," she sniffled, "Kai, she- she attacked me."

Despite telling the truth, she already sounded defensive, speaking like a child who was about to be scolded. Even though it was true, even though she bore the extremely obvious marks of Ash's attack, she still couldn't trust that Kai would actually believe her. How far apart had they fallen in these few short days?

"I tr-tried to talk her down, but she- she wouldn't stop, and," she sobbed, unsure of how to explain the absolute disaster that had just unfolded. "She f-forced me to do i-it. She s-said she was going to k-kill me."

She shut her eye and curled in on herself, tightening into a small, frightened ball. Despite her best efforts to remain composed, she started crying again, unable to discern if it was from guilt or shame. If Kai hadn't already begun to hate her before, surely he would now.

"I'm sorry," she cried, not knowing who she was even saying that to.

[backslash]

It sounded like an excuse. Kai still believed her.

Maybe not if it had been anybody else. Any other two people. The whole time he was gone, he'd even convinced himself that Ash wouldn't have anything malicious left in her. She'd looked like she was on death's doorstep.

But Kitty's battered face told a story that words didn't, and Kai was a sucker for that story every time. Everything that he'd been carrying on his shoulders fell away for a moment as he finished picking through the debris to come to Kitty's side.

"Hey," he said softly. There was a catch in his voice as he tried to sort out whether to be gentle or conciliatory or what. Kept his eyes on Kitty's back as he crouched by her instead of looking at Ashlyn in a heap right there. Carefully like he was reaching out to a frightened feral animal, he hovered a hand over Kitty's back. Close enough that she could feel it, but not actually touching yet.

"Hey, breathe. We need to- get you cleaned up." He didn't know what else to say. What could he say? He'd come in with the plan weighing him down and his mind was still numb with shock over what he'd walked back in on.

All he could do was fall into routine. Patch up the wounds and clean up the mess. Sort out later when it was later.

[VoltTurtle]

Katelyn felt Kai's presence close in on her and she flinched, almost expecting him to yell at her again, but the softness of his voice made her relax just a bit. He seemed to believe her? That, she hadn't been expecting, but maybe they had further to fall, still.

Abruptly, Katelyn pulled Kai into an embrace, hugging him hard and pressing her face against his chest.

"I-I'm such a st-stupid fuck-up," she choked, coughing as she tried to keep her throat clear.

She squeezed him even tighter, in the vain hope that his closeness would make the growing, gnawing void in her chest go away.

"I'm s-sorry," she sniffled. "I- I'm sorry for b-being a b-bad fr-friend. I'm s-sorry f-for being a bad p-person."

A mix of her tears and Ash's blood stained his jacket as she gasped and buried her face into his chest, careful only to avoid agitating her black eye any further.

"I'm s-so sorry," she whined, muffled. "I tr-tried to be b-better."

[backslash]

Kai grunted in surprise when Kitty grabbed him, but it was easy to give into reflex and return her embrace. "Okay," he murmured over and over. "Okay. It's okay."

It wasn't okay. Nothing had been okay for the last eight days, and nothing would ever be okay again. But it was the easiest thing to say.

"Remember to breathe, okay? Deep breaths." He glanced up over Kitty's head at Ashlyn's body. The knife was buried almost hilt-deep in her back. Wasn't it just like Ash, to have one last nasty surprise in store?

He wanted to move. Get Kitty cleaned up, get Ashlyn sorted out. Do something about the mess. Kai wanted to do anything but just sit here, but Kitty's hold on him was iron. She squeezed him, and a vice squeezed his heart. Even as he wanted to be angry. Was angry in some distant, meaningless way. It didn't matter right now.

He wanted to get up, but he just kept sitting there and holding Kitty, waiting for the crying to stop.

[VoltTurtle]

Deep breaths, just like Kai said. Long, staggered breaths in and out. Katelyn squeezed him, nuzzled her face against him, letting his words be her mantra. In and out, breath after breath, she felt the tension leave her body, like engine exhaust out of a car. The ache didn't go away, but that visceral, overwhelming sadness finally did.

For the first time since they had arrived in this place, Kai felt like he was there for her, just like he had always been before. Yet, she couldn't shake the feeling in the pit of her stomach that this relative peace couldn't last. She had felt more than heard the anger in his voice after what happened with Derek and Chiara. The tension between them hadn't gone away because she had committed yet another murder. He might be comforting her now, but if there was one lesson she had learned better than any other, it was that her life always had the potential to get worse.

One last time, she rubbed her face against him, and finally let go. Everything felt colder in the absence of his warmth, and she drooped like a wilting flower, once more shrinking in on herself. For a moment, though, she found the courage to ask the question that had been in the back of her mind ever since they got out of the tunnels.

"Do you hate me now, after everything I've done?"

Her throat tightened up. She couldn't dare meet his eyes.