Name: Claire Haig
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Creative writing, literature, video games, movies, television, graphic design, history, politics.
Appearance: Claire Haig is an above-average height for her gender, at approximately 5'11'. Claire weighs about 185 lbs, placing her narrowly within the ideal weight range for someone of her size and build. Her excess fat is distributed evenly across her body and does not concentrate in any single area. Her arms display the rough patches and small, red, acne-like bumps on the skin consistent with and typical of the condition keratosis pilaris. Claire is white and has pale, fair skin with warm undertones.
Claire has a strong figure, a rectangular shape with broad shoulders and long arms and legs. However, she is not fit and in mediocre condition due to a life-long lack of interest and discomfort with physical activity. While Claire is not entirely out of shape, she often has to take physical activities more slowly than those around her due to a lack of energy, frequent aches, and the decreased muscle tone that results from hypotonia in infancy.
Claire is always somewhat slouched due to both a sedentary lifestyle and frequent minor pain in her back. Claire's body is restless and often in motion. She exhibits habits when otherwise idle, such as tapping her feet or fingers, bouncing a leg, or clicking the cap of a pen in her hands. Claire's fingernails are short and uneven due to a nervous habit of nail-biting and clipping that has gone unbroken her entire life. These habits increase in frequency or intensity when she is stressed or agitated.
Claire has a mixture of soft and angular facial features. She has a long, oval-shaped face. Her facial skin is generally smooth and featureless but accented with minor scarring from a history of severe genetic acne. Due to the acne's treatment resistance, she underwent an isotretinoin regimen for five months, and her skin is clear as a result. She has a straight nose, prominent but not overly large, which sits squarely in the center of her face. Her eyes are almond-shaped and possess a bluish-grey color, and are bright to a striking extent. Below her eyes, she often has large dark spots and eye bags due to a perpetual lack of sleep. She has thin, pink lips, which are usually dry as a result of infrequent hydration.
Claire has long, straight, dark golden blonde hair which reaches down to her lower back. It is a simple, unstyled part to the right of the center of her head. The front-left side hangs over the corresponding side of her face and is the only part not to fall across her back, while the front-right side is usually tucked behind her ear and joins the rest of her hair around her shoulder. Claire has slightly thick, close, rounded eyebrows of the same color as her hair. Claire's face is kept clean-shaven due to her extreme discomfort with facial hair, while her body is kept devoid of hair through the application of chemical depilatory cream. She practices good hygiene.
Claire's voice is relatively deep compared to most of her female peers and more closely resembles the voices of her male classmates. As a result, she often feels uncomfortable speaking in front of others. Claire has a naturally loud voice, which is displayed most prominently when she is excited or frustrated. Claire suffers from mild rhotacism and, as a result, has difficulty with the pronunciation of rhotic sounds. Concerted effort and practice have, however, caused the speech impediment to be less noticeable as time goes on.
Claire dresses conservatively as a result of problems with her self-image. At school, her usual style consists of a simple t-shirt or long-sleeved shirt with a front-left pocket, a pair of sweat pants or jeans, over-the-calf socks, and a hoodie to hide her figure. When at work or in public outside of school, Claire prefers to dress more formally, often wearing button-down shirts and linen slacks, and in Winter, she will add a worn overcoat that once belonged to her father. Claire only wears one type of shoe, black laceless sneakers, heavily worn from age and frequent use. Claire currently wears a pair of Nunn Bush Conway slip-on sneakers. Claire is nearsighted, and as a result, has prescription glasses to help her see at long distances. However, she feels little need to wear them most of the time and only chooses to do so on special occasions. Her glasses are rectangular, with metal frames and green temples. Since the COVID-19 pandemic began, Claire has regularly worn face masks. Even as restrictions have loosened, a combination of health concerns and self-consciousness have caused her to continue wearing them.
On the day of the abduction, she wore a white buttoned dress shirt made with a cotton-linen blend, a pair of black linen pants, over-the-calf socks, the worn black overcoat, Nunn Bush Conway slip-on-sneakers, her prescription glasses, and a black mask with an orange floral design.
Biography: Claire Haig was born Zachary Haig in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on October 2nd, 2003, to Wilson Haig Jr. and Bethan Cleary. The two of them were married, though Bethan chose to keep her surname. At the time, the two of them lived in Cadiz, Ohio, on a homestead owned by other members of Bethan's family. They chose to live there due to their hopes for an idyllic country lifestyle and their shared love of natural beauty.
While they lived in Cadiz, Wilson was unemployed, though he presently works at Guitar Center in Los Angeles. Bethan, a veterinarian by profession, presently works at a research non-profit in Lexington. Economically, the family has always been near the bottom threshold of the lower-middle class, too wealthy to receive government aid but not wealthy enough to have a secure living.
Claire was both wanted and planned for by her parents. However, they were surprised that Claire would be born male, as they had prepared to have a female child. Claire was born prematurely by five weeks and experienced a variety of health problems as a result. The first of these was meconium aspiration at birth, which necessitated her resuscitation by hospital medical personnel. The second was arrhythmia, which caused her to receive a heart monitor. The third was hypotonia, which ensured a delay in her developmental milestones. Claire was kept in the hospital for several weeks following her birth to ensure no further complications arose, during which Bethan made daily visits to see her.
After Claire was allowed to go home with her parents, her infancy was relatively ordinary. Her heart monitor was removed eight months after her birth, as there were no extraordinary cardiac events at the time. Claire did, however, reach milestones later than other children. Her decreased muscle tone impacted both her gross motor skills and fine motor skills, and she learned to speak later than her peers. Despite this, Claire was able to reach the same level of competency as her fellow peers.
Claire's parents, over time, began to see moving away from Cadiz as a necessity. While they loved the scenic rural environment, the isolation and concerns over Claire's education eventually led them to seek other options. The process concluded when Bethan received a job offer from a biotechnological corporation based in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The family relocated to a nearby town, with the financial assistance of the corporation, and soon moved again to Lunenburg, another village in the vicinity, which is where Claire began her education.
Claire had a relatively uneventful time in preschool and primary school, but this began to change as she entered elementary school in third grade. Claire's speech impediment and difficulty understanding social situations resulted in mockery, while her physical weakness and short temper solidified her as both an easy and entertaining target to bullies. She responded to bullying by lashing out verbally and, when hurt, physically, though she was always weaker than those who targeted her. Due to the young age of all involved, it was not viewed particularly seriously by figures of authority, though Claire often felt upset and saddened by her status as an outsider. Academically, however, Claire shined, as she took quickly to her work and had little trouble maintaining good grades.
From a young age, Claire had a love of literature. Bethan often read books to her, with classics such as J. R. R. Tolkien's The Hobbit and Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island serving as a gateway into literature for her. Claire developed both a strong vocabulary and an ability to read quickly at a young age. She was able to absorb and retain the information in books and stories easily. As a young child, her favorite books consisted of those about prehistoric life, ancient civilizations, and fantastical creatures, in addition to informative pop-up books about topics such as the burial of Egyptian pharaohs or the anatomy of the human body. Over time, Claire's taste in books has shifted towards classic literature. She often prefers books set in the real world, especially those with darker themes, and her favorite way to listen to them is through audiobooks so that she can work as she listens to them. Currently, her favorite stories include Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island, William Golding's Lord of the Flies, and Bram Stoker's Dracula.
Claire, from an early age, also developed an interest in video games. While her first console was for educational video games, she soon acquired more, on which she played games such as the Pokémon franchise and Mario Kart DS. Claire was often allowed to play games above her age rating at a young age. Her mother saw little harm in fantasy games, and Claire was able to justify games set in historical settings as being, to some extent, educational. Bethan did, however, draw the line at modern weaponry, excessive violence, and sexual content. These relatively loose constrictions allowed Claire to explore the world of video games relatively unimpeded while still preventing her from obtaining games with objectionable content. To help her maintain attention, she streams games on Discord for friends to watch. Currently, she is playing through Dark Souls, Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, and Resident Evil 6. Her favorite games of all time include the Pokémon franchise and The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
Claire also enjoyed watching movies and television. Her mother, a fan of anime, raised her on Studio Ghibli movies, and she grew up watching anime such as Pokémon, Soul Eater, Baccano!, and One Piece. Claire also enjoyed watching educational documentaries and particularly Chased by Dinosaurs and Chased by Sea Monsters. Currently, Claire enjoys an eclectic variety of media. Her favorite shows primarily consist of old favorites such as Pokémon and Baccano!, but she often tries watching new shows. Claire still watches documentaries, though more often multi-part television shows such as Dirty Money. Her favorite movies include those she watched as a child, such as Studio Ghibli films and recent discoveries such as Heat and The Thing.
When Claire was eight, a series of layoffs began at her mother's workplace after a corporate takeover, which resulted in Bethan losing her job. While her work was the primary source of income for the family, the severance package she received allowed them to maintain stable finances as she searched for a new job. In the meantime, her relative freedom allowed her to bond further with Claire.
As Claire entered middle school, her situation at school worsened. While Claire remained academically sound, mild problems arose in her education. She had trouble making calculations due to difficulties with mental mathematics. Her attention span was also very irregular, having difficulty focusing on some tasks while fixating intensely on others. Claire also continued to have a poor grasp of social situations and often had trouble connecting with those around her as a result. She also developed depressive symptoms and thoughts of self-harm. Claire was too distrustful and afraid to confide in others and instead chose to suppress and hide them. As a result, she gradually slid into utter misery as they went unaddressed and worsened.
Her social relationships remained confined to a single friend group of people with similar tastes in video games. Many of her peers continued to shun Claire, and while they no longer mocked or belittled her outright, they continued to spread insults behind her back. This negative sentiment even spread to one of the school's teachers, which became a problem when a series of discussions culminated in an incident at a meeting between Claire's parents and school faculty. During this meeting, the sincerity of the information reported and provided by this teacher was not accurate and became disputed. Ultimately, her parents decided to transfer Claire to a different school, though they did not fully complete the process before the circumstances changed.
Over time, the relationship between Wilson and Bethan began to decline. While the two of them had been married for many years, financial tension and disputes over Wilson's infrequent employment had caused cracks to form in their relationship. Claire hated the pressure that the arguments between them caused, and her home soon grew stressful to her. Eventually, they mutually agreed to separate. Wilson moved to California, while Bethan continued to reside in Lunenburg with Claire. While this separation was initially amicable, financial disputes led to a difficult divorce where a dispute over the division of financial assets occurred. The custody of Claire was never in question, as both agreed that she should remain with Bethan.
Bethan had, in 2016, left a job at a veterinary clinic due to a combination of work-related stress, ethical concerns regarding pricing, and a desire to return to the research industry. She had taken a job with a non-profit research laboratory in Lexington, but the commute was long, and, as a divorced single parent, paying for the mortgage and upkeep on their aging home was difficult. She ultimately decided to sell their house in Lunenburg and move to one in Salem, which was simultaneously closer to her work and cheaper to maintain.
Claire was devastated by the change in her environment. She lost her only remaining friends and the comfort of her childhood home and had to relocate to an unfamiliar city that was different from anywhere she had ever lived. In addition, Claire's mental health, already poor, began to worsen due to issues with her self-image and a growing self-loathing regarding her physical appearance. Claire retreated further into her online communities, as her poor social skills, lack of confidence, and abysmal self-esteem made it hard to interact with her new peers. Claire spent the remainder of middle school adjusting to her change in environment.
Around the time of the 2016 presidential election, Claire also began to gain an interest in politics and, by extension, the history that contextualized them. While she was once a social democrat, she has drifted further to the left as she grew more knowledgeable about politics and government. As she has become more informed, however, she has also become more pessimistic. Claire often does not believe that the political system will change for the better and has lost faith in the government's ability to help the people. While she hopes for improvements in society, she sometimes doubts that they will ever happen. Despite this, Claire is passionate about change. Her stubborn nature and tenacity become apparent when she is debating politics, as she will not back down or concede unless confronted with evidence that she is wrong.
Claire's newfound interest in politics, as well as a growing fascination with strategy games, led her to become interested in the topic of history and alternate history. She found herself intrigued by how historical events occurred and how seemingly minor events could produce substantial results. She decided to join an alternate history mod for Hearts of Iron IV, a strategy game she often played, and began to practice making artwork for the game. She practiced making this art for a long time until she was eventually considered good enough to join the mod's development team as an artist. The interest she held in the mod led Claire to discover multiple hobbies. However, she did not remain on this mod permanently, and her activity declined over time as she became more invested in her other interests and projects. Eventually, she parted with the team after several weeks of bare-minimum work.
Claire first encountered political simulation through the mod's Discord community. She joined one server on a whim and had fun with the experience of writing alternate history through the perspective of a nation or an individual politician, as well as the collaborative writing elements. She eventually joined a roleplaying community that catered to these interests. However, Claire's enjoyment of political simulation decreased gradually because of an increase in the community's toxicity. While she could previously ignore the toxic elements, they became too prevalent for Claire to feel comfortable as a community member. Eventually, she began to stop participating in this community's simulations, as she was tired of putting her effort into something that no longer brought her joy.
The second of these interests was graphic design. As an artist for the mod, she started by colorizing black and white photos and creating small icons. Eventually, she also began to work on menus and GUIs. She discovered that she had a passion not just for working as an artist for a mod but in digital artwork as a whole. She enjoyed the fulfillment of having everything in a design look how she wanted it to and would obsessively change details until she was satisfied with her work. Claire still makes digital art, principally logo designs, for projects such as roleplays or alternate history. However, she does so less often than she did in the past, as she has no active project that requires her skills in these areas. As a result, she is not as well-practiced as she would like.
As Claire entered high school, she began to open up more to her new peers. Claire was surprised that both the staff and other students were more welcoming and accepting of her and has since gained some friends among her peers, primarily those who share her hobbies and interests. Despite this, Claire felt incredibly unhappy in the early stages of high school. Her self-image problems worsened, and while she attempted to exercise and improve her body, they never seemed to go away. Eventually, with the help of friends online, and after several months of denial, Claire concluded that her self-image issues were likely a result of gender dysphoria. This fact was kept secret by Claire, who did not believe her peers or parents would accept her.
Claire still harbored a love of creating writing and, without political simulations, began to seek other ways to apply her writing experience and appreciation of literature. While browsing the internet, she discovered Law of the Jungle, a Lord of the Flies-inspired collaborative writing forum. Claire had seen the pages for the websites once previously, and this time decided to read further and quickly became interested. The high school setting, focus on survival in the face of mortality, emphasis on teamwork and co-operation, and high level of writing skill appealed to her. Soon, she joined both the forum and associated Discord server. Claire is an active participant in the community and views her fellow members as friends, and often participates in community events such as live streams and movie nights.
As time went on, it became impossible for Claire to remain silent about her struggles with gender dysphoria. Early in her senior year, Claire came out as transgender to her mother and peers, though she has not come out to her father or her mother's extended family. Claire's coming-out was received more positively than at first expected, and few people changed their opinions of her as a result. She hopes to begin professional gender counseling soon, and from there, voice training and eventually hormone replacement therapy.
Claire's relationship with her family is good but at times complicated. She and her mother have a positive relationship. However, it is not perfect, as the two of them sometimes have major arguments over relatively minor details. She and her father are distant and only speak via infrequent phone calls. She and her mother's extended family are close, but not as much as Claire would like, and she and her father's family have little to no contact.
Socially, Claire is closer with others than she has been in the past. While most of her friends are from the writing sites she partakes in, she is not as isolated in real life as she once was. Claire has several friends at school due to mutual interests and enjoys being around them, though she prefers to spend time with them outside of school or through Discord. Claire is polite and kind to those around her and has a reputation for being a good person, but somewhat distant and odd. The exception to this is those who treat her disrespectfully, for whom she has little tolerance or patience. She prefers to be around those who are unkind to her for as little time as possible and will not hesitate to argue back in a verbal confrontation.
Romantically, Claire primarily develops feelings for other girls and only those she is close friends with already. Claire rarely will admit her feelings to her crushes because she fears it will ruin the friendship. Claire will often become jittery and anxious in these scenarios. While Claire has been in romantic relationships, they have been universally short-lived, and she often feels insecure as a result.
Claire's grades are above-average, and she often finds herself ahead of her classmates. She has straight As in subjects that interest her, such as English and history, and performs competently elsewhere, with high-Bs in most subjects. The exceptions are classes involving heavy use of mathematics, in which she struggles and often needs to use a calculator. As a result of her difficulties in these classes, they are usually mid-Bs. While still not entirely comfortable in a school environment, she believes her experience at John Endecott Memorial Academy has been positive.
Claire's mental health has improved significantly over time, though it is still far worse than most. While she still has depressive symptoms, they are not unchanging and instead come in infrequent waves. Her thoughts of self-harm have diminished over time and rarely reoccur. While she often struggles with self-loathing because of her dysphoria, she is trying to remain hopeful for her transition. Her focus has become more regular over time, though she often fixates on small details. She finds new interests as quickly as she discards previous ones, though she does have a core of hobbies that consistently remain subjects of interest. Claire regularly gives up tasks that she is not immediately good at, as being unsuccessful is very stressful to her and causes her to doubt herself. Claire is a sensitive, empathetic person, though she sometimes has trouble expressing it. Claire has, over time, become more adept at controlling her emotions. While Claire is still an anxious person, she has become calmer as her situation in life has improved. Claire tends to respond to stress by catastrophizing and imagines difficult situations as far more hopeless and impossible than they are in actuality. Claire has previously tried to seek professional help with her mental health but has trouble opening up to professionals because of a lack of familiarity. Claire prefers to confide in her friends instead, as it feels more comfortable to her.
Claire is not sure what she will do following high school. She plans to work in the summer following her graduation. While she would like to attend college, this is made more complicated by a difficult financial situation. To reduce costs, Claire intends to spend the first two years of post-secondary education at an inexpensive community college, then transfer to a more expensive college or university for the more significant parts of her education. She has not yet decided what she will study.
Advantages: Claire is an intelligent person, able to absorb information quickly, retain the knowledge she has learned, and react accordingly, which may allow her to outsmart some of her peers. She is passionate and willing to fight for what she believes, which may help drive her forward in a desperate situation.
Disadvantages: Claire is a physically weak individual, in mediocre shape due to a sedentary lifestyle, and suffers from frequent aches and pains. As a result, she will have difficulty competing with her more active and fit classmates. While it is manageable, her eyesight is below-average without her glasses, which will make it hard to notice details from a distance. Due to Claire's struggles with depressive symptoms and history of catastrophization, she is at risk of falling into hopelessness in the face of the game. Claire has poor social skills and is not good at handling difficult situations or reaching out to others, which will make it hard to find allies or stop conflicts. Claire's fixation on small details takes away from her awareness of the big picture, which could prove fatal in a situation as grand in scale as the game.
Claire Haig
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Hello Dogs, I will be critiquing Claire today. She is temporarily DENIED pending a fair bit of cleanup and revision, so here we go.
While we encourage people to be detailed in profiles, Claire's appearance section is currently longer than a lot of biographies. Details like the acne treatment she used to use and entire paragraphs about her voice and her glasses are not necessary for the appearance section. Likewise, the paragraph about her typical manner of dress includes a lot of extraneous information about the timeline of how the way she has dressed has changed. The appearance section is meant to cover the character's current appearance, not the whole history of how they have looked. If you think that these things are absolutely essential, I recommend finding a way to work them into the bio.
I will say that going into the bio, the trend of being overly-detailed and covering a lot of history that isn't really needed continues. We don't need a whole timeline of Claire's parents' careers, especially if that covers a significant amount of time before Claire was born. A brief history is fine, but this is about Claire, not her family members. If this paragraph is covering how the parents' careers changed over the course of Claire's life, that should be inserted in chronological order throughout the profile.
Claire's birthday would make her 17 at the start of the fall semester in 2021.
Were Claire's parents married when she was born? It's unclear based on the arrangement of surnames going on.
What other options were considered for Claire's education after her parents became aware of the bad situation at school for her? This is pretty big and relevant to her life, but we go straight from that significant event to discussing more of her hobbies and then her parents' relationship without resolving it in any way.
I'm not seeing how "graphic design" and "visual arts media" are really separate hobbies from each other. I would just remove the former from the hobbies list, as it's pretty much covered by her various activities in the latter.
The paragraph about Claire's coming out as trans and beginning to transition would be a good place to put all of the stuff about how she has changed her manner of dress and whatnot.
I would like more detail on Claire's stubbornness and willingness to fight for what she believes in; that seems to go against her disposition as currently written, which alternates more between avoidance and impulsiveness when faced with conflict.
That's what I have on the first pass. I will note that your grammar and punctuation have improved dramatically, so good job in that regard. Post in here when you have made the requested edits and I'll take another look at Claire. Feel free to hit me up in PM if you have any questions or concerns.
While we encourage people to be detailed in profiles, Claire's appearance section is currently longer than a lot of biographies. Details like the acne treatment she used to use and entire paragraphs about her voice and her glasses are not necessary for the appearance section. Likewise, the paragraph about her typical manner of dress includes a lot of extraneous information about the timeline of how the way she has dressed has changed. The appearance section is meant to cover the character's current appearance, not the whole history of how they have looked. If you think that these things are absolutely essential, I recommend finding a way to work them into the bio.
I will say that going into the bio, the trend of being overly-detailed and covering a lot of history that isn't really needed continues. We don't need a whole timeline of Claire's parents' careers, especially if that covers a significant amount of time before Claire was born. A brief history is fine, but this is about Claire, not her family members. If this paragraph is covering how the parents' careers changed over the course of Claire's life, that should be inserted in chronological order throughout the profile.
Claire's birthday would make her 17 at the start of the fall semester in 2021.
Were Claire's parents married when she was born? It's unclear based on the arrangement of surnames going on.
Primary school and elementary school are generally the same thing in the US. I'm not sure what the distinction is supposed to be in this sentence.Claire had a relatively uneventful time in preschool and primary school, but this began to change as she entered elementary school.
This should be rearranged somewhat, as there is no designated "them" prior to this sentence, which makes it unclear who that is referring to.She responded to them by lashing out verbally and, when hurt, physically, though she was always weaker than those who targeted her.
Unnecessary information.This period was known as the "Lazy Summer" by the family, as Bethan did not need to work to support them and instead had time to relax.
What other options were considered for Claire's education after her parents became aware of the bad situation at school for her? This is pretty big and relevant to her life, but we go straight from that significant event to discussing more of her hobbies and then her parents' relationship without resolving it in any way.
Redundant.Claire handled the change terribly and quickly became devastated by the change of environment.
I'm not seeing how "graphic design" and "visual arts media" are really separate hobbies from each other. I would just remove the former from the hobbies list, as it's pretty much covered by her various activities in the latter.
So this entire thing is going to have to either be cut or significantly altered. I understand what you're going for here, but an insert of the entire SOTF site and community is a hard no. The very first version of SOTF took place in 2005, and anything strongly resembling it in pop culture or otherwise after that is going to be subject to heavy scrutiny to begin with, and given Claire's sensitivity to the political landscape and general disposition, I have a hard time seeing her enjoying anything that resembles such a huge, traumatic public event anyway. Any other sort of writing or roleplaying site, like the political simulation sites that she used to take part in, would be more appropriate here.Through TVTropes, she discovered Law of the Jungle, a Lord of the Flies-inspired collaborative writing forum active since 2005, and its sister forum, Law of the Jungle Mini. Claire had seen the pages for the websites once previously, and this time decided to read further and quickly became interested. Soon, she joined both the two forums and their respective Discord servers. So far, Claire has applied four characters to the upcoming version of Law of the Jungle, three entirely original and one a self-insert, and two to different ongoing Mini versions, both original, one of whom is dead. She is an active participant in the community and views her fellow members as friends, and often participates in community events such as live streams and movie nights.
The paragraph about Claire's coming out as trans and beginning to transition would be a good place to put all of the stuff about how she has changed her manner of dress and whatnot.
The names of subjects like "history" don't need to be capitalized, only languages.She has straight As in subjects that interest her, such as English and History, and performs competently elsewhere, with high-Bs in most subjects.
I would like more detail on Claire's stubbornness and willingness to fight for what she believes in; that seems to go against her disposition as currently written, which alternates more between avoidance and impulsiveness when faced with conflict.
That's what I have on the first pass. I will note that your grammar and punctuation have improved dramatically, so good job in that regard. Post in here when you have made the requested edits and I'll take another look at Claire. Feel free to hit me up in PM if you have any questions or concerns.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
Claire Haig Critique Changelog (1.0.1)
- I am trapped in the profile dungeon.
- GE- GE ME- GET ME OUT OF HERE! OH- FUCK! AAAAAAA. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING JUST- GET ME OUT! AH- GET ME- GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Alright, we're making progress. A number of the issues I cited in my previous critique are still present, however.
Overall, I think you are missing the forest for the trees with a lot of the information that has been included, especially in the appearance section. Claire's appearance is 9 paragraphs long, and a lot of the detail in there is simply unnecessary and adds nothing. We don't need to know that it's hard to see Claire's veins in her arms or the amount of stretch marks on her body unless these are very notable parts of her appearance to an outside observer. Some of the things that are listed in the appearance section are even said to not be noticeable.
General physical appearance, typical manner of dress, and abduction outfit are all the information you absolutely need in an appearance section; more detail is nice when it gives us a clearer and more unique image of the character, but the amount of detail currently in this section is serving to clutter it up rather than make it clearer.
For some examples of a more detailed appearance section that manages to keep things at a reasonable length, I recommend looking at this approved profile and this one.
Watching movies and TV could be added to Claire's hobbies list, since a full paragraph is devoted to that.
The details on this Law of the Jungle roleplay still need to be changed or removed. The switch to focusing on a PvE survival roleplay is good, but the meta details on site structure and Claire's activities are still too obviously an insert of SOTF. Again, I think you are too concerned with being accurate to real life over whether the information included here is actually important or necessary, as well as in line with our preferences for keeping a safe amount of plausible deniability between real-life people and the characters and events that we use in the game. My recommendation here would honestly be to just cut everything down to the basic premise of the roleplay and the fact that Claire is in a Discord server for it. Honestly I'd remove the mention of TVTropes also just because there's been no mention of that being something Claire uses prior to this.
At this stage, has Claire spoken to anyone about her mental health struggles outside of the context of gender dysphoria? Has any professional counseling been sought to help her cope with that pre- and during transition, or in any other capacity?
Claire's advantages and disadvantages are also cluttered. This section is for notable advantages and disadvantages, things that make her stand out better or worse than the average teenager. Her temper flaring in a highly stressful situation is a normal reaction, not a disadvantage. Same for other small personality details.
I'm not really sold on Claire's advantage of having a lot of friends; though it's noted that her social situation at school has improved, as things are currently written, I get the impression that more of her socialization is online. It also contradicts the disadvantage of her having poor social skills. Being a good liar due to social deduction games is not in the bio at all; the single mention of her participating in social deduction games actually contradicts this, as it's stated that she prefers to be honest and not lie, as well as saying that she's blunt due to her poor social skills, neither of which suggest that she is at all good at lying convincingly. Fixating on small details is given a single mention in the bio, which does not give any indication that it could be useful at all in a survival situation. The detail fixation as an advantage also contradicts it being listed as a disadvantage later on, and the explanation of how it could hinder her more than help is better than the advantage explanation.
Spelling/grammar:
That's it for round 2, so post in here again when you've made those edits.
Overall, I think you are missing the forest for the trees with a lot of the information that has been included, especially in the appearance section. Claire's appearance is 9 paragraphs long, and a lot of the detail in there is simply unnecessary and adds nothing. We don't need to know that it's hard to see Claire's veins in her arms or the amount of stretch marks on her body unless these are very notable parts of her appearance to an outside observer. Some of the things that are listed in the appearance section are even said to not be noticeable.
General physical appearance, typical manner of dress, and abduction outfit are all the information you absolutely need in an appearance section; more detail is nice when it gives us a clearer and more unique image of the character, but the amount of detail currently in this section is serving to clutter it up rather than make it clearer.
For some examples of a more detailed appearance section that manages to keep things at a reasonable length, I recommend looking at this approved profile and this one.
Watching movies and TV could be added to Claire's hobbies list, since a full paragraph is devoted to that.
The details on this Law of the Jungle roleplay still need to be changed or removed. The switch to focusing on a PvE survival roleplay is good, but the meta details on site structure and Claire's activities are still too obviously an insert of SOTF. Again, I think you are too concerned with being accurate to real life over whether the information included here is actually important or necessary, as well as in line with our preferences for keeping a safe amount of plausible deniability between real-life people and the characters and events that we use in the game. My recommendation here would honestly be to just cut everything down to the basic premise of the roleplay and the fact that Claire is in a Discord server for it. Honestly I'd remove the mention of TVTropes also just because there's been no mention of that being something Claire uses prior to this.
This paragraph is just kind of floating in the middle of things, unconnected to anything else around it. It's the first mention of Claire having volunteer experience, and nothing is ever followed up with this or relates back to it, so at the moment I think it's just extraneous detail where it is. I'd fold it into a later paragraph about her plans for the future since it talks about her intent to get another internship.During the summer vacation after junior year, Claire received a paid summer internship at the quality assurance and financial department of a non-profit, helped by a resume filled with volunteer experience and recommendations. She did well in a work setting, and she got along well with her co-workers and superiors. She hopes to apply for an internship again in the summer.
At this stage, has Claire spoken to anyone about her mental health struggles outside of the context of gender dysphoria? Has any professional counseling been sought to help her cope with that pre- and during transition, or in any other capacity?
Claire's advantages and disadvantages are also cluttered. This section is for notable advantages and disadvantages, things that make her stand out better or worse than the average teenager. Her temper flaring in a highly stressful situation is a normal reaction, not a disadvantage. Same for other small personality details.
I'm not really sold on Claire's advantage of having a lot of friends; though it's noted that her social situation at school has improved, as things are currently written, I get the impression that more of her socialization is online. It also contradicts the disadvantage of her having poor social skills. Being a good liar due to social deduction games is not in the bio at all; the single mention of her participating in social deduction games actually contradicts this, as it's stated that she prefers to be honest and not lie, as well as saying that she's blunt due to her poor social skills, neither of which suggest that she is at all good at lying convincingly. Fixating on small details is given a single mention in the bio, which does not give any indication that it could be useful at all in a survival situation. The detail fixation as an advantage also contradicts it being listed as a disadvantage later on, and the explanation of how it could hinder her more than help is better than the advantage explanation.
Spelling/grammar:
Change this dash to a comma.Claire's fingernails are short and uneven — the results of a nervous habit of nail-biting and clipping that has gone unbroken her entire life.
Same with this one.Claire only wears one type of shoe — black laceless sneakers, and they are usually heavily worn from age and frequent use.
Redundancy, remove or change one instance of "gradually/gradual" here.However, Claire's enjoyment of political simulation decreased gradually because of a gradual increase in the community's toxicity.
That's it for round 2, so post in here again when you've made those edits.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
APPROVED
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."