Name: Donovan Lauer
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Basketball, track & field, cross country, hustle culture, music, mobile gaming
Appearance: Donovan is of below-average height, standing at 5'6", and has a relatively average weight of 137 pounds. He has a rectangular body shape, a medium frame, and broad shoulders. His body is neither thin nor overweight, though it is slightly on the slim side. His devotion to sports has left him well-exercised and toned. He has fair but somewhat pale skin that burns in sunlight.
Donovan has slightly wavy, medium-length light brown hair parted to his left. His eyebrows are thin and of a similar color to his hair, and he has expressive, upturned eyes of a light-brown color. His face is triangular, with a Grecian nose and thin lips. He has a round chin, which appears prominent due to his neck being slightly narrow. He has a soft face and has difficulty growing any facial hair, though he does not seek to.
Donovan's clothing choices usually focus on comfort rather than style and are rarely formal. While much of his attire is cheap or old due to a poor background, he often spends some of his excess money on luxuries. In particular, he has an affinity for necklaces and shoes, both of which he sees as a symbol of success and status. On the day of the abduction, Donovan wore a white and gray layered-look long-sleeved shirt, faded jeans, a worn gray hoodie left unzipped, a chain, and a pair of White/Roma Green/Black Jordan Point Lanes.
Biography: Donovan was born in Gardener, Massachusetts, the only child of Henry Lauer, a hospital maintenance worker, and Emily Lauer (née Peterson), a grocery clerk. The income received from their work was low, and both of them worked long hours. Henry was almost perpetually on-call, and his work often forced him to be physically and emotionally distant from his family. Emily spent most of her free time as part of the gig economy to help pay for expenses.
Their economic situation was precarious, and neither was equipped or prepared to raise a child. As a result, the months leading to Donovan's birth were tense and filled with discussion, the ultimate result being their resolve to work as hard as they could to provide Donovan a decent quality of life. However, this led to an unstable family situation. Emily returned to work as soon as her maternity leave ended, and Donovan was often temporarily handed over to the care of family, friends, or babysitters as the parents spent the day at work. While they found higher wages after a move to Salem, their economic situation only improved slightly.
Donovan's childhood was austere at best and spartan at worst. He lacked the luxuries a majority of his peers enjoyed, such as new toys and family outings, and often felt envious of them as a result. He developed a resentment of his situation from a young age, frustrated that many of his peers had lives better than his and humiliated by his comparative poverty. This resentment helped make him miserable in a school environment, and Donovan never developed a love or appreciation for his education. He refused to push himself further than was necessary and reacted with frustration when faced with expectations greater than simply the bare minimum. When confronted by teachers, his parents acknowledged the problem but felt that there was little they could do other than try to nudge Donovan in the right direction. While this nudging did cause a minor improvement in Donovan's grades, his lack of motivation continued.
His frustration with his lack of luxuries led him to learn the value of ingratiation from a young age. Donovan would often go out of his way to earn the friendship of those around him by performing tasks and jobs for them. In exchange, he would receive objects he sought or even money. While these relationships were initially entirely transactional, some of them resulted in genuine friendships. He would also help out in his local area, completing small jobs such as doing plow work to gain small amounts of money to spend.
As Donovan grew older, he quickly learned to be self-reliant and independent. He taught himself how to prepare food for himself in middle school, first limited to only the microwave, but later the oven and stove, by observation and what limited teaching he could receive from his parents and observers. As time went on, he increasingly was left to his own devices and allowed to supervise himself.
Donovan had little to occupy his copious after-school time and so often spent it playing basketball or competing with other students in athletic pursuits such as running. He proved to be physically adept, and the thrill of victory appealed greatly to Donovan. It was exhilarating for him to finally be able to consider himself better than others at a task. Soon, he found himself a participant in the school's basketball, track & field, and cross country teams. His strengths in one team were easily applicable to the others. In all three, he was able to apply his speed and stamina, while basketball and track both required jumping technique and hand-eye coordination. He soon attempted to convince his parents to let him participate in travel basketball, viewed by his fellow players as more prestigious and competitive than recreational basketball. His parents, who had little interest or ability to drive him to and from out-of-town games, immediately shut down the idea, much to the disappointment of their son. While he was a participant in home games and recreational basketball programs, his lack of participation in travel basketball was detrimental to his future.
While Donovan was a highly respected athlete in terms of skill, the competition drew out a different side of him than the usual apathy he displayed in a school setting. He was fiercely competitive and would take losses poorly, either with fury towards sub-par teammates or misery at his failure. While Donovan was always willing to admit his own mistakes when they occurred, he was often brutal in his judgments of his peers. Donovan would often become angry at those viewed as a burden on him and the team as a whole and hated the idea that they could hold him back.
Donovan, as a means of relaxation, would find himself turning increasingly to music. In particular, he was engaged by the beats and flow of hip-hop, although aspects of rock and metal also appealed to him. Part of the reason for hip-hop's appeal to him was the themes and messages it conveyed, especially concerning hardship. He found them relatable, and it helped him to feel less alone with his problems. He would often listen to music while he did solo basketball drills or to help him decompress after tense games or stressful tests.
Donovan's grades in middle school would improve significantly, mostly because he needed to maintain them at a higher level to participate in the school's sports and athletic teams. His teachers saw this as an opportunity to help an otherwise uninterested student become more invested in their learning. While Donovan was more receptive initially, attempts at completing assignments at a higher level of effort resulted in him souring on the idea. Following this attempt, he only attempted to achieve the grades needed to maintain his team commitments, much to the disappointment of his educators.
When it became time for Donovan to enter high school, he was appalled to learn that he would be attending John Endecott Memorial Academy. His parents had decided because it was the nearest public school to their apartment and thus the most convenient for them. Donovan, who was aware of the school's abysmal reputation for athletics, was furious. He harbored ambitions of becoming a professional athlete and believed that a potential career was at risk. Donovan felt betrayed, as they had not included him in the discussion or informed him until it was too late to change. He initially threatened to refuse to attend but was eventually talked down by friends, who persuaded him to attend on the pretense that he had the skill to help improve the school's team, though he remained doubtful. His relationship with his parents, already distant, was damaged by the dispute.
At the end of his Sophomore year, Donovan sought to find a job to expedite earning spending money for himself. Ultimately, he successfully applied for a job at Dunkin' Donuts. While it was a minimum-wage job, Donovan received much more money working full-time over the summer than from odd jobs. He shifted from working full-time to part-time when summer ended but returned to full-time work the summer after. As of his Senior year, he continues to work part-time on weekends, and he is considered a very reliable employee.
He also continues to run side jobs for other students. To this day, Donovan is considered a dependable individual to rely on to complete tasks or acquire items, with the caveat that he only offers his services in exchange for payment, the price of which depends on the scope and scale of the tasks or items required, but is always somewhat inflated. While the sources and quality of the objects he acquires are dubious, and some have suspected him of taking things that aren't his, those who rely on him trust him for his reliability, and wrongdoing on his part is unproven.
He used some of his money from his earliest employment to save his money for a smartphone. Up to that point, he had used a cheap flip phone with little functionality. When he purchased the smartphone, he quickly became hooked on mobile gaming, especially arcade-style space shooters. He found their replayablity great for keeping himself occupied when he had nothing to do otherwise. He found these games fun enough to justify the purchase of in-game currencies and items with real money, though only in limited amounts.
Donovan continues to serve his athletic and sports commitments as of his Senior year. He is considered an above-average basketball player, especially for a team as bad as John Endecott Memorial Academy's. However, he lacks the resources and experience that some of his peers have. While his skill as a point guard is undisputed, he is incredibly unhappy with the state of the school's team and has a history of disputes with both other teammates and the coach. He has, of late, played less than he would have liked due to his poor temperament and difficulty working as a team player, which has impacted his ability to find scholarship offers. He has become increasingly frustrated regarding what he sees as an incompetent team with incompetent leadership.
Donovan is a respected member of both the cross country team and track & field team. He is a fast runner, and his hand-eye coordination and throwing skills are easily transferable. Donovan has had more success as an individual athlete in this area than on the basketball team but always prioritized basketball over his other commitments, to the detriment of his efforts elsewhere. As a result, he has had less opportunity to distinguish himself from his teammates.
Donovan's grades continue to be the bare minimum needed for his commitments. He maintains nothing more than a C+ average and is content with that. Donovan has no interest in more than that, and while it disappoints his teachers, he remains unconvinced as to why he should put more effort into something he is not already successful within.
Donovan is well-liked by many of his peers, partially because of an appearance of being laid-back that he has purposefully cultivated and partially because of the favors he has done for other students. He has an active social life and attends parties when he can. His relationship with his family, however, is much less successful. He holds lingering resentment towards them for never seeking to provide him with a better life or help him develop skills that he views as critical to his success. He and his parents are distant at the best of times and rarely speak outside of strict necessity. Donovan spends little time at home outside of when he has to, preferring to practice basketball drills or run instead.
Donovan is unsure of his plans for the future. His parents have not been able to save college funds for him, and as a result, his attending college is in doubt. He has had no scholarship offers yet, and factors such as his height, a lack of travel basketball participation, and membership in an overlooked team all work against him. While he would like to pursue a career in sports, his self-perceived status as the best player on the worst team does little to advance his middling scholarship prospects.
Advantages: Donovan thrives in competition with others, which will help drive him forward in a life-or-death situation. He is willing to be underhanded to advance his interests, which will help him adjust to making difficult decisions in the game. Donovan has good hand-eye coordination, speed, and stamina from his athletics, which will help him outpace other competitors physically. He is generally well-liked by his peers and holds some influence due to the favors he has done over time, both of which may help him secure alliances or deter attackers.
Disadvantages: Donovan reacts poorly to setbacks and struggles, becoming emotional and temperamental, which will work against him in the game. He tends to underestimate the skill of those around him and may not take potential threats with proper seriousness. Donovan tends to put little effort into most things and may not exhibit care or safety in situations where they will be necessary.
Donovan Lauer
♔♔♔♔♔
Hey Dogs! It’s Buko aka Chad and I will be taking a look at Donovan today! I always like to begin every critique with a little schpeal telling people that the critique process is just that—a process. I may bring up stuff in subsequent reviews that I do not bring up in this initial one and it isn’t done for the purpose of bringing up hoops or barriers but rather to help in getting the best version of Donovan we can out into pre-game and perhaps later into game proper. This is to say that I am an ally and an asset here and the goal is to help the creative process and not hurt it!
So, with that said: let’s get to it!
Hobbies & Interest
As a list, these look good. If we need expansion on any of these or to cut them, I will bring it up when we get to the biography proper!
Appearance
Everything looks good here, one thing that appears a bit incongruous with the “poor background” is the $120+ dollar white-on-white sneakers. Especially because playing basketball in Jordan I’s in 2021 is probably not an ideal experience. It’s not worth taking out and I think you can easily justify it IC. We all have luxuries and prized possessions—just thought it’d be worth mentioning. He might get more mileage out of a black pair. Less likely to show dirt and scuffs
.
Biography
I like a lot of what we have here in regard to themes and little subtle bits of characterization. One of the questions I got from the early parts of the biography comes in the form of Donovan gaining independence and beginning to cook for himself and stuff at an early age. I would like some specificity here in regard to what age he began doing this sort of stuff and subsequently what age his parents began trusting him alone. I get a sense that this is closer to late-elementary to early middle school age because of the pace of the biography and we start talking about joining school sports teams shortly after. Personally, I began riding the city bus and looking after my younger siblings entering the sixth and towards the seventh grade. I think having him gain this independence heading into middle school makes a lot of sense with how the biography is laid out. Just state it flatly so there is no interpretation that has a seven-year-old making seven course meals.
So, I have a big question in regard to Donovan at JEM and its sort of in concern to his portrayal as the ‘best player on the worst team’ and combined with the idea that he is awaiting or seriously competing and dreaming of a collegiate scholarship. About 2% of high school athletes nationwide gain some sort of athletic scholarship for college. It is big business and big dreams and if Donovan was serious about it—why would he be attending JEM?
If Donovan was so good—then why wasn’t he recruited to play at a private school on scholarship or his parents advocated for and berated by an upstart high school coach to petition for an out of district transfer? Athletics are big money and big business filled with an almost insane level of tribalism—especially high school athletics. While a school like JEM isn’t so invested in high school basketball, there are plenty that would be and invested in getting a point guard of ‘undeniable skill’. With Donovan not even really exhibiting exceptional height or an ideal physique for basketball—it makes you wonder.
I think you can go two routes here and the best way would probably be a combination of the two. Donovan is short and basketball is a game of height, although his skill may be unquestioned and his athleticism undeniable—he is still small and undersized. This could hurt in recruiting and also against better competition and I think would aid in his general themes of envy and frustration. The other route would be on the focus on economics and the idea that Donovan was hurt by his inability to play and participate in AAU or travel basketball. This can build into more resentments for his parents and also echoes into why he is so religious in doing drills. He doesn’t have the resources and training other students and players have. This I think can aid into Donovan’s characterization of envy and frustration towards his economic station—but it would have to come at him conceding a weakness in something that he loves.
You have Donovan being upset that he has to attend JEM in the first place—let us focus on answering two questions as specific and with as much detail as we can. Why did he attend JEM in the first place and if he was so good at basketball…why did he stay? I think you can get some mileage out of the themes and characterization that you’ve laid out here by having Donovan be frustrated with the situation as well as his own inability to play/talent his way out of it. In this respect, while you have a lot dedicated to basketball and his frustration with that team and his skill as a point guard, there is very little on track and cross country once we get into high school. I think you can also explain some of his staying at JEM with it's poor basketball team with him having more success as an individual athlete on the track and cross country teams. We are probably going to need a paragraph or so of detail showing his triumphs and trials in those sports within the context of modernity.
And that’s it as far as substance in the biography. I would advise going through it and reading it aloud and probably trimming down and simplifying some sentences. For the most part things read clearly and concisely but I still believe you would gain more benefit than hurt by putting this thing through a word processor along with reading aloud for flow and consistency and to pick up things that the computer did not. I will get into the weeds of the stand out grammar stuff in the next round, though I am firm that most of this stuff can be picked up by you via putting it through a word processor and reading aloud.
Advantage & Disadvantages
These look good to me!
Alright, so I know this is a lot, especially caught up in the sports-nerd weeds here. If you have any questions or would like any form of discussion with me, I am free via smoke-signal, messenger pigeon or Discord or board PM. You will have more success with the last two! Good luck and looking forward to reading the revised version!
So, with that said: let’s get to it!
Hobbies & Interest
As a list, these look good. If we need expansion on any of these or to cut them, I will bring it up when we get to the biography proper!
Appearance
Everything looks good here, one thing that appears a bit incongruous with the “poor background” is the $120+ dollar white-on-white sneakers. Especially because playing basketball in Jordan I’s in 2021 is probably not an ideal experience. It’s not worth taking out and I think you can easily justify it IC. We all have luxuries and prized possessions—just thought it’d be worth mentioning. He might get more mileage out of a black pair. Less likely to show dirt and scuffs
. Biography
I like a lot of what we have here in regard to themes and little subtle bits of characterization. One of the questions I got from the early parts of the biography comes in the form of Donovan gaining independence and beginning to cook for himself and stuff at an early age. I would like some specificity here in regard to what age he began doing this sort of stuff and subsequently what age his parents began trusting him alone. I get a sense that this is closer to late-elementary to early middle school age because of the pace of the biography and we start talking about joining school sports teams shortly after. Personally, I began riding the city bus and looking after my younger siblings entering the sixth and towards the seventh grade. I think having him gain this independence heading into middle school makes a lot of sense with how the biography is laid out. Just state it flatly so there is no interpretation that has a seven-year-old making seven course meals.
So, I have a big question in regard to Donovan at JEM and its sort of in concern to his portrayal as the ‘best player on the worst team’ and combined with the idea that he is awaiting or seriously competing and dreaming of a collegiate scholarship. About 2% of high school athletes nationwide gain some sort of athletic scholarship for college. It is big business and big dreams and if Donovan was serious about it—why would he be attending JEM?
If Donovan was so good—then why wasn’t he recruited to play at a private school on scholarship or his parents advocated for and berated by an upstart high school coach to petition for an out of district transfer? Athletics are big money and big business filled with an almost insane level of tribalism—especially high school athletics. While a school like JEM isn’t so invested in high school basketball, there are plenty that would be and invested in getting a point guard of ‘undeniable skill’. With Donovan not even really exhibiting exceptional height or an ideal physique for basketball—it makes you wonder.
I think you can go two routes here and the best way would probably be a combination of the two. Donovan is short and basketball is a game of height, although his skill may be unquestioned and his athleticism undeniable—he is still small and undersized. This could hurt in recruiting and also against better competition and I think would aid in his general themes of envy and frustration. The other route would be on the focus on economics and the idea that Donovan was hurt by his inability to play and participate in AAU or travel basketball. This can build into more resentments for his parents and also echoes into why he is so religious in doing drills. He doesn’t have the resources and training other students and players have. This I think can aid into Donovan’s characterization of envy and frustration towards his economic station—but it would have to come at him conceding a weakness in something that he loves.
You have Donovan being upset that he has to attend JEM in the first place—let us focus on answering two questions as specific and with as much detail as we can. Why did he attend JEM in the first place and if he was so good at basketball…why did he stay? I think you can get some mileage out of the themes and characterization that you’ve laid out here by having Donovan be frustrated with the situation as well as his own inability to play/talent his way out of it. In this respect, while you have a lot dedicated to basketball and his frustration with that team and his skill as a point guard, there is very little on track and cross country once we get into high school. I think you can also explain some of his staying at JEM with it's poor basketball team with him having more success as an individual athlete on the track and cross country teams. We are probably going to need a paragraph or so of detail showing his triumphs and trials in those sports within the context of modernity.
And that’s it as far as substance in the biography. I would advise going through it and reading it aloud and probably trimming down and simplifying some sentences. For the most part things read clearly and concisely but I still believe you would gain more benefit than hurt by putting this thing through a word processor along with reading aloud for flow and consistency and to pick up things that the computer did not. I will get into the weeds of the stand out grammar stuff in the next round, though I am firm that most of this stuff can be picked up by you via putting it through a word processor and reading aloud.
Advantage & Disadvantages
These look good to me!
Alright, so I know this is a lot, especially caught up in the sports-nerd weeds here. If you have any questions or would like any form of discussion with me, I am free via smoke-signal, messenger pigeon or Discord or board PM. You will have more success with the last two! Good luck and looking forward to reading the revised version!
Donovan Lauer Critique Changelog (1.0.1)
- Expanded on Donovan's enjoyment of more expensive shoes.
- Changed which shoes Donovan wears to the trip.
- Specified that it was middle school when he cooked for himself.
- Explained Donovan's inability to participate in travel basketball.
- Explained why Donovan attended JEM despite their abysmal record.
- Re-arranged the order of some sentences for a better flow.
Hey Dogs! Donovan looks great and I very much see the improvement and thought that has been put into him through our conversations! The meat of the profile and the actual content of it seem perfectly fine and fleshed out to me! In terms of grammar and flow, I do believe that some of these sentences can still be made to be a bit more concise and you can cut out a bit of the fat and extra wordiness. If/When you submit Donovan to game proper, you may benefit from just another run through and a refinement of the biography from just a flow and grammar point (and honestly you also may get a staffer who is more apt and skilled at seeing those things than I). Nothing egregious but I think it’d benefit both Donovan and his future threadmates a little bit!
As for pre-game and the general feel of the profile, like I said, excellent work and I very much enjoy the themes and bits of characterization you've managed to insert even in this initial phase! I think you hit the nail on the head in regard to tone and you managed to fit a lot of interesting stuff in a relatively small space while maintaining a bit of academic distance and formality. That's impressive, respectable and you should be proud! Try to tighten up the prose a bit in final apps but for the moment…
APPROVED
As for pre-game and the general feel of the profile, like I said, excellent work and I very much enjoy the themes and bits of characterization you've managed to insert even in this initial phase! I think you hit the nail on the head in regard to tone and you managed to fit a lot of interesting stuff in a relatively small space while maintaining a bit of academic distance and formality. That's impressive, respectable and you should be proud! Try to tighten up the prose a bit in final apps but for the moment…
APPROVED