Maxwell 'Max' McCormick

[Irredeemable]

Name: Maxwell “Max” Seamus McCormick
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12th Grade
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Playing Music, Academics, Drugs

Appearance: Max is not one to put a lot of effort into his appearance. At 5’8” tall and 163lbs, his general physical form would be completely average were it not for his most defining feature: the left side of his face. Where his left eye should be is instead an empty socket, and although facial reconstruction surgery has dramatically reduced the extent of the damage, the skin around his left eye still sags and droops and will do so for the rest of his life.

His remaining eye is a bright green- a fitting tribute to his Irish heritage when combined with his ginger-red hair and his heavily freckled complexion. Max’s skin is starkly pale- he burns quickly on sunny days, and even when filtered behind clouds his freckles are quick to darken, seemingly multiplying as the lightest of them discolours. His nose is small and narrow, his ears are tight to his head, and he takes no attention over his hair, leaving it a uniquely tangled mess each time he wakes up in the morning. If Max spent some time taking care of himself, he might be able to be called handsome by the right person, but his utter apathy keeps this lofty goal high above him.

This lack of attention and care extends to his clothing choices too. Max’s entire wardrobe is monochromatic, and that single colour is black. Black shirts, black jeans, black hoodies and occasionally a black jacket, Max habitually shuns graphics, decals, text, or really any distinguishing features from his clothing, partially out of a genuine disinterest, and partially from his habit of buying clothes from Walmart and Goodwill stores and being reluctant for people to realise this.

Only a few things really stick out as unusual or uncommon about Max’s clothing habits. Firstly, he still wears a mask past the pandemics end, secondly, there’s the crucifix that constantly hangs from his neck and finally there’s the skull-and-crossbones tattoo on his right bicep, complete with pirate hat and eyepatch over its left eyehole. Keeping in fashion with the rest of his garments, both the necklace of the crucifix and the mask are black, the only variation being the plain gunmetal of the symbol that hangs over his sternum.

On the day of the abduction, Max was wearing a black long-sleeved t-shirt, a set of black jeans, a pair of black trainers, a black zip-up hoodie, a black beanie, his crucifix, and a disposable black cotton mask.

Biography: Maxwell Seamus McCormick was born on the 16th of February 2003 to Liam McCormick and Catherine McCormick, in NSMC Salem Hospital, to become the eldest of three brothers. By all accounts he was a fairly normal, average baby, and would continue to be a fairly average toddler. Perhaps, had things gone differently, Max’s life would have followed this most average of trajectories, but when he was four years and three months old, tragedy struck. Riding in the back seat of his dad’s (an independent construction contractor) truck, the vehicle was rear-ended at a stop sign. Improperly secured lumber in the back of the pickup was sent flying forward, smashing into the left side of the young boy’s head. The results were gruesome, to say the least, but the greatest damage was caused to the boy’s left eye.

Much of Max’s frontal process and cheek were shattered, and the impact was so great that most of his orbital nerves and muscles were irreparably damaged. His left eye was simultaneously crushed, even as it detached- by the time he reached the hospital, it was very clear that it was completely beyond saving. The complicated surgery that was required should have bankrupted the McCormick family- and it was only thanks to a large effort by not only the extended McCormick clan, but also his local church that his mother and father were able to pay for it at all.

Now, as an adult, Max’s memories of the accident and the immediate recovery from it are hazy. He remembers hospital visits, ophthalmologists, vision therapy and a nagging sense of loss that permeated him for years in his early childhood. Details, however, have always escaped him- the names of his doctors, the first time he felt comfortable with just his single eye, how many sessions he spent with his therapist. Young children are remarkably resilient to even vast and catastrophic changes though- as an adult, most of Max’s memory is broad strokes.

Finally, after more than a year of recovery, Max was set to return to school. Unfortunately, this return was not a smooth or easy process. A year behind most of his peers, any hope of finding a niche for himself was ruined when the mockery started. Torment spurred Max to retreat into his shell, which, in turn only spurred further isolation from his fellow children. Turning to academics as a something he could more easily control, Max’s grades climbed to a peak he’s never really left.

Aside from academics, one other hobby would provide Max with some escapism- music. One Mr. Roland, a once idealistic music teacher in a badly underfunded music department taught Max how to play guitar. To Max, it was almost perfect: an activity that didn’t involve his missing eye, didn’t leave him to be mocked by his peers and even had the approval of his parents, who saw his interest in an extracurricular hobby as a positive step in his development.

This focus on music and academics has placed him into an interesting dynamic with his siblings. Both Finn, the middle brother at 15, and Owen, the youngest at 11, are rather active and much prefer the gridiron and soccer field to the library. Luckily for them however, Max isn't the sort of brother to beget the others old notes and homework help, and he'd consider himself very much friendly with the pair of them.

It would not be impossible to place some of the blame for the lack of action on Max himself. Not one for the sort of violence that normally discourages bullies, Max’s initial forays into informing school authorities, although resulting in punishment, normally ended up with him in more pain once said punishment had concluded. Slowly but surely, the boy stopped speaking up so much, settling in to resigned silence about the issue. Max’s parents did, of course, note his increasing retreat into his room, but being busy, working class people with two other children to handle sucked away much of their time. When Max stopped keeping them in the loop, they tried to press for information, only for the shrugs and muttered comments to push them away from being able to help.

By the time that Middle School rolled around Max’s plight had become a self-perpetuating cycle- Max had developed a caustic outer shell that pushed away anyone who even tried to be friends, which thus encouraged further bullying, which, in turn, only thickened Max’s shell. Max’s main retreat was his music- his interest in which only deepened since his initial introduction to it. Over the years, Max managed to put together enough money to afford an electronic and acoustic six-string guitar as well as an electronic four-string bass, all of which he would consider his most prized possessions. Although not particularly lyrically creative, Max is fond of jamming and playing to himself- his insular ways having prevented him from joining or forming a band.

Max’s drug dealing began shortly after he moved to High School. To Max, the whole business seemed simply practical- although he did smoke weed, this was not his main product. Instead, Max worked with prescription medicine- primarily Ritalin and Adderall, but also depressants such as Valium. Very rarely Max might get his hands on prescription painkillers such as oxycodone, which he sells quickly or dumps if he can’t- opiates bringing too much trouble with them. These drugs have several advantages when it comes to dealing in John Endecott- firstly, it’s much easier to pass off prescription drugs as something one is supposed to have during a random bag check, secondly, it has no tell-tale smell like weed does, and thirdly, they have the advantage of being a common occurrence in many American households- including his own.

In addition to the ways in which the drugs themselves are easy to get away with having, Max has an additional benefit to escaping notice- he’s widely seen as a quiet, good-mannered kid. Most teachers, when they pay attention to Max at all, see a reclusive but well-behaved boy struck by tragedy in his early life and bullying in his current one, and thus he tends to build rapport with most of them quite well. Most of the altercations that Max does get into are very small-scale: being tripped up or being shoulder-checked whilst he’s carrying things, the sort of things that avoid bringing the attention of campus security down on him. Most of the bullying Max suffers is emotional- largely revolving around isolation from his peers and a never-ending grind of insults and nicknames, all of which he’s heard before.

When it comes to Max’s own drug use, his parents are fairly ambivalent about weed, which they are aware he consumes. As working-class parents, they have bigger issues with him smoking a legal substance with his own money. Since he only started smoking at 16 he's never been particularly subtle about it, and to an extent they've appreciated his honesty. Since Max has independent control of his own finances he’s able to hide the extra income he gets from drug dealing without raising any questions.

The COVID pandemic was perhaps one of the few events that Max was well-placed for. A regular recluse without many friends anyway, Max didn’t experience a great shift aside from the move to online teaching. Although it temporarily reduced his income from dealing, as the pandemic wore on and people began to feel more trapped indoors his number of clients actually went up, and he found hiding his face behind a mask so pleasant that he continues to do so even after the pandemic’s end.

Max has an unusual dislike for the ‘witchiness’ that infuses Salem culture. Having been taunted as a freak, demon, and something that would have been killed during the Witch Trials, he now categorically rejects most of the occult and horror writing in general, including that which isn’t even particularly linked to the trials- Poe, Lovecraft, Stoker, and even, to an extent, modern writers like King all fall under his ire.

Perhaps because of this, as well as his crucifix, one might assume that Max is fairly religious. As a confirmed Catholic in a family of other confirmed Catholics Max has certainly had a lot of religious influence in his life, although as he grew older, he found himself attending church less and less regularly, and most would classify him as a lapsed or backsliding Catholic.

Unsurprisingly, Max has had a total of zero romantic relationships in his life- in fact, Max has not so much as had his first kiss, let alone his first anything else. To Max, this isn’t really a topic of much discussion or concern to him- it simply is, and although of course he’d like things to change, he rarely devotes much time to thinking about relationships either positively or negatively.

Platonically speaking, Max’s friend circle is incredibly small and insular, mostly occupied by those that have experienced life-altering accidents in their lives too. It’s very rare for Max to approach someone to initiate a friendship, especially now, in High School, and so almost all of his friends that he has now have been those that made friends with him earlier in life and have stuck with him. To those he doesn’t know yet is thrown in with- say, those he does group projects with, Max tends to isolate himself away from them, doing the work as quickly as possible, saying as little as possible, and moving on as rapidly as possible.

Academically, Max performs very well. He routinely scores As and A+s, with none of his grades dipping into Cs and only a few falling into Bs. Max is a something of a Math whiz- numbers seem to slot into place easily for him, and he’s naturally found himself more drawn to it. Although Max is quite passive about future planning, he is aware that his grades and economic situation are enough to potentially get him a scholarship into a prestigious university in New England. To his parents, this is the sort of prospect they often comment they would have dreamed of, and frequently encourage him to be more proactive in figuring out a major and getting his applications in order. Although he’s yet to make a firm commitment one way or another, he remains hopeful as to future prospects.

Advantages: Although Max’s bullying didn’t come from him being a nerd, the descriptor wouldn’t be inaccurate for him. He’s quite intellectually capable, with a surprising breadth of knowledge and excellent critical thinking skills. In addition, he also has a relatively high pain tolerance, partially from bully-inflicted scraps and bruises, and partially from phantom pain he still experiences more than a decade after the accident.
Disadvantages:To start with the most obvious weakness Max has, his missing eye makes depth perception difficult and greatly reduces his peripheral vision. Max also sunburns incredibly easily, even in relatively mild weather, and he’s not particularly physically strong thanks to his focus on academics and music.

[Buko]

Hey Irredeemable! My name is Buko/Chad, and I will be handling young Maxwell! I do like to always start off a profile by saying that the profile process is just that—a process and everything said here is said with the goal of getting Max up to snuff! If you have any questions or would like any elaborations on anything said here, feel free to hit me up either via Discord or PM!

So let us get started! Maxwell is temporarily DENIED pending a few edits and elaborations! Let us go from top to bottom!

Appearance

The first part of the profile leading up to the Appearance section was all in order and nothing to fix there. The Appearance section itself was actually very solid and detailed and I got a very clear vision of Max. So let me get into the two small grammar mistakes.

Max is not one to put a lot of effort into his appearance. At 5’8” tall and 163lbs, his general physical form would be completely average were it not for his most defining feature; the left side of his face.

Semicolon doesn’t really work here! Best for this to be changed to a comma or regular colon. Chef’s choice!

Perhaps the only things that stick out from Max’s appearance is his habit of still wearing a mask past the pandemics end, the crucifix that constantly hangs from his neck and, the rare times he wears a short-sleeved shirt, the skull-and-crossbones tattoo on his right bicep, complete with pirate hat and eyepatch over its left eyehole.

No need for the comma after ‘and’ there! Also think that this sentence runs a bit long and so you may benefit by splitting this up a bit! Otherwise, like previously stated, I found this appearance section both very thorough and detailed! Great effort and solid job on a first character!

Let us get into the biography!

Biography

Overall, there is a lot of good stuff in this biography but there is also stuff that requires some work! The two words that came to mind when thinking about how to codify and explain Max’s issues were: elaboration and explanation. There are a lot of big ideas here that are at the core of Max and throughout the biography they are handwaved or just taken as a given! When doing a character that stands out of the ordinary a bit, it is important to remember that they require a bit of extra work and explanation! Let me show you the moments that really stood out as needing more work in this initial go through of Max!

The complicated surgery that was required should have bankrupted the McCormick family- and it was only thanks to a large effort by not only the extended McCormick clan, but also his local church that his mother and father were able to pay for it at all.

It’s surprising how resilient children are to even vast and catastrophic changes to their life. As an adult Max doesn’t remember the accident, nor the long recovery and adjustment process. What he does remember however, is how he’s been treated differently ever since.

So, we get into this big tragic and traumatic event that starts off Max’s story and it is clear even from the appearance that this accident has clear and consequential effects on Max. The problem for the context of the biography is that a lot of focus is placed upon the way Maxwell is treated after the accident and very little is stated on the actual recovery from the accident. Facial reconstruction surgery and rehabilitation are very large sorts of injuries for anyone and for a small child especially! The rehab and surgery that would occur for Maxwell between the ages of 4-6 would be exceptionally formative even beyond the bullying that you present as more significant in his young years. The rehab and surgeries are sort of minimized to the mockery and bullying! My own research (admittedly quick and basic) research says that to work on the loss of sight that would come from losing an eye can take up to a year! For a child to go through that and just have no memory of it—it suspends my disbelief a bit. We need more detail and description here. The type of rehabilitation he went through, how often and how did he enjoy it/dislike it as a child. Stuff like that!

The second issue we have is in regards to the way the bullying is portrayed and handled here...

Although his parents saw Max’s life was miserable, it didn’t seem as if much could be done to help him. School authorities were ultimately useless when it came to actually punishing the perpetrators, and Max’s reluctance to resort to physical violence certainly didn’t dissuade anyone.

This passage in particular is a bit problematic! School authorities are by no means perfect and definitely could not protect a child completely from mockery or name calling, sure—but the idea that both the school authorities and Max’s own parents would be unable to do anything at all is a bit odd. Especially considering going back to 2013, 49 states had some form of anti-bullying legislation (or at least had formally acknowledged bullying in some legal way). I think you have the seeds of some solutions here in the form of his guitar teacher. Maybe focus on how as a way of combating bullying his parents did manage to get him music lessons or something of the sort. I think that can be a good path to providing more of a social sense for Max while also allowing us to see some true ways his parents and the adults around him stepped in to try to combat the bullying.

This whole ensuing section surrounding Max’s bullying needs to be handled with a bit more care and we need to see a bit more detail in the ways people stepped in to try and help him. If Max is someone who has slipped through the cracks due to neglect or another reason—that needs to be intimated as well. I understand that both the tragedy surrounding Max’s injury and the reaction to it are compounded and at the core of what makes him him…but we do need to swing the pendulum more to reason and realism in this area in particular.

In this spirit we have the other issue that we’re going to need more expansion and detail on and that is the issue of Maxwell’s occupation. If you’re in chat you know that I am no stranger to the Devil’s lettuce and so I do speak with a degree of expertise in this arena! I actually attended the Cannabis Cup in 2014 and partook as a judge—just to flex my weed credentials. I am actually pretty educated in the practicality of cannabis cultivation and distribution in both a black-market capacity and now as a legal Florida Medical Marijuana patient…the private and medical capacity as well.

Max’s drug dealing began shortly after he moved to High School. Although not a particularly heavy user, Max had smoked before, and quickly realised the potential to earn him some much-needed additional money on the side whilst also subsidising his own usage. It was a relatively simple matter to approach his dealer and discuss becoming part of the man’s ‘downline-‘ Max has no clue who procures his product, he’s simply the last step in the long chain from production to customer.

Recreational marijuana has been legal in Massachusetts since 2016 and the legal marijuana industry is a multimillion dollar one in the state alone. Getting into the dealing of marijuana at this point is a bit like getting into the dealing of alcohol or liquor—it’s a legal and recreational product and so access is quite easy and no longer something gated by legality but instead by age. Who needs a weed dealer when someone can simply ask their older brother to go to the store? I am not saying that dealing cannabis is an impossibility, but the way he procures it and the reasoning as to why both he and his dealer are getting into it needs to be elaborated on. The black market weed dealer doesn’t have much reason to function and make a profit in a legal weed world! At the time of pregame, cannabis would have been legal in Max’s state for longer than Max had been in high school. You need to answer why and how he got into dealing better!

Max’s ability to get away with his drug dealing ways is mostly thanks to his proclivity towards academics and quiet nature. Most teachers, when they pay attention to Max at all, see a reclusive but well-behaved boy struck by tragedy in his early life and bullying in his current one, and thus he tends to build rapport with most of them quite well. The same goes for the security officers around campus- Max’s almost pathological reluctance to fight back means that even the school’s strict fighting policy rarely applies to him, leaving him in the good graces of those that enforce the rules.

So, beyond the issue of Max’s dealing of weed we get into this—I don’t think getting bullied and getting good grades means that you get to deal in the hallway. I went to high school in 2009 and in Miami but in the year below me there was a girl who was the valedictorian of her year and she got busted smoking a joint in the parking lot and was expelled and forced to go to an alternative school. That was more than ten years ago and in a state where marijuana was illegal but the point remains: that wouldn’t fly at JEM whose smoking and drug and alcohol policy are articulated pretty clearly in the school information post. Beyond what is stated below there are also random backpack and classroom searches at JEM--how does Max deal with that?

Discipline at John Endecott Memorial is strict and often (according to students) arbitrary and harsh. Possession and use of tobacco on school grounds is prohibited, even for students eighteen and older. Possession of illegal drugs or alcohol is punishable by in-school-suspension at a minimum, and possession of weapons will result in suspension at a minimum, up to placement in an alternative education facility or even expulsion depending on the circumstances. John Endecott Memorial has a zero-tolerance policy for fighting, but in practice this has meant that fights are likely to escalate due to the victim being in equal trouble to the aggressor no matter what.

Both his chosen profession and his position as a frequent victim in physical conflicts would place Max in a bit of a precarious position if he was dealing at school. If he is dealing at home than what do his parents think of that? How do they feel about his marijuana use as a whole? Marijuana is known for it’s pungent smell—how does Maxwell deal with that if he is procuring large amounts and smoking frequently? These are all concerns that need to be elaborated on beyond simply ‘He is academically inclined’.

On the note of something positive, I did enjoy and think there was a validity in how he reacted to the COVID pandemic and was able to sorta parlay that negative experience to a positive one. That sort of detail worked well but I need more in regards to Maxwell’s operation and how he manages to go undetected in his illegal proclivities.

Although Max has had no romantic relationships—what of platonic ones? Does he have friends or acquaintances? You portray Max as someone who is bullied and mocked for his childhood injury and you comment on how that has caused him to be a bit of a recluse…but how does that reclusive nature function in a world (a high school students one) where that isn’t an option? How do his parents and teachers react to that reclusive nature and how does he respond to efforts to get involved? I get the sense that there is a bit of an economic stress on Maxwell due to the fact that he had to save up for a guitar and his parents while concerned for him and his health don’t seem to be able to invest in him time or money? The same child that they were able to get their church to fundraise for and get surgery for is now being victimized and drug dealing. What about that church that helped fund his facial reconstruction surgery and religion and how it effected Maxwell’s life?

I do like that he has a focus and drive for academics—but what is his favorite subject? What does Max look to major in when it comes to college? What do his parents think of his passivity and what sort of ambitions do they have for him? To go from an accident and rehab to potentially getting a scholarship isn’t a small thing! Expanding and expounding upon this stuff I think will give us a more fully realized and picture of Max!

I know that this may seem like a lot but Maxwell has a lot going on! Let’s move onto the next stuff!

Advantages & Disadvantages

For the advantages section, let us nix the terms possible and probably here—we are talking about absolute, concrete advantages for Max and not ‘possible’ ones. I think this is pretty solid in regards to the spirit of what you’re trying to say—but you need to say it a bit better. I think you’re speaking towards pain tolerance and the ability to catch others by surprise. One of these is a real advantage and the other is something based upon the perception others have of him. You cannot speak for others and so you cannot really say what they would expect of Maxwell. You paint the picture of a pretty smart and multifaceted kid here—I think you can think of a better advantage or you can nix that one out.

For disadvantages, you can nix out that ‘He has a myriad of disadvantages going into SOTF’ and just go right into listing those disadvantages instead. I think you can probably condense the final disadvantage to something to the effect of his inability to respond to physical violence more so than his varying chances whether armed or unarmed. I think that fits more into setting and what you’re trying to say!

And that’s that! Like I said before—I know it may seem like a lot but don’t be discouraged! If you need any help or would like to talk about this process more, again—don’t be afriand to shoot me a PM or hit me up on Discord. You can post in here when you’ve finished these edits and I’ll give Max another look!

[Irredeemable]

Alright, first round of edits done. Let's see how much Max has been polished up.

Changelog:

• Appearance tidied up as requested.
  More added on recovery from accident.
  Revision to why the bullying wasn't addressed very well.
  Completely reworked Max's dealing to focus away from weed.
  It is no longer possible to 'try for baby' with the Grim Reaper
  Platonic friendships mentioned now.
  Catholicism mentioned now.
  Academics expounded upon.
  Advantages and disadvantages cleaned up.

[Buko]

Alright! Round Two Review! I can already tell that there was a lotta improvements here and we’re inching closer to having Max get through!

Hobbies & Interests

Even though Max is no longer Marijuana Maxwell, I do feel what with the attention we’re giving drug dealing in this biography and how much it would/should define his character—it merits a mention as a hobby/interest.


Appearance

All good here! Reads much cleaner and looks perfectly okay with me!

Biography

This current biography has a lot more explanation and you’ve done a good job improving and grounding Max! There are still certain things that are hanging him up and keeping him from getting approved and they mostly still are related to the two core characteristics and vehicles for him (the drug dealing and the bullying). I know through our discord discussions and just by my feel of the character that this has been a bit of a struggle in terms of adjusting—but fear not, you’ve done great so far and we’re only a few degrees away from acceptability!

Turning to academics, Max’s grades would steadily improve even as he became more and more bullied, and the mercy of a teacher in his school’s badly underfunded music division would allow him to learn how to play the guitar.

This sentence is a bit choppy and so you’re going to want to cut it in half here. Give equal weight to both the bullies and the teacher. I also think that because this mercy extended to Maxwell is so rare and significant—the teacher deserves some significance as well. A line or two about what Max enjoyed about the lessons or even just a descriptor of the teacher and his teaching style would suffice and I think you’d get a lot of mileage here.

The same goes for the security officers around campus- Max’s almost pathological reluctance to fight back means that even the school’s strict fighting policy rarely applies to him, leaving him in the good graces of those that enforce the rules and giving him far more of the benefit of the doubt when it comes to inspections.

So, the thing about zero tolerance for fighting is…there is zero tolerance for fighting. I think this is at the crux of a bit of the issue with Maxwell in that we’re going all in on sorta this bullied and tormented kid angle. That is fine and relatable—everybody gets bullied and Max has a big target right on his face. I get it and I understand it. The way that bullying is being portrayed here (at least in regard to the physicality of it) is just veering to the extreme and into the unrealistic a bit.

I did a fair amount of research into bullying and bullying with a physical element only falls into below 30% of incidents whereas verbal and cyberbullying are much more common. dosomething.org has a lot of facts on bullying and even beyond our anecdotal experiences—1 in 5 kids are going to be experiencing bullying. It is so common and prevalent that (unfortunately) it wouldn't be something of a unique struggle only for Max or something that would make him standout worthy of pity or grace. Bullying and physical bullying especially carry so much of a stigma that the response is often fierce and indiscriminate that I don't think Maxwell would be gaining much in the way of privilege aside from sad glances. The consequences for physical violence is too large for it to be a constant sort of thing. His bullies just wouldn't be able to get away with it consistently. It is the more subtle bullying that leaves both more permanent scars and people get away with more.

I think the key here is to focus and put more onus on the verbal and emotional taunts and then isolate and give proper weight to one or two moments of significant physical violence—keeping in mind that the zero-tolerance policy for fighting means that there are equitable consequences even for someone who is a perpetual victim like Max. You can have Maxwell be consistently bullied and you can have some occasions where that bullying has gotten physical—but a kid being consistently tortured and tormented physically at school isn’t so realistic for a small and “small town” school like JEM. Less is more here in regards to physical "fights" and conflicts with schoolyard tormentors. Feel free to be relentless in the verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse though.

Max’s drug dealing began shortly after he moved to High School. To Max, the whole business seemed simply practical- although he did smoke weed, this was not his main product. Instead, Max worked with prescription medicine- Oxycodone (from his father, who was prescribed it for chronic pain relating to his work,) Valium, and Adderall being his main products. These drugs have several advantages when it comes to dealing in John Endecott- firstly, it’s much easier to pass off prescription drugs as something one is supposed to have during a random bag check, secondly, it has no tell-tale smell like weed does, and thirdly, they have the advantage of being a common occurrence in many American households- including his own.

So, we spoke about the issues surrounding Max dealing weed and I think you intelligently pivoted here to him going the prescription drug route. My moral quandaries with sending someone away from weed and towards pills aside—I think this does solve a lot of the issues with how Maxwell is able to deal drugs and get drugs undetected. There is still the issue with his parents and their involvement with both his drug use and the drug procurement. By having Maxwell deal Oxy and his father’s oxy at that—we get into some more weeds.

You have hit on the fact that there is an opioid epidemic and that opioids are over prescribed. I think it can be believable that his father would have that crisis touched upon him—but now we get into the why of it. What injuries and surgeries has Maxwell’s father gotten into that has caused him to be so reliant on pain killers and for years at this point? Have there been corresponding workmen's comp cases and does both the injury that Maxwell suffered and his father's own injuries effect their family econimically? How does Maxwell manage to get a hold of his father's pills? If his father needs the pain killers—does he notice that some go missing and does he have to deal with withdrawals? To speak to my own experience, my mother is someone who suffers from chronic pain due to fibromyalgia and I am in charge of her pain management. She has both extended-release morphine and immediate release and when she misses even a dose of the ER—she begins to feel the nausea and shakes that come with withdrawal. Has Maxwell ever had a close call with his own drug use or with stealing drugs from his father? How does he explain his smoking weed to them or the extra money he gets from selling drugs? I know it's a lot but if sellin' dope was easy--everybody would do it. Drugs are very profitable and stuff. There's a barrier and cost of entry into kingpindom.

A lot of these questions are there whether the oxy element is or not—I think you have more maneuverability in the profile process if Max is dealing his own prescriptions and not his fathers. However, if you are dedicated to the oxy-pain killer route—those are the questions we have to consider and get answers for.

The rest of the biography stuff looks up to par and I particularly enjoy the bits of how he sorta interacts with study partners and group projects and the like! I'm beginning to get a vision for this guy!

Advantages & Disadvantages

You need a little bit more in the Advantages. I think you can focus on stuff outside of the physical resistance here, maybe Max’s critical thinking and mental acuity can be described as an advantage. This whole section is very close, just has some bits that are keeping it from being golden.

Disadvantages…

Furthermore, Max is far more used to having violence done to him than doing it himself- he’s just not someone used to dishing out physical violence to others.

This is everybody isn’t it? Most of these kids are not used to dishing out physical violence onto others—most people are not. This is more of an assumption of fact on SOTF than an advantage/disadvantage. You gotta nix this disadvantage or instead speak to actual moral or physical refusal to respond to violence or maybe instead focusing on how he shrinks away and is easily intimidated/folds to violence.

And there we go! When you’re done with these—I’ll give it another look! Almost there! Any questions feel free to hit me up via messenger pigeon or smoke signal!

[Irredeemable]

Changelog 0.2

• Sentence choppiness increased by chopping it in half and making paragraphs from its corpse.
  Paragraph on the teacher/his introduction to music added.
  Removed implications of more obvious violence.
  Removed rappour with campus security, replaced with flying under their attention.
  Reduced chance of decapitated heads talking.
  Adjusted drug dealing as per Discord chat.
  Advantages and disadvantages tweaked.
  Minor formatting tewaks.
  Removed him having two variants of his middle name.

[Buko]

Alright--almost there and this last edit is something of a bit of an oversight on my part thus far. I do apologize. I'm not tryin' to create hoops for you. There is one final question that needs to be answered...

Max’s parents did, of course, note his increasing retreat into his room, but being busy, working class people with two other children to handle sucked away much of their time.

Max's siblings--how old are they and what is his relationship like with them? I imagine since Max is a bit of a homebody, they might be the ones who deal with him the most. A line or two with ages and names and just Max's general desposition as an older or younger sibling would be cool here. What kinda brother is Max?

And, because it is me, it always does go back to weed.

When it comes to Max’s own drug use, his parents are fairly ambivalent about weed, which they are aware he consumes. As working-class parents, they have bigger issues with him smoking a legal substance with his own money, and as Max has independent control of his own finances he’s able to hide the extra income he gets from drug dealing without raising any questions.

I am fine with working class parents being chill with their kid smoking weed and all that--I am a living witness in that a common parental strategy is "I'd rather you do it at home than out on the streets". I just think it does have to be mentioned that it is underage weed smokin' since he's been doing it for much longer than he has been an adult. If he has only recently opened up with his parents about his marijuana usage but as a younger teenager had to make efforts to hide it (part of the fun of starting the habit to be honest)--that could work too!

Finish line in sight! Thank you so much for your patience and hard effort so far! I think this the last round!

[Irredeemable]

Alright, no fancy changelog- I cleaned it all up as per the Discord discussion.

[Buko]

So do I do it? Do I let the one eyed drug dealer into the halls of V8...?

Does a bear shit in the woods? I guess depending on the bear.

Either way--congratulations, welcome to V8 Pregame and SOTF proper and most importantly...

APPROVED!