Name: Marian Dick
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Singing in the school choir (contralto), watching horror movies, hanging out with her friends, working at A Walk in the Bark, attending glassmaking workshops at the Salem Community College
Appearance: Marian is a short (5’0”) and overweight (140 pounds) teenage girl. Her weight is distributed around her upper body, giving her an upside down triangle shape. While her torso is stocky, her limbs are short and her articulations are knobby.
Marian has droopy blue eyes with short eyelashes, and with small milia on her eyelids. Her nose is prominent and wide, with a clear wave and lowered tip due to a fracture as a child. She is of Italian and East European descent. Her skin tans easily and it is littered with freckles. She has severe acne on her nose, her forehead and her chin. Her lips are thin and wide, almost matching the length of her square jaw. She often covers it up with makeup. She prefers a natural look, preferring nude and neutral colours. She has no piercings other than on her ears, which are adorned with small silver hoops.
She has a round face with a deep widow’s peak. Her hair is dirty blonde, reaching below her breasts. Her hair is usually up in a ponytail to keep it out of her face. While her hair is usually wavy, it becomes progressively frizzier as the day passes, much to her dismay.
Marian’s clothing style can be best described as modest and unflattering. Marian often wears baggy clothes that cover her entire body, making her appear larger than she is. She prefers wearing neutral colours in the range of grays.
On the day of the abduction, Marian was wearing a Christmas sweater from the lost and found after spilling her drink on herself. She was still wearing her gray jogging pants, but now with large, brown stains on her thighs. She was wearing her mother’s comfortable, gray nursing shoes with black socks.
Biography: Richard Dick, a freelancing pianist, and Anita Dick, a lounge singer, were an on-and-off couple for several years before having their sole and only child, Marian, after a failure of Anita’s birth control. Despite their same last name, they never married, and regularly meet with other partners for sex while they were both working as nightlife entertainers in Boston. Anita, after announcing her pregnancy to Richard, moved to Salem, Massachusetts, to live with her parents until she gave birth to Marian at the hospital.
After Marian’s birth, Richard stayed in Boston while Anita continued to live with her parents in Salem to take a break from performances as she recovered. The two parents agreed on raising the child together, letting Marian move between her parent’s home, usually staying the weekend with her father and the week with her mother. They often had to supplement their income with tutoring sessions in either singing or piano. Sometimes, Anita would take up proofreading gigs or even take surveys online as a job to do from home while she cared for Marian.
Marian's childhood was marked by two things: her mother’s gigs and her father’s attempts to avoid socialization. After a sabbatical year from performance, her mother started to sing again in bars and hotels. When Anita couldn’t afford a babysitter and when Richard was busy, Anita would sometimes take her daughter to her gigs. Due to her young age, she does not remember these experiences spent in the green room, but her mother often brings up the gratuities she received when people noticed her daughter. Her father tried to do the opposite by keeping her far away from his gigs. Being a sickly child since birth, he took advantage of Marian’s vomiting issue and often blamed her to avoid showing up at parties and meeting up with people like his family. When he did show up to social events, he would bring his daughter along, wait for her to get sick, and then go home. Marian’s cyclic vomiting syndrome was diagnosed around that time after the concerns of his family. While the cause is unknown, it was noted that she mainly got sick after meals, days before the upcoming events, and when she was emotionally distressed. After a set of minor changes in her life like the size of her food portions and reassurance, she got progressively better.
Marian was a straight B student in elementary school, with A’s in the arts and a C in physical education. Her parents did try to get her to pay more attention in certain classes and to take physical education seriously, but Marian’s intellect and mental health issues relating to food stopped her from achieving higher grades. Socially, Marian was thriving. She had many friends and often had them over for sleepovers at her mother’s home in Salem, and sometimes for the weekend at her father’s in Boston. Between elementary school and middle school, Anita announced to her daughter that Richard would be moving in with them because they were going steady. Marian was deeply ecstatic.
At the start of middle school, Marian was terribly bored because of her fixed routine. She applied and tried out for the school choir despite no prior training in singing other than with her mother, and she managed to get in as a contralto. Her school choir experience has been a net positive for her, making many friends. Her mother was particularly pleased with seeing her daughter join the school choir, as she was a musician herself. Anita often helped her daughter with songs and singing techniques, making her an excellent performer.
As her friend group expanded, she started to slowly grow into her own person. Hanging out with her friends became very important to her and she dearly holds on to them. The majority of her hobbies changed as her friend circle grows and changes. While she isn’t herself interested in these things, she will nonetheless attend their activities like after-school activities or sports competitions.
After she graduated from middle school, Marian entered the John Endecott Memorial Academy. She tried out for the school choir and got in. She was alongside her friends from middle school and made new friends there. She originally wanted to join more clubs, but then she reconsidered when she realized she’d have to put more on her plate. So, she chose to limit her after-school activity to focus on her friends and her schoolwork.
Marian’s friends are the most important aspect of her life. She unconditionally loves them and wants them to unconditionally love her in return. She spends most of her time with them after-school when she isn’t doing homework or at the choir. She was introduced to horror movies with them, and she was pleasantly surprised by her reactions. Marian originally thought that she would hate them, but she found herself entranced in the world of horror. She is now a self-described horror fan. Her favourite subgenre is cosmic horror as she enjoys being reminded of her mortality. Her favourite horror movie has to be Unfriended: Dark Web. She started smoking weed irregularly during that time, being more of a social smoker than anything else. She does enjoy the buzz, but it isn’t something she seeks out.
Her parents were, however, less enthused with Marian’s after-school habits. They often found her strange, as she wasn’t going to many parties or skipping classes. They expected her to behave as they acted in high school, and so they assumed she was hiding something from them. As they tried to dig deeper into Marian’s hobbies and interests, they realized that their daughter wasn’t like them as teenagers and even quite average all things considered. Other than Marian smoking weed, which both her parents don’t care about, she is a dutiful daughter who does her chores and her homework and always comes back before her curfew.
During the pandemic and the following quarantine, Marian started to thrive. She deeply enjoyed staying at home and doing her classes from there, and while she did miss her friends, she often talked to them on chat services and the phone. She spent most of her time studying, watching movies, and sometimes helping her parents.
However, for her parents the pandemic was quite upsetting due to the majority of their gigs being cancelled. Financially, it was also a deeply stressful time. Marian’s mother, Anita, became increasingly more anxious and started to pick fights with Richard until they broke up. Richard started to work at 7/11 during the day to avoid Anita while she worked doing several work-from-home gigs like proofreading. However, since they were living together and couldn’t afford to move out, they had to live together which led to them getting back together and then breaking up again. Marian, as the spectator of this drama, was deeply distraught. Marian started spending more and more time in her bedroom, trying to avoid her parents.
The conflicts tampered down as the quarantine ended, and when she noticed her parents going back to their usual selves, Marian managed to calm herself down. Finally able to get out of the house, she found a job at a pet store, A Walk in the Bark, as a cashier. While the pay is meagre and her hours are often cut and changed, Marian enjoys the work. Originally, she didn’t think she’d enjoy it, but Marian’s friendships with her coworkers and the usual clients have been a positive note in her post-pandemic life.
Wanting to do something with her income, Marian started looking into potential art venues. After talking to her art teacher, Ms. Bethany Prince, she was given a list of potential things to look at, and she ultimately picked glassmaking, specifically glass blowing. She was interested in the difficulty of the craft, and the vibrant creations of the artists. Bethany was ecstatic at this, and she’s been following the progress of Marian’s art. While she is essentially a dabbler and often breaks her pieces more than not, she deeply enjoys the craft. She currently makes small pieces, making flowers and animals, and often gifts them to her friends and family. She has become quite dexterous from her practice. She is interested in expanding her craft toward stained glass, but she wants to get around perfecting glass blowing before doing something else.
Marian is relatively happy with her life after the pandemic. She enjoys going to school, going to choir, hanging out with her friends, and working on her art. Marian enjoys her modest life. She still sometimes seeks out thrills by smoking weed with her friends or watching horror movies. Marian continues to visit the glass working workshops at the Salem Community College, sometimes with her mother or Ms. Bethany.
Personality-wise, Marian is still growing. While she does tend to shut herself in while she is upset, she does want to be near people at her lowest. Despite her generally upbeat behaviour, she sometimes hits a slump and disappears from her social circle for a couple of days. She spends most of her time sulking in her room, sometimes missing days of school, before going back as if nothing happened. She tries to not worry her friends about her bouts of depression, but sometimes her struggles overcome her. She prefers to not talk about her problems and what troubles her, and this often leads her to withdraw herself. One of her sources of bouts of depression is her relationship with her parents. While she knows they love her, and she thinks she loves them, she is often hurt by their behaviour. She is very affected when her parents fight one another, and feels physically sick when it happens. Whenever her parents are fighting, she often shuts down and avoids social interactions for a certain time. They are aware of this, and while they try to make it up to her, she would just want them to apologize for making her upset but they never do it on their own. She has to reach out to them for them to make amends, and she finds herself wishing they’d take the initiative. Her parents do try to help, letting her recover at home after calling the school.
After graduating from high school, she plans to go to community college to get an associate’s degree in glass art while working at A Walk in the Bark. She isn’t sure what to do after her associate’s, but she knows she will most likely continue with a bachelor’s in fine art.
Advantages: Marian is a dexterous and patient girl, able to focus on tasks for a long amount of time without losing her concentration. She is also known to be cheerful and optimistic despite her bouts of depression and she is a generally likable person to be around.
Disadvantages: Marian tends to shut herself in when she is stressed or when there’s conflict, leading to her being unresponsive to her surroundings. This could easily lead to a situation where she is taken advantage of. She is also out of shape because of her sedentary life.
Marian Dick
I've always been a bad girl
-
Ruggahissy
- Posts: 2588
- Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2018 4:13 pm
Hello, I'm Ruggahissy and I will be your moderator. Marian will need a couple of changes before she's ready to go.
- There needs to be a space between Grade and 12.
- No need for a hyphen in glass working because "glass working" is its own noun and not working as an adjective for "workshops". However, I'm going to ask for more clarity on what "glass working" means. Does this mean stained glass work or glass blowing/making or glass sculpting? I do glass work myself and there is a big distinction between these areas. I wasn't totally sure from the section on glass in the profile. You can refer here
- No hyphen in upside down per Merriam Webster.
- I need some more information on what her face looks like. What color are her eyes? What does her nose look like? Eye shape? Lips? Chin?
- "Massaschusset" should be "Massachusetts." Where was she living before? I assumed they both lived and worked in Boston because they were both nightlife entertainers. This also makes it sound like she physically gave birth in her parents' house. If so, why? Why not go to a hospital?
- I tried to look up some information on how much gig pianists and lounge singers make, but it was very variable. It ranged from not much money at all due to working sporadically at lower-end establishments to a steady living if musicians have agreements with nicer hotels and venues or cruise lines. What exactly is the financial situation with these two parents? Can Anita afford to take a whole year off? Do they need to supplement their entertainment work with other jobs? Are the working consistently with arrangements with nice venues that allows them to be middle class?
- What vomiting issue? I thought that perhaps it was the normal vomiting that babies did in the first year of life while their stomach is still learning to digest, but it keeps getting mentioned later, which means it is something more serious that requires more information. What is causing it? How long has it been going on? Has she been to the doctor?
- This is a kind of strange thing for them to think of her. She has an interest in singing, which I would think Anita would think is a very worthy hobby given it's her profession. Marian has her own hobbies and personalities so "uninteresting" is a strange thing for parents to think when their child does do things.
- I understand that the pandemic is financially stressful for the family since their gigs are canceled, but did they go about getting other jobs to ease some of the pressure? It may have been jobs that weren't ideal, but if you have to work at 7/11 to pay the bills, then you'll take the job at 7/11. If not, did they rely solely on government assistance and savings?
Now comes the portion of the evening when I get to talk about glass.
As I said up top, it's not totally clear what is meant by "glass work" in the glass section. Is she creating stained glass pieces or is she blowing glass and glass sculpting? A note that glass blowing classes can be pretty expensive, but if she wants to put her work money into it, that's fine. Or maybe she does both stained glass and glass blowing?
- How is her relationship with her parents now? Are things more or less stable with them? It seemed like their thoughts about her were kind of mean. Like, they love her and she loves them? Or no? When she stays home in her funks, the school will call her parents. Do they do anything?
That's about it for now. If you have any questions or need anything, I'm available via board PM. Let me know when edits are made.
Grade:12th
- There needs to be a space between Grade and 12.
glass-working workshops
- No need for a hyphen in glass working because "glass working" is its own noun and not working as an adjective for "workshops". However, I'm going to ask for more clarity on what "glass working" means. Does this mean stained glass work or glass blowing/making or glass sculpting? I do glass work myself and there is a big distinction between these areas. I wasn't totally sure from the section on glass in the profile. You can refer here
- 5'0''(5’0)
upside-down triangle shape.
- No hyphen in upside down per Merriam Webster.
- I need some more information on what her face looks like. What color are her eyes? What does her nose look like? Eye shape? Lips? Chin?
- I think this is probably meant to be "Despite their same last name"Despite their same last night, they never married,
Anita, after announcing her pregnancy to Richard, moved to Boston, Massaschusset, where she gave birth in her family’s home.
- "Massaschusset" should be "Massachusetts." Where was she living before? I assumed they both lived and worked in Boston because they were both nightlife entertainers. This also makes it sound like she physically gave birth in her parents' house. If so, why? Why not go to a hospital?
- Why is Richard moving to Salem if Anita just moved to Boston? According to the previous sentence, Anita moved to Boston after becoming pregnant, which I assumed was to be near Richard and her parents, but I guess she and Richard met and lived in some entirely different place? If he was living in a totally different city or state or something, and he wants to be close to Anita and Marian, why not just move to Boston? Seems like a better choice since there are more venues for him to find work in. If it's about the rent in Boston being expensive, why did he chose Salem specifically? There are other cheap suburbs to live in near Boston.After Marian’s birth, Richard reluctantly moved to Salem, to be closer to his daughter and his on-and-off girlfriend.
After a sabbatical year from performance, her mother started to sing again in bars and hotels.
- I tried to look up some information on how much gig pianists and lounge singers make, but it was very variable. It ranged from not much money at all due to working sporadically at lower-end establishments to a steady living if musicians have agreements with nicer hotels and venues or cruise lines. What exactly is the financial situation with these two parents? Can Anita afford to take a whole year off? Do they need to supplement their entertainment work with other jobs? Are the working consistently with arrangements with nice venues that allows them to be middle class?
- Tips for what? People were giving her child-rearing tips?Due to her young age, she does not remember these experiences spent in the green room, but her mother often brings up the tips she received when people noticed her daughter.
He took advantage of Marian’s vomiting issue and often blamed her to avoid showing up at parties and meeting up with people like his family.
- What vomiting issue? I thought that perhaps it was the normal vomiting that babies did in the first year of life while their stomach is still learning to digest, but it keeps getting mentioned later, which means it is something more serious that requires more information. What is causing it? How long has it been going on? Has she been to the doctor?
- "Follow more" is strange phrasing. Trying to get her to pay attention more?Her parents did try to get her to follow more in certain classes and to take physical education seriously
- Again, I'm not totally clear why her father lives in Salem. Later Anita announces that due to their financial situation they need to move to Salem with Richard, but I don't know what their financial situation is (though that could be cleared up with the earlier question I asked about it).Socially, Marian was thriving. She had many friends and often had them over for sleepovers at her mother’s home in Boston, and sometimes for the weekend at her father’s in Salem.
However, due to her financial situation, Anita announced to her daughter that they would be moving to Salem to live with Richard and that Marian would now attend school in Salem instead of Boston.
- after-school activitySo, she chose to limit her after school-activity to focus on her friends and her schoolwork.
- I assume this is supposed to be "they assumed she was hiding something from them."They expected her to behave as they acted in high school, and so they assumed they were hiding something from them.
As they tried to dig deeper into Marian’s hobbies and interests, they realized that their daughter was just uninteresting.
- This is a kind of strange thing for them to think of her. She has an interest in singing, which I would think Anita would think is a very worthy hobby given it's her profession. Marian has her own hobbies and personalities so "uninteresting" is a strange thing for parents to think when their child does do things.
- I understand that the pandemic is financially stressful for the family since their gigs are canceled, but did they go about getting other jobs to ease some of the pressure? It may have been jobs that weren't ideal, but if you have to work at 7/11 to pay the bills, then you'll take the job at 7/11. If not, did they rely solely on government assistance and savings?
Now comes the portion of the evening when I get to talk about glass.
As I said up top, it's not totally clear what is meant by "glass work" in the glass section. Is she creating stained glass pieces or is she blowing glass and glass sculpting? A note that glass blowing classes can be pretty expensive, but if she wants to put her work money into it, that's fine. Or maybe she does both stained glass and glass blowing?
- Should be "dexterous."She has become quite dextrous from her practice.
-I enjoy taking pictures of squirrels as much as the next child murderer, but this is the first time this has ever been mentioned and comes across as a pretty random inclusion into the profile.She enjoys going to school, going to choir, hanging out with her friends, and taking pictures of squirrels.
- How is her relationship with her parents now? Are things more or less stable with them? It seemed like their thoughts about her were kind of mean. Like, they love her and she loves them? Or no? When she stays home in her funks, the school will call her parents. Do they do anything?
- Again, should be "dexterous." Also "woman" is a bit odd given that she is 17. Person or girl?Marian is a dextrous and patient woman
That's about it for now. If you have any questions or need anything, I'm available via board PM. Let me know when edits are made.
EDIT: no idea why the format got like this
Grade:12th
- There needs to be a space between Grade and 12.
done
glass-working workshops
- No need for a hyphen in glass working because "glass working" is its own noun and not working as an adjective for "workshops". However, I'm going to ask for more clarity on what "glass working" means. Does this mean stained glass work or glass blowing/making or glass sculpting? I do glass work myself and there is a big distinction between these areas. I wasn't totally sure from the section on glass in the profile. You can refer here
I’ve been using this website as a reference for the profile (https://www.salemcc.edu/programs/glass-art and https://www.salemcc.edu/glass/workshops)
The website refers to them as glassmaking (experiences) so I will be changing it to that. (http://www.salemcc.edu/glass/experience) in the hobbies section because I think I understand it’s about multiple glass working techniques, including glassblowing.
for example of a workshop that took place last week: https://e.givesmart.com/events/mVr/
(5’0)
- 5'0''
done
upside-down triangle shape.
- No hyphen in upside down per Merriam Webster.
done
- I need some more information on what her face looks like. What color are her eyes? What does her nose look like? Eye shape? Lips? Chin?
This is going to be in the second paragraph where I refer to her acne and face shape all. The part added will be in italics. I also added things about piercings because I forgot to add that. I also used the term wavy for a nose, which I didn’t think you could do that but I thought it was cool. (https://charlesthornemd.com/images/type ... y-help.jpg)
[spoiler=she’s got a face. allegedly]Marian has droopy blue eyes with short eyelashes, and with small milia on her eyelids. Her nose is prominent and wide, with a clear wave and lowered tip due to a fracture as a child. She is of Italian and East European descent. Her skin tans easily and it is littered with freckles. She has severe acne on her nose, her forehead and her chin. Her lips are thin and wide, almost matching the length of her square jaw. She often covers it up with makeup. She prefers a natural look, preferring nude and neutral colours. She has no piercings other than her ears, which are adorned with small silver hoops.[/spoiler]
Despite their same last night, they never married,
- I think this is probably meant to be "Despite their same last name"
yeah oops i wrote this late at night its freudian i guess
Anita, after announcing her pregnancy to Richard, moved to Boston, Massaschusset, where she gave birth in her family’s home.
- "Massaschusset" should be "Massachusetts." Where was she living before? I assumed they both lived and worked in Boston because they were both nightlife entertainers. This also makes it sound like she physically gave birth in her parents' house. If so, why? Why not go to a hospital?
done this is a compound situation. I meant to write two sentences, but combined them.
- Why is Richard moving to Salem if Anita just moved to Boston? According to the previous sentence, Anita moved to Boston after becoming pregnant, which I assumed was to be near Richard and her parents, but I guess she and Richard met and lived in some entirely different place? If he was living in a totally different city or state or something, and he wants to be close to Anita and Marian, why not just move to Boston? Seems like a better choice since there are more venues for him to find work in. If it's about the rent in Boston being expensive, why did he chose Salem specifically? There are other cheap suburbs to live in near Boston.
done
- I tried to look up some information on how much gig pianists and lounge singers make, but it was very variable. It ranged from not much money at all due to working sporadically at lower-end establishments to a steady living if musicians have agreements with nicer hotels and venues or cruise lines. What exactly is the financial situation with these two parents? Can Anita afford to take a whole year off? Do they need to supplement their entertainment work with other jobs? Are the working consistently with arrangements with nice venues that allows them to be middle class?
done
Also you might have noticed this is also the part where I combine several parts of the critique into one big critique so… sorry. You raise the good point that Richard wouldn’t move to Salem just to be near when he could move to Boston instead nad just live somewhere else….And he wouldn’t just commute there for work so, hum, that’s a snip. I tied up a bunch of loose ends together into a frankenstein profile.
How I’m going to handle this is that I’m going to put the edits below all together. I know it sounds big and complicated, but like I’m making things easier for now and then the future critiques.
I think this makes the big issue of “why did richard move”. And also the money making issue. This will save some critiquing from later. I didn’t put an exact ‘are they middle class’ because their income varies, but they try to make it steady/ier.
- Tips for what? People were giving her child-rearing tips?
cute baby tips. like “im a single mother please give me more money” tips. like “oh wow your baby is cute you shouldnt really not bring her to a bar, heres 10$ please dont come back with the child”
I changed it to gratuities to make it clearer and not like tips that are “oh gosh please dont break her neck”
He took advantage of Marian’s vomiting issue and often blamed her to avoid showing up at parties and meeting up with people like his family.
- What vomiting issue? I thought that perhaps it was the normal vomiting that babies did in the first year of life while their stomach is still learning to digest, but it keeps getting mentioned later, which means it is something more serious that requires more information. What is causing it? How long has it been going on? Has she been to the doctor?
done
Her parents did try to get her to follow more in certain classes and to take physical education seriously
- "Follow more" is strange phrasing. Trying to get her to pay attention more?
french idiom translated. “suivre plus” translates literally to follow more. changed to pay more attention
Socially, Marian was thriving. She had many friends and often had them over for sleepovers at her mother’s home in Boston, and sometimes for the weekend at her father’s in Salem.
However, due to her financial situation, Anita announced to her daughter that they would be moving to Salem to live with Richard and that Marian would now attend school in Salem instead of Boston.
- Again, I'm not totally clear why her father lives in Salem. Later Anita announces that due to their financial situation they need to move to Salem with Richard, but I don't know what their financial situation is (though that could be cleared up with the earlier question I asked about it).
and it did. tldr I’m changing this to ‘Anita and Richard decided to go steady and not sleep around so thye live together now. They’re.. a couple. Makes more sense later.
So, she chose to limit her after school-activity to focus on her friends and her schoolwork.
- after-school activity
done
They expected her to behave as they acted in high school, and so they assumed they were hiding something from them.
- I assume this is supposed to be "they assumed she was hiding something from them."
yeah
As they tried to dig deeper into Marian’s hobbies and interests, they realized that their daughter was just uninteresting.
- This is a kind of strange thing for them to think of her. She has an interest in singing, which I would think Anita would think is a very worthy hobby given it's her profession. Marian has her own hobbies and personalities so "uninteresting" is a strange thing for parents to think when their child does do things.
I think I meant uninteresting in a nice way but I don’t think you can say it in a nice way. I meant it like… … normal? but that's not good.
I changed it to “As they tried to dig deeper into Marian’s hobbies and interests, they realized that their daughter wasn’t like them as teenagers and even quite average all things considered.”
- I understand that the pandemic is financially stressful for the family since their gigs are canceled, but did they go about getting other jobs to ease some of the pressure? It may have been jobs that weren't ideal, but if you have to work at 7/11 to pay the bills, then you'll take the job at 7/11. If not, did they rely solely on government assistance and savings?
So the thing from above I brought up? the little survey things and all? yeah that’s added.
also “Richard started to work at 7/11 during the day to avoid Anita while she worked doing several work-from-home gigs like proofreading.”
Now comes the portion of the evening when I get to talk about glass.
originally she was supposed to eat glass. i will not comment more.
As I said up top, it's not totally clear what is meant by "glass work" in the glass section. Is she creating stained glass pieces or is she blowing glass and glass sculpting? A note that glass blowing classes can be pretty expensive, but if she wants to put her work money into it, that's fine. Or maybe she does both stained glass and glass blowing?
like the thing I mentioned at the start, she attends glassmaking workshops, but i added that she focuses on glass blowing.
She has become quite dextrous from her practice.
- Should be "dexterous."
...why did grammarly tell its dexterous…
She enjoys going to school, going to choir, hanging out with her friends, and taking pictures of squirrels.
-I enjoy taking pictures of squirrels as much as the next child murderer, but this is the first time this has ever been mentioned and comes across as a pretty random inclusion into the profile.
…...honestly? I don’t know what I meant with the squirrel thing. Like… I have no idea. Whatsoever. I don’t know how this get in. I tried to ask around and nobody knew. I’m going to assume that’s a placeholder for hobbies from a first draft, so I will be changing it to working on her art
- How is her relationship with her parents now? Are things more or less stable with them? It seemed like their thoughts about her were kind of mean. Like, they love her and she loves them? Or no? When she stays home in her funks, the school will call her parents. Do they do anything? Marian is a dextrous and patient woman
- Again, should be "dexterous." Also "woman" is a bit odd given that she is 17. Person or girl?
mhmhmhmmhmhm girl
I think I got everything? Hopefully?
Grade:12th
- There needs to be a space between Grade and 12.
done
glass-working workshops
- No need for a hyphen in glass working because "glass working" is its own noun and not working as an adjective for "workshops". However, I'm going to ask for more clarity on what "glass working" means. Does this mean stained glass work or glass blowing/making or glass sculpting? I do glass work myself and there is a big distinction between these areas. I wasn't totally sure from the section on glass in the profile. You can refer here
I’ve been using this website as a reference for the profile (https://www.salemcc.edu/programs/glass-art and https://www.salemcc.edu/glass/workshops)
The website refers to them as glassmaking (experiences) so I will be changing it to that. (http://www.salemcc.edu/glass/experience) in the hobbies section because I think I understand it’s about multiple glass working techniques, including glassblowing.
for example of a workshop that took place last week: https://e.givesmart.com/events/mVr/
(5’0)
- 5'0''
done
upside-down triangle shape.
- No hyphen in upside down per Merriam Webster.
done
- I need some more information on what her face looks like. What color are her eyes? What does her nose look like? Eye shape? Lips? Chin?
This is going to be in the second paragraph where I refer to her acne and face shape all. The part added will be in italics. I also added things about piercings because I forgot to add that. I also used the term wavy for a nose, which I didn’t think you could do that but I thought it was cool. (https://charlesthornemd.com/images/type ... y-help.jpg)
[spoiler=she’s got a face. allegedly]Marian has droopy blue eyes with short eyelashes, and with small milia on her eyelids. Her nose is prominent and wide, with a clear wave and lowered tip due to a fracture as a child. She is of Italian and East European descent. Her skin tans easily and it is littered with freckles. She has severe acne on her nose, her forehead and her chin. Her lips are thin and wide, almost matching the length of her square jaw. She often covers it up with makeup. She prefers a natural look, preferring nude and neutral colours. She has no piercings other than her ears, which are adorned with small silver hoops.[/spoiler]
Despite their same last night, they never married,
- I think this is probably meant to be "Despite their same last name"
yeah oops i wrote this late at night its freudian i guess
Anita, after announcing her pregnancy to Richard, moved to Boston, Massaschusset, where she gave birth in her family’s home.
- "Massaschusset" should be "Massachusetts." Where was she living before? I assumed they both lived and worked in Boston because they were both nightlife entertainers. This also makes it sound like she physically gave birth in her parents' house. If so, why? Why not go to a hospital?
done this is a compound situation. I meant to write two sentences, but combined them.
- Why is Richard moving to Salem if Anita just moved to Boston? According to the previous sentence, Anita moved to Boston after becoming pregnant, which I assumed was to be near Richard and her parents, but I guess she and Richard met and lived in some entirely different place? If he was living in a totally different city or state or something, and he wants to be close to Anita and Marian, why not just move to Boston? Seems like a better choice since there are more venues for him to find work in. If it's about the rent in Boston being expensive, why did he chose Salem specifically? There are other cheap suburbs to live in near Boston.
done
- I tried to look up some information on how much gig pianists and lounge singers make, but it was very variable. It ranged from not much money at all due to working sporadically at lower-end establishments to a steady living if musicians have agreements with nicer hotels and venues or cruise lines. What exactly is the financial situation with these two parents? Can Anita afford to take a whole year off? Do they need to supplement their entertainment work with other jobs? Are the working consistently with arrangements with nice venues that allows them to be middle class?
done
Also you might have noticed this is also the part where I combine several parts of the critique into one big critique so… sorry. You raise the good point that Richard wouldn’t move to Salem just to be near when he could move to Boston instead nad just live somewhere else….And he wouldn’t just commute there for work so, hum, that’s a snip. I tied up a bunch of loose ends together into a frankenstein profile.
How I’m going to handle this is that I’m going to put the edits below all together. I know it sounds big and complicated, but like I’m making things easier for now and then the future critiques.
I think this makes the big issue of “why did richard move”. And also the money making issue. This will save some critiquing from later. I didn’t put an exact ‘are they middle class’ because their income varies, but they try to make it steady/ier.
- Tips for what? People were giving her child-rearing tips?
cute baby tips. like “im a single mother please give me more money” tips. like “oh wow your baby is cute you shouldnt really not bring her to a bar, heres 10$ please dont come back with the child”
I changed it to gratuities to make it clearer and not like tips that are “oh gosh please dont break her neck”
He took advantage of Marian’s vomiting issue and often blamed her to avoid showing up at parties and meeting up with people like his family.
- What vomiting issue? I thought that perhaps it was the normal vomiting that babies did in the first year of life while their stomach is still learning to digest, but it keeps getting mentioned later, which means it is something more serious that requires more information. What is causing it? How long has it been going on? Has she been to the doctor?
done
Her parents did try to get her to follow more in certain classes and to take physical education seriously
- "Follow more" is strange phrasing. Trying to get her to pay attention more?
french idiom translated. “suivre plus” translates literally to follow more. changed to pay more attention
Socially, Marian was thriving. She had many friends and often had them over for sleepovers at her mother’s home in Boston, and sometimes for the weekend at her father’s in Salem.
However, due to her financial situation, Anita announced to her daughter that they would be moving to Salem to live with Richard and that Marian would now attend school in Salem instead of Boston.
- Again, I'm not totally clear why her father lives in Salem. Later Anita announces that due to their financial situation they need to move to Salem with Richard, but I don't know what their financial situation is (though that could be cleared up with the earlier question I asked about it).
and it did. tldr I’m changing this to ‘Anita and Richard decided to go steady and not sleep around so thye live together now. They’re.. a couple. Makes more sense later.
So, she chose to limit her after school-activity to focus on her friends and her schoolwork.
- after-school activity
done
They expected her to behave as they acted in high school, and so they assumed they were hiding something from them.
- I assume this is supposed to be "they assumed she was hiding something from them."
yeah
As they tried to dig deeper into Marian’s hobbies and interests, they realized that their daughter was just uninteresting.
- This is a kind of strange thing for them to think of her. She has an interest in singing, which I would think Anita would think is a very worthy hobby given it's her profession. Marian has her own hobbies and personalities so "uninteresting" is a strange thing for parents to think when their child does do things.
I think I meant uninteresting in a nice way but I don’t think you can say it in a nice way. I meant it like… … normal? but that's not good.
I changed it to “As they tried to dig deeper into Marian’s hobbies and interests, they realized that their daughter wasn’t like them as teenagers and even quite average all things considered.”
- I understand that the pandemic is financially stressful for the family since their gigs are canceled, but did they go about getting other jobs to ease some of the pressure? It may have been jobs that weren't ideal, but if you have to work at 7/11 to pay the bills, then you'll take the job at 7/11. If not, did they rely solely on government assistance and savings?
So the thing from above I brought up? the little survey things and all? yeah that’s added.
also “Richard started to work at 7/11 during the day to avoid Anita while she worked doing several work-from-home gigs like proofreading.”
Now comes the portion of the evening when I get to talk about glass.
originally she was supposed to eat glass. i will not comment more.
As I said up top, it's not totally clear what is meant by "glass work" in the glass section. Is she creating stained glass pieces or is she blowing glass and glass sculpting? A note that glass blowing classes can be pretty expensive, but if she wants to put her work money into it, that's fine. Or maybe she does both stained glass and glass blowing?
like the thing I mentioned at the start, she attends glassmaking workshops, but i added that she focuses on glass blowing.
She has become quite dextrous from her practice.
- Should be "dexterous."
...why did grammarly tell its dexterous…
She enjoys going to school, going to choir, hanging out with her friends, and taking pictures of squirrels.
-I enjoy taking pictures of squirrels as much as the next child murderer, but this is the first time this has ever been mentioned and comes across as a pretty random inclusion into the profile.
…...honestly? I don’t know what I meant with the squirrel thing. Like… I have no idea. Whatsoever. I don’t know how this get in. I tried to ask around and nobody knew. I’m going to assume that’s a placeholder for hobbies from a first draft, so I will be changing it to working on her art
- How is her relationship with her parents now? Are things more or less stable with them? It seemed like their thoughts about her were kind of mean. Like, they love her and she loves them? Or no? When she stays home in her funks, the school will call her parents. Do they do anything? Marian is a dextrous and patient woman
- Again, should be "dexterous." Also "woman" is a bit odd given that she is 17. Person or girl?
mhmhmhmmhmhm girl
I think I got everything? Hopefully?
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Ruggahissy
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