Noah Karimi-Fallah

[Yonagoda]

Name: Noah Karimi-Fallah
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
Hobbies and Interests: Robotics, entomology, SOTF and the history of terrorism, crossdressing, pole dancing, communism, weirdcore, online trolling

Appearance: At almost 5’5 and 115 pounds, Noah is a small male for his age and wears his weight in mostly lean muscle on a rectangular figure. He is of Iranian heritage, and has clear light brown skin with a warm undertone. To his chagrin, he has dark moles scattered around his face and body. His body and facial hair normally grows quickly, but he shaves regularly because he hates the feel and look of facial hair. He has large hands and feet, attached to thin limbs with prominent veins and boniness.

Noah’s face is rectangular with a sharp, angular jaw but softer cheeks. His eyes are dark brown, round, and upturned, and he has a long, pointed nose. Noah has thick eyebrows that he carefully plucks to avoid having hairs grow near his eyelid or into a unibrow, and a wide mouth with average sized, naturally dark lips. His features are symmetrical, which is helped by the small amount of makeup he wears—eyeliner, eyebrow penciling, and occasionally eyeshadow. He has pierced, naturally pointy ears from mild Stahl's ear. His hair is dark brown, wavy, and reaches down to the lower neck. He is able to tie most of his hair into a small ponytail, but some strands at the front and side are too far away and intentionally cut short into a fringe. Noah has decent posture and speaks quickly with a raspy, medium-pitched voice. Whenever he sits or lays down, he tends to sprawl his limbs out.

The fashion tastes Noah has are rather unconventional, but he often has to balance his own taste and his mother’s disapproval. As a result, his outfits lean towards being more feminine and counterculture, but not as extreme as he would like. His wardrobe is filled with black and white monochrome clothes, with his tops being loose and oversized, but bottoms being either skin tight, short, or both.

On the day of the abduction, Noah was wearing a dark greyish olive green parka lined with lighter brown fur, a deep-necked black shirt with a white graphic of the tower tarot card, black ripped skinny jeans, and black lace-up steel-toed combat boots. He had put on his usual makeup of light eyeliner and eyebrow penciling and his black nails are chipped. He had on dangling iron feather-shaped earrings, and wore an iron chain necklace with metallic feathers and a ring on it. He tied his hair in a half-ponytail with a black hair tie. On his fingers, he had a few cheap iron rings, including one with a small head of a goat engraved on it, and on his wrists were a few leather bracelets. A small iron ladybug charm was pinned over his jacket’s right chest pocket, and he had tied his hair into a half-ponytail with a plain dark hair tie.

Biography: Born to Iranian-American immigrants in New York City, Noah is the youngest child and only son of his middle-class family. His mother, Maria Fallah, was a dentist with a side job writing novels who changed her first name to integrate better, while his father, Adel, was a news reporter. As a child, he was generally happy, but his older sister by 8 years, Dina, showed concerning behavior as a child that often went past his parents due to her good grades, and they dismissed her troublemaking under the assumption that she would grow out of it. Noah grew up feeling overshadowed by Dina, as she is a gifted student, while she succumbed to worse and worse influences as a result of interacting with peers that are involved in gang activity. Noah also had another sister, Mila, who was three years older.

If asked to talk about his childhood, Noah would say that he doesn’t remember much of his early elementary years. As a child both his school and home life weren’t exactly the best—his elementary school was sub-par, with an infamous ‘revolving door’ in terms of staffing. Noah wouldn’t consider himself to be a bullying victim until middle school, but his parents do agree that he was frequently teased.

When Noah was seven, Dina was arrested for selling the opioids that his mother takes for her chronic back pain, under the advice and instruction of her friends to steal a few pills and split the profit once they were sold. This incident was the end to a long and bitter one-sided dispute, where Maria enacted increasingly strict rules and punishments on her daughter that ended with Maria taking away her entire allowance and her electronics when she found that she'd been communicating with apparently shady people online, and Dina being fed up.

The resulting legal affairs tore the family apart, as they struggled, and failed to raise funds to hire a good lawyer. The crime caught local media attention, and the Fallah family was shunned by their community and friends due to Adel refusing to condemn Dina’s crimes, saying that she was manipulated by her friends to do the deed and still has a chance to reform. Most of the drama was kept a secret from Noah and his sister Mila, with them not wanting to tell the two about what their sister did. However, because of gossip shared by his classmates and friends, he eventually managed to get a vague idea of what happened—Dina had stolen something important from her mother and sold it, and that she was in big legal trouble.

Eventually, when Noah was eleven, Maria made the decision to move to Salem after relatives offered to support her financially. Hoping to escape their tainted reputation, Maria agreed, but Adel didn’t want to leave Dina behind and to find a new job. By this time, their marriage was already strained after multiple large arguments about Dina, along with how much they wanted to maintain their Iranian heritage and the way they should raise their children, and Maria filed for divorce. Maria, Mila, and Noah left for Salem after selling most of Maria’s furniture and jewelry, and for the next few years they lived in a small rented apartment. Maria, before she found a job as a dentist’s assistant, wrote stories and worked odd jobs. Noah struggled to adjust to his new environment, and was friendless throughout middle school as he was afraid to reach out at first. News of why the family moved and what Dina did reached some of the family’s new friends and Noah found himself being picked on at first.

A couple of years into their new life, Maria started dating a man named James online. James, a recent widow after his wife was killed in a car crash, related deeply with Maria due to them both losing their family, albeit in very different ways. When the two started to go on dates, Maria left Noah and Mila in the care of his uncle Ardashir, an electrical engineer. Ardashir, who has an interest in technology, made small robots for Noah as toys. He often asked his mother to let him stay with Ardashir longer so that he could teach him how he built the robots. Noah mostly was interested in robotics simply because he found building machines to be cool, though right now he hasn't had the skills to create anything more complicated than his current favorite thing to make— simple 'useless machines' that serve no purpose except for him to find amusing. In truth, Noah felt like Ardashir was a lot less strict than Maria, and sought to stay with him not only because of his newfound interests in robotics, but also because he aw him as an escape from his mother’s control, though the opportunity for him to build machines was another big reason why.

Maria quickly pushed for marriage with James due to wanting to move in with him. Noah disapproved of this change—he didn’t want to feel as if his father was being replaced, and he didn’t like how his family was split apart. Despite more than half a decade of dating, the two never married, mostly because of Noah and Mila’s disagreements. James, despite loving Maria, has no idea how to deal with her children, and is a bit of a pushover when it comes to the siblings. Maria, on the other hand, was determined to raise Noah the best she could—but unfortunately her parenting style was overbearing and controlling, to the point of excessiveness, setting rules about who her children can interact with and monitoring their social lives.

Noah first opened his eyes to the concept of SOTF when he was eleven, when a bully was making a jab at him involving his race and terrorism, while mentioning infamous terrorist attacks such as 9/11 and SOTF. The Fallahs, especially Maria, were uncomfortable teaching the attacks to their children because they thought that they were too young for it, and as a result deliberately tried to hide information about it to Noah. As a result, however, once Noah came across the Wikipedia page for the attacks, any information he could find about the perpetrators, victims, and any other facts became tantalizing and exciting to read because of the seemingly forbidden nature of it. Noah had a fixation on the terrorists—particularly, the mystery behind the perpetrators. Noah is prone to making jokes in bad taste online about the incidents and the correlation to his middle eastern heritage. Similarly, other terrorist attacks that happen in the United States and the Anglosphere that his parents didn't teach him about also interest him, because of their motivations and what resulted from their actions. Noah acknowledges the fact that this hobby of his makes him come off as being odd at best and dangerous at worst, and does try to tone it down, but ultimately isn't particularly ashamed of his interest in these events from the political/historical perspective.

Because of this, Noah developed a poor reputation. Instead of bothering to fix it, however, he realized that he genuinely enjoyed other peoples’ responses to him when he said something unpleasant, intentionally getting a kick out of his irritating behavior because it gave him a sense of control. In addition, as he pushed more people away with his behavior, he had also begun to attract the attention of bullies and trolls, who he tried to drive away by making offensive comments, occasionally attacking them personally with verbal barbs outside of school when his moods got bad. Noah himself isn’t quite sure why he lashed out so frequently and enjoyed the concept of being controversial; though his parents and teachers attributed it to rebellion and attention seeking, he himself feels as if the explanations people provided weren’t sufficient. He has gotten into trouble multiple times despite his best efforts, but not to the degree where any serious action such as expulsion was warranted.

Noah circumvented his mother’s control by making most of his trouble online instead of in person, thus making it much harder for her to learn about anything he’s done, and because of his general lack of friends in real life has built his social circle online, where he lives an almost double life as someone with a completely different personality than from home, with his school life being an in-between. His other older sister, Mila, however, was much more actively rebellious in real life, frequently staying past curfew, dressing provocatively, and talking back. As a result, Maria put much more effort on Mila, leaving Noah, both the youngest and seemingly most behaved, with a lot more freedom.

Despite the frequent punishments that Mila endured, Noah felt like her sense of rebelliousness was fun, and was attracted to the carefree attitudes that most people in her friend circle displayed. As a result, he began to emulate them, buying counterculture clothes, using foul language, and intentionally listening to crude music—just not doing so in the vicinity of his mother. Instead of blatantly rebelling like his sister, Noah liked to push the limits of what his mother allowed, such as what clothes he could wear or how disrespectful he could be to her. Then, when he finds out her limits, he would act just a bit tamer than that, while still being as respectful as he could. Maria tried to rule the household with an iron fist, and Noah found that it was easier to try to comply with her demands than it was to break the rules like Mila did, though there were times that he did specifically try to annoy her, he always made sure he technically never broke any rules. Although Maria does think that both of her kids are problem children, she has more of a focus on reforming Mila and hasn’t found an effective way of punishing Noah. Grounding him wouldn’t work due to him not having many friends in real life and taking electronics away isn’t effective either due to him doing schoolwork online.

In school, however, Noah’s online habits of trolling and dark humor started to slip in his daily interaction, with his dropping frequent references to concerning topics—he managed to avoid getting in trouble by avoiding being too loud or extreme, but he found it oddly entertaining to talk about and speculate on topics such as Survival of the Fittest and other national tragedies, much to the horror and concern of some of his peers and teachers. This habit eventually led him to Gail, a classmate who also had an interest in the topic, and him being introduced to her friend group of other classmates, mostly outcasts including several united over a certain fear of or fascination with the attacks. In truth, being involved with this social group has only deepened his obsession with the events, and her paranoid tendencies had spread to him. Despite that, however, Noah has a notable lack of respect for the victims of tragedy and did not stop with his jokes, only lessening it when the others in his friend group made it clear that while they share the same interest in the events, they did not appreciate his disrespect. Noah has opened up to them about the fact that he feels almost compelled to talk about controversial topics and shock others while he’s at it, and has, guided by the others, speculated on the state of his mental health and the effects his childhood had on it, as a half-hearted way to pin the blame of his behavior on something. Whether or not any particular friend agrees that he was less at fault due to his issues was still a bit of a fifty-fifty, however.

One of the most overt forms of rebellion against his mother came from an argument where, after his mother told him that he needed to engage in a sport in order to look better on his resume, Noah made an offhand joke about whether or not pole dancing counted. Maria, trying to use reverse psychology, yelled at him, telling him to actually go try it out. Noah then proceeded to find a pole dancing studio online and pressured her to sign him up for a lesson right back, unaware of the fact that she was having a mentally stressful day after contemplating about one of Mila’s comments on her parenting style and losing confidence in herself as a mother. Although Maria backed out quickly, Noah couldn’t stop thinking about the incident, and after a week he gave in and got a membership to the studio with his own allowance, teaching himself how to pole dance. While he was embarrassed at first, he genuinely enjoyed the activity as a form of self-expression, and was able to talk his mother into letting him continue after weeks of continuous debating about how he didn’t think that pole dancing is inherently sexual.

Another time when he escalated a confrontation with his mother was when he was 14 and she complained about ants being in his room when he accidentally left a bag of potato chips open. A week later, Noah bought a small gel ant habitat online, and then tried to hide it from his mother. After a month, his mother saw the habitat, and proceeded to yell at him until he lied to her and told her that he had a budding interest in biology, especially entomology. Although it started as a lie, his mother bought him a book on insect keeping, and he became genuinely interested in the subject as he developed a fondness for insects and both their complicated biology and the joy of taking care of pets. Noah eventually was able to convince his mother to keep the ant habitat in the living room, and over the years he has owned many more small insect habitats, which his mother has approved of. Eventually, his mom even started to feed the ants, and, one day, told him that she enjoyed the presence of the insects and that she was glad he was able to find a calm hobby. Noah, who was now emotionally attached to the ants that he once bought in order to annoy his mother, begrudgingly agreed.

In a way, this helped Noah start repairing his relationship with his mother, toning down his rebelliousness at home and stopping his efforts to annoy her, because he felt as if she thought of him as the only stable, well-behaved child of her’s, and he didn’t want to exert extra stress on her, especially since Mila has recently graduated but was still living in their apartment and is still arguing against Maria’s suggestion for her to move away and go to college.

Noah did not change as much at school, however. He still had a reputation as someone who is intentionally edgy, creepy, and trying too hard to seem tough, but his circle of friends within Gales’ group have helped him expand his social life with mutual friends and calmed his worst tendencies, although he still wasn’t anything near popular. If anything, the fact that he had his mother’s trust just meant that he felt even more free to indulge in his worst habits.

Online, he was still unpleasant—with the shield of anonymity, Noah relished in trolling and annoying people. He enjoyed the attention that he gets when he posts something shocking or gets people to argue with him or the ironic praise of the people who supported his trolling efforts, when they are directed at groups with widely unpopular beliefs. Although Noah was unpolitical for most of his life and has identified as atheist for most of his teenage years, he frequently pretended to be a communist online for trolling, which then led to him reading communist texts in order to make his communist online persona more accurate—right up until he genuinely gained an active interest in communism and agreed with many of its ideals. Now, Noah has switched to a new main Reddit account after being banned for harassing an account, where he genuinely believes in some of the communist memes that he posted, especially pertaining to the redistribution of wealth and universal healthcare, although online he uses an exaggerated persona of a fervent soviet for fun, making memes with intentionally odd aesthetics and sayings. Being introduced to Tumblr’s aesthetic community last year, Noah has been incorporating some of them—notably weirdcore—in his online posts because he enjoys the random nature of it and its capacity for use in humorous posts, although the real reason why he feels so attached to the aesthetic, as well as many other niche internet aesthetics, is because he feels as if it’s easier explaining his feelings with pictures instead of words.

Recently, he has taken up TikTok as another social media site that he uses. When a certain meme pertaining to communists and feminine men began to get popular, Noah decided to join the trend, posting a video of him dressed up in one of his mother’s dresses, dancing while presenting information about communism. When the video received more attention than he did on his other social media platforms, Noah decided to start actually putting effort in his TikToks, borrowing some of Mila’s clothing and buying feminine clothes, such as a maid dress and cat ears online in order to fully buy into the meme. Eventually, he realized that crossdressing, even as a joke, actually made him feel happy and that his TikToks greatly boosted his confidence. As a boy who was small in stature and grew up with mostly women in his household, Noah felt like crossdressing and embracing his femininity was something that made him feel relieved from the societal pressure to be masculine. However, there was also a rebellious aspect to his posting—like many of his other activities on social media, Noah seeks to gain controversy, and provoke right-wing accounts or anybody who disagrees with his ideology in general into be scandalized and question him, which would in turn lead to him provoking arguments for fun.

Currently, Noah has a small following on his main account, where he posts himself uploading ironic communist propaganda or true crime information while he does popular dances in his maid outfit. Noah actually does quite a lot of research for his videos, and has, at many times, either bought, pirated, or asked his mother to buy him books on communism and leftist politics. Maria has no interest in politics herself, but encourages Noah to study politics under the belief that he has an active interest in the subject out of his own goodwill.

Noah feels odd about his spot as his mother’s favorite—on one hand, it gives him expectations to behave, and he feels as if his mother expects much more out of him than his sisters. On the other hand, she has a lot more trust in him, and as a result often loosens her rules for him. Maria’s somewhat apparent favoritism has caused friction between him and Mila. Noah also infrequently visits Dina with his family— In a way, Noah resents her for practically overhauling his family and his social life when he was younger. The two write to each other, and Noah updates her regularly with letters and photographs, but even after she was released the two did not talk much in person, mostly due to the fact that she lives with her father.

Noah’s grades are not particularly good—they are a mix of Bs and Cs, with the occasional A grade. He takes coding and classes focused on building things, and doesn’t actively participate in any clubs other than the robotics club. He isn’t sure what to do when he graduates, but knows that he is willing to enter a career he doesn’t find fun if it pays well.

Advantages: Noah’s greatest advantage is his knowledge of SOTF, which has been an interest of his for most of his teenage years, and as a result he understands the mechanisms and tactics of SOTF and those who have participated in it at a level that might be genuinely helpful. Noah’s small but fit frame could aid his survival by letting him hide or fit in small spaces. To a certain extent, without the need for civility Noah can be surprisingly unempathetic and willing to hurt others for selfish reasons. Years of hiding and lying to his strict mother have given him the ability to lie straight-faced quite well.
Disadvantages: Because of his knowledge of SOTF’s history and his anti-authority tendencies, however, there is a chance that Noah would put more effort into escape, or even trying to learn more about his situation, than survival. Noah has a reputation as someone who is odd, unstable, creepy, and obsessed with SOTF, something that is not helped by his active efforts to appear unnerving. Noah has a notable lack of respect for others and a tendency to provoke reactions from others, and he may succumb to his worst traits and bring otherwise avoidable negative attention onto himself. He often responds to hostility by escalating in an attempt to drive people away, and to any attempts to leash his behavior by similarly escalating what he was doing out of rebellion.

[Deamon]

Hi Yona! I'll be critiquing Noah for you today and currently, he is DENIED pending some major overhaul of a couple of details and then some more general issues.

So we're going to start with the two most big issues and then go through the profile as normal after that.

First up, you can't have a character with the surname Danya. I'm aware it's an actual surname but it's also the name of the figurehead of the entire terrorist operation. So it's just going to be a straight fiat on this one as it's not a suitable name to give a character from an OOC perspective due to the fact it is shared with perhaps the most important metaplot character.

I'm aware that asking for this change will alter how Noah finds SOTF and the way he decides to look into it online but there are some other ways you can get that result without needing to name a character Danya.

The second part that needs addressing is Dina's gang activities—shout out Baby Keem—but it's too much soap opera style drama for a profile about what is supposed to be an average kid with a relatively normal life give or take. Having a sibling who shoots two people during some kind of weird gang initiation. Generally in New York gangs, the initiation process is fighting other members of the gang, it is very unlikely any gang is going to let prospects do anything involving a gun. The risk of attracting a lot of heat is just too high.

On top of this, the whole Dina gang thing seems to only be in the profile to give Maria and Adel a reason to divorce and have Maria move away to Salem with Noah and Mila. This could be accomplished without having Dina be involved in something as drastic as a shooting. It could be easier with something like drug use or more low-level stealing, which gets the same result without being needlessly dramatic.

Right onto the rest

First up are some small errors with the opening fields of the profile. You need to put a space between the age and grade fields. You also need to capitalize the first item in the hobbies and interests list.

Stahl's ear should be capitalized as it's a name.

His hair is dark brown, wavy, and reaches down to the lower back of his neck.

You can just say lower neck for this.

intentionally cut short into a fringe, so would frame his face instead.

The use of would is unnecessary within the tense profiles are supposed to be presented.

Whenever he sits or lays down, he tends to spraw his limbs out.

Think you mean sprawl here.

Noah wouldn’t consider himself to be a bullying victim until middle school, but his parents do agree that he was frequently teased. He frequently talked to strangers.

The highlighted sentence doesn't share any context with the rest of the paragraph and is never brought up again, so this will need to expanded or removed.

Hoping to escape their tainted reputation, Maria agreed, but Adel doesn’t want to leave Dina behind and to find a new job.

You tense switch from past to present tense here and do it a few other times in the profile. All profiles should be written in past tense so these instances will need to be changed.

Noah felt like Ardashir was a lot less strict than Maria, and seekedto stay with him

This should be Sought instead of seeked as seeked isn't actually a word.

What does Noah is down as enjoying technology but I think this should be changed to be specifically robotics as this is the main interest he has and no other aspect of technology shows up as a hobby or interest. Additionally, what does Noah enjoy robotics specifically?

The numerical 11 in the paragraph about SOTF should be changed to the word.

Wikipedia should have a capital as it is a name.

Did Noah ever get in trouble for any of his behaviour at school in regards to saying unpleasant things to get attention?

intentionally listening to crude music- just not doing so in the vicinity of his mother.

You use a hyphen here when the correct punctuation is an em-dash which is one of these bad boys —. You do this a few times throughout the profile so this will need to be changed. The correct way to use an em-dash within the structure of a piece of text is like—so.

In school, however, Noah’s online habits of trolling and dark humor started to slip in his daily interaction,

This mention of Noah's online habits is the first time it comes up within the profile itself, so the later section should probably be moved up and put around here.

For some reason, you refer to SOTF as 'the program' multiple times throughout the profile and this isn't really a correct term to use. It would either be events or attacks or just SOTF.

enjoyed the activity as a form of self-expression,

What about entomology actually interests Noah?

What sites is Noah on? What website did he get banned from that required him to make a new account? This part is awkwardly ambiguous in regards to the details of Noah's actions and should be made more specified as right now it comes across as strangely empty.

What parts of the communist ideology does Noah find himself agreeing with?

Shitposting is too colloquial a term for profiles as they're supposed to represent a formal document and the same goes for femboy.

TikTok should be capitalized as it is a name.

buying feminine clothes, such as a maid dress and cat ears. online in order to fully buy into the meme.

It looks like you accidentally added a full-stop after cat ears here.

True crime is only very briefly mentioned here at the end of the profile, it will either need to get a full paragraph or be removed as an interest.

To a certain extent, Noah is very proactive and can be somewhat forceful when given the chance to, and without the threat of direct retribution Noah can be surprisingly unempathetic.

This is a weird advantage to put down as it neither shows up in the profile and also SOTF is peak threats of direct retribution so doesn't really fit as written.

Noah would put more effort into escape

So I know it's a lot, but apart from the two big things it's mostly just expansion and tidying up grammar so post back here once you're done and I'll give Noah another look!

[Yonagoda]

Hi Yona! I'll be critiquing Noah for you today and currently, he is DENIED pending some major overhaul of a couple of details and then some more general issues.

So we're going to start with the two most big issues and then go through the profile as normal after that.

First up, you can't have a character with the surname Danya. I'm aware it's an actual surname but it's also the name of the figurehead of the entire terrorist operation. So it's just going to be a straight fiat on this one as it's not a suitable name to give a character from an OOC perspective due to the fact it is shared with perhaps the most important metaplot character.

I'm aware that asking for this change will alter how Noah finds SOTF and the way he decides to look into it online but there are some other ways you can get that result without needing to name a character Danya. EDITED

The second part that needs addressing is Dina's gang activities—shout out Baby Keem—but it's too much soap opera style drama for a profile about what is supposed to be an average kid with a relatively normal life give or take. Having a sibling who shoots two people during some kind of weird gang initiation. Generally in New York gangs, the initiation process is fighting other members of the gang, it is very unlikely any gang is going to let prospects do anything involving a gun. The risk of attracting a lot of heat is just too high.

On top of this, the whole Dina gang thing seems to only be in the profile to give Maria and Adel a reason to divorce and have Maria move away to Salem with Noah and Mila. This could be accomplished without having Dina be involved in something as drastic as a shooting. It could be easier with something like drug use or more low-level stealing, which gets the same result without being needlessly dramatic. EDITED- SHE NOW TRIED SELLING DRUGS AND FAILED SHITTILY.

Right onto the rest

First up are some small errors with the opening fields of the profile. You need to put a space between the age and grade fields. You also need to capitalize the first item in the hobbies and interests list.

Stahl's ear should be capitalized as it's a name.

His hair is dark brown, wavy, and reaches down to the lower back of his neck.

You can just say lower neck for this.

intentionally cut short into a fringe, so would frame his face instead.

The use of would is unnecessary within the tense profiles are supposed to be presented.

Whenever he sits or lays down, he tends to spraw his limbs out.

Think you mean sprawl here.

Noah wouldn’t consider himself to be a bullying victim until middle school, but his parents do agree that he was frequently teased. He frequently talked to strangers.

The highlighted sentence doesn't share any context with the rest of the paragraph and is never brought up again, so this will need to expanded or removed.

Hoping to escape their tainted reputation, Maria agreed, but Adel doesn’t want to leave Dina behind and to find a new job.

You tense switch from past to present tense here and do it a few other times in the profile. All profiles should be written in past tense so these instances will need to be changed.

Noah felt like Ardashir was a lot less strict than Maria, and seekedto stay with him

This should be Sought instead of seeked as seeked isn't actually a word.

What does Noah is down as enjoying technology but I think this should be changed to be specifically robotics as this is the main interest he has and no other aspect of technology shows up as a hobby or interest. Additionally, what does Noah enjoy robotics specifically?[/i] EDITED- HE'S A FUCKING NERD WHO LIKES NERD THINGS

The numerical 11 in the paragraph about SOTF should be changed to the word.

Wikipedia should have a capital as it is a name.

Did Noah ever get in trouble for any of his behaviour at school in regards to saying unpleasant things to get attention? I DID ACTUALLY SAY IT, BTW ITS IN ANOTHER PARAGRAPH.

intentionally listening to crude music- just not doing so in the vicinity of his mother.

You use a hyphen here when the correct punctuation is an em-dash which is one of these bad boys —. You do this a few times throughout the profile so this will need to be changed. The correct way to use an em-dash within the structure of a piece of text is like—so.

In school, however, Noah’s online habits of trolling and dark humor started to slip in his daily interaction,

This mention of Noah's online habits is the first time it comes up within the profile itself, so the later section should probably be moved up and put around here.

For some reason, you refer to SOTF as 'the program' multiple times throughout the profile and this isn't really a correct term to use. It would either be events or attacks or just SOTF.

enjoyed the activity as a form of self-expression,

What about entomology actually interests Noah?

What sites is Noah on? What website did he get banned from that required him to make a new account? This part is awkwardly ambiguous in regards to the details of Noah's actions and should be made more specified as right now it comes across as strangely empty.

What parts of the communist ideology does Noah find himself agreeing with?

Shitposting is too colloquial a term for profiles as they're supposed to represent a formal document and the same goes for femboy.

TikTok should be capitalized as it is a name.

buying feminine clothes, such as a maid dress and cat ears. online in order to fully buy into the meme.

It looks like you accidentally added a full-stop after cat ears here.

True crime is only very briefly mentioned here at the end of the profile, it will either need to get a full paragraph or be removed as an interest.

To a certain extent, Noah is very proactive and can be somewhat forceful when given the chance to, and without the threat of direct retribution Noah can be surprisingly unempathetic.

This is a weird advantage to put down as it neither shows up in the profile and also SOTF is peak threats of direct retribution so doesn't really fit as written. EDITED- HE'S JUST A DICK NOW.

Noah would put more effort into escape

So I know it's a lot, but apart from the two big things it's mostly just expansion and tidying up grammar so post back here once you're done and I'll give Noah another look!

Fuck I think I sent the wrong draft.

Also yeah, I'll get to it! I guess the two big parts both kind of... relate to him being like sorta surrounded by problematic people that define his life? yknow.

Also only quoting so that i can use this as a checklist

now only if I can stop sending posts at midnight gox ill regret this

[Deamon]

Hi Yona, please don’t post in the profile thread unless you have fully completed making your edits. As we track who has finished their edits and is ready to continue based off them replying in the thread.

[Yonagoda]

ack messy edits done im sorry its been 15 days

[Deamon]

Alrighty, big apology for the delay on this, I was moving house. So I can see some improvements with Noah but he is still denied at present so let's not waste any more time and get right into it.

First-up parts of the profile are still in the incorrect tense, these will need to be fixed.

Next, I can see that you changed Dina's crime to just getting arrested for attempting to sell drugs, which is fine, but you haven't actually edited the rest of the profile to reflect this edit. The paragraph directly following it is the same one that was present for Dina's original crime of shooting someone. The rest of the profile will need to be edited to more accurately reflect the new reason Dina was arrested.

If Noah doesn't actually care about robotics it shouldn't be down as a hobby or interest as these should only be for things characters actually have a passion for. If he does care about robotics though we'll still need some more detail on the hobby.

The way Noah learns about SOTF has the same issue as previously mentioned with Dina's crime. In that you've left it the same as when his surname was Danya, and as a result, the sentence you've added about a bully making fun of Noah and his parents' reasoning for not mentioning it doesn't make sense because the SOTF attacks aren't specifically to do with the Middle East and the AT isn't a specifically Middle Eastern based terrorist organization. So this will need to be changed.

it to rebellion and attention-seeking, he himself feels as if the explanations people provided weren’t sufficient.

Attention-seeking needs a hyphen.

Speaking of hyphens, there's still a load of hyphens in this profile when they should be em-dashes, additionally, when you use an em-dash in the text there are no spaces between it and the rest of the sentence so it looks—like—this. So you're going to have to go back through to get all the hyphens you didn't catch on the first pass and fix up those extra spaces.

Reddit needs to be capitalized, and while I'm fairly sure I know why Noah was banned originally I'd prefer the reason to be added to the profile as well.

True crime still needs to be either be expanded upon or removed as an interest.

To a certain extent, without the need for civility

It looks like you missed out The from this sentence.

And that should be everything, make those changes and then I'll give Noah another look.

[Yonagoda]

I accidentally quoted here.

[Yonagoda]

Edited! This is a mess, just like my mental health!!!

[Deamon]

Hey Yona, sorry for the delay (again), we're nearly there with Noah but there are still some bits that need tightening up.

Parts of the profile are still in the wrong tense, again all profiles need to be written in the past tense. For example:

Ardashir, who hasan interest in technology, made small robots for Noah as toys.

The highlighted Has in this sentence should be Had. You will need to read through the profile and find other instances of this issue and edit them to be in the correct tense.

Additionally, the formatting of your em-dashes is still incorrect in some areas. You do not need to put spaces between em-dashes and the words on either side of them.

it to rebellion and attention seeking, he himself feels as if the explanations people provided weren’t sufficient.

Attention-seeking still requires a hyphen.

Now, Noah has switched to a new main Reddit account after being banned for harassing an account, where he genuinely believes in some of the communist memes that he posted, especially pertaining to the redistribution of wealth and universal healthcare, although online he uses an exaggerated persona of a fervent soviet for fun, making memes with intentionally odd aesthetics and sayings.

This sentence is one massive run-on and also is about two separate topics, so it will need to be split up and reworked. Also again some of this is in the present tense.

Post back here once you've made the edits and I'll take another look!

[backslash]

This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.