The Clarissa that was smiling almost screamed through her teeth and her lips. It was almost, like.
An emotion.
Insulting. That word. Clarissa had just made the biggest most she didn't even know what step of her life EVER and she had promised herself she'd be better and she felt disgusted and exhausted but none of those emotions were directed directly AT Raya and that made it even more difficult for Clarissa to process. All that and Raya just seemed confused about it.
Maybe this was one of those things about growing up that Clarissa would understand better someday.
She
did not like it much.
"I'm fine." Clarissa breathed slowly. Words, she didn't know words. It was hard to think.
Uh, really, it was always hard to think in general, unless it was a thing that made her really happy. Car went vroom, doll looked pretty and had soft hair. Mom and Dad tucked her into bed, Auntie Jacob and Sophia showed her nice cars, Raya shouted at people who shouted at her, Sylvie brought her to a big house in Silver Springs and let her hide with the plushies until the stress in her brain melted away. She hated homework that wasn't cool science stuff like learning about maps or rocks because it was stupid and annoying to think about. She only had good handwriting because she liked making loopies with her pen.
Raya staring at her with a something?? in her eyes made Clarissa feel it was important to say the words she couldn't find. She ended up kind of blurting them out.
"I just want us to get through all of this together."
Words still did not come easy to her. Trying to talk normal didn't make talking normal any easier. It made Clarissa feel stupid and like she wanted to shove something big into her mouth to make it so she never had to say words again.
Add it to the pile. The flotsam violently stirring in the storm of her mind.
She'd deal with it later,
she promised herself. When she got home she could punch her bed until her knuckles broke.
The Painful Part
I just want this crippling feeling gone - 2016
-
LYourLocalAutist
- Posts: 292
- Joined: Sun May 19, 2024 2:50 pm
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There was something there, Raya could barely make out. She was still coming out of what was a stupor of depression, after all. Thinking was still slightly fuzzy, even when it came to worrying about her friend, which she was usually really really good at. But this was something new and unfamiliar, like everything else in the past few days. She could tell she was being rude, acting like that when her friend was just trying to be nice. It made her feel a bit rotten alongside everything else. Even that didn't seem to deter this Clarissa. But there was still something.
It was like a mask.
But thinking that made Raya's heart drop in a way that felt scary, so she stopped.
Instead, she let an unfathomably tiny urge, buried in a small place at the back of her brain take over. Raya smiled a little, her eyes flitting between her twiddling fingers and her friend's face. Clarissa was happy, and trying to make Raya happy, so she should be happy. Maybe, at least just for this little moment in time, she could deserve it. She could have just a little break before returning to the sinking, when she had to talk to dad and think of mom again.
For now it was just her and Cs.
"...Thank you. A lot."
Her voice was uncharacteristically small, and still a little broken, but it was suffused with more light than had been present in any of her words combined in the past week. It carried a piece of genuine gratitude towards a friend who'd come all the way from her house to help her here even though she was being rude and sad and an idiot. Words got a little harder on her part as she tried to think of something else to say, her heart going all wobbly in that bad and scary way that kept repeating itself when she tried to think properly. Even so, she replied to Clarissa, her lips trembling just slightly.
"I... I wanna get through it too. With everyone. But it's so hard."
It was like a mask.
But thinking that made Raya's heart drop in a way that felt scary, so she stopped.
Instead, she let an unfathomably tiny urge, buried in a small place at the back of her brain take over. Raya smiled a little, her eyes flitting between her twiddling fingers and her friend's face. Clarissa was happy, and trying to make Raya happy, so she should be happy. Maybe, at least just for this little moment in time, she could deserve it. She could have just a little break before returning to the sinking, when she had to talk to dad and think of mom again.
For now it was just her and Cs.
"...Thank you. A lot."
Her voice was uncharacteristically small, and still a little broken, but it was suffused with more light than had been present in any of her words combined in the past week. It carried a piece of genuine gratitude towards a friend who'd come all the way from her house to help her here even though she was being rude and sad and an idiot. Words got a little harder on her part as she tried to think of something else to say, her heart going all wobbly in that bad and scary way that kept repeating itself when she tried to think properly. Even so, she replied to Clarissa, her lips trembling just slightly.
"I... I wanna get through it too. With everyone. But it's so hard."
The V9 Children themselves:
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
Obsessed with hugs. Obsessed with hugs, and how her body still felt so cold. Hugs, and she was too cold, and she wanted to slap and smack and hit something until everything stopped being too loud and frightening.
She ignored those things, and focused on the face her friend had under all her messy hair. One of the only arrangements of eyes and a nose and a lips that Clarissa could recognize without having to stress about it.
Beautifully thick red curls, jaw sharp enough to cut exhaust pipes, round jade green eyes.
It was Raya.
Raya!
She
could focus.
Raya.
“Everything is hard.”
Clarissa didn’t know how she’d arranged those words into that order. She knew what she was trying to say? Maybe it didn’t mean what she thought it meant. In this context or in any other. It resonated with her, and she hoped not just exclusively her, as it spilled out, the tiniest leak of the stormwater she was damming up inside. A gentle layer of glass over Clarissa's eyes, thickening and crystalizing as she tried to understand the pain of someone else through her own pain.
“Everything is scary. But it gets a little better when I know people are still there for me.”
Auntie Sophia wouldn’t be there for them anymore.
Don’t
scream
one second two second
red second blue second
Clarissa took another nibble of what was left of the sandwich that tasted like glass and carpet and slime. It did not taste any better, but it went down a little easier. Slid down her throat like a rock, as opposed to like the sharp of a kitchen knife.
“I’ll be here for you forever, Raya. I’ll never leave you.”
Maybe she’d someday cure death. There had to be science that could do that, right? Somewhere in the big textbooks the little ones like them weren’t able to read yet.
Clarissa got up from her kneel, sat on the bed beside Raya. A little closer, a little warmer. Still no hug. Her fingers, the ones not holding a sandwich, gently locked over one of Raya’s free hands. Clarissa was not the sort of person who knew her own strength. If it wasn’t a doll or a wrench it was in danger. That Clarissa thing where she gripped too hard and started crushing bone.
Her touch was feather light. Delicate. Normal. Whatever that word meant.
She ignored those things, and focused on the face her friend had under all her messy hair. One of the only arrangements of eyes and a nose and a lips that Clarissa could recognize without having to stress about it.
Beautifully thick red curls, jaw sharp enough to cut exhaust pipes, round jade green eyes.
It was Raya.
Raya!
She
could focus.
Raya.
“Everything is hard.”
Clarissa didn’t know how she’d arranged those words into that order. She knew what she was trying to say? Maybe it didn’t mean what she thought it meant. In this context or in any other. It resonated with her, and she hoped not just exclusively her, as it spilled out, the tiniest leak of the stormwater she was damming up inside. A gentle layer of glass over Clarissa's eyes, thickening and crystalizing as she tried to understand the pain of someone else through her own pain.
“Everything is scary. But it gets a little better when I know people are still there for me.”
Auntie Sophia wouldn’t be there for them anymore.
Don’t
scream
one second two second
red second blue second
Clarissa took another nibble of what was left of the sandwich that tasted like glass and carpet and slime. It did not taste any better, but it went down a little easier. Slid down her throat like a rock, as opposed to like the sharp of a kitchen knife.
“I’ll be here for you forever, Raya. I’ll never leave you.”
Maybe she’d someday cure death. There had to be science that could do that, right? Somewhere in the big textbooks the little ones like them weren’t able to read yet.
Clarissa got up from her kneel, sat on the bed beside Raya. A little closer, a little warmer. Still no hug. Her fingers, the ones not holding a sandwich, gently locked over one of Raya’s free hands. Clarissa was not the sort of person who knew her own strength. If it wasn’t a doll or a wrench it was in danger. That Clarissa thing where she gripped too hard and started crushing bone.
Her touch was feather light. Delicate. Normal. Whatever that word meant.
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LYourLocalAutist
- Posts: 292
- Joined: Sun May 19, 2024 2:50 pm
- Location: IN YOUR HEAAAAD IN YOUR HEAAAAAAAAD ZOMBIE, ZOMBIE, ZOMBIE-E-E
Raya's heart felt wobbly as she focused on Clarissa, saw how she moved and spoke and looked. She was trying so hard and it was all for Raya. And Raya couldn't even keep it all together as a courteous response. Clarissa talked, and soft words came out. Words that spoke of motivation and togetherness and getting through it and getting better.
It reminded Raya of mom. She couldn't keep it together.
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes, a dam made of wood in contrast to Clarissa's concrete. She watched her slowly approach like Raya was an animal she was afraid to scare. She was probably right to do so. The softness of her touch and her words was like a balm, but it was bitter medicine with what she was reminded of. Right next to her. Holding her hand.
Saying that she was always gonna be there. Forever and ever.
That's what broke through to Raya. Her tears and cries were now out of some sort of sickly combination of thankfulness and melancholy as she leaned in and wrapped Clarissa in her arms in a hug. She needed one right about now, bad. Words were great, and could make you feel better about a lot of things, but mom and dad had always told Raya that actions counted more than anything in the whole wide world. But even then, using Clarissa as an anchor, she mumbled out:
"D-d'you promise?"
A small, sickly voice, but tinged with a tiny hopeful light almost in complete spite of herself, and in complete spite of the situation. Something she wanted, needed to hear from her closest friend in the whole wide world.
"Please..."
It reminded Raya of mom. She couldn't keep it together.
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes, a dam made of wood in contrast to Clarissa's concrete. She watched her slowly approach like Raya was an animal she was afraid to scare. She was probably right to do so. The softness of her touch and her words was like a balm, but it was bitter medicine with what she was reminded of. Right next to her. Holding her hand.
Saying that she was always gonna be there. Forever and ever.
That's what broke through to Raya. Her tears and cries were now out of some sort of sickly combination of thankfulness and melancholy as she leaned in and wrapped Clarissa in her arms in a hug. She needed one right about now, bad. Words were great, and could make you feel better about a lot of things, but mom and dad had always told Raya that actions counted more than anything in the whole wide world. But even then, using Clarissa as an anchor, she mumbled out:
"D-d'you promise?"
A small, sickly voice, but tinged with a tiny hopeful light almost in complete spite of herself, and in complete spite of the situation. Something she wanted, needed to hear from her closest friend in the whole wide world.
"Please..."
The V9 Children themselves:
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
Clarissa exhaled. Eyes soft, storm reduced to gentle rains as she soundlessly cried for the billionth time in the past thirty minutes. But, the tears were quickly gone.
It was like when the family computer froze. Hold click, wait, and the problem was gone. Raya’s arms around her had that magical effect on her. The correct amount of warmth draped over her shoulders, like the blanket on her bed. The familiar amount of tickly red curls squished against her cheeks and nose. The right smell, the right sounds. Everything felt okay again.
But that was just the monster that Clarissa knew was in her brain and didn’t like thinking about. Satiated. Basking in the first rays of light that peeked out after the howling screeching winds shut the fuck up. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t all she amounted to.
Raya hug. Gentle light of the sun, a promise cutting through cold and empty skies.
Hug back. Clarissa wrapped both her hands around Raya awkwardly. Stupid brain taking forever to do things. Clarissa had been doing the thing where she hadn’t been reacting because of stressing out over all the echoing weird noises in her head that sounded like herself.
Clarissa fumblingly took Raya’s hands into her own. They were bigger hands, more grown up hands. Or maybe Clarissa was just tiny. Only big in the sense of being a big baby. Maybe that would change. Someday.
Clarissa’s hesitating, halting, awkward motions suddenly found new vitality. The finesse of a symphony conductor. She guided Raya along.
Yoink the cover. One hand, two fingers firm. The other hand, Clarissa’s hand, the Raya’s hand in Clarissa’s hand, closed a fist firmly around a Snap On ratchet wrench, 13 inch. Both of them had their own given to them by their parents. First hand, fingers lifted in precise increments apart. Pull up, not too hard. Wires disconnected, one, two. Two dead plugs. Ratchet into the plug socket. One, two, three revolutions. Smaller adjustments. Pop went one plug, falling into the open palm of the wrench-holding hand. Next plug over, same deal. New spark plugs, index and middle, middle and ring. A new tool, a full fist carefully wound around a torque wrench. Tekton 3/8th, industry standard for the proper tightness of a spark plug replacement. At least a dozen scattered between the Car Doctors and Autovet. Precise same spot in the imaginary hood-up engine in front of them. A manual screw in, finger and thumb of the hand without the wrench. One, two, three, four, five. Easier to take out a spark plug than it was to put it back in. The wrench came in to perfect the tightness to the manual standard. Two revolutions and change. A V6 engine, doubtless. The wire reattached. Same spot over. Same process.
She’d done it exactly how Raya’s dad and mom had demonstrated just a few months prior, despite guiding Raya’s hands through the motions while facing her like a mirror. Clarissa was a lot of things she felt guilty about in ways she couldn’t express or even really conceptualize, guilt about things she was unable to control. She was a freak, a weirdo, an idiot who her classmates could barely stomach, a burden to her family and her friends. But every now and then she saw things others didn’t see, heard things others didn’t hear.
Maybe in that instance, she saw and heard her best friend’s heart.
“Like this. Just like this. You and me forever, Raya. I promise.”
She couldn’t look Raya in the eye, of course, but this time because she’d vanished into Clarissa space in her head. The car they were working on, 1:1 scale. Some things didn’t change. That was what forever meant.
It was like when the family computer froze. Hold click, wait, and the problem was gone. Raya’s arms around her had that magical effect on her. The correct amount of warmth draped over her shoulders, like the blanket on her bed. The familiar amount of tickly red curls squished against her cheeks and nose. The right smell, the right sounds. Everything felt okay again.
But that was just the monster that Clarissa knew was in her brain and didn’t like thinking about. Satiated. Basking in the first rays of light that peeked out after the howling screeching winds shut the fuck up. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t all she amounted to.
Raya hug. Gentle light of the sun, a promise cutting through cold and empty skies.
Hug back. Clarissa wrapped both her hands around Raya awkwardly. Stupid brain taking forever to do things. Clarissa had been doing the thing where she hadn’t been reacting because of stressing out over all the echoing weird noises in her head that sounded like herself.
Clarissa fumblingly took Raya’s hands into her own. They were bigger hands, more grown up hands. Or maybe Clarissa was just tiny. Only big in the sense of being a big baby. Maybe that would change. Someday.
Clarissa’s hesitating, halting, awkward motions suddenly found new vitality. The finesse of a symphony conductor. She guided Raya along.
Yoink the cover. One hand, two fingers firm. The other hand, Clarissa’s hand, the Raya’s hand in Clarissa’s hand, closed a fist firmly around a Snap On ratchet wrench, 13 inch. Both of them had their own given to them by their parents. First hand, fingers lifted in precise increments apart. Pull up, not too hard. Wires disconnected, one, two. Two dead plugs. Ratchet into the plug socket. One, two, three revolutions. Smaller adjustments. Pop went one plug, falling into the open palm of the wrench-holding hand. Next plug over, same deal. New spark plugs, index and middle, middle and ring. A new tool, a full fist carefully wound around a torque wrench. Tekton 3/8th, industry standard for the proper tightness of a spark plug replacement. At least a dozen scattered between the Car Doctors and Autovet. Precise same spot in the imaginary hood-up engine in front of them. A manual screw in, finger and thumb of the hand without the wrench. One, two, three, four, five. Easier to take out a spark plug than it was to put it back in. The wrench came in to perfect the tightness to the manual standard. Two revolutions and change. A V6 engine, doubtless. The wire reattached. Same spot over. Same process.
She’d done it exactly how Raya’s dad and mom had demonstrated just a few months prior, despite guiding Raya’s hands through the motions while facing her like a mirror. Clarissa was a lot of things she felt guilty about in ways she couldn’t express or even really conceptualize, guilt about things she was unable to control. She was a freak, a weirdo, an idiot who her classmates could barely stomach, a burden to her family and her friends. But every now and then she saw things others didn’t see, heard things others didn’t hear.
Maybe in that instance, she saw and heard her best friend’s heart.
“Like this. Just like this. You and me forever, Raya. I promise.”
She couldn’t look Raya in the eye, of course, but this time because she’d vanished into Clarissa space in her head. The car they were working on, 1:1 scale. Some things didn’t change. That was what forever meant.
-
LYourLocalAutist
- Posts: 292
- Joined: Sun May 19, 2024 2:50 pm
- Location: IN YOUR HEAAAAD IN YOUR HEAAAAAAAAD ZOMBIE, ZOMBIE, ZOMBIE-E-E
Even when the hug was for her own sake, Raya knew exactly the way the hug Clarissa. It was muscle memory at that point. Precisely how much pressure to apply, where to tighten and where to slack, a science down to even the timing. All the teary shadows lingering in the world lingering in her mind couldn't fog that part of herself out. No matter how selfish she got in this stupor of depression, she'd always have that comfort to give.
Clarissa's arms around her were a balm. Small but immeasurably comfy, more than any bed or plushie or doll. Tiny calluses, familiarity. Hug of memories. A culmination of all the solace contained within her best friend and handed out to her as a sign of peace she felt like she didn't deserve. Yet here she was. Here they both were. Sinking into each other instead of their respective shadows, and feeling all the better for it. Raya felt like she could almost smile through the pain. Almost.
Her breath shuddered as she awaited an answer to her question. The hug's comfort was warm and tangible, but the silence coming from her friend was deafening. Raya couldn't get a proper read on Clarissa. Not anymore. Not when she was like... this. Porcelain mask on, smile plastered raw and neatly. Nervousness and confusion plagued the young girl... and the latter feeling only strengthened when her friend pulled away and took her hands, beginning to... move.
Moving in a way which quickly became familiar.
Wrists twisting. Forward and back. Motions of holding and twisting and insertion and excavation and turning and. And.
Oh.
It was like how mom and dad moved. When she watched them.
...It was how she always imagined she'd move one day. Interfacing, interlocking with everything she loved, fingers getting muddy and oily as she worked on some beautiful and rumbling machine and connected the wires and tightened the screws and did it all. All... with Clarissa by her side.
And when Clarissa's words hit her ears, it was a feeling she couldn't really begin to understand.
Just like this. You and me. Forever.
Her lower lip trembled as she turned her head up to look her friend in the eye. Eyes full of hope as well as tears, trying to catch Clarissa's despite her avoidance. She felt like she needed to keep her safe. Keep her close to her forever so nothing could hurt her like mom was hurt because..
"You're... you..."
Kind. Sweet. Smart and loyal and warm and gentle and perfect. There were too many things she needed to tell Clarissa to epitomize how good she was. Too many to even begin. So she shuddered slightly and said what came to mind, meaning it entirely, in a small and genuine voice.
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
Clarissa's arms around her were a balm. Small but immeasurably comfy, more than any bed or plushie or doll. Tiny calluses, familiarity. Hug of memories. A culmination of all the solace contained within her best friend and handed out to her as a sign of peace she felt like she didn't deserve. Yet here she was. Here they both were. Sinking into each other instead of their respective shadows, and feeling all the better for it. Raya felt like she could almost smile through the pain. Almost.
Her breath shuddered as she awaited an answer to her question. The hug's comfort was warm and tangible, but the silence coming from her friend was deafening. Raya couldn't get a proper read on Clarissa. Not anymore. Not when she was like... this. Porcelain mask on, smile plastered raw and neatly. Nervousness and confusion plagued the young girl... and the latter feeling only strengthened when her friend pulled away and took her hands, beginning to... move.
Moving in a way which quickly became familiar.
Wrists twisting. Forward and back. Motions of holding and twisting and insertion and excavation and turning and. And.
Oh.
It was like how mom and dad moved. When she watched them.
...It was how she always imagined she'd move one day. Interfacing, interlocking with everything she loved, fingers getting muddy and oily as she worked on some beautiful and rumbling machine and connected the wires and tightened the screws and did it all. All... with Clarissa by her side.
And when Clarissa's words hit her ears, it was a feeling she couldn't really begin to understand.
Just like this. You and me. Forever.
Her lower lip trembled as she turned her head up to look her friend in the eye. Eyes full of hope as well as tears, trying to catch Clarissa's despite her avoidance. She felt like she needed to keep her safe. Keep her close to her forever so nothing could hurt her like mom was hurt because..
"You're... you..."
Kind. Sweet. Smart and loyal and warm and gentle and perfect. There were too many things she needed to tell Clarissa to epitomize how good she was. Too many to even begin. So she shuddered slightly and said what came to mind, meaning it entirely, in a small and genuine voice.
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
The V9 Children themselves:
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
...
Clarissa remembered where she was. Her eyes slid up to level, awkward, sluggish like the littlest bubble-that-could trying to escape a boiling pot. Yes, Clarissa still definitely existed. There she was, there in space and time. And there was Raya across from her! Lifesize doll with the brilliant round eyes and the dry tears and the hands intertwined with Clarissa's own hands.
"You're welcome, Raya."
She kind of didn't know any other way to phrase it. Nothing more pogniant, or warm, or radiant like the sun. Just... simple words. Clarissa hoped how much the moment mattered to her was clear.
A knock at the door. Cannon fire, twenty one guns, bombs a bursting in air. But somehow Clarissa didn't feel quite as bothered by it as she usually was. It wasn't painful anymore, it was... exhausting. If she had to describe it. Like kneading the sudden scream pushed up against her lips into a sigh by chewing on it until her jaw was sore.
"Clarissa? It's Mom and Dad." The Mom voice.
April and Gabe Shoemaker had been helping clean up down at Autovet. If they were back Clarissa must have been in Raya's room for at least a half hour.
Clarissa knew all that in the first person. Mom and Dad had dropped her off here at her request, before going to help out. They'd seemed very relieved that she'd said that she'd do that, after she'd spent the past several days crying at school and in her room and all that stuff that was still in her memories and still hurt because she still remembered how it felt so distinctly. Clarissa remembered how difficult she was and how much Mom and Dad and big bro struggled to keep her calm sometimes. The past few days. Weeks. Months. Years.
"Are you girls alright in there?" The Dad voice. A gruff sigh. "Hmm. You can stay the night if you want to, Princess. We know it means a lot to you girls."
Clarissa's stare played the worlds slowest game of ping-pong between the door to Raya's room and the Raya on Raya's bed.
One second two second three seecond four second
Etc. She eventually stared blankly at Raya. A question mark by ommission.
Clarissa remembered where she was. Her eyes slid up to level, awkward, sluggish like the littlest bubble-that-could trying to escape a boiling pot. Yes, Clarissa still definitely existed. There she was, there in space and time. And there was Raya across from her! Lifesize doll with the brilliant round eyes and the dry tears and the hands intertwined with Clarissa's own hands.
"You're welcome, Raya."
She kind of didn't know any other way to phrase it. Nothing more pogniant, or warm, or radiant like the sun. Just... simple words. Clarissa hoped how much the moment mattered to her was clear.
A knock at the door. Cannon fire, twenty one guns, bombs a bursting in air. But somehow Clarissa didn't feel quite as bothered by it as she usually was. It wasn't painful anymore, it was... exhausting. If she had to describe it. Like kneading the sudden scream pushed up against her lips into a sigh by chewing on it until her jaw was sore.
"Clarissa? It's Mom and Dad." The Mom voice.
April and Gabe Shoemaker had been helping clean up down at Autovet. If they were back Clarissa must have been in Raya's room for at least a half hour.
Clarissa knew all that in the first person. Mom and Dad had dropped her off here at her request, before going to help out. They'd seemed very relieved that she'd said that she'd do that, after she'd spent the past several days crying at school and in her room and all that stuff that was still in her memories and still hurt because she still remembered how it felt so distinctly. Clarissa remembered how difficult she was and how much Mom and Dad and big bro struggled to keep her calm sometimes. The past few days. Weeks. Months. Years.
"Are you girls alright in there?" The Dad voice. A gruff sigh. "Hmm. You can stay the night if you want to, Princess. We know it means a lot to you girls."
Clarissa's stare played the worlds slowest game of ping-pong between the door to Raya's room and the Raya on Raya's bed.
One second two second three seecond four second
Etc. She eventually stared blankly at Raya. A question mark by ommission.
-
LYourLocalAutist
- Posts: 292
- Joined: Sun May 19, 2024 2:50 pm
- Location: IN YOUR HEAAAAD IN YOUR HEAAAAAAAAD ZOMBIE, ZOMBIE, ZOMBIE-E-E
Raya let out another shuddering breath. It heaved through her body, almost calming in its effects, another attempted purge of all the black ichor she'd been letting build up, currently being burnt away from even the tiniest shred of light she was able to let in. Clarissa's light. Raya held onto her friend's hands a little tighter, almost in disbelief. She took in her words and felt them deep within her. In the real world, the words were flat, but within Raya, they resonated like the ringing of a bell. Like something that mattered to both of them. The moment was no longer quiet in a way that made even the surrounding air feel suffocatingly thick. It was lighter now. About the pressure of Clarissa's hands on hers. Like a feather.
Knock knock
The moment, dispelled.
Raya recognized the voices as soon as they passed through the wooden barrier of the door to her room: Aunt April, Uncle Gabe, coming back for Clarissa. Raya felt it was almost outwardly inconsiderate, this being the moment they chose to come back for their daughter. As she listened to her Uncle's words and looked up at Clarissa's vacant, awaiting stare, Raya bit her inner cheek and held onto Clarissa's hands just a bit more tightly. She was an anchor, a lighthouse, and Raya wasn't ready to let go of her. She could get her to stay. She was allowed...
But that would be selfish, of course.
Sh-she couldn't just rely on Clarissa for everything from now on.
Straining the edges of her lips, she put on what was a failed attempt at a smile to try to put her friend at peace, and Raya forced her hands to gently, gently release their grip. Away from the warmth of the skin and back to the cold just at her sides. It was okay. It was okay. She nodded weakly at Clarissa, an expression on her face that she tried very hard to keep from being possibly interpreted as fake or forced or lying. An expression trying with everything Raya still had to say "it's okay."
Knock knock
The moment, dispelled.
Raya recognized the voices as soon as they passed through the wooden barrier of the door to her room: Aunt April, Uncle Gabe, coming back for Clarissa. Raya felt it was almost outwardly inconsiderate, this being the moment they chose to come back for their daughter. As she listened to her Uncle's words and looked up at Clarissa's vacant, awaiting stare, Raya bit her inner cheek and held onto Clarissa's hands just a bit more tightly. She was an anchor, a lighthouse, and Raya wasn't ready to let go of her. She could get her to stay. She was allowed...
But that would be selfish, of course.
Sh-she couldn't just rely on Clarissa for everything from now on.
Straining the edges of her lips, she put on what was a failed attempt at a smile to try to put her friend at peace, and Raya forced her hands to gently, gently release their grip. Away from the warmth of the skin and back to the cold just at her sides. It was okay. It was okay. She nodded weakly at Clarissa, an expression on her face that she tried very hard to keep from being possibly interpreted as fake or forced or lying. An expression trying with everything Raya still had to say "it's okay."
The V9 Children themselves:
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
Clarissa’s hands were inert. They released Raya, because Newton’s third. Raya wanted to let go? Clarissa let go. Even if she didn’t want to.
Clarissa stared at her friend’s face. Eyes and lips and nose and other parts of a cipher that forced her to squint. Little details, it was always the little details. The amount of teeth showing through the gaps. The halting nature of the breath. The way the color blossomed through the cheeks like a flower field unevenly bloomed. Everything formed a picture of a girl’s face. Clarissa could see that, it was staring her right in her own face. Fairly lights dancing in the wet of Raya’s eyes. Even if the effect was muted, and harder to see.
No, Clarissa didn’t know what she was looking at.
And she didn’t care.
“I’m going to stay.” Clarissa shouted back, but. Reasonable volume that seemed to account for the room’s acoustics. With a bit of sing-song, the way a girl her age might have talked, rather than the dead monotone she might flatten herself into the more upset or confused or grossed out or whatever she was. Would flatten herself into. Would became might. The present became the future. Clarissa's words became actions.
Or lack of action. She wasn't leaving Raya's side for the rest of today, and for the rest of forever.
The door was quiet for a long moment. Well, the parents behind the door. The door itself was inert as the day it was sanded and painted and hinged into place.
"Okay Princess." The Dad voice. "We understand."
"Raya, Clarissa, the two of you take good care of yourselves. Call if you need anything."
Another long moment.
"Clarissa?" The Mom voice. Also, Mom only used Clarissa. Never Princess. "Would you like me to make some pasta quick for you to eat later? Uncle Jacob can heat it up when you’re ready."
The Raya's side of the door was quiet for a long moment. Clarissa in that moment buzzed. Pleasantly, not anxiously like usual. The voice in her that was stronger than all the ones that were constantly hurt and scared by everything in existence, the voice she wanted to nurture with her own two hands, it excitedly said she could learn to eat more foods. She could be a different person from this day forward, one who didn't need to stare blankly at anything that was a collection of odors and textures she didn't know and didn't trust. She could perceive the colors of the rainbow that nauseated her, smell the roses, whatever that even meant, she could
She could take things one step at a time. The way her tummy was doing flips and cartwheels at the idea of not having Mom's cooking for a whole evening was dizzying.
"Okay Mom. Thanks. Love you so much."
She did really need to work on the thing where she sounded like a robot. It sounded really weird when she was listening to it with her ears as opposed to just saying it and forgetting she'd said it.
Her parents left with goodbyes. Clarissa held up her hands once more, holding them out to Raya with a firm presence.
Clarissa stared at her friend’s face. Eyes and lips and nose and other parts of a cipher that forced her to squint. Little details, it was always the little details. The amount of teeth showing through the gaps. The halting nature of the breath. The way the color blossomed through the cheeks like a flower field unevenly bloomed. Everything formed a picture of a girl’s face. Clarissa could see that, it was staring her right in her own face. Fairly lights dancing in the wet of Raya’s eyes. Even if the effect was muted, and harder to see.
No, Clarissa didn’t know what she was looking at.
And she didn’t care.
“I’m going to stay.” Clarissa shouted back, but. Reasonable volume that seemed to account for the room’s acoustics. With a bit of sing-song, the way a girl her age might have talked, rather than the dead monotone she might flatten herself into the more upset or confused or grossed out or whatever she was. Would flatten herself into. Would became might. The present became the future. Clarissa's words became actions.
Or lack of action. She wasn't leaving Raya's side for the rest of today, and for the rest of forever.
The door was quiet for a long moment. Well, the parents behind the door. The door itself was inert as the day it was sanded and painted and hinged into place.
"Okay Princess." The Dad voice. "We understand."
"Raya, Clarissa, the two of you take good care of yourselves. Call if you need anything."
Another long moment.
"Clarissa?" The Mom voice. Also, Mom only used Clarissa. Never Princess. "Would you like me to make some pasta quick for you to eat later? Uncle Jacob can heat it up when you’re ready."
The Raya's side of the door was quiet for a long moment. Clarissa in that moment buzzed. Pleasantly, not anxiously like usual. The voice in her that was stronger than all the ones that were constantly hurt and scared by everything in existence, the voice she wanted to nurture with her own two hands, it excitedly said she could learn to eat more foods. She could be a different person from this day forward, one who didn't need to stare blankly at anything that was a collection of odors and textures she didn't know and didn't trust. She could perceive the colors of the rainbow that nauseated her, smell the roses, whatever that even meant, she could
She could take things one step at a time. The way her tummy was doing flips and cartwheels at the idea of not having Mom's cooking for a whole evening was dizzying.
"Okay Mom. Thanks. Love you so much."
She did really need to work on the thing where she sounded like a robot. It sounded really weird when she was listening to it with her ears as opposed to just saying it and forgetting she'd said it.
Her parents left with goodbyes. Clarissa held up her hands once more, holding them out to Raya with a firm presence.
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Raya continued to avoid looking at her friend's face, just waiting for her to leave her behind. It was what would be best for her, she thought. She knew. It wouldn't be fair to keep her friend from home, after all, and Raya had spent enough time getting coddled despite the comfort it provided. Even though it felt like she would shrivel up in the cold, even more so when she'd leave the room entirely, for all the help she provided hurt still felt a bit like something Raya deserved somehow. Any moment now it would happen, she just had to keep quiet. Clarissa would get up and leave her behind. She had to. It was fine. It was fine. It was fine. She.
Her eyes finally turned up to meet Clarissa's as the words came out of her mouth. Raya's expression was almost a small shock, once more at the apparent new demeanour. Something that allowed Clarissa to do things she'd never done before, seemingly including being there for Raya. The small shock was again because the world just didn't work like that. Raya protected the Clarissa and Clarissa just. But. Here she was. Here she was...
Oh
Oh god thank you oh thank you thank you thank you
Her lower lip trembled as that same strange warmth welled up in her chest once more, tuning out of the background noise of parents and simply into Clarissa. When she saw her hands were held out once more, she nearly collapses into them. A firm presence. An anchor. Raya needed someone like that right now. She couldn't afford to be strong every single day of her life. It would make her brittle. She needed someone like Clarissa. For now, at least. No words were formed, just the touch and the holding and the comfort as Raya's breath shuddered.
Comfort, and the light. Just a little for now. She was allowed.
Raya Loux memory I, concluded
Her eyes finally turned up to meet Clarissa's as the words came out of her mouth. Raya's expression was almost a small shock, once more at the apparent new demeanour. Something that allowed Clarissa to do things she'd never done before, seemingly including being there for Raya. The small shock was again because the world just didn't work like that. Raya protected the Clarissa and Clarissa just. But. Here she was. Here she was...
Oh
Oh god thank you oh thank you thank you thank you
Her lower lip trembled as that same strange warmth welled up in her chest once more, tuning out of the background noise of parents and simply into Clarissa. When she saw her hands were held out once more, she nearly collapses into them. A firm presence. An anchor. Raya needed someone like that right now. She couldn't afford to be strong every single day of her life. It would make her brittle. She needed someone like Clarissa. For now, at least. No words were formed, just the touch and the holding and the comfort as Raya's breath shuddered.
Comfort, and the light. Just a little for now. She was allowed.
Raya Loux memory I, concluded
The V9 Children themselves:
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
The Machininst - Raya Loux The Petite - Sylvie Rattray-Aubert The Forlorn - Céline Sharpe The Tough Guy - Manuel "Mañana" Hernández And here's outdated info about them plus where (not all of) their relationships are: viewtopic.php?t=9024
She was
maybe?
still scared(?) and once more it seemed almost. Unfair. Unfathomable after all she’d done. Whatever she’d just done. The thing where she’d taken some kind of whip which didn’t physically exist which made sense probably, and made whipcrack noises (whoopah! whoopah!) and made the monsters in her head act a little nicer, like Spinsy back at home when he arf arfed and Clarissa was happy.
She hated it, in that tiny moment when Raya was still far away and her parents were going away. It creeped up on her, itchy, all over her skin. Whatever it was.
But she held it at bay. Blink blink. She had two eyes. She inhaled. It smelled like blood and glass. That was her throat still hurting. The texture of bread crumbs clinging, crumbly crackly asphalt-y against the flesh of her innards as it had been on her fingers. But she’d have Mom’s ravioli and meatsauce in a bit. That made her feel a bit better.
A Raya fell into Clarissa’s outstretched arms. Hug.
Hug! Hug hug hug. Clarissa made a tiny squeaky toy noise. Rocked back and forth, cradling the most precious doll she’d ever own. Clarissa was okay. Raya was okay. Probably. Maybe. Clarissa didn’t know. The room was finally warm. The sunlight was shining, just barely peeking through Raya’s drawn blinds like a baby angel’s halo.
So too, was the light in Clarissa’s mind. Peaceful. The seas were calm.
She promised herself she’d start smiling more when she went back to class.
[Clarissa Shoemaker Memory Thread 1 Concluded]
maybe?
still scared(?) and once more it seemed almost. Unfair. Unfathomable after all she’d done. Whatever she’d just done. The thing where she’d taken some kind of whip which didn’t physically exist which made sense probably, and made whipcrack noises (whoopah! whoopah!) and made the monsters in her head act a little nicer, like Spinsy back at home when he arf arfed and Clarissa was happy.
She hated it, in that tiny moment when Raya was still far away and her parents were going away. It creeped up on her, itchy, all over her skin. Whatever it was.
But she held it at bay. Blink blink. She had two eyes. She inhaled. It smelled like blood and glass. That was her throat still hurting. The texture of bread crumbs clinging, crumbly crackly asphalt-y against the flesh of her innards as it had been on her fingers. But she’d have Mom’s ravioli and meatsauce in a bit. That made her feel a bit better.
A Raya fell into Clarissa’s outstretched arms. Hug.
Hug! Hug hug hug. Clarissa made a tiny squeaky toy noise. Rocked back and forth, cradling the most precious doll she’d ever own. Clarissa was okay. Raya was okay. Probably. Maybe. Clarissa didn’t know. The room was finally warm. The sunlight was shining, just barely peeking through Raya’s drawn blinds like a baby angel’s halo.
So too, was the light in Clarissa’s mind. Peaceful. The seas were calm.
She promised herself she’d start smiling more when she went back to class.
[Clarissa Shoemaker Memory Thread 1 Concluded]