The V4 Read-a-Thon

[Jilly]

I’m going to do something different and not read profiles for my assignments at all, just because I want to go in with a nearly complete clean slate with these characters and only judge them based off of their actual narrative. Anyway, that being said I’ll get right into Joshua Krakowski’s review. I do not claim to be an excellent reviewer or nitpicker, so keep that in mind as we dig in.

[+] PREGAME

Enjoy the Movie

So Josh’s first thread opens up as him and Marty J. Lovett enter the theater lobby as Trevor Duncan leaves after Janet Claymont, the girl working the counter, tells him that there’s no Spanish language movies being screened there. I’ll leave the context there for now.

The blockbuster in question being Wanted, a movie which the two had been looking forward to for the past few months […] whilst Joshua on the other wanted to see it simply because of the matrix-style action. Oh, and also the fact that it had Angelina Jolie wielding duel pistols and doing crazy car stunts. That was more then enough to get Joshua hyped.

I like Josh already and would like to grab a beer with him. I don’t like that he’s attached at the hip with another character right from his first post, though.

The two approach Janet with her head planted on the table and ask if she’s okay. Spiritually, no, but physically? Probably.

Nothing super interesting goes on besides that Josh stares a lot at Janet because he recognizes her from somewhere but can’t place that they go to the same school. He also bums money off of Marty.

Earlier that evening...

Sweet, a oneshot. With both Josh and Marty again. I hope this doesn’t become a pattern.

Nothing too crazy happens here, the two of them are just hanging out on the afternoon of Prom. We get some nice detail on how much of a disaster Josh’s room is; my first thought is to that “Damn bitch, you live like this?” meme. We get some insight into his love of comic books and 80s era/style films and his TMNT shrine.

Marty is kind of being a little bitch and is upset that he’s stuck hanging out with Josh, who apparently has no situational awareness or knows what a calendar is. Kind of weird to be having this kind of conversation literally hours before the event, but I guess that’s how Minnesotans in 2008 rolled.

Anyway, it basically boils down to that they decide to go as a 100% heterbrosexual couple.

As a side note I’m starting to get the vibe that Josh having a similar name to the lead character in The Big Lebowski is maybe slightly more intentional than just pure coincidence.

Let the Dance Begin!

I took the liberty of cross referencing the wiki to see how many threads Josh and Marty both share. Out of 12 threads Josh appears in, Marty appears in all but 2 of them.
Anyways, yes, Prom. Lucky for me the Josh/Marty unit go through all 3 super threads.

Josh/Marty show up in their big boy dance attire they managed to find within 5 hours and take stock of the other kids that got there before them.

Marty looked over to where the DJ was sitting. Even with his contact lenses on, he could only just about make out the slip saying "Requests". "Uh, yeah, they’re accepting requests..."

"Aw dude, this is great! I know just the song!"

"Somehow, I doubt they'd even have Bohemian Rhapsody on the playlist"

Joshua looked stunned. How on earth did he know what song he was thinking of?

You know what, I change my mind I hate Josh.

We also learn Josh likes using 80s slang as catch phrases so I’m looking forward more to that.

I am also taking this time to cry foul that Bohemian Rhapsody is definitely mainstream, maybe not a thing to request at a senior prom but it’s definitely not a deepcut compared to Beat It.

As it turns out this thread is kind of a mess due to the fact there’s like 10 characters but I’ll try my best.

Marty/Josh first interact with Daniel Vaughan who shoot the shit just in time for me to get rickrolled from almost a decade ago. Thanks, Aileen.

Speaking of Aileen, she comes out of the woodwork to chastise Daniel for requesting Come On Eileen. Josh observes for a bit while Marty sulks with some nachos before the pair reunite. They talk about video games and specifically the rocking alien chicks in Mass Effect. Josh’s earlier Beat It requests plays and we move onto the next thread as he does a little air guitar solo.

The Dance Must go on!

Josh/Marty are reintroduced later in Prom having discourse on the homosexual/Iraq war parallel subtext in the film 300. Not sure how I feel about this one, chief.

Marty’s crush Carol Burke shows up. Josh tries to push him to go talk to her, but Marty being the little bitch that is Marty refuses. Daniel comes back and they shoot the shit again for a bit before Marty runs off to grab something to eat.

And that’s it since we don’t get another Josh post until the next thread.

Closing Time

All right, final Prom thread here we go.

Josh doesn’t show up again except for one post where he calls for Marty to leave together after he runs into Carol, just when he was about to finally talk to her. I feel a little cheated but it is what it is.

A Hard Day’s Night

Another oneshot. Kinda. It’s actually 2 posts but Josh/Marty are only in the first one.

The scene opens up with them walking home after Prom. Josh tries to talk to Marty (about Duke Nukem Forever of all things, which as a sidenote this post was made 1 month before the announcement that Gearbox took over development and actually finished the game. That’s just wild to me to think about). Marty whines and lashes out at him for cockblocking him at Prom. And then he gives Josh the silent treatment until they get back to their houses.

But it’s all good, and Marty apologizes for how much of a dick he was being. They laugh it off and talk about meeting up the next day to play Street Fighter.

–

And that’s Pregame. So far I genuinely like Josh; he’s kind of a dope, but well meaning. I love that character archetype with a passion. But that’s about the extent of his personality we’ve seen so far. I don’t like Marty, though; he’s kinda whining and grating. Which is unfortunate since he literally shows up in every single post Josh has in pregame. I worry for Island, but I look forward to the start when they’re separated for a couple of threads.

[+] ISLAND

Dude, how come I feel like i'm not in Kansas anymore?

Woo, Murder Island!

First post opens up with a short flashback of the abduction that calls back to the theater thread. I like stuff like that even if it’s maybe a little cliché.

Josh wakes up on a bench on a path near the mountain, still processing what’s happened and what to even do. He swings his jutte around a bit, and then he stands up on the bench and calls for Marty.

Oh hey Remi Pierce. How nice of you to joi- oh, and he’s dead.

Moving along.

Everett Taylor is the first to sneak up on Josh, causing him to fall on his ass. They size each other up, and Josh tries to assure Everett he isn’t gonna play just in time to get interrupted by Remi’s collar exploding. So, of course, they go investigate the source of the sound by the power of plot.

Everett breaks down and throws up at the sight of Remi’s corpse. Josh tries his best to calm him down and more importantly get the two of them away from the site. They decide to head back to the starting point of the bench since Josh left his jutte behind on accident.

I like the two of them together. They’re both wholesome in different ways. I especially like the touch that Josh slows down to let or help Everett catch up with him on the way back. He’s a cool dude if somewhat making light of the situation at times.

The two make it back to the bench and Josh gets his stuff back, and they head off for parts unknown.

Mad World
Obligatory listening.

The thread opens with Josh lagging behind and getting separated from Everett in the forest at the base of the mountain. He manages to catch up, but Everett pretty much isn’t doing too hot. Because he’s dead. So, yeah.

Josh doesn’t take this development well and bawls his eyes out. We also learn that he had a friend that OD’d and died so I assume this comes up in the profile. Anyway, he pretty much breaks down.

Several different people come out of the woodwork, but the next relevant Josh post doesn’t happen until the first announcement. He doesn’t take Daniel’s death very well.

Lots of stuff starts happening around him, namely Eva Lancaster fires a crossbow bolt which hits Everett’s corpse, and RJ Lowe shoots a couple of rounds that ends up killing her and then runs off.

He wasn't crying anymore… […] He'd seen this happen before in movies and stuff, where the main character suffers miniature-breakdown after experiencing a traumatic event similar to the one he'd just experienced. Back then, he always used to think "Man, if I was in that situation I wouldn't be all mopey about it!"

Now on the other hand, he could see exactly where they were all coming from.

He contemplates suicide and goes to start pulling on the collar, and he has a come to Jesus moment with an imaginary Marty and decides to keep living because he has to find him so they could at least die together. Which is something, I guess.

He immediately notices Jessica Pentangeli nearby and decides to just ask her if she’s seen Marty. He has to mentally try to keep it in his pants, but he manages almost perfectly. She says no and runs off with Alex Jackson but invited Josh to stick with them if he wants. He declines and instead tries to dig a hole to bury Everett with his bare hands.

He gives up after ten minutes and resolves to clean him up and leave him supine like at a funeral. He tries to do the same thing for Eva but sees that was already pretty much done so he just takes her crossbow and leaves.

This thread was a roller coaster of emotions.

Life’s a Beach

The opening post is Marty’s perspective, so I’m guessing we’re back to the two of them being attached to the hip.

Josh is walking along the beach contemplating life and shit. The second announcement plays, and he’s relieved Marty isn’t on the list anywhere. He sees a commotion going on with a couple of girls and decides to sneak away into the woods. Maybe we have more time before Josh/Marty joins up together? I’m a little surprised.

Oh, God damn it. Josh hears his bro and comes back into the thread and heads for the commotion he previously was gonna avoid so here we go.

He comes back just in time to catch Michelle O’Cain knocking Marty out with a crowbar. He holds up both Michelle and Aston Bennett and demands them to drop their weapons. Anna Chase is there too and runs to check on Marty. Michelle drops her crowbar first which defuses the situation. Josh lowers his gun and takes this opportunity to check on Marty as well. Luckily he’s not dead, so Josh picks him up and carries him off into the next thread with the other girls following.

As a note the shared handler situation wasn’t particularly egregious in this thread, but I imagine it will assuming Marty wakes up.

Wind in the Willow

The fact that he [Marty] was actually still alive was enough to put a smile on Joshua at that moment. He'd done it! He'd actually done it! He'd found Marty, alive and... Well, unconscious.

We pick back up in the woods where the group of 5 decide to take a break by a stream of water. They take this moment to discuss about what happened and why and now it’s all good except Marty might have died, but eh. They get joined by Rachel Gettys and Ben Powell on friendly terms.

Rachel, having been in the announcements, isn’t considered trustworthy so every very inconspicuously whispers around her. They ain’t slick. But it’s okay anyway; they convince her to just leave.

And cue Marty waking up. And now we’re back to the conjoined characters.

"Josh? Whu... What happened? Where are we?"

"Oh god... Don't tell me you've got amnesia! Oh shit, I was afraid of this happening! Look, my name is Joshua Krakowski. And YOUR name is Marty J. Lovett. We're friends, okay! We were..."

"I don't have amnesia Josh. At least, not severe amnesia anyway..."

I do kind of enjoy that Josh’s first thought on Marty waking up was that he has amnesia. I know it’s such a trope, but I’m a simple guy who unironically loves amnesia tropes even if it doesn’t really work that way in the real world. I’ll give points for effort.

The group goes over the event from the beach, but get interrupted by the next daily announcement. Also they’re in a danger zone, so they cut everything short and get the hell out of there.

And As If It Couldn’t Get Any Worse

The thread opens with the group settled in one of the mining buildings. Josh and Anna talk for a bit before Marty, not taking the news that his crush Carol has died, leaves for some fresh air. Fresh air being throwing a tantrum, I guess.

Anyway, Josh and Aston run out there and pin Marty down before he can destroy one of the cameras. Michelle takes this time to grab the crossbow gun and hold up the two of them because maybe she’s a little unhinged.

And then Richard Han’s death sneaks in. I’m glad I keep running into meme characters, and his death is even more artsy since now the new board doesn’t support font commands so the formatting’s a little broken but that’s V4, babe!

Moving on, Michelle shoots Aston in the arm. Marty breaks out of his trance and shoots Michelle a couple of times with Aston’s gun. Bang, boom, she’s dead.

Josh has a hard time processing that his friend just murdered someone (in self-defense, but ya know, still murder), but he breaks out of it when Marty tells him to grab a med kit for Aston and does so.

Anna and Aston ask Josh about how the hell Michelle got shot, so he decides to cover for Marty and blow it off as a random assailant. Marty immediately just takes off, and Josh follows behind.

Later, Buddy

And now the final thread.

Josh catches up with Marty at the funfair and immediately plays 20 Questions on why he decided to just run off. They get interrupted by the next set of announcements to start.

They enter the fair and decide to take a break over by the carousel. They share a beer Josh snuck in with his trip supplies and share a moment talking about how low their chances of survival are, but it’s okay because even the little guys like them that have no important role in the story have people that care about them. I know I’m reading way too deeply into this exchange, but it reminds me of why I like SOTF so much, in that every character has a story to tell whether they are the first ones to die or the Endgamers. But I digress.

Josh/Marty reconcile about the mine cabin incident just in time for Quincy Jones and Tiffany Chanders to find them and immediately shake them down for all they got. Quincy also tries to shake information out of them, and unsatisfied with what Josh tells him decides to just shoot him in the knee.

Josh, understanding that this situation is looking pretty grim for him, tries to pull himself together long enough to let Marty slip away. It works, but Josh dies with one last headshot from Quincy.

So, do I recommend Josh for anyone curious? It’s a SOFT NO from me. The competing POV flips in his and Marty’s shared posts get really confusing, not to mention there’s a lot of wacky FORMATTING as problematic for v4 as a whole. Do I hate the character, though? Not really. I just wish we could have gotten more time with Josh on his own as indicative in the opening thread he has with Everett and the heart to heart he has with Marty on the carousel. There’s gold if you go looking for it, but you have to dig deeper than you honestly should to reach it.

New kid, please.

[Cactus]

Welcome back from assignment, Jilly. I... I see you saw that certain parts of v4 were a mad, mad world. Your work is appreciated and the higher-ups have taken note of your wiki and your board review. It's very impressive, so we're thinking we might continue on by giving you another one. Make sure you take a few moments, grab some water, and replenish your supplies, because you're heading back out, pronto. You know Time Command; they just never sleep. I've got a whole box full of assignments ready to be given out. So for this time...

*rummages around inside of the box*

You get the second, less infamous Garry.

Jilly: Garry Villette

[Cactus]

Detective-Sergeant Cactus looked around the empty control room and waited. He'd had an excellent sleep and was now ready for the day, but everyone was still out on assignment, so the morning had been quiet. He twiddled his thumbs for a little bit, organized the box of assignments, and even checked his fantasy hockey pool. But no one returned overnight - everyone was still out. The higher-ups had told him that he was more than happy to jump in and do a few himself, but he needed to ensure that he returned each time someone needed an assignment, so it might be slow.

He eyed the box.

Maybe... maybe one couldn't hurt.

He eyed the box again and shrugged. Why not, for old time's sake!

Cactus: Robert Barron

Grabbing the standard issue time police equipment, Cactus jumped into the time machine, making sure to have his walkie-talkie on him, just in case...

[backslash]

Boy oh boy I hope you guys are ready for some WACKY FUN TIMES with Maria Graham because I sure am not. I am doing this review with an effort to separate meta knowledge from the opinions I form on the writing alone, so let's see how Maria stands on her own two feet.

[+] Pregame

Maria's one memory thread and her pregame serve two main purposes: establishing her relationship with Duncan, and telling us that she's zany. Technically, it accomplishes both of these things. To be completely fair, the jokes do sometimes land. The problem is that when they do, they're usually run into the ground right after. For example: Maria kills a bee, and the bee gets a death tag. That's amusing. She spends the rest of the post making bee puns. Less amusing. Her own narrative lampshades how bad the puns are. The joke has overstayed its welcome at this point. I also don't really care for the fourth-wall breaking at all, because it doesn't serve any purpose here other than making Maria weirder than she already is; she's so weird that she can SEE BEYOND THE UNIVERSE and it just comes up occasionally and then is never acknowledged further than Maria going "what, why am I having these thoughts?"

She and Duncan get some actually sweet moments but a lot of the time it's undercut by Maria's need to be constantly weird. He's not the only one of his handler's other characters to end up sharing posts and playing second banana to Maria in this way either (there's Zack, or possibly Zach, whose name nobody can spell consistently, even within his own posts), but he gets the brunt of it. Even in the thread where they reunite after not seeing each other for five years, Maria doesn't seem to actually care about Duncan all that much, tackling him (onto his keys, no less) then running off to be random elsewhere with a greeting and little more. The problem this results in is that Maria's most important relationship is made more or less all about her, with even Duncan's point of view fawning over how great she is or at worst going "oh Maria, you so random". It loses some of the depth it could have had in a less one-sided pair.

My favorite threads of hers here are probably her memory oneshot with Duncan, and her last oneshot in pregame where she deals with some setbacks and actually has to face the fact that not everybody finds her wild 'n wacky shtick endearing (putting aside the fact that the people who aren't taken in by it are clearly supposed to be the bad guys). Overall though, the pregame does what it sets out to do, so we can call it serviceable even with its pitfalls.

[+] V4 island

So right away with Maria's arrival on the island, we start to see how the zaniness is more of an issue in game proper than pregame: this is a much more dire setting with higher stakes than any situation that Maria has faced before, but she's still lol random bumping up against characters who very much aren't. I think I'm more forgiving of weirdness in the name of style than a lot of people, but like in pregame, Maria's randomness is so rapid-fire and constant that it loses its impact and just creates a very jarring tone dissonance here.

So Maria has a dream about being a robot bear sent to kill everyone, and she is the first to get hit with the formatting stick which works equal but opposite to my formatting stick. She also links up with Cassidy, who is another fan of colored text formatting so I'm sure this read isn't going to hurt my eyes at all. Dan Kensrue, Paige Strand, and Dustin Royal (hi Espi) are here too. To Paige and Dan's credit, they're not here for shenanigans, though Dan does set up a decent joke where his narrative refers to him as DK and Maria in turn calls him Donkey Kong. Otherwise, it's a pretty standard first thread with people waking, making their initial alliances, and then going their separate ways.

Next we go to Ten Shades of Gray, the thrilling prequel to 50 Shades, which opens with a guy getting shot. This is a pretty crowded thread, but the important stuff that happens is Maria finding her dead former bandmate Warren Brown and having some real human emotion for a bit. She grieves over Warren and struggles to give him a proper burial (and fails, which I actually like; digging is hard, yo). Stuff does veer pretty quickly into angst that gets weird because we've never before seen a hint of any of these regrets that Maria is feeling (that she's selfish, that people don't really like her, that she lacks real skills), which I think undermines the more real grief she feels over losing a friend so soon by again making things all about her. She takes a break from this thread to go into a different one and cry in private.

Characters with colored text count: 4

Woods of Paranoia is a weird thread to detour into to have a grief cry, since it opens with Carly Dooley and Jimmy Brennan screaming and running into each other and a variety of other characters watching and thinking that they're stupid. Her sadness over losing a close friend also evaporates pretty much immediately in favor of lol random again, so so much for that. She also immediately loses any hint of self-preservation by walking up to Phil Ward, who is bloodied and possibly violent, and annoying him. And then when he threatens her, she boops him on the nose.

Never walk up to a potential murderer and try to calm him by touching his face, kids, no matter what Homestuck tells you.

So anyway Maria gets the shit beat out of her. There are some varied reactions to this, between Chris trying to intervene and Marybeth just watching and I guess having a good time. Francine wanders in and Maria is armed with a flare gun so some of us know what's about to happen here. Maria gets the flare gun out and tries to shoot to warn off Phil, but because she has been thoroughly pummeled, she can't see clearly and ends up shooting Francine. Francine goes up like a 1973 Ford Pinto, and the words "flare gun" haunt Toben for the rest of his days. This causes Maria to have some kind of stress-induced hallucination about being on fire herself, and she runs all the way back to the town center while being chased by voices telling her she's going to hell.

All of this has somehow only happened over the span of one day, so Maria makes it back to Ten Shades of Gray in time to panic over hearing herself on the announcements, be relieved that she wasn't on the announcements, and then she just kind of faceplants into the dirt out of exhaustion. Also she lost her shirt in there somewhere and Dustin is more concerned with that than the fact that she's pretty beaten up. Negative ten points to Dustin. She remains unconscious for the rest of the thread and gets dragged off along with them when they finally clear out.

Maria is still unconscious when we begin The Moon is Laughing at You, so we get the return of the Robo-Bear 5000. Yaaaay. This is where the wackiness really starts to grate for me, because dream surrealism is something you can really play with for impact, but instead we've got Robo-Bear and Wicker Man Nic Cage spouting bee memes, which doesn't do anything except shove some more randomness in the reader's face. At this point Maria has lost a good friend, been attacked and left with some real injuries, and accidentally killed someone. Her inadvertent killing of Francine does come up when the dream turns into a nightmare, but it just reinforces her initial reaction to it without really expanding upon it, and it's preceded by Nicholas Cage.

When she does wake up, Dustin immediately propositions her pretty clumsily, and she agrees with the reasoning that she wants to take her mind off of things. This does actually go with stuff that's been established about her, namely that she clings to others for comfort, and does things that she later regrets in the same vein. It is kind of weird that they're doing this in a thread with nine other characters, but it has been established that they're in a different area of the residential district (and this makes me thankful that we have sub-areas now), and the sex itself is fortunately glossed over. It ends when Dustin can't get it up because of stress and Maria reflects that she's glad they weren't able to go through with it after all. Not too bad, as far as island sex scenes go.

Also, Duncan finally turns up right before the thread ends.

We end up in another already pretty crowded thread in Final Third Foul, where Phil (remember him?) has just been Moxie'd. Duncan and Maria are sharing posts now and it's honestly really awkward that she's still beat up and kinda miserable and Duncan is just soooo distracted by her being topless in spite of that. Someone give this girl a shirt please. I don't want to end up on a watchlist. Fortunately any and all love confessions are interrupted by the aforementioned murder. I will say that I do like Maria's consistently conflicted reactions of wanting to visit revenge upon people who have wronged her but faltering when actually faced with the prospect of violence happening to them, like her mixed feelings about Omar's death and now her anger at seeing Jimmy Brennan abusing Phil's body. That's a nice realistic touch that is unfortunately undercut by the fact that she's barging in on an already tense moment between Jimmy and Phil's allies and threatening to "dropkick [Jimmy] in the ass" in massive red text.

Anyway everyone just kind of uselessly yells at each other and fails some weapons without anything happening, then people scatter. Maria's left with Duncan and Cassidy again to have some more conflicted feelings about Phil's death, which actually do not get immediately interrupted by a joke for once. Then we're off again.

Characters with colored text count: 5

We're back to the residential area for No Crying Allowed, and oh look it's the MS Paint drawing. The intended symbolism is helpfully explained right in the text underneath it and it does nothing for me that words alone couldn't have done better, and in fact is pretty jarring to start on this right after Maria had one of her rare Real Human Emotions at the end of the last thread. We also have another dream sequence and Robo-Bear 5000 appears AGAIN. Is this the dream motif you really want to latch onto? You want to have a robot bear and Nic Cage fight and then explode while you're trying to do a deep conversation with the inner self? Also when she finally does wake up, things get interrupted by more massive red text which I assume is song lyrics and it's very distracting.

The wiki tells me that Duncan dies in this thread, and that's probably in his best interest.

Sure enough, we have some more confusing dream sequences, (to the point where I'm not even sure whose dream it is; it's in Cassidy's post but she's GMing Duncan around and the content makes it seem like Maria's dream), and then Maxwell just kind of pops in to shoot Duncan a bunch. Then he dies, and we get the usual colored text voices arguing back and fort and gradually getting bigger and bigger and to be completely honest at this point I skipped the rest of the post because I didn't care. There's yet another dream sequence or something with Duncan's ghost and then he's dead for real.

Maria starts talking entirely in blue in the post after this to signify that she's finally ~crazy~. It has very little impact because she's already been crazy and talking in colored text before now.

Going to say this is the part where things definitively drop off for me. Maria has four threads left, and I can't imagine watching her stumbling around having rainbow text thoughts and saying random stuff is going to be very engaging, especially when pretty much everyone else around her is being a lot more serious (or being evil, if you're Maxwell). We go to the sawmill for Fatal Fury, and it seems like Maria's gone into complete denial about Duncan's death, which could have been compelling, but instead is more colored voices yelling at her. Cassidy also appears to be hallucinating at this point, so I guess the confusing dream sequence in the last thread was hers.

The announcements come on and it looks like we get the post Duncan died in copy-pasted in full so I skip it again. Also guess who is here. It's Maxwell, and he's evil. Cassidy gets dead. Maxwell and Maria have an awkward fight scene with lots of monologuing and red text, then the sawmill burns down but they both get out, though Maria's been stabbed or something. Then she stands there and yells??

We stay at the sawmill for Down the Road, Not Across the Street. Maria just kind of wanders around in a daze. I guess her stab wound wasn't very important. She almost kills herself, but the other Maxwell (the not evil one) comes in and stops her. They have a moment, and Maria claims that she'd rather die now before she can be driven to kill, which is a nice sentiment I guess, but her thoughts are pretty constantly interrupted by colored text interjections at this point, and having my eye drawn to the word "MONSTER" in bold red text kind of distracts from the emotional impact her resolve to stay true to her ideals at the cost of her life might have. The moment is then completely killed when Maria's stomach growls and she starts rambling about food like her old wacky self. Some group comes in and they have a brief interaction with Maria and Max, and then our heroes(???) are off again and Maxwell goes inactive between threads anyway so we never see him again.

It's down to the woods again for White Sparrows. Ivan and Tabi are here (hi Ricky) having a face-off with Madeleine Smith, and Maria wanders in singing the Tetris theme until she stumbles across Francine's body and has a little freakout before recognizing Tabi and flashing back to the bee incident way back in pregame. Rip in peace the best joke Maria ever made. A bunch of other people stumble in but we mostly ignore them so Maria can have a breakdown. The abuse being heaped on her is really getting to be a bit much at this point, and it's not succeeding in making her sympathetic so much as it combines with the bursts of zany to make me relieved that she only has one more thread after this. She gets dragged away by Ivan and Tabi, end thread.

Back to the residential area one more time dark lord Satan give me strength. It's Maria Graham's Series of Unfortunate Events. Robo-Bear 5000 is back again and I hate it. There's a dream sequence that's kind of supposed to be all of Maria's dream people recognizing that she's dying and saying goodbye, but I just don't care. Anyway Maria is clearly dissociating and dying but Tabi finally gave her a shirt so at least we have that small mercy. Then she hallucinates Duncan again and has a very long death scene with lots of ellipses and oh god it's finally over.

So. WACKY FUN TIMES, YOU GUYS.

Maria's pregame and the first half of her island threads are alright, but once Duncan bites it, it's just trauma conga line right to the end, interspersed with really distracting formatting and jokes that don't land. There's a foundation in there of a person who uses humor to cope with negative things, but the interesting parts are all glossed over in favor of rushing us along to the next punchline or in the second half, heaping more and more abuse on Maria for what seems like a sympathy grab instead of developing her character to be sympathetic. Maria's flaws aren't dwelt on unless it's time for her to self-flagellate, and her good traits are mostly other people telling us how good she is, so we're pretty much left with the lol random and the uncomfortable stuff that happens to her.

Also for whoever gets Duncan, I fixed all his thread links where he's with Maria. You're welcome.

Another.

[Cactus]

Oh, Zee. Oooooooh, Zee. I am sorry you had to go through that.

*takes the report and looks it over, a quarter of the way through takes out the therapy kitten from the equipment cabinet*

Here. You might need this. Once you have had some designated cat time and you're feeling back on even footing, I've got your next assignment. Don't worry - even our most senior members take some time with Jude Paw. This one sounded somewhat traumatic, I hope the next one will be a little more even for you.

Hopefully we'll get a recommend soon; the Sadctus is still sitting alone in the rec spot.

backslash: Johnathan McDowell

[backslash]

I remembered Johnathan's death because he dies in a thread where a lot of other people die, and that was about it. Turns out this is because he goes inactive right after his island debut and his very next thread is the one where he dies via getting too excited and running into a sword. He doesn't have any pregame or memories, and doesn't do a lot in his death tread before kicking it, so that's about all there is to say about him besides that he has the inferior spelling of "Jonathan".

One more.

[Tonyksin]

Here's my take on Jackie Myrie

Spoiler!

So, this is my first official foray into the magical land of V4. Jacqueline Myrie has no Pregame threads, and 7 in game threads. So that’s pretty appealing. She also has a V5 meanwhile thread somehow so I guess we will see how this goes.

First up is her profile.

She has four interests, none of which besides her interest in “goth (or what she perceives to be goth) fashion” really grabs my attention from the get go. Apparently she is very child-like in appearance, and she masks this by dressing in black and wearing a ton of makeup. Sounds like something a teen would do. She dyed her hair a ton, but now keeps it her natural brown ad cut short. Seems like more info than necessary. She doesn’t have a described island outfit, so I'm just gonna assume it’s probably black. That’s the end of her appearance.

Jackie’s parents were unprepared for parenthood, and had to make due, which is a nice bit of info. But two years later they had another child, and that seems unlikely for people who were wholly unprepared for kids 2 years earlier, but whatever, it could have been another accidental pregnancy. Her grandmother also moved in with them at this time, to help take care of the kids, which is a nice touch. She seems to have a rivalry with her younger sister for affection, which is a normal childhood thing between siblings, so I like that bit of detail. Jackie began to even resent her sister, which seems like it’ll be important.

The girls eventually bonded over a love for animals which is sweet. Jackie was also a late bloomer puberty wise, and she had a bad attitude which lost her friends at school. Even worse, was that her sister was the opposite, and already taller than her after just beginning puberty. Her family also took yearly camping trips, and she felt most at home there, which is sweet. Her grandma died when she was in eighth grade, which began her transition into goth-hood. Sounds reasonable. Her sophomore year also saw the death of her father, which is very upsetting. Poor girl has had it rough. Aww, but their father’s death brought the two sisters closer, and kept them close forever which is super beautiful.

Damn then her boyfriend dumped her for her best friend, which is rude AF, which sent her into a depression. Aww but this brought her even closer to her sister and the two became inseparable. That's super awesome and sweet. I love it when siblings get along. Most of Jackie's friends going forward were her sister’s friends first, but she was okay with that apparently. She started to volunteer at a library, and dated other boys, and so on and so forth. Her disadvantages seems to rely on the fact that she isn’t well liked by the other students, so I guess we shall see.

Overall, i liked her profile, and an=m genuinely interested to see where this little goth girl goes on-island. Also- she gets plastic vampire fangs as her weapon, which i find to be hilarious.

Thread 1-

So she starts in the woods, midday through the first day. She finds her joke weapon and tries to put them in her mouth, to no avail because they don't fit. LMAO. I’m sorry but that’s amazingly hilarious and kind of sad. I like this bitch. She’s wearing cargo pants, and unzips them into cargo shorts. This girl is pulling a BBQ dad and I’m here for it. Then she just lays on the ground in defeat. Damn, i feel for her, I’d probably do the same, not gonna lie.

A chick named Alison enters the thread, whose weapon is an epi-pen. Seems about as useful as Vampire fangs, so i hope they team up. Also this girl hurt her shoulder when the terrorists dumped her on the island, so that's no fun. She stumbles upon our goth sleeping beauty and thinks she’s a corpse. LOL. she calls out to her anyway, just in case. This scares the crap out of Jackie, who pops up in a panic from her position on the ground. Jackie tries her best to be threatening and fails miserably. Allie quickly states she isn’t a threat, and a new character enters the fray. Some guy named Tobias.

Apparently the guy got attacked by someone already, and he is pretty pissed about it. He spies on the girls, hoping to steal a weapon from one of them. GOOD LUCK BRUH. Another kid enters the thread, by the name of Sofia, followed by another kid named Michael. Mike runs into Sofia first, before they get to where the other kids are. This is about Jackie tho, so i wont talk about what they’re up to. Jackie has a bit of a mental back and forth about trusting Alison, but she notices the other two approaching and tells Allison to be wary, hiding herself behind a log. Allie joins her behind the log for cover. Just as soon as he entered, Tobias is off to another thread. Bye bro.

Sofia has a song-post, because that was a thing back in the day I guess, and her and Mike seem to realize that there were others around before and now they can't see anyone. Jackie bites the bullet (Figuratively) and shows herself, trying to gauge how dangerous the others are. She says if they try anything she’ll hurt them, and Allie chimes in with the threat of throwing a rock. Oh boy. Sofia and Mike make some jokes, and Jackie thinks they’re being a tad too relaxed. I agree bish. Jackie flips on them, and GTFOs out of the thread with a giant “Fuck you!”

On to the next.

Thread 2 -

Jackie and Allie are still together, so that’s nice. But we time-skip a bit all the way to the afternoon of day three. They’re at a church, and Jackie goes in to investigate, finding some corpses and an abandoned duffel bag. Swiping the bag, she returns to her companion with the dead students rations. Allie mentions she can cook up something. A girl name Annalise enters the thread, and quickly calls out to Jackie. Jackie invites her to join them for a meal, but her inner thoughts point to her just wanting to get a weapon. Annie joins them and pulls out her assigned weapon (which she has no clue what it is), and Jackie is visibly jealous. Its apparently a ninja-star or something? IDK it isn't made very clear.

Next a girl named Lily enters the thread, covered in blood, fleeing from some other students. She walks up to the girls and says hi, and then another kid named Kevin stumbles upon the thread. He hides and watches them. Seems to be a running theme in these threads. Annie greets Lily, and two kids named Andrea and allen enter the thread. That makes 6 kids i think. The newbies run into Kevin, so I'm not too interested in what they're up to.

Back to Jackie.

She finds a sword in the duffel she grave-robbed, and threatens Lily with it immediately. Lily is talking in like- reporter speak or something? It’s kind of unsettling and i feel bad for the girl. And oh shit, she starts the crazy train real fucking quick.

"Maclaughlin is also implicated to be the killer in the latest murders of three more high school girls. All three were found shot multiple times by a high caliber handgun. It is suspected to be a crime of passion." Lily moved closer, her hand shuffling around in her bag as if she was having trouble finding what she was trying to grab.

"Bayview Secondary High School will hold a memorial service for the girls next week."

Annie obviously freaks out at this, and Jackie runs up to the crazy bitch and hold her sword to the girl’s throat, grabbing the hand looking for her gun. Lily struggles and slits her neck on the blade. Jackie freaks out that she actually killed another person, and listening to the sounds of the other girl choking on her own blood, loses it and slams the blade down on her neck, killing her and ending the choked noises.

Well that escalated quickly.

Andrea reacts with a shout, and Allie demands an explanation from Jackie. Allen freaks and exits the thread. Kevin quickly follows suit. Annie freaks and says she’s gonna get the hell out of dodge, and andrea leaves the thread soon after. Jackie tries to defend herself, and flips out on Annie for trying to leave. Allie tries to be understanding, but her survival instinct kicks in and she dips out of the thread. Annie quickly follows, leaving our girl Jackie all alone. Jackie stays there for a long while, falling asleep from the stress and waking up with a renewed vigor, vowing to prove herself better than that bitch Annie.

Thread over. What a ride.

Thread 3 -

Jackie enters the beach and takes another nap. This chick really likes to sleep. Reiko arrives and screams out a well placed “Fuck”. Some chick named Courtney comes in next, and greets Reiko. Jackie wakes up to the aforementioned fuck, and is greeted to the morning announcements, cementing her place as a killer on the island. Not only does she hear this, but Allie, her previous companion, had also met her end the day before. Jackie it ht hard by the news, but she isn’t saddened by this, but she vows not to be weak enough to be killed in the same way. She notices the other girls on the beach, and realizes that Reiko is a big-time killer. She pulls out her knife just in case she has to fight. Reiko and Courtney face off, and a kid named Jimmy enters the thread, followed by another named Alan. They approach the standoff. There's some back and forth here.

Oh man, what a clusterfuck.

You read my mind Jackie.

Reiko shoots at the boys, and kills Jimmy with said bullet. His death is very drawn out and extra. Whatever. Courtney gets a shotgun and starts telling Alan to slap Jimmy awake and GTFO. Another kid named Ash enters now, and Courtney dips out of the thread, followed by Alan. Not a lot of Jackie in this one it seems. Ahh, she’s back, and screaming at Reiko that she's a murderer just like her. Waving that knife of hers around. Gun beats knife sillybean.

Reiko threatens to add her to her growing pile of corpses if she doesn’t leave, and Jackie GTFOs in response. It seems that this is the original handler (ella)’s last post with her as she was adopted off. Well i guess we shall see what happens next in Jackie's tale with a new driver in the front seat. Next thread.

Thread 4 -

This one is quick. She comes in, falls asleep, wakes up, and leaves.

NEXT

Thread 5 -

Jackie in in another part of the woods now, and her only goal seems to be killing Annie from earlier. And sleeping without sleeping. I feel her on that one. She comes across some other characters in what looks like a standoff. Two more kids show up, but also hide themselves the way Jackie has. More non-Jackie stuff happens, and another kid comes in. Jackie keeps hiding, but preps herself to attack if the opportunity arises. Some shit happens, and Jackie realises that sitting around and waiting for something to happen is stupid, so she sprints off to another thread.

Thread 6 -

This one is short and sweet as well. Jackie comes to the cliffs, and thinks about how all she's been doing is finding a bunch of people and chickening out and running away. She then apparently takes a piss next to a bush (Crass but hey, when you gotta go you gotta go), and then sits on the side of the cliffs and wonders if she could dive into the water below and swim to freedom. Joe Rios shows up, and greets Jackie. She looks at him and tells him goodbye and dips out of the thread, listening to something on a megaphone. IDK what it was, but we’re gonna follow Jackie to her last thread.

Thread 7 -

Looks like this is the rescue thread.

Ahh, now I see what the megaphone was about. So they’re here to rescue the kids. Jackie is the first to arrive. She runs up to the STAR member (Jaxon), and just like that, she’s rescued.

That’s all for Jackie Myrie.

Conclusion -

All in all, I rather enjoyed Jackie’s story for the most part. Her early game is definitely much stronger than her late game, where i feel like all she does is enter threads just to run out of them right away. Some of that could be contributed to her being adopted off, as when ella was writing her she felt much more like a fully fleshed out character. I would recommend Jackie to anyone looking for a short but fun ride, with the caveat that her last few threads are pretty short and boring on her end.

Please sir, may I have another?

[Cactus]

*brushes the snow off of himself*

Well, Zee and Tonyk, I'm glad to see you're back for more. Excuse me for a second while I scream real loud about the weather. Canada's having some bullshit right about now. Go figure that's where the v4 island supposedly was!

Anyhow.

For your assignments...

Zee: Scott McGregor
Tonyk: Kris Hartmann

Short for Zee, Long for Tonyk. Good luck, y'all.

[Maraoone]

[+] Edward Belmont

Edward is a rather short read, to be honest. His profile files him solidly into the Snooty Brit Demographic. And there's not much to differentiate him from all the other elitist Brits. He moved from England to the US when he was 16, he's a fuccboi who's popular, athletic, etc. His pregame thread also depicts him in a very archetypal manner. It's interesting in that there's some social calculus between him and Jennifer Romita, as they both plan on cheating on each other at some point, and both view this as just a fling. So they're both overinterpreting each other's every move and making the next social chess move. And then Edward starts ~falling~ for her, but the date fizzles out (due to OOC circumstances I believe) and Edward is left walking home with his tail between his legs.

This is the most interesting Edward ever gets.

His time on the island is very standard for an early death. This is one of those writing quotes that gets passed around a lot, but They Say that a character is built on the uncommon ways a character reacts to stuff. Like, when a character reacts to things in a way you wouldn't expect, but it makes sense for that character. And you never get that with Edward. He reacts the same way you'd expect an everyday person to, so he's a boring read. He wakes up, freaks out, meets a friend, follows a friend's plan, and then dives for cover and runs away when someone shoots up the thread. This is compounded by the fact that his opening thread, Wants and Needs, is a party thread with six people in there at once, and there are several more interesting interactions in that thread.

There's some casual bigotry sprinkled in, though, and it may be part of his character, but I found it rather disgusting.

It didn't help he only recognized one of the group right of the bat. Vivien, the little queen. While Edward never interacted with him/her directly, he certainly knew him/her well enough. He/she was crazy enough to convince him/herself that they were a different gender, so why not pushing him/herself far enough to start shooting?

There's actually several examples of stuff like this directed towards Vivien from other characters, which I find rather sad.

He goes to his death thread, Going Round in Circles, where he meets Bob, another Sports Guy, and our Good Christian Savior Rachel Gettys. His reaction to her spiel about salvation is exactly what you'd expect, laughter and incredulous anger, and it gets him killed. I did like this bit though.

A crisis of faith in this situation was a fair point. Cast onto this giant bloody mess? It was almost expected. He couldn't fault her much for her faith, or her trying to preach her version of salvation. Maybe she honestly did believe it. Fair enough. She was a killer and she wanted some sort of salvation. Whatever, not his problem. But that 'you're with us or against us' bit? That was irritating. Who gave her that right?

I like that what sparks his anger is the implication that she considers herself above him in any sort of manner. This is the type of characterization I was looking for, really. It's stupid, not what I'd expect, but it makes sense.

His death post is long, but par for the course of v4. Obligatory flashback to parents, chance death by Rock, realization of death. I like the small tidbit of him expecting more from death, and being disappointed when the Grim Reaper doesn't show himself. Red tag of death.

Next kid ls

[Cactus]

Hey hey Mara, thank you for your report on Edward. I hope you'll get someone who's a little less disgusting, maybe a bit more of an enjoyable read? In the meantime, the table to your left has an assortment of sweets set up by the catering staff. We figured that you time detectives are going to get a little hungry doing all this time travelling, and there are sweets to drown the taste of unpleasantness.

Get yourself sorted, and here's your next assignment...

Maraoone: Vera Osborne

Good luck!

[Melusine]

Spoiler!

First thought: I knew she existed but I never really read her. I learned what Godspeed meant because of her so thank you Rachel for enlightening the way, amen. The minute I rolled her, everyone was like “omg lore got rachel, thats so messed up”. Not the last part but it’s added for comedy effect so get used to it losers, and like everyone had their thoughts and opinions on her. I’m interested with how she’s going to turn out because she sounds like a character with a capital C. Also she was adopted by someone who is still around which means I can bother said person for like at least one time and maybe include their thoughts here .

Profile: Right off the bat, this is v4-era writing. The tone isn’t formal, like at all. It’s something of v4 and it’s okay on its own but it wouldn’t fly by for today’s standards. However I have to admit that the appearance might be short but I can easily picture her in my head. I don’t know if it’s because I handled crazy christians in the past but I can See Her In My Head. She also lacks an outfit for the island. I’ll assume she’s wearing a nun outfit from now on. Here’s some of my favourite part of her appearance:

“Rachel is attractive in an ugly-person-on-the-inside-but-what-a-body kind of way. [...] and sporting a not-small 34B cup measurement (or whatever the term is) [...]”

That’s what I mean by v4 writing. Due to the size of Rachel, I’m not calling her fat, I won’t be taking quotes from every threads but you bet your ass I’ll pick the funny ones. Like the one above, like...... whatever the term is? I wrote that.

Here’s her profile, for reading along purpose. I should make an audio book omg, I could totally do that.

https://sotf.wikia.com/wiki/Rachel_Gettys

I want to mention that this biography has three paragraphs and has 7 sentences in total. This isn’t a drag, but like.... the first sentence is literally a third of the overall profile, it’s a long ass sentence. I recommend going to read it on your own because........... I honestly love it. The tl;dr about her is that she’s a rich christian white girl with possibly racist evangelist parents who got their money from slavery. That’s. A lot to take in at once, but I think that I will be able to handle it unless she just like lynches someone. Apparently she witch hunts on the island but that’s because Jesus told her so. It’s different from racist lynching, you see.

Her advantages are being a hick, and having done sports. Literally that’s that.

Her disadvantages are being a “prize bitch” and having made people mad at her from being like racist and all.

Her two hobbies are christian club and hockey, I think I need to mention it but it’s not really like a key part yet. I think the christian thing will be more active soon.

Staff evaluation: It should have been “Kumbayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa my looooooooooooord” and call it a day.

Thoughts of Blastinus: “Rachel Gettys was uncomfortable to write for me because she was as full of straw as a fundamentalist character could be.
It was difficult for me to even make sense of her enough to write her.”

Pregame time, murderfuckers: I misspelled that. Anyways, let’s start like every good christian girls: in a club!

Rachel’s first thread is For The Kingdom, The Power And Glory Are Yours, this is a reference to like God and something. Not really a content warning, but she throws a racist slur randomly, so keep tha tin mind. Fits for a soon-to-be crazy christian, she immediately starts being a little bitch about Jesus. She arrives in the club and she’s like “my little followers will arrive soon, haha.” That’s very anime of you, not very god approved. She is joined by what I assume to be other club people, Tifanny and Sapphire, and Rachel is very happy to see them. She’s like “omg eat my cupcakkes bitches” and they are like “hail jesus, cinnamon time.” Bobby sounds like the odd one out, because he isn’t a girl and he doesn’t sound very jesus-y. The whole premise of the thread is that Rachel wants to be president and she is met with some opposition. It’s a pregame thread so as you might expect from me, I’m not too enthralled because I don’t like slice of life. I do however recommend reading it because it’s a solid introduction to Rachel’s psyche. She’s a god loving christian who happens to use her god to make friends, and can you blame her? Yes you can, that’s why you should read it. She really shows her true colour: a bigot. Let’s see how that develops!

Second thread time: An Apple a Day. She isn’t the op but I’ll give the tl;dr. Erik and Chloe are just chatting about like breaking leg business and it’s honestly kinda cute. I wonder if they are a couple or something. Anyways, they are eating lunch when Rachel, our favorite(?) bigot, with her friend Bobby walk in and decide to get a Caesar salad. I won’t lie, I never liked Caesar salads, I should try one. Anyways, Erik wants to invite her to the table, and Chloe is like.... no please. Understandable, by this point, she already earned a reputation. She proceeds to run away after being kinda hit on, it’s awkward, she also mentions the Original Sin, which might be a reference to the whole scene and how she doesn’t want to be around them. Do I recommend reading it? Sure, but she isn’t at the centre. She’s a supporting character here.


In the third, Asian Impact, Rachel picks back up her role as main character. Interestingly enough, she isn’t the thread starter which I would have expected from her because... I don’t know I’m used to people starting their own thread. The character is Ayn Mazumatsuzaki, which is a long name and I don’t think she went on the island. She’s on her chair and she falls because it’s chair and it was on two legs, so that’s where Rachel comes in. She is going to the library for her bio class while thinking of her potential boyfriend, Bobby, and she’s like “I want a pretty conservative dress but also sex is evil and destroy virgins “ until she sees Ayn. It’s another exhibit of Rachel being a terrible person for fun: she sees a girl on floor being hurt and she’s like ‘I’ll go do my homework lol’. You can read this thread if you just want to see her being petty. It’s not the most important thread in pregame for her.

On the fourth day, that bitch had a date in Every Girl's Dream, she takes the lead with Bobby. It’s their thread before prom where they are doing prom things. It’s one of the first time she actually shows some vulnerability, which is interesting because before that she was just racist and a terrible person to be around. It’s an important thread for pregame because it gives another aspect of her life other than her being a shit person. I do enjoy the thread a bit more than the previous ones because she isn’t being petty for no reasons. See, I assumed she would petty but in a different context than like ‘hah she tripped dumb bitch’ and more like ‘my god hates you now’ type of petty. I very recommend reading this thread. This is the second most important she has simply because she isn’t being a terrible person and it gives her some sort of characterization other than racist christian.

Her final thread is the climax of pregame for many characters, it’s The Dance Must go on! For Rachel? Not really. Sadly, she only has one post and she is overflooded by the rest of the posters. One of the most iconic quote is from Vicki’s Isabel and it stuck with me: "I suppose I’ve been having so much fun I forgot about hydration.” That’s all I have to say about that thread. I assume the handler got busy and was like ‘too many people posting aaa i dont know what to do’ which is relatable. Bobby does have an appearance and it’s more constructed but I’m also not doing him, so someone else is going to handle that. Not recommended.

Pregame thoughts: It’s not solid but she has two good threads that should be read before her island time: For The Kingdom, The Power And Glory Are Yours and Every Girl's Dream. They both shows what type of character Rachel is with a lot of context and introspection. The other threads are fine but it is not the most important characterization of her. Also fun fact, I got an allergic reaction after reading her pregame so I’m going to blame her if I die. I shouldn’t meddle with the essence of the world like that, but I’ll do it anyways.

Main game: Right off the bat, I’m greeted with bright yellow text on white background in Take, Eat. Honestly, I kinda want to die and/or commit a felony. It’s not like that on the new board but that was a disgusting surprise since that was the first thing I saw when I hope up. This is chaotic and I’m a gemini. Anyways, this is the beginning of Rachel on the island. I will continue to rate the thread by ‘do you need to read it’ with content warning, but I assume every thread will be important one way or another. She is the OP of the thread and she starts out talking to God about what she has to do on the island. I believe she’s one of the more iconic ‘christian killer’ archetype so having it right off the bat is really a favour to her character. Even if it’s a questionable base, I do think when you are playing a character like that, you are better playing open-decked and going ‘shes crazy because of god’ and not like.... try to make a fun little reveal because that might be too hard to achieve depending on your writing skills. Also funny part: I can work this out. It's not like I'm in a rush. He can wait. Personally, I do think it’s a solid first thread because it sets the tone for the character. Now it depends on whether or not she continues to have the same tone and with the same intensity.

Her second thread is Keeping the Faith and she immediately starts it by being, again, a bigot. This time, it’s a slur (?) toward European immigrants or something? I don’t know I’m learning so much with her, I’m growing stronger in the racist christian white girl department. Last thread, we knew she strayed away from reality with her tiny speaking to God moment, but right now, we can clearly see that she is kinda going insane because she pulls out her tambourine and starts singing "Shine Jesus Shine". I’m going to listen to it and give you my honest onions after this thread. So she meets her first kill, Theo Berh, which she attacks after Super Llama’s character, Sebastian, taunts her about Jesus Christ. Basically, Sebastian memes and Theo is like ‘I just walked here hello’ and Rachel jumps him and shoves him into a cliff and she falls after him. After the tangle, Rachel picks up a rock and starts stabbing Theo in the face, killing him. In that moment, she realizes she killed the wrong person and the other guy is like ‘uh I’m right here’ and she’s like ‘fuck’. Injured from her fall, she picks up a stick and heads to an infirmary on her map. I like this thread despite her speaking to God with the bright yellow text because she actually feels more like a character here. Yes, she is very strawmanny, but she also sounds like a person who made a mistake and she’s actually realizing it. She hasn’t gone down the deep end yet, but it’s something to come. Shine Jesus Shine is honestly a banger, like........ okay christians have some good music, shit.

On the second day I believe, she has her third thread: Going Round in Circles. Her boyfriend-ish, Robert Barron, is the OP. Despite this, she also meets her second kill, Edward Belmont. The thread starts off normally, in okay quality, but it’s obvious at this point Rachel is actually insane now. She tells her boyfriend and Edward about the mission God has given her, and when Edward decides to go ‘this is fucking stupid’ she whacks him with her walking stick. This awards her a new weapon. Keep in mind Edward is 6 feet tall and Rachel is literally a foot smaller than him, and with one blow to the head with the tree branch, she murders him. That’s one of the first.... questionable moment in term of realism? Like obviously she’s insane, but this kills just feel sloppy? Not in IC term, but it sounds like they just were like ‘yeah stick on head bye’ and called it a day. The thread does continue and you can see the reaction of Rachel’s boyfriend. Robert slash Bobby freaks out for a good reason: his romantic interest just murdered someone and she’s obviously out of it. He tries to reason with her and I honestly think the MVP in this thread is Bobby. He really help Rachel’s characterization. She gets mad at him for questioning her delusions but he obviously cares about her in a way that’s kinda touching. At this point in the thread, it is joined by several handlers who kinda messed up the post order. Rachel doesn’t see action until she is adopted by Blastinus. At that moment, the narrative does change a little because it’s a new handler obviously, but also because she just rejected her boyfriend’s advice to stop killing people for Jesus.

Pigeon review: She’s obviously not a character made to be liked, especially with the fact she’s a hardened bigot. Despite this, she is an enjoyable read because she’s not offensively bad. Is she the best v4 character out there? No, but she is still average? Good would be reaching, but she isn’t as bad as the impression I got from her when I started reading her. The main game really helped with her characterization and I hope that with a new handler, it’s going to improve. Pigeon!Rachel gets 4 crazy christians out of 10.

Her first thread with Blastinus and her fourth island thread overall is Wind in the Willow. She joins sixth but I will resume the action before that. Marty and his group, Jake Crimson, Anna Chase, Aston Bennett, and Michelle O’Cain, arrive at the clearing without a real plan in mind. From what I gathered, they left a scuffle or something and things were lost and people were hurt. And Anna is like “we could make aspirin with willow bark” honestly mood me too girl. A guy is unconscious and I assume it will be the premise of the thread Anyways, Rachel joins after the group and with the new direction that Blast is going with, instead of threatening them right off the bat, she tries being a good christian and asking what is up with them. The group is surprised by Rachel’s appearance and they quickly start talking among themselves about how she’s a killer and she’s like..... damn I must respond to that, so she explains her mission and justifies her last kill. The group is not buying it. Realizing the group wasn’t into it, Rachel is like “god bless u, sinners fuckers” and is like “a fireball could kill them all” and she walks away. Not much happens on her side, but this is a fun cameo.

Second Blast thread, False Hope, is another short thread. Rachel comes across Gary Griffin, who happens to die next thread from inactivity, who is searching for his friend Rein. Despite being a small thread, not with a lot of writing, I really enjoyed it. I feel like with Blast, Rachel gained a new awareness of herself and of her environment. I always love when characters picks up on things other people said from the past. Like Rachel finding a gun and going ‘why would you get the rest but not the gun?’ and noticing the destruction in the sawmill and going ‘mmm i dont want to be around who did that.’ This is small details but I really enjoy them. So, yeah, honestly I love this thread because it shows Rachel isn’t going to stab anybody for fun, but she really believes what she is doing is right, and while being conscious of her universe, she manages to twist it into her own interest and believes. It’s honestly great.

Thank you for xylophone fairy for informing me what day is it in Don't Fear The Reaper, I do wonder if Rachel will bring it up. With her ‘i have 3 days and 3 nights to save my people ’, I hope that was something that was carried on or at least addressed with Blast, but I’m not there yet. This is another small thread I enjoy. Despite not being huge on posts, not lot of action, it’s more psychological and interesting than like the three first threads on the island she has. What’s interesting is that she meets her now ex-boyfriend who ‘betrayed’ (didn’t join her cause) her and one of his ally. Rachel is shown that despite being kinda insane at this point, kinda i mean a lot, she is still very aware of her situation. She knows that she can get Robert to do help her out, especially with her injury, because of their past bond. She admits to herself that she hates it, but she still goes through it. I do like how her thought process is going now and I do prefer Blast’s version of it. Is Rachel still a piece of shit? Yes, but she feels more human.

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly is Rachel’s second to last thread, her seventh, and Blast final thread handling her. Yeah, I will do a little thing about him dw. I love this thread because honestly Blast did a good job toning down Rachel but also still keeping her insane and manipulative. Despite her not getting any kills for the duration of Blast’s time, I feel she is way more evil than she was before simply because it feels she realized there weren’t any going back now. Even if the 3 day limit thing isn’t mention, I like to believe it was something that was weighting on Rachel’s mind and was the reason why she started doubting her own sanity at the beginning of the thread. Solomir’s adoption doesn’t bring anything new to the table, and from my understand, they swapped Rachel for another character so I’m kinda feeling eh about that. I’ll talk about it more in the last evaluation. I’m just sad there weren’t more interactions with Barron because their relationship was really interesting, his handler went inactivte and his death was carried out by staff so that kinda sucked honestly. I would have loved to see the drama between Rachel and Robert blowing up instead of him just walking off and dying. Nothing much to say about Solomir’s entrance yet because he basically just took her out of the thread to move her to bloodgarden, yet there isn’t much difference between blast!rachel and solomir!rachel.

And now, the finale, Bloodgarden also known as blood in a garden that was made out of bodies, and that’s the eight thread. If I have to be honest, learning that like Solomir just swapped his character for an adoptee kinda rubs me in the wrong spot? So I don’t know, I’ll try not to be mean but it just feels kinda scummy and like..... I don’t know if I gave one of my kid to someone and they just swap them out I’d be like...................................................................... okay. But first, Blast write up time!

Blast review: Honestly, Blast took a character that wasn’t the best and made it into something that wasn’t bad. Sounds like I’m insulting him but he actually did a good job with what he had, he managed to control certain aspects that made her iffy with Pigeon but accentuated others to make her more interesting and less dull to read. Even if there weren’t any actions with Blast, it felt like a lot was happening inside of Rachel’s mind and her revelations. I would have love to see something between Barron and her happening but I understand real life kinda sucks sometimes so yeah. Honestly, Blast’s Rachel was good. Blast gets 7 you tried stars but with jesus out of 10

Anyways, murder time. Bloodgarden, eight thread, death thread of like 6 people. I won’t give like a ‘what happened last on Bloodgarden’ because its a long thread with many characters however I can make it a small summary. Our boy Liam goes insane and starts murdering people and arranges their corpses around. When Rachel arrives with Neill, he’s in the process of settling down after fatally injuring Duchy and Kimberly being like ‘fuck u poser’. Obviously Liam isn’t into people ruining his land arrangement by stepping on it so shit hits the fan. Honestly, Solomir does something I didn’t really expect: Rachel is now a certified exorcist and she’s going to save Liam’s soul. I don’t understand why that would like... happen? I guess they wanted to make it dramatic but it comes off as unintentionally funny. The only character who I actually feel bad for and actually made me feel something was Neill who’s like ‘im stuck with two crazy, why am i here’. So Liam is like ‘ill play along lmao’ and rachel is ‘omg its working !!’ but its not and like Liam is like “yeet” and blows a couple of holes in Rachel. I wish I had more to say but its. That. Like honestly, I don’t like Solomir’s version of Rachel. She just feels like a character who had better to do than like do a random exorcise for the lulz and then get shot. She feels like fodder, and that’s really sad. Also her God yellow text come back so I guess Solomir did their readings at least? Solomir!Rachel is 2 exorcism certificats out of 10, like..... they didn’t try, I honestly feel bad for Rachel. Her legacy is Neill and he doesn’t last long because he is killed by Liam. So yeah. Lmao? I guess.

Final thoughts: I feel bad for Rachel that she is mainly recognized for her time with Solomir. No, she was the best with Pigeon and Blast did his best with what he had, but she was still something more than fodder. I understand why people were like ‘lmao’ but honestly, there’s much more to Rachel than a crazy christian: she’s also a racist.

Slurs count: 3

[Melusine]

oh another character thanks

[Cactus]

Welcome back Lore! You did such a great job on the last assignment that the powers that be have decided to boost you even higher up the echelon - you've been assigned the second of the final ten to go out. Congratulations; give 'em hell.

Melusine: Madeleine Smith

[D/N]

I am always ready and willing to revisit my glory days (and some other people's I'm sure). Gimme one.

[Cactus]

Good afternoon D/N, and welcome to the time police. I see that you're certified, and ready to go. Equipment is to the left, and please make sure to grab a chocolate or two as you go by. I hear they're good. Besides, with v4's reputation, you never quite know what you're gonna get. Forrest Gump jokes aside, let's see who you've pulled for today...

DN: Phillip Ward

Interesting choice... he seems eventful! Good luck!