“I-I-I-I’m,” Dickie sputtered and found it hard for his engine to start.
There was a lot of emotions going on. The reaction to Chloe’s death, the self-critique and guilt at his own decisions, and the desire to keep a public face and smile all mixed into a cocktail of feeling that was impossible to swallow and burned bright going down. His desire to smile couldn’t hide his instinct to frown. He wasn’t thinking about SOTF when he thought about Chloe, not when he listened to his heart instead of his brain. It wasn’t so political or noble or survival focused. Big Dick was just a teenage boy and Chloe had just been the teenage girl he had a crush on. Richard hadn’t loved Chloe, but he had liked her. Not in a complicated way, but in the simple way that a boy liked a girl. He thought of her in the hallway and daydreamed about holding her hand and kissing her soft lips, of dancing slow and putting his hands too low on her hips.
But at the end of the day, Big Dick didn’t do shit.
“I’m fine.”
Daydreams were just dreams and Dickie was quick with a pinch. For all his posture and performance, he couldn’t slay that specter of self-esteem. Richard didn’t ask Chloe out to homecoming even though she was the one he liked, he asked Iris instead. He didn’t follow Marshall in search of Chloe, he stayed with Iris again. Now Iris was gone, and Chloe was dead. What had Dick done but lose fights to the doubts that lived in his head? If he had really cared so much about Chloe, why didn’t he look for her in earnest? His feelings felt dishonest, and he felt his heart bleed and callus.
“She’s right” he said after a moment, “it doesn’t matter.”
Richard got up from June’s bedside and walked up to Darryl at the doorway. He placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder and placed his head down and looked toward the ground. What could he say? What could he do?
“I just need a minute,” he mumbled, “like five, ten minutes. I’m just gonna step out for a second.”
He walked outside and for five minutes he sobbed, for three minutes he prayed and for two minutes he tried to compose himself. He failed at all but the first. Then he wiped his face on his dirty sleeves and went back inside and tried his best to pass the time.
~~~
The hours had churned, and the day quickly turned to night. They had moved themselves further into the infirmary. June remained bedridden and Dickie and Darryl remained at her side. At the moment, the other two were "sleeping" and Richard stood guard, gun returned to hand. They were all close enough to one another so that any warning would be quick, and any response would be unified. The same would be for any retribution, especially with an automatic weapon. Still, they were in it together, for good or ill. For all the safety that came with being in a group, Dick couldn’t get comfortable. He was emotionally and physically exhausted and his pistol felt heavy in his palm just as his eyelids felt heavy on his face. Every minute or so, he’d feel his body shake and he forced himself awake. Whenever he got tired, he thought of his friends, and he thought of food. The problem was that stomach grumbles and grief were quickly becoming white noise. The problem was that every day out here felt like a month and Richard hadn’t eaten or slept properly in a week.
The problem was that he wanted to stay awake and the only thing he seemed to stay was weak.