Janice Cresner

[RC~]

Name: Janice Cresner
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: Senior
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Streetball, playing the violin, geocaching, economics

Appearance: Janice is 5'8" tall and weighs 151 pounds with an athletic build. She has brown eyes, a triangular-shaped face, thick eyebrows, a thin nose, and thin lips. She has her hair bleached making it appear white-ish blonde and has it tied in a ponytail. Her hair is straight and shoulder-length. Her skin is tanned due to her outside activities and she daily wears eyeliner and foundation, though she prefers to go for a more casual look. She is Caucasian.

She usually is seen wearing hoodies or jerseys with plain colors and leggings. On the day of the abduction, she wore a blue coat over a jersey with winter leggings with Yeezy boots.

Biography: Janice was born in 2004 to Norton and Deborah Cresner in Salem. Both being hard-working chemical engineers they didn't have much time to take care of her as a child. They could afford a babysitter who could take of her and were financially well off due to their jobs, but when she was old enough to go to school she spent much time at her aunt's house. The parents were well-off enough to be able to afford a house. Therefore, she grew up with her cousins who were around her age and very into sports, so she started playing sports with them. She eventually grew to love all kinds of team sports, especially grew on playing streetball as a hobby. Janice was more influenced by the lifestyle of her cousins than the lifestyle of her parents.

Janice picked up playing the violin at the age of eleven due to Deborah, who used to be a hobby pianist, deciding that a kid needs to learn an instrument at a young age so it's easier for them in comparison to learning it at a later age. Deborah picked the violin for Janice because her former boyfriend was a violinist and she was fascinated by the violin. Norton and Deborah paid for a violin teacher and Janice took the lessons. Deborah was also of the opinion that since the violin is harder to play than the piano, Janice should learn violin as a kid, as she could pick up piano at a later time. At first, Janice got frustrated with learning the violin and wanted to quit early on, but over time she grew to love the instrument. It's a hobby she continued practising to this day, she even ended up joining the school orchestra.

In school, she started getting into sports as well. She went to the track team as she already was a pretty active kid. She was one of the faster kids and she enjoyed the fact that she was one of the better runners, so she liked the competitiveness of it as well as being better than the others. She also picked up basketball in school, a hobby she had deep interests in, it being a sport she played with her cousins early on. She watches the game as well on screen and she is a fan of the Boston Celtics. It's a fun game for her, so much so that she also enjoys playing Streetball. She is regularly skilled in balling and plays on the defense.

In class, she tries to do well at math as well as sciences due to her parents being endeavoured in the field of science, so she puts much more effort into these subjects as to not disappoint her parents. She also likes PE, due to her athletic nature. She's very earnest in studying because her parents pressure her into performing well or having punishments such as limiting her phone or meeting with friends. She tries to be a model student and show the teachers her knowledge and has tendencies to be a teacher's pet in some classes.

Outside of class, she is good at finding friends, but has trouble keeping them. She gets along with her classmates on the surface level, but can easily be aloof to others especially if they don't share the same circles. She easily gets into fights with friends and is not that forgiving because she often doesn't seem the point of the other people. She also holds petty grudges because of that. This argumentative nature and propensity to hold grudges costs her friends and limits her social circles.

She started drinking early, at age 14, introduced by her cousin Tim, who was two years older and also super into drinking. Tim had older friends he'd drink with, even though Aunt Vivien forbid him to. She began drinking more regularly as she grew older, going to parties with peers or with her cousins. She also started her habit of smoking at parties, in group circles; a habit that would help her relax. She didn't mind taking the risks of drinking and smoking, because she wanted to live her life to the fullest. Her parents didn't like it when she discovered her smoking (they did not mind the alcohol, because they were young once too), and got really angry with her. They punished her by taking away her cell phone for a limited amount of time. Janice never snitched on Tim. She started only smoking at parties or outside. She still has the urge to smoke when stressed out. This lifestyle had a negative effect on her health, and she noticed that when she started getting worse in the tracking team. She began a diet that consisted of low-carb, in an attempt to balance out the harmful effects of her drinking and smoking. She started going vegetarian at age sixteen, for the diet and eventually dipped into veganism and has stayed ever since.

She quit the track team due to her poor performance, but picked up a new hobby to keep herself active: geocaching. She finds it very fascinating to travel the area to uncover things and solve puzzles. It keeps her daily routine fresh and she loves it. It gave her a new way to live life to the fullest because she'd experience so much through her travels. She has gotten some new friends through it; she is very selective in picking them, preferring those who she gets along with and who have a similar attitude to hers.

For a student job, Janice babysits in her free time. She plans on going into economics to have a stable job since she exceeded in math. For preparation, she already took some online courses in business.

Advantages: Janice has a very competitive nature which might make her play the game. She's also experienced in nature due to her geocaching hobby.
Disadvantages: She is very daring and could risk her life. Her smoking and drinking habits have had a negative effect on her stamina. Janice has a tendency to be argumentative and uncooperative with whom she cannot see eye-to-eye.

[MK Kilmarnock]

Hello again, RC. I'm taking Janice, again.

As I mentioned previously, I try to hold off on the 'grammar sweep' portion of a critique until we get content matters situated. This is because it would be pointless to point out sentence structure, spelling, or punctuation issues if the sentences that contain them will be rewritten or done away with altogether as changes are made to the profile. If you would prefer a grammar sweep earlier, I suggest to you what I have suggested to some other handlers I've given critiques for — download and install the Grammarly browser extension. I find that Grammarly is an invaluable (but not infallible) tool for checking spelling and grammar for my writing. If you'd rather not get the extension, I believe you can just use Grammarly's website and paste writing samples into the textbox to check stuff.

With all that being said, I think Janice is in a place where the necessary changes are now relatively minor, so allow me to perform the sweep you so desire:

a thin nose and thin lips > a thin nose, and thin lips (add comma)
with a plain colors and leggings > with plain colors and leggings (remove 'a')
On the day of the abduction she > On the day of the abduction, she (add comma)
Both being hard-working chemical engineers they didn't have much time taking care of her as a child. > Both being hard-working chemical engineers they didn't have much time to take care of her as a child.
finicially well off > financially well off
They were well-off enough to be able to afford a house. > Who was well-off enough? This sentence is written with too vague a subject.
She eventually grew to love all kind of team sports > She eventually grew to love all kinds of team sports
who used to a hobby pianist > who used to be a hobby pianist
former boyfriend was a violinists and > former boyfriend was a violinist and
ended up joining to the school orchestra > ended up joining the school orchestra
In school she started getting into sports as well > In school, she started getting into sports as well (add comma)
In class she tries to do well > In class, she tries to do well (add comma)
she puts much more effort in these subjects > she puts much more effort into these subjects
into performing well, or having punishments > into performing well or having punishments (remove comma)
She tries being a model student > She tries to be a model student
Outside of class she is good at > Outside of class, she is good at (add comma)
roughly the same age, but can easily > roughly the same age but can easily (remove comma)
they dont share the same > they don't share the same
She also gets easy into a fight with friends > She easily gets into fights with friends
A habit that would help her relax > This is a sentence fragment. Combine it with the previous sentence.
taking away her cellphone > cell phone
due to her poor perfomance > due to her poor performance
prefering those who she gets along with and who have a similiar attitude to hers > preferring those who she gets along with and who have a similar attitude to hers
Janice babysits in her freetime > Janice babysits in her free time
She plans on going into economics to have a stable job, since she exceeded in maths > She plans on going into economics to have a stable job since she exceeded in maths (remove comma)
For preparation she already took > For preparation, she already took (add comma)
She's also experienced in the nature due to her geocaching hobby > She's also experienced in nature due to her geocaching hobby

Content notes:
We are told Janice is good at socializing with her classmates but this is immediately followed up with all the ways that she struggles with socializing with her peers, so the very writing contradicts itself here.

There is also a mention of her cousins visiting JEMA, but as I've mentioned before in critiques, this is something that absolutely does not make sense for her cousins to do. Reading carefully into the profile I'm left to assume that as her cousins are older, they went to JEMA previously and all graduated from there. They must have jobs or something to do, and even if they have all the free time in the world, you can't just visit and hang out with people while school is in session because Janice is in class or otherwise busy, plus schools are pretty conscious about security and who they're allowing to visit on school grounds.
Tim had graduated two years ago and works as an apprentice in a bank. > I have no idea why this is just dropped at the end of the paragraph. What does Tim's job have to do with Janice's aspirations or goals?


Get all that fixed up, and leave a post detailing that you made the changes, and I'll give Janice another look.

[RC~]

Done

[MK Kilmarnock]

That'll do.

Approved