((She had tried to warn him not to go this way.))
A breeze blew through the branches above them both, whispering accusations at her. The starry twilight enveloped them, blanketing them in shadow, and threatening to swallow them up. Only her flashlight beam guided their way, holding back the creeping dark. Her legs and arms burned with exhaustion, and cold air sat heavy upon them both, bringing the scent of metal and decay with it.
This place was haunted. Katelyn had stopped believing in ghosts a long time ago, but the ominous feeling in the pit of her stomach made her doubt that. The trapping camp would be the perfect place for the angry spirits she had left behind to ambush and destroy her for her sins. Yet, they were both cold and exhausted, and this was the nearest place on the map for them to take refuge. How was she supposed to say to Kai that this was where her downward spiral had all started? It wouldn't be fair to him to make him hike even further while carrying a dead body, and it wasn't like she wanted to carry all their supplies and weapons forever, either.
At least Robin's body had been buried.
They arrived at the edge of the trapping camp, cabin finally in view. Katelyn forced them both to a stop, shutting off her flashlight and listening out for any sign of habitation. After a minute of near silence, Katelyn turned the flashlight back on, bringing them both forward and into the cabin's empty interior, all while she ignored the big red snow pile that marked the grave. She dropped their bags in the corner of the cabin that wasn't bloodstained, and then eagerly collapsed to the floor.
Once her moment of respite had passed, she lazily brought out her heater from her own bag, setting it down next to her and igniting it, bathing the inside of the cabin with its dim orange glow.
Until the angry spirits came for her, they were safe.
The Sound That You Found For Me
Night, Day 5 (Private, Will Be Quick!)
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VoltTurtle
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((Kai Rosado-Prince continued from Aiskhylos, Agamemnon, line 805))
Kai followed Kitty into the cabin without a word. He followed her lead, visually and mentally glossing over the long-dried blood on the floor and the cabin's shattered window, and carefully deposited Ren's wrapped-up body in the corner before sliding down the wall to sit.
He sat in silence, staring at a spot on the wall without really focusing on it. Felt like he should say something, but what?
"Now we're safe." That was a lie. A pointless one.
"We can bury Ren here." No "we" in that. Kai's arms and back and lungs were burning from carrying them as far as he had. He'd known before that he wouldn't be able to dig another hole deep enough in the frozen ground. He knew it with a vengeance know.
"Why is this happening?" He did, and didn't, already have an answer to that one.
Why had Ren died? Because Matthew Bell was a rabid animal with a gun, and he'd decided that Kitty and anyone associated with her was fair game. Kai knew his type. Wannabe cops and soldiers who were just itching for an excuse. In pessimistic moments, Kai could have said that it was inevitable that someone, somewhere, would end up on the wrong side of a gun in Matthew's hand.
But why did he have that excuse? Kai had made up his own excuses day by day until they ran out. One and two and maybe even three he could have reasoned with. Accident. Self-defense. Panic. He could have justified that in some way. He'd done so to himself as he meandered around the island alone after leaving the safe house.
But it didn't stop. Kitty didn't stop. And Kai knew, not so deep down, that not everyone she'd run into had been like DeMarcus or Matthew.
So where did that leave them?
This dilapidated cabin with the cold breeze blowing in the broken window and fighting with the warmth from Kitty's space heater. With the body of the friend that had died for them. With the shadow of the conversation Kai didn't want to have, but had known for days that they needed to have, hanging over them.
He didn't want to be the one that started it, however much he also knew that maybe he'd have to be.
Kai followed Kitty into the cabin without a word. He followed her lead, visually and mentally glossing over the long-dried blood on the floor and the cabin's shattered window, and carefully deposited Ren's wrapped-up body in the corner before sliding down the wall to sit.
He sat in silence, staring at a spot on the wall without really focusing on it. Felt like he should say something, but what?
"Now we're safe." That was a lie. A pointless one.
"We can bury Ren here." No "we" in that. Kai's arms and back and lungs were burning from carrying them as far as he had. He'd known before that he wouldn't be able to dig another hole deep enough in the frozen ground. He knew it with a vengeance know.
"Why is this happening?" He did, and didn't, already have an answer to that one.
Why had Ren died? Because Matthew Bell was a rabid animal with a gun, and he'd decided that Kitty and anyone associated with her was fair game. Kai knew his type. Wannabe cops and soldiers who were just itching for an excuse. In pessimistic moments, Kai could have said that it was inevitable that someone, somewhere, would end up on the wrong side of a gun in Matthew's hand.
But why did he have that excuse? Kai had made up his own excuses day by day until they ran out. One and two and maybe even three he could have reasoned with. Accident. Self-defense. Panic. He could have justified that in some way. He'd done so to himself as he meandered around the island alone after leaving the safe house.
But it didn't stop. Kitty didn't stop. And Kai knew, not so deep down, that not everyone she'd run into had been like DeMarcus or Matthew.
So where did that leave them?
This dilapidated cabin with the cold breeze blowing in the broken window and fighting with the warmth from Kitty's space heater. With the body of the friend that had died for them. With the shadow of the conversation Kai didn't want to have, but had known for days that they needed to have, hanging over them.
He didn't want to be the one that started it, however much he also knew that maybe he'd have to be.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
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There was a hole in the window, and the roof, and her chest. Despite all that, the cabin's interior started to warm up, if only a little. They wouldn't freeze to death just yet.
Briefly, Katelyn's eyes flicked back over to the lumpy, bloody mass that formerly was her friend. She was trying very hard not to think about them, lest the floodgates behind her eyes open once more. No doubt she would be joining them, wherever they were, eventually. It was just a matter of time until her extra lives ran out, and her story reached its terminus.
She glanced at Kai, looking not quite in his eyes before looking away again, tugging at her hood. She pushed her bag away from her, a chorus of clinking blades coming from within, all while the handle of her knife chafed against her calf. The two of them hadn't spoken very much after they left their old camp behind. For a while, Katelyn had assumed that it was because they were both too wrapped up in their own grief and exhaustion to spare the words, but now, with only the accusations on the breeze filling the dead air, she wasn't so sure.
Her first instinct, whenever she sensed strife within her relationships, was to assume she did something wrong. It wasn't a bad assumption to make, because nine times out of ten, if a problem occurred, then she was the cause. She simply couldn't help herself. Considering her instability, insecurity, terrible social skills, and trouble with empathy, it was a miracle that she had as many friends as she did, let alone ones that loved her so much that they could brush aside all the carnage left in her wake.
Maybe that was it, though. Perhaps it wasn't so easy for Kai to brush it all aside, as much as she wanted to pretend everything could go back to normal. There were certain thresholds that, once crossed, can never be returned from, and Ren's death was just one of those. The very first? Robin, laying outside, underneath the snow.
"U-Um," she started to mumble, unable to look directly at Kai.
How she wished Ren were still here. They always made navigating conversations easier. Still, Katelyn had never been the type to hold back and be vague. When she thought she had bothered someone in some way, she always asked them outright. Her present circumstances wouldn't change any of that, even if the weight of her sins was orders of magnitude greater than it had ever been before.
"I f-feel like there's a... w-wall, between us," she said, a bit louder. "Do you, u-um... not want to b-be around me, right now?"
Briefly, Katelyn's eyes flicked back over to the lumpy, bloody mass that formerly was her friend. She was trying very hard not to think about them, lest the floodgates behind her eyes open once more. No doubt she would be joining them, wherever they were, eventually. It was just a matter of time until her extra lives ran out, and her story reached its terminus.
She glanced at Kai, looking not quite in his eyes before looking away again, tugging at her hood. She pushed her bag away from her, a chorus of clinking blades coming from within, all while the handle of her knife chafed against her calf. The two of them hadn't spoken very much after they left their old camp behind. For a while, Katelyn had assumed that it was because they were both too wrapped up in their own grief and exhaustion to spare the words, but now, with only the accusations on the breeze filling the dead air, she wasn't so sure.
Her first instinct, whenever she sensed strife within her relationships, was to assume she did something wrong. It wasn't a bad assumption to make, because nine times out of ten, if a problem occurred, then she was the cause. She simply couldn't help herself. Considering her instability, insecurity, terrible social skills, and trouble with empathy, it was a miracle that she had as many friends as she did, let alone ones that loved her so much that they could brush aside all the carnage left in her wake.
Maybe that was it, though. Perhaps it wasn't so easy for Kai to brush it all aside, as much as she wanted to pretend everything could go back to normal. There were certain thresholds that, once crossed, can never be returned from, and Ren's death was just one of those. The very first? Robin, laying outside, underneath the snow.
"U-Um," she started to mumble, unable to look directly at Kai.
How she wished Ren were still here. They always made navigating conversations easier. Still, Katelyn had never been the type to hold back and be vague. When she thought she had bothered someone in some way, she always asked them outright. Her present circumstances wouldn't change any of that, even if the weight of her sins was orders of magnitude greater than it had ever been before.
"I f-feel like there's a... w-wall, between us," she said, a bit louder. "Do you, u-um... not want to b-be around me, right now?"
"No. It's okay." The response was automatic. He'd said it countless times to the same question over the years. Usually, Kai meant it. Right now, habit brought a hollowness to it.
"...It's not okay," he corrected himself. His eyes refocused and found Kitty's face in the dim light provided by the heater. "Everything, I mean. But don't go anywhere."
He hadn't thought this through. He'd known he wasn't thinking it through and had in fact deliberately refused to think things over in depth while he searched for Kitty. The moment of the reunion had been everything he wanted until reality broke back in. It hadn't waited long.
Now what?
Kitty was right about the wall, he guessed. Normally, he didn't need to search for something to say. Comfortable silence was good enough, and Kitty usually found something to fill it with. Ramblings about art or games or animals. Anything, really.
This wall was one that Kai was going to have to scale himself. Time to bite the bullet.
"Where are we going from here?"
"...It's not okay," he corrected himself. His eyes refocused and found Kitty's face in the dim light provided by the heater. "Everything, I mean. But don't go anywhere."
He hadn't thought this through. He'd known he wasn't thinking it through and had in fact deliberately refused to think things over in depth while he searched for Kitty. The moment of the reunion had been everything he wanted until reality broke back in. It hadn't waited long.
Now what?
Kitty was right about the wall, he guessed. Normally, he didn't need to search for something to say. Comfortable silence was good enough, and Kitty usually found something to fill it with. Ramblings about art or games or animals. Anything, really.
This wall was one that Kai was going to have to scale himself. Time to bite the bullet.
"Where are we going from here?"
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
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Katelyn sniffled, glancing at Kai with a soft, half-lidded stare that he would be all too familiar with.
"I d-dunno, I hadn't really th-thought about it," she replied. "I was so... c-caught up with finding you guys that I didn't- I didn't think about what w-would come after..."
The goals she had set at her earliest hours on this island had been reached, so now what was she supposed to do? Ren died because of her. Without her having been there, Matthew wouldn't have killed them. She had always been a magnet for doom and gloom, so she really should've expected something like that to happen. Was Kai was next? Was it selfish of her to ask her friends to stay by her side, when she had the vengeful Sword of Damocles hanging over her head?
Kai might be safer without her around, yet he clearly didn't want to leave. Where would she go from there? She couldn't let what happened to Ren happen to him.
"I'm w-worried that... m-more people will come after me," she quavered, looking away from him. "For what I- what I've d-done."
She swallowed a heavy lump in her throat, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, quickly brushed away with her sleeve.
"I don't want y-you to get h-hurt."
"I d-dunno, I hadn't really th-thought about it," she replied. "I was so... c-caught up with finding you guys that I didn't- I didn't think about what w-would come after..."
The goals she had set at her earliest hours on this island had been reached, so now what was she supposed to do? Ren died because of her. Without her having been there, Matthew wouldn't have killed them. She had always been a magnet for doom and gloom, so she really should've expected something like that to happen. Was Kai was next? Was it selfish of her to ask her friends to stay by her side, when she had the vengeful Sword of Damocles hanging over her head?
Kai might be safer without her around, yet he clearly didn't want to leave. Where would she go from there? She couldn't let what happened to Ren happen to him.
"I'm w-worried that... m-more people will come after me," she quavered, looking away from him. "For what I- what I've d-done."
She swallowed a heavy lump in her throat, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, quickly brushed away with her sleeve.
"I don't want y-you to get h-hurt."
"I'm going to get hurt eventually," Kai said bluntly.
That was really the bottom line. He couldn't say that he'd accepted his inevitable death. That was a hell of a thing to just accept when it had been thrown at you with no warning and no recourse. No time to process or mourn the vague future you'd had.
Kai understood why people always fought so hard for the alternative. It was the same reason that whole American Dream narrative was so enticing to so many people, no matter how many of them it let down. If you tried hard enough, you could make it. There were people who had done it before. You could too. You're just like them in so many ways.
He got it. He also knew that he wasn't going to do it.
Yes, he had a family and a home to go back to. Yes, he could have a future. But he'd seen enough destroyed people in his life already, and Kai knew he couldn't live as one of them.
"I'm going to get hurt," he repeated, "and maybe it'll be an accident or something, and maybe it won't."
He locked eyes with Kitty through the darkness. "Even if it's not, you're not gonna kill whoever it is for me."
It was a command, not a request.
That was really the bottom line. He couldn't say that he'd accepted his inevitable death. That was a hell of a thing to just accept when it had been thrown at you with no warning and no recourse. No time to process or mourn the vague future you'd had.
Kai understood why people always fought so hard for the alternative. It was the same reason that whole American Dream narrative was so enticing to so many people, no matter how many of them it let down. If you tried hard enough, you could make it. There were people who had done it before. You could too. You're just like them in so many ways.
He got it. He also knew that he wasn't going to do it.
Yes, he had a family and a home to go back to. Yes, he could have a future. But he'd seen enough destroyed people in his life already, and Kai knew he couldn't live as one of them.
"I'm going to get hurt," he repeated, "and maybe it'll be an accident or something, and maybe it won't."
He locked eyes with Kitty through the darkness. "Even if it's not, you're not gonna kill whoever it is for me."
It was a command, not a request.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
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Katelyn flinched, Kai's words as much of an accusation as they were a command.
"S-So you just," she said, exasperation creeping into her voice. "You j-just-"
Her gaze shot over to the bloody lump that used to be Ren. She couldn't let that happen again, no matter what it took, and even if Kai didn't want it.
"You just want me to let you d-die? Like Ren?"
"S-So you just," she said, exasperation creeping into her voice. "You j-just-"
Her gaze shot over to the bloody lump that used to be Ren. She couldn't let that happen again, no matter what it took, and even if Kai didn't want it.
"You just want me to let you d-die? Like Ren?"
"What's the alternative?"
Rhetorical question. He'd seen and heard the alternatives. Kitty had cried for Ren just like he had. She was still grieving, just like he was.
But she'd screamed and sworn vengeance and death on Matthew first.
The person in front of him both was and wasn't the person Kai knew. He still couldn't fully wrap his head around the ways she'd changed in just a few days apart. Talking as if it was normal to want to kill. To feel like she had to.
If Kai didn't manage anything else with his life, he at least wasn't going to end it by sending her further down that path.
"I don't want to lay down and die." His tone dropped, low and heavy with exhaustion. "I don't want to hunt down anyone who might hurt us or spend all our time fighting people off either."
Running scared and fighting like animals all the way down. Kai loved the wilderness, but he wasn't going to spend his last few days as an animal.
Rhetorical question. He'd seen and heard the alternatives. Kitty had cried for Ren just like he had. She was still grieving, just like he was.
But she'd screamed and sworn vengeance and death on Matthew first.
The person in front of him both was and wasn't the person Kai knew. He still couldn't fully wrap his head around the ways she'd changed in just a few days apart. Talking as if it was normal to want to kill. To feel like she had to.
If Kai didn't manage anything else with his life, he at least wasn't going to end it by sending her further down that path.
"I don't want to lay down and die." His tone dropped, low and heavy with exhaustion. "I don't want to hunt down anyone who might hurt us or spend all our time fighting people off either."
Running scared and fighting like animals all the way down. Kai loved the wilderness, but he wasn't going to spend his last few days as an animal.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
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"N-Not fighting is like laying down to die," Katelyn retorted, the slightest tremble creeping back into her voice. "Every s-second has to be fought for. I had to learn that the hard way."
She sniffled, and wiped her face with her sleeve again. The trembling in her voice spread to the rest of her body, nervous energy overcoming her. Much like her, Kai was resigned to his fate, but unlike her, he was prepared to actually give up. She couldn't allow that. He needed to understand that surrendering to death wasn't the answer.
"I could f-fight for you," she offered, in the same way she might offer to help with a particularly odious chore. "I- I’m good at it. If I had just been faster, o-or better armed, I c-could’ve.. R-Ren wouldn’t... they w-wouldn’t have..."
Her voice broke. The trembling worsened shortly after, and she closed her eyes, clutching the sides of her head in a vain attempt to still it.
She had been so stupid to let Ren wander out on their own. Yet, she also knew that if Ren themself had been more prepared for violence, they might have lived. She could protect Kai all she wanted, but if he wasn't prepared to do what needed to be done, then he was doomed. It wouldn't be easy to convince him, as tender at heart as he was. Yet, there was still time for him to learn that killing wasn't so bad once you got used to it.
She sniffled, and wiped her face with her sleeve again. The trembling in her voice spread to the rest of her body, nervous energy overcoming her. Much like her, Kai was resigned to his fate, but unlike her, he was prepared to actually give up. She couldn't allow that. He needed to understand that surrendering to death wasn't the answer.
"I could f-fight for you," she offered, in the same way she might offer to help with a particularly odious chore. "I- I’m good at it. If I had just been faster, o-or better armed, I c-could’ve.. R-Ren wouldn’t... they w-wouldn’t have..."
Her voice broke. The trembling worsened shortly after, and she closed her eyes, clutching the sides of her head in a vain attempt to still it.
She had been so stupid to let Ren wander out on their own. Yet, she also knew that if Ren themself had been more prepared for violence, they might have lived. She could protect Kai all she wanted, but if he wasn't prepared to do what needed to be done, then he was doomed. It wouldn't be easy to convince him, as tender at heart as he was. Yet, there was still time for him to learn that killing wasn't so bad once you got used to it.
"You can't take responsibility for everything that everyone else decides to do."
Kai had said things in that vein before, plenty of times. Kitty had a tendency to blame herself for every bad thing that happened around her. It was her personality or interests that made people bully her. It was her existence that was a burden on everyone else. For every excuse that someone came up with for Ash's behavior, Kitty had one for why her own was constantly unforgivable.
It felt horribly selfish, but he got tired of it. He knew why she felt that way, but that didn't make it any easier to hear. All he could do was reassure her, but it only ever helped temporarily.
It wasn't any better now than in any other circumstance. Maybe worse, even. Kai wanted to ask Kitty if she really thought that she could have it both ways. Was she ready to kill to take down any threat because she thought she could save him that way? Or was she a black hole that just made everything and everyone worse? Protector or doom magnet? It couldn't be both.
The idea of her fighting in his defense would have been almost funny if it had been suggested a week ago. She was so small and so fragile. After everything he'd seen, he still couldn't just erase that image of her in his mind and here in front of his eyes.
It was instinct to buff up Kitty's self-esteem when she started tearing herself down. Kai almost started to, then stopped and bit the inside of his cheek.
"Are you fighting because you plan on winning?" He asked quietly instead.
Maybe her answer would finally change everything for good. Clear all the smoke away and leave him with something simple. Part of him wanted that as much as the rest dreaded it.
Kai had said things in that vein before, plenty of times. Kitty had a tendency to blame herself for every bad thing that happened around her. It was her personality or interests that made people bully her. It was her existence that was a burden on everyone else. For every excuse that someone came up with for Ash's behavior, Kitty had one for why her own was constantly unforgivable.
It felt horribly selfish, but he got tired of it. He knew why she felt that way, but that didn't make it any easier to hear. All he could do was reassure her, but it only ever helped temporarily.
It wasn't any better now than in any other circumstance. Maybe worse, even. Kai wanted to ask Kitty if she really thought that she could have it both ways. Was she ready to kill to take down any threat because she thought she could save him that way? Or was she a black hole that just made everything and everyone worse? Protector or doom magnet? It couldn't be both.
The idea of her fighting in his defense would have been almost funny if it had been suggested a week ago. She was so small and so fragile. After everything he'd seen, he still couldn't just erase that image of her in his mind and here in front of his eyes.
It was instinct to buff up Kitty's self-esteem when she started tearing herself down. Kai almost started to, then stopped and bit the inside of his cheek.
"Are you fighting because you plan on winning?" He asked quietly instead.
Maybe her answer would finally change everything for good. Clear all the smoke away and leave him with something simple. Part of him wanted that as much as the rest dreaded it.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
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"I-"
Katelyn stopped speaking just as soon as she started, biting her bottom lip as her hands fell back to her sides, no longer capable of restraining her trembling. It took her a long time to reply, thinking about it as she was. Did she want to win? Was that the reason why she kept fighting in spite of it all? It was a pipe dream, never going to happen. Yet some small, stupid part of her still clung to the hope that this wouldn't have to be the end, that she could still make a better story.
"I... I don’t pl-plan on anything," she finally said. "I’m not l-lucky enough to win. I just don’t want to d-die, either."
She tightened her hands into fists. Fate might have her in its ugly grasp, but that didn't mean she was just going to let it wash her away. She wouldn't be like her parents, killed tragically and randomly for no reason at all. Her ending had to be better than that.
"I won’t let the world kill me," she said, her words carrying a fire and conviction she didn't know she still had. "I decide when my story ends."
Katelyn stopped speaking just as soon as she started, biting her bottom lip as her hands fell back to her sides, no longer capable of restraining her trembling. It took her a long time to reply, thinking about it as she was. Did she want to win? Was that the reason why she kept fighting in spite of it all? It was a pipe dream, never going to happen. Yet some small, stupid part of her still clung to the hope that this wouldn't have to be the end, that she could still make a better story.
"I... I don’t pl-plan on anything," she finally said. "I’m not l-lucky enough to win. I just don’t want to d-die, either."
She tightened her hands into fists. Fate might have her in its ugly grasp, but that didn't mean she was just going to let it wash her away. She wouldn't be like her parents, killed tragically and randomly for no reason at all. Her ending had to be better than that.
"I won’t let the world kill me," she said, her words carrying a fire and conviction she didn't know she still had. "I decide when my story ends."
Kai was silent for a minute, weighing Kitty's words and his answer like she had done. The wind rattled the cabin, but no other noise came from outside. The heater hissed and crackled. If he tried, he could pretend they were the only two living things on the island. The only ones in the whole world.
He understood what she was saying. He still couldn't connect point A to point B. This couldn't all have been done just to survive, and they both knew that.
When Kai finally spoke, his voice was steadier. "What I'm saying is that if you're not planning to win, fighting to have just a few more seconds here isn't worth it. It's no way to live."
He took his glasses off and set them on his leg, then peeled his gloves off too and set them aside. He rubbed both hands over his face, resting for a moment like that. Comfortable darkness.
He slid his hands down, still covering the lower half of his face and looking over at Kitty. She was a softer, fuzzier outline now. "I was looking for you and for Ren and Cali," he said through his fingers. "It's not because I think we're all making it out together. And I'm not trying to make it out alone."
There. Out loud. Out in the open. Nothing stopping Kai from taking it back, but saying it out loud had a weight. Honor system. A humorless smile twitched across Kai's lips under his fingers. He waited for it to pass before lowering his hands.
"If some kind of miracle happens and people show up to rescue us- of course I'd go home with them." Kai couldn't remember when he'd stopped believing in miracles. "But I can't count on that, and I'm not fighting and killing to be the last one left." Again. Make a statement, make it stick.
"I just-" Kai's voice cracked a little bit, unexpectedly. He hadn't realized until now that his throat was getting tight. "I want to be with the people I love while I can." Because you never knew how long that was going to be. That was always true. One of those mantras the seize-the-day type people repeated over and over. You never know, so live like this is the last time.
If he'd known it was the last time he'd talk to Ren or hug them or anything, he would have done more. Said more. He didn't know what he would have said, but what they'd had didn't feel like nearly enough. But he was still glad to have seen them. To have had that much time. It would never have been enough, but it was better than not seeing them at all.
He knew there was some echo of that in what Kitty was saying, but the wall she'd talked about still stood.
He understood what she was saying. He still couldn't connect point A to point B. This couldn't all have been done just to survive, and they both knew that.
When Kai finally spoke, his voice was steadier. "What I'm saying is that if you're not planning to win, fighting to have just a few more seconds here isn't worth it. It's no way to live."
He took his glasses off and set them on his leg, then peeled his gloves off too and set them aside. He rubbed both hands over his face, resting for a moment like that. Comfortable darkness.
He slid his hands down, still covering the lower half of his face and looking over at Kitty. She was a softer, fuzzier outline now. "I was looking for you and for Ren and Cali," he said through his fingers. "It's not because I think we're all making it out together. And I'm not trying to make it out alone."
There. Out loud. Out in the open. Nothing stopping Kai from taking it back, but saying it out loud had a weight. Honor system. A humorless smile twitched across Kai's lips under his fingers. He waited for it to pass before lowering his hands.
"If some kind of miracle happens and people show up to rescue us- of course I'd go home with them." Kai couldn't remember when he'd stopped believing in miracles. "But I can't count on that, and I'm not fighting and killing to be the last one left." Again. Make a statement, make it stick.
"I just-" Kai's voice cracked a little bit, unexpectedly. He hadn't realized until now that his throat was getting tight. "I want to be with the people I love while I can." Because you never knew how long that was going to be. That was always true. One of those mantras the seize-the-day type people repeated over and over. You never know, so live like this is the last time.
If he'd known it was the last time he'd talk to Ren or hug them or anything, he would have done more. Said more. He didn't know what he would have said, but what they'd had didn't feel like nearly enough. But he was still glad to have seen them. To have had that much time. It would never have been enough, but it was better than not seeing them at all.
He knew there was some echo of that in what Kitty was saying, but the wall she'd talked about still stood.
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
- Posts: 1616
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:10 pm
- Location: Dreamland
"That’s why I’ve been f-fighting!" she said. "If I hadn't… I wouldn't b-be here. You n-never would've seen me again."
That wasn't entirely true, and Katelyn was sure that Kai knew that. Some of what she had done had been in self defense, but she didn't feel all that guilty about those. The weight that hung around her neck came from the others, but even those weren't weighing her down too much anymore. She had a monstrous side that was always there, lurking, waiting for its moment, and this place forced it to come out. She still didn't like it, but she accepted it for her own sake. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, and she knew her own devils the best of all.
"We can have more time t-together, too," she continued, "but not if you just... g-give up."
A lock of her hair fell down in front of her face, and she brushed it aside. Her eyes were affixed on Kai, and she looked at him with a tender gaze that he would no doubt be familiar with. She tried to smile, a weak and pained little expression that showed off her sharpened canines. The sincerity behind it was genuine, but not the joy. It did not quite reach her eyes.
"I love you, and I want us to have as much time as we can," she pleaded, with the begging eyes of a hungry cat. "However much is l-left."
That wasn't entirely true, and Katelyn was sure that Kai knew that. Some of what she had done had been in self defense, but she didn't feel all that guilty about those. The weight that hung around her neck came from the others, but even those weren't weighing her down too much anymore. She had a monstrous side that was always there, lurking, waiting for its moment, and this place forced it to come out. She still didn't like it, but she accepted it for her own sake. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, and she knew her own devils the best of all.
"We can have more time t-together, too," she continued, "but not if you just... g-give up."
A lock of her hair fell down in front of her face, and she brushed it aside. Her eyes were affixed on Kai, and she looked at him with a tender gaze that he would no doubt be familiar with. She tried to smile, a weak and pained little expression that showed off her sharpened canines. The sincerity behind it was genuine, but not the joy. It did not quite reach her eyes.
"I love you, and I want us to have as much time as we can," she pleaded, with the begging eyes of a hungry cat. "However much is l-left."
"I don't think I'm giving up." And maybe that was a lie, in a sense. The rules had been clear: kill to make it out. Kai was giving that up, at least.
But he wasn't giving up on living entirely just yet.
"If someone tried to hurt either of us, I wouldn't just stand there. But-" He stopped again, chewing on the words before he said them. They should have been easy to say.
"I'm not here to help you kill people. Even if you think there's no other way. I can't stand by for that either." If choosing not to kill was the same as giving up, then doing nothing while Kitty killed was the same as playing along.
"Do you understand?"
But he wasn't giving up on living entirely just yet.
"If someone tried to hurt either of us, I wouldn't just stand there. But-" He stopped again, chewing on the words before he said them. They should have been easy to say.
"I'm not here to help you kill people. Even if you think there's no other way. I can't stand by for that either." If choosing not to kill was the same as giving up, then doing nothing while Kitty killed was the same as playing along.
"Do you understand?"
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
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VoltTurtle
- Posts: 1616
- Joined: Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:10 pm
- Location: Dreamland
Katelyn's whole body drooped like a wilting flower, her previous smile turning into a glum frown as she looked at the floor.
"I d-don't know if I do," she answered, "because it s-sounds like... it sounds like you think I wanted to h-hurt people. But I didn't! I n-never asked for any of this."
Her throat started to close up, sniffling overtaking her speech as the tears started to flow once more. Everything that had happened had precipitated from that very first mistake. If she had known that lashing out at Robin would've led to this, she never would've done it. Yet, because of it, she was the monster, and there would be no changing that.
"Like it or n-not," she choked, "I h-have a reputation now. Not everyone is as u-understanding as you, or R-Ren, or California, or Kelsey, or..."
She rubbed her eyes to clear the tears away, curling her knees up to her chest and shrinking into herself. Nobody ever understood her, though how could she blame them for that? Even on her best days she didn't understand herself. Killing had always felt like it was her only option, even if in hindsight she might've been able to do something different. Meena had been right, she was just a dumb animal following her instincts, and now everyone wanted her dead for it.
"Th-they'll k-kill me, Kai," she mewled, barely able to speak. "A-And they'll k-kill you too. Do you kn-know how m-many times I've been a-attacked? I- I'm just- I'm..."
Her voice broke, her throat closing up completely. She buried her face in her knees, wrapping her arms around her head as she continued to cry. When the truth forced its way out of her mouth despite her ever worsening nerves, she didn't sound like the apex predator of this isolated tundra anymore, but instead the fragile girl that Kai knew so well.
"I'm so scared."
"I d-don't know if I do," she answered, "because it s-sounds like... it sounds like you think I wanted to h-hurt people. But I didn't! I n-never asked for any of this."
Her throat started to close up, sniffling overtaking her speech as the tears started to flow once more. Everything that had happened had precipitated from that very first mistake. If she had known that lashing out at Robin would've led to this, she never would've done it. Yet, because of it, she was the monster, and there would be no changing that.
"Like it or n-not," she choked, "I h-have a reputation now. Not everyone is as u-understanding as you, or R-Ren, or California, or Kelsey, or..."
She rubbed her eyes to clear the tears away, curling her knees up to her chest and shrinking into herself. Nobody ever understood her, though how could she blame them for that? Even on her best days she didn't understand herself. Killing had always felt like it was her only option, even if in hindsight she might've been able to do something different. Meena had been right, she was just a dumb animal following her instincts, and now everyone wanted her dead for it.
"Th-they'll k-kill me, Kai," she mewled, barely able to speak. "A-And they'll k-kill you too. Do you kn-know how m-many times I've been a-attacked? I- I'm just- I'm..."
Her voice broke, her throat closing up completely. She buried her face in her knees, wrapping her arms around her head as she continued to cry. When the truth forced its way out of her mouth despite her ever worsening nerves, she didn't sound like the apex predator of this isolated tundra anymore, but instead the fragile girl that Kai knew so well.
"I'm so scared."