Carve What You Feel Into Me

[Ruggahissy]

An old woman leaned over to a boy who had just surpassed her height, though he was still young and still just a boy. She put a hand against his cheek, but the boy looked away as if embarrassed. His blond hair shined in the light and his youthful complexion would make him look angelic were it not for his bored, slightly resentful expression. Her hand was delicate with folds in the skin like tissue paper.

"You were so sweet," she said sadly. "The sweetest of the whole family. But eventually you are all the same. You stop running up to grandma like I'm your favorite thing in the world. It happens with all of you, and I'm always so sad when the day comes."


((Josh James continued from By some unrecorded and powerful hand ))

He had rolled his eyes and his grandmother said that he didn't roll his eyes as well as his brothers or as well as father had.

Josh sat on a log with his gun leaning against his leg. He looked out at the snowy forest which glittered, enchanted and beautiful. The snow dusted the trees and the lightly falling snow swirled slowly down. He watched birds fluff up and retreat into the hollow of a trunk.

Julia had gone to retrieve the prize she won for her murder of Przemyslaw, which the announcement called cowardly. But it wasn't so. She had been very brave, and though it was now undeniable that forcing her to kill Przemyslaw had yielded advantage and the path home, he couldn't be sure she would return. She wouldn't need him with a weapon of her own and her fear and hesitation in the aftermath was as palpable as the falling snow.

So, too, had he sacrificed Shu in the action, being partly responsible for death of the blind companion he'd been carting around. The other boy's rejection had stung so badly. Josh just wanted to touch him again; he wanted to hug him.

But Josh was alone again, just like he had started. Just like he had always been. Perhaps like he would always be. He reflected on his life even before now when he had been alone. Josh had told Dani that he was always alone.

He had never had the opportunity to process his feelings like this. The house was always bustling, school was a constant river of people rushing too and fro around him. He could feel the hollowness, but not so deeply that it betrayed his feelings to others because the background didn't need to feel, because he didn't want to be weird or an inconvenience or stand out negatively.

Josh gasped and tears spilled over his eyes. He could finally cry. He just wanted to have the luxury of crying. It hurt, but it also felt like relief.

Cross that river because you will never be able to return.

I’ll say something true. You are connected but alone.

We are connected. But that’s unpleasant.

The hope for connection zig-zags across your mind, the desire bounces around your heart, every time you see someone. You want to open your arms, unravel your flesh, and find someone that feels the way you do. Perhaps you love, but you don't know how to express it. You never learned how. It's the worst pain you've ever felt, and it feels like it wants to explode from you chest.

Cold tears trickled down his cheeks.

Desire is your life.

[Applesintime]

Someone crept through the forest, their eyes firmly locked on their target. They'd been looking for him for so long, then they thought he might have moved to the other side of the island so they started moving, only to find Joshua James in the middle of the forest crying his heart out. Or whatever was in his chest, they doubted he had a heart in the first place that wasn't anything but as blackened and shriveled as his soul was right now. This wasn't a mad rush to end him like they'd thought it would be, one last swing of the sword in hopes it hit something lethal before the gun raised and everything that she was died in a flurry of gunfire. Instead, it was more cautious, like the wolf stalking his prey through the forest. No branches snapped, no ice slipped on, slipping slowly between trees in order to avoid more noisy-looking sections of the forest. It was slow, but if he startled she'd die in a second. Better this way.

In a way, Madeleine didn't ever really think she'd have found him. There was always that doubt at the back of her mind, that this island was too big for people to ever really stumble upon each other apart from the more notable buildings and the main paths and they'd probably always be separate. But he'd found her once before and left with death at his heels. Now it was her turn to do the same, to break that grip he'd held over her in spirit for days and finally put an end to all of this. The thought of not having him to chase after was something oddly distressing though. To have no purpose in this island was probably just going to lead you to oblivion at best. At worse, the cycle would continue. Maybe she'd tell herself to go after Salem, maybe she'd get into a scuffle with someone else and kill them.

The thought of becoming a person who killed without thinking, like so many other people on this island, filled her with a sense of dread. But here she was now, so close to the man who'd killed Cassie. This wasn't killing without thinking, this was killing with thinking.

She'd never thought about killing before he showed up.

The tip of the blade scratched against the back of Joshua's neck.

"Move funny and I will fucking skewer you." Madeleine hissed, so tempted to just ram the fucking thing through his throat. But now she was here, that voice in the back of her head that wanted to make him suffer and die alone in the snow was a lot louder, a lot more inviting. Thanks to Josh, to how he just gunned down Cassie, she'd barely done anything other than chase after him. In a way, she'd lost control of herself. Maybe now she could get it back and let him feel what it's like to have someone dictating your every move and action. There was a now much quieter voice, asking 'is this what Cassie would want?' 'you made the choice to go after him, didn't you?' 'did you ever lose control?'

She ignored them, ripped them out of her neurons and slotted the desire for suffering in their place.

Much better.

[Ruggahissy]

So deep in thought was he and focusing on his long-awaited outpouring of emotion that he didn't notice the girl until her weapon and words were at his throat.

He glanced sidelong, moving his eyes as far as he could without moving his head too much, and saw the glossy obsidian points against his neck above the collar. The sharp tip of one pierced him just slightly, causing a slow welling of blood.

Josh looked at her passively and with quiet interest.

"You're her friend. You're Madeleine."

He noticed the long trail in the snow that led to the spot she stood in now. She must have been pursuing him. He could only imagine for how long. All that planning, all that care, all that for him.

When they had last met she had a naivety about her, cowering in uncertainty and fear as she emerged from the back and saw him looming over Cassie. She looked different now. It was obviously the same person, but the eyes looked fiercer, the jaw set more rigidly, the stance hardened. She had changed because of his influence and become consumed by violent revenge. He had corrupted someone once innocent.

"You were looking for me. No one's ever looked for me before."

Josh smiled shyly up at her.

"How do you feel now that you've found me?"

[Applesintime]

He was on the verge of death. Madeleine could impale his throat like a corndog on a stick and leave him to bleed to death in a manner of seconds. But still, he smiled up at her, spoke calmly, like he hadn't quite realised that this was it for him. Like this was all just a game to him, something he could just get up and walk away from. His tears glistened, no longer falling from those soulless eyes, and Madeleine couldn't help but despise him more. He was supposed to be scared. Frightened. Anything but... but this!

"Take your coat off," Madeleine slowly spat, "and toss your fucking gun away." No, he didn't deserve something quick. Cassie had died slowly, painfully and in fright. Josh deserved the exact same, if not worse. How many of the people he'd murdered had died alone, the last thing they saw being this facade of a human looming over them like the Reaper?

She'd hurt him. Not enough to kill him instantly, but enough that he'd get to lie there and watch as the snow turned crimson and feel his organs shut down one by one. It was petty, it was a little vindictive but what did she have right now apart from Josh in front of her and a sword? Madeleine didn't know what came for her after this, but she knew about the cycle. If she didn't take action to prevent that, maybe she'd fall into the trap and she'd be the new Josh.

The thought made her shiver, but maybe it was the cold instead.

[Ruggahissy]

"Fair enough," he said with a smooth, low, enigmatic tone of voice. Perhaps he was being playful, perhaps disdainful.

Josh dutifully picked up the gun and tossed it a few feet in front of him. It was close, but not close enough for him to grab it immediately. He would have to lunge, throw his entire body forward into a prone position to reach it.

His fingers were much slower to reach for the top button of his coat. Josh’s index finger rubbed against his thumb and his fingers curled towards his palm. He breathed heavily. He didn’t want to do it and so he delayed, but he knew that he would have to. However, there was a part of him that did want to do as Madeleine ordered. There was a slight thrill in it.

After a moment, he crossed the speed bump of his emotions and began. His fingers slid over the buttons, pushing them through the holes. The top button was a bit tough at first, but as he pushed his thumb over it, it slid into the opening until it was fully inside with his thumb pressed against the slit.

It felt better the further down he went. The cut she dug against his neck with the sharp obsidian points of the unusual weapon also felt… strangely nice. The flash of pain distracted him from his emotional agony. It was more striking and an infinitely preferable kind of pain, like when he had dug his nails into his palm to keep his feelings from spilling over in front of everyone from Shu’s rejection. It was so nice to replace the chatter of isolation, rejection, withdrawal, and uncertainty with the philosophy of a blade.

Josh sighed deeply and blushed as he undid the buttons.

“Did you love her?” he murmured with gentle concern. “Do you hate me?”

[Applesintime]

Slowly but surely Josh took his coat off. Madeleine knew she should walk forwards a little, pick up that rifle, but she didn't want to. It was the same thing that'd killed Cassie, tainted itself with her blood. And that was a stupid thing to think, she knew that, but the idea of taking a gun that her friend had been killed with and using it on Josh, or someone else, just felt wrong. Maybe after this she'd bury it. Throw it into the sea. Walk up the mountain and toss it into the valley below. With the way her mind was starting to go, what to do when this was all done, she doubted she would need it.

"...As a friend, yeah. Not that you should care, you're the one who fucking killed her! Of course I fucking hate you. Most normal people on this island should hate you, the kind of guy who has a gun and thinks that means he's got alllllll the fucking power!" His tone was concerned, like a parent kindly poking their head into their room to ask you why you're still up at 3 AM, not someone who's about to die discussing one of the people he killed. And the faint blush that she could just barely see on his cheeks from the angle she was at.

Was he... getting off on this? What a sick bastard he was. What was it, talking about the woman he murdered? Or was he the kind of sicko that got off on the idea of dying?

The only thing stopping Madeleine, at that very moment, from ramming the sword through his neck and killing him was that she could leave him to die slowly and in pain, alone in the frozen forest. And that's why she wanted the coat off, because it kinda felt like those chunks of stone would snag pretty easily.

[Ruggahissy]

His fingers worked over the buttons, and he stared at her over his shoulder.

"You hate me," he repeated back as if touched. It would be nice to be loved by someone, but being hated was a different but still important category. To be hated by someone meant you weren’t like all other people to the one that hated you, you were special. To have someone specifically single you out, to feel anger or disgust or dread when you cross their mind or see an immediate physical reaction to the sight or even thought of you was something special too.

'Oh no, not that person. They hate me.'

The phrase was evocative, would beg questions. What’s your relationship? Why do they have such a strong feeling for you?

"It does mean that. Here the person with the gun has the power," he said neutrally as if she’d asked the time. "When you have power, you can do whatever you want. Here that means weapons and it means strength. But there’s other ways that people have power back home. And they use it to do what they want. And they won’t ever stop."

He paused.

Josh wanted to give Madeleine something, and he knew she wanted remorse. When someone does something wrong, the audience wants the wrongdoer to have learned something and show they learned through remorse because it provides hope and satisfaction.

"I’m sorry about Cassie. Out all the people I killed, she was the one I regret."

Zora had forced his hand and Mariya was already attacking. Przemyslaw was as good as dead anyway. And he thought that if he met Julia first and if she had stayed with him or if he’d encountered Amy again and she would stay with him, Josh wouldn’t have killed Cassie. And in his heart of hearts though he did feel some regret, he also still felt justified. She attacked him and she had been rude, so he felt that they were both to blame. But he lied as a benefit to this girl who made him feel special and who was so clearly in pain.

He lied as a kindness. Josh was so kind.

[Applesintime]

You know, maybe he was getting off on this with the way he repeated 'you hate me'. It was the same tone that Madeleine imagined someone would say 'I love you' back to their partner in, and then they'd kiss and cuddle or something equally warm and fluffy. But here, Josh was using it for probably one of the most negative ways you can feel towards someone. She'd been wondering for days, what made someone like him kill. Really, what made the people here kill? She'd never been able to think of a satisfactory answer, but... maybe some people here were just fucked up. Couldn't see their fellow classmates as anything but obstacles on the way to victory, or even see them as anything but toys to manipulate and then throw away when they got bored. Maybe that was Josh, or maybe this was like trying to understand why the Universe existed.

There was some bullshit next, about how Josh... wasn't the person she portrayed him as? The man with the gun who used it to wield power over people who didn't have one? Maybe she didn't get it, or maybe it was his diseased mind trying to justify shit before he passed away.

Maybe if Madeleine had been calmer, had been anything less than utterly hateful when it came to Josh, she'd have conceeded that point to him. Because, yeah, bad people with power did bad stuff with it to people who didn't deserve it. It was basically the whole reason she was here now, on an island about to kill someone instead of wherever she'd have ended up if her parents didn't get a green card. Because bad people with power did bad stuff — when it came to the Balkans that was an understatement — to people who didn't deserve it. But it was Josh, so Madeleine wasn't going to give him anything except death.

His 'apology' did get a reaction, though.

"Bullshit! If you were sorry, you wouldn't have killed her in the first fucking place!" Madeleine shouted, her fist clenching, trembling around the sword. It was like how a little kid might lie to their parents that they're sorry with fingers crossed behind their back. It was just... meaningless. Pointless. Like apologising for smashing a vase or something. That wouldn't fix the vase. That wouldn't bring back Cassie.

This wouldn't bring back Cassie either. But it felt good to have some semblance of control over her life again. Cut Josh out, literally.

[Ruggahissy]

Josh unbuttoned the last button of his coat and gazed at her over his shoulder as he slid it off. The fabric fell from around his shoulders, and he placed it neatly on the log next to him. It felt wrong to wear a scarf with no coat, so he pulled Amy's scarf over his head and laid it on top of the coat. His fingers were trembling a little and he noticed hers were the same. The strange weapon shook in her grasp. Madeleine was overwhelmed by emotion, steeling herself to do this thing that she would never have done before. He could see it was straining her when he contrasted the girl in front of him now to the one from their first brief meeting. All those times he had offered Shu and Julia the chance to kill him and they declined. All those came with a simple request -- to make him feel valued.

"Shhh," he soothed and rested his cheek on the broad surface of the macuahuitl. The position dug the blades a little deeper into his neck and he winced and let out a slight shuddering breath but looked up at her with big affectionate eyes.

"It’s your first time. I’m kind of honored. I didn’t plan to end here, but I think its for the best, and if I could choose anyone, I'd choose you. I was never going to leave this island and never thought I would. But I won’t bore you with my thoughts. I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll be whatever you want me to be, whatever you need me to be if it will help. I’ll yell if you want; I’ll be quiet if you want. I can be scared or calm. I’ll do whatever you want as long as you do something for me. As long as you stay with me until I leave."

He blinked slowly up at her.

[Applesintime]

This was getting to Madeleine, and not even in the way that she was thinking about how she was going to take a human life, it was... Josh. He was just so... unnervingly calm about all of this. Staring up at her with big puppydog eyes, driving the little chunks of obsidian deeper into his neck. Trying to shush and soothe her, talking about how he'd choose her to kill him if he could and how it was her first time, like this wasn't murder, it was... something else. Talking quietly about how he'd be whatever she wanted him to be if it made it easier for her to take his life. It was just fucking... fucked up. Like, in a way, he actually was enjoying this. Trying to exert more control over her, even in the last few moments of his life.

This all had a price, though. Staying with her until he died.

Madeleine had stayed with Cassie until she died. She would not give that same mercy to her killer. He would die alone and afraid, but that last part didn't seem so sure anymore.

"Fffuck YOU!" Screaming at the top of her lungs, a sudden new burst of rage coursing through her veins like how she'd felt after Cassie had died in her arms, Madeleine ripped the sword away from his neck and slammed it into his side. She wasn't great with human biology, but she knew the liver or the pancreas was pressed up against one side of the body and if you hit that you'd bleed pretty bad. Letting the sword go once it was in Josh, she made for his gun. Not like he could do anything with it anymore, but she had to get rid of it.

[Ruggahissy]

Madeleine screamed at him, said no to his offer, pulled the weapon away from his face and slammed it into his side. The razor-sharp blades went through his shirt, pierced his skin, and dug into his flesh.

Josh only made a small noise of shock. He couldn’t breathe from the surprise wash of pain in his side. But then he was distracted from the searing wave of pain when he watched her round the log to reach the gun in front of him.

She intended for him to bleed so that he could suffer in exactly the way he didn’t want -- alone. Maybe she would run and take the gun and keep running. If he let her go, he might be able to stay where he was with the weapon in his side, apply pressure to the wound, and maybe Julia could use her medical knowledge to repair him. Even if Julia didn’t return as he feared, he might be able patch himself if he was careful. If he stayed still, there was a chance yet he could live.

But Josh could not allow Madeleine’s dismissal.

The bitterness welled up in his stomach, trailed up, and grabbed his heart in a vice grip. It was the least she could have done and she said no. She told him no. He would never let her say that again. Didn’t he deserve the bare minimum? After he had tried to be nice, much nicer than anyone else would be here on this island in the same situation. Like he didn’t deserve the bare minimum, like he was nothing, like she could say "no" without consequence. Like this was still school. Desire triumphed over reason and would not accept half measures. The churning greedy monster within hugged him and told him that she belonged to him. They all did.

Josh leapt up and lunged forward for the gun. As he did, he felt the sword dig, tear deeper, dislodge, and his wounds expand and flow forth with blood. He rolled onto his back and yanked the trigger back, spraying bullets haphazardly. The recoil made him cry out in pain as it wracked his torn body.

He lay back, choking on blood, sprawled out in the snow after the noise stopped.

"It wouldn’t have killed you… to be nice. But that’s okay. It’s okay."

He noticed her trying to move, trying still to leave him.

A maniacal smile was affixed to his face. He grabbed her arm and with deranged strength, he pulled her close.

[Applesintime]

Josh got to the gun before Madeleine could. It was so stupid. She should have grabbed it sooner, maybe shot him with it or at least made sure he couldn't use it on her. But she was too blind. Too angry. And that realisation hit her about the same time as his bullets did.

Now she was sprawled out on the snow, her entire body alight with a flaming pain. She didn't know how many had hit her. Two? Three? Everything hurt. Madeleine took in a desperate, shallow breath, and even that wasn't enough to sate her. It felt like she was suffocating, Letting out a quiet wail, Madeleine's legs pushed, trying to get her away from Josh. She wanted to get to Cassie, no matter how improbable it was or how far she was. Just anywhere from Josh. She didn't want to die next to him.

Unfortunately, he had other ideas. A clammy hand wrapped around her arm and pulled Madeleine close with a shriek of pain on her end. Her mouth opened to say something, to protest or shriek again, but all that came out of it was a cough and a clot of blood.

Everything hurt.

Was this what Cassie felt?

[Ruggahissy]

"Oh you stubborn and reckless hero. Your commitment to friendship is touching," he panted as she tried to crawl away. "But your manners need work."

Josh dragged her over, yanking her until he could wrap his arms around her and hold her head against his shoulder.

"Life isn’t fair, is it? We all want the same things don’t we?" he murmured, eyes closed with satisfaction as his skin grew paler.

His shallow breathing pushed against her. As he lost blood and lay in the snow, he became numb and his head felt hazy, but all of his strength was concentrated in his boa constrictor grip on Madeleine. Josh pushed his forehead against her hair and ran his hands up and down her body as if to confirm his possession. He would eat her alive.

"Shh, lay still. Relax. Don’t cry. You see my wounds? I’ll die here as a result of your power. So there’s no reason to be sad. You did it. You killed the monster. You avenged Cassie. And now she’ll be happy wherever she is. You likely would have died soon anyway, and it would have been random and without purpose. But because of me you're a big hero."

What started as a gentle and sincere reassurance spiraled until his voice was bathed in cruelty that dripped from the syllables.

"And now, nothing bad will ever happen to any of the girls ever again. You did it, forever and ever and ever and ever."

[Applesintime]

She couldn't struggle, couldn't resist Josh's grip on her. All her energy was focused on just trying not to pass out from the pain of him dragging her towards him right there and then, Josh's angry murmurings maybe softening it just a little. He was pissed, in the same kinda way that someone who thought they had all the power threw a tantrum when their power was ripped from them. Trying to desperately regain some control in his last moments before he had to face the same oblivion that Cassie had faced. That Zora had faced. That Mariya had faced. As much as she focused on Cassie, this was all three of them getting revenge. Maybe they wouldn't have traded her life, made it so she was either bleeding to death or suffocating in the arms of a psychopath.

But that was the trade she was willing to make. Her life to make sure Josh died there and then, to make sure that nobody else had to suffer, that nobody else had to die because of him. She'd have preferred to walk out of this meeting alive, but... even still, she couldn't see this as a bad trade. After this was just a series of question marks, asking her what she would be without Cassie to protect and Josh to hunt. At least now, that was... settled, she guessed. Only thing to do now was make sure that she'd take Josh down with her, because she'd feel pretty fucking stupid if she was in the afterlife looking down at how Josh was still alive and she'd died for nothing. But there wasn't much she could do now. That cycle she'd been thinking about came to mind, sucking in a barely sufficient breath.

Josh had killed Cassie, and in turn Madeleine had killed him. Maybe if she didn't die here, the cycle would continue. Someone would fall to Madeleine again, deserving or not, and eventually someone would find her and take revenge for their dead friend. But the cycle did not continue. Despite the aggression and hate she'd felt towards Josh, Madeleine died here as someone innocent, peaceful, right, compared to the beast that was dying here, a wolf in bloodied sheep's clothing that was nothing but violent and wrong. Maybe he'd think he won, ensuring that he brought another girl down with her, but that was nothing but delusion from a man - no, a boy with a gun who had lost all his power. That's all Josh was. A little fucking boy. And oh, he was throwing the best tantrum that a boy dying could.

Cassie had died a lot quicker. Every last twitch of her body, every breath, the way Josh pressed him into her brought her nothing but pain. As he all but groped her, Madeleine used the hate she felt towards the man to stay alive, wanting to outlast him. Soon, though, she wouldn't be feeling any pain or hate, not unless her parents were right and there was a god out there. It wasn't exactly something she could cherish, agony, but it was a sweeter agony knowing someone who truly deserved it was suffering in tandem with her. Knowing that despite how sweet his words were intended to be, nothing but bitterness and hate lied behind them fueled by fear. It was enough to coax a small smile onto her face.

With the last of her energy, taking in one last gasp of air, Madeleine mixed the blood in her mouth with saliva, leant her head up and spat it back out from blue-tinged lips right into Josh's face.

One final fuck you to him, before she got to see if one of the religions was actually right.

Hopefully wherever she went, Cassie was there too. She had so much she wanted to say.

S056: MADELEINE MOLLIQAJ - DECEASED

[Ruggahissy]

Madeleine had been transformed into someone consumed by revenge and she lived to kill him. To Josh, that was a kind of devotion was something he never expected to find.

His grin spread wide and sharp as he held her against him, devouring. They were both dying, but his fear of the unknown and hesitance about the possibility becoming nothing were drowned out by relishing having gotten his way. The power he held in his rapidly leaking strength made him feel light and blissful.

He had complete control of her, which she despised, and he loved that she despised him. That was control, to know he would die with her in his poisoned embrace despite her desperate efforts. He became a wolf fully as the red bouquet of gore bloomed around them in the snow.

"You’re so pretty, I want to rip you to shreds," he whispered. "I want us to hurt each other over and over again."

She took one last breath and used it to spit in his face. She spent her last act on Earth trying to defy him. Josh smirked and didn’t bother to wipe his face. He slid a hand around the back of her head and kissed her cold lips hungrily, though there was no one within the shell anymore. Even death could not break his ownership.

Perhaps he had misbehaved in the last week of his life. But he had behaved all of his time up until that point and he had nothing to show for it. He got to experience so much, feel so many things, and got to know so many people in ways he never had after years of school, so he couldn’t be mad about how it had ended. Josh had been happier here than he had ever been. He regretted nothing of what he had done as he lay in the snow, cuddling and stroking Madeleine.

Minus the murder, if he had done many of the same things spread across a lifetime, it’s not like he would have been condemned. He knew because he’d seen people turn a blind eye.

It was too messy to try and reprimand bad actors. Sometimes they were popular or friendly, so why would people help some girl they didn’t know or like at the cost of a friend? It was passed off as jokes, flatteries, insistence that there was a mistake, because that’s the way of the world. More often than not, people that acted like he had came out the winners. Sometimes -- often -- the house wins. He got what he wanted in the end, finally –- someone to hold his hand and remember his name.

Josh.

In his view, he had won.


Joshua James - DECEASED