We would like to announce the roll out of a new paradigm-shift for V9. In the past, profile critique has taken up a lot of time and effort from the staff and can sometimes result in long wait times for writers who want to get started with writing and planning. We have decided to innovate our workflow regarding profiles starting with the V9 pregame and will be automating the process using a Profile Critique AI Robot. Below are some examples using old profiles that have been BotCritiqued!
- [+] Amaranta Montalvo
- Name: Amaranta “Mara” Montalvo
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Competing in pageants, debate club, student council, school newspaper, fire performance arts, shopping
Appearance: The section header ‘Appearance:’ is unnecessary as the description of Amaranta’s appearance follows immediately after. Removing it will streamline the text and make it more concise. Amaranta is the picture of polished perfection and exotic beauty. The phrase ‘polished perfection and exotic beauty’ is subjective and could be considered overly exaggerated. Instead, provide specific details about her physical appearance to paint a clearer picture for the reader. Consider replacing with “Amaranta has a striking appearance with dark, reddish-brown skin, almond-shaped eyes, and glossy, jet-black hair.” She stands at 5’5’’ and weighs a slim 120 pounds, maintained by obsessive dieting. She has dark, reddish brown skin and almond shaped eyes punctuated by dark irises that are such dark brown they appear to be black. She has glossy, jet black hair that falls to her shoulders and, though she works to be thin, she still has a natural curvaceous build with rounded hips The term ‘rounded hips’ is vague and can be misleading. Consider providing more specific details or omitting this description for clarity. Her nose is small and the only part of her appearance that irks her is that her lips are thinner than she’d like. She’s quite skilled with make up and applies it with a light enough hand most days that it isn’t noticeable on first glance, though she hates lipsticks because it draws attention to her lips.
In dress Amaranta is fashionable and her style is expensive clothes with close-to-the-body tailoring and favors monochromatic outfits, only occasionally pulling out bright colors. The description of Amaranta’s style is lengthy and could be condensed for better readability. Focus on key elements of her fashion sense to convey the same message more efficiently. On the day of abduction she was wearing an H&M black button down shirt with accentuated puffs on the shoulders, a straight mini skirt with black and white horizontal stripes, black mary jane shoes with a silver buckle, and white frilled ankle socks. The detailed description of Amaranta’s outfit on the day of abduction is excessive. Consider summarizing the key components of her attire for brevity.
Biography: Amaranta was born to Anthony and Lidia in Seattle, Washington. She has one sister, Rebeca, who is one year her junior. Her father is CEO of a large pharmaceutical company and though her mother has a degree in art history, she married Anthony straight out of college and has never had a real career of her own. Her father is of Mexican and Spanish decent which gives the sisters their dark complexions. The girls grew up exceedingly wealthy and have lived all their lives in Madison Park. Remove this sentence. This detail does not add significant value to the character description or storyline.
Amaranta and Rebeca were not particularly close growing up. The sentence can be rephrased for clarity and conciseness. Amaranta was outgoing, stubborn and outspoken while Rebeca was quieter and deeply interested in art, hoping one day to become a fashion designer. Remove this sentence. This detail is not directly relevant to the character’s development or the narrative. Their mother always favored Amaranta while their father favored the shyer, artistic Rebeca. Clarify the sentence structure for smoother reading and understanding. This has always been a point of annoyance for Amaranta, who valued her father’s opinion more than her mothers because in her eyes, he is the more powerful role model who earns the money and has the more important role in society.
It became very important to her to win his approval. Remove this sentence. This statement is implied and redundant in the context of the paragraph. She entered into pageants at a age 6, helped by her mother, who had been in pageants as a young woman. Correct the preposition and article usage for accuracy. Amaranta is very successful with her exotic looks and her strange talent. Amaranta can’t much act or sing, so at age twelve she started in fire performing arts. She became fascinated with the idea after watching the movie Miss Congeniality and her parents obliged, enrolling her in a fire poi class at a gym that specialized in circus arts. For the first two years of her classes she was only taught the routines and once she was deemed skilled enough, fire was introduced at age 14. Mara Amaranta is skilled in her routines, but never deviates from her tried and true practiced sets. She does not improvise or create routines on her own and practices three days a week She pulls out acts such as spinning flaming batons, hula hooping with fire hula hoops, fire twirling and other fire acts earning her the nickname “Spitfire,” not just for the fire talents but for her very short temper. Outside of her fire dancing and related activities, she hates exercise. Amaranta doesn’t like running, finding it distasteful to break a sweat and isn’t very strong. Combine related ideas for better flow and coherence in the sentence. The dancing is a good match for her as she likes that it is flashy and elegant with more of an emphasis on repetition and skill than anything like strength or stamina. Simplify the sentence structure for improved readability and clarity.
Pageants take up a good amount of her time but she can’t help but love getting attention for her looks. This sentence introduces the topic of pageants in the profile. Consider providing more context or background information about the protagonist’s involvement in pageants to enhance the reader’s understanding. She loves winning over opponents and typically donates her winnings to the runner-up because she does not need the prize money and she receives even more attention for her generosity. The phrase ‘she loves winning over opponents’ can be rephrased for clarity and emphasis. Consider a more precise and impactful expression to convey the protagonist’s competitive nature. The job she gets from receiving a trophy that official states her to be the best is enough.
She works hard in school, earning good grades in all of her subjects and maintaining a 3.7 GPA. Replace with "Diligently excelling in her studies, she consistently earns high grades across all subjects, upholding an impressive 3.7 GPA." She hates math and is more inclined towards English class. The expression ‘more inclined towards’ can be strengthened for better clarity and emphasis. Consider a more direct phrase to highlight the protagonist’s preference for English over math. For all of her achievements and her aggressive competitiveness in all aspects of her life, which her father encourages, he still dotes more on Rebeca and this angers Amaranta. She makes fun of Rebeca whenever she can and plays cruel little pranks on her younger sister.
While her father pushes her and pushes her to be best without ever really returning the praise she wants for the things she achieves, her mother dotes on her constantly, telling her how special she is. Consider rephrasing to improve the contrast between the father’s actions and the mother’s behavior towards the protagonist. This combination has made Amaranta very narcissistic. The term ‘narcissistic’ can be replaced with a more descriptive phrase to provide a clearer picture of the protagonist’s personality. She honestly thinks that she is better than her peers most of the time and doesn’t bother with people unless she feels they are on her level.
Recently at the start of her junior year of high school the family found out that Anthony had cheated on Lidia. Remove this sentence. This sentence introduces information about Anthony’s infidelity that does not directly contribute to the protagonist’s story or character development. This affected the girls in different ways. Rebeca withdrew more, their mother became depressed and Amaranta was left to try and deal with the aftermath. It is of supreme importance to Amaranta that others think that her life and family are the best of the best so she took it upon herself to keep the house running by making sure errands were done, organizing the house staff, taking care to make sure Rebeca always looked presentable, and comforting her to keep up appearances. She does not honestly care about the emotional wellbeing of her sister and becomes even more resentful that she has to help her. Replace with “She shows little regard for her sister’s emotional welfare and harbors increasing resentment towards having to assist her.”
Her push to gain her father’s love and approval through accomplishments became even more manic starting senior year. This sentence highlights the protagonist’s desire for her father’s love and approval. Consider providing specific examples or instances of her actions to illustrate this further and enhance the reader’s understanding. She competes frequently in pageants, ran for student council, joined the debate team and works on the school newspaper. She chose activities that she felt would be seen as impressive by her father and others because of their positions of leadership or influence among students. In student council she is outspoken and sees the duty as almost something that she has to be a part of because she has the best ideas and will get things done for the student population. Increasingly, she hates her position at the newspaper, not liking that she has to ask people to talk to her or do work that she feels is beneath her to inform a student population she feels doesn’t care. Originally she joined the newspaper because it was the closest activity she felt she could excel at that was also somewhat artistic, trying in vain to replicate the attention Rebeca gets from their father for her artistic endeavors, with little success. She keeps the activity on because she likes to see her work widely read and because she’s too proud to quit. Out of all her activities, the one she truly enjoys the most is debate club. Mara likes to present positions and use clever turn of phrases to win out over opponents and if the topic is of interest, she doesn’t really mind the research involved. She slogs through her other responsibility without much enthusiasm. Her love of debate has inspired her to look towards becoming a lawyer and she has been accepted to UCLA come next fall.
Despite all the numerous activities she takes part in, deep down, she’s afraid that he’ll stray again and this next time will leave the three girls for good. The sentence can be revised to emphasize the protagonist’s underlying fear and vulnerability. Consider restructuring for better clarity and emotional impact. Her trying to be the best is her own way of trying to make sure that her father stays near and is an attempt on her part to control something that she, as a young girl, really has no control over.
When Amaranta feels overwhelmed or particularly stressed, which is often, she finds it relaxing to go the mall and shop. She loves to dress up and buy outfits, justifying occasions for her to wear said outfits, even if they are very specific. Remove. This sentence is redundant and does not add significant value to the description of Amaranta’s shopping habits. Her one love is truly shoes. Replace with “Her primary passion lies in shoes.” She has a closet full of more shoes than she would ever realistically wear. Replace with “Her closet overflows with shoes she may never wear.” She loves how expressive a pair of shoes can be and she finds buying them to be soothing.
Amaranta is friends with only the most popular and wealthy students at Aurora. She believes that this is the proper crowd for her and does not even consider ever hanging out with others. Her humor is mean spirited and part of making herself feel better about her situation is to make the occasional mean comment to a classmate. This sentence could be revised for better coherence and clarity in expressing Amaranta’s behavior towards others. She is very vain as unfortunately, she finds her pageantry and the comments she gets about her beauty to build a lot of her self worth. To improve the flow and precision of the sentence, consider restructuring it for better clarity. She’s a smart girl, but her looks are what she thinks are her best attribute. If anyone should suggest that another girl, especially her sister Rebeca, is prettier, Amaranta will fly into a rage. To enhance the impact of this sentence, consider refining it for stronger emphasis on Amaranta’s reaction to comparisons of beauty. She often tests her friends by asking them which sister they think is prettier and there is hell to pay should they answer incorrectly. Replace with “Frequently, she challenges her friends by inquiring about the comparative beauty of her and her sister, imposing severe consequences for any incorrect responses.” She has had a few relationships, but it is difficult for her to trust boys after what has happened with her father. She also only pays any mind to only the most popular and wealthy boys, looking for flashy husband material. To improve clarity and conciseness, consider revising this sentence to avoid repetition and enhance the description of Amaranta’s preferences in boys.
Advantages: Amaranta is smart, determined, beautiful, aggressive and selfish. She knows how to take charge and perform in a leadership position.
Disadvantages: She hasn’t been the nicest girl in the world to people outside of the popular crowd and may have gained enemies. She truly thinks she’s better than others and as a result, she underestimates people constantly which could throw her off. She hates physical activity and isn’t very strong or fast. She has an explosive and very short temper. The past year has been a time of great stress to her and she may hit a breaking point with the addition of even more stress.
- [+] Paul Smith
- Name: Paul Smith
Gender: Male
Age: 19 The age of the character is mentioned elsewhere in the text, so this redundant mention can be removed to improve clarity and conciseness.
Grade: Although for all intents and purposes he is a senior, it is of note that Paul is and has always been considered class of 2006 (and currently the senior class is class of 2007) This parenthetical statement disrupts the flow of the sentence and adds unnecessary information. Removing it will streamline the description of the character. and thus has this self mocking notion to noting this whenever a teacher asks him (“What grade am I in? Well Miss it’s quite obvious I’m class of ‘06”). So, he’s in twelfth/thirteenth grade.
School: Southridge To enhance clarity and consistency, it is recommended to capitalize the school name for correctness.
Hobbies and Interests: While it is to note that he is into music (it’d be a bit funny to be a lead singer in a heavy metal band when you where not into music) and his eventual goal is to go to Berkley and major in Music Theory. He also (and this is purely speculation on his part) have a large case of pyromania (his most precious possession is his Zippo lighter and he is known for pulling it out and lighting it at random moments, it’s gotten to the point where teachers don’t even chastise him for it anymore), so he has a vast collection of fireworks and an even larger collection of 300+ Zippo lighters.
Appearance: The first reaction to Paul’s appearance is, “What a goddamn freak.”, but truly this is no surprise, with waist length blonde hair, layer upon layer of military garb, and an eye patch it is quite obvious that Paul does not fit into normal society and honestly he is quite content with it that way.
Having yet to cut his hair in the past nineteen years, Paul’s extraneously long ponytail is certainly a sight to behold. It has gotten so long that he rarely unfurls it from its massive quantity of wrappings – over, under, over, under, over, under, ad infitum. He sleeps with a ponytail, washes with a ponytail, and lives with a ponytail. Rather than have it extend to below, down to his waist, as it would normally rest, Paul instead throws it over his right shoulder. This not only gives him an air of unique style, it also increases his shock factor, albeit only slightly. He has, however, started letting it fall, as it is scratchy and distracting when it lays across his neck. Unlike his ponytail, Paul sports rather thin wisps of blonde locks that tumble down over his forehead and ears in every which way. His hair is a very distinct color, almost unnatural in its unique physiology. The phrase ‘unique physiology’ is not commonly used in describing hair color. It can be replaced with a more appropriate description to improve clarity. It is a dark blonde with a touch of orange, creating an shade much like that of the poppy found in the dark damp caves of Wales rather than in South California.
As can be expected by someone involved in a constant barrage of hardcore metal pits, Paul’s physique is very toned, but this is merely a by product of the rather insane work out schedule he has to prepare for these pits (because as he put it, “How can I expect these people to do pits if I suck at them?”) his daily exercise routine consists of 50 roundhouse kicks, performing windmills until his shoulders give out, and at least 10 minutes of mock stage dives into other peoples pools.
His clothing is just as weird as he is and consists of a heavy flak jacket of a dark green color and equally bland pants (all army issued), layer after layer of these and all leather, as you can no doubt guess this look is extremely uncomfortable, but it helps give him a unique look (and that’s one of his big fears that he’ll lose his individuality and thus he goes to great lengths to protect it) and he has gotten used to the discomfort The description of the character’s clothing is convoluted and repetitive. Simplifying and restructuring this sentence will make it more coherent and engaging for the reader. Instead of sneakers he wears a pair of big combat boots. Replace with “He opts for big combat boots over sneakers.” The most weird part of his clothing is the leather eye patch with three holes in it and you can just see a white patch underneath them, this is due to a horrific fire when he was a child and he has an adamant refusal to get a glass eye. The term ‘weird’ can be replaced with a more descriptive word to convey the uniqueness of the eye patch. Additionally, restructuring the sentence can enhance the impact of this detail in the character’s backstory.
Biography: Paul Smith, Biography of a Rock God
Lila Macintosh, age sixteen and sophomore editor for the Patriot’s Gazette at Southridge High, today we’re going to explore the story of one of Southridges most colorful student, we’ve all spoken to him at least once and we’ve all gotten wind of his very…odd eccentric tendencies, but today I’m going to get in depth in the mind of the singer of the great metal band known to us as “Beneath the Hands of War”.
Like every good story I decided to start with the beginning and that beginning and the beginning and in order to get a grasp on Paul’s early years, the only effective person to go to would be his father, Kevin Smith is the thirty eight year old head of the burn ward at the local hospital and is almost a parallel image of Paul (with the exception of Paul’s amber eyes of course), however the older man has a large receding hair line and his ponytail is not nearly as in your face as Paul’s is. Replace with “To understand Paul’s early years, it is essential to start with his father, Kevin Smith, the thirty-eight-year-old head of the burn ward at the local hospital. While Kevin shares many traits with Paul, such as his amber eyes, he differs in appearance with a noticeable receding hairline and a less flamboyant ponytail.”
“Well, I met Paul’s mother when I was fourteen years old and we got married right outtalk high school, I got a full scholarship to UCLA where I majored in medicine, Paul’s mother was a very pretty woman, had red hair and perfect amber eyes, she is a lot like Paul in a lotto ways, always striving to be different, y’know? Well we lived a normal life, Jean my wife was working at a local book store and I was working in construction to pay to support my family and of course Paul himself, Paul was always a smart boy, though in oddly different ways. This passage contains multiple punctuation and grammatical errors, making it difficult to read smoothly. It needs to be revised for clarity and coherence. He knew how to read before he knew how to speak and he was always readin’ always being smart, y’know?
Well, our life was normal till that day in about ‘92, Paul was ‘bout four years old and was staying home with Jean, when apparently our oven was on the fritz, the oven refused to turn on and because it was one of those good ol’ Gas ovens she just put in a barbeque lighter and tried to light it…unfortunately well it just ‘sploded all over her, Jean was burnt to a crisp and Paul would’ve been to if he hadn’t been fooling around trying on a leather jacket of mine (he’s been obsessive with every piece of clothing he owns being leather from that point onward), a piece of debree got into his left eye and the doctors told me that if it had gone just 1/360th of an inch to the right Paul’s brain would’ve been gone, it was a day of conflict because on the downside I lost my wife, but on the bright side my son survived, y’know?”
Losing his mother at such a young age should no doubt by traumatizing for Paul, but those of you who hang out with him know he is incredibly open, I mean honestly there is nothing that you can say about Paul that hasn’t already been said by Paul. This sentence is overly wordy and can be simplified for better clarity and impact. His high school career of course is way better known. His Freshman year he started off not by getting an F in every one of his classes (that honor would be reserved for Sophomore year), but by infamously setting his pants on fire while confidently in a broom closet with the topless valedictorian of that graduating year…it was scandalous, it was embarrassing, and it was something that Paul Smith loved. The description is unrealistic and inappropriate. It should be revised to be more appropriate and believable. During his Freshman year he was discovered by the music program at our school and despite his ineptitude to play instruments he has composed every piece our school band has preformed for the last five years, it was probably this skill in composing that made him a key member in the local scene in a metal band known as Beneath the Hands of War which is known for it’s slightly operatic vocal solos and it’s general melodic sound in contrast to most metal bands. The description lacks credibility and coherence. It needs to be revised for better realism and clarity.
Sophomore year more panic ensued at Southridge and I’m sure all of the graduating seniors will remember the day Paul Smith came running down the football field piss ass drunk and also bares naked screaming that the class of ‘06 ruled and then he proceeded to rip drunkenly grope the homecoming queens breasts and eventually in a rather climatic chase evade police capture for fifteen minutes. The events described are unrealistic and inappropriate. They should be revised to be more suitable and believable. Of course he then gained fame for burning his report card in the middle of his first period class and strangely enough (despite his rather eccentric tendencies) he found himself spending most of his time hanging out in the girls locker-room (he still does this to the day and most of the girls have gotten rather indifferent towards Paul’s nearly constant presence, although he does relish every time a Freshman girl comes to him and asks him to leave, “Yeah, well I’ll leave when I see something I haven’t before…or I’ll stay and watch, it’s an impasse you gotta be willing to deal with”. The behavior described is inappropriate and unrealistic. It should be rewritten to be more appropriate and believable.
Junior year is a year of shame in regards to us Paul Smith fans as he started going out with the most bitchy head cheerleader this side of bitchington, a girl named Melanie Suarez. This sentence contains inappropriate language and derogatory terms that are not suitable for a professional or formal profile. Remove it. Melanie was abusive and out of place every where Paul went, while she got straight A’s, Paul was getting no grades, but somehow someway she sparked a rather large change in Paul and caused him to start working hard in school, Paul was still crazy, but remarkably a lot tamer and he would keep this attitude up through his senior year. The description of Melanie as abusive and out of place may not be appropriate. Suggest rephrasing to maintain a different tone and focus on Paul’s development instead. The darkest day for the Paul Smith fans was last year at the graduation ceremony where he was almost unanimously denied a diploma due to his 1.9 GPA, instead of going to a community college to raise his grades, Paul stayed back a year and has yet to give us anymore Smith brand craziness…but we can hope to see it again, we can hope. The term ‘Smith brand craziness’ is vague and does not provide clear information. Suggest clarifying Paul’s actions and achievements in a more professional manner.
Lila Macintosh, out. This phrase at the end does not provide any meaningful conclusion or closure to the profile. It is abrupt and does not add value to the overall content.
‘07 SCHOOL YEAR UPDATE
As rumors flew around the school about Paul Smith romancing head cheerleader Serenity Halos, Paul Smith chose to prove himself in a much more interesting way. Joining the tournament Paul breezed through his first two matches and eventually came to fight Darnell Butler, in a match contested by few (due to Darnell’s long hospilitazation) Paul came out the loser, but also came out the bouncer at the local ‘club’ Shooters. The description of the tournament and Paul’s participation lacks clarity and detail. People wishing to challenge Paul, found themselves being subjected to a large amount of Grecco-Roman wrestling moves and broken noses…all stuff he’s picked up from Darnell. The description of Paul’s actions in response to challenges may come across as aggressive and inappropriate. Suggest rephrasing to convey his skills and abilities in a more professional manner. Currently Paul has been accepted into HBU with a GPA of 2.3 and he’s been given a full ride partly due to Shooters and Montezzo. The mention of Paul’s acceptance into HBU lacks context and detail.
It seems the Smith brand craziness is coming to an end. The term ‘Smith brand craziness’ is vague and does not clearly convey the intended message. Suggest rephrasing to provide a more precise and professional conclusion to the profile.
Advantages: Paul’s popularity almost triples that of everyone else in the school, he is known by people outside of school, he is known by people who saw the school once and he is known by people who accidentally came across the word school in the dictionary. He has a rather large tolerance for pain (due to his pit practicing and the actual pit itself) and strangely enough for someone usually surrounded by blaring amps, excellent ears. Paul has also proven to be an excellent fighter and some say he currently has achieved a varied fighting level that he could beat Darnell Butler. The exaggerated and unrealistic descriptions of Paul’s popularity and abilities detract from the credibility of the profile. Suggest removing these claims to maintain a more realistic portrayal of his character.
Disadvantages: Paul is completely self centered, completely intent on building upon the Paul Smith legend that has surrounded itself his past five years of school. He also though is far to altruistic for his own good and the thought of hurting someone unable to protect themselves is in all honesty, sickening to him. Paul’s left arm is a bit weak and he also has no skill in fire arms and while he’s adapted to his eye, he does have a slightly reduced field of vision.
- [+] Greg Craig
- Name: Greg Craig
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: John Endecott Memorial Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Indie music, gelato, molecular gastronomy, volunteering at the local humane society
Appearance: Greg is 6’0” and weighs 160 lbs, giving him an average, if not slightly skinny build with fairly broad shoulders. The description of Greg’s build is unclear and contradictory. It is not realistic to have an average build and be slightly skinny at the same time. He is Caucasian, and has relatively pale skin that is prone to sunburn when left unprotected. The description of Greg’s skin tone can be more detailed and realistic. Adding more specifics will enhance the character description. Change to “He is Caucasian, with pale skin that easily sunburns when left unprotected.” His hair is auburn, and usually left in a short, unstyled undercut. Adding more details about Greg’s hair style and color can make the description more vivid and realistic. The current description is quite basic. He has a normal-shaped nose, a regular-sized mouth, nondescript brown eyes, eyebrows of average thickness, and ears that stick out but not that much. The description of Greg’s facial features is too generic. Providing more specific details can create a more distinct image of the character. He shaves daily, though is open to possibly growing a beard in the future. He has a low, easygoing voice, devoid of any regional accent. He wears a pair of square-rimmed prescription glasses. Including more details about Greg’s glasses can enhance the visual image of the character. Describing the style or color of the glasses would add depth to the description.
Greg can typically be seen wearing flannel shirts and other vaguely rustic attire. The description of Greg’s usual attire can be more specific and detailed. Providing examples of specific clothing items would paint a clearer picture of his style. Replace with “Greg can typically be seen wearing red and black plaid flannel shirts and other rustic-inspired clothing.” On the day of the abduction, he was wearing two red and black plaid button-up flannel shirts over one-another (for warmth), a dark gray long-sleeved camping shirt, a pair of blue jeans, a pair of gloves, thick wool socks knitted for him by his grandmother, and a pair of hiking boots. The detailed description of Greg’s clothing on the day of the abduction is excessive and unrealistic. Simplifying and focusing on key items would make the description more effective.
Biography: The heading “Biography:” is unnecessary as the content already clearly presents a biography. Greg was born in Salem, Massachusetts on August 29th, 2003, to Daryl and Ingrid Craig, the owners and operators of a thriving local artisanal gelato restaurant called “La Gelateria”. Daryl and Ingrid met a few years before Greg’s birth, while backpacking through Europe during their gap years. Clarifying the timeline by specifying the number of years would make the information more precise. Replace with “Daryl and Ingrid met five years before Greg’s birth, while backpacking through Europe during their gap years.” They bonded over their shared love of genuine Italian gelato, and then decided to spend the rest of their lives together, opening a gelato restaurant upon returning to America. Greg is an only child.
Greg’s early years passed by relatively unremarkably. He hit all the regular milestones on time. Until Greg was old enough to start preschool, Ingrid acted as a stay-at-home mom, hiring extra employees to cover her duties at the gelato restaurant. Providing a reason for Ingrid’s actions adds depth to the narrative and explains her role more clearly. Replace with “Until Greg was old enough to start preschool, Ingrid acted as a stay-at-home mom, hiring extra employees to cover her duties at the gelato restaurant, ensuring a smooth transition for the business.” Greg was a fairly low-maintenance child, though Ingrid sometimes found herself challenged by his gregarious, somewhat contrarian personality at that age, which itself tempered out over time. Replacing ‘gregarious’ and ‘contrarian’ with simpler terms improves readability and clarity for the reader.
Greg’s elementary school years also went by unremarkably. Though at first he was teased by some of his fellow students for his unwieldy combination of first and last name, this soon stopped after one of them visited La Gelateria after school and discovered Greg there helping his parents with child-appropriate work tasks. After that, everyone was nice to Greg because his parents sold ice cream. This is unrealistic and should be removed. Throughout elementary school, Greg found himself content with having no particularly close friends, preferring a quieter, somewhat more sedentary lifestyle than most of his peers. Adding more context about Greg’s social interactions in elementary school would provide a clearer picture of his character. Replace with “Throughout elementary school, Greg found himself content with having no particularly close friends initially, preferring a quieter, somewhat more sedentary lifestyle than most of his peers, but he always participated in group activities during recess.”
Early on in high school, Greg began feeling somewhat lonely, realizing that it would be nice to have friends. Greg soon noticed that some of his peers were regulars at La Gelateria, and that one group in particular, consisting of three self-described “goths” named Heidi, Gerard, and Sadie, visited nearly every day. One day, as they were eating their gelato, Greg approached them. They soon became fast friends with Greg, due to Greg’s calm, laid-back demeanor, and his offer of a gelato discount. He hangs out with them every day after school at the restaurant. Due to them, Greg sometimes jokingly refers to his own fashion style as “flannel goth”. Providing a brief explanation of the ‘flannel goth’ term enhances the reader’s understanding of Greg’s humor. Replace with “Due to them, Greg sometimes jokingly refers to his own fashion style as “flannel goth,” a blend of his casual attire with a hint of gothic influence.”
Academically, Greg is an average student, excelling in the humanities and chemistry, but suffering in math, PE, and the non-chemistry sciences. While he doesn’t particularly care about academic achievement, he feels obligated to at least try his best in class, even in subjects he doesn’t enjoy. He doesn’t gravitate to any one social clique in particular, and tends to blend into the background socially. He is usually out of the loop on most pop culture references due to his somewhat sheltered life, and finds himself not really paying attention to any gossip or drama going on between his peers. Adding a reason for Greg’s lack of interest in pop culture and drama provides insight into his character and background. He is single, and finds the possibility of being in any romantic relationship at any point in the future to be intimidating. Elaborating on Greg’s feelings towards relationships adds depth to his character and motivations. Replace with “He is single, and finds the possibility of being in any romantic relationship at any point in the future to be intimidating, as he prioritizes his family and career at La Gelateria.” Once he graduates, he plans on working at La Gelateria full-time, continuing to help his parents with the business. Including Greg’s future plans after graduation gives a sense of direction and purpose to his story. Replace with “Once he graduates, he plans on working at La Gelateria full-time, continuing to help his parents with the business, with aspirations to introduce new gelato flavors inspired by his travels.”
Due to his many years spent listening to the music his parents put on in the background at La Gelateria, Greg has developed an ear for rustic, easily accessible mainstream indie folk music. This sentence sets the tone for Greg’s music preferences and background. Consider expanding on how his exposure to this music has influenced his taste and interests further. His favorite musical artists include The Lumineers, Vance Joy, and Bon Iver. To provide more depth and variety to Greg’s music taste, suggest adding more diverse artists to his favorites list. Replace with “His favorite musical artists include The Lumineers, Vance Joy, Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, and Iron & Wine.” He keeps a collection of his most-listened to songs on his computer, burned from CDs he checked out from the local library. He hasn’t branched out yet to any other kinds of music, preferring to stay firmly in his comfort zone. To show potential for growth and exploration, recommend adjusting this statement to reflect a willingness to explore new music genres.
At the midpoint of freshman year, Greg, having never had his own cell phone, asked his parents if he could have one, so that he could communicate with his friends outside of school/store hours. To provide more context and realism, suggest elaborating on Greg’s reasons for wanting a cell phone and how this request fits into his life. Reluctantly, Daryl handed down to him one of his own prized Nokia flip phones (which Daryl was an avid collector of), as he and Ingrid had recently seen a documentary on coltan mining, and did not want to financially support what they found to be an unethical industry by purchasing a new phone. Over time, Greg has become known by his peers for his old-fashioned phone, and is willing to show it to them and even let them make phone calls with it when they ask. This sentence highlights Greg’s unique phone choice. Consider adding details on how this aspect shapes his interactions with peers and contributes to his character.
In Sophomore year, while watching cat videos on Youtube, Greg accidentally stumbled upon a video about molecular gastronomy. This event introduces Greg’s interest in molecular gastronomy. To enhance the narrative, consider expanding on how this discovery impacted his life and future pursuits. Immediately, he found himself entranced by the strange, otherworldy visual aesthetics of each dish, his attention being particularly grabbed by an ice dome encasing a mixture of small balls of freezedried vanilla gelato and gelatinous pearls of spherified strawberry puree. Wanting to make his own avant-garde cuisine, he ordered a molecular gastronomy kit off Amazon. To add detail and realism to Greg’s culinary journey, suggest specifying the type of cuisine he attempted and the challenges he faced. Replace with “Inspired to create avant-garde dishes, he purchased a molecular gastronomy kit to experiment with dishes like thermo-gelled hot gelato and deconstructed strawberries.” At first, his experiments had limited success, but through practice and the support of his parents, he has developed into a moderately skilled amateur molecular gastronomer. His favorite dishes to make include thermo-gelled hot gelato, and deconstructed strawberries made with powdered gelato.
Greg spends most of his afterschool hours at La Gelateria, either hanging out with his goth friends or providing his parents with free behind-the-scenes labor, a role he has filled since a young age. His parents believe that he has a prodigious palette for gelato, and let him do molecular gastronomy experiments during store hours, seeing molecular gastronomy as a possible way to further elevate the gelato-eating experience. Recently, they have tried adding some of his experimental recipes and flavors to La Gelateria’s menu to varying levels of success. After closing time, he and his parents carpool home, after which he does any homework he needs to do, and then immediately goes to bed. To give a clearer picture of Greg’s daily routine, recommend expanding on his activities after work and how they shape his character.
Greg has a soft spot for animals, finding himself drawn to helping them due to what he finds to be their simple, silly demeanors. The phrase ‘simple, silly demeanors’ may come across as demeaning or belittling towards animals. It’s better to use a more respectful and positive description of animals. Replace with “Greg has a soft spot for animals, finding himself drawn to helping them due to what he finds to be their endearing qualities.” Though he has no pets of his own, he volunteers at the local humane society on weekends, usually either playing with and helping to socialize kittens, or taking dogs for walks. Consider providing more details or examples of how Greg helps at the humane society to make his actions more vivid and engaging for the reader. Animals tend to be very calm around him, finding his quiet, nurturing manner much less scary than that of typical, loud, handsy, and demanding members of the public. They also like him because he feeds them a lot of animal treats. Using the phrase ‘a lot of animal treats’ may give the impression of overfeeding or improper care. It’s better to use a more balanced and responsible description. Replace with “They also appreciate him for giving them occasional treats.”
Greg is on good terms with his family, and is on good terms with his parents, having had no real meaningful conflicts with them at all in recent memory. In terms of his extended family, he is especially close with his grandmother on his mom’s side, and receives knitted pairs of socks and mittens from her every Christmas. To enhance the emotional connection, consider adding a specific detail about the significance of the socks and mittens to Greg.
Greg has a very laid-back personality, generally lacking in any grand ambitions and preferring to roll with the punches. At times, this can lead to him being treated like a bit of a doormat due to his willingness to shrug off any personal slights. The term ‘doormat’ can be seen as derogatory. Consider a more neutral description to convey the same idea. Some of his peers find his general aura unsettling due to his social aloofness and tendency to be kind to people unconditionally. Expand on how Greg’s behavior affects his relationships with peers to provide a clearer understanding of his social dynamics. From an early age, his parents actively instilled in him a sense of conscientiousness similar to theirs, and so he tries to treat all his peers with respect at minimum. He always gives change to homeless people when they ask for it, because he feels bad for them. Using ‘feels bad for them’ may oversimplify his empathy towards homeless individuals. Consider a more empathetic and nuanced expression.
Advantages: Greg is unlikely to make many enemies on the island, due to his good-natured spirit. Consider providing examples or scenarios to illustrate how Greg’s good-natured spirit influences his interactions with others on the island. His willingness to help others may help him make allies in times of need, or at least convince others that he is more use to them alive than dead.
Disadvantages: Greg’s willingness to put others before himself means that he may potentially be taken advantage of by bad actors during dangerous situations. It also means he is unlikely take opportunities to further his own survival if doing so comes at an immediate cost to others. Additionally, due to all of Greg’s goth friends having stayed home from the skiing trip, he has no close relationships with anybody on the island, and other people may end up prioritizing the lives of classmates they care more about instead of him in immediate life-or-death scenarios. Finally, his fondness for animals may cause trouble for him if he runs out of rations and must hunt wild game for food. Expand on how Greg’s fondness for animals could impact his survival strategies or decisions in challenging situations to add depth to his character.
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