Pill Time

[Rootbeerpants]

BEEP BEEP

…

BEEP BEEP

…

BEEP BE-

Helena grabs her phone that was sitting on her bed, sliding the alarm off. Pill time. Again. How long has she been taking these now? A year? Two years? Doesn’t feel like it. Not right now anyway. With what currently feels like a great effort Helena drags herself out of her chair, stumbling downstairs to get a glass of water before stumbling back upstairs. It’s kinda funny how much energy this thing drains you of. This weight sitting on her shoulders. A monster clawing into her and whispering things into her ear. The bad thoughts. The ones these pills are supposed to stop.

Do they even do that?

Helena placed her glass of water down on her nightstand, reaching into the draw underneath which she’d left open to grab her medication. Fluoxetine. Happy pills. With a sigh Helena flopped down onto her bed, barely even feeling the soft blanket underneath her. Instead her brain was filled with gunk. A miasma of toxic waste that poisoned her mind, filling it with thoughts she didn’t want. Thoughts that just…just won’t stop. Why does this keep happening? It’s been so long. Why can’t she just be normal? Sure Helena’s therapist said this was normal but fuck it doesn’t feel normal. She doesn’t feel normal.

The packet crinkles in Helena’s hand as she looks at the half empty foil topped container. Why does she even bother with this? What will taking this pill do? It’s not like she’ll magically be happy. Even so long after starting them she’s not happy. How could she be? Helena’s just laying here alone. No friends. No loved ones. The only person left is her dad and he’s not even here. Would he even notice if she stopped taking them? It’s not like he checks her nightstand. Heck maybe she could just take all of them now and get it over with.

Would that kill her? Probably. Might hurt though. Stuff like that’s painful right? Maybe she could find a tall building instead. Dad won’t be back for a while. Wouldn’t be too hard to find a tall building around here. Getting to the top of one might be hard but only gotta do it once right? That would hurt but only for a moment. Nice view too.

No no stop don’t think like that

Get to see mom again…

I said stop! Get out of my head!

No one would really care that much…

I don’t want to think about this. Please please I don’t want to think about this.

It would be so easy…

I said-

“Stop!” Helena screamed out loud, trying to overpower her thoughts. Like an instinctive defense mechanism her body curled up into a ball, Helena hogging against her knees while trying to blink tears away before they could burst through. Under her breath she just kept muttering “Stop stop stop…”

A few minutes later Helena let out a shaky breath, sitting up again and wiping the tears that got through with her arm. Her eyes darted down to the packet still in her hand, staring at it for a few seconds before popping a pill out and washing it down with her water. Maybe it doesn’t stop the bad thoughts but…what would they be like without it.

With another sigh Helena picks herself up from her bed, grabbing the glass of water and putting it down on her desk next to three other half empty glasses. She then picks up a PS4 controller sitting just a few inches away on the desk and turns her tv on. No more thoughts tonight. They’ll only hurt her again.